Malady
by Ziggy Pasta
Summary: As tragedy plagues a young Cloud, he turns to Zack for a source of comfort and strength. As their relationship turns intimate, Cloud slowly develops a strange illness that may leave him broken and amnesic to the life he once shared with Zack. ZackXCloud
1. Chapter One: Enigma

Malady

By: Ziggy Pasta

* * *

Author's Note: Hello! Thank you for taking an interest in this story! This is my first Clack fic, AND my first yaoi fic that contains lemons! I will warn you of several things before you read, just to clarify this story beforehand. For one, it contains male on male sex, so if you don't like it, run away. Second, I'm going to be taking you on a roller coaster of fluff and angst, so if you like total complete 100% fluff I don't suggest reading this. It will be depressing, tragic, frustrating and angsty, but will have plenty of romantic fluff mixed in as well. Overall, there will be sex. Isn't that the important part? Also, this contains several OC characters that will play a large role in the plot movement of the story (plot devices). If you are wary of original characters, I assure you that the ones in this story are likeable (if not lovable) and relatable, and are in no way Mary Sues/Gary Stus. Also, chapters five through nineteen have been beta'd by Nekotsuki, but the rest is all me thereafter. The first ten chapters or so may read a bit rough around the edges, but my writing gets smoother and better as the chapters go on. I will be going over each chapter and rewriting some things soon.

There are rape themes, suicide themes, death themes, violence, forced prescription drug abuse, foul language, and mental health/psychological themes.

So yeah, I warned ya. Enjoy!

* * *

Chapter One: Enigma

* * *

An unbelievable sensation.

He was sweating; his chest was heaving. He threw his head back, letting out a loud groan. "Y-yeah!" His eyes squeezed shut, and the muscles in his body were taut. "R-right there."

The young blond looked up with apprehension, his face moistened with what the man could only have guessed was a flushed sense of nervousness. "L-like this, Zack?" His voice came out meek, barely there.

"No, you're holdin' it wrong." Zack reached down with shaking arms and corrected the blond's hands, readjusting them to ease up on the pressure he emitted unintentionally. "There. That's a good angle. Keep going, Cloud."

Cloud obeyed silently, glancing up to the man every now and then to study the reaction on Zack's face and to read into the expressions he made as his hands worked on him diligently.

"Good kid," Zack said and let a relaxed sigh escape his lungs as he closed his eyes, the feeling of Cloud's warm body between his thighs soothing.

Cloud stopped after a few moments, his voice coming out in a slight panic. "There's … a lot of it!"

Zack let out a lucid laugh, the sweat that was trickling down his face causing him to shiver. The air around them was thick and hot – it was almost unbearable. "Well, that's what happens when you're too rough."

"I-I'm sorry, Zack! I can't do this anymore!" Cloud began to pull back, his eyes wide with panic and disgust.

But he was stopped by Zack's hand grasping onto his arm firmly. Zack spoke low, almost a whisper. "You're all I have, Cloud."

Cloud swallowed hard, staring at the man with a face that was frightened, a face that wanted to run from fear. "B-but … I don't know what I'm doing."

Zack then spoke in a reassuring tone, trying his hardest not to come off sounding desperate; he didn't want to scare the boy away. "You're doing great. It'll come naturally to you."

"O-okay," Cloud said and reluctantly slid back down onto his knees between Zack's legs and continued to wrap his bleeding thigh in a bandage.

"You look so pale, is this your first time seeing this much blood?" Zack's voice rolled out of his throat, followed by an amused laugh as Cloud nodded his head silently, a grimace on his white face. "I'm sorry to put you through this, Cloud. But there's no one else to help right now."

Cloud continued to nod numbly, his hands shaking at the sight of the deep wound in the SOLDIER's thigh. He said nothing.

Zack continued to reassure Cloud through gritted teeth, the pain coursing up his torso from his thigh in an annoying throb. It felt much like a migraine, but in his leg.

_ A 'thighgraine'?_ Zack mused to himself, trying to focus on something asinine in his mind to distract him from the pain. But he failed at this, and the pain relentlessly persisted.

Cloud suddenly leaned forward, his head going down to Zack's crotch area, his mouth grazing up against his bare thigh as he took the bandage between his teeth and ripped off the remainder of the roll, finally finishing dressing the wound.

Zack flinched involuntarily. The feeling of Cloud's warm breath against his skin and the feeling of his soft hair brushing up against him made it hard not to grasp Cloud's head and hold it there between his legs. But Zack, once again, didn't want to scare the boy away. He forced probing thoughts down into his mind and managed a weak smile as Cloud pulled back. "See? That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Cloud slipped back onto his bottom, his eyebrows arching in a rather pitiful look. He looked down to Zack's blood on his own hands as his shoulders wilted with distress. "I … I'm sorry," he murmured. "This happened because of me."

Zack let a small groan escape from him as he bucked his hips, tugging his uniform trousers back up to his waist. He lowered himself slowly, buttoning the top with care. "C'mon now, Cloud. Don't beat yourself up over it. This is nothing that a SOLDIER 1st Class can't handle."

This seemed to have upset him more. "_I_ should have been able to handle it!"

Frowning, Zack leaned forward, placing a gloved hand on Cloud's shoulder reassuringly. "Hey, how were you supposed to know that the monster knew how to cast Blizzaga? That's a high level spell, even for some SOLDIER." He playfully punched Cloud in the chin when this did nothing to assure him. He tried to get him to snap out of the impending self-loathing he always seemed to hurl himself into whenever something went wrong.

Cloud's mind seemed to shut down at any given time, whittling what little confidence he actually had for himself down to practically nothing. How this pained Zack, and longed to grab the boy by his shoulders and shake him violently whenever he said something negative about himself, but that wouldn't have done much to remedy Cloud's self doubts. And at first it was a bit of a hindrance to Zack, as much as he now hated to admit, but as time went by and as Zack began to nurture the boy, taking him under his wing as an unofficial mentor, he soon found that this little quirk of Cloud's to be rather endearing. It was what defined Cloud.

And what defined Cloud, also defined Zack. Never one to turn his back on a friend or loved one, that certain quality in the SOLDIER made it next to impossible not to feel for Cloud, and he soon took it upon himself to make sure that this boy was taken care of. There was something so intoxicating about him that Zack could never quite figure out what it was. So it started out as a simple request from the SOLDIER to Cloud's fellow infantry unit to watch over him during missions. But after Cloud had returned injured from a mission to the Materia Cave on the Western continent, that request from Zack soon turned into a personal mission he gave to himself to decipher the intriguing enigma that was Cloud.

And Zack found this enigma to be staring back at him with soft eyes and a concerned look. He hadn't realized that he fell silent for several excruciating moments, much to Cloud's dismay.

"Zack?" His voice came out young and gentle.

"Wanna help me up, buddy?"

Cloud nodded vigorously, jumping to his feet faster than Zack had ever seen him move. He must have thought that he had to do something useful, since he obviously felt guilty over Zack's injury.

Cloud reached down and grasped Zack's forearms and helped hoist the injured man up onto his feet.

And then Zack had to be the one to help Cloud back onto his feet as he suddenly fell forward, his eyes fluttering closed.

"W-whoa!" Zack caught Cloud as he fell against his chest, wincing as Cloud's knee nudged his injured leg. "H-hey!"

Cloud murmured something incoherently, his face utterly pale.

"It was just a little bit of blood, Cloud! C'mon now." Zack watched as Cloud's hand slowly slid up his chest, gripping onto the brown leather strap beneath his armored shoulder to keep himself up. Zack reached down and tapped his cheek lightly, trying to rouse him from the brink of unconsciousness. "Get a grip, buddy!"

"I-I'm … sorry." After a moment, Cloud finally opened his eyes, but he didn't look up at Zack. He seemed embarrassed over his weakness and the position they stood in. "I … don't like blood."

Zack laughed as he continued to hold onto him until he could feel Cloud straighten out his legs and stand with his own weight. "No one likes blood, Cloud! No one but vampires and phlebotomists."

"Y-yeah …" Cloud lowered his hands from Zack's chest, his head cast down in the most sheepish expression Zack had ever seen him use to date.

"Can you walk?" Zack asked him, glancing around at their surroundings, which now flooded back into his senses. The pain had numbed out everything around him until that moment.

Cloud frowned heavily. "That's not something _you_ should be asking _me_."

Zack noticed that Cloud was staring at his leg. His blood was soaking through the layers of bandages and spreading slowly across the fabric. "What, this? I told you – it's nothing I can't handle. Let's get back to Midgar though, before they send a search party out for us." He reached up and slapped Cloud on his shoulder.

Cloud began to teeter on his feet and Zack retracted his hand quickly, his eyes wide in fear that he may have caused him to lose his balance in his woozy state. But Cloud corrected his wobbling and shook his head, trying to rattle his senses into working again. "I-I'm sorry Zack."

"Stop apologizing for something you shouldn't be apologizing for. I remember the first time I saw a lot of blood."

"Really?" Cloud looked up at him, his face softening from its dejected appearance. "Did you faint?"

Zack's heart sank as the boy looked hopeful, like he was going to be able to connect with Zack on that level, as though Zack had a story similar to this one that would make him feel a little bit better about himself. But, unfortunately for Cloud this was not one of those stories. All it was was a simple "No." Zack frowned as Cloud's eyes fluttered to the ground, ashamed. "But, I did throw up afterwards."

Cloud laughed quietly, the color finally returning to his whitened skin.

"And you, my friend, have kept your lunch in your belly so I suppose you're a little bit better off than I was."

Maybe it really was one of those stories, after all.

"Y-yeah."

"Well, Cloud, let's get outta here. I'm officially all out of potions, and the monsters will be lurking around again. I don't feel like dying up here on this cliff anytime soon, do you?"

"No. Definitely not," Cloud said, smiling faintly and swung his assault rifle up onto his shoulder.

Zack gave Cloud one last pat on the shoulder before the two glanced over to the city of Midgar, which stood proudly before them on the close horizon.

* * *

Cold, dark eyes surrounded by the sterile white of the infirmary tried to dig into the SOLDIER's mind, attacking his nerves without uttering a single word. Arms were folded across a rigid chest, and a foot tapped impatiently against more sterile white.

"How could you let yourself get injured so easily?" said a firm, yet calm voice.

And a defensive, irritated response, "I just slipped up, okay?"

"It was a simple training mission," said the calm voice.

"Yeah well sometimes even SOLDIER makes mistakes," responded the defensive voice.

"Is Strife a hindrance to you?"

"Stop squirming, I can't heal you properly Mr. Fair," said a new voice, and caused the two men to jump slightly. A nurse was kneeling down by Zack's left thigh, her hands glowing with the hues of Curaga. "And this would be a lot easier for me if you were to lie down, Mr. Fair."

The two men ignored her.

"Tseng, we had a deal. You get Cloud assigned to me, and I stop acting so reckless on missions." Zack flinched as the nurse bumped his thigh with her small hands, and she blurted out a frightened apology.

Tseng shook his head, scoffing. His eyes glanced down to the healing wound on the SOLDIER's leg, nary a flicker of sympathy or understanding in his face. "Looks to me like you're not holding up your end of the bargain."

"Well it's not like I did it on purpose." Zack winced and withdrew his leg, looking down at the nurse with disdain. "Is this your first time? 'Cuz you're really awkward."

She blushed a terrible shade of shame and stammered several words that weren't necessarily in a language that any human spoke. With now shaking hands, she resumed her magic.

"If he can't improve even under direct training from a SOLDIER 1st Class, then I will personally see to it that he is shipped out for guard duty on the outskirts of the Northern Cave."

Tseng was such a hard person to read, and Zack couldn't tell if this was an empty threat or not. But a threat was a threat, and Zack didn't appreciate such blatant arrogance and complete disregard for what he was spouting off. Guard duty at the Northern Cave – bitter cold, merciless environment – was rumored to be the place where Shin-Ra sent the lowest of the low or the weakest links within SOLDIER and the army to work, as though a form of punishment. The thought of Cloud going there made slight panic rise in him.

"Look, he's getting better," Zack said, trying to hide any shred of defensiveness in his voice. "He managed to cast Fira without so much as breaking a sweat today! He's the one who killed the monster in the end. It wasn't me."

Tseng lifted an eyebrow over those cold eyes. "Is that right?"

Zack scoffed, throwing his hands up in the air. "Yes! What do you want, a written statement!"

"Actually, yes. I expect a report of the incident on my desk by evening." Tseng turned and walked out of the room right as Zack let out a childish whine.

Tseng walked briskly passed a figure clinging against the wall outside the door of the infirmary room. His eyes briefly met that of Cloud's, and he continued on.

Cloud was giving him a very stiff salute as he passed, having heard the entire conversation, so the least he could do was appear attentive. He could now hear the nurse informing Zack of some precautionary instructions on how to keep his wound clean and what signs to look for in case it began to get infected – all of which Zack was paying absolutely no attention to, Cloud knew.

Tseng exited the infirmary, the glass doors letting out a hiss – a hiss that made Cloud finally relax. How Tseng made him nervous.

But a feeling of excitement entered him at that moment, as now he had some time to spend with Zack before he had to report back into the barracks for the evening. He had questions to grill the man with about SOLDIER – magic, swords, materia, and everything in between. Anything and everything his brain could conjure up for the short time they would have together began to swarm into his head, as his legs involuntarily began to move into the infirmary room.

And soon he found the questions being knocked out of his head as he, rather roughly, walked right into Zack, who was exiting. Cloud let out a small cry of surprise as he began to fall backwards, the balance taken right from him.

Zack moved swiftly, his hands going down and grasping Cloud's outstretched arm before he became parallel with the cold tile. "Whoops!" he said, chuckling and watching the shocked expression that formed across the blond's face as he hoisted him back up onto his feet – all before he even knew what had happened.

Cloud blinked hopelessly, his eyes darting back and forth on Zack's hand which still clung to Cloud's arm firmly, not wanting to let go until he was sure Cloud could stand on his own feet.

"You okay?"

Blood began to tingle behind the skin in Cloud's cheeks, but he willed it away after a quiet, yet embarrassed laugh. "S-sorry," he said.

"There you go, apologizing again for something that you shouldn't be." Zack's hand slowly lowered, watching Cloud's face carefully. "You sure have a bad habit of doing that."

"S-sorry."

Zack dragged a gloved hand down his face. "Dammit, Cloud."

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut, apologizing for apologizing too many times. "Sorry!"

"Just … shut up." Zack laughed and wrapped his arm around his shoulder, pulling him into his side in a brotherly fashion. "Hey! How 'bout some food?"

"But … shouldn't you be resting your leg?" Cloud said, but secretly was hoping for the opposite. He waited on edge for Zack's reply, hoping that he would say that it was nothing, and that he could spend all the time in the world with him.

"Nah, I want food, then dessert, then maybe seconds, and dessert seconds, and then sleep. In that exact order."

"Don't forget your report you need to write."

Zack's face fell flat. "Y-yeah. And the report." He reluctantly added that to the list. They exited the infirmary and began to walk towards the elevator, the sound of their footsteps echoing in the hallway. "Can we maybe slip that in after the seconds?"

"Wait. Between the seconds or the dessert seconds?" Cloud said, sounding confused.

"Um … well … maybe … never."

They both laughed together as the elevator door opened, and in they stepped. The door closed with a ding of the bell.

* * *

The blond stood more than uncomfortably in Zack's tiny living quarters on one of the barrack floors. It was located in its own section that housed the SOLDIER members only. He felt out of place, almost as though he didn't deserve to be on the same floor with so many great SOLDIERS.

Cloud was admittedly a bit jealous that he had to sleep in a large, cold room filled with loudly snoring and crude men in tiny bunk beds, while Zack at least got his own room with a small, but humble living space. But that was a perk that came with the job, Cloud knew. And Zack deserved the tiny one bedroom luxury, despite this jealousy.

He then began to wonder where Sephiroth's room was on the floor, and he grinned shyly to himself. How he would have loved to walk past Sephiroth's space and to pass by him. He would love to catch a glimpse, or perhaps maybe have Zack finally introduce him to his hero. But Cloud was content enough to be brought into Zack's little home, and began to feel giddy as though he were really meeting Sephiroth.

And this began to confuse him.

What started as admiration for the fact that Zack was a 1st Class, soon turned into admiration for Zack himself. He was strong and confident, charming and optimistic. In Cloud's eyes he was nothing short of the perfect SOLDIER; he was everything the young blond envisioned a SOLDIER to be. The sheer embodiment of a hero, like Sephiroth, and Cloud felt blessed to have developed a close friendship with him. Just knowing Zack made Cloud feel as though he himself were important and privileged, and that fact alone kept him motivated to try hard to be like him. Zack gave Cloud the strength and will he desired to feel at least on par with his fellow Shin-Ra infantry, as sometimes he pictured himself to be the busted leg of the unit. And of course, name dropping the fact that he was friends with Zack Fair, SOLDIER 1st Class came with some perks as well.

And Zack Fair, SOLDIER 1st Class had been talking to Cloud for some time now from his bedroom, but Cloud had zoned off.

"Cloud?" Zack poked his head out into his living room where Cloud stood, staring off distantly into the leather couch in front of him. He hadn't moved from where they first entered the apartment. "Cloud!"

Cloud blinked and forced a sheepish smile. "S-sorry."

"I asked if you were hungry."

"Oh … um … a-a little." He was lying. He was _very_ hungry from the training in the outskirts of Midgar all day. Fighting creatures worked up an appetite quickly in him, and he longed for a nice hot meal that would put him in a food coma for several hours.

"Dammit," Zack said, his voice muffled from inside his bedroom.

"What's wrong?"

Zack laughed nervously. "I forgot to do my laundry. I have no clean pants to wear that aren't full of dirt and blood."

Another odd note – Zack was messy.

It was nothing that five minutes of picking up and a garbage bag wouldn't cure, but a mess was a mess, in Cloud's mind. His mother had always taught him to be clean and tidy, and she would scold him if he even so much as left a cup sitting on the table for too long unattended. Even being so far away from his mother, he still had SOLDIER operatives in charge of his barrack screaming in his face if his bed wasn't made properly in the morning.

Zack was apparently the opposite, having empty cups of instant ramen noodles strewn about across the coffee table in the living room, and Cloud wondered if that was all from one sitting, as Zack had a healthy appetite. A few magazines were flipped open on the black leather couch, a layer of dust blanketed the small television, and a few open bottles of water littered the counter top in the connecting kitchen. All were reasons for Cloud to feel that much more uncomfortable. Cloud was a bit mortified as he realized the mess was starting to bother him.

"Hey, make yourself comfortable, this may be a while as I search."

Cloud hesitantly walked over to the couch and sat down stiffly, the sound of the material beneath him squeaking. The cushions felt firm as though they were brand new, and given the amount of dust that covered the television in front of him, Cloud wondered how much time did Zack actually have to spend in his quarters.

Cloud could hear Zack laugh rather loudly, and he turned on the couch to face the doorway to Zack's room.

"How mad do you think Tseng would be if I wore shorts to the chow hall?"

"Very mad," Cloud said with a smirk. "As mad as he will be if you don't give him a report of the training mission today."

Zack grumbled, and his voice became clearer as he stepped out into the living room wearing nothing but his boxer-briefs. "I'm screwed. All my clothes are dirty."

Cloud's eyes briefly fell upon the man's chest, taking a bit longer of a look on his defined abs than he had planned, taking but a moment longer to wander the firm stomach, to wonder how hard Zack had to work to look like that.

He quickly tore his gaze away. Whether his eyes lingered for too long because of jealousy, or something else hidden inside his mind, he wasn't sure. "Just wear dirty clothes then, it's just the chow hall," he finally said.

"Hey! This SOLDIER's gotta look good at all times, pal. You'll understand sooner or later, when you join." He paused for a moment and then darted into the bathroom. "I think I may have something thrown in here." The light was flicked on, and Zack disappeared inside.

Cloud tugged at the knee of his issued Shin-Ra trousers, uncomfortable. He hoped that Zack would clothe himself soon. His eyes went to a magazine next to him to try and take his mind off of, well, Zack.

"Can you hurry? I'm beginning to starve over here," Cloud eventually said with a playful whine. He picked up a magazine about Shin-Ra weaponry, and he immediately threw it back down onto the couch. But it looked out of place, so he picked it back up again and neatly set it down on the coffee table in front of him. But now it looked odd next to several cups of ramen, so he picked those upright.

But now the ramen was a bit funny sitting there, so he picked them up and stood, walking over to the kitchen to find the garbage can. He tossed them out and turned, seeing the half-empty bottles of water. So he dumped those out into the tiny sink and tossed them in with the ramen to keep them company. They seemed happy together in the garbage can, and Cloud was pleased that he could introduce the two together and start a new friendship between ramen noodles and water bottles.

But the sink had some lonely dishes in it, so Cloud picked up the sponge and began to spend some time with them so they didn't seem so alone and dejected. Or at least, this was how Cloud justified it in his head to be cleaning Zack's place.

He was unaware that Zack had heard all of the friendship going on and he stood behind the small bar counter that connected his kitchen with the living room, grinning at the blond who stood oblivious, unaware that he was being watched and laughed at silently.

Zack waited for Cloud to turn the faucet off before he spoke. "Having fun?"

Cloud twirled around, his face pale and his eyes wide. "I-I'm sorry!" He lifted a wet hand to his face and cupped it over his mouth. "I didn't mean to impose."

"It's all right. I know, my place is a mess. I never have time to clean it, really."

"I didn't mean to be rude."

Zack shook his head, chuckling at the bumbling blond. "Don't worry about it. I'm not mad."

It was then that Cloud noticed that Zack had the same amount of clothes on as he did a few moments ago. Cloud looked away.

Zack noticed Cloud's sudden uneasiness and decided that it had nothing to do with the fact that Cloud was caught cleaning up his apartment, red-handed. "What's wrong?"

"N-nothing. I'm just … tired." He lied again.

Zack frowned as he looked over his friend whose attention was at the front door with a look like he wanted to bolt through. Zack realized then that he wasn't wearing much clothing. It hadn't occurred to him, as he was comfortable in his own place and he was used to being around other men in any situation. Having gone through Shin-Ra infantry, and then SOLDIER throughout the years, being around other people with barely any clothes on was hardly a thing to worry about for Zack. He thought that Cloud would have been used to that too, having to share barracks with about thirty other men at a time, and showering with those people as well. Why would Cloud be so bashful all the sudden? He decided to not probe at him and turned to find something to wear.

Cloud relaxed, seeing Zack retreat back to his room through the corner of his eye. He shook his head, a bewildered expression crawling across his face. He just couldn't look at him, and he knew that it showed.

After several moments, the SOLDIER finally emerged wearing the same uniform he had when they had entered the place. The same pair of trousers that had a huge tear in the thigh, surrounded by the same blood stain from his injury, wearing that same bubbly look on his face as the thought of food in his near future crossed his mind.

Cloud looked at Zack and smiled softly, seeing that look he recognized. "Food time?"

"Hell yes. Sorry to keep you waiting, Cloud. I guess this'll do after all." He walked to the front door and Cloud noticed he was walking with a slight limp.

His heart sank. "Are you sure you want to go all the way to the chow hall? I can bring you back something, if you like." Cloud trotted over to him as Zack was bent over, tying his boots with a slight wince. Cloud was hoping that Zack would agree to this, so he could be of some assistance to him.

"Nah, I'm fine. Just a little sore. I'll sleep it off." He threw open the door as Cloud hurriedly began to tie his boots back on.

Zack smiled at him as Cloud fumbled with the tongue of the boot that had seemingly eaten his laces. He waited patiently, but Cloud failed to notice his understanding demeanor and continued with his frantic search for the ends of his laces.

Cloud was so entertaining to watch at times, and his heart swelled when he realized that the boy was so eager to please him. It was rather endearing watching him scramble around, doing everything he could to be of use to him. Zack had to admit, it worried him a bit to know that the boy was so devoted to him, and Zack wished he would do things as enthusiastically for himself from time to time. But Zack was content in knowing that Cloud seemed to enjoy any activity he did with or for him, as long as it meant more time with each other.

"You know, you can slow down."

Cloud looked up at him from his seat on the floor, his knee brought up to his chest as he clumsily tied the laces he was finally able to unearth. "Sorry! I know you're probably in a hurry to get something to eat."

Zack began to laugh, looking down at Cloud who was too busy apologizing to notice he tied his index finger into the knot on his boot.

It took two hard tugs of his hand and a quick glance down to notice this. And then a red blush appeared on his face. A _very _red blush. He hung his head, hoping that his hair would hide the fact that he was utterly embarrassed once more.

But no amount of his wild hair would cover his face enough to hide it, as Zack squatted down, ignoring the burning pain in his leg as he helped Cloud remove his hand like father would do with his child who was learning how to tie their shoe for the first time. "Here."

This embarrassed Cloud even more and he looked away, ashamed of himself.

Zack tied Cloud's boot for him and flashed him a wryly grin, but Cloud didn't catch it as his eyes stayed miles away.

"I could sing you the shoe tying song if you need me to."

Cloud seemed to pout at this, which all the more edged Zack into more teasing.

"Over, under, around the tree …" he began.

"Shut up, you ass," Cloud said while laughing. He playfully shoved Zack's hands away and scrambled to his feet.

Zack let out a raucous laugh as he stood, watching as the blond stormed past him, completely embarrassed. "What would you do without me, buddy?"

Cloud ignored him but was still blushing a terrible shade of red.

* * *

They had not walked twenty feet before Zack was leaning up against the nearest wall and wincing in a sudden onslaught of pain from his wound. He was thankful for the empty hall, save for the worried blond, as he had let out a rather embarrassing yelp once the unwanted and unexpected pain coursed through.

Cloud was immediately at his side, his hands cupping Zack's outstretched arm to help him balance. A few beads of sweat rolled down Zack's temple, his vision seeming to course with the throbbing of the pain.

And another loud yelp as he attempted to take another step.

"Zack! You're not okay, I knew it." Cloud swung Zack's arm over his shoulder, supporting his weight against him as they slowly turned back to his quarters. "There's no way I'm letting you go all the way down to the chow hall. C'mon," he urged him after a moment of rest.

They made it back slowly and Zack flopped down onto his squeaky couch, letting a very long and exasperated sigh escape from between gritted teeth. He watched slightly amused as Cloud dragged the coffee table across the carpet and held out his hand for Zack's leg.

Zack obeyed and Cloud helped ease his leg onto the coffee table to elevate it. It instantly began to feel better. He leaned his head back, closing his eyes at the relief.

"So maybe it was a bad idea." He let out a questionable noise as he felt Cloud beginning to tug at his boot. A warm smile crawled across his face as Cloud removed his boots for him and placed them neatly by the door. "I could've done that, you know," he said in his defense.

"Just like you said you were fine and could make it down to the chow hall?"

Zack chuckled in response.

Cloud walked over to the television and swiped a gloved hand across the screen. He flicked it on and walked back over to Zack, holding out the remote. "Relax for a bit. I'll be right back."

Zack blinked in confusion as he silently took the remote, and before he could question Cloud, he was already leaving his quarters in a blond blur.

He realized at a moment what Cloud was doing, and shouted after him, "Bring back dessert!"

* * *

After much sweet talk from Cloud to the lady behind the mess hall serving food, he managed to escape with more than an arm full of boxed up meals, and of course, desserts. At first she was reluctant to let him leave with what was obvious more than he could possibly stomach, but after he used what little charm he thought he had on her, she eventually gave in. She even packed the meals for him.

Clambering through the halls filled with the rowdy and somewhat inconsiderate Shin-Ra infantry and SOLDIER mix was a feat all its own. But pushing way through this sea of power hungry and cocky men with a tower of foam boxes was even more admirable, as Cloud somehow managed to do it. Meek and polite pleas were first used, careful of who to address and in what tone, but eventually aggravation got the better half of him and he began snapping at people to move out of his damn way.

Finally he reached the 1st Class SOLDIER floor and let a long, heavy sigh as he carefully balanced his way down the empty hall.

Reaching Zack's residence he soon realized to his dismay that opening the door himself was next to impossible, as he found himself staring through a pile of boxes to the closed door in front of him.

"Dammit!" he said, frustrated. Should he knock? Should he get Zack to come help him, even though he was behind the door resting? Cloud shook his head, whimpering softly.

He began to slide one hand out from beneath the boxes, leaning back to allow their weight to be balanced against his chest and face. He let out a small cry as one almost toppled over, but he managed to balance it back in its place. He paused, feeling his heart beat heavy in his chest, thankful that the dessert that Zack so longingly wished for didn't end up as a new form of shoeshine on his issued boots. He was so engross in his balancing act that he was unaware of the footsteps beside him.

"Allow me,'" said a low, male voice.

Cloud could sense a form next to him reaching in front and opening the door for him. He stammered several polite apologies and thank yous to the person who stood besides him. He knew that it had to be some sort of high-ranking SOLDIER, bit as to whom he was unsure.

He slipped inside and heard the person close the door behind him, and through the tower of boxes he could see Zack grinning devilishly at him from the couch. He still had his leg obediently propped up on the coffee table, much to Cloud's surprise.

"What's that look for?" Cloud almost collapsed as he set the mound of boxes down on the table next to Zack's leg.

"How in the world did you manage to haul all those meals here, let alone get Sephiroth himself to open the door for you!"

"S-Sephiroth!" Cloud yelped, nearly choking on the saliva in his throat.

"You must've caught him in a generous mood for him to do that, especially for a 'grunt' like you," Zack said jokingly.

Cloud gave into the urge to collapse, and he so willingly did on the couch next to Zack, who was peering at him suspiciously.

"T-that w-was S-Sephiroth!" His face was drained of its color.

"Yeah, you didn't notice?" Zack said casually as he leaned forward to grab a box from the middle, not even caring what was inside. He opened it like a treasure chest, carefully and considerately taking in the beautiful and hearty sight in front of him – big, fat cheeseburger. He purred with contentment.

Cloud would have been chuckling at the behavior of his friend if he wasn't so occupied reeling beside him.

Zack ignored Cloud and began to passionately eat his burger.

The blond continued to stammer to himself, staring into the television mindlessly, not taking in the sights before him on the screen.

After a few silent moments Zack waved a hand in front of Cloud's face, shrugged when he got no response, then resumed eating.

Eventually hunger got the other better of him, and Cloud reached forward with a now steady hand and grabbed whatever box he first touched and brought it to his lap. His face was still void.

Zack began to laugh at him uncontrollably then. Cloud was blindly fumbling for his utensil with his right hand, completely and utterly unaware that the fork he was searching for was in his left hand already. Blank eyes continued to watch the flashing screen in front of him.

"You're too cute!" Zack cried out, leaning to the side of the couch, racked with laughter.

"What?" Cloud blinked, looking over at Zack, his distant eyes now back to the present, filled with confusion and what almost looked like interest.

"What?" Zack said back through dissipating laughs, but the question was actually aimed at himself. His laughter subsided with several heaves of his shoulders at the realization of what he had just blurted out to Cloud. He slowly sat up, his eyes wanting to look away from Cloud's, but resisted. That would be too suspicious.

"What did you just say?" Cloud peered at him questionably.

"I said 'You're too cool!'" What a terrible, God-awful save.

But it seemed to be enough for the blond as he turned his gaze back to the television in front of him with a quick nod, and began to mindlessly eat his dinner from his lap.

Zack let out a very slow, constricted sigh that was inaudible to the blond beside him, and he was thankful for that. He bit his bottom lip, his eyes staring at the images on the screen, but was not processing them.

A thought occurred to Zack then as a shampoo ad flashed on the screen. "Why are you so shocked that it was Sephiroth?"

Cloud choked on the bite of food in his mouth.

Zack reached over and patted his back instinctively as Cloud took in gulps of restricted air, watching as his hand went up to his chest and pounded several times.

"W-what?" he squeaked out, his eyes wide with a dubious look.

"You got a thing for him or what?" Zack grinned, but then realized what he had said and then waved a hand dismissively in front of his face. "I mean, is he your hero or something?" He forced back an embarrassed flush that threatened to wash over his face. Zack had been hoping that Cloud would answer his original question, in hopes to determine if he was possibly into that sort of thing …

Cloud was the one to turn red out of the two, as his hand lowered from his chest and onto his box of food. He leaned forward and placed it on the coffee table quietly, trying to form his answer in his head.

_Please, please, please, please answer the question._ Zack's mind was a sudden jumbled mess, his heart racing in his chest.

But of course, like a tragedy, Cloud answered as vague as he possibly could, which really was no surprise to Zack at all. He was rather secretive and shy, and would possibly never admit anything of the sort.

"I was just shocked that he would help me out, is all."

Zack's shoulders slumped and he turned his attention back to the television in front of him dejectedly.

"I …" Cloud started, and Zack looked back at him with curious eyes. "I've just always wanted to meet him."

A tender smile broke out on Zack's face. "I could arrange that, you know."

"R-really?" Cloud was suddenly trembling at the thought and Zack could see this excitement in him, like a child who just received a brand new bike on their birthday.

"Let me pull some strings with Tseng, and I'll see if we can go on a mission or something soon, okay?"

Cloud nodded enthusiastically, the largest of the blond spikes on his head bobbing as he did this. His youth really showed at that moment as his light blue eyes sparkled on his face. Zack was wishing he hadn't lied.

_Damn, he really is too cute._

* * *

...To be continued in Chapter Two: Bruised

**Update 06-27-2011: I went over and cleaned up a few things here and there in this chapter. Hope it reads a bit smoother, or rather, more like my current writing. It's matured immensely since I first started this story over two years ago as you'll see as you read on. I'll be attempting to revise a lot of these earlier chapters from here on out, so to my dedicated readers: Don't be surprised if things change slightly! And to my new readers: Hello, thank you for reading, and enjoy!**

**Update 12-09-10**: Malady fan-art! Kishiko-kei on deviantART. com turned the opening scene of this fic into a doujinshi page! It's so hot and smexy! Heehee! Go here to view, enjoy, fave and comment (remove the spaces in the web address!):

h t t p : / / kishiko-kei. deviantart. com/ art/ ZackxCloud-Final-Version-183073081

Thank you so much, Kishiko-kei!

**Update 03-31-10**: Malady fan-art! The wonderful and talented Djali has drawn a scene from this chapter! It's so hot and cute! I love it! Go here to view, enjoy, fave and comment (remove the spaces first in the web address!)!:

h t t p: / / kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Enigma-159034649

Thank you so much, Djali!

I have TONS of fan-art throughout the two years I've been writing this story. Please take note of my author's notes each chapter for fan-art links, or you can always visit my profile for all the links! There's over fifty pieces of art so far, and even two fan videos! Please enjoy them and support all the amazing artists!

And read on …


	2. Chapter Two: Bruised

Chapter Two: Bruised

* * *

The rest of the evening the two sat together on Zack's couch conversing about not much of anything but the silly sitcom in front of them on the television. Zack only laughed at it because Cloud was laughing at it, as it really brought no sense of entertainment to him.

Little did Zack know that Cloud was only laughing at it because Zack was laughing at it.

They had finished their respective meals and even had to store some in Zack's empty refrigerator, as Cloud had been a bit overzealous about the selection he brought back for Zack. He wasn't sure what the SOLDIER would or wouldn't like.

Zack was hardly picky and would eat about anything placed in front of him. Save for maybe especially green vegetables. Those he ate, but with not much pleasure. His parents always taught him to eat everything on his plate and he obeyed. It was much easier for him knowing that he could eat anything, rather than have to worry about not liking something, and fret over it.

Cloud, on the other hand had certain tastes, and those didn't include green things, and sweet things.

So Zack ate his dessert as well.

"I can't believe you don't like cake!" Zack said, teasing Cloud, who was washing a few dishes behind in the kitchen. Zack stretched out like a cat, his muscles trembling as he did so; he felt good, despite the pain in his leg.

"Only sometimes," he said casually, the sound of the dishes clanking as he set them in the dish rack.

"Aren't kids supposed to enjoy those sort of things?" Zack's eyes suddenly felt heavy, and he fought with them to stay open. Slipping into a food-induced coma was one of his favorite pastimes.

A chuckle filled Zack's ears as Cloud came back around to the couch and plopped down. Zack's eyes shot open with a short gasp, but Cloud didn't seem to notice his lethargic friend besides him. "I'm not a kid."

Zack snorted a laugh, too tired to reply with a sarcastic retort as he normally would have in any other situation. Sleep was winning the battle of wits, at the moment.

Cloud finally noticed this and smiled at him softly. He watched as Zack's head slowly lowered, his shoulders sinking down. Cloud had never seen him so vulnerable-looking. He was always so alert, so animate. Even out in the field on missions he was perky and jubilant until the others begged him to go to sleep. He usually pouted for several moments, then just obeyed like a restless puppy and went to sleep in under a minute. Going from bouncing around like a jittery Cactuar to sound asleep always astounded everyone who worked with him.

But now he lay there on his couch, his legs propped up on the coffee table, his arms folded across his chest and his chin was against his neck. He was snoring steadily.

Cloud nodded to himself, deciding now was the best time to check. He walked around to the other side of the couch and kneeled down. He placed a gentle hand on Zack's left thigh, slowly lifting the ripped material in the pants to peer at the wound. He forced himself to stay strong as there was some blood surrounding the fabric and the bandage underneath. He couldn't get a good enough look with that angle as it was centered more towards his inner thigh.

He stood, frowning to himself. He had noticed a soft sheen of sweat on Zack's face and was worried that he may have been running a fever. Infection could spread quick, Cloud knew, as it happened to him once with a simple scrape on his hand.

Within hours of the injury, pain had increased ten fold, and a red blotch appeared around the area on Cloud's hand. It soon tripled in size in under six hours. After blood work, several x-rays and a tetanus shot in the shoulder, he was on antibiotics for two weeks afterward. All from scraping his hand on the safety of his assault rifle, ironically enough. So he was more than cautious when it came to this sort of thing. He had to get a better look, as Zack would probably ignore the injury as if nothing even happened.

Cloud got to his hands and knees and ducked under Zack's legs which were sprawled out on the table. He poked his head up from between his legs, looking around nervously. This was quite awkward, and he only hoped that Zack would stay asleep during his amateur exam.

Shaking hands reached out and lifted the torn fabric again. He leaned in close, his heart thumping in his chest. He raised up from sitting on his heels and got even closer. Tilting his head slightly to the side, he managed to peer in and see normal colored skin surrounding the bandage, so he relaxed a bit.

That was until Zack let out a sleepy laugh, flinching under Cloud's gentle touch.

Cloud soon found a pair of hands running through his hair mindlessly. "Z-Zack...?" He tried to glance up but Zack's hands were gripping the sides of his head firmly as he continued to let out little breathless laughs.

A laugh rumbled deep from his throat. "...That tickles."

Muscles were frozen in the boy's body at the purr that came from the SOLDIER. It made Cloud's heart forget its rhythm, and left Cloud as breathless as Zack was at that moment. He panicked. He hadn't realized prior to this that to see inside the pair of trousers had caused him to become dangerously close to Zack's groin area. He could feel his body heat against his flushed skin.

Moving was impossible under the strength of the SOLDIER, so he just kneeled there, waiting for him to move, or wake up, or something. It was nerve-racking.

Although the blond had to admit that he was sort of enjoying this. Whether or not because it was just a comical situation, or that the idea of how close he was to Zack at that moment, were the possible factors in this enjoyment. Often he would imagine what it would be like to be between Zack's legs, but embarrassment and shame quickly filled his head during those thoughts, and quickly wiped them away.

He realized that Zack's fingers were still intertwined with his hair, and were going nowhere, after several moments of kneeling there confined between strong hands.

His legs were staring to tingle from the strange position. He tried to move, but his head brushed up against Zack's crotch and just made the man tighten his grip to a borderline painfully erotic squeeze through his hair. "Zack...?" He felt bad for trying to wake him, but he needed his head back. "Wake up!"

Zack flinched, his eyes shooting open. He looked down at Cloud in disbelief. Then he looked at his hands on his head in the same light. This was a rather suggestive scene.

"Cloud?" he said, dumbfounded.

"Zack?" he said, dumbfounded, as well.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Um...you have my head in your hands," Cloud mumbled, rather blatantly.

"Why?"

"I...don't know."

And his head was released from the warm hands.

Cloud sat back on his heels, still between Zack's legs. "I-I was just checking...for...infection."

Zack slowly straightened himself up on the couch and lowered his legs from off the table. His eyes darted about in groggy confusion at what he had awoken to. "S-sorry."

"Um...me...too." Cloud stood, not wanting to make eye contact with Zack, and Zack was doing the same. A strange vibe fell onto the both of them, and they stirred in their positions.

"I-I should go. It's...late." He uncomfortably rubbed the back of his neck, worried that this situation may have done something to hinder their friendship. "Uh...I need to report...back to the barracks for lights out soon..." he trailed off as Zack nodded numbly in response.

Cloud turned and walked swiftly to the front door, jamming his feet into his issued boots without bothering to tie them. "I-if you need help with your injury...just call me and I'll sneak out," he mumbled, throwing the door open.

"Y-yeah...see ya Cloud..."

And with that Cloud shut the door behind him, his footsteps fading down the hall.

Zack was hoping that Cloud hadn't noticed the growing arousal between his legs while he was down there.

* * *

Alarm; shouting; gasps; scrambling; more shouting; scurried shuffling; beds being made; uniforms being thrown on; more shouting.

This was Cloud's morning in the barracks.

Except for this morning he was especially and individually being shouted at by a 3rd Class SOLDIER two inches from his face.

"And where the fuck were you last night, Strife!?"

"Sir!" Cloud straightened, his hands sliding to his sides stiffly. His light blue eyes stared through the man in front of him, as he learned that actually looking into their eyes would cause more shouting. It was also easier to detach himself from the situation by looking through them. _Don't look in his eyes, don't look in his eyes._

"You heard me, you little fuck! Now answer me."

"Sir! I returned late from a mission with 1st Class Fair. Sir!" A bead of sweat rolled down his nervous face, and it showed.

"The reports said you returned at 1830! So where the _fuck_ were you?"

"S-sir...?"

"S-s-s-s-s-s..." he mocked Cloud's startled stutter as he craned his neck to peer farther into him.

The nervous boy could hear the chuckles from other infantrymen around him.

"Shut up, assholes!" The 3rd's face temporarily left Cloud's little bubble as he turned his head to shout at the snickering men besides him in the inspection line. And to Cloud's dismay, the face was returned again. He was thankful that the man was chewing on a wad of mint gum otherwise this would have been even more uncomfortable for his sensitive nose. This, however, didn't save him from the man spitting on him as he yelled.

"Fuck you, you little fuck, you better answer me, and quick."

He forced himself to stop trembling, but his voice came out a bit more unstable than he hoped for. "Sir! There was an incident on our mission that required us to visit the infirmary afterwards, Sir! It took longer than expected, Sir!"

Cloud suddenly found a good portion of his uniform blouse bundled up in the fist of the 3rd before him. He was pulled close, his legs having the weight of his upper body being stolen from them. He refrained from letting out a startled yelp.

"You're a piece of shit, you know that, Strife?"

Cloud wriggled under his grasp. No matter what the officers said to them, no matter how they berated them, or swore at them, they were forbidden to touch them in any way under code of conduct. He hoped that his uniform was the only thing the 3rd was going to touch.

"Sir...!"

"I don't fucking like you, Strife," was the last thing the man said before he lifted the boy a foot off of the ground with his strength, and threw him against the metal bed frame behind him. The bunk bed screeched across the tiled floor from the force, and Cloud sank down, gritting his teeth. The 3rd smirked before walking past the shocked faces of the infantry unit.

A nearby grunt went to leave the inspection line to help Cloud who was on his knees, gripping his left side in pain. The frame of the bed was buckled inward in the shape of Cloud's chest.

"Don't you dare fuckin' help him!" The 3rd now got into the infantryman's face. "Don't any of you fuckin' help that little fuck, you hear me?" He continued his march down the line towards the exit. "And clean your goddamn weapons before I get back!"

"Sir!" was the shocked and collective voice from the line, save for Cloud who was writhing on the tiled floor.

"What a dick," someone muttered, as that voice and two others surrounded Cloud, disobeying the orders from the 3rd after he made his exit.

Shaking from trauma and pain, Cloud was hoisted up to his feet from several of his peers, who at the moment he couldn't recognize through the agony in his rib cage. He was just thankful that some people at least cared for him in his unit, even if he was the black sheep of everyone.

"You okay, Strife?"

Cloud felt a hand at his side gently as two other hands were at his shoulders, steadying him. "F-fine..."

"Anything feel broken, yeah?"

Cool air touched his hot skin, and he gasped at the sensation as his shirt was lifted by someone.

Pressure, pain, pressure, pain. This repeated as someone tenderly touched his side, feeling for signs of fracture.

"I think it's just bruised, yeah."

"What a fuckin' dick. I swear I'll kick Mejia's scrawny ass one day." A low, husky voice that carried a hint of blood-lust.

He started to recognize voices now. That was Graves.

"Wait until this gets reported to the Brass. They'll enjoy hearing this." That was Elici, the calm collective tone being unmistakable.

"Do you want me to take you to the infirmary, yeah?" Ratcliff this time. He often ended his sentences with 'yeah'. It was annoying at first when Cloud got to know him, but after a while he hardly noticed it.

"N-no..." He was breathing slowly, as inflating his lungs with oxygen pressed against his ribs quite painfully. "I'll be fine. You shouldn't be helping me anyway. Go clean your weapons."

Graves laughed. "This guy! Orderin' us around!"

The other two chuckled and Cloud joined in forcefully.

"Oh shit, will ya be able ta do the hump today now?" Graves said, his hand going to his scruffy chin in thought.

"How many miles is it anyway, yeah?"

"Seven," Elici said slowly, regretfully.

The four grimaced, Cloud now having two reasons to make that expression.

Elici rubbed the back of his neck, glancing around with green eyes to the other men who were migrating to the metal tables to clean their weapons as ordered. "Well, I'm gonna sneak out and tell someone about this." He nodded to himself, his brown hair swaying in front of his face.

"N-no." Cloud reached out a hand to stop him, but retracted it as pain denied him of this intended movement. "Don't. He'll retaliate."

"Not if his ass is in the brig." Graves cracked his knuckles through leather gloves, habitually. He did this often and made the others cringe. He stopped, realizing that the other three looked at him with disdain. A wide toothy grin covered his dark face.

Ratcliff spoke for Cloud now, sensing that the blond really didn't want this to leak from the confines of the barracks. "No, leave it alone for now, yeah?" He placed a hand on the shaking boy besides him. "Don't upset him more, yeah?"

Cloud was thankful that he had at least some friends, even though they were rather strange in their own respects. After the incident last night with Zack, he was afraid he might be one down on the few friends he actually had. A knot formed in his stomach, realizing this.

"Hey, why don't you lie down, yeah? I'll clean your gun for you, yeah?"

"And if anyone has a fuckin' problem with that, I'll kick yer ass!" Graves shouted to the men, who just looked up at him questionably, and then resumed going about their business, disassembling and reassembling their weapons with a soft chatter.

Cloud shook his head, forcing his hand that was nursing his side down. "No, I'm good."

The three just peered at him.

* * *

The rain was soaking into everything around. It created a cold blanket of woe and dread on the silent men who trudged along the muddy wastelands outside of the city. Nothing but the sound of the rain and the heavy packs on the men's backs shuffling with their steps was heard, until a young blond cadet let out a stifled cry of pain. He fell to his knees, clutching his side.

Everyone continued their pace, walking around the fallen cadet, ignoring any movement but their own. Their minds pressed on in their heads, staring blankly at the path before them, rounding their fifth mile as they hiked back towards the city. It didn't appear to become any closer as the weight on their backs and the rain soaking into their uniforms hindered their spirit. It did nothing but cause their goal to slip further away with each labored step.

"Strife! Get the fuck up!" Mejia's voice was screaming at him from behind the pack.

Cloud moaned quietly, the man's voice rather distant in his ears. Searing pain enveloped his side and worsened as his hundred pound pack on his shoulders began to slip off to the side. It tugged him towards the ground, and his eyes glazed over in a welcoming numbness. He could hear nothing but an echo of his breathing in his ears. Everything else around him became silent.

He could see through half-lidded eyes the face of Mejia shouting at him only inches away, but he couldn't make out what he was saying, thankfully. His blue eyes trailed down and watched as hands gripped his uniform. As if in slow motion, he was pulled up to his feet roughly, but he felt nothing. A white hue of light began to creep into the corners of his eyes. He watched as the scenery around him began to waver and fluctuate. He could feel his body begin to fall.

But he stopped. Had Mejia caught him?

"What happened, Strife?"

His senses were snapped back and he could suddenly hear the rain around him, and the distant footsteps that were fading away in front of him. His eyes lazily trailed up to the rest of his unit continuing on. He saw Elici glance back from the middle, but then resumed with the pack.

Mejia was standing in front of him, his hands no where near his body.

"Strife?"

Cloud turned his head in a daze, and his eyes met those of Kunsel. "Sir?"

"You dehydrated?"

"Sir?"

A grin broke out on his face from beneath his issued helmet. "Hang on, let's get you your water." He reached down, his hand brushing up against his injured side as he removed the canteen off of his waist.

Cloud cried out, the pain stabbing across the nerves in his rib cage.

"What the hell happened, Strife? When did you get hurt?"

Cloud's eyes nervously darted up to Mejia who stood there with a smugness that seeped out a threatening aura to the young blond.

"Y-yesterday...at the training mission with Zack."

"1st Class Fair," Mejia said. "You will address him correctly when speaking of him, runt."

Kunsel looked up and shot Mejia a look that caused him to retract his head, shutting his mouth. Kunsel's face softened, looking down at Cloud. "Why didn't you get this looked after?"

"Sir, why are you wasting your time with this little fuck?"

"Angels! Get your ass back up with the unit!" Kunsel said, and Mejia obeyed, turning after an apologetic salute. He jogged up to continue his reign of power over the rest of the group. His swearing and yells were drowned out from the screaming rain.

"Well Cloud?" His hand was on Cloud's trembling back, rubbing it slightly as if comforting him. "You shouldn't push yourself this hard." The hand was removed from his back and Cloud could hear the sound of the top on the canteen being unscrewed with a squeak. It was brought to the cadet's parted lips.

Cloud reached up and took it, taking a half-hearted swig of water. It just drizzled down his chin mindlessly. Kunsel wondered if he even ingested any at all.

"Sorry, sir."

"Kunsel," he said, correcting him. There was no point in formalities, when it was just be the two of them. "Don't worry about formalities when it's just us, okay?" He was kind and gentle, like Zack. Cloud really liked when he was assigned to lead over the unit; he felt at ease when he was there.

"I'm sorry, I'll catch up. I just...got a little overwhelmed." He seemed eager to follow the unit as Mejia was making his way back to them. A sudden panic formed on his face which caused Kunsel to lift his eyebrows in question.

"How did you say you hurt yourself yesterday, again?" Kunsel observed as Cloud nervously darted a gaze between Mejia and himself. "I heard that Zack was injured, and not you."

"I just...didn't want Zack to know. He worries about me too much, and he really shouldn't. So I didn't say anything to anyone. I'll be fine," he said all in one short breath.

The 2nd Class just nodded silently, watching as Mejia reached them once more. "Okay Strife, back to the hump."

Cloud nodded and readjusted his pack on his shoulders before awkwardly trotting off to regroup.

Kunsel's sudden cold gaze turned to Mejia who was shrouded in a bundle of nervous energy.

"What'd he say?"

"About what, Angels?"

"A-about his injury. How'd he get it?"

Kunsel's eyes burned straight into the 3rd as if reading into his min,d and it made Mejia squirm in his skin. He panicked, wondering what exactly was exchanged between the two. Had Cloud ratted him out? He shifted nervously on his feet.

"If I ever see you touch any of these men like that again, I will have you stripped of your rank faster than you'll have time to blink, Angels. Is that clear?"

"Sir, I only touched him because he was fall-"

"Is that clear?"

"S-sir."

"Move out!"

"Sir!" Mejia turned on his heels and sprinted off to catch up to the men who were now a good distance away. Kunsel watched as Cloud who was following, slipped slightly in the mud, but carried on.

A hand went to his pocket and fished out his cell phone. He flipped it open with a click and dialed a number with ease. "Hey," Kunsel said as the phone was answered with a short greeting on the other end. "You got a minute?" His hearing was strained through the wind and the rain around. "What happened yesterday on the training mission?"

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Three: Young Bones; Little Birdie


	3. Chapter Three: Young BonesLittle Birdie

Chapter Three: Young Bones; Little Birdie

* * *

"Not hungry?" Graves jabbed a fork into a potato on Cloud's plate and ate it swiftly before Cloud was given the chance to fight back.

But he remained still, his eyes staring off into the humble food in front of him.

Elici was missing from the group as they sat in the cafeteria, trying to warm their tired and cold bones from the seven mile hump from earlier that day. They were barely given enough time to strip and shower before being sent back out for a meal. The men hated the days that were dictated and run by the SOLDIERs assigned to their unit. Some days were more relaxed than others and they were given a few hours of liberty some nights, which allowed for the men to do as they please, but as long as it was in Midgar and as long as they reported back for lights out each night on time. It all depended on which SOLDIER was assigned to reign over them, and whether or not they were in a good mood.

But tonight it was Mejia's turn, much to everyone's dismay, which didn't allow for any personal time to be enjoyed. They were hoping they could sneak out and catch a movie at the theater on LOVELESS Avenue before lights out. That hope was dashed as quick as it was thought up as the 3rd was barking out orders to them once they reached the barracks from their hump.

So instead of a nice meal outside of the Shin-Ra building like they longed for, they were stuck with the inconsistent and questionable meal that was served to them in the chow line.

Cloud wanted to see Zack, but thought it was for the best that he wasn't able to. He hadn't spoken to him since the night before after the awkward incident between them. Was it as strange as Cloud remembered it to be? Maybe it wasn't as bad as he thought. Perhaps Zack didn't remember it through the grogginess. He kicked himself, not being able to decide on a resolution to these feelings.

"He's...out, yeah?" Ratcliff said, motioning over to the blond across from him, who sat very still. "Dead to the world, yeah?"

Graves was a mischievous man. He was crude, quick tempered, and mostly loyal to his friends. He was a force to be reckoned with, and the only reason why he wasn't promoted to a SOLIDER class was because of his recklessness in battle at times, caused by a short fuse. 'Shoot to kill' was a motto he took to his heart and obeyed rather zealously, which oftentimes got him deeper into trouble than he would have liked to admit.

And this mischievous man suddenly jabbed his fork not into another potato, but into Cloud's injured rib to get him to snap back into the reality he was avoiding with deep thoughts.

Cloud yelped and then turned to look at the man angrily. "What the hell was that for, Graves!?"

Graves pounded the table raucously, and then laughed a little bit too deviously.

Ratcliff made a sound of distaste at this behavior. "Dammit Graves, you're such an ass, yeah!"

"I know, I couldn't fuckin' resist!"

Cloud tittered at them through the pain. It was a mean thing to do, but he enjoyed the company of these men, however twisted they were collectively at times. "Sorry, I was just thinking."

"Yeah, we could tell." Graves resumed eating off of Cloud's plate, which made Ratcliff start scooping his own meal onto the blond's plate, feeling sorry for him that his dinner was depleting, and he hadn't even touched a bite of it. He was glaring at Graves from across the table.

"Will you stop eating his food, yeah?"

Cloud shook his head and pushed his meal forward. "It's okay, I'm not hungry."

"You should eat, yeah." Ratcliff pushed it back towards him. "Young bones need nourishment."

This was true, as Cloud was the youngest out of his entire unit, which probably was the reason for his alienation from most of the men around him. Save for the three who befriended him despite the six year age difference between them. They looked to him as if he were a younger brother, enamored by his youth and gentle charm. He was humble, considerate, naïve, and innocent all at the same time.

So they could see how Zack Fair could be so easily engrossed with Cloud, even if Cloud couldn't see it himself, as his opinion for himself was rather low at times. But the three men felt that there was something about the boy they couldn't quite figure out, and they knew Zack was relentlessly trying to figure it out for himself, as well. Cloud was that enigma, after all.

And they felt a sense of duty to protect the young cadet, and nurture him, just as Zack felt. They were more than happy to see Cloud slowly coming out of his youthful shell with the SOLDIER as the months went by. The SOLDIER's infectious personality and witty smile affected everyone he came into contact with, and he could even draw some personality out of Sephiroth. That was an accomplishment all of its own.

So it was no wonder that when Cloud began to spend more time with Zack that he smiled more, joked more, and even seemed to toughen up in situations his brain would normally shut down in. Cloud was young and impressionable, surrounded by older men in dangerous situations. For Cloud to be able to enjoy some of his youth with the SOLDIER, it eased the three in their worry that Cloud would fall prey to sin too quickly.

At first Cloud seemed overwhelmed with the man as he drowned in Zack's bubbly persona, stunned that a SOLDIER could be so well rounded in many areas; that someone like him could exist. Any preconceived ideas he had about SOLDIER members were thrown out the window when Zack came along, as Cloud originally viewed SOLDIER as warriors like Sephiroth – strong, stoic, godly, inapproachable. So when that puppy came wagging his tail around, mingling with the grunts as if he were one of them, it humbled Cloud's opinion of SOLDIERs, and soon gained Cloud's adoration.

Ratcliff recalled the first time Cloud had met Zack from their mission in Modeoheim. He was star-struck and awed. He would recount each encouraging word that the SOLDIER said to him on that mission, even though he felt he didn't perform his duties as well as he could have. Zack had just met him, and he treated him with respect and care. Something Cloud hadn't really felt before, and when Zack reached out with that pat on the back, it sent a fire through his soul and ignited a passion and devotion for the man. Like a young child, Cloud would go on and on about Zack, and eventually Graves had to put the boy in a headlock to quiet him.

And there was something there behind those eyes of Cloud's when he spoke of the man – something that only Ratcliff could see. It was an admiration, and quite frankly, a little crush that Cloud developed for the SOLDIER as the months went by. But Ratcliff kept that knowledge to himself, however.

They hadn't noticed Elici walking up and finally joining them with a tray of food. He sat down with a content sigh and immediately placed a small plate of vegetables in front of Cloud, who frowned at them with disdain.

"Get those the hell away." Cloud poked at the broccoli with a fork. "They're stinky." Such a childish response to the vegetable.

"The only way they're gonna disappear is if you eat them, my friend," Elici said and chuckled before he started to delve into his own 'stinky' vegetables.

"Where were you Elici, yeah?" Ratcliff peered at him suspiciously, his blue eyes scanning the somewhat guilty-looking man.

Elici shrugged to himself, pushing the plate even closer to Cloud who leaned back in his seat as if trying to get as far away from the vegetables as possible, without scrambling to his feet and making a beeline to the doors. "Just made a quick call to home. My wife said our son has been sick lately." He turned his gaze back to Cloud who had a face of utter disgust on it. "Don't let it go to waste now. Eat it." It was apparent he was a parent, as he shot Cloud a look not to trifle with.

"Sumthin' goin' 'round?" Graves was making a poor attempt at opening a carton of juice with gloved hands, his black eyebrows furrowed in the middle of his face.

Ratcliff was glaring at Elici from across the table silently, not believing a word the man was saying.

"Something like that," was the all-too-casual reply.

They watched in awe as Cloud quickly popped a small piece of broccoli in his mouth with a scrunched up face.

Graves suddenly let out a cry of anger beside them, as he slammed the carton of juice down against the table. It broke, releasing its contents onto the plate of Cloud's vegetables, soaking them in juice.

Cloud looked elated. "Yes! Thanks Graves!"

Graves grinned widely, as the other two just scoffed and rolled their eyes. "Glad I could help!"

An arm suddenly appeared in Cloud's vision from behind him and a new plate was set down with the same old broccoli, but juice-free, and unfortunately quite edible.

"Tough luck, kid."

"Sir!" The three chirped out in surprise.

Cloud craned his neck to see Zack standing behind him with a gentle smile on his face. "Zack!" he said, partially in utter glee and partially in shock. He was hoping to avoid him for a few days after the previous incident. "W-what're you doing here?"

"I'm hungry, duh!" He nodded a quick thanks as Graves scooted down on the bench so Zack could join in between. They were all beaming brightly at him, excited to have the SOLDIER join them at the table.

Cloud shivered, feeling Zack's body heat as he sat down close to him. A tired feeling washed over him, the kind of sleepiness that would be enjoyed on a warm summer day in the early evening. He resisted the urge to lean towards him and rest his weary body against that strength.

"How was the hump, boys?" Zack stabbed a fork into a rather large mound of pasta on his plate. His tongue was sticking out in concentration as he attempted to wind the noodles around his utensil.

Graves scoffed, eating from his own plate now, as Zack would probably scold him for mooching off of his young friend. "Shitty, of course."

Zack chuckled while slurping a long tendril of pasta into his mouth. He went cross-eyed, watching as it retracted into his mouth, and gave him a slap on the tip of the nose before disappearing. Ratcliff chuckled.

"You only thought it was shitty because your pack broke halfway through the hump," Elici said, and then the two began to argue.

Zack turned his attention to the young Cloud, his friendly and outgoing demeanor suddenly changing as the conversation continued besides them with the now three bickering men. Ratcliff joined in on the topic, attempting to play the mediator.

"Hey, buddy," he said softly between the arguing around them. His normally bright eyes turned solemn as he leaned towards Cloud. "How ya doin'?"

Cloud's breathing was erratic, his eyes darting back and forth on Zack's nervously. "O-okay..." He tried to get his breathing under control as it looked awfully suspicious, and also was quite uncomfortable under his hurting rib cage. "W-why?"

Zack reached up with a gloved hand and passed his knuckles gently along Cloud's side. It was a skilled and erotic touch, whether Zack meant it to be or not, and if it wasn't for the shooting pain in his bone, Cloud would have probably enjoyed it. "I heard you're not feelin' too well."

Cloud jumped at the touch, his knees bumping up under the table and causing the trays on the top to clatter. He fell towards Zack's chest with a small cry of pleasure and pain. His spine went limp at the caress, and his muscles shut down from the pain. It was a strange combination that left him downright confused, and quite useless.

The men turned their attention at all the noise and looked to Zack who was now gripping Cloud's shoulders to help hold him up with a concerned look.

"What happened?" Elici leaned forward to peer around Cloud's shoulder to see his bewildered face against Zack's chest.

"A little birdie told me that Cloud here wasn't doing too good." Zack gave a glance over to each of the men around him, who nodded slowly. "I had to come see for myself."

Cloud tried to pull away from Zack's chest, but he held him there while he spoke, and Cloud wondered if he was aware he was still keeping him prisoner in his grip once more. Cloud could make out the sound of Zack's beating heart, and it resonated through him, not helping his already feeble constitution.

"Zack...let me go," Cloud said, his voice muffled Zack's warm chest.

"Not until you go down to the infirmary for a check-up. It could be broken."

"I'm fine." More muffled speech, and more squirming.

Zack could feel Cloud's hand worm its way past his stomach and up his chest between them in a pathetic attempt to pry himself away. Zack's grip just tightened. "Do I have to carry you down there, Cloud?"

"N-no...."

"Then you'll go?"

"Fine...."

Zack grinned at Cloud's reluctant answer. "I win!" He continued to hold him there, however, not realizing it. He could feel Cloud relax against him, and could feel his warm breath breeze through the fabric on his uniform. It flowed against his skin, causing him to inwardly shudder. His arms slowly wrapped around his shoulders, unaware he was now holding Cloud in a rather deep embrace, and for a rather suspicious amount of time.

Ratcliff cleared his throat, motioning to several people who were now staring with either amusement or confusion. "Sir, shouldn't you take him down there now, yeah?"

Zack quickly let go of Cloud almost roughly, but managed not to jolt the injured boy in the process. "Sorry, Cloud. You're just too stubborn. You can't be trusted. I thought you were gonna make a break for it if I let you go before you agreed." Yet another awful save. That was twice in less than twenty-four hours.

Cloud was blushing an extraordinary shade of red, and was speechless.

Elici and Graves were laughing, and Ratcliff just smiled at Cloud.

* * *

"Now."

"No..."

"_Now!_"

"...No..."

The contents of the bag shifted as it was held out to the reluctant blond. Light blue eyes stared into the brilliant blue eyes of the SOLDIER.

"It's something you have to do."

"I don't _have_ to do anything." Eager eyes glanced at the clock above in Zack's kitchen. Two more hours until lights out. He was growing anxious, and Zack could tell.

However Zack was a stubborn man. Almost as stubborn as the blond who stood there, with his right arm slung across his waist, gripping his tender side with a look of meek defiance. It was his pathetic gesture in denying the only remedy for a confirmed bruised rib – tons of ice.

"You need to do this. It'll help with the pain and healing." Zack was now reading off an information care sheet given to them after Cloud was forced to see the on duty doctor. He chucked it off to the side in annoyance, and it landed underneath the coffee table.

"I hate ice."

Zack released a very controlled sigh through his nose. This breath was unnervingly calm and caused Cloud to rightfully take a step back towards the front door. Zack was scaring the hell out of him.

And before the blond could react, in what was literally two blinks of his eyes, he found himself dangerously close to the chest of the SOLDIER who somehow made a six foot gap between them disappear instantly.

Cloud let out a small gasp, not having even been able to follow this movement, or even the next one that followed.

Zack grabbed Cloud by the wrist a bit roughly, his face remaining emotionless as he suddenly flung the unsuspecting boy against the couch.

He landed with a startled cry, the sound of his weight making the couch give out a leathery squeak. He then found himself pinned on his back, sprawled across the couch with the SOLDIER on his knees above him, leaning in.

Short, restrained breaths were flowing from the trembling boy, his eyes darting uncontrollably across the stoic face of Zack who was inches away with those enamoring blue eyes, that strong jawline, those plush pillowy lips...

His hand still pressed Cloud's wrist to the surface of the couch. Cloud squirmed.

"Z-Zack...what...are you d-doing?"

Zack hushed him, his eyes reflecting into Cloud what could have been mistaken for...lust? He could feel Zack begin to lift his shirt slowly, smiling to the shocked expression of the boy beneath him.

The cool air of the apartment kissed Cloud's damp skin beneath his clothing as it was gracefully lifted up to his neck.

Grasping onto a single word in his mind was impossible as he just lay there, dubious. Cloud whimpered, shocked, and slightly aroused. That was until a sharp feeling of ice was pressed up against his rib cage, and then the sound of Zack's amused chuckle followed as the boy gasped and writhed beneath him. His struggle was short-lived as Zack squeezed his wrist, telling the boy he wasn't going to win this battle. Cloud gave in and lay there, wincing from the pain that was temporarily increased by the cold substance.

After a few minutes of silence between them, and Zack still on top of him, Cloud began to relax as the pain became void from the ice. Zack continued to hold it there, staring down at the blushing boy beneath him who just had his eyes closed and his neck craned as far into the couch cushions as he possibly could, as if trying to worm his way from the ice. Or perhaps worm away from Zack's amorous look he was unconsciously holding on his face.

Zack was fighting off the suggesting arousal between his legs, but he just couldn't resist acting this way to the boy. He was scared of his own actions, but something just told him that what he was doing was okay, that it was right. Cloud almost seemed to be enjoying it too, perhaps, as his pale face had a gentle wash of red.

Cloud's own arousal that should have been there was denied by the shrill feeling of the cold ice on his side. And had this been any other circumstance, he would have been pitching that proverbial tent, as the boys would call it. He was thankful that he wasn't going _camping_ at the moment.

"There," Zack said, his voice coming out a bit more sultry-sounding than he planned, and quickly cleared his throat. "That wasn't so bad, was it?" It was still a bit suggestive-sounding, he critiqued, but a little bit better.

Cloud shook his head weakly from side to side, swallowing hard. "N-no..."

The SOLDIER watched as Cloud licked his lips unconsciously through the subsiding pain, and it made Zack's heart jump and his breath hitch silently in his chest. Zack unconsciously licked his own lips in rebuttal. He wanted to dip his head down while he had Cloud there and taste the smooth lips that made him a bit crazy at times, admittedly.

Zack was a person who always looked people in the eye as they talked, and his gaze wouldn't really wander off, unless it was a pretty woman of course. But, as more time passed with Cloud, he found his eyes straying off and watching his mouth move as he spoke. He liked to watch as the corners of Cloud's mouth would rise as he said certain words, or how his bottom lip would retreat in between his teeth when he would nibble on it in concentration. Or how his tongue would dart out, moistening them with the honey of his mouth, coating them, causing them to glisten in the sunlight. They just begged for Zack to punish them for causing his eyes to stray in the first place. How he wanted to punish them...

But he did nothing of the sort as they lay there in another bout of silence.

Cloud moaned slightly as he shifted the shoulder of the arm that was still pinned against the warming leather of Zack's couch. It squeaked beneath him, drowning out yet another small moan from the blond as he shifted uncomfortably again.

Zack's heightened hearing picked up both moans, however, and the sound went straight between his legs.

"Zack?" Cloud said softly, throughout the still space between them.

"Yeah?" Zack slowly lowered his head, his eyes flickering back and forth on the lips that formed his name.

Breathing quickened, air became stifled, skin grew damp, and lips parted.

Heads lifted and lowered in unison, inching their way to the other in a silent scream of need.

The damn phone rang.

Breathing ceased, air became cold, skin dried up. Lips mouthed a four letter expletive.

"Here..." Zack released Cloud's reddened wrist from his hand and gave him the ice pack. "Shiva help you if that ice pack is not on your side by the time I hang the phone up. You _will_ regret it."

Cloud nodded with a look of terror on his face.

The couch squeaked as body weight was lifted from it.

And the phone stopped ringing when it was answered with an annoyed greeting.

"Oh, Kunsel. N-no, not botherin' me." Couldn't have been more of a lie.

Cloud lifted slowly on the couch, peering over the back of it and watching as Zack paced back and forth in his kitchen as he spoke to the 2nd. Cloud's face was ghostly white.

"Yeah," he said, nodding to the phone, "thanks for telling me earlier."

Eyes glanced up to the clock, he was still okay. It wasn't time to report back yet. He relaxed a little.

Zack stopped pacing, his back turned to Cloud and he spoke softly, secretively. "Yeah, he's okay. He went."

Cloud knew the phone call was about him, and he now knew that it was Kunsel who was Zack's little 'birdie' earlier mentioned. He lowered himself back down onto the couch, obediently still holding the ice against his bruised side.

His mind tugged over to not moments before. Had that been a look of lust in Zack's eyes? Cloud was so naïve over these sorts of things, but his heart began to pound in his chest as if confirming with a silent yell that, yes, it was what he thought it was.

A small smile swept across on Cloud's face, and he nestled himself down onto the couch with a content and pleased sigh. Maybe there could be something there, he hoped.

The sound of the phone snapping closed and the sound of the carpet swishing as Zack made his way back to the couch filled Cloud's ears.

The SOLDIER smiled down tenderly at Cloud who was still lying there holding the ice. "I see you've wised up." He sat down on the edge next to Cloud's hip, thankful that his erection was gone from the phone call. He decided it best not to try any more suggestive things for the rest of the night. He didn't want to scare the boy.

"Um..." Cloud shifted again, wincing slightly. "A-about...last night..."

Zack looked away. "Yeah, sorry about that."

"No...it's okay." Cloud sat up a little. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...been imposing like that."

"Don't apologize to me, Cloud. You were just being a good friend."

Cloud nodded. "I was just...scared, is all."

"Scared?" Zack's attention went back to the young blond who held a painful look on his face, as if he were just informed of a death. "Why on Gaia would you be scared?"

"I thought...I lost you."

"What!?" Zack's mind was reeling and he stared down at the boy with nothing short of a bewildered expression.

Cloud shook his head, forming the phrase a bit better in his brain. "I-I mean I thought I did something to offend you, and I was worried that you didn't want to talk to me anymore."

That bewildered expression melted into a look of acceptance, and tender concern. "Spikey why would you think that?"

Cloud hated that nickname. He hated all nicknames.

"It was...awkward."

"And what I just did to you wasn't?"

Cloud turned his head towards the back of the couch, staring at the intricate creases in the leather. Zack could see his eyes trailing them along in thought. He replied with silence, but the ghost of a smile on his lips suggested that it wasn't so much as awkward, as it was strangely enjoyable. Those lips were moistened again – glistened, unpunished.

Zack's heart began to pound in his chest. Maybe there could be something there, he hoped.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Four: Flinch


	4. Chapter Four: Flinch

Chapter Four: Flinch

* * *

He had watched Cloud fall asleep as they conversed quietly in the warm glow of the flickering television. That same silly sitcom from the previous night was on again, but neither laughed at it.

Zack smiled down at the boy who drifted off from a combination of exhaustion from the seven mile hump earlier, and the inebriating effects of the pain medication dispensed to him for his injury. And like the icing, Zack had to force Cloud to take the pain medication as well, but this was done in a slightly less suggestive and forwardly erotic way.

He sat there and stared at his innocent features as he snored softly on his back, his right arm cradling his chest out of a newly formed habit of the bruising. He stretched suddenly, letting a soft groan of displeasure escape his throat as his legs pressed against Zack's thigh on the other side.

Zack chuckled and scooped the boy's legs up from off the couch and gently lay them across his lap.

The boy responded with a content sigh.

And if it wasn't for one pressing question in his mind, Zack would have spent that time musing over his feelings about this young boy until the odd hours of the night.

How did he get that injury?

Kunsel had questioned him over the phone, stating that Cloud claimed he had hurt himself on their training mission the night before. But after many moments straining his memory of an instance where Cloud could have possibly sustained the injury during their battles, he couldn't even think of a single explanation for it. He sat there, pondering and frowning in thought.

So where the hell did it come from?

Zack was unconsciously rubbing the boy's socked feet with his hand. Cloud purred in his sleep, and it made him realize what he was doing with a jolt of his heart, and he stopped. The SOLDIER watched the boy as his eyebrows met in the middle of a formally peaceful face, and he groaned in protest from the sudden loss of pleasure rubbing throughout his sore extremities.

Zack resumed massaging his feet and that peaceful look returned to that angelic face. He was too sweet for his own good, and it drove Zack absolutely nuts.

Images of the strange and suggestive advances he made towards Cloud flooded his mind and he bit his bottom lip, a feeling of worry and dread washing over him. What was he doing, what was he thinking?

He couldn't even remember harboring these feelings for the boy. They just seemed to appear over night one day and hit him upside the head, stunning him, and then took a permanent residence in his jumbled heart, dictating his increasingly erratic behavior towards Cloud. It worried him, it thrilled him. He was in love with the possibility of being in love with Cloud. It was torturous, and he enjoyed every slowly changing minute of it.

He really hated musing and dwelling on things like this, as he normally was the type to just deal with these situations as they came to him. He wasn't the type to sit and think with patience, and this fact alone was driving him even more nuts than Cloud himself.

Should he just kill the buzz he was riding on and just confess his feelings for the boy? Did he really have feelings for him, or was it a false sense of love shrouded by a simple infatuation with his innocence?

Rejection weighed heavy on his mind.

Letting out a shaking sigh, he leaned his head back against the top of the couch and closed his eyes, still rubbing the boy in his hands. He wished he was rubbing something else on the both of them, instead of Cloud's feet.

_Shit, not now. Don't think that. _He scolded himself.

_'This absolutely sucks', w_as the last thought as he drifted off into a mind numbing sleep.

* * *

Sheer panic, and uncontrollable shaking.

Frantic eyes darting at the clock in disbelief. Heart racing in a heaving chest.

It was three in the morning.

Cloud tugged his legs free from Zack's surprisingly firm grasp – even while sleeping – and he collected himself up off the couch.

Why was he shaking so bad?

The bottle of pain medication rattled in his pocket as he moved, reminding him of exactly why he hated taking prescriptions. Yet another newly developed department of Shin-Ra, the monopoly giant. It was a company that had the motto 'Anything you can do, I can do better, and more flashy, and more extravagant, and will kick your ass all over the place if you decide to oppose me'. What started as a weapons manufacture, turned militia, turned energy company, then turned pharmaceutical. Was there anything that Shin-Ra didn't do?

Cloud scrambled to his surprisingly comfortable feet as he searched frantically for his belongings. Throwing on his boots he flew out the door in the quietest way possible for being terrified to no end of his impending fate.

As he ran down the hall in a frantic blond blur, he didn't even notice the silver-haired hero walking past him calmly in the hall towards his own residence.

Cloud threw a haphazard salute to the SOLDIER as he ran past, and didn't even notice that it was Sephiroth, otherwise he would have screeched to a halt and stood staring in childish awe, despite it being three in the morning. He managed to slip into the elevator as it began closing its doors from the previous rider, and he was able to stop himself before he tumbled into the wall. The elevator painstakingly carried him down to the Infantry floor where each grueling ding of the bell drove farther into his nerves.

He was trying to catch his breath through the pain in his rib. The medication was finally wearing off, or it least if felt like it was. Maybe it was the adrenaline pumping through his veins that made him feel that way as he managed to at least get the trembling in his knees to stop. He preferred to feel the pain, as it informed him of his limits as he moved. Otherwise, being pain free and drugged up would allow him to exert himself and cause more damage if he was feeling falsely better.

Nervous legs carried him through the halls, and he slowed and quieted his pace as he came up to his barracks. He knew some of the men had trouble sleeping at night and there was probably select few that noticed he wasn't in his rack like he was supposed to be, but prayed that Mejia himself hadn't noticed. Sometimes the SOLDIERs who were assigned to watch the unit didn't actually sleep in the rack with them like they were supposed to. They snuck off and did their own thing and came back in the morning to wake everyone up in the most annoying and petrifying way.

A quivering hand reached up to the handle of the door and pressed the latch down with a thumb. But he watched quizzically as the door suddenly became further away, as he was hoisted back by the muffler of his uniform.

"Little fuck!"

He found himself moving through a haze of cigarette smoke before he was slammed up against the opposing wall of the barracks. His head cracked against the wall. Wild, confused eyes darted around as the blurry form of Mejia appeared in his vision. "S-sir!" Cloud's voice squeaked out, breathing panicked and unstable.

"And I suppose this cadet thinks he gets special treatment since he's so buddy-buddy with Zack Fair." His voice was sinister, mocking.

"Sir, n-no, sir!" He shook his head, forcing the trembling in his body to stop.

Cigarette smoke was blown into Cloud's pale face. "Little fuck, I see how you look at him," he said, his hands slowly reaching up to grasp his wrists. He roughly pulled them up from Cloud's sides and slammed them behind his blond head, pinning him.

Cloud swallowed heavily, eyes flickering against Mejia with uncertainty and fear.

Mejia's twisted face closed in on Cloud's, his voice lowering to a mere whisper. His breath was hot against Cloud's clammy skin. It smelled of gum and tobacco. "A little fuck like you doesn't deserve to be graced by such a great man."

Cloud gasped loudly as the man pressed his body up against his, crushing him with his weight. "S-stop..." He winced, his wrists painfully being squeezed by the muscles of the SOLDIER. Mejia's strength was unfathomable, his nerves and fibers in his body being enhanced by mako.

"A little fuck like you doesn't deserve to lust after Zack Fair."

"S-shut up!" His face was red with anger and embarrassment as he could feel the man's erection pressing against his crotch. He grinded him against the wall.

"What were you doin' there until three, huh?" He pulled Cloud's wrists back and then slammed them against the wall as he spoke. Mejia dipped his head down into the crook of Cloud's taut neck and ran his tongue across shivering flesh. "Little fuck, that's all you are." He murmured into him, his hips slowly thrusting into him.

"Shut the hell up!" Cloud yelled, writhing under the sickening touch of the 3rd.

"What the fuck did you just say to me?" Mejia lifted his head from nursing Cloud's neck with his tongue, his eyes coursing with anger.

"S-sir...please, s-stop," he said, and he was pleading now, realizing what he had just said, twice, to his superior. He bit his bottom lip in his teeth, his eyebrows arched in a pitiful look that released a perverted purr from the man pressed against him.

"Wanna know why I call you 'little fuck'?" He released Cloud's right wrist from his grip, and then struck Cloud across the face with the back of his hand. Cloud let out a restrained cry as his teeth tore through the lip he was biting down on as he was hit.

Crimson blood dripped down onto the floor and Cloud watched it in a dazed interest as it formed patterns of anguish across the tile.

Mejia grabbed Cloud's wrists again and spun him around. A forceful hand was pressed into his back between shaking shoulder blades as he once more slammed the boy against the wall face first.

Cloud uttered another small cry as he felt the man grinding against him once more.

"I wanted to fuck you the moment I saw you." He kept one hand pressed against Cloud's back as he struggled meekly beneath him.

Maybe the medication hadn't wore off like he thought it had as his body no longer had the strength to move. His energy was sapped.

The sound of a belt unbuckling filled Cloud's ears and he began to become frantic. Eyes widened, breathing was unreliable, muscles non-existent.

"If I can't have Zack Fair, then I can at least have his little fuck buddy, right?" A quick grunt and Cloud assumed he had released his erection from the confines of his trousers. A hand was now at Cloud's waist, sliding around his hips to the front of his pants. Fingers began to fumble for Cloud's belt.

"D-don't do this, p-please." Cloud could feel his warm blood slithering down his chin. He could see the red smeared across the wall in front of him through blurred eyes. He gasped as Mejia's hand slipped into his now unbuckled trousers and gripped him possessively, in a firm grasp.

It was the first time anyone had ever touched him. He felt like crying.

"You will let me fuck you, or I will tarnish Zack's reputation and ruin him. I can work the system." As he said this, he began stroking Cloud's member with a gloved hand. It was uncomfortable, painful and degrading. He began to detach his mind to the situation, trying to think of other things, anything but what was happening.

He thought of Zack.

A sick moan came from the man as he pressed his lips against Cloud's ear, flicking his tongue over his earlobe. "You're bigger than I thought you'd be."

"Please stop..." He made a feeble attempt to tug away, but found himself being pressed against the wall again with unbelievable strength. The sound of the prescription in Cloud's pocket rattled and this caught Mejia's attention.

The hand was removed from Cloud's groin and shoved deep into his pocket. The bottle was removed and Cloud could hear the pop of the lid.

"You'll need to relax for this." A hand was brought around to Cloud's bleeding mouth holding three pills.

Cloud clamped down his jaw, resisting the fingers that scraped at his mouth and teeth. They pried their way in forcefully and flicked the pills inside. The hand quickly retracted and pressed down against Cloud's mouth as the other hand pressed against the back of his head, pinning him to the wall in front of him. He could feel the enzymes in his saliva breaking down the coating on the pills, and it filled his mouth with a revolting bitter taste. He gagged.

Mejia seemed to enjoy this reaction, waiting for Cloud to swallow the pills. "Swallow," he demanded.

Cloud tried to shake his head between the hands but he couldn't.

"Swallow!" His hands were squeezing his head tight, causing his vision to darken. "You better swallow it, little fuck, or I'll force you to swallow something else."

He managed to shake his head weakly, tears brimming at his frightened eyes. He hummed a protest before Mejia yanked his head back by his hair, and then slammed his forehead up against the wall with a disturbing crack of his skull. Pain erupted throughout his entire body. Cloud was seeing more blood mingling with darkness in his eyes. He swallowed instinctively.

"Good little fuck, ain'tcha?." The bottle was slipped back inside the pocket of his pants.

Cloud let out a delirious moan, his head lolling to the side as he felt his pants being tugged down in a sharp movement. They fell to his ankles as he could feel Mejia's hand grip his bottom firmly. Blood was seeping down his face, trailing along the contours of his eyelid and cheekbone. The quick sound of it dripping onto the floor vibrated in Cloud's ringing ears, enhancing each noise, focusing his slipping consciousness on it.

"Know how long I've wanted to grab this ass?" He chuckled nefariously, his finger trailing along the waistband of Cloud's boxers. "For as long as I've wanted to fuck it."

Muscles tightened, nerves heightened. The air was thick; it was suffocating.

Pain filled Cloud's head, he felt as if he were drowning in blood. His body began to become numb as the pills started to dissolve in his stomach and release the potent dose of medication slowly into his veins. His blood pressure plummeted, his breathing was coming out scarce and labored. His head was bobbing back and forth, trying to stay conscious through it all.

He couldn't hear the footsteps approaching them as Mejia was hissing words into his ear he could no longer understand. He murmured incoherent protests as his boxers were slowly being removed by the man. He could feel the man's erection sliding up against his rear slowly, hot, violating, shameful.

And then an unsettling sound of skin striking skin.

Cloud felt himself falling, but couldn't stop.

* * *

Shouting voices, chaos all around.

Darkness that wouldn't scurry away.

Pain that was relentless and hovered over him like a fog.

He could feel someone tapping his face with a shaking hand.

He could hear his name being called out to him through the darkness.

He pressed his face into the hand that touched him so gently.

He wanted to sleep.

So he did.

* * *

Why was there more shouting? He was trying to sleep.

"That fuckin' mother fuckin' prick! Fuck! He'll get what's comin' to 'im!"

Why was Graves shouting when he was trying to sleep?

"Graves, quiet down. There are people trying to rest, here, yeah?" Ratcliff made a poor attempt in hushing the man, which only went ignored.

The sound reverberated in a hazy mind, causing the blood in his eardrums to vibrate. It began to rouse him from the sleep he so desperately wanted.

"Sir, can you please quiet down?" A female voice, unfamiliar.

Graves was growling angrily. The sound of his frenzied footsteps were pacing across the floor. "I can't believe they didn't detain 'im in the brig for attempted rape!"

_Rape_. The word caused Cloud to peel his eyes open, the sound of the heart monitor besides him becoming frantic in its insipid beeping.

It caused the men next to him to silence.

"Oh shit, he's awake," Graves said.

Cloud could feel a kind hand on his chest. "Hey, you with us, yeah?"

Words attempted to flow from a dry throat, but retreated away back into his lungs. His vision was shaky. He could make out three forms above him. One he didn't recognize.

The one he didn't recognize hurried over to him and flashed a light into his eyes and he tried to pull back. The nurse's gentle, but firm hand on his throbbing head stopped him from moving away. She finished up with the annoying light.

Cloud made an attempt to remove the tubes that were shoved into his nose, but that was also stopped by the same pair of hands.

"Cloud, please don't remove that."

He made another attempt to remove the tubes that were shoved into the top of his hand, but that was, yet again, stopped.

"Or those."

"Jus' do the nurse a favor and don't move," Graves said over him.

Cloud weakly obeyed.

"I'll send the doctor in, in a moment." She walked to the door and ushered Ratcliff over, suddenly lowering her voice to a whisper.

Cloud could make out what she was saying, however, and it caused the heart monitor to go into a frenzy once more.

"I'll send in the psychologist shortly, as well."

Psychologist? Why in the hell would he need one of those...

Mejia's voice resonated in his entire body.

_Good little fuck, ain'tcha? _

Cloud let out a panicked whimper as his body suddenly jolted from its position on the infirmary bed. His movement caused several pieces of equipment he was hooked up to, to shift with a loud enough noise to get everyone to turn and rush over to him. Soon, three pairs of hands were pressing him down as he trashed about rabidly.

"Hey! Settle down, Cloud!" Graves was practically on top of him, which made Cloud panic even more.

"Get the fuck off me!" he cried through an onslaught of whimpers, scrambling through their weight to sit upright.

They left him there once he began to calm, despite his shuddering. The IV tubes were swaying from his arm, the wires from the heart monitor plastered to his heaving chest were tapping together in a frenzy. He suddenly felt like vomiting, and it must of showed as a bedpan was placed on his lap. Just the sight of it alone made him vomit, as if on cue.

"Good, good. Get that medication back up." The nurse was rubbing his back, holding the pan in front of him as he heaved into it. He coughed, the bitter taste from the pills flowing back into his mouth as he retched. Saliva dribbled from parted lips as short cries were uttered from a burning throat. The muscles in his stomach were taut, rigid. He felt like collapsing backwards, but the nurse steadied him with a skilled arm. A few more retches and he was empty.

"Nice job. That's what we were hoping for." She moved aside as Ratcliff appeared with a few tissues and he wiped Cloud's mouth for him, carefully patting the new stitches in his lip. The nurse disappeared with the bedpan, much to Cloud's relief, as the sight of it threatened him once more with vomiting.

Ratcliff sat on the bed next to Cloud's knees, and the closeness of the man made Cloud flinch, the heart monitor reflecting this on the screen. "Hey, no stomach pumping for you, yeah!"

Graves chuckled. "Yeah! They said that the amount wasn't lethal, but sure as hell would give ya a hang over if it didn't come back up."

Cloud sat there silently, his eyes half-lidded over dark circles.

Ratcliff's hand affectionately rubbed Cloud's knee through the knit blanket over him. They all remained silent, not knowing what to say, or just how bad Cloud was physically and mentally. It was like treading on egg shells, which Graves was especially not very good at doing. And that showed as he suddenly blurted out something that made Ratcliff smack his forehead in utter shock and shame. "That fucker's gonna pay for tryin' to rape ya like that."

"Goddammit Graves, just get outta here!" Ratcliff said, throwing his arm out as if to shoo him away.

Cloud was shaking uncontrollably again, his face draining of what little color it still held. His chin began to quiver as his eyebrows arched. He felt like screaming, knowing no other way to express himself, but he held it in, fear washing over him at the sight of the two doctors who entered. He just wanted to leave the place, to rip the IV from his arm and hide somewhere – anywhere.

"Okay, welcome back Cloud," one of the doctors said rather impersonally. He flicked through several pages of chart that he held on the young boy and then tapped it against an open palm. "How're you feeling?"

Cloud didn't respond. Instead, he just stared down at his legs underneath the blanket.

"Nurse, can you get him to lie back down? He shouldn't be sitting upright yet," he said, and a nurse hurried in shortly after.

"Well Cloud," he said while the nurse urged him to lie back down, but to no effect. "You'll be staying with us for a few days to keep an eye on you. You did a little number to your head there." He motioned up to the stitches above Cloud's left brow where Mejia had cracked him against the wall the second time.

"Cloud, please lie down," the nurse said, making another pathetic attempt to push down on Cloud's rigid shoulders. He shrugged her off roughly and she retracted her hands, afraid to touch him as he sat there emotionless.

Ratcliff tried to urge him back down, but Cloud shoved him away with a frustrated whine as well.

"That's okay. He'll get tired and lay down on his own soon," the doctor said, rather blandly. The nurse left the room.

"I don't want to be here," Cloud whispered.

"Well, you don't have a choice. You need to be observed for several days."

"I don't want to be here," he said again, his voice rising in strength.

The doctor glanced over at his colleague, a rather pretty woman who was watching silently, studying him.

She walked over to him, her curly blonde hair bobbing around her shoulders as she approached. She spoke softly to him. "Is there someone you want here with you? Would that make you feel better?"

Cloud continued to stare down at his legs, his hands fiddling with the IV in his arm, contemplating on if he wanted to rip it out or not.

"Zack Fair," Ratcliff said for the young boy.

The heart monitor voiced the skip in his pulse as the name was spoken.

* * *

... To be continued in Chapter Five: Consensual


	5. Chapter Five: Consensual

Chapter: Five: Consensual

* * *

"What...the fuck?" was Zack's breathless and delirious reply.

Sephiroth stood in front of him outside of the Shin-Ra building wearing too calm an expression for the words he had just said to the stunned 1st.

Zack had been called out for an early mission as several rebelling Wutai spies were spotted on the outskirts of Midgar around five in the morning. The war was long over, but remnants of the enemy were scattered around the world, and Shin-Ra had to constantly deploy forces to stop them from their feeble attempts at infiltrating the city.

The silver-haired man repeated himself quietly, somewhat uncomfortable to pass the message along out in public, and having to say it more than once to the man who just wasn't processing this inside his head.

"And...you...his friends...stopped it?" Zack rambled. He felt lightheaded, confused, enraged all at the same time. His body was shaking with ire, shaking with uncertainty and disbelief at what was being spoken. Was this a sick joke?

Zack inspected the hero in front of him with questioning eyes, surveying each minute detail of the expression he held, picking apart each subtle movement of his eyebrows, each contortion of the muscles around his mouth as he spoke. He peered into him, observing the way his voice sounded with each word, taking note how he slightly lowered the volume of his voice when he said certain words like 'injured'; like 'assault'; words like 'attempted rape'.

The man's calm voice flowed from a stoic mouth that Zack continued to study as it moved. "I was returning to my quarters when the cadet ran past me as if the building were being attacked, so I decided to follow from the look on his face. Determining what floor he disappeared to slowed me down, however. After a lucky guess, that's when I found the 3rd...well..." He trailed off, scoffing slightly in disgust.

Zack was shifting back and forth on his feet, an anger flickering through his eyes that almost made Sephiroth nervous. Almost is a far way from actuality, however, and he remained his usual emotionless self before the young 1st.

"He...tried to....rape-"

"Yes." He cut him off as if to either stop him from saying the word, or to put a finality to the situation Zack just didn't seem to be fathoming.

A gloved hand was cupped over an agape mouth.

"But the 3rd is claiming that it was consensual," he continued mildly.

"How is busting open a lip and givin' the poor kid a head bashing consensual!?" Zack shouted and caused several people to turn who passed by.

"He claimed that the cadet was high on prescription drugs, having taken a fall on his own which resulted in the injuries. A significant dose of medication was found in his system with blood work to confirm this allegation."

"No one believes him though, right!?"

Sephiroth stayed silent for a moment, his face remaining emotionless, but his eyes conveyed what could have passed for compassion. "It's under investigation," was his only reply.

"Oh come on, Sephiroth! This is bullshit!" He was shouting once more. The citizens walking past scrambled away at his booming voice in fear.

"You can choose what you want to believe, Zack. But the truth will be evident in your friend's face."

He suddenly blinked at this statement, his raised shoulders lowering slowly as his thoughts drifted inside his brain. "My...friend..." he repeated quietly, his gaze flying up to Sephiroth with a look of utter shock. "Is that the real reason why you followed him?"

Sephiroth stayed quiet. Those eyebrows that Zack had studied lifted ever so finely on his still face, an act that only someone with a trained eye would catch. Zack knew from the years of working with him that that subtle movement was his way of sheepishly admitting to something, although it was a rare thing that he would do so.

Zack's shoulders sank in a sign of complete gratitude to the man who helped save his young friend. "Thank you, Sephiroth. I owe you one."

"You owe me nothing. I was merely concerned for the company as I was under the assumption that the place was under siege. You can thank your friend for being such a good actor to have me fooled. That's what saved him."

"He must've taken lessons from you, Seph. You are quite the bullshitter." Zack was making a poor attempt at a joke, and an even more poor attempt at calming the churning venom that flowed through each of his veins. He was about to paint the town red...with Mejia's blood.

Sephiroth closed his eyes as he turned his head, smirking a very mischievous and borderline sultry grin. "Yes, well. You should be off now. Don't you have someplace to be?"

"Yeah...t-thanks." Zack took a few steps back, pointing at the hero who continued to stand there silently. He mustered the best jaunty tone he could for simultaneously holding in a repressed scream. "You keep up on those acting lessons Sephiroth!" Zack turned on his heels and took off sprinting towards the Shin-Ra building, nearly knocking several bystanders over in the process.

Sephiroth scoffed a very short chuckle, shaking his head. Zack was a terrible actor, himself.

* * *

Tseng heard his name being called from twenty yards away, and through several layers of concrete walls as the voice, accompanied with frantic footsteps, got closer.

He finished signing some paperwork off to an assistant when Zack stumbled into his office, out of breath.

"Done with your mission already?"

"We need to talk," he said through gaping breaths.

Tseng dismissed the assistant and she passed by, giving Zack an interested look, which he so easily ignored.

"What do you want? Unless you're here to hand me the report you failed to turn in, then I'm not that interested."

"It wasn't consensual!" He blurted out, sweat rolling down his face. He had run up more than fifty flights of stairs, as the elevators were taking too long midday while people were heading out to lunch.

Tseng feigned shock over his random comment. He decided to respond with a bland and obvious joke. "I'm not interested in what your preferences are in your personal life." Of course, Tseng knew exactly what the SOLDIER was referring to.

"No, idiot!" Zack shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut, attempting to formulate his next sentence a bit more coherently.

"The incident is being investigated," he said coolly.

"That's not enough for me!" Zack threw out a hand to the side in annoyance. "Cloud would never do such a thing!"

Tseng peered at him, trying to pick apart Zack's overeager behavior at conversation. He just repeated himself. "The incident is being investigated. We're reviewing all the facts and tips, and even the surveillance footage. It will take some time to put everything together, so in the meantime, just..." He trailed off, frowning. "...just leave me alone and stay out of trouble."

Zack blinked at this, pulling his head back in surprise. His hand lowered to his side and it swung there, lifelessly. "That's...it?"

"Yes. Now get out of my office."

"So this guy walks free from all of this?"

"For the time being, until proven guilty, yes."

"I'll take care of him! Give me five minutes, and he'll be dead."

"You will do no such thing. I've assigned someone to watch him for the next few days and while he goes on an assignment during the investigation."

"This is bullshit and you know it, Tseng! Five minutes is all I ask for!!"

Tseng let out a heavy sigh, his thumb and index finger pressing on either side of the bridge of his nose in frustration. The Turk walked over to Zack and peered over his shoulder, making clear that no one was around.

"Look, we had inside reports before this incident even occurred, accusing 3rd Class Mejia of a physical confrontation with Strife the day before in the barracks. This will help the investigation against him."

Zack relaxed, if only a little at this. "Was it Kunsel?"

"I can't tell you the name of the informants, you must understand." Wary eyes glanced to the doorway as someone passed by swiftly in the hallway. His voice lowered even more, down to a whisper. "They're not going to release Strife from the hospital until Mejia is deployed to his assignment. He'll be safe in there."

"So you do believe Cloud's a victim in all of this."

Tseng scoffed, shaking his head. "Look, just...get out of here. I have work to do, and you have somewhere to be."

Zack frowned at Tseng. "Thanks," he said flatly.

"Just let the Investigative Department handle this. And if I hear that you go near Mejia..." Tseng warned, his eyes narrowing, "You will be the one in the brig, do you understand me, Zack?"

"But-"

Tseng cut him off. "That is an order."

Zack threw up his arms in defeat, letting a very irked scoff flow from his very irked face. He simply shook his head as he exited Tseng's office, muttering something under his breath about the magic of 'five minutes' and how it would just solve everything.

* * *

The SOLDIER paced across the hallway in front of Cloud's room anxiously. He stopped to peer inside the window in the door, watching as the blonde psychologist was talking quietly with the equally blond patient.

She was doing all of the talking, and he just sat there in the bed staring off mindlessly into the sheets over him. He didn't budge, didn't utter a noise, nothing. Eventually, after twenty minutes of a one-sided conversation that Zack could see, she nodded to the impatient Zack that it was okay for him to enter. Which he did, nearly kicking the door down in the process.

"Cloud!" he cried, rushing to the side of the bed.

The psychologist was just about to speak to Zack to inform him that he hadn't said a single word for the past two hours that she was with him, when she was stopped by a jubilant sounding Cloud greeting the young SOLDIER.

"Zack!" He looked so incredible at that moment and left the woman completely and utterly floored. He was practically jumping out of the bed, but stopped when several pieces of equipment began to follow him when only moments before he was still as a rock.

"I came as fast as I could, buddy!" He leaned down, attempting to ruffle the hair on Cloud's head, but the doctor pushed his hand away.

"Don't do that," she warned cautiously.

"S-sorry..." Zack mumbled and opted for a pat on Cloud's shoulder instead.

"Were you on a mission?" Cloud excitedly asked, the sunken eyes taking on a light that had been missing for the past day.

Zack's heart melted at the sweet look he held on his battered face and he resisted the urge to scoop him up in his arms and hold him tight. "Yeah." His face fell a bit and Cloud saw this, his face falling in response as well.

"I'm...sorry, Zack." He looked down at his lap again, his hands squeezing the blanket in his disappointed fists. "I hope you weren't worried."

"Hey, hey, hey..." He sat himself on the side of the bed and reached for Cloud. The psychologist was expecting Cloud to flinch like he had done with the others when they got too close, but he didn't. He welcomed the touch.

The psychologist jotted something down on Cloud's file.

"Don't apologize to me like that, Spikey. You've done nothing wrong."

Cloud swallowed hard, his voice cracking. "I feel like I have. I...wasn't strong enough to protect myself...I deserved-"

Zack gave a worried glance over to the woman next to him, who was again jotting something down. He cut Cloud off quickly. "No way, buddy! You've done nothing to deserve this, okay?" A gloved hand reached up and delicately placed it underneath a quivering chin. He lifted Cloud's head slowly, their eyes meeting. "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I should have..." Zack trailed off, frowning. _I should have protected you..._

Cloud began to shake his head violently in defiance, but stopped when he began to become dizzy. He started swaying in the bed, his bright eyes dulling from ailment. "N-no..." was all he managed before he sunk back down to the bed below.

Zack pulled the blanket up on the boy, forcing a smile at him. "Just...get some rest for now, okay? I'm gonna-"

"No!" Cloud jolted up suddenly, and startled the two.

Zack pushed him back down gently. "I'm not going anywhere."

"S-sorry...it's okay. You don't have to stay..." Cloud laughed weakly at himself, trying to dismiss his delirious reaction.

"I'll stay for as long as you want me to, Spikey." He reassured him and this seemed to please the young boy as he nestled down into the pillow beneath his head. His eyes began to sink closed.

"Okay...maybe for...a little bit..." he muttered in a voice that almost sounded like a small child. This was followed by a heavy sigh before he fell asleep, or passed out, or a combination of the two as Zack couldn't tell.

Zack leaned back, after a moment of watching him, and slid off of the bed. "Well?" He looked to the psychologist, who stood as well from the chair she was seated in.

"He has all the classic signs of a rape victim. Anxiety, self blame, guilt. This was definitely not consensual."

"Um..." Zack rubbed the back of his neck, thinking on how to word the question he longed to ask for more than several reasons. "Just...uh...h-how far did....um..."

"Just molestation. There was no real penetration, he was saved in time. But this can easily be just as traumatic as if actual sodomy were involved, especially if the victim was a virgin."

Zack shuddered, forcing down the anger that began to well up in him once more. "That's sick! How could this happen to him?!"

"If you're going to be the one to watch over him for the next few weeks, I would suggest refraining from asking that very question around him. Victims of sexual assault oftentimes deal with two different types of self blame. One being behavioral self blame, and the other, being characterological self blame. Cloud is probably the latter."

"Which means...?" Zack was never one to understand this type of jargon.

"Which means he blames himself as a character, a person, for the bad things that happen to him. He is the type to believe that there is something inherently wrong with him, which therefore causes bad incidents to happen to him. In this case, the assault."

"So lemme get this straight. Cloud thinks that he was assaulted because there is something wrong with him, even though he had nothing to do with it other than Mejia being insane, and Cloud being in the wrong place at the wrong time?" Zack could hardly believe this.

"From watching him interact with you right now, I'm confident that this is true, yes." She removed her slim reading glasses from her face to reveal a pair of very stunning blue eyes. This normally would have caused Zack to slide over slyly asking for a phone number, but the only blond-haired, blue-eyed person he was interested in lay softly murmuring on a bed beside him.

"So...what do I do?"

"Just be a friend. We'll be watching him for the next few days, analyzing his mental state before he's released. I'll work on some cognitive therapy with him to help him cope with what's happened and to get his mind straight again."

She lowered the chart against her waist and glanced over to the sleeping Cloud. "I was admittedly worried at first as he didn't say much of anything to me, but he opened up to you, so that puts a few of my fears to rest." She began to exit the room but stopped, placing a hand on the door before it was opened. "I can tell he is very fond of you, Mr. Fair." She smiled at him in an almost flirtatious manner before she stepped out of the room, leaving a confused, yet pleasantly surprised Zack standing there in excited awe.

* * *

After three days, Cloud was finally released with nothing more than a few bits of paperwork and an appointment card telling him when he needed to be back to have the stitches removed. He was placed on light-duty, clerical work, until his head injury had cleared after a week or so, and Zack was informed of signs he needed to look out for in case Cloud began to relapse into a depression. Cloud denied any medication that was offered to him.

But Zack was nervous as there had been literally no word in the investigation of the incident, and last he heard Mejia was still out wandering around, free as a bird.

Zack wanted to murder the man, but refrained, not wanting to wind up in the brig himself. He needed to behave, so he could make sure Cloud was safe until Mejia was imprisoned rightfully. Of course if Zack had 'accidently' bumped into him with the sharp end of his sword, then he couldn't really be blamed for anything, right?

He chewed his bottom lip worriedly, and this Cloud noticed.

"Zack? Everything okay?" He trotted alongside the SOLDIER who was snapped back into the present as his young voice reached his ears.

"Of course, little buddy!" He wrapped an arm around his shoulders as they walked down the hallway. "Let's get some good chow in you, okay? I bet you're sick of hospital food by now."

Cloud leaned into the warmth of Zack's touch, his eyes fluttering closed momentarily. "Yeah, a little..." he murmured, as if he were half asleep. Cloud could feel the vibrations of Zack's chuckle through his body.

"Well, let's get you back to my place for you to rest, then I'll see what I can scrounge up."

Cloud blushed a bit. "N-no, it's okay. I should head back to the barracks."

Zack grew silent and Cloud looked up at him as he now held a solemn look on his face. He reiterated firmly, his voice taking on a tone that Cloud had never heard him use before. It was protective, dominant, filled with worry. "_No_. You're going to come back to my place, _okay_?"

Cloud was unaware that Mejia was on duty at the barracks for the night. "O-okay." He was released from Zack's grip once he agreed.

"Am I going to get in trouble for not reporting back?"

"Nah, I gotcha covered." Tseng agreed to have some strings pulled after much whining on Zack's part. It was the least Tseng could do for Zack for forbidding him from murdering Mejia in five minutes.

They entered the elevator silently and the ding of the bell caused Cloud to wince with pain, the noise being a bit piercing for his sensitive state. And he found himself stumbling as the dizzying movement of the elevator cart jarred him once it began its ride through the shaft, and Cloud felt himself falling forward.

Zack caught him for the third time that week.

"I gotcha." He wrapped his arms instinctively around Cloud's shoulders, bringing the frail body close to his. Cloud seemed to struggle against him a bit, as if he were trying to stand on his own, but failed miserably. "I got you..." he cooed again softly into the blond hair that was brushing up against his chin.

Cloud no longer fought back as he hadn't the strength to, and he was enjoying being in Zack's arms.

They stood in silence as the cart moved up through the shaft as if in slow motion.

The moment was lasting forever, and Zack was hoping that it wouldn't be interrupted by another passenger loading in as this would probably be a very awkward scene.

Cloud was suddenly moaning against Zack's chest, but it was not a moan filled with pleasure, and this caught the SOLDIER's attention very quickly.

"Are you...gonna...."

"I think so..." He was convulsing against him, trying his hardest not to vomit against the SOLDIER who continued to stubbornly hold onto him even though he knew he might be in direct line of fire of the queasy boy in his arms.

Cloud's usual motion sickness aside, concussions weren't exactly the innocent factor in this onslaught of nausea either.

And the gagging boy against him aside, this was still an exciting moment for the SOLDIER who held onto him so tenderly throughout the elevator ride, even as Cloud vomited against his last clean uniform.

It was going to be a great day doing laundry.

* * *

"One count of molestation. One count of lewd conduct. Three counts of physical assault." A man in a business suit from behind a desk lowered a file he was holding down onto the desktop. "If you plead guilty I can see if we can get you a more lenient punishment. Maybe six months in the brig, a demotion."

"That's it?" Mejia scoffed sarcastically, the arms that were folded across his chest dropped down to his sides in defeat. "After all that money I offered?"

"You're lucky you're walking free right now, despite the money! After all the evidence flowed in, I'm surprised you're not already in the brig."

"Evidence?"

"We received several reports from individuals accusing you of physical assault on the cadet from a day prior to this incident, and a medical report from the infirmary confirms this. The surveillance footage doesn't lie, either. There's no way around this. You can finish up your assigned mission, but by the end of the week you'll be in the brig. I'll see what I can do to lower your sentence."

"I can give you more money. Whatever will get me out of the brig."

The man just lifted an eyebrow at him, perturbed. "Look, it's going to take more than a bribe to save you this time. I'll do what I can. But the evidence is mounting fairly high."

"Who ratted me out?"

"That, I can't say."

Mejia just left the man's office with a twitching scowl across his face. He hunted for Elici.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Six: Apologize to No One

Ending Author's Note: Special thanks to Nekotsuki for beta'ing this chapter for me!


	6. Chapter Six: Apologize to No One

Chapter Six: Apologize to No One

* * *

Laughter was flowing from the SOLDIER 1st Class' quarters, filling the empty hall of the SOLDIER floor with its lyrical sound.

Several enticing snaps of carbonation being released with a hiss were heard as soda and beer cans were opened, followed by more laughter. The small television was still on, but was being ignored by the four men and one boy who all sat on the couch and…well, Graves on the coffee table. Graves was going on and on about some woman from the front lobby and how particularly round her ass was in a skirt, while Elici snickered, Ratcliff had a hand over his face in shame, Zack laughed with him, and Cloud just sat there smiling politely.

Zack glanced nervously over to Cloud as Graves went on blindly about the woman's backside, but it didn't seem to bother Cloud, who reached forward and accidently grabbed Zack's beer absentmindedly.

"Whoa!" Zack grabbed it from him before it could reach his young lips. "That's not for a minor."

Cloud mumbled an apology.

"Wait, aren't you under the drinking age, sir?" Elici tilted his head at Zack who gave a perturbed looking scowl.

"Aren't you too old to be calling me sir?"

Everyone laughed at this, including Cloud. His laugh was a pleasing sound that filled everyone's ears, which made them laugh even harder, but more from relief to see that he seemed a little better by their company.

"I'm sorry, sir, I have to address you respectfully, even though I'm older."

"Yer so by the book, man! Loosen up!" Graves guzzled down the alcohol faster than everyone could blink.

"Yeah, just call me Zack, okay?"

"Sorry, sir."

Zack hung his head, sighing heavily.

"Even shy ol' Ratcliff calls 'im Zack!" Graves pointed out and Ratcliff nodded.

"That's what he wants, yeah?" Ratcliff leaned forward and grabbed Cloud's soda for him before he could do it. Cloud seemed a little annoyed by that, but accepted the help from his friend.

"Well, I like to do things the way they're intended." Elici shrugged his shoulders, sipping on his drink. "I do what's asked of me by this company and execute it to the best of my abilities."

"But if Zack is a representative of the company, and he's askin' ya ta call 'im by his first name, and ya don't, isn't that disobeyin' Shin-Ra essentially?" Graves pointed a finger out from being wrapped around his beer can as Elici's face looked distraught over this logic, and especially this logic coming from someone like Graves.

"You know it's just easier to tell you to shut up, Graves," Elici stated simply.

More raucous laughter.

This was true of Elici, however. He was a man connected to a dying sense of duty. If it was a reasonable request that fell into what was asked of him being Shin-Ra infantry, he would execute the order without question, without hesitation. Of course, if he was ordered to do something outlandish, unjustified and against regulations, he'd tell the person to fuck off and abandon his loyalty to the company very quickly. His morals were strong, and he had a family to think about back home in the Sector 7 slums, and his family to think about here in Shin-Ra.

That's how he saw everyone in his unit - as a family. And when someone messed with a member of his family, those morals and sense of duty were kicked in. He liked to do what was right, and with the proper conduct and protocol of course.

"Ya ever drink before, Strife?" Graves asked the blond boy, who just pointed a finger at himself.

"Me?"

"Duh, yer the only Strife here, ass."

"N-no." Cloud shot Zack, who was sitting next to him on the arm of the couch, a worried look, as if checking for his approval of the conversation. Zack just smiled at him warmly. "I haven't."

"Yer pretty fuckin' innocent, ain'tcha?"

This comment made Cloud flinch in his seat, the color draining from his already pale face. He felt like bolting from the couch at that moment as his breathing quickened and everyone seemed to catch on to this reaction but silly old Graves.

Elici kicked Graves' shin from across the couch. He finally got it.

Cloud was unconsciously squeezing his own hands tightly, unaware that he was nibbling on the stitches in his lip. Zack reached up and brushed a hand along Cloud's mouth gently. "Don't do that, buddy."

Cloud flinched again and made Zack retract his hand, worried. "D-don't..." he murmured, his eyes seeming far away. "D-don't touch me, please..."

Zack slipped off the arm of the couch and squatted down next to Cloud, who looked as if his thoughts were spiraling inward. "Cloud?"

"Hm?" He blinked as Zack spoke, his eyes bright again, his face soft. "What's up?"

Zack was peering at him questioningly. His hand reached up to touch him, but stopped. "Do you need to go lie down? You've only been out of the hospital for a few hours now..."

"Lie down? Why? That'd be rude to everyone here," Cloud said, so innocently, so oblivious to the fact that he had been relapsing into his personal nightmare from several nights before.

Everyone let out heavy sighs at this.

"Never mind." Zack chuckled, patting him on the shoulder. He relaxed as Cloud accepted the patting without a single look of fear or flinching.

"Welp," Elici stood, smoothing out his uniform trousers, "I better head back to the barracks. I have an early mission tomorrow."

"Really?" Cloud looked up at him. "Where are you going?"

"Eh, some guard duty somewhere for a couple of days. Don't worry 'bout it." Elici smiled down at him with that fatherly grin of his. Elici was so secretive sounding at times, and it drove everyone nuts. "I'll come say good-bye in the morning. You're going to be working in one of the Administrative offices tomorrow, right?"

Cloud nodded, not really looking forward to clerical work.

"I'll stop in before I head out." He nodded to everyone an informal goodbye, but shot Zack a salute before he left that made everyone groan in annoyance.

"Dammit, 'By-the-Book-Elici' 'till the end!" Graves shouted after him as he closed the door.

* * *

The other two had left about an hour later, dangerously close to being late for reporting back into the barracks. They noticed how Cloud kept on glancing up to the clock, and how increasingly nervous he became as the minute hand dawdled up to the top of the clock. He didn't want them to meet the same fate he did the night he was late.

So they left when Cloud broke out into a sweat when the hour hand was on the nine, and the minute hand was five minutes away from the twelve.

Cloud relaxed a bit, practically melting into the leather couch as Zack picked up the scattered graveyard of beer cans, and Cloud's half-empty soda can.

The SOLDIER glanced up to Cloud with a soft chuckle. "Don't worry, they'll make it in time."

Cloud nodded profusely. He was bouncing a leg.

"Stop." Zack reached out and put a gentle hand on his knee. "There's no need for the jitters anymore."

"S-sorry."

A heavy sigh. "There's no need for apologies anymore."

"Sor-"

"Ah!" Zack reached a hand out to shush him and Cloud obeyed, shutting his mouth.

Zack sat down next to Cloud, shifting his body so he could face him on the couch. "Listen, Cloud." He scooted close, and Cloud could feel his body heat against him.

Cloud turned his head slowly, sad eyes meeting kind ones.

Zack tilted his head off to the side, thinking for a moment. The sound of a short breath being released from his nose cut through the stillness in the room, making Cloud grow increasingly nervous.

Zack finally spoke. "_You_ apologize to no one." His voice was quiet, firm.

Cloud's breath in his chest hitched. Confused eyes flickered back and forth on serious, confident ones.

"And especially to me. Don't you _ever_ apologize to me for _anything_."

"Zack..." was all he could think of saying.

"Do you understand me?"

And a nod was all he could think of doing.

And all Zack could think of doing was pulling him close and embracing him affectionately.

But they just sat there in the now quiet apartment, staring at each other in the light of the television. They had learned their lesson from the past few times. The sitcom was no longer on, and was now changed to a boring news show. It was still ignored, however.

* * *

After cleaning up, Zack disappeared into his room for a few moments, leaving Cloud alone in the living room.

Cloud drew his knees up onto the couch, wrapping his arms around himself in the cold space. His eyes became half-lidded as he squeezed himself hard in his arms. He didn't like to feel alone like this, even though Zack was only a few yards away.

Was it normal to feel this way?

The psychologist had probably said it was, but he hadn't listened to her much anyway. Now he wished he'd tuned in on her blathering enough to at least be able to relate what he was feeling to the textbook crap she had been spouting off.

Cloud didn't notice that Zack had been speaking to him from inside his room, and when the SOLDIER received no response, he was looming behind the young one with an aura of worry and annoyance.

Annoyance only because of the fetal position Cloud had curled himself up in, sitting upright on the couch.

"Hey."

No response.

"Didja hear me, buddy? I said the bed is ready for you."

"What?"

Zack frowned sympathetically as he walked around the couch to Cloud's side. "C'mon," he urged, slowly reaching down and attempting to uncurl the boy from the position he was in.

"Where...are you going to sleep?"

Zack's hands stopped, a rather large noise coming from his throat as he swallowed heavily. "Y-you're sitting on it."

"Oh," was his bland reply. After a moment of silence and stillness between them, Cloud mumbled, "I can sleep here."

"I don't think so. There's only room for one person on this couch, and that's me." A short laugh from the SOLDIER. "C'mon, let's get you up."

"No, no. This is fine..." A meek protest, and an even meeker attempt to lay down on it, as if claiming the spot for his own.

Zack took on that commanding tone again, which made Cloud practically crawl out of his skin. "Bed. _Now._" His eyes followed the boy, who begrudgingly scooped himself up off the couch with a momentary wobble, and then began to shuffle over to Zack's bedroom with a look of disdain.

"I should just go back to the barracks, I don't want to impose-" He began to turn back around, but found himself staring into Zack's chest.

Zack was right in his instinct to follow him, mistrusting the boy to obey him fully. It was actually a bit of relief that Cloud would stubbornly protest; a sign that he hadn't lost himself entirely in the incident. Zack's biggest fear was that Cloud would turn into a mindless 'yes-man' to avoid any more confrontation from anyone.

"Cloud." Zack's voice came out pleading. "Please just do what I ask for now, okay? It's for your own good."

"Why can't I go back to the barracks, Zack?" His young eyes were looking up at him as if he were a puppy begging for food. "What aren't you telling me?"

Zack looked away towards the bathroom and stared into the dark room, trying to focus his attention on anything but the sweet boy in front of him who longed for answers to Zack's sudden ambiguity.

"Zack?" Cloud asked again, taking a close step forward. He was inches away and it made Zack very nervous.

"Cloud, just...stop. Stop asking questions and just go to sleep, okay?" His voice came out a bit more annoyed than he intended and this caught the young boy by surprise.

Cloud recoiled, his eyebrows arching in a very hurt expression, but Zack didn't see this as he was still staring away. "I-I..." A shaking hand was brought to his chest in a fist. "O-okay...I didn't mean to u-upset you..." His voice trailed off into a whisper as he took a step back.

Zack's shoulders fell, followed by his head. "Oh shit, I'm sorry Cloud. I should be the one to say that." He finally looked at the boy, and then looked away as the expression he held was too painful to view.

"I'm...gonna go. I've been imposing," Cloud whispered again, stepping to the side to walk around Zack.

"Cloud..."

"Good night Zack, and thank you."

Zack let him step around him as Cloud headed to the door to put on his boots.

"Mejia's on duty right now." There, he said it.

Cloud stopped cold in his tracks, the room beginning to spin around him. "W-what?" He turned, swaying on his feet.

"He's...still..." Zack turned around, his eyes trailing up the boy.

"O-oh..." Cloud cut him off with a weak exclamation of surprise. He was _really_ swaying now. And this precarious wobbling of the blond's caused Zack to have an excuse to reach out and hold onto him, albeit it was a concerned grip and not the tender embrace Zack longed for. A touch was a touch, after all.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I thought it would be best for you not to know for now, until the investigation was completed." Zack stepped into the boy, unconsciously running his hands across Cloud's forearms. He realized what he was doing, and abruptly stopped at his shoulders.

"I...uh..." His eyes began to flutter erratically.

"Bedtime?" Zack offered, as the look on Cloud's face screamed he was about to pass out.

He nodded, stumbling around the SOLDIER willingly. He could feel Zack's warm hand on his back as he was led into the dimly lit room in a haze.

He saw nothing else but the full sized bed wrapped in heavenly white sheets. It looked so enticing in his muddled state and he so longingly crawled on top of it, feeling his mind tugging into a wavering sense of unconsciousness.

"You don't want to change out of your uniform?"

A soft groan was a reply as Cloud lay down dizzily on his stomach.

Zack smirked at this, watching as Cloud slipped his arms underneath one of Zack's pillows comfortably. _Wow, he sure knows how to make himself at home._

"Hey wait, you can't lay on your stomach."

Another groan as a rebuttal.

"On your back, now."

"Why?" Cloud's voice was muffled in the down pillow.

"Might have something to do with the swelling in your head."

"I'm fine."

"Okay, okay. But if you wake up with a migraine, don't come cryin' to me."

Cloud flipped over slowly onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He scratched at the stitches in his forehead. They were probably itching like hell as they healed.

"Good boy." He smiled kindly down at him, and Cloud frowned.

"You're so annoying."

Zack laughed at this as he reached down and threw the pillowy blanket across Cloud impersonally, not wanting to be tempted into tucking him in with a kiss. Cloud looked so comfortable at the moment and Zack seriously considered hopping in there with him as he nestled into the pillow. So enticing...

But Zack refrained with a dry laugh and walked towards the door. "I'll be out here if you need me, buddy." He flicked the light off and closed the door partially, then rolled his eyes as he watched through the crack in the door as Cloud flipped back over onto his stomach tenaciously.

_Stubborn kid._

He flopped down onto the couch and flipped through a few stations on the television, but the sound wasn't on. Zack just wanted the light to shine through into his room to keep a better eye on Cloud if he needed. He lay back, his arm folded under his head, peering over the arm of the couch and watching the blond briefly.

He could hear a few fussy moans coming from the boy, but then silence after a several minutes of idle stirring.

Zack sighed heavily then, allowing his eyes to close. Normally he would slip in some unwanted musing over certain things before sleep, but this night it was put on the back burner. He fell asleep very quickly.

* * *

The sound of delirious whimpers cut through the silent space of Zack's subconscious and it roused him quicker than any other sound would at that moment. Even sleeping out in the field on missions, sounds of the enemy wouldn't have woken him as quick as this sound did, as it was pitiful and alarming. It was familiar.

He was up on his feet faster than his eyes could even open and when they did, he found himself already at his bedroom door with his hand on the handle.

Damn, he worked quick.

He pushed the door open with a slight squeak of the rude hinge and peered inside.

Cloud was on his side in a fetal position. The blankets had fallen off onto the floor beside him. The sound of the hinge caused him to stir and wrap his arms around his chest with a groan of disapproval at the noise.

Zack stepped inside, observing as he twitched his head into the pillow, murmuring to himself. He managed to curl into himself even more as Zack got closer.

"Cloud?" he whispered, peering down at him, trying to determine if he was awake. He was asleep, unfortunately, as he seemed to be reacting to a nightmare playing across his slumber. More whimpers from the boy, followed by heavy breathing.

"Hey, Spikey." He sat down on the bed next to him, and this caused Cloud to scoot closer to him for comfort. He reached down and set a hand gingerly on a shaking shoulder.

Cloud muttered some protests, probably replaying the other night in his head as he thrashed weakly against the bed and under Zack's touch. The psychologist had warned Zack of nightmares, as they were normal reactions to traumatic events. Zack knew this all too well. Angeal's death crawled into his memory and he shuddered.

"Hey, buddy." He tried again to rouse him, rubbing his shoulder tenderly, trying not to scare him awake. He watched as Cloud reacted to this touch with more shaking, more discomfort. Whimper after whimper escaped his throat as he shook his head weakly into the pillow, muttering sleepy cries of protest and denial. Zack couldn't take it anymore.

"Cloud!"

Cloud shot his eyes open with a small gasp of air as he fumbled up into a sitting position. He jerked his body up, slamming himself up against the headboard with a few cries of confusion as the last of his nightmare tapered off into the dark room.

Zack went to reach for the boy, but he scurried back even farther, pressing himself against the bed, kicking his legs as if trying to scramble away.

"S-shit..." he breathed, blinking hard several times. "Zack."

"Yeah, it's me."

A bottom lip began to quiver in fright. "I-I thought..."

"It's okay," he reassured him. "It was just a dream."

"Y-yeah..." Cloud ran a hand quickly through his hair, his eyes darting about uncertainly. "A dream..."

"Go back to sleep, bud." Zack began to stand up to obey his own order for himself, but Cloud's frantic voice stopped him.

"Don't leave me."

Zack turned his head back to the boy, a confused look on his face. "I'm not going anywhere, Cloud. I'll just be in the other-"

"Don't leave!" Cloud yelled, his voice cracking with fear.

"Look, you really need to get some rest. Are you running a fever?" Zack went to touch his forehead but his hand was smacked away.

"Please!" Scared eyes stared at the SOLDIER hopefully.

"Okay, okay." Zack motioned for Cloud to lay back down, but he didn't move. Sighing, Zack realized what he wanted and he crawled across the foot of the bed to the other side, sitting next to him. "You know it's gonna be a long night like this," he said jokingly.

They both leaned up against the headboard, their heads tilted back and staring up at the ceiling together.

"I...don't feel right," Cloud said finally, after several long moments of awkward silence.

"Well yeah, that's expected after what happened."

"No..."

"You gonna puke again?"

"No."

They fell silent.

Zack scoffed a short laugh, his head slowly lowering from the wall. He turned his gaze over to Cloud, who simultaneously was doing the same thing in the dark. The television from the other room cast intricate shadows on their faces through the crack in the door.

They both looked at each other, their expressions filled with trepidation, confusion, fear.

"I...feel the same way," Zack replied simply.

They both turned their heads back in unison to the wall and spent the next several hours together sitting in an uncomfortable yet pleasant silence as the sun began to rise.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Seven: By the Book.

Ending Author's Note: Special thanks to Nekotsuki for beta'ing this chapter for me!


	7. Chapter Seven: By the Book

Chapter Seven: By The Book

* * *

"Hey kid! How you doin' this morning?" Elici stepped into one of the numerous Administration offices held in the large building with a seabag slung over his shoulder. He immediately had to repress a laugh. A woman from the office was standing next to Cloud scolding him, as he had accidentally stapled his leather glove to a stack of reports that were meant to be filed. Cloud was looking red in the face and very much abashed.

"Cloud," the woman cooed firmly at him. "This might be easier if you removed your gloves, you silly boy."

He was fighting back the blood in his cheeks as she nursed the stapler off his glove with strings of giggles. "S-sorry," he mumbled, helping her by giving his arm a firm tug away. The glove came free, but not without more laughter from the woman.

"It's okay," she said reassuringly. "The cost of the staples will just come out of your paycheck." Then she laughed at him when he held a face that seemed to actually believe her. "You're so helpless." She sighed once she had successfully removed the remaining staples from his glove. "Did you nick your hand?"

"No," he said sheepishly, scooping up the papers in his hands before turning towards the door. "Elici!" He smiled at him weakly from under a pair of tired eyes. "Heading out?"

Elici frowned at how weary he looked but said nothing to remind him of his outward appearance. Rumors had already begun to spread through the building like wildfire, and soon it seemed as though everyone had heard of Cloud's traumatic experience from several nights before. Most of the army and staff seemed to be on Cloud's side, and he had already gotten numerous people – mostly sympathetic women whom he didn't know – clamoring to him and asking him if he needed anything, or any help. He was uncomfortable in his skin enough already, and the attention he was accumulating from women around the offices wasn't helping his already shy demeanor any.

"Mind if I steal him for a few, Miss?" Elici asked the woman, and she nodded, dismissing Cloud with a wave of her hand.

"He's slowing me down anyway. He's good eye candy, but not much help elsewhere." She shot the boy a wink as he uncomfortably frowned as he followed Elici out into the hallway.

"Hah, I knew you'd always be a lady killer," Elici joked, placing his free arm around Cloud's shoulders instinctively.

He flinched, and Elici immediately released him.

"Sorry."

Cloud shook his head, fighting off the impending jitters that threatened to surface. "It's cool," he forced out. This was Elici; he'd never do anything to hurt him or make him sad in any way. He was the calm one of the group, the level-headed one, the pillar of inner strength that the rest of the unit looked up to as a guiding light.

They walked to a lounge area off the main lobby of the floor and they took seats across from each other in a set of rather stiff chairs. It reminded them of the chairs in the waiting room of the infirmary.

"You won't have to worry about Mejia for a few days, Cloud," Elici said bluntly once they got themselves comfortable.

Cloud looked up, his lips twinging slightly, but he forced himself to smile. "That's good."

"We've been ordered out to the Northern Crater."

That smile disappeared. "What...?"

Elici could see Cloud's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard with nothing short of fear plastered on his face.

"He's been assigned to relieve a few men out there for a week. He was told he needed to take two people with him, so he picked me and another from the unit. Evans, I think."

"Why would he pick you?"

Elici just simply shrugged, frowning thoughtfully. "Probably because he was forced to, I'm assuming. I am known to keep a watchful eye on everyone. Who else better to keep an eye on a crazed madman?"

"How about a SOLDIER or Turk?" Cloud's voice was beginning to strengthen, much to Elici's surprise. "Isn't that their job! Why do they have to send you there!"

A few people glanced over at them, and Elici hushed him.

"Now, now. Calm down, kid." He was suddenly smiling very widely with a sparkle in his eye which made Cloud recoil his head in confusion. "I was waiting to tell you all this for when I got back, but I'll let you in on a little secret, my friend." He motioned Cloud to scoot closer in his seat, and Cloud obeyed, sitting on the edge.

"I've been promoted."

"O-oh." Cloud slipped back in his chair, looking down with nothing more than a nod.

Elici didn't expect much else, as everyone knew that it was Cloud's dream to be SOLDIER, having failed one attempt at joining already in the past. "Sorry I didn't say anything beforehand, but I just recently found out not a day ago."

"When did they hold tryouts?"

He frowned, feeling very guilty all of a sudden. "While you were in the infirmary."

"Great," Cloud said flatly.

Cloud's youth was very apparent during times like these, and it made Elici think of his own young son back in the slums who would pout when he didn't get his way. "Hey now, don't be all pissy. You'll get your chance."

That forced smile was back on his face. "Yeah, sorry. Congrats, Elici."

"Hey! That's 3rd Class SOLDIER Elici to you now, grunt." He reached out and ruffled Cloud's hair lightly, careful not to jar his healing head too much. "Well, technically I'm not SOLDIER just yet. I have to wait until I get back to receive the official title, and the broadsword of course."

"Graves is gonna be so damn pissed," Cloud said once the ruffling had ceased.

"Yeah, don't tell him yet, okay? I wanna see the angry look on that face of his when I smear it all across him after the ceremony." A surprisingly dark chuckle flowed from the usually serious man and it made Cloud laugh genuinely. "So you can relax while I'm gone with that ass, Mejia, okay?"

Cloud gave a quick nod with a smile. "Yeah, don't worry about me."

Elici frowned then and it made Cloud frown in return. "I do, though."

They became quiet, and Cloud shifted nervously in his seat. A wave of guilt washed over him, and he started to hate himself for causing his friends to constantly worry and care for him. He should be strong enough to handle himself on his own just like everyone else.

"Elici?" Cloud's voice suddenly came out soft, barely there.

"Yeah?"

"Did...you tell anyone about what Mejia did to me in the barracks?"

Another silence hazed over the two. People walked past casually, some of them laughing with each other, some of them hurriedly scurrying by in their busy life.

Blue eyes met green, a young boy met a man in a telling stare.

"Of course I did," he simply said.

'By-the-Book-Elici' until the end, of course.

* * *

Five days passed by since Elici had been shipped out with Mejia to the Northern Crater. Cloud was nervous going back to Zack's apartment after his behavior with him that night, so he avoided him thoroughly, spending the next few nights in the barracks.

At first he was even more nervous to return there, in fear of ridicule, in fear of rejection. But everyone seemed to be respectful towards him, and maybe even a little bit welcoming of him once he finally gained up the courage to enter again.

It was lonely at times when everyone was out on missions or humps, and Cloud was left behind due to his injury. It was driving him crazy being left alone after five p.m. in the barracks once the offices began to shut down and there was no more work left for him to do. He occupied himself by staring up at Ratcliff's bunk above his most of the time, or drifting in and out of naps.

Zack had stopped by once to check in on him a few days prior, but couldn't stay as he was heading out for his own mission that would last for a night or two. Their encounter was awkward between them, but they both tried their best to act as though everything were normal.

It was far from normal.

_"I … don't feel right." _His own voice echoed in his mind as he lay on his bunk, staring up at the bars and springs above his head.

He turned on his side to curl up, mentally kicking himself for blurting out such a strange phrase to Zack. He wasn't sure what he meant by saying that, but somehow Zack knew what he was talking about and agreed that he too felt the same way.

Cloud let out a longing sigh, his mind drifting to Zack. He really missed spending time with him, and it was torturous. But he felt so ashamed for his behavior while in Zack's care that he couldn't even fathom showing up at his place as though nothing awkward had happened. He had acted so distracted, helpless and invalid. It was embarrassing. Never had he let anyone see him act so oddly before.

But never had he been molested by someone before either. He felt demoralized, emasculated.

He really didn't feel right.

Maybe that's what he meant.

_Yeah right._

Cloud stuffed his head under his pillow with an embarrassed groan. He didn't notice the sound of the double doors opening and his fellow unit piling in after a day of training in materia usage.

A few loud men yelling nearby startled Cloud from his musing and he sat up, peeling the pillow away, messing his already wild hair up even more.

Ratcliff chuckled warmly and sat down on Elici's bunk, which across from Cloud's. "Hard at work, yeah?"

Cloud brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and stared off at the tables on the other side of the room where several men were already making themselves comfortable with a game of poker. "Not really."

"That was sarcasm, yeah."

"I know."

Ratcliff frowned briefly, which he didn't like to do much, so he turned it into a friendly grin, reaching out and patting Cloud on the shoulder. "Wanna go see what Zack's up to? I think he's back from his mission, yeah?"

"Not really," he said again.

Ratcliff removed his issued helmet and tossed it up onto his own bunk with a practiced ease. "Something happen between you two, yeah?"

"Not … really."

"Bullshit," a deep voice said, and Graves emerged, removing his helmet and shaking his head of short, wiry black hair. "Ya've been avoidin' him."

"Have not."

"Whatever ya say, man." Graves clambered up the metal ladder to his bunk above Elici's and flopped down on it with a content sigh. "Weather out there's a bitch, man. Cold as fuck. Be thankful yer inside, Cloud."

Cloud just ignored him, pulling his knees a bit closer to his body. The cold never bothered him anyway, being from Nibelheim. He thought of Zack being out in the cold, having grown up in the humid tropics of Gongaga. He wondered how he was holding up in the rainy weather outside, but then realized he had no idea to where his mission had sent him. Maybe Zack had been out in Costa del Sol for all Cloud knew.

And then he thought of Elici at the Northern Crater. That was a cold blizzard that would even cause Cloud's Nibelheim blood to freeze over. He shuddered at the thought.

"Has anyone heard from Elici?" Cloud suddenly asked, lifting his head from off his knees. He looked at Ratcliff who just shrugged nonchalantly.

"Nah, fucker's prolly eatin' icicles up there for all we know. Makin' yellow snow, the fun stuff," Graves said.

Ratcliff was disgusted by that comment, and he made a scoffing noise to voice his distaste for Graves' speech. "You need to learn some manners, Graves, yeah."

Graves flipped over onto his stomach and hung his head off the bunk, glaring down at the two with his sharp, amber eyes. "And ya need ta be a little less of a sissy boy. Find yerself a woman ta set ya straight."

"Graves!" Cloud snapped up at the man who just laughed and returned to his bunk.

Ratcliff didn't seem bothered by this crack at his sexual preference, as it was well known that he preferred the company of a man over a woman. The whole 'Don't ask, don't tell' motto of the Shin-Ra Infantry Division didn't mean a damn thing to Ratcliff. He seemed to care less what people thought of him, and Cloud envied and admired that confidence in him.

"And when's the last time you were ever with a woman, Graves? Seems to me that you repel them with that attitude of yours, yeah!"

Graves just muttered an angry reply, somewhat defeated. The sound of a magazine rustling above was heard. "Last time I was with a woman was right about now …" He suddenly made a rather perverse chuckle; he was obviously looking at a dirty magazine.

"That's just sick, yeah!" Ratcliff shook his head, turning his attention back to Cloud who was trying to sneak a peek at the magazine out of curiosity, or maybe he was just too naïve to understand what Graves had meant.

"You're too young for that, yeah."

"I'm fifteen, and I'm not looking at it …" Cloud said, his eyes darting back over to Ratcliff. "I just didn't understand what he meant."

Hit the nail on the head, Ratcliff did.

"And it's not like I haven't seen those before anyway."

Ratcliff tilted his head back, a shocked and dubious look on his face. Perhaps Cloud wasn't as naïve as some perceived him to be.

"T-they weren't mine …" Cloud began to clumsily explain to Ratcliff, as Ratcliff still held a startled expression on his face. "They were this guy's … back home and he snuck them from his dad …" He was now rambling, feeling his face turning red at the cheeks.

"Cloud, Cloud," Ratcliff said, hushing him, "you don't have to explain anything, yeah?"

"Yeah but … I'm … not like that …"

Graves' voice chimed in from above. "Stop while yer ahead, kid!"

Cloud shut his mouth, burying his face in his knees with a helpless moan.

Ratcliff couldn't help but laugh at him – a lot. "You're too cute!" Ratcliff cried, nearly doubling over with laughter.

Cloud's head shot up. "What!"

Ratcliff ceased his laughing.

"I said, 'You're too cute.' Sorry if I made you uncomfortable, yeah?" He wiped a tear away from the corner of his eye as his shoulders slowed in their heaving movement.

Cloud's eyes were darting back and forth on Ratcliff, his mouth parted slightly, his eyebrows furrowed on his forehead. It had finally registered in his brain what was said to him a week prior.

"Everything all right, yeah?" Ratcliff peered at him worriedly.

"I … don't feel right," Cloud muttered.

"Look whatcha did, Ratcliff. Ya gone and broke the boy," Graves said from above. He flipped a page in the magazine and made a sound of piqued interest in whichever body part was being viewed. Surely he wasn't reading one of the published articles.

Ratcliff raised his eyebrows, staring into the turmoil-filled eyes of the boy in front of him. "Oh." He nodded his head slowly, understandingly. "I see."

Cloud frowned, looking absolutely petrified in his own body at that moment and he slowly lowered his head back down onto his knees.

Ratcliff knew that look a little too well.

* * *

An unrelenting blizzard showered past two men perched at the mouth of the Northern Crater. Sheets of smug ice whipped past them, stealing away what little warmth they had left in their bodies, stealing away their sight and their voices. The storm was greedy and rude, ignoring the pleas of the frantic men as they searched for their target.

Mejia had disappeared from his post.

"Shit, lost him!" Elici shouted to Evans, who was shuffling around in a circle, searching through the falling snow.

"Where could he have gone?" Evans yelled back through the roar of the blizzard.

Elici trotted up to him, cradling himself from the unimaginable frost as he stumbled a bit in the powdered snow. "I think he went south from here!" He was still shouting even though he was a mere yard away. The howling wind carried his voice off into the depths of the Northern Crater which gaped ominously besides them, sight and sound plunging deep into darkness.

"We can't leave our post, sir!"

Elici cursed, glancing nervously between Evans and the now fading footprints in the snow from Mejia's desertion of his post.

Why the hell had he run off?

There was nothing for miles around. Hundreds of miles. The nearest village was Icicle, but that was reportedly overrun by a terrorist group called AVALANCHE. There were also reports of strange creatures attacking alongside AVALANCHE, which Elici was informed of by the guards they relieved when they got there. There were also reports of several SOLDIERs deployed to Icicle to handle whatever was happening there, which included a 1st Class and a Turk. Something big must have been going on down there for Shin-Ra to send SOLDIER, let alone a 1st and the Turks.

"Stay here, I'm going after him!" Elici finally shouted the order and Evans nodded, readjusting his grip on his rifle. "If I'm not back in fifteen, radio in the situation, understood? We have may a deserter!"

"Understood!"

Elici gave a final nod and trotted off into the angry storm around them.

* * *

Ten minutes …

Thirteen minutes, maybe?

He had been gone for too long. He had to head back. The footprints leading away from their post were gone now from freshly layered snow. Elici glanced back with frantic eyes to his previous direction. His own footprints were beginning to dwindle, and even with a compass and a level head on his shoulders he would soon find himself lost in the sea of chaos around him if he didn't turn back now.

He trudged back through the snow, his uniform soaked with the chilling reminder of the deceiving beauty around. Each tree, each boulder he passed was blanketed with a unique sprinkle of individualism from the minute flakes that fell. The pure white around was a tangible representation of how the Lifestream existed in his mind – hauntingly beautiful, and devoid of anything but endless movement and infinite delicacy.

And if it wasn't for the piercing cold in every fiber of his body, every inch of bone through him, he would have taken a longer look at this marvel before him. The bitter cold was too much a representation of what death would feel like – merciless, unforgiving.

Elici could see the peak of the crater through the haze of snow flying past him as he neared.

Elici could see Mejia standing over a fallen Evans.

"Mejia!" His voice cut through the strength of the blizzard and pierced the ears of the man above him.

"Can you believe that this fuck tried to detain me?" Mejia shouted. His eyes darted over to Elici who was scrambling up the side of the crater with his rifle in hand. "Only a mindless idiot would defy me." He turned to face Elici as he finally reached him, his weapon aimed directly at Mejia's head. "Mindless fuckin' idiot …"

"Back away from Evans."

An unbelievable cackle flowed from Mejia. "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill him."

"Then back away and put your goddamn hands up!"

"Are you seriously trying to order me around, Elici!"

Elici stopped, his hands shifting on the trigger and the stock of the assault rifle. His weapon began to lower, his head beginning to rise upright.

"You seem to have forgotten that I'm still in charge, fucker." Mejia began to clamber down the terrain of the crater, approaching Elici with an aura of blind confidence. The type of confidence that was unrestrained, unwavering, that suggested he had the upper hand.

Elici was the one holding the weapon, Mejia was defenseless. He reassured himself in his mind.

"Wanna know somethin'? The only reason why they won't promote me to 2nd class was because I wasn't able to fill a quota."

Elici waited, digging his bent stance further into the snow.

"Not enough men under my command were passing with high enough scores in their P.F.T testing and Materia training courses. You see, I need enough people under me to be promoted for me to earn a promotion. Stupid fuckin' thing, if you ask me."

"What are you getting at?" Elici shouted through the wind.

"I'm the one who had you promoted, you fuck! To fill my goddamned quota!"

Elici began to lower his rifle, stunned.

"But then you went and ran to the Brass and told them what I did to Strife. Mother fucker, shoulda just kept your goddamn mouth shut!"

"You mess with my friends, you mess with me."

"Oh don't give me that shit. Strife ain't nothin' but a little fuck."

Elici's finger switched the selector lever from single shot to burst. "'Little fuck', huh? You're a disgrace."

"I forgive you, Elici. I really do."

"Fuck you."

"No, I'm serious! And I'll prove it to you."

Elici watched as the man walked back up to the lip of the crater, gripping Evans by the muffler around his neck and pulling his upper body off the white pillow of snow he lay on lifelessly.

"I was thinkin' of having your promotion pulled since you ratted me out, but I'll give you a chance to make it up to me."

"Put him down," Elici warned, the muzzle of his rifle trailing Mejia's movements.

"Shoot him," Mejia ordered.

"I refuse!"

"Shoot this fucker and I'll reinstate your promotion to SOLDIER."

"I refuse!" Elici repeated louder.

"You know that I can be off the hook?"

Elici pulled his head back from the side of his rifle, peering at him through the snow. "What?"

"For trying to fuck Strife."

"What the hell are you talking about!"

"My family is rich, fucker! I can have anyone bribed off easily! Then I'll be free to fuck him whenever I want!" There was a joyous glee to his voice as he said that, one that made Elici's heart and stomach lurch.

"What the hell did Strife ever do to you!"

"Shoot this motherfucker now, and you'll be promoted, and I'll leave Strife alone!" He was shaking the unconscious Evans in his hands violently as he screamed this. "That's an order!"

Elici lowered his weapon. "I refuse."

"Fine, I'll do it." Mejia suddenly reached into his pocket, pulling out a 9mm handgun.

"Stop!" Elici went to fire his rifle at Mejia, but the SOLDIER was too fast.

The blizzard was no longer rude, it was no longer smug as it lowered its head in humility to the gunshot that reverberated through it.

Elici watched as the bullet entered Evans between the eyes that began to slowly open to the final scene in his life. His eyes closed again, his body falling onto the tainted white below.

"Shoulda listened to me, Elici. Now I have to kill you too," Mejia casually said as he stood, scooting the lifeless man off into the crater with a simple shuffle of his boot. Crimson snow followed Evan's body as it disappeared over the edge into that darkness.

No words escaped Elici's mouth. No thoughts ran through his head as the crazed man moved towards him in an unimaginable and untraceable display of inhuman speed.

Elici had forgotten that in this disgraced shell of a man was still a SOLDIER.

His clothes seemed dry.

The bitter cold in his bones was gone now.

The delicate feel of the snow engulfing him made him smile, reminding him of his family, reminding him of the blond boy who captivated his heart with innocence.

The Lifestream was exactly as Mick Elici pictured it to be.

White, endless, exquisite.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Eight: Color of Existence.

Ending Author's Note: Special thanks to Nekotsuki for beta'ing this chapter for me!

Edit 6-25-2011: Finally got around to re-editing the chapter myself since my writing style has changed for the better over the two years of writing this story. I cleaned up a lot of it, but it still needs more work, along with the first twenty chapters or so. Eventually I'm going to edit and change a lot of these chapters, so for those of you who are rereading the story for the umpteenth time, don't be surprised if things change. For those who are reading for the first time, well, enjoy. -Ziggy


	8. Chapter Eight: Color of Existence

Chapter Eight: Color of Existence

* * *

There was knocking at his door.

Someone knocking at two in the morning?

Zack collected himself from his couch, kicking aside the overturned coffee table, walking through the explosion of paperwork scattered across the floor that was mingling with the contents of his seabag that lay strewn about. He stepped over an overturned barstool from his counter that had somehow made its way to the front of his living space.

The knocking turned into frantic pounding.

Zack wiped at his eyes quickly as he exhaled a brief sigh. He opened the door, peering through it cautiously at first. But then the door was swung open widely at the sight of his frenzied visitor.

"Cloud?"

And before Zack could inquire to him as to why his shoulders were heaving, as to why his face was stained with tears and why his eyes were trembling with turmoil, Cloud blurted out loudly through a sucking breath.

"Elici's dead!"

Zack stood there, his hand dropping from the knob on the door and stopped at his side. His mouth began to move, but no words came out as Cloud stood there quivering violently, making a valiant effort to hold back the tears that Zack knew he wanted to release.

"C-come inside." Zack ushered him in, closing the door behind him as he entered the apartment swiftly. Zack frowned down at him when he began to remove his boots with muscles being racked with spasms. His fingers could hardly latch onto the laces. "Cloud, don't bother, just get in here."

Cloud nodded numbly, and obeyed.

And the apartment was in complete disarray like there had been some sort of struggle. Everything was everywhere and nowhere it should have been.

"What...the hell happened?" Cloud said, turning towards Zack in the darkness. "Is everything okay?"

"Don't you ask me that right now. Don't you worry about any of this, okay?" He nudged him through the mess and sat him down on the couch which was slightly off centered – _slightly_ meaning completely facing the neighboring wall it normally faced. They were staring into Zack's bedroom as they sat on the couch, and Cloud could see that the mattress had been overturned, and the sheets thrown about in what looked like a fit of rage and emotion.

"Zack, is everything okay?" He looked to his friend who was staring dully into the bathroom.

"I said don't worry about me. I'll tell you...another time." He forced a smile at Cloud, trying to repress his own tears that were trying to surface for his own reasons.

They sat in silence for a moment. The only sound was Cloud's heavy breathing and Zack's heavy swallowing.

"He...died at the Northern Crater..." Cloud finally confessed, and Zack could hear the leather gloves around his hands tighten and squeal as he formed them into fists. "He...has a family, too..."

Zack's mouth twitched, wondering if he should ask the boy the question that burned in his mind. He knew that Elici had been deployed out there with Mejia. "Do they..." He paused as Cloud looked to him. "...Know how he died?"

Those words seemed to have pierced through Cloud's troubled heart as his gaze went to the floor, and the tears began to flow silently down his face.

"...It's still being investigated," was his surprisingly steady reply through the shaking of his shoulders.

"When did you find out?"

"Right now."

"And you came here first?"

Cloud nodded, almost in a shamed way. He was angry at himself for having avoided the man for the past few days, only to run to him when he needed the comfort. He was pathetic, or at least so he thought.

Zack let out a shaky sigh, rubbing the back of his neck. He stopped when he glanced to Cloud, who sat there clutching his forearms in a feeble attempt to embrace himself through the pain. Zack's face softened as he slowly reached over to the crying boy beside him.

The touch made Cloud jump slightly; it was unexpectedly warm and soothing. Zack's thumb began to stroke the hot skin beneath his hand instinctively, and instinctively the boy began to lean into it.

"Cloud?" Zack whispered.

"Yeah?" he replied, his voice mild and full of remorse. He cried soundlessly, hoping that Zack wouldn't notice the tears.

"What can I do for you right now?"

Cloud shook his head. He sniveled quickly as he took in a breath to speak. "Nothing," was his breathless answer.

"I'll do nothing, then."

Cloud nodded, satisfied by his answer.

Zack, of course, couldn't do just nothing.

He gripped the base of Cloud's neck and suddenly pulled the boy into his chest. Cloud followed willingly with no ounce of hesitation in his movement. Zack pressed him against his body, wrapping his arms around the boy's shoulders as Cloud let out an unrestrained sob into Zack's uniform that he had been holding in.

He shuddered against him; he gasped before him; he nuzzled into him.

And Zack found himself crying then with Cloud as he tightened his grip, his eyes squeezing shut with his own pain, his own loss. But Cloud never saw those tears, as when he tried to lift his head, Zack only pushed his head back down gently into his chest with a soothing hush. To hold him down, Zack rested his chin against the soft spikes of hair that brushed against his wet face. His eyes fluttered closed, breathing in Cloud's scent. It was fresh, clean, liberating. Like an ocean of innocence.

And he soon found himself burying his face in that ocean as the boy cried against him silently. He was trying so hard not to break down completely like Zack could sense he wanted to, and Zack was proud of him for that, but also slightly disturbed by it as well. If he wanted to cry, he should just cry. If he wanted to wail in anguish, he should just wail in anguish.

Cloud was much like Zack whether they both realized this or not.

Zack clutched onto him until he felt Cloud's body relax against him after about fifteen minutes of holding him. The relaxing was followed by the soft escape of a moan from his burning chest as his emotions finally subsided into what Zack thought was sleep.

"Hey," Zack whispered to him, shaking him slightly, "you awake?"

Cloud responded with faint breathing into his chest, but nothing more.

Zack slid his arms even tighter around him. Assured he was asleep, he lowered his head once more, pressing his lips against the boy's hair. An intake of his scent once more, and Zack kissed him tenderly on the top of his head.

"Get some rest, kid," he whispered.

A slight stir. "I can't," was what was whispered back.

Zack gasped, lifting his head from atop Cloud's, his heart slamming against his chest. "I-I thought you were asleep, sorry." He was mortified at the now pressing thought of Cloud having been awake to feel the kiss that he laid upon his head.

"No, I was awake," Cloud whispered, and Zack could feel his hands sliding up his chest between them and gripping his shirt where his heart still sat pounding fearfully.

Cloud finally lifted his head to look at Zack. He could see Zack's sad eyes in the moonlight from the window in the kitchen. Light blue eyes scanned the troubled face above him quietly, observing the glistening trails of pain that were left against his skin.

"You lost someone too?" he finally asked.

Zack just nodded slowly, his eyes never leaving Cloud's. "Yeah. I did."

Cloud shifted upwards, sliding onto Zack's lap. His touch against his chest never left as he moved in close.

Blue eyes stared at each other in a thick silence. One pair of eyes closed as a hand reached up and brushed the tear that rolled down a face, undetected by its owner. Zack pressed his face into Cloud's hand, allowing one more tear to escape, almost inviting Cloud to touch him so softly, so warmly again.

And he did, brushing his thumb up against the tear, wiping it away.

"I thought SOLDIERs weren't supposed to cry," the blond whispered, his angelic face reflecting the moonlight from the side, causing his blond hair to illuminate white and glow with a soft sheen of purity.

_I thought angels weren't supposed to cry either,_ he thought in reply, their eyes flickering back and forth on each other.

Zack reached up with a hand to the back of Cloud's head, running his fingers through his hair. He pulled his head close, resting their foreheads against each other as his breath quickened in his chest.

Cloud let him do this, his lids fluttering closed as their skin connected.

"It's okay, only if we cry together, Cloud." He nodded, reassuring himself and the boy. "There's nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be afraid of right now, here with me."

Cloud nodded back, their noses rubbing against each other.

Zack's hand slid around to Cloud's face, and was soon joined by his other hand on the opposite side, cupping that angelic face in his. Cloud was suddenly shaking now; Zack could feel it against his body. He could hear the breath in the boy's chest catch in his throat as it tried to escape. His lips began to tremble as if he were shivering from an unbelievable cold that racked his body.

Blood began to pound in their ears. Breathing ceased, all time stopped.

Those trembling lips were seized still as Zack lifted his head and delicately touched a parted mouth against them.

"Z-Zack..." Cloud whispered, and as he spoke his lips brushed up against Zack's, sending a quake down the spine of the SOLDIER.

The silent moonlight from above seemed to blur out reality, seemed to wash away the color of existence around them and Cloud sat before him in a definitive display of black and white. Not even the color of the flushed cheeks that Zack caressed so gingerly, so affectionately could escape the moonlight's grasp.

But color began to flood back into Zack's world as Cloud opened his eyes, revealing a vibrant array of confusion, yet stability in them as he looked back. His face was riddled with uncertainty and fear; of reliance and innocence, and Zack couldn't help but smile at that face that held the look of pure humanity on it.

He leaned forward, and kissed Cloud again.

A startled yet brief resistance was met as his lips moved against Cloud's, but soon found that they melded together in a dance of emotion and need. Their breath caressed each other's skin as they were erratically released from noses that brushed against each other; their kiss began to deepen.

Shaking hands slipped down the young boy's face, following the curvature of his moistened neck as they stopped upon pitching shoulders. They began to wrap around him, pulling him into his body as close as he possibly could. Cloud shifted in the man's lap, his legs sliding to either side of his body as their heads twisted slowly with their kiss. A sound of surprise came from the boy as Zack's tongue flickered against his parted lips, and it caused him to stiffen in stunned apprehension, until a rubbing of his back coaxed him to relax.

Zack could feel the ridge in Cloud's lip from where the stitches had been as he licked his tongue against it. It was a feeling that tugged at his heart. Those lips he loved so much were blemished, no longer smooth and flawless. They were stamped with the constant reminder of Cloud's horrid encounter with Mejia. He hoped that it would eventually heal properly.

Cloud arched slightly as Zack continued to rub his back. He opened his mouth slightly, to allow Zack to enter with his tongue, and Zack took the invitation and pushed the muscle into Cloud's warm mouth with a sense of gentle probing.

The feeling of Zack's tongue in his mouth shocked him, even scared him. It was a strange feeling, one that he had never experienced before in his life, and this Zack could tell as Cloud was awkward and stiff, but nonetheless he was sweet. Cloud did his best to match Zack's movements, learning from him with each lap of the tongue, or each momentary suckle of a lip. His brain began to process and soak in all of the flooding information into him at that moment, breathing in each of Zack's breaths as they shared this sensual moment between them.

Cloud could feel himself begin to move as Zack raised up on the couch and slowly lowered Cloud onto his back, never breaking contact between their lips. The combination of the shock of the cold leather against his back, and the hot, moist feeling of Zack's tongue in his mouth caused him to release a wisp of a moan he had been bottling up inside. All of the doubt and anxiety Zack had for what seemed like months disappeared, and he decided in a mere instance that these actions were okay; that this single expression of instinct would convey to Cloud what he had spent countless days musing over. It was all gone in that kiss.

His hands began to trail down Cloud's tense body. Down his slight but defined chest, down his rising stomach as he breathed. His hands stopped at his uniform blouse, breaking the deep kiss they shared to move down onto his neck. His mouth caressed the clammy skin and he could feel Cloud's frantic pulse against his lips. He kissed the beating vein, sending a gasp through Cloud's throat, followed by a slightly louder moan this time.

"Z-Zack..." he said, his head lolling to the side in a dazed and drunken reaction, permitting a wider access to the flesh that Zack was so enamored with on his neck.

The SOLDIER ignored him, trailing kisses down to the crook of his neck where he nursed that area between his shoulder, enjoying the feeling of Cloud's body pressed against his face as he kissed him. Hands began to slide up the shirt they were resting beneath and Zack smiled slightly as Cloud bucked his waist up from the shock of the cold air around them mixing with the intruding body heat of the SOLDIER.

But the thoughts that Cloud had been trying to repress snapped through his brain as one of Zack's hands began to move downward towards the painful erection between his legs. "Zack..." he said again, this time his voice holding a pleading tone, but was soon quieted as Zack nipped at his neck with his teeth. The sharp feel of his bite was soon soothed with a lap of his warm tongue and Cloud arched beneath him, whimpering inaudibly.

A hand was trailed down his stomach and passed along one of his thighs tenderly.

An audible whimper now escaped Cloud's throat, a violent flash of memory scraping across his brain. His breathing quickened, his eyes clamped closed, his mind beginning to shut down. He panicked.

"D-don't...please..."

Zack lifted his head quickly, his eyes wide with sudden fear."Oh shit." His hands quickly retracted from hovering above Cloud's arousal and replaced themselves against his now cold face.

"S-stop!" Cloud tossed his head to the side, breaking Zack's grip.

"Cloud!" Zack tried holding onto his face as he began to thrash beneath him. "Cloud, it's me!" he pleaded to the boy, who just flailed in sheer terror against his touch. "Cloud, please, it's just me!"

"N-no! Get the fuck off me!" His eyes were lost in a wave of horror.

"Hey!" Zack sat up as Cloud began to rise, his hands swinging out as if he were trying to fend off an attacker. He caught one of his hands in mid-swing and forced it down to his side. "It's me, Zack!"

Cloud sucked in a sharp gasp through his nose as he blinked. "Zack?" His face was littered with beads of sweat that clung to his skin, unmoving as if claiming his emotions for their own.

Zack was at a loss for words as he watched his friend glance around fearfully between them.

"I-I'm so sorry," Cloud finally said, as a memory of what had occurred between them not moments before came flooding back into his jumbled senses. He looked humiliated with himself.

"What did I tell you, Cloud?"

"What?" he replied breathlessly, through an attempt to still the trembling in his body and the heaving in his shoulders.

"You don't apologize to me, ever." He reached out to him, at this point not caring if he were to fight back in confusion, and pulled him against his chest.

Cloud fell into him, a sudden feeling of exhaustion washing over him. "I...didn't mean to ruin this..." he muttered, his voice muffled.

Zack shook his head mindlessly, a slight tremor to his voice. "No, it wasn't ruined, not at all." And he really meant those words. "I should have been more considerate." He meant those, too.

Cloud shook his head against his chest. "Maybe...we can try this again soon, Zack." He looked up at him with a slight tilt of his head as if he didn't want to lose contact with the SOLDIER's body. "I-if you want..."

"I think I want to." He let out a small laugh. "I really do. But only if you're comfortable, Cloud," he whispered down to him, brushing a hand across his cheekbone. "I won't hurt you like that again."

"No, you didn't hurt me, Zack." His face buried back into his chest again, his arms sliding around to Zack's sides in a tender embrace. "You could never hurt me."

"That's right. I won't," he reassured, pressing a small kiss down on top of his head once more, now content that Cloud was awake. His heart still slammed into his chest, however, this time around.

They fell silent against each other, with only the sound of Cloud readjusting his position in the SOLDIER's arms playing across them.

"I don't feel right, Zack," Cloud blurted out finally.

Zack couldn't help but smile at this; his mind trailed back to the night where he agreed with the boy about something when he wasn't even too sure what it was. "I don't either, but it feels good, Cloud. Doesn't it?"

After a moment, Cloud nodded slowly against him, and Zack could feel Cloud smile into his chest too.

They fell asleep like that together on the couch, in each other's arms throughout the night. When Zack woke in the morning, Cloud had already left.

Zack's uniform shirt was soaked with tears.

* * *

... To be continued in Chapter Nine: Somewhere Like Here.

Ending Author's Note: Keeee...a bit steamy, yeah? XD I know, I know..."What is Zack's loss??" is probably what you're thinking. It will be explained a bit in the next few chapters, but basically it's referring to some happenings in Before Crisis. I wasn't planning on elaborating into it too much as it really has nothing much to do with the plot of this story itself, but does play into the development of this steamy chapter, obviously.

EDIT 03-13-10: The amazing Djali created a beautiful piece of fan-art for this chapter today!! Please go here (remove the spaces first) to view, fave and comment!:

http: // kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Color-of-Existence-157140532

So much love and thanks to her!! *snuggles Djali* Thank you, my friend!!

Once again the _lovely_ Nekotsuki ripped apart...er...I mean beta'd this chapter for me! I luvs her so much!!! And I luvs all of you guys so much too! Thank you for all the reviews I've been receiving for this story! I'm so elated! :3 Four shy from 100! You all make me one happy Zigs, I hope you know that!

HAH! A useless piece of Malady trivia for you to grin about: I got Elici's name from the word "d**elici**ous" while eating a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies. It was a word on the packaging used to describe the crispy, ooey goodness. *grin* Just thought you should know. So! With that said, look forward to the next chapter of Malady on Tuesday, October 6th! Maybe more strange trivia will follow that chapter as well. lol! You know every fic must have some.


	9. Chapter Nine: Somewhere Like Here

Chapter Nine: Somewhere Like Here

* * *

One shot.

He flinched.

Two shots.

He flinched again.

Three-Volley shot.

A tear escaped down his face.

Mick Elici's grave was dug into the damp earth. An issued SOLDIER broadsword was sheathed into the mound of dirt, resting above his body. Its polished surface reflected the faces of those who remembered him; those who loved him. He could hear the sobbing of a small child, and the weakened attempts from a mother and wife to quiet him. A soft rustling of the people around him sounded through the brief speaking of Director Lazard. His mind blocked out any word that was spoken.

He blinked slowly, and when his eyes opened again, the sun was beginning to set, and everyone else was already gone. He stood staring down at the fresh mound below him, his silent tears unable to flow once more. He swallowed a burning lump in his throat; he swallowed the anger that welled up inside.

Beside that grave lay a memorial for Evans, whose body they were never able to recover.

A hand on his shoulder startled him, but the muscles in his body failed to react. Zack's voice reached his ringing ears. "Hey," was all he said. Cloud turned, his eyes tracing along the ground.

"Your friends are waiting."

Cloud looked up to Graves and Ratcliff who stood back, waiting by the sA-37 parked in the field of the plains near the Chocobo farm. That had been Elici's favorite place to take his son.

"Zack?" Cloud said, his voice quiet, solemn.

He hummed a questioning reply, his hand giving the boy a tight squeeze, resisting the urge to pull him close in front of the other two men.

"Where...are your friends?" He looked up, the remnants of sorrow brimming in his reddened eyes.

This caught Zack off guard and the hand on Cloud's shoulder slipped off. The memory of his friends dying in his arms, shrouded in snow, forced its way into his mind.

_Essai...Sebastian... _Blue mako eyes shut in the breeze that passed by.

"They're somewhere...like here..." was his vague reply. The truth was he hadn't decided where to bury them yet. He and Tseng were going to decide together, and soon, after the autopsies. Family for the two men were long since gone, having passed either from sickness or from the war in Wutai, so the task was left for the closest person the two had to family. The thought dug into Zack's heart, until he forced the memory from his mission at the Icicle Inn away to show strength for his young friend. "C'mon, let's get back to Midgar." He forced a smile at Cloud, who forced one back.

* * *

The four hour ride back to the city was long, and mostly silent, at least for the occupants in the back. Cloud opted to sit in the bed of the truck, fearing that the closed cabin would make him claustrophobic in his muddled state, so Graves decided to keep him company back there. And Graves liked to smoke, so he wasn't bothering Ratcliff with his cigarette habit.

Zack sat with Ratcliff in the cabin, wishing that he was back with Cloud, but after the previous night they shared together, he thought it best to keep a little distance as Cloud seemed distracted and confused over the event. As was Zack, of course.

Ratcliff noticed Zack glancing back to Cloud in the rear view mirror, who was slumped up against the back of the cabin, his head resting against the glass, as if he were leaning against Zack, who sat on the other side.

"Poor kid," he said, frowning. "He's been through a lot lately, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"They never did find Mejia, yeah."

"Yeah..."

"We'll get him though, yeah?"

"...Yeah..."

Ratcliff chuckled, realizing that was a lot of 'yeah's being said during that short banter. Zack must have realized this too as he suddenly laughed. He could see Cloud lift his head during his laughter and look at him with a look of curiosity. Zack's eyes flicked away from the mirror. He looked rather cute peering at him through the window like a puppy being left out in the rain.

Zack smiled during this thought, and Ratcliff noticed the aura about the SOLDIER changing with a simple glance at the young Cloud.

"Somethin' about that boy, yeah?"

Zack looked to Ratcliff, the smile fading. "What?"

"He's a bit intoxicating, isn't he?"

Zack turned his head to peer out the window of the passenger seat. "I dunno," he mumbled with a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders that confirmed Ratcliff's ever growing suspicions.

"Cloud told me he didn't feel right, yeah."

Zack's heart jumped in his chest, but outwardly he remained stoic, uninterested. "Well, he's getting over that head injury, and now this with Elici..."

"I don't think you feel right, either, yeah?" He glanced over to Zack with his blue eyes. Eyes much like Cloud's, more than just the color anyhow. They reflected a jumbled past of self doubt, confusion and anxiety.

Zack frowned, turning away from the same eyes Cloud had the night before, the ones that flooded his soul with light and color.

"Well, if you ever want someone who has experience in 'not feeling right', come talk to me, yeah? I've been through it all."

Zack would have liked to have said 'I don't know what you're talking about', or 'You have it all wrong', or even 'I'm not like you', but he just found himself simply nodding, as if admitting every bit of rightful suspicions this man had for his relationship with Cloud.

Ratcliff just decided to ask him outright, formalities be damned. "Ever been with another man?"

And if it weren't for the fact that there were two other people behind him within strained earshot over the howling of the wind and the engine, he would have shrieked his reply. Instead, he opted for a very animated facial expression. "What!?" Maybe slightly more shrieked-sounding that he would have hoped. "Look, I don't know what type of relationship you think we have but-"

"I saw the love bite on his neck. Cloud has very sensitive skin, you know, yeah?"

Zack shut his mouth, turning his attention away from Ratcliff, and started focusing it on counting the dust particles on the dashboard in front of him.

"I've never seen him with anyone but you, and us. And I know for sure it wasn't any of us who gave him that mark. He is rather secretive, but I can still read him like a book, yeah? Even though he was sad over Elici's death, this morning there seemed to be a light in him that's been missing for a while now, yeah." Ratcliff nodded at his little speech, giving it his own approval as it fell upon Zack's ears.

Zack shifted uncomfortably in his seat, but then realized that if he were to talk to anyone about this, it would be Ratcliff. He began to open his mouth, when he heard Graves behind in the bed of the truck beginning to laugh rudely. Zack turned to watch as Cloud flopped himself over the side of the truck and vomited.

"Oh dear," Ratcliff said, watching the sight from the rear view mirror. "I forgot he gets sick on car rides."

"And helicopters." Zack paused for a moment. "And...elevators." He cringed, his mind going back to several nights before where Cloud had gotten sick against his chest.

Ratcliff chuckled, watching as Graves had one hand on the cigarette in his mouth, and the other hand on Cloud's back rubbing him as tenderly as someone like Graves could. He wasn't much of a touchy-feely type of person, nor was he the type to be able to console someone properly. But he managed in his own gruff way.

Zack took this moment of distraction to blurt out what was eating away on his mind. "No, in answer to your question, earlier..."

"Ah. But you've been with a woman, yeah?"

His mind trailed back to a girl he dated for one month that ended rather awkwardly. She worked at the front lobby of the building, the one that Graves was particularly fond of. Fond of her ass, that is. At first, she had paid scant attention to Zack when he would saunter up to her, but then after he moved up a couple of ranks, she started to take notice of him. After a while they had begun to become intimate, but it ended after a night of love making when she started to cry out personal information about him during sex. He had always heard her muttering things about him, like his height, weight and hometown, but just assumed she had been apart of a newly formed fan club of his that he'd heard about. He didn't really mind it at first as it was sort of cute, but that night when she orgasmed while screaming out his shoe size, he didn't call her back. And the horrifying part of it was, was Kunsel lived directly below him and had heard the entire thing. The next day Kunsel invited him out to go shoe shopping. He didn't speak to the bastard for three days afterwards.

There was one after her, but that only lasted for two weeks. He didn't get very far with her; only a bit of messing around as he started to be detached with everything that was happening with Angeal disappearing.

But then there was the girl from the slums. Pretty little thing; sweet as an angel. And how he treated her like one. They were together for three months before she began to become frustrated over not being able to see him as often as she would have liked. They were intimate as well, but eventually they came to a mutual agreement to part ways as a couple because of the strain of his job. It was hard at first, and he admittedly met up with her a few times after they parted to have a fun night or two, but that had stopped when his infatuation with Cloud smacked him upside the head, and he realized he was falling for him.

"Yeah. A few," he finally said.

"Well, it's essentially the same. Just...in another spot. You've done that with the ladies, yeah?"

Zack shook his head a bit violently, suddenly becoming rather uncomfortable in the conversation. "Never mind, this was a bad idea."

"What was? Talking to me?"

He didn't reply.

"He's really crawled under your skin, hasn't he?"

Zack's eyes went up to the reflection of Cloud heaving over the side of the truck. It was a pathetic sight, but it made him smile widely. "You could say that."

* * *

They made it back to Midgar a little before eleven; way past the time they were supposed to report back in for lights out. Of course, most of the men from the unit were gone, arriving from the burial around the same time, so it was excused for this night.

Ratcliff had managed to get Zack to indulge him a little in what had happened between him and Cloud, but didn't get much more out of Zack than a few vague details. He was a tough nut to crack, but Ratcliff just took that as a sign of apprehension and confusion, and not as being pompous. He ended up telling Zack a few stories of his own, toned down of course, as he had some wild ones despite his outward shyness.

And there was one piece of advice he said to Zack.

"It's the shy ones you need to watch out for. They can be deceiving. And, frankly, wild in bed."

Zack couldn't picture Cloud being anything but a silent and timid lover, but the flooding memory of the two moans he had let escape during their sensual encounter replayed in his mind a few hundred times before he had to roll down the window of the truck and let the cold wind take over his hearing. And take control of his arousal, of course, as that threatened to become painfully obvious during the onslaught of Cloud's voice in his head. But then the sound of Cloud moaning in the bed of the truck due to motion sickness didn't help much in his attempt to forget the sultry sounds. A moan was a moan, after all.

After a few lessons Ratcliff spouted off to him about making love to a man, and after a few uncomfortable shifts in his seat from Zack during these conversations, they eventually just laughed it off and resumed talking about not much of anything. But Ratcliff could tell that Zack seemed a bit more at ease after these conversations, like he had somehow answered some of the floating questions in his mind about what to do with a man. Little did Ratcliff know that Zack was memorizing each disturbingly helpful piece of information that was told to him about making love with a man. Eventually Ratcliff picked up on this after Zack's perturbed silence turned into slow nods of the head, to full on staring with interest while he spoke. He then offered up another piece of advice to Zack.

"Cloud is allergic to latex, just so you know, yeah. He'll break out into a nasty rash that'll last for days. Happened once after our basic medical training course. Poor guy was scratching like a mutt with fleas!"

This was duly noted.

The sA-37 finally pulled into a stop in the underground garage of the Shin-Ra building. A few other cars were doing the same, all of whom had joined the solemn burial of Elici's. The men exiting the vehicles wore the same placid looks as they had at the funeral.

Graves was dragging a rather invalid Cloud through the bed of the truck begrudgingly. "I dunno how ya put up with this shit, Zack! This kid is such a pain in the ass."

"Here, give him to me." Zack reached out and cupped his hands underneath Cloud's arms as he slid him off of the bed of the truck as if picking up a small child. He slumped over lifelessly into Zack as he set him down on the ground, steadying him on his wobbly legs. "You okay Cloud?" He tried to keep his voice steady and firm, and refrained from softening it too much in front of the others as he felt so inclined to do when he was around his little friend.

Ratcliff just grinned at this awkward display of hiding true intentions.

"Yeah...I'm okay," Cloud finally said, straightening his legs. "Just give me a minute."

Of course, a minute didn't last very long as Cloud bent forward and retched. The three men took two respective steps backwards as he did this, with respective chuckles, of course.

"Like I said, pain in the ass," Graves repeated, tossing his final cigarette of the night off to the side. A trail of smoke followed, slowly disappearing into the air. Graves reached into his pocket and offered Cloud the contents of his hand.

"I don't smoke..." he said.

"Oh, oops. Here." The hand returned, and then emerged holding a pack of gum. "Yer mouth prolly tastes like crap right now from all that puke."

Cloud took it with a slight face, but jammed several pieces into his mouth.

"Well fellas, I'm gonna head off now," Zack said, and Cloud looked up at him through watery eyes with a look of disappointment. It was a very endearing look, even if the tears weren't for him leaving, but from vomiting for the past four hours. "I have an appointment in the morning."

"Really? Everythin' all right?" Well, maybe it wasn't Graves' last cigarette as he promptly lit up a new one.

Zack nodded a few times, frowning in thought. "Yeah, I just need a little pick-me-up. I lost a bit of blood recently and haven't been feelin' in top shape since."

"Ah, Mako injection, yeah?" Ratcliff was the one digging around in his pocket now to pull out a cloth for Cloud to wipe his eyes with and he just shook his head declining, opting for the back of his hand instead.

"Hey, you guys got liberty Saturday?"

The three nodded silently, waiting for Zack to continue.

He stood for a moment, letting a small smile crawl across his face. "How 'bout we head out for a night on the town? My treat."

"Really?" was the collective question from the three.

"Yeah! We can hit up a restaurant, maybe a few bars..." His voice trailed off as Graves pointed to Cloud, and Ratcliff pointed to Zack himself.

"Too young," they both chimed in unison.

"Hey, I can get in. Kunsel and I do it all the time. They don't dare ask me for my I.D. They won't bug Cloud either, especially when I'm there. I'm a payin' customer, after all!"

"Well, it's up to Cloud here, bein' the innocent one and all." Graves flicked his thumb on the back of the cigarette, knocking a line of ashes off. "If he's man enough, of course."

"What're you talking about?" Cloud said, his voice sharp, almost defensive. "Elici snuck me in tons of times."

"...What?" was the shocked, collective question from the three.

"'By-The-Book-Elici'!?" Graves spun around on his heels, letting out a rowdy laugh. "Yer shittin' me, Blondie!"

"Apparently you guys forgot that he's from Sector 7. His father-in-law and wife run that brand new bar there. The 7th Heaven."

Graves swatted a hand at Cloud, losing interest. "Bah, and here I thought ya snuck in all ninja like. His wife just rolls out the goddamned red carpet and lets yer ass in through the front door with a goddamned smile."

"And she poured us many drinks with that goddamned smile," Cloud said and Graves recoiled, surprised by Cloud's sudden defensiveness. He could hardly imagine the boy in a bar let alone slamming down drinks with a seasoned pro like Elici had been. He was a formidable opponent, even against Graves in the game of drink, so for Cloud to be joining in with him made the man wonder just how innocent this boy really could be.

"Waitaminute. You little liar you!" Graves bounced up and down on his feet, pointing a finger at Cloud. "Ya told us last week that yer innocent ass had never drank before!"

Ratcliff snorted a laugh. "He said he went to a bar, he never said he got shit-faced, yeah! For all you know, he could have been drinking lemonade, yeah?"

Cloud looked like a little guilty child who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Well..."

"Feh! I knew it." Graves spat on the ground. "Elici'd never let ya drink. Ya prolly just sat and watched, sippin' on yer little fruity lemonade!"

Zack just stood there through all of the bantering between the three. He watched as Cloud seemed to really enjoy the company of these men. He observed the masked smile he had on his face, and the pain in his eyes each time Elici's name was mentioned. But he held himself together, despite the pain, for the sake of his friends. Zack was proud of him at that moment for the strength he was showing.

He thought of his two friends he had just lost up at the Icicle Inn, and remembered the dazed thrashing he'd done throughout his apartment, tearing through it in a rare fit of uncontrolled emotion. He thought of the tears he had spilled in anguish over their bodies as he held them when they died. He hoped that he could be as strong as Cloud was at this moment, when it came time to bury Essai and Sebastian.

"Well, I'm just gonna sneak off here while you guys argue..." Zack said, taking a few steps backwards, realizing his voice fell on deaf ears. He smiled at them, giving them a quick wave that went unnoticed, and walked off.

Graves and Ratcliff continued to bicker, not seeing as Zack walked off, or when Cloud followed.

* * *

"Zack!" Cloud's voice echoed as Zack rounded a corner through the empty lobby of the building. He stopped at the base of the carpeted stairs, turning to face the young one who ran up to him with a restrained sense of urgency.

"You should head back to the barracks, Cloud. It's late," he said sympathetically as his young friend looked rather haggard. His vibrant eyes trailed the boy who stopped short a few feet away, looking up at him from below.

"Did you really mean it?"

"What?" he chuckled, tilting his head to the side.

"Taking us all out."

A few blinks of his eyes and Zack just nodded, a bit confused as to what Cloud looked so disheveled over. "Well yeah, of course. I wouldn't say something unless I meant it. If you haven't noticed I'm a bit honest to a fault, buddy. Unlike you, you little liar."

"I wasn't lying..." He frowned, looking away at a potted plant near the lobby desk. "I've been there a few times."

"Drinking lemonade?"

A hand swiped across the back of his neck. "And sometimes tea..."

Zack shook his head, folding his arms across his chest at the blond.

"...And Car Bombs." He looked back up to Zack slowly, a surprisingly devilish grin forming across his face.

Zack's arms slipped from each other and flopped down to his sides. His eyes went wide with disbelief at what the blond had admitted, and also for the look he wore. Zack took a few steps down, approaching him. "No...way."

Cloud looked away, still holding that smirk across his face. He was nibbling on the gum he had in his mouth and Zack could hear it snapping between his teeth as his grin broke out into a smile, his lips parting slightly.

"You're lying again!"

Cloud let out a soft laugh, covering his mouth with a gloved hand, turning away from him as Zack realized he had been played for a fool by this young boy.

"You little runt!" Zack practically pounced on him, sliding the crook of his elbow around Cloud's neck and pushing him forward to face the floor. "I'll get you for that one, Strife!" He proceeded to grind his knuckles into Cloud's scalp with his other hand as the boy fidgeted in his arms, laughing heartily.

"Sorry, but that was too easy!" Cloud's arm was waving about, blindly feeling around for Zack's body. He eventually found his arm and began to tap it, in defeat.

"No way, bud. You gotta find your way out of this one. I'm not letting go that easily." Zack affirmed this statement by squeezing his neck a bit tighter. A few coughs escaped Cloud, mingling with his laughing as he continued to tap. "Nuh-uh. Don't think so."

"But my head injury!" he whined, feigning ailment.

Zack laughed, looking down at him, although Cloud couldn't see this as he had a lovely view of their boots. "Don't give me that. You're better now. Gotta try a different way."

"Aw c'mon Zack!" he pleaded lightheartedly.

"Nuh-uh!"

Cloud suddenly used his body weight to drop to the ground, almost lifelessly. Zack was caught by surprise in this quick instance and he went tumbling to the ground with him. Cloud landed on all fours, laughing breathlessly as the cool rush of air finally returned to his lungs that were being playfully deprived of oxygen from the SOLDIER. He hadn't noticed that Zack had fallen over him, his hands on either side of the boy, his groin pressed up against Cloud's rear in an all too suggestive position.

Zack sprung up quickly on his knees, pulling his hands back from either side of the boy's shoulders.

"I knew that'd get you!" Cloud glanced over his shoulder to see Zack on his knees behind him, with the hands that were on either side of him now placed absentmindedly on his hips. They apparently didn't get as far as he had hoped in his first attempt. "Zack?"

Zack glanced down as Cloud was observing him and the odd pose they both held themselves in. He took a long hard look at where his hands where, and where his groin was still pressed up against and fitting rather nicely, almost like a puzzle coming together. He let out a surprised noise, retreating his palms from the sides of Cloud's warm hips and jumped to his feet in one swift SOLDIER blur.

"N-nice move!" He blurted out, trying to pass the oddity of their predicament off as merely nothing. "Needs a bit of work though."

Cloud stood, dusting off his uniform trousers casually, even though he was more than aware of the amusing and slightly thrilling pose they had landed in. "Whatever works," he simply replied.

Zack chuckled a response, rubbing his thumb across his brow. Their amused laughter slowly died down.

They both fell silent together, shifting awkwardly on their feet. The sounds of their dissipating breaths echoed between them, carrying to each other an aura of wanting to say something, wanting to act on something. They knew they were about to part, but didn't quite know how to do that after their situation the night before.

Cloud was finally the one to speak, his voice now void of the personality he showed not moments before. "Well, I guess I should head back to the barracks. I didn't mean to keep you waiting."

Zack didn't know what to do and it showed on his perturbed face then. His mind was being attacked with thoughts at that moment, with screaming of suggestions, none of which he could bring himself to do or say. He wanted to embrace him in a departing hug, wanted to kiss him tenderly on the lips, hell, even the top of his head, anywhere. Hand, shoulder, nose, he would take what he could get and be damned the awkwardness of whatever body part he ended up choosing in the end, only if it meant to connect with him once again.

And Cloud was feeling the same way silently, but his face reflected more of an eager look than what Zack had been wearing. If he were to initiate the contact, would he even know what to do? He could read Zack's emotions through his laden eyes that he yearned for another encounter like the night before. Cloud's heart began to pound in his chest, unsure of the actions that threatened to flow from him at that moment as Zack looked so ardent about the decisions scrambling inside his head.

They spoke each other's name in unison, and then released amused chuckles at this.

"You go first," Zack said.

Cloud pursed his lips together, his tongue tickling the roof of his mouth in quiet anticipation, as if urging him to speak the words that he desperately wanted to say. These words, however, fell from his mouth in a jumbled mess of unintelligible mumbles.

Zack let out a breathy laugh. "What was that supposed to be, Spikey?"

"I...uh...w-wanted to..." He trailed off, letting a small squeak of frustration out at his inability to speak his mind. He was afraid he would be too presumptuous to ask for a kiss after his reaction the previous night when Zack was touching him.

He wasn't even sure what the previous night meant to Zack anyhow.

"Cloud?" Zack said after several idle moments of Cloud just brewing there. He lowered his head to try and see beneath the hair that fell into Cloud's eyes. "What did you want to ask me?"

"N-nothing..." He shook his head shortly. "It's nothing."

"Little liar again," he teased, reaching up and putting his hand underneath Cloud's chin. "If you want something, just ask me," he whispered, closing the gap between them with a single step. "Don't be shy around me, Cloud."

Cloud allowed Zack to lift his head tenderly, the warmth of his hand resonating through him. His eyes flickered against Zack's, but then looked away. His handsome features were too sharp for the wavering emotions in him at that moment.

"C'mon, just tell me," he coaxed, his face lowering into Cloud's, his nose brushing up against his cheek. He let his lips rest against Cloud's but didn't connect them in the kiss that he could tell Cloud so longingly wanted. Almost as much as Zack wanted.

And that sweet bottom lip began to tremble in a show of nervous excitement. This urged Zack to continue his sensual teasing. He reached up with his hand, sliding it along the back of Cloud's shoulder blades, finally stopping to rest behind his upper arm. He could feel Cloud convulse momentarily at the touch and this brought forth a sultry chuckle from the SOLDIER.

"Z-Zack..." Cloud said, his head tilting back slightly to try and catch Zack's mouth with his, but Zack pulled away. He knew Zack was teasing him, trying to get him to come out of his shell and actually ask for something he wanted, rather than just suffer without it. It was working. "I-I wanted...to see, if i-it's okay with you..."

Zack's smile widened, waiting. His hands began to slide up along Cloud's neck and up into the soft spikes. His fingers danced between them, causing a few more shivers to rack Cloud's frame.

"I want to kiss you," Cloud blurted, and then suddenly pulled back as he cupped a hand over his mouth, utterly embarrassed.

Laughing was one of Zack's other favorite pastimes, besides eating, and sleeping because of eating. And he commenced his favorite pastime in front of the bumbling blond through a melody of heartwarming laughter. It filled the empty lobby with its sound and drowned out the noises of displeasure from Cloud as it did this.

"Stop laughing at me, you ass!" he said, his face drenched in a reddened fury. He kicked the ground at Zack's feet, thrusting his bottom lip out unconsciously in a rather pitiful pout.

"See? Was that so hard?"

"W-well I didn't see you asking me either..." He trailed off, his back almost completely to Zack now in shame.

Zack's laughing ceased, as this was painfully true. "Okay. It's settled then," he said after a rather quick decision over something.

Cloud turned back around with a bowed head. His eyes crept up to meet Zack's gaze.

"There will be no hesitation, either."

"What?" Cloud's head slightly lifted now, interest piqued.

"No apologies, no hesitation between us. Ever."

Cloud liked the sound of 'us', but he kept that glee to himself. "Okay..."

"Can we try this again?" he so innocently asked and Cloud nodded. "You go first," Zack said, once more.

Cloud looked a bit mortified as he was chosen to initiate once more. His mouth twitched to the side in nothing other than hesitation, but Zack let that one slide for now. Cloud repeated himself again in a sheepish whisper.

"Can't hear you," Zack said so nonchalantly.

It was repeated once more, in no higher of a decibel than the previous attempt.

"Can't hear you!" he said in a sing-song voice now, as his arms folded against his chest.

Cloud lowered his head again, his eyebrows arching in a frustrated expression. He no longer repeated himself.

Zack smiled at him understandingly. "Okay, well we'll work on that." He took a step forward again, his arms sliding from off his chest. "How about I give it a try?"

Cloud nodded seriously.

"Cloud, can I kiss you?"

* * *

...To be continued in Chapter Ten: Between His Teeth.

Ending Author's Note: Left it on not so much of a cliffhanger, as it was a tease. A little explanation about one of Zack's previous lovers. For those who haven't played Crisis Core, there is this strange lady at the main desk of the Shin-Ra building lobby, who at first thinks lowly of Zack because he's of a lower rank in SOLDIER. But as you play the game, she begins to become obsessed with him and starts muttering a lot of personal information about him. Like his hometown and silly stuff like that. So I thought it amusing when picturing him with her in bed and she's screaming out personal things about him. So that's who that little part was about, for those who aren't in-the-know.

Also, the beginning starts out in a military tradition called a "3-Volley Shot". Dunno if it's just an American military tradition only, but basically guns are fired into the air to salute the fallen at the burial. There are other versions similar to this, however, and it varies depending on the branch of service, etc. I believe. Don't quote me on that, as I'm not 100% sure. My ex knew all about that stuff, not me. *laugh* So I just went with the 3-Volley Shot, which is one of the basics. Since the games never touch on how they bury their SOLDIERs, I thought I could get away with this. *grin*

And once again, my beta'ing buddy Nekotsuki has lovingly teared this apart for your reading pleasure. XD Loves yas, Nekos! Special thanks to all the readers and reviewers as well. Reading all these reviews makes me very happy! I love getting them, so keep 'em coming!

-Ziggy


	10. Chapter Ten: Between His Teeth

Chapter Ten: Between His Teeth

* * *

Cloud nodded once more silently, but his eyes lifted and trailed along the second level of the lobby. "There's someone coming."

Zack glanced back, viewing an infantry grunt on patrol of the first few floors of the building. "So?"

"I....don't think it would be a good idea to make it public..." Cloud rubbed the back of his neck, trying to stiffen himself up once the grunt saw them standing there. He gave a nod from above to the two below, and resumed his rounds.

Zack was more of a carefree person than Cloud, who was bundled up in self doubt and insecurity. Zack, on the other hand, was more of an impulsive and spontaneous individual who could care less what the outcome of his actions would entail; at least, a lighthearted action that he was confident in, and that he knew would cause no harm to whomever or whatever was around him.

But he hadn't really thought of the consequences of pursuing a public relationship with a member of the company -- let alone it being a man -- as the crazy woman from the lobby was more of a secret fling. He was fairly sure that being in an open relationship with Cloud would cause some sort of uproar, as even now his friendship with him was considered borderline favoritism. He was allowed to have friends off-duty as Shin-Ra couldn't stop him in that, but when it came down to ethics it was frowned upon when the friends were within the company, and being of a lower rank.

And it wasn't like everyone in the company wasn't fooling around with one another anyhow. That was something that couldn't be avoided when the company had thousands of women-deprived men sleeping in tight proximity with each other and only a handful of women running around in the offices in comparison. It was inevitable and, frankly, rather apparent. A simple stroll down a quiet hallway in one of the office floors in the evenings would tell all. The sounds of muffled and restrained cries came from every broom closet, every copy machine room and every supply closet in the damn building. Men with women; men with men; women with women; it didn't matter. It was unavoidable, and unmistakable. Affairs; flings; one-night stands; Shin-Ra was crawling with them.

So why would a real relationship be such a cause for a company-wide catastrophe?

Zack hadn't realized that Cloud was peering up at him with a look of concern. Zack had gone into one of his very rare modes of musing that he tried desperately to deter himself from. Musing was for old people, in his mind - Cloud, of course, being the only exception. It was endearing when he did it, though.

"Zack?"

"I have an idea!" he said, reaching down and clutching Cloud's wrist in his hand. He took off running, dragging him along with Cloud's surprised cry of resistance. Zack just squeezed his wrist harder as he made his way up the stairs and to a door on the second floor of the lobby. His eyes caught the grunt entering one of the elevators as he passed by. "In here!" Zack practically shoved Cloud into a room past an arrangement of casual lounging tables on the floor.

Cloud fell into the room stumbling, fighting for balance. "Dammit, Zack! You could have just asked me to follow you!" He straightened his posture once he finally found his footing. "If you had to piss that bad, you could have just said so," Cloud said as he finally realized that Zack had led him to the bathroom. He glanced around, taking note of the lack of urinals and the odd scent of...cleanliness.

"Are we in the Women's!?" he said, covering his mouth with his hands again once he realized how loud his voice was.

"Sh! And yes." Zack grinned at him deviously. "It's after office hours; there are no women here right now. No one will bother us in here."

"B-bother...?" His voice came out in an amusing squeak.

"For our kiss," Zack said, so matter-of-factly.

Cloud had nearly forgotten through the tugging and the frantic running. He suddenly shrank again, turning into that shy boy once more. "W-wouldn't it have been easier to just go back to your quarters, instead of hiding out in here?"

"Yeah, but what would be the fun in that?" He stepped towards Cloud, who instinctively took a step back. Cloud bumped into the granite counter top, his hand slipping against the surface in an attempt to steady himself as Zack neared him.

"I-I don't know...this is a little strange. What if someone walks in?"

"It's past eleven," he said lowly, having fully approached the boy who was now holding a tint to his cheeks as Zack looked at him with smoldering eyes.

Cloud's knees began to wobble at the sight of the handsome SOLDIER staring through him with those intense eyes. Eyes reflecting a sensual aura of need, love and lust.

But Zack controlled the last part of that aura as he reached up, cupping the boy's face between his confident hands and leaned forward, once again nuzzling his nose against him. "Can I kiss you, Cloud?"

"Yes." His breath was released, bated and ragged; minty from the gum he chewed. He forced his eyes to stay open -- at least half-lidded -- as he wanted to watch the SOLDIER press his lips up against him in the dimly lit room. The night before was such a blur to him, filled with bemusement and indecisiveness on his part. He felt that it had happened so fast that he didn't even get to enjoy his first kiss. This was far from the truth however, as he enjoyed the parts he managed to remember through all of the emotions, sensations and...arousal.

Zack smoothed one of his thumbs across the boy's cheekbone, allowing a soft purr to flow from his throat as he dipped his head into him.

Cloud moaned when they connected, and the sound struck through Zack's mouth and down his body. His stomach flipped, his eyebrows lifted with the noise; his kiss was brought into a height of sensuality that he had never felt before. All because of that one little noise.

Slowly, carefully, Cloud watched as Zack's tongue began to lap at his lips and he instinctively opened his mouth to allow him entrance. He could hear the breath flow from Zack's throat as he pushed his tongue in gently, once permitted.

Hot, slick, sweet. Their tongues passed over each other as heads twisted and craned with an increasing urgency. Hands began to roam. But Zack slowed the kiss then, moving his hands back up to Cloud's face, not wanting to send the boy into another bout of spiraling like he had the night before. How he wanted to prop the boy up on the counter and lean him against the mirror. How he wanted to enter him and give him a reason to moan louder...

He restrained himself, despite the now painful feeling in his trousers. He was given a distracting chance to ignore this, thankfully, as the sharp feeling of teeth nipping at his bottom lip spun his mind back to where it belonged.

Zack was stunned. Cloud was writhing against him, his hands soaring up and down his back, hungrily and aggressively biting at Zack's lip. He was beginning to release little moans of what Zack could only assume was sexual frustration as he felt Cloud beginning to grind into him.

The SOLDIER didn't know what to do _with_ him, and what to do _to_ him, at that point. The memory of Cloud's hysterical reaction to touching him the previous night played through his mind as he continued to allow Cloud to bite and then suck at his bottom lip between the passing of the tongues. As much as he was enjoying it, his brow furrowed in a look of concern. He hadn't imagined Cloud would be this feisty, at least not this soon. He was timid, reserved, a bundle of repressed nerves.

"Mmmmnn...C-Cloud..." Zack said through the assault of nips and kisses he was receiving.

And it was like his voice was a slap upside Cloud's head as he instantly froze, his hands stopping their trek across his back, his eyes opening wide to peer at Zack. He still had his bottom lip between his teeth, however.

"Yeth?"

"You enjoyin' theth?"

A blush spread across Cloud's surprised face and Zack's bottom lip was released. He buried his head in the man's neck in embarrassment.

"I-I don't know what came over me..."

Zack licked his own bottom lip, inspecting it with this tongue to make sure it was relatively in one piece. He stroked Cloud's head with his hand as he glanced to the mirror in front of him. A bit red, but nothing people would raise their eyebrows over. He'd had worse marks on him before from the crazy girl in the lobby.

"No, no," he cooed into his hair then, taking in his scent. It was still that same liberating smell. "I was a bit surprised, is all." He shifted the boy in his arms, and could feel Cloud's hard arousal pressed against him.

Cloud groaned quietly as Zack moved. He unconsciously thrust against him, his eyes fluttering closed. "I just...never thought one of my first kisses would be in a bathroom, let alone the Women's." He let out a sheepish chuckle, his head shaking against Zack, causing his hair to rustle against his chin.

Zack laughed, pulling his head away from the tickling sensation. His laugh stopped quickly, as what Cloud had just said processed into his brain, however.

"Wait." He pulled the boy away. "One of your _first _kisses?"

Cloud looked away, biting his own lip now, eyebrows wrinkled in a look of guilt.

"_I'm_...your _first_...kiss?" was Zack's astounded reply. "Last night was...your _first_?"

"Oh hell," Cloud said, cupping his hands over his face. "I feel so damn stupid."

Zack reached up, taking Cloud's hands in his own in a gentle grasp. "None of that. Don't hide from me." He pulled his hands down to view the beautifully ashamed look Cloud wore on his face.

Instead of his hands covering his face, he decided to squeeze his eyes shut to avoid looking at Zack.

"Cloud, please look at me."

Cloud's eyebrows met when Zack reached up and brushed his hand across his face.

"Look at me."

"I feel so stupid..." he repeated, craning his head off to the side.

"I will make you look at me, Cloud Strife," was the final thing he said as he took the exposed opportunity of Cloud's neck to dive in.

Cloud gasped at the hot feeling of Zack's mouth on his skin, and instantly he relaxed.

Zack was watching Cloud's reaction in the mirror as he worked on his neck with his lips, trailing down from the bottom of his jaw to his adam's apple. He passed his tongue across it and could feel it send a chain reaction down Cloud's spine in the form of a shiver. His face was more eased now, but his eyes were still closed.

So Zack lifted his head and plunged his tongue into Cloud's ear.

Cloud cried out, tossing his head back as his eyes shot open from the strange intrusion. He squirmed, arching his back at the sensation and Zack had to clutch onto him as he threatened to fall.

The blond released several labored gasps before his eyes darted back to Zack who pulled back, grinning deviously down at him.

"Thank you for looking at me," he said, through a husky chuckle as he leaned forward and nuzzled his nose up against Cloud's shocked face. "And if I ever hear you call yourself stupid again, I will make you regret it."

"O-okay..." he muttered, watching as Zack continued to cuddle against him. He was pulled into an embrace, being buried in his warmth.

"And thank you, Cloud," he whispered into his ear.

"For what?"

"For sharing your first kiss with me."

Cloud merely nodded, and Zack was unaware of his wide eyes against him, smitten over the man who spoke those words, and held him so tenderly.

Zack chuckled softly then, tightening his embrace momentarily as he spoke. "And thank you once more."

Cloud pulled back, tilting his head up with a quizzical look. "For what _this_ time?" One of his eyebrows lifted.

Zack then grinned widely, pushing forth the wad of gum that was once in Cloud's mouth between his teeth for Cloud to see. "For the gum."

* * *

They parted rather casually, once they slipped out from the bathroom nervously. No one around, but still Cloud was quite amusingly mortified when he bolted from the doorway and into the safety zone of the lounge area.

A friendly wave to each other for the cameras above, and they left, Cloud smiling softly to himself as he headed back to the barracks, and Zack grinning wildly as he headed back to his quarters, chewing that wad of gum still.

And for Cloud, he was so enamored with thoughts from moments before that he wasn't even aware he had already made it back to the dark barracks, undressed and then redressed in the issued sleep wear, crawled into his rack, all while holding a rather suspicious-looking grin across his face. And only when Ratcliff spoke from beside him did he finally realize all of this.

"There you are, yeah!" He was sitting on Elici's bed.

Cloud blinked, lifting his head from his pillow. "Oh, hey." He couldn't wipe that smile so easily off his face, and this Ratcliff noticed, along with the all-too-casual greeting he chimed out.

"Hey indeed." He flashed a grin as he lay back on the bed. "You're back a bit late, yeah?"

Cloud sat up, the blankets falling from his chest as he looked at Ratcliff who stretched out next to him. "What're you doing in his bed?"

"Thought you might want to have some company next to you tonight, yeah?" He yawned briefly into the back of his hand, and then placed it underneath his head of dark blond hair. "Might feel a bit lonely without him at first, yeah," he said rather solemnly, looking up at Graves' rack above. The man was already snoring rather loudly with limbs hanging off of each side.

Cloud's smile was gone, so easily wiped away. Ratcliff didn't seem to notice as his eyes began to close.

"Y-yeah...thanks," Cloud whispered, lowering himself back down onto his bed. He turned to his side, away from Ratcliff to face the empty bed of Evans' next to him. He tugged the blanket up and around his shoulder tightly, enclosing himself in a false sense of being held by something, anything.

Elici was really dead.

Cloud hated himself for feeling so happy earlier with Zack.

* * *

It was no rest for the weary and the traumatized unit. The two mile hump outside in the wastelands of Midgar was a bit more pleasant this time around, however, as the rain had cleared and left the men in a relative sense of peace for most. Others were still in a subdued shock of Elici's death from three days prior. That was until Kunsel began barking at them during rifle qualification, and all minds either tumbled out of that sense of peace, or reeled away from the subdued shock.

They knelt in a line of twenty-eight, aiming their assault rifles at the targets a few of the 3rds that tagged along had helped set up for them. They just chatted behind in a semi-circle with Kunsel, once he ceased his barking, and the men commenced unloading magazines into the paper targets.

The firefight roared through the air, scaring off any potential monsters that dared to lurk around, save for the one that curiosity got the better of, and it soon learned never to mess with a SOLDIER. The semi-circle was disbanded, took care of the curious monster, and then reassembled continuing their nonchalant conversation. Eventually the men realized they needed to be keeping score on all of the target practice. They spread out among the men, jotting things down and making the unit nervous under their scrutinizing gaze.

Kunsel began to walk the line of men, observing their positions, studying the placements of their hands and head while aiming. He nodded in approval as they continued to fire, some hitting their target, others hitting the rocky terrain behind. Those were the ones Kunsel barked at, of course.

He reached Graves and just shook his head, passing him up, as his mark was impeccably frightening. Up to Ratcliff, now. His aim was slightly off, but his shots were all grouped together quite nicely. Consistent, and if that had been someone's chest, there would have not much left over of it afterward. And then Cloud…

Kunsel stopped, his jaw becoming a bit slack. He glanced down at the young cadet, who'd never really had a bad score, necessarily, but neither did he have an outstanding one like Graves. But here he was, sweat rolling down his brow as his head was tilted into his right shoulder, looking through the cross-hair at the tip of the barrel, each bullet he fired hitting remarkably where it should have been - right in the center.

The look on his face was rather disturbing, however. Haunted, void, intimidating. It was as if he were imagining the target to be the face of a certain someone. Kunsel chuckled inwardly and continued down the line, reminding himself to commend the boy later, and of course inform Zack of his improvement as Zack was always so eager to hear of it.

He had spoken with Zack earlier in the morning over the phone, who was heading to his appointment to get a Mako injection. He was expecting the 1st to sound somber over the recent loss of his two friends, but his voice was surprisingly upbeat, if not slightly flooded with a hint of suspicious delight.

So Kunsel blatantly asked him if he got laid the night before, and Zack just snorted a laugh at him, responding with a quick insult as usual. He somehow evaded the question which only raised more suspicion in Kunsel, as Zack was usually one to kiss and tell.

And it helped that the walls were thin, and he usually could tell when Zack had a lady over as he seemed to be a rather impressive lover from the overly agreeable cries coming from his apartment above, when the goin' got good. Kunsel just usually laughed and turned his television on louder to drown out the amorous noises from above, but the volume button only went so high.

But the night before was silent, peaceful. Unless they were using some sort of kinky gag on each other, Kunsel was fairly certain something else was going on with his suddenly secretive and quite content friend.

Kunsel, being the nosy person he was, wanted to get to the bottom of it as soon as possible, if Zack wasn't going to tell him himself.

"All right, that's it guys! Let's head back to the barracks!" Kunsel ordered as ceasefire finally settled over the plains. "Go ahead and take the rest of the day off when you guys get cleaned up. Start your liberty early. Just be back at the barracks Saturday night at 2100."

An excitement fell over everyone, but they refrained from showing it as the 3rds were still stalking around, inspecting them. When they walked off, they all seemed to relax.

"Let's go!" Kunsel said, and everyone stood in a collective shuffle as they formed their pack. Kunsel watched as everyone marched past him, and then joined up at the back. The sooner they got back, the sooner Kunsel could grill his friend in his lighthearted-more-than-usual behavior.

* * *

"And I'm fuckin' tellin' ya that prick Mejia had somethin' to do with Elici's death!" Graves was now shouting, all of the men in the barracks staring wide-eyed as he was nose-to-nose with a very angry Ratcliff.

"Lower your goddamned voice before an officer comes in, yeah!" Ratcliff said, twisting his head slightly, his blue eyes flashing with anger.

"I fuckin' can't believe yer in denial over this!" Graves threw his hands up, nudging even closer into Ratcliff, his large shoulders rising upward as if he was about to shove him. "Look what that _fuck_ did to Cloud! Ya honestly think he wouldn't _kill_ Elici!? He was the one who told the Brass about the assault in the barracks! The fucker's got motive! Don't be so fuckin' stupid!"

Ratcliff shot a glance over to Cloud, who stood right beside them. He expected him to be shrinking and looking as if he were about to cry, but instead he stood there as if he were about to jump into the confrontation himself. Ratcliff had forgotten that the young boy told him in passing that he used to get into fights when he was younger back in his hometown, so this must have been nothing new to him. He couldn't imagine such a sweet person acting like that, however, but then again people change.

"Knock it off, you guys," Cloud said in a tone they hadn't ever heard him use before. He was absolutely seething at this point and it showed. Ratcliff could hear several people making bets on who would kick whose ass in a fight. He just ignored them.

"I ain't gonna stop 'til this fucker admits that Mejia killed Elici!"

"I don't know what to think, all right!?" Ratcliff attempted to control his ragged breathing, but it was hard. His blood was boiling in his veins at Graves. To bring this up in front of everyone, and this soon. And especially in front of Cloud.

"I swear I will kick both of your asses if you don't stop," Cloud warned, but it fell on deaf ears. Ratcliff knew Cloud could probably take him on as he was lanky like Cloud, but Graves was a different story. The man's strength and build was unreal. He was as tall as Zack, and his muscle tone was like that of Angeal Hewley's. He could probably just pick Cloud up by the scruff of his neck like a kitten and toss him aside effortlessly.

Boots squealed against the tile floor, arms were brought up, and thrusts were thrown out against the shoulders of another. And soon the two men were grappling, releasing grunts of anger and exertion. Hands scuffled through each other's defenses, grabbing onto any part of their opponent through shaking rage. Uniforms were bundled in fists, several punches were thrown haphazardly, and knees were brought up into each other's abdomen. Many curse words were spilled.

Cloud hurled himself into the fight, ducking down through the rapid movements and attempting to wedge himself between the larger men. He pressed his back up against Graves' chest from underneath his large arms while he pushed against Ratcliff in an effort to pry them apart. "Knock it off!" he yelled, voice muffled between them. He strained against the two as if he were being slowly trapped between two moving walls of fury and blind rage. He could feel them parting as several other men joined him, grabbing the men from behind and hoisting them off of each other.

"What the fuck was that all about!?" Cloud said, standing up as the two men bucked and growled at each other like fighting dogs. Cloud wiped at his face, feeling a warm liquid running down it. He reached up and touched a hand to it.

"Oh shit," Graves said through labored breaths. "Ya okay? Did we get ya?"

Cloud looked down at his hand, blinking curiously at the blood on his fingertips. "I'm fine, I don't feel anything."

"Let me take a look, yeah." Ratcliff shrugged off the men who were holding him captive and ran a hand underneath Cloud's hair that hung in his face, fearing that he tore open his healing wound from a week prior. He pushed his head side to side, leaning into him to see better.

More blood ran down his face and he had to close one of his eyes as it drizzled across.

"Where does it hurt, yeah?"

"Nowhere, Ratcliff." He tried pulling away from Ratcliff's motherly hold. "Let go of me."

"Hey jackass," Graves said.

Ratcliff twisted Cloud's head around through his boyish protests. "It's got to hurt somewhere, Cloud, yeah?"

"Jackass!" Graves said again.

Ratcliff threw his head up. "What!?"

"Yer the one bleedin', fucker." Graves nodded his head at Ratcliff who finally released Cloud's head from his hands. "I decked ya good, too. Right in the brow. Gonna leave a real nice scar."

"Go to hell, Graves," Ratcliff grumbled to himself, pressing a hand to his brow which was leaking quite a bit of blood. It was a wonder he couldn't feel it.

"I'd tell ya to suck my dick but ya'd prolly enjoy it." Graves scoffed and walked past them shaking his head, seemingly unharmed through it all. He was just forcing back the limp, however, as Ratcliff had kneed him pretty good in the thigh.

"What a monster, yeah." Ratcliff sat down on Elici's bed, putting his head in his hands.

"Love ya too, sweetie," Graves just called from across the barracks as he made his way to the showers.

Ratcliff removed one of his hands from his face and flipped the man off silently.

Cloud was at his side, holding out his washcloth. Ratcliff took it, mustering forth a rather shaky smile.

"Thanks." He waited until Cloud sat down next to him before he began cleaning Cloud's face with it, having no intention of cleaning his own first, since it was his blood on Cloud's skin.

"What the hell!" Cloud jumped up, growling at him. "For once think of yourself! You look like shit." He just wiped at the blood with his hand instead.

Ratcliff laughed, his shoulders bobbing. He folded the cloth several times and obeyed, pressing it against his brow. "Not like we haven't gone through that before, yeah."

It was true; they had gotten into a couple of scraps before, but none that were this heated. Punches were thrown, derogatory names towards sexual preferences were called, and groins were kneed. Blood was never spilled, however. Cloud had seen these before, but Elici was the one to break it up. And when the fights were between Graves and Elici, Ratcliff was the one to break it up. But there were never fights between Elici and Ratcliff, as they both were fairly passive towards each other. Graves was just the key factor in it all. Sometimes Cloud thought that he actually enjoyed picking fights with his friends, almost like asserting his position among them.

"It'll blow over, yeah," Ratcliff reassured the blond, as the face that he was expecting Cloud to wear earlier as they were fighting was now crawling onto his face, a bit late for duty.

"Do you...really think Mejia killed him?" His voice was low, sorrowful.

It was past the point of apologies for Cloud now, and Ratcliff just simply shrugged. "I don't know, Cloud. I really don't, yeah. They're still investigating. The man's been M.I.A for two days now. He could be dead too, yeah."

They fell silent for several moments.

"Go clean yourself up, Cloud. Don't worry about me, yeah." He just waved a hand dismissively at Cloud who was frowning.

But Cloud obeyed, walking into the shower area. Graves was already underneath the falling water, his hand kneading his right thigh and muttering to himself angrily.

Cloud stripped down and joined him several shower heads away, attempting to create an invisible wall, in hopes of deterring him from talking as Cloud knew Graves could never simply just talk.

"Fuckin' idiot's blind."

Cloud's little invisible wall was just that. Invisible.

"Can ya believe this shit, Cloud!?" He was shouting over the hiss of the shower heads of course, but was mostly shouting just to shout. "Mejia killed Elici, both you and I fuckin' know that."

"I don't know that," Cloud said, a bit coldly as he stuck his head under the water and rinsed away Ratcliff's blood on his face. "It's still being investigated."

"Aw fuck you Cloud, ya know that mother fucker killed him! Elici's the one who ratted Mejia out for tossin' yer ass against the rack!" He was scrubbing his head vigorously with his fingers, lathering up his fuzzy black hair. "Don't be a little bitch 'bout this."

Cloud just scoffed, choosing to ignore him until the man calmed down. He closed his eyes, enjoying the hot water flowing over him, rinsing away the tension in his body over the incident. The heat of the shower engulfed him, reminding him of how he felt in Zack's arms the night before, and it caused a small smile to break out onto his face.

And his mind went to their kiss. The feeling of their tongues lapping at each other, the sound of Zack's breath being released through his open mouth as they explored feverishly. The feeling of Zack's arousal pressing against his groin as Cloud grinded against him.

Cloud opened his eyes, feeling the familiar warming sensation between his legs. He immediately reached for the shower knobs and turned down the heat. He grimaced, the feeling of the cold water pelting his skin as it did what it was supposed to. He relaxed, giving Graves a quick glance to see if he had noticed his growing erection, but the man had his eyes closed and his head tilted back, rinsing out his hair.

Cloud quickly began to do what he needed to do to get himself cleaned up. He was excited as Kunsel had given them the rest of the day off. He hoped that Zack was free so he could wander over there and spend some time with him.

"Fuck, man!" Graves was suddenly screaming as he threw a fist into the tiled wall before him. "He had motive, Cloud!"

Cloud let out a very low, steady sigh.

"He left Elici for dead!" He threw an open palm into the tile, the sound of his skin striking the wall sounding through the shower. He did it again with another curse. "I'm gonna get that mother fucker."

"Goddammit Graves, will you just drop it!?" Cloud found that he was shouting now. He ignored the soap that was running down his face as his eyes were flashing with anger towards his friend instead of stinging from the shampoo.

"Mejia tries to rape ya up the ass and then puts a fuckin' bullet into yer friend's skull, and that's all ya hafta say!?" They were facing each other now, Graves looking as if he were about to rush him and if it weren't for the ire in Cloud's body at that moment, he probably would have been rather frightened for his safety.

"You need to learn to bite your tongue, Graves," Cloud said, his shoulders beginning to shake from the immense wrath he was feeling. He paused for a moment, his breathing making a poor attempt to steady itself. He began to speak again, his voice cracking in his throat. "Saying all of this won't bring Elici back."

And that was what caused Graves to finally realize what he had said to Cloud, and his face fell. Hard.

"Cloud, shit I'm sor-"

Cloud cut him off. "Don't bother, Graves. Saying 'sorry' won't stop you from doing it again." Cloud slammed the knobs shut, his body shivering from the cold water he forgot he had left on. His skin was riddled with goose bumps. He threw his towel around his waist and left the shower before Graves could say anything.

But he didn't. He just stood there in the falling water, his eyes cast down to his bruised thigh.

Maybe biting his tongue wouldn't have been that bad an idea.

* * *

... To be continued in Chapter Eleven: Melody.

Ending Author's Note: Special thanks to Nekotsuki for beta'ing this chapter for me!


	11. Chapter Eleven: Melody

Chapter Eleven: Melody

* * *

"Dude, why are you staring at me like that?" Zack was wearing a very uncomfortable look on his face.

Kunsel was peering at Zack with sharp eyes. "You should know me by now, Zack. I like to know everything, and there's something with you, that you're not telling me." He leaned in closer, but Zack just leaned further back into the leather couch, trying to escape Kunsel's ever intense stare.

"Seriously, there's nothing going on. And seriously, you need to stop looking at me like that." He relaxed as Kunsel eventually obeyed, and just opted for plopping himself down on Zack's couch next to him instead.

Kunsel let out a suspiciously content sigh as he kicked his legs up onto the coffee table, folding his hands behind his head. "It's cool," he chirped, nonchalantly. "I figured it out anyway, right now."

"Right now?"

"Yep," he said, stretching. "I have you all figured out, my friend."

Zack laughed, the tendril of hair that hung in his face swinging across his eyes as he shook his head. "Can't imagine what you could've figured out seein' as there's NOTHING to figure out to begin with." He leaned forward and grabbed a bottle of water off his table and took a short swig of it. "I'm no different than any other time you see me."

"And that's exactly why I know something is up," Kunsel said confidently.

More laughter from Zack, almost spitting out the sip of water he just took into his grinning mouth. "What are you possibly basing this on?"

Kunsel frowned thoughtfully, his hand stroking his narrow chin as he stared off at the front door. "You seemed unusually happy this morning when I spoke with you on the phone."

"Don't I always?"

"Yes, but this morning was different. You just got back from your mission at the Icicle Inn. I heard about what happened to Essai and Sebastian." He looked to Zack, his eyes conveying his condolences, but he tried to keep the conversation lighthearted with his cunning smile. "When you're upset about something, I can always tell because your voice is a lot lower, and about three decibels softer. And when you talk, there's a downward inflection to your words which suggests something is bothering you."

"I'm filing a restraining order against you."

Kunsel laughed heartily, but ignored this comment as he continued. "I know that there's something up. So go on, confess to your ol' pal Kunsel what's making you smile so big." He turned his head, his own smile creeping back across his face, trying to urge Zack into spilling his secret.

Zack just laughed a bit nervously, but tried to play it off as feigned annoyance. "I've got nothing to tell you, Kunsel. There's nothing going on with me."

"You just lost two of your close friends, and you're telling me there's nothing going on behind that smile?"

Zack's eyebrows furrowed as he looked away from Kunsel to the television in front of him. He suddenly felt very guilty for the obvious joy he had been riding on with his growing situation with Cloud, while merely a few days earlier his friends had died in his arms.

Kunsel frowned then, realizing what he had said. "Hey, you don't have to tell me anything, Zack." He reached out and gave him a small punch on the shoulder. "I shouldn't question you."

Zack shook his head. "No, it's okay. I'm...just..." he began, but stopped as Kunsel was leaning towards him in anticipation, as if he had finally cracked Zack's will.

"...Yes?" Kunsel urged.

"Will you give it a rest!?" Zack said, while laughing.

"Zack Fair, you _will _tell me about this new lady of yours!"

Zack sputtered, refraining from laughing at Kunsel's oblivious accusation that it was a woman that was making him so elated. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Kunsel folded his arms across his chest, shrugging confidently. "Lie to me all you want, Fair. I'm not moving from this spot until you either admit you've got a new girlfriend, or that girl herself shows up knocking on your door wantin' a piece of you."

"You've gotta be kidding me." Zack scoffed, shaking his head.

"One or the other, buddy."

Zack fell silent, chewing on his bottom lip nervously. His eyes fell over Kunsel, who was just leaning back against the couch staring intently into the door as if he were expecting someone to just manifest from his hopes alone and knock on the door.

Kunsel was one of his best friends, but Zack didn't think that he would ever understand or even accept his relationship with Cloud. He'd probably scare Kunsel away, despite their loyalty to each other's friendship. Then again, Zack wasn't even really sure what type of relationship he had with Cloud to begin with. Things were a little unclear. All that he knew was that he was quite content with whatever was going on with the blond boy.

And as if all that intense staring from Kunsel had actually worked, there was a knock at the door.

Kunsel jumped to his feet roughly, thrusting his arm out at the door in the most excited fashion Zack had ever seen him in. "I knew it! Who is she? Is it Aerith again!?"

Zack scowled, heaving himself off the couch angrily at the conveniently timed knock. He stomped over to the door and motioned for Kunsel to sit back down as his hopes were soon to be dashed rather quickly.

"Oh. It's just Cloud," Kunsel said as the door was opened to reveal a disheveled-looking blond on the other side. He plopped back down on the couch with a very, very heavy and defeated sigh.

"S-sorry." Cloud lowered his head, but his eyes were still cast up and looking at Zack worriedly. "I didn't know you had company."

"It's just me, Cloud. C'mon in." Kunsel kicked his leg up onto his knee and leaned back.

"Yeah." Zack narrowed his eyes at Cloud, looking him over. He looked as if he had dressed himself in a rush, as his shirt was caught inside the waist of his pants, and his normally spiky hair was wet and matted into his face. His shoes were even untied. Zack took notice of the civilian clothes he was wearing, and forgot that his liberty had started, as Kunsel mentioned. He was wearing just a simple black t-shirt that greedily clung to his forming muscles in his chest over a pair of dark wash jeans. Zack licked his lips unconsciously at the sight. He hadn't really seen him much in civilian clothes, let alone with his hair dripping wet and plastered against his face.

Zack wondered if this was what Cloud would look like after a long night of passionate sex. He cleared his throat, realizing that he was staring a bit too long and a bit too hungrily at him. He stepped aside and waited for Cloud to enter.

And he did with a nod, and kicked off his white sneakers he wore that were barely broken in, as he didn't get to wear them often. Either that, or Cloud was just being his usual neat-freak self and kept them incredibly clean. And that neat freak placed them so tidily next to Kunsel's boots.

Kunsel frowned at Cloud, who had his eyes glued to the floor in a very sheepish manner. He lifted an eyebrow at him. "Something wrong, Cloud?"

Cloud's head shot up, unaware of the apparently distressed look he wore, and gave a very superficial smile. "N-no sir. I just came by to..." He trailed off, unprepared with an excuse. His face fell immediately.

"What happened?" Zack peered into Cloud's face, frowning at him.

"Nothing, sir." Cloud shook his head, and Zack only rolled his eyes at the lie, and the formality in front of Kunsel.

"I'll tell you what happened." Kunsel stood up and walked to Cloud with his arms still folded against his chest. "Graves and Ratcliff were fighting, weren't they?"

Cloud shook his head quickly, not wanting to rat out his two friends to their superior. He knew they would be in trouble with Kunsel, and possibly lose their liberty, if not more, for getting into a confrontation. "No, sir. They weren't. I just..." Trailed off again, once _again_ unprepared.

"Those idiots are always bickering about something. They must've done something stupid to get you this pissed." Kunsel sighed, walking over to the door as he bent down and gathered up his boots. "I'll go check it out. Don't worry, Cloud, I won't let them know it was you who said anything."

"Kunsel-" Zack began as Cloud stiffened, but Kunsel cut him off.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, Zack. You don't know these two morons as well as I do. I'll find out that something happened, whether or not Cloud says anything anyway. I'm sure one of them is bruised up. Bruises tell all, right Cloud?" He motioned down to the fading love bite Zack had left him on their first night together, and Cloud's hand was slapped to his neck in shock.

"S-sir!" He forgot that his neck was exposed out of uniform.

"It's okay Cloud, at least someone is getting some action around here." He finished tying his boots and he stood, grabbing for the door handle.

Zack frowned at Kunsel angrily, but this just invited rude laughter from the man.

"I will find out about it eventually Zack. I always do, you should know that by now." And he shut the door behind him, his devious laughter fading down the hallway as he left.

Zack let out a very frustrated groan, and pinched his fingers over the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "That freakin' idiot."

"What was that all about, Zack?" Cloud looked up to the irritated man worriedly.

He just shook his head, smiling after his hand was dropped from his face. "Nothing, buddy. Don't worry about it. He's just being weird," he assured, placing his hand on Cloud's shoulder in a brotherly fashion.

Brotherly until he realized that they were alone, and the memory of their kiss from the night before flooded back into his mind. And Cloud must have realized this too, as his face was flushed from behind wet bangs, his lips moistened.

The hand on Cloud's shoulder turned into a gentle rubbing motion, no longer stationery. "Hey," Zack began, his voice low and almost sultry. "You okay?"

Cloud just nodded silently, shifting his body to face Zack fully. "Yeah, they were just...being stupid. It'll blow over." Cloud nodded to himself. "It always does."

"You don't look like you believe what you're saying."

Cloud laughed shortly, and he found himself stepping into Zack's touch even more as it deepened. His eyes closed quickly as Zack's other hand joined in the rubbing on Cloud's other shoulder.

"You're tense," Zack muttered, his eyes watching as Cloud swayed along with the kneading motions on his shoulders. Cloud's tongue darted out and licked his lips. This made Zack purr inaudibly as he took one step closer to the boy, and they were soon bathing in each other's body heat. He arched his fingers up, bringing the taut muscles into his skilled hands, and then slid them down deep along his body. His past lovers always complained to him that his massages were too rough, but Cloud seemed to be enjoying the intensity. He rubbed him for a few minutes, slowly feeling Cloud beginning to melt under his touch.

"They really got you upset, didn't they?" he finally whispered, leaning his head down to Cloud as he spoke.

An unintelligible murmur was Cloud's response as he stood there moving with Zack's rubbing, his eyes closed peacefully on his face. Zack ceased his massage on the boy's shoulders to lean in and give him a kiss on the lips just as Cloud's eyes flew open to see why he had stopped the relaxing touch. He gasped into Zack's mouth as the first image he saw was of the handsome SOLDIER inches away from him.

And those eyes closed once more as Zack continued to kiss him tenderly. Very steady paced, very calm. Each unhurried kiss sent waves of soft feelings into both of them, conveying the bottled up affection they had for each other.

Cloud's heart began to beat hard with each suckling sound of their lips as they moved. He wrapped his arms around the man's body as their kiss began to deepen in a relaxed pace that was both teasing and maddeningly enjoyable.

Zack softened under Cloud's embrace and he let his hands slide up from his shoulders to hold the sides of his face. Zack's muscles twitched slightly as the cold feeling of Cloud's wet hair touched the skin on his hands, and he slid them up further to play with the strands that hung carelessly about. This touch caused Cloud to faintly moan into Zack's mouth, and Zack replied with one of his own. How he just loved to hear this boy make noises. It drove him absolutely nuts, and it showed as his tongue pushed straight into Cloud's open mouth with a sense of hunger and early signs of lust.

Cloud arched his back, almost pulling away from him as he did so, but Zack's firm grasp in his hair held him where he belonged. He relaxed once more, allowing his tongue to push back, meeting that sense of hunger that filled his mouth, with one of his own. This was followed by another subdued moan, and his hands began to roam Zack's broad back.

An inviting feeling, and Zack mimicked this by letting his tongue roam down Cloud's neck.

Cloud threw his head back and leaned backwards. Zack had to slide one hand behind him to keep him from falling while he kept the other hand gripping into his hair. He began to trail wet kisses down the side of Cloud's neck as he faced the ceiling, squirming under his touch.

And Zack could feel the vibrations against his lips as Cloud let out a rather loud moan then.

Zack nipped the flesh in response, a fire being lit in his body by the seductive sound. He began to lustfully quicken his kisses, mixing in a lapping of his tongue across the heated skin, responding with each sound Cloud made with a combination of his own and an onslaught of pecks and suckling. His hand released its grip from the boy's hair as Cloud began to crane his neck to the side to allow access to Zack's advances.

Now Zack's hands were beginning to skim across the boy's shoulders and chest. It was timid at first, easing his touch along with the intensity of their kiss, testing Cloud to see if he would react negatively to his advances like he feared he would. But Zack was reassured when Cloud began to move his hips against Zack's, thrusting into him with a carnal instinct that he couldn't control even if he knew how. This caused Zack to respond by releasing a lustful growl from his throat as he began tugging at the bottom of Cloud's shirt.

"Up," Zack breathed, removing his lips from the boy's neck momentarily to speak. "Arms up."

Cloud obeyed and his vision was blocked by his shirt being removed over his head roughly. It was tossed aside to the coffee table carelessly as Zack began to push back on the boy, urging him to move to the couch.

But Cloud stood there quietly, and Zack pulled his head back to look at him. He had a look of apprehension mixed with a look of need and desire. His cheeks were flushed with uncertainty, and embarrassment.

Zack chuckled at this expression as his eyes darted down to the boy's exposed chest. He looked so frail at the moment as his shoulders were curled inwards as if trying to hide in himself. Zack had seen him without his shirt on during training, but the aura of the situation was different now, the circumstances of his partially nude body taken to a whole new context.

But that uncertain face changed to nothing short of bliss as Zack leaned down, beginning to trail kisses down his neck to his collarbone. He nibbled a bit at the bone and he could feel the boy beginning to weaken in his grasp.

"Sit down," Zack whispered, coaxing the boy to sit on the couch, which he finally did after a few more pecks at his flesh from the man.

Cloud leaned back, his eyes darting across Zack's with piqued interest. But they closed as Zack sat down next to him and swiftly leaned his head in and flicked his tongue across one of Cloud's nipples.

"Z-Zack!" Cloud tried to squirm away, but strong hands gripped each shoulder possessively, holding him there as he continued to swirl his tongue over the raised flesh. He enclosed his mouth around it, pinching it between his teeth, flicking his tongue along it sensually. He released it after a moment of suckling and he sat back, staring down at the boy who was now slouching over to the side mindlessly under his touch.

So Zack gently pushed him down, and Cloud followed his silent command, nestling himself down into the cushions with glazed eyes. He seemed to buck his hips slightly, thrusting into the air as Zack shifted between his legs. He hovered above him for a moment, taking in the boy's expression of unbridled lust.

Cloud's eyebrows were arched, his eyes heavy-lidded, his chest rose and fell with each nervous breath. Zack could tell Cloud was unsure of what was going to happen, but held a look of excitement behind each small whimper he let out into the air as Zack's hands began to move down to the top of his jeans.

As his fingers latched onto the button, he gave Cloud a glance to find that he had a small smile etched at the corners of his mouth.

"Is this okay, Cloud?" Zack said sweetly before he leaned down and began to kiss Cloud's stomach lightly.

Cloud moaned a reply, arching his back into the touch of his lips that began to move south on his body. He gasped as Zack darted his tongue into his navel, and gave a short laugh while writhing.

"S-stop!" He tittered breathlessly, but soon began to moan once more as the tongue did quite the opposite, and circled the navel playfully.

A chuckle escaped Zack's parted mouth. His hands gripped Cloud's waist, trying to hold him down as he wiggled, but this only caused him to react with more suppressed laughter.

"I didn't know you were ticklish," Zack said, delving his tongue into his navel once more.

Cloud bucked his hips, his erection brushing up against Zack's throat teasingly, for both parties involved. This caused Zack to flick the button on his jeans, and they opened. The tongue was removed from the navel and began to trail down towards the top of his jeans.

"W-what are you doing?" Cloud said breathlessly, panicked, as he lifted his head.

Zack smiled up at him, his eyes glowing in a show of assurance. "If you're not comfortable, just tell me. I'll stop immediately."

"B-but what are you doing?" he said again, watching as Zack's hand began to rub his inner thigh.

That was when Zack realized he really must not have known what he was about to do, or maybe there was a small chance he was feigning innocence, just to be cute. Zack laughed at the boy warmly, his teeth flashing that smile. "I'm not really sure myself, but let's see where it goes. Only if it's okay with you." He watched as the boy nodded, shifting against the couch nervously.

The rubbing hand was removed from the thigh and slowly traced over to the bulge in Cloud's pants. He lowered his hand slowly, his eyes darting up to Cloud's face cautiously as he did this. No signs of resistance or fear, so the hand began to rub him gently.

And Cloud's head was lifted from the couch in a gasp, his eyes widening, but then closing, unsure of what to do. This made Zack laugh inaudibly as he planted a few kisses on his lower stomach before unzipping Cloud's jeans slowly.

It came naturally for Cloud then, as he immediately lifted his hips up so Zack could shimmy his pants down to his thighs. He could tell Cloud was becoming bashful as he was slowly undressed, so he decided to keep as much clothing on the boy as possible to ensure his comfort in the new situation.

Zack lowered his head down, his lips brushing up against the fabric of Cloud's boxer-briefs, taking in the scent of laundry soap and the scent of pre-come soaking into the fibers. Zack kissed Cloud's confined erection, his heart beginning to pound in his chest over the realization of his actions. He hoped that he could remember some of the things Ratcliff had told him in the car ride, as he was usually the one receiving a blowjob, and not giving one.

"You okay, Cloud?"

All that was received as a reply were a few rapid and eager nods of a blond head. Zack's hands began to smooth over Cloud's heaving stomach as he kissed his arousal a bit faster now, trying not to laugh as Cloud responded with needy thrusts and sultry whimpers. He finally hooked his fingers under the hem and began tugging.

Cloud was trembling now, and Zack could feel this through the couch as he once more lifted his hips, allowing Zack to expose him fully. Cloud's head suddenly turned to the side, burying his face into the back of the couch in a shamed and embarrassed reaction to Zack's interested response to his member.

Zack found himself licking his lips at the sight of the stiff shaft laying across Cloud's lower stomach in a soft pillow of blond hair. He hesitated at first, but he had seen his past lovers do this for him, and he knew what felt good and what he liked as a man receiving a blowjob.

After a moment of hesitation, Zack's tongue delved in, starting at the base of Cloud's member and trailed upwards to the flesh under the bottom peak of the head.

"Zack!" Cloud said, involuntarily pulling himself away as he lifted his head. "W-what was that!?"

"I believe that was my tongue," he replied, matter-of-factly. Zack grinned as his mouth hovered above Cloud's hot member, and he pushed him back down onto the couch. Slowly and passionately Zack resumed passing his tongue along the flesh as if he were sensually and teasingly licking an ice cream cone.

Cloud just murmured some incoherent words before ultimately choking out another gasp as Zack guided the tip of his member into the hot confines of his mouth. Cloud's head dropped back down onto the couch lifelessly.

Hot; wet; hot; wet. That was all Cloud was able to muster in his mind as Zack's mouth began to slowly bob along his rigid erection.

Zack pressed his lips down against the hot organ, applying a gentle suction as he moved. He kept one hand at the base of Cloud's member while the other began to massage his inner thigh through the jeans that were wrapped around him still. They seemed to be bothering Cloud as he tried to spread his legs farther apart, but didn't voice any displeasure over it, as nothing but lengthy moans escaped his throat.

Zack hummed a reply to the wonderful noises he was making, and smiled with Cloud's member in his mouth. He began to slide his hand in time with his moving head and this caused Cloud to arch against the couch.

"Zack!" he said loudly, his head shaking side to side in time with the heavy breaths being released from his chest. "S-shit..."

Another sultry hum from Zack as he lowered his head completely down onto Cloud, to where his lips and nose were buried in the soft tuft of hair below his stomach. The hand that was on his thigh was removed and he reached down, cupping Cloud's testicles as he began to suck him deeply. He stroked them tenderly, and this caused Cloud to buck his hips with a startled whimper.

Cloud pried open his eyes to view this, attempting to make a mental note, but was soon denied any brain impulses or thought patterns as all of his energy was focused on the unrestrained cries he was emitting into the apartment, and to the unbelievable sensation in his groin.

Zack's hot tongue began to swirl the head in his mouth slowly, as his hand on the shaft stroked him faster. His saliva acted as a heated lubricant on Cloud, and this caused glorious sounds to be sung by the writhing and fidgeting boy as Zack's hand continued to stroke him.

He could feel the muscles in Cloud's thighs around Zack's body tighten, and the member in his mouth beginning to stiffen even more. He could taste the salty flavor of pre-come in his mouth, but he ignored the odd taste as he continued to pleasure the squirming blond beneath him.

"Z-Zack...I'm....I'm..." Cloud couldn't finish his sentence as a combination of moans and cries came from him in a swarm of ecstasy. He began to toss his head frantically as the lust he felt broke down the confining walls of his self inhibitions, and he reached down, shoving his hands deep into Zack's hair.

Zack could feel him attempting to pry him from his member as he began to reach his limit. He uttered cries of protest from his throat, but the deep thrusting of his hips into Zack's mouth negated any verbal plea from the boy.

Breathless cries, heavy moans, fingers squeezing into the hair of the head that moved so hungrily against him. Cloud arched his back on the couch one last time, before his vision was engulfed in a tingling darkness, and the room was filled with an ear-shattering holler.

Zack let out a short and surprised noise as Cloud released into his mouth with multiple shudders. He could feel the pulse of the member in his mouth as he came, and his senses were muddled with the flavor of passion and release. His hand began to slow in time with the dissipating thrusts Cloud was managing through the bliss, and Zack soon removed his mouth from the softening member with an accomplished smile.

Cloud's eyes were quite glazed. He was shuddering violently against the couch in the aftermath, his hands slowly dropping down to his side lifelessly. His hair was still matted against his face, but from sweat now, as it ran teasingly across his flushed skin.

"Za...ck..." he choked out, his eyes blinking lazily.

Zack wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his stomach turning a bit from the foreign substance, but he ignored it as he crawled up to Cloud, nuzzling his face with his nose.

Cloud turned his head quickly into him, beginning to plant feverish kisses against his lips crookedly through the depleting high he was riding on. He missed Zack's lips a few times as he could no longer keep his head upright, and it slumped off into the back of the couch with the remaining moans that were flowing from him.

Zack chuckled quietly, reaching down and tugging his underwear back up to his waist, as Cloud was finally coming back to his senses and was more than aware of his exposed body.

"Can you talk?" Zack said through a broad smile as he shimmied the jeans back up and buttoned them for him. He was blushing terribly now, and it was rather endearing. Zack began to zip the pants as well, but as his hand brushed against Cloud's member, he reacted with a terrible shudder, followed by a small breathless laugh. Zack pulled his hands away, smiling. "Ticklish again?"

Cloud just shook his head, his hands now covering his face in a bit of shame.

"C'mere," Zack said, his voice a loving tone. He reached down and grabbed Cloud's wrists, tugging on him gently. "Sit up."

He mindlessly obeyed, and Zack could feel his weakened muscles trembling as he did so. He collapsed forward into Zack's chest. "Zack..." he murmured into him.

Amused lips kissed the top of his head as he wrapped his arms around the boy. "Yep," he simply said to the mindless repeat of his name. He caressed Cloud's bare back and it caused Cloud to bury his face against Zack's body.

"Was that okay, Cloud?" Zack muttered into his hair after he kissed him several more times. Cloud's hair was beginning to dry now and it was perking back up into its usual spikes. Zack nuzzled his face into him, breathing in the smell of his shampoo.

"I...uh..." Cloud stammered, his face plastered against Zack's body sheepishly. "T-that...that was...um..."

Zack just smiled at him, smoothing his hands over Cloud's bare shoulders.

"I...think I need to lie down again..."

"Take a nap then," Zack said, pulling back a bit to take in the sated features of the boy in his arms.

"But...what about..." Cloud glanced down to the erection pressing against him from Zack. "...Well..." He blushed furiously, too bashful at that point to mention Zack's arousal verbally.

Zack just laughed at him, lowering him back down onto the couch as he seemed to falter from exhaustion. "Don't worry about me, okay?" He leaned in, catching Cloud's lips with his in the last remaining bit of suggestive lust that flowed through him. Cloud had had enough for one day, he assumed. "Close your eyes, Cloud."

Cloud nodded, and did as he was told. "Will you be here?" he murmured.

Zack waited until he was sure the boy was asleep before he frowned sadly at him. "Sorry, Cloud." He gave one last kiss to the boy on his forehead. "I have to say goodbye."

* * *

... To be continued in Chapter Twelve: Stay

Ending Author's Note: Special thanks to Nekotsuki for beta'ing this chapter for me! It was my first lemon scene! Heehee!


	12. Chapter Twelve: Stay

Chapter Twelve: Stay

* * *

He didn't know how long he was asleep for, but the dull, groggy feeling that was washing over his senses suggested that it had been at least a few hours.

The fading light from the day was trickling in between the blinds in the window from the kitchen, and it cast lines of shadows on his hazy surroundings. A clean breath entering his lungs gave him the energy he needed to sit up on the leather couch he had been lying on.

Cloud glanced around, looking through the still apartment for any signs of Zack. He couldn't even remember having fallen asleep after Zack had...

The color in Cloud's face drained completely, the muscles in his bare stomach tightening with the memory of being pleasured by the SOLDIER.

He buried his face in his hands then, embarrassed over himself. The thought of Zack enveloping his member completely into his hot mouth assaulted Cloud's mind, allowing a certain shade of color to splash against his pale cheeks.

And the humming noises that accompanied Zack as he moved with Cloud in his mouth resonated in his head, and now no amount of burying his face in his hands could hide the shame he felt. The lack of control he had then disgusted himself, as the memory of him thrusting into Zack's mouth, and the excessive noises he made, replayed in his mind over and over again. The more he thought about it, the more he became dejected with his own behavior. He was mortified over the possibility that Zack might have been repulsed with him, especially when he...

Cloud let out a groan of disgust, rubbing his face vigorously.

He...came in Zack's mouth.

Never had he had such a strong urge to run far away from where he was.

He lowered his hands as he finally clambered to his feet. The cool rush of air in the space hit him as he stood, and he trembled, wondering where his shirt had gone. The previous encounter had happened so quickly that he had little time to think or even act. Once Zack had begun to kiss him, all thoughts were negated by the pleasing feeling of the man's touch.

Cloud realized through several moments of searching that he really _couldn't_ find his shirt. He poked around the apartment, checking under the coffee table and behind the television stand, but his shirt was nowhere to be found. And where was Zack, for that matter? He rubbed his upper arms in a poor attempt to warm himself, and then his eyes caught a piece of paper hanging on the front door.

_I'll be back in a few hours. Had to run a mission. Please stay and wait for me?_

A small smile tugged at his face, realizing that perhaps Zack wasn't too offended with him after his unrestrained actions. He noticed a small arrow on the bottom of the page, ordering him to turn it over. Cloud plucked it from the front door and flipped it over, whereupon reading the second part of the note, his face scrunched into a very irked expression.

_I had a feeling you'd try and leave without waiting for me, so I took your shirt with me. Can't leave without it, can you?_

Cloud crumpled the note in his fist and tossed it behind him onto the couch with an angry scowl. Zack trapped him there intentionally as he knew he would probably run. He was stuck in a rather embarrassing situation. He either waited for Zack to return and face the man he really felt like avoiding, or go out in public...half nude. Either way he was going to be shirtless no matter what he chose to do.

His face was stained in a very strong blush that he was thankful no one else could see. But soon the blush was replaced with a white sheen of terror as there was a sudden knock on the door before him. Cloud froze.

"Mr. Fair, sir?" A familiar voice from behind the door.

Cloud peered through the peephole to see Ratcliff standing out in the hallway. He opened the door slowly, and watched with amused interest as Ratcliff shot him a salute.

"Oh, Cloud." The salute was lowered slowly. "I thought you might be here, yeah!" His eyes darted down to Cloud's bare chest and then quickly looked away.

Cloud failed to notice that, however, as his own eyes were cast to the ground in a sheepish expression as he hid himself partially behind the door. "Y-you were looking for me?"

Ratcliff nodded a few times. "Y-yeah, wanted to see if you were okay after what happened."

Cloud replied with shamed silence.

"Am...I interrupting anything?" His voice was suddenly very curious sounding, and Cloud blushed furiously.

"No."

"Where's your shirt, yeah?"

"Zack has it," Cloud said.

Ratcliff paused for a moment, allowing a rather wolfish grin to creep across his face. "Would I have interrupted anything had I come a bit _earlier_, yeah?"

Cloud began to close the door on the man. "Goodbye, Ratcliff."

The older man shoved his foot into the doorway, stopping it from closing. "Hey, wait! I'm sorry!" This was followed by a few chuckles. "Let me talk to you, yeah?"

Cloud reopened the door and stepped off to the side warily. "Shouldn't you be at the infirmary for your wound?"

Ratcliff pushed back the long, boyish bangs that hung into his face. "See? We have matching scars now." He revealed a few rows of stitches over his brow, mirroring Cloud's.

Cloud chuckled lightly, opening the door for him completely now. "I don't think Zack will mind if you come in."

"He'd be insulted if I didn't, yeah?" Ratcliff stepped inside, kicking off his shoes respectfully. "You've been here since you left?" he said, sneaking a quick glance at Cloud's upper body as he moved over to the couch. He watched as the shadows of the blinds were reflecting off of his skin, causing the illusion of having fully formed muscles across his chest and abdomen. Albeit abstract, to Ratcliff it was still an interesting sight. But he quickly looked away as Cloud turned to him as he sat down on the couch with a small sigh.

"Why are you here, Ratcliff?"

"Well, I can't stay long. I just wanted to stop by and see if you were okay, and to tell Zack something, yeah." Ratcliff sat down next to him, smiling at him from behind the wisps of his dark blond hair.

Cloud peered at the man quizzically.

"Why don't you tell me why Zack has your shirt, first." Ratcliff grinned, knowing that the look Cloud gave him was meant for Ratcliff to reveal what he was needing to talk to Zack for. But he wasn't about to divulge this information until Cloud explained why he was half nude in Zack's apartment, why his hair was matted behind his head, and why the cheeks on his face were devoured in a reddened shame that only suggested _one_ thing.

"None of your business," Cloud said coldly.

Ratcliff leaned his head back, humming a rather amused noise. "You don't need to say a thing now, yeah."

Cloud threw his head off to the side, the red on his face intensifying. "S-shut up. I-it's not what you think."

"Then why is your zipper down, yeah?" Ratcliff motioned down to the zipper that Zack failed to close due to Cloud's sensitive state after he climaxed.

And the small startled cry Cloud released from his mouth as his hands slapped down onto himself to shield the evidence was enough to confirm Ratcliff's suspicions.

"How far did you guys get, yeah!?" He was too excited for his own good.

"Why are you here?" Cloud snapped in reply as his shaking fingers fumbled to pull the zipper up where it belonged. "Just leave your message and get outta here."

"Okay, okay," Ratcliff cooed, trying to calm the angry boy. "I was just going to tell Zack that Graves and I won't be able to make it tomorrow, yeah."

"Tomorrow?" Cloud narrowed his eyes at Ratcliff.

"You've forgotten, yeah?"

Cloud was beginning to feel very self conscious with himself at that moment and he shifted uncomfortably on the couch. His hands crossed over his chest and clutched each forearm. "Forgotten what?"

Concerned blue eyes watched as Cloud curled into himself. "Zack was going to take us all out, remember?"

"Oh..."

"Kunsel found out about the little...scuffle, yeah. So our liberty was revoked for being hostile with each other. He let us have the rest of the day off today to rest, as well..." He let out a laugh. "I got Graves pretty good in his leg, yeah. He can hardly walk," he said, with an aura of pride. "But tomorrow we're to scrub all the Heads in the building."

"Oh..." Cloud said again.

"Would you believe that the jerk tried reasoning with me, yeah? He said he'd let me scrub the Women's because they're cleaner. Like he was doing me a favor for gettin' me roped into his outburst, yeah. I just told him to fuck off." Ratcliff scoffed, shaking his head. "Once again I get caught up in _his_ lack-of-control."

Cloud suddenly let out a mortified groan, lowering his chin down onto his neck.

Ratcliff frowned at him. He studied the shamed look Cloud wore on his face, and he sat for a moment, trying to form the question in his mind in the lightest possible way. "Did...something happen between you guys that you didn't want to do, yeah?"

"What?" Cloud said, his voice miles away.

"Were you forced to do something?"

"No...it's not that..." Cloud said weakly.

"Then why are you so rattled, yeah? What the hell happened?"

A blond head was shaking rapidly, defiantly. "It's not that, don't worry. I just..."

"Please tell me, yeah. I'm the one to talk to, Cloud," Ratcliff said, his voice soothing.

"He..." The blush was crawling down to his neck. "...We just...u-uh...went...um...d-d..."

"Down?" Ratcliff had to finish his sentence as Cloud's mouth closed indefinitely.

More rapid nodding.

"You or him, yeah?"

There was a moment's pause, and Ratcliff wasn't sure if he'd have to do Cloud's thinking and speaking for him. But eventually the blond opened his mouth slowly, his face twitching in thought.

"H-he...he did," Cloud said.

Ratcliff relaxed, but only a little. He couldn't figure out why Cloud was so disturbed over this fact. It was supposed to be a beautiful thing, not something that caused shame and inward spiraling...

Ratcliff let out a long sigh through his nose. "You weren't ready, yeah." He confirmed finally. "Not so soon after you were..." Ratcliff trailed off. He didn't want to say the word.

"No, it's fine," Cloud said, partially lying. He wasn't quite sure himself if he had been ready or not, but it just felt right with Zack. "It's just that...I acted...I..."

Ratcliff laughed rather loudly. "You enjoyed it?"

Cloud's hands cupped his face with another groan.

"Nothing wrong with that, yeah. Don't be ashamed."

Another horrified groan.

A few minutes passed between them silently, the only sound of Cloud's breathing echoing between his palms was heard in the apartment. Until the sound of another apartment door closing outside in the hall vibrated through, rather loudly.

This sound sparked a question in Ratcliff's head. "Were you loud?"

Cloud was still for a brief second, but then slowly nodded with his hands still pressed against his face.

"That's good then, yeah!" The sound of paper being smoothed out could be heard from Ratcliff, but Cloud just ignored this, and then ignored the chuckle that came from the man.

"What?" His hands were slightly lowered.

"Lets Zack know you like what he's doing, yeah." The paper was turned over a few times, crumpled up once more, and then placed back down onto the couch where it was found.

"Can we just drop this?" Cloud said, the hands returning to their original shamed positions.

"I just want to make sure you're okay, yeah."

"Fine."

Ratcliff frowned empathetically. "I've been through it all, Cloud. Don't you forget that, yeah?" He stood, deciding not to give him the usual friendly pat on the shoulder. "And if you're not ready to do something, then just say so, yeah. It may suck for Zack at first, but he'll be patient for you, I promise, yeah." _I would be. _He frowned at himself.

Cloud just nodded through his hands.

"Well I gotta go," Ratcliff's voice was muffled suddenly as clothing began to rustle. "Gotta start preparing for scrubbin' the Heads tomorrow, yeah."

Cloud felt something warm being placed down on his lap.

"Tell Zack that I'm sorry that we couldn't join. But you go ahead and enjoy your date with him tomorrow, yeah."

_Date...?_

This caused Cloud to finally peel his hands away as he looked up to Ratcliff, who now stood shirtless in front of him.

"Ratcliff?"

He smiled at him warmly, motioning down to the plain white shirt which lay in Cloud's lap. "In case you wanted to run, my friend."

_Date._

Cloud then smiled back, shaking his head. "No, it's okay." He threw the shirt back to Ratcliff. "I think I'll stay."

* * *

Tseng and Zack parted solemnly once they reached the main lobby of the Shin-Ra building. Not much was said between them during the mission they delegated out to themselves earlier that day. Tseng was silent out of respect for Zack, who still seemed troubled by his loss. The Turk, in a rare instance, had decided to accompany him to the burial of Zack's two friends he had lost, as it was not long after Zack's tragedy with Angeal that it had happened. Zack looked like he needed someone with him during that difficult time, and Tseng felt like he had to watch over him.

He didn't want Zack to do anything rash, but there was a part of him that just sensed that Zack needed some support. This, of course, Tseng would vehemently deny until he was the one being buried in the ground. He simply just informed Zack that he only went with him to make sure the SOLDIER didn't do anything stupid, but of course Zack knew better.

Tseng never really smiled, but his eyes held a certain light to them at times. That's how Zack could always tell he was lying about his true intentions. It wasn't very often that he did this, but it was there, regardless.

And now the SOLDIER slowly made his way back to his apartment, hungry, lonesome, and eager. He attempted a mental bet with himself on whether Cloud had stayed or not, knowing that there was a possibility that Cloud would remove himself from Zack's life for a few days out of anxiety and confusion over what had happened between them.

But Zack, knowing that this could be an outcome with his insecure friend, wouldn't have changed a thing. He smiled for the first time in several hours as he thought of Cloud, and it felt good. The boy's warm kiss, his soft skin, his unique taste, all were pleasant thoughts that fueled the smile that had been missing.

His eyes closed in a teasing memory of the noises that the boy had made from Zack's actions. The inhibitions that Cloud usually put forth in his demeanor were wiped clean with the instinct that flowed from his pleasured body. Each arch of his back and each sharp cry he emitted gnawed its way into Zack's mind, keeping the embers of his affection burning steadily for the young one.

The ding of the elevator pried his eyes open and he exited; the feeling of his legs moving nonexistent. And each beep of the keypad on the door to the SOLDIER floor, as Zack entered in his code, reminded him of how close he was to possibly being with Cloud once more. He began to grow anxious as he waited that tiny millisecond for the green light on the keypad to light up and for the lock to disengage. And when it did, he slapped the handle down and barged through the empty hallway, a little overeager.

Zack took a deep breath and held it in as his hand hovered above the handle to his door. He was nervous, and excited all at the same time. This was a test for himself and for Cloud, to see if Cloud trusted both Zack and himself enough to stay with him. After everything that had happened between them, Zack needed to talk to the boy to just reassure him, and himself, that where they were going was right. There was no reason to be scared.

And as Zack entered his apartment, his shoulders sank at the awfully quiet place. The lights were off, the television untouched; the couch was cold. Nothing but the sound of his own breathing cut through the deafening silence as he realized Cloud had run.

"Damn," he said as he slipped down onto the couch. His eyebrows furrowed as his bottom lip retreated into his mouth to be nibbled on by nervous teeth. He felt the muscles in his body weaken in defeat, finally succumbing to the debilitating effects of the adrenaline that had coursed through him from the pent up anxiety he had been feeling.

He looked down at his crumpled note he had left the blond, and he frowned at himself. Maybe it was a mean thing to do after all. Zack just wanted to make sure Cloud was there for him when he came back from burying his friends near the Icicle Inn. The two day wait from the autopsies had been torture, and then the actual burial felt burdening on his shoulders. He needed Cloud's company, in all honesty.

"Oh, Spikey..." Zack said, cupping his face in his hands. "I'm sorry..."

"You should be." A young voice from behind.

"Cloud!" Zack scrambled to his feet in that eagerness that didn't seem to want to leave him. His eyes scanned up the blond who was holding a hanger in his hand with one of Zack's casual shirts he hardly had time to wear. "You're still here!" He blinked at his own excitement, and then cleared his throat, lowering his voice to a somewhat less than ecstatic tone. "You're here, I mean. A-and I'm glad."

Cloud just smiled at him tenderly, but his eyes were down at the floor.

Zack took an amused note in his head that the boy was still shirtless and didn't seem as bothered by it like Zack thought he would be.

"H-how was your mission?" Cloud asked quietly, slipping the shoulder of the shirt onto the hanger.

Zack frowned briefly, but forced himself to change it to a smile. "It was okay. Tied up...some loose ends." He walked over to the boy and could see the flush on his face as he neared. "What're you doin'?"

"N-nothing..."

"Were you looking for a shirt to wear?" Zack said.

Cloud just shook his head, turning away in embarrassment.

"Yeah you were," he confirmed for the both of them. "I'm sorry Cloud, I shouldn't have done that."

"N-no...it's not that." He shifted on his feet as Zack tried to step by him into his own room, but was blocked by the nervous boy.

"What _are_ you doing?" Zack peered over the shoulder of Cloud who was now facing into the doorframe.

"I-I was hoping I'd finish before you came back..." Cloud began, his voice unsteady. "I'm sorry, I just...couldn't help myself."

Now Zack was more than interested, as he gently moved the boy aside, stepping into his room. The fresh scent of laundry soap hit his senses as he entered, and his eyes fell upon a very particularly folded pile of laundry sitting on the bed, waiting to be hung in his now organized-by-color closet. "What the hell?"

"I'm sorry, Zack. I...got bored." Cloud's voice was muffled behind his hands.

Zack chuckled as he stepped into the boy, surrounding Cloud's slumped frame with the strength of his embrace. "You're neurotic."

"I know," Cloud admitted, sheepishly, nuzzling into Zack's chest. He scolded himself as his heart began to slam in his body, and he was more than aware that Zack could feel it.

But Zack just smiled, placing a cautious kiss down onto the blond's head. "You could always watch TV when you're bored." He felt Cloud shake his head against him. The feeling of Cloud's heartbeat made him close his eyes, absorbing the life that emitted from the pulse.

Cloud's muscles twitched as he tried to pull away, testing the deepness of the embrace. He wasn't sure if it was a simple greeting, or something more. But the firm grip that the SOLDIER placed around him was making it quite clear as to just what type of hug this was. So Cloud relaxed into it, sliding his arms up around Zack's waist.

"Thank you, Cloud," Zack whispered.

"It didn't take me long–"

Zack cut him off. "No, I mean for being here."

"O-oh." He was sure he must have been blushing terribly as his face was burning. Cloud tried to pull away, embarrassed, but Zack held onto him with a strength that suggested that Zack was in need.

"Just...a little longer, Cloud," Zack whispered into the top of Cloud's head, his arms squeezing the boy's shoulders almost painfully.

The uniform the SOLDIER wore was gritty, it was drenched in the scent of loss, of suffering.

Zack smelled of the earth and snow.

* * *

Cloud had to be the one to break the embrace as his legs were beginning to become numb from the awkward position he was pressed into.

After a moment of embarrassed chuckling, and through the pain in his eyes, Zack mumbled something about taking a shower and disappeared into the bathroom.

"You cleaned in here, too!?" Zack said, his voice echoing against the gray tile of the bathroom. "Damn, Spikey! You can be my housewife!"

Cloud scowled quite fiercely, although Zack couldn't see this. "Shut up, ass."

The sound of the running water began and then the sound of the leather belts he wore unbuckling filled the apartment. They dropped to the ground and Cloud could hear Zack's moan of approval.

Blue eyes closed, his own content noise flowing from the depths of his throat at the sound Zack had made. A small burning sensation was developing in Cloud's groin, a memory of earlier that day ripping through his mind. His stomach turned into a rather impressive knot at the same time his cheeks turned to a rather impressive shade of red.

"Wanna join me?" Zack's voice was suddenly next to Cloud's ear, his breath caressing his heated skin.

And all the muscles in Cloud's body went into shock as those blue eyes opened to the sight of Zack standing in nothing but a towel slung lazily around his hips. "W-what!?" Cloud choked on the saliva that somehow made an unwanted trek into his airway. He began to cough violently, this all the while only making his face turn into a deeper shade.

Zack repeated himself, sounding quite serious about it.

"S-shower?" His voice squeaked out. "T-together?"

Zack glanced down to Cloud's lap, which was showing the stiff evidence of Zack's amorous question. Or perhaps it was there before he invited him into the shower. Either way, Zack was grinning down at the boy who looked a mixture of interest and fluster.

"T-that's not funny, Zack," Cloud said, his hand covering his mouth, but then went down to his erection to cover that instead, when he saw Zack's eyes lingering a little too long. "Please, stop staring."

A purr came from the SOLDIER as he squatted down next to Cloud who was shaking slightly on the couch. The towel around his waist opened with his knees that bent outwards and Cloud had to refrain from glancing out of curiosity. "You didn't mind my staring earlier," he said, his voice very low and seductive.

"Please. S-stop."

Zack stood, frowning down at him sympathetically. "Okay, I'm sorry."

Cloud realized that he might have offended Zack with his behavior once more. He forced himself to peel his gaze away from the void he was staring into, and looked up at Zack with eyes that lied with a smile. "I...already took one today, thank you," he said.

The man nodded a few times quietly as he turned. He entered the bathroom and was mentally kicking himself. He realized that he might have offended Cloud with his behavior once more.

Zack entered the shower, letting the hot water run down his tired body. His tired and aroused body. He admittedly was still quite turned on from the incident with the blond earlier that day. It helped him drive himself through his solemn day and gave him a reason to press on through the pain that enveloped his heart.

A moist tongue darted out and licked the lips that were longing to be back on Cloud. His mind couldn't tear away from the sharp yell of the boy that coursed through his ears as the boy came into his mouth with his needy thrusts. It made Zack's eyes flutter closed with a hint of a moan at the thought.

He was unaware that he was stroking himself.

"Zack?" Cloud's voice was like a slap to his senses.

He jumped, his hand stopping on his length as he suddenly realized what he was doing with Cloud in the apartment with him. He glanced down at himself and frowned. Going into this type of relationship with someone as troubled as Cloud, Zack knew that he was going to have to be patient. He truly cared for Cloud, and he would do whatever it took to make him comfortable. Even though Zack was getting a bit restless as of late with the teasing kisses they shared.

"Y-yeah?" Zack said, his voice quaking a bit. But that was remedied with a quick clear of his throat and a repeat of the word through the noise of the shower.

"Where did you put my shirt? I'm...cold."

_It's really warm in here...come join me._

"I hid it in the cabinet above the refrigerator."

"I can't reach that!"

"I know, that's why I did it."

Cloud just muttered something dejectedly to himself as he disappeared from the bathroom, leaving a rather nervous Zack standing in the shower. He had hoped his shadow cast through the shower curtain wasn't too noticeable as he had a _very noticeable_ erection in his hands.

After a few minutes of resisting pleasuring himself with the memory of being intimate with Cloud, Zack managed to calm himself – and his _other_ self – before finishing what he originally set out to do with his shower. He always enjoyed the smell of his shampoo. It was spicy; sultry. A nice balance to Cloud's fresh and liberating scent, he imagined.

Zack dried himself off slowly, a frown forming on his face. He wrapped his towel loosely around his waist, and scooped up his clothes that were covered in dirt. He poked his head out into the bathroom, and he could see the cabinet slightly ajar. He exited the bathroom, not bothering to dress himself fully.

He knew this would have violently embarrassed Cloud, if only he had bothered to stay.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirteen: Business Card

Ending Author's Note: Special thanks to Nekotsuki for beta'ing this chapter for me!


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Business Card

Chapter Thirteen: Business Card

* * *

Cloud frowned as he walked down the corridor near the chow hall. His shirt was wrinkled, as Zack had haphazardly tossed it into the cabinet, and now it smelled of dust and wood. He would get him back, somehow.

He entered the chow hall, surveying the line and the chalk-written menu. He wanted to bring Zack something hearty to eat for after his shower, as he seemed a bit somber and lethargic from the mission he had returned from.

Cloud walked past several members of his unit who were leaving, and they gave him friendly slaps on his shoulder, commending him on his rifle score from earlier that day. He had completely forgotten about his personal improvement from his previous score. He wondered if Zack had heard of it yet, as sometimes the man always seemed a step ahead of him, even when it came down to his own personal affairs. Cloud grabbed an empty tray and began the nerve-racking task of trying to guess what Zack would like to eat.

"Hello, Cloud." An oddly familiar voice cut through Cloud's mind as he sidestepped along in the chow line. Cloud turned, his heart skipping uncomfortably in his chest.

It was that blonde psychologist.

"H-hello, Ma'am," Cloud said through a mouth that hardly moved. His eyes darted against her gentle face as he swallowed hard. Why was she talking to him? And why was she here in the chow line with a horde of adrenaline-riddled men? She had a tray herself and had chosen nothing but a simple salad. Maybe she just liked to people-watch.

Her eyes glanced down to Cloud's tray and studied the choices he had picked, as if she were assembling in her mind a diagnosis about his psyche by food choice alone. She made him very nervous. But she just smiled at him as their eyes met once more. That made him especially nervous. "How have you been?"

Cloud looked to his right, hoping that the line would start moving a bit faster so he could flee from this conversation altogether, as he had a feeling that it was about to turn into more than a simple greeting in the cafeteria. But luck was not on Cloud's side as someone at the head of the line was arguing with another about taking the last pudding cup.

"I've been...okay." He cursed himself, as 'okay' was a rather open-ended statement, and this could allow for her to dissect said word a bit more. Perhaps he should have just lied and said: 'I'm peachy, lady. What of it?'

But she just continued to smile at him warmly, and shuffled alongside him in the line. "Glad to hear that. And glad to hear your voice, finally."

"Um...what?"

She gave a quiet laugh, her hand covering her mouth as if to punish her light-hearted reaction to his boyish confusion. "You didn't say much to me, last time we talked."

Cloud frowned.

"So speaking to me now is quite the improvement."

One step forward; two steps back. Cloud fell silent.

"I was disappointed to see that you didn't come to our scheduled appointment last week. You were supposed to come and see me. Did you forget?"

He just mumbled an apology. He hadn't forgotten; he'd deliberately avoided it.

"You can stop by my office any time you want, Cloud. Whenever you're comfortable."

"No, thank you," Cloud said, mumbling.

"We could talk about whatever you'd like. It doesn't have to be about anything in particular," she said, smiling at him still.

He figured out why she made him so uncomfortable at that moment. She reminded him of his mother. He missed her dearly, but like a lot of things in his life, he avoided her. "I...don't have anything to talk about."

She looked a bit disappointed after hearing this, but still held that benign expression on her face. "I understand."

Did she, really? Cloud just figured she was programmed to say that.

The line began to move and if it hadn't been for that, he would have bolted then. He loaded up several types of side dishes into the foam boxes on his tray, at this point not even wanting to take the time to think about what Zack would like. He just wanted to get away from the seemingly judgmental eyes of the psychologist. He stopped at the dessert section, and his hand hovered above two different flavors of gelatin cups.

_Crap. Cherry or--_

"Strawberry," she said.

"What?" Cloud peered at her with a dubious look on his face.

"He'll like the strawberry one."

His heart stopped dead in his chest, once more, and he cursed the woman and her uncanny ability to crawl so easily beneath his skin. He paused for several seconds, his hand beginning to shake above the gelatin cups. A bit ironic to be trembling like that over _gelatin_, of all things.

So he skipped the dessert.

After a few uncomfortable moments of silently shuffling beside each other, Cloud finally reached the cashier and was for once more than happy to pay for the expensive meals he had plated. Usually he hated paying for them as they were a bit pricey for the quality, but it seemed like a heavenly beacon in the darkness of the awkward encounter with this woman, and he happily obliged with the total price so long as it meant his ensuing escape.

"Wait, Cloud. Let me give you something," she said before he could make a hasty retreat back to the safety of the corridor.

He bristled at her voice, but found that his muscles obeyed her and he stopped, turning around slowly. His eyes were staring down into the pile of boxes in his hands. Whatever he had stacked on the bottom was piping hot, and he hoped that she would just hurry and give him whatever she was going to give him, so he could adjust the boxes promptly to prevent receiving a second degree burn caused by a lasagna.

His eyes, staring at the foam box, had to readjust as something thin and rectangular was placed on top of it.

"I feel that it would be in your best interest if you came and saw me, sometime."

He frowned down at her business card.

* * *

He had always hated the word 'monster', as Angeal had used it often to describe himself and his transformation. But Essai and Sebastian...

What they were turned into, there was really no other word that would be fitting.

'Ravens', he recalled, was what the Turk he was with on that fateful mission referred to them as. A result of yet another deranged and sick experiment conducted by yet another deranged and sick man of the world.

Zack's SOLDIER friends, Essai and Sebastian, had been captured by AVALANCHE in an attempt to mutate them into Ravens to fight in the ongoing battle against Shin-Ra. The result was Zack holding them in his arms as they died.

Zack grumbled in his sleep, turning on his side. He hardly ever dreamed as he slept, but when he did it was only in nightmares.

The front door was pushed open by a young blond who was performing a balancing act with foam boxes once more, albeit this time around it was a few less. His eyes fell upon Zack who was facing into the couch cushion, still wrapped in his towel.

Cloud's heart jumped in his chest as the sound of the door caused Zack to stir and the towel slipped off his body, revealing a nice view of his backside. Cloud nearly dropped the boxes onto his feet. His face was red, and almost as hot as the food in his hands. He set the boxes down onto the coffee table, and quickly picked up the fallen towel and threw it over Zack's waist, averting his eyes. He was not expecting to come back to find the SOLDIER asleep on the couch, let alone asleep and naked.

He turned his head back, and was a bit mortified that he had missed with the blind tossing of the towel. He hesitantly reached down, picking the towel back up from off his thigh where it had landed, and draped it slowly across his waist once more.

Zack stirred again, groaning. He murmured something that Cloud couldn't quite understand as he began to curl on the cushions.

Cloud walked around to the side of the couch and squatted down, resting his chin on the arm of the couch, watching Zack as his eyes squeezed tight. He was sweating lightly. "Zack?" Cloud whispered.

There was no response to his voice, only Zack's soft breathing against the leather could be heard.

Cloud frowned, reaching over the arm of the couch to touch Zack's face. He brushed a tender hand across his brow, and the touch seemed to relax him. This simple reaction to Cloud's caress made the blond feel a combination of awe and empowerment, and he continued his gentle movement along his skin.

Zack moaned softly, the eyes that were darting about frantically beneath his lids now slowing, his troubled mind as he slept being slipped away from the nightmare by Cloud's loving touch. He sighed then, pressing his head against Cloud's hand.

A warm smile crossed Cloud's face as he began to caress Zack. His fingers played into his black hair, running through the wet strands that clung to him, taking an amused interest as they began to perk up into its usual spiky style. He thought of how he'd pushed his hands into the man's hair earlier, as he ran his mouth along Cloud's stiff length...

Zack suddenly hummed a pleasurable noise, and then muttered the blond's name.

Cloud's hand stopped, and his face turned red. The noise was a very similar noise to the one he made when Cloud released into his mouth. Zack was smiling, and quite conveniently licked his lips as he slept.

Cloud mimicked him, eyes locked onto the sleeping man's face. His hand resumed its touch, which resumed the subtle yet sultry noises from Zack. He muttered his name once more. Cloud wasn't sure that he had really heard Zack saying his name, but it was confirmed when Zack repeated it a third time, and his lips mindlessly kissed Cloud's palm, which still rested against his face.

_Is he...dreaming about me?_

"Zack," Cloud said, his voice firm. As much as he didn't want to wake the man, he could hear his stomach growling rather loudly as he slept.

"Is that lasagna I smell?" he said, groggily, catching Cloud off guard. Zack hadn't even stirred when his senses were roused by Cloud's voice and touch.

Cloud stifled a laugh, pressing his mouth up against the arm of the couch.

"Uh huh."

"Why're...you laughing at me?" He finally rolled onto his back, opening his eyes to see Cloud hovering above him. He hadn't noticed when the towel slipped off and landed onto the floor.

Cloud noticed this, however, and his face reflected his embarrassment. He put his head down into the arm of the couch. "N-no reason. B-brought you some dinner..." Zack sat up, too groggy to realize how exposed he was, or how bashful Cloud was because of it.

Cloud lifted his head slightly, his eyes flickering down to Zack's backside before he turned and swung his legs over the side. Zack grunted softly, realizing he was naked, and quickly grabbed the towel on the ground and draped it across his lap.

"Sorry, Cloud," he mumbled.

"N-no, it's okay." Cloud stood quickly and began opening the boxes for him. "Got some good stuff tonight."

"I love Friday's menu. Especially the strawberry gelatin."

Cloud pursed his lips together and shot Zack a very amusingly shamed look. "Oh...well...about that."

"Uh oh," Zack said, already tossing a fork into the nearest box. "Forgot the dessert?"

"May...be..." Cloud said, almost in a sing-song way.

"I'll have to find _something else_ for dessert, then."

Cloud knew the meaning of that innuendo, but he played innocent. "I can go back and get you something before the chow hall closes. I think I have a few minutes."

A chuckle flowed from Zack's throat as he stuffed in a rather impressive forkful of lasagna. "No," he said, once swallowing, "you stay right here." He watched as Cloud bit his bottom lip, not out of shame, but possibly from the thoughts that Zack could see running around behind his eyes. They were most likely the same thoughts behind his.

They both stared at each other, almost uncomfortably, for several moments before Cloud cleared his throat and looked away.

"You must be tired from your mission. I should probably go..."

"I'd really like you to stay for a bit longer," Zack said, frankly. "If it's the lack of clothes that's bothering you, I can--"

Cloud cut him off, looking at the door longingly. "It's not that."

_Oh so it's not a problem? _Zack tried to suppress the grin that threatened to surface on his face over this thought. "Talk to me, Cloud." He patted the spot on the couch next to him, and watched as Cloud's muscles twitched as if his body were trying to urge him to comply with Zack's enticing gesture.

He really did want to stay with Zack, but he was unable to control his natural urge to run in a situation like this. "No, I'm okay right here."

"C'mon." His voice took a higher pitched tone, soothing. It was almost baby talk, and this Cloud was very surprised to hear coming from such a man. It apparently did the trick as Cloud found himself joining the SOLDIER on the couch. Zack had a look of accomplishment over this. He immediately scooted closer to the nervous boy, after he set his dinner down onto the table in front of him.

"N-not hungry?"

"I'll get to that in a minute." His arm wrapped around Cloud's shoulder and pulled him into his chest. "You're a bit more important than dinner." He couldn't stop the smoldering look in his eyes from showing. The thought of the blond had plagued him all day; it was maddening.

Cloud struggled for a moment in his arms, but eventually realized that Zack wasn't about to let him go, once more. "A-about tomorrow..."

"I have a few places in mind for us," Zack said lowly, dipping his head down and brushing his lips against Cloud's. "Don't worry about that." A brief thought of being too forward with Cloud crossed his mind, and he paused his actions. But when Cloud's lips pressed back --perhaps more forceful than Zack's had been-- he resumed his tender advances.

A small moan came from Cloud, despite his outward stiffness during their sensual moment. "Z-Zack," he said, through their moving lips.

Zack just hummed an ambiguous reply as he pushed his tongue into Cloud's mouth, as if he were quieting him. Which was far from the truth, however, as Zack was hoping to rile up more of those wonderful noises from the blond that just ignited his lust so easily.

Cloud could taste the lasagna in Zack's mouth, and he began to feel hungry, not realizing he hadn't really eaten much that day. What a strange time to realize it. Of course, he could tell how hungry Zack was, as his stomach still grumbled angrily. And, of course, he could tell how _hungry _Zack was, as the towel across his lap was no longer laying flatly.

They kissed slowly, and Zack probed at Cloud's uncomfortable demeanor with his tongue, allowing his hands to roam across the boy's body. He started at his shoulders, passing down his spine in a light touch that caused him to release one of those noises into Zack's mouth. Then they skimmed up to his face, and he pulled away almost reluctantly.

Cloud began to speak, but stopped as his head was forcefully turned to the side, and Zack's mouth was suddenly latched onto his earlobe. Cloud wiggled, and twisted against him, the feeling a bit shocking to him at first. He soon found himself smiling as Zack's tongue entered his ear, and he could hear Zack's breath against his hearing. He laughed quietly, but this was followed by a moan as his tongue passed along each ridge in his ear. His body just seemed to melt.

_I think I found his weakness! _Zack continued zealously, pushing Cloud's hair out of the way to gain better access. He had to wrap one arm back around his shoulders once more as Cloud began to slump into the couch beside him. With each breath that Zack released into the blond's ear, it caused a shudder to rack through his weakening body. He soon became invalid, his eyes fluttering closed, his muscles non-existent.

This just caused Zack to purr and pull him onto his lap. Cloud willingly followed, sliding onto him mindlessly. He could feel Zack's hard erection against his own, and Cloud pressed himself into it.

Zack released his first moan of the night, pulling his head away from Cloud's ear to momentarily enjoy the feeling, as the thin towel didn't do a very good job at blocking the sensation. He gripped his arms around Cloud's shoulders, slowly thrusting against his body, wanting so badly for the towel to be gone, and for Cloud's clothes to be gone as well. And this showed in his face as his teeth were gritted, and his eyes were reflecting what almost could have been mistaken for anger, if Cloud wasn't so sure that it was lust.

"Don't tease me like that, unless you plan on doing something about it," Zack muttered, nipping at Cloud's throat.

"I...can't help it," Cloud said as he tilted his head back, allowing Zack to have full access to his neck. His face felt incredibly warm, his vision blurred up at the ceiling as Zack purred once more against him.

"I like it, when you can't help it. Like how you were earlier." He nipped at him again, his hands beginning to tug at Cloud's shirt. "You enjoyed it, right?"

Cloud didn't respond. He was too embarrassed at this point by Zack's comments. His body did the responding, however, as he grinded himself against Zack's lap once more.

_Maybe...with a little coaxing. _Zack grasped Cloud's hands that were stiffly pressed against the back of the couch on either side of Zack's body. He urged them down, placing them carefully on his lower stomach. Zack just couldn't help it.

Cloud stiffened, whimpering in protest, but when Zack released his hands, they remained dangerously close to his erection. Zack squirmed beneath Cloud's weight, as if silently telling him to grab hold.

And he did.

A nervous bottom lip was retracted between his teeth, as a nervous hand slowly began to stroke Zack's arousal through the towel. Zack groaned, his stomach flinching from the sensation. The first touch was always the most sensitive. He continued apprehensively, and Zack watched with amused interest as his face began to turn bright with embarrassment.

After a few relatively silent moments, only interrupted by the occasional pleased grunt from the SOLDIER, Cloud's movements became more relaxed, more sensual. With their eyes locked on each other, Zack cautiously began to remove the towel that was keeping him from feeling the softness of Cloud's warm hand.

"N-now what?" Cloud said, as his eyes trembled, refraining from glancing down to Zack's lap. He blindly felt for the stiff member and wrapped his hand around it, his gaze never leaving Zack's.

"Well..." Zack cleared his throat, as his voice came out a bit shaky through his quickening breath. "Y-you can do whatever you feel comfortable doing." Of course, he was hoping for Cloud's mouth, but his hand did feel quite good.

Cloud just stayed still, his eyebrows slowly rising on his worried face. His tongue darted out and moistened his lips as a few thoughts were tumbling around inside his head. Zack tried to read into his facial expressions, but when Cloud remained inanimate, he decided to help.

He wrapped his hand around Cloud's tenderly, and slowly began to move their hands together along his member. "Like this..."

Cloud nodded, and at first he seemed reluctant with his taut muscles in his hand, but soon as Zack's eyes fluttered closed from pleasure, Cloud continued on his own. He watched as with each stroke of his hand, it caused the SOLDIER to become more and more limber beneath him.

"Am I doing this okay?" Cloud said as his hand began to move faster along.

Zack just groaned in reply, his head falling onto the back of the couch. His hands slipped onto Cloud's thighs and gripped him tightly, wanting a bit more than just his hand. But he calmed himself, as he could still feel a slight tremble though the boy.

Cloud took this opportunity to lean forward, after mustering a bit of courage, and he began to kiss Zack's exposed throat. He could feel the man gasp against his lips as he kissed him down from his jawline to the crook in his neck.

Fingers began to dig into Cloud's thighs, as Zack's teeth began to grind in building frustration. He thrust his hips into Cloud's hand, and could no longer restrain the growl that had been threatening to be released. "Cloud," he said, breathlessly. "Please."

Cloud pulled away, but kept his hand moving between them. "D-did I do something wrong?"

"No, feels good..." he trailed off, contemplating just being outright with him and telling him how much he wanted to be sucked off by those lips he loved so much. Ever since Cloud had been dangerously close to his groin the day he helped him bandage his thigh, the image of the blond between his legs was never too far off from his mind. It was beginning to become somewhat of a fantasy for him.

_Don't scare him, you idiot._

Of course, Zack was never quite good at connecting his thoughts with the actual words that came from his mouth, at times. "Can you use your mouth?"

_...You idiot._

"Really...? Uh..." His hand stopped. "H-how...do I...I mean, where do I..."

Zack squeezed his eyes shut, angry at himself. "Sorry, never mind what I had said..."

"No, it's okay," Cloud whispered, and Zack could feel him beginning to slide off his lap and onto the cushions next to him. "I'll...try."

Zack flinched once more as the boy's hand again grasped him. He forced his eyes to stay open, watching as those soft lips were moistened once more before the tip of his member was brought to them. His heart began to slam into his chest, his stomach began to flutter in excitement. And each nerve in his body tensed, waiting for that hot mouth to consume him.

Then a fearful noise came from his lap, however, and the nerves in his body gave up on themselves, and ceased to stand at attention.

"What's wrong?" Zack asked, his voice concerned.

"I'm sorry, Zack. I can't do this!" Cloud released Zack's erection and sprang to his feet. "N-not right now."

"Cloud, it's okay," Zack began, draping the towel back over his lap. "Come here, it's okay."

"N-no...none of this is okay. We...shouldn't be doing this."

Zack got to his feet, wrapping the towel around himself as Cloud rushed to the front door. "Cloud, please," he pleaded softly as he grabbed Cloud's wrist before he could open the door.

Cloud tugged on his arm, but Zack wasn't about to release him. "Zack, let me go."

"If you want to leave, that's fine, Cloud. I'll wait for you."

Cloud stopped struggling, and his blue eyes flickered up to Zack's. He went to speak, but Zack pulled him into a kiss. He whimpered briefly in resistance, but soon joined in.

Zack pulled away. "Will I still see you tomorrow?"

Cloud opened the door and slipped out, giving Zack a quick glance. "Yeah...maybe." And it was shut behind him as he left.

Zack sighed to himself and headed towards the bathroom, while tearing off the towel around his waist. He hadn't bothered to dress himself after his first shower, as he'd had a feeling he was going to need _another_ shower that night, whether or not Cloud had stayed.

Particularly, a cold one.

* * *

There was a haze of cigarette smoke around the barracks. It was thick and suffocating. It reminded him of when Mejia had assaulted him.

"Hey, kid."

Cloud jumped at the voice, and his hand failed to grasp onto the door handle of the barracks. He whipped around, his eyes wide.

"Settle down, it's just me." Graves approached Cloud after he extinguished his cigarette against the ground with his boot.

"What do you want?" Cloud wasn't in the mood to deal with this man. He still looked fired up from the scuffle with Ratcliff.

"Why'dja run off earlier?"

"I didn't feel like listening to your shit," Cloud said, his voice carrying a very venomous tone.

Graves' eyes narrowed at Cloud. "Not everythin' I say is shit, Cloud. Ya know I'm right about Elici."

"Get to your point."

The man frowned; the look he was giving Cloud was almost a look of humility. His gold eyes glanced away from Cloud as he growled softly. "I jus'..."

_...Is Graves apologizing?_

"Shit Cloud, I didn't wanna believe it..."

_...It was a nice thought..._

"After what that fuck did to ya...it's not that far off to think that he'd kill 'im."

A scraping noise came from Cloud's mouth as he began to clench his teeth in annoyance. "I'm going inside. I don't feel like continuing this conversation with you."

"Why ya bein' a lil' bitch?"

Cloud paused as he reached for the door handle. He wanted to tell Graves all the reasons why this particular conversation was bothering him. He wanted to say that each time Mejia's name was mentioned, a sharp pain developed in his head at the memory of that night and was preventing him from continuing his growing relationship with Zack. He wanted to tell him that for each time Elici's name was mentioned, he had to bury the painful tears that begged for release on his face. And he wanted to tell Graves that he should stop concentrating on _how_ Elici died, but to concentrate on the life that Elici had lived and shared with them as their friend.

"Fuck off, Graves," was all he was able to say, in the end.

Graves watched in silence as Cloud entered the barracks, shutting the heavy door behind him. With a brief frown, Graves heaved the seabag he had leaning up against the wall of the barracks, and swung it over his shoulder.

"Yeah...see ya later, Cloud."

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Fourteen: Train Tracks.

Ending Author's Note: Special thanks to Nekotsuki for beta'ing this chapter for me!

EDIT (05-04-10): The wonderful Djali has created a beautiful and nosebleed-worthy piece for this chapter! Copy and paste the following link into your browser, remove the spaces and enjoy!

http: // kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Business-Card-162903569


	14. Chapter Fourteen: Train Tracks

Chapter Fourteen: Train Tracks

* * *

"I swear, Graves, you _will_ face a court-martial for that." Elici watched with eyes that attempted to penetrate Graves' common sense, and penetrate through what little conscience the man actually had.

The large man growled, the thunderous and intimidating noise rippling through the cave. "Don't be a douche, Elici. They won't notice if one stupid materia is missin' from the rest."

Elici replied with quite a formidable growl of his own. "You really have no shame, do you Graves?"

"Can't say that I do," Graves said nonchalantly. He pocketed the glowing materia into his uniform without a single ounce of hesitation.

There was an eerie silence that fell upon the group, and only the sound of moisture dripping from the stalactites in the cave could be heard. The men shuffled a bit as they stood watching each other; the air was becoming thick between both Elici and Graves.

"Guys, can we please not start this right now, yeah?" Ratcliff rubbed his eyes from beneath his issued helmet. Sometimes the two caused a rather impressive migraine to form. "Mejia will notice if there's one missing from the collection. He's been keeping track of the ones we find, Graves."

"Shaddup, Ratcliff. Stay outta this." Graves adjusted his assault rifle over his shoulder. "Mejia didn't see shit. That fuck's up ahead with Strife, probably barkin' his damn head off at the kid."

"I will report this," Elici said, his voice firm.

"Ya ain't gonna say shit, bro."

With gritted teeth, Elici narrowed his eyes at the man who seemed so confident in his loyalty to him. Elici's loyalty to the company delved a bit deeper into his sense of morals, however. "I'm going to say this one more time, _bro. _Put the damn materia back, or I will report you to Mejia."

"Ya need to loosen the fuck up, Elici." Graves closed in the gap between Elici and himself with a single stride. Elici stiffened, tugging down his uniform blouse before stepping forward, coming nose to nose connected with Graves.

Ratcliff stood and watched. He shifted, uncertain of how to react to the confrontation that was forming. "You know, if I wasn't so sure you two were fighting, this would be really hot, yeah."

"Shut up, Ratcliff!" they both said in unison, their gaze never leaving each other.

"Well, I tried, yeah. Don't expect me to clean up the blood afterwards." Ratcliff sighed dejectedly, and sat himself down on a boulder to watch the impending fight. He had lost count of how many fights he'd had to break up between these two, and was now becoming numb to them. It would be considered a strange day if the two _didn't_ get into some sort of argument. At times, he'd picture them to be an old married couple bickering, to help through the intensity of the fight. But after a while, this mental image about the two began to sour his perception on marriage.

He wished that Mejia had paired himself with Cloud, as he was much more pleasant to be around compared to these men; _barbarians,_ as he would often refer to them as. Ratcliff never fared well against such short fuses.

And these fuses were lit, and crawling dangerously close to the blasting cap of their anger. Shoulders were squared; chests were puffed out in a show of bravado and testosterone; jaws were clenched and prominent.

"Sometimes I wonder if ya even consider me as a friend. Ya'd narc on me any chance ya got, wouldn't ya?"

"I don't have to explain myself to you, Graves. When I'm in this uniform, I answer to no one but Shin-Ra."

"Yer such a fuckin' tool."

"Speaking of _tools_, we are under orders right now, yeah?"

"Shut up, Ratcliff!" Once again, this was said in unison.

Ratcliff began to bounce his leg nervously; agitated.

"I fuckin' bet, if it came down to it, ya'd never have my back, would ya?"

Elici scoffed, turning his head to peer at Graves even more closely, attempting to intimidate the larger man, although not even Sephiroth himself could probably cause a ripple in this man's – sometimes unnecessary – blind courage. "Yes, and that's why you're gonna put that goddamn materia back. I'm only trying to protect you."

"Fuck you, Elici, that ain't havin' my back. Sorry excuse for a friend."

A very slow and steady breath was released through Elici's nose, and his shoulders began to sink. He was obviously trying not to get caught up in Graves' rather persuasive emotions. He backed down.

"Ya ain't got nuffin' ta say?"

"Guys, seriously. Stop this, yeah?" Ratcliff got to his feet quickly as Graves once again closed the gap that Elici tried to make, in hopes of deterring him from causing a very physical confrontation.

They squared off, once more. Arms began to rise, and stances were widened.

A burst of gunfire tore through the thick silence in the materia cave, followed by Cloud yelling out in pain. A new course of anger flashed through Graves' face as he turned on his heels and ran ahead, sliding his assault rifle off his shoulders. There was a momentary look of relief in Elici's face, before it was ultimately taken over by concern as a series of pained groans continued.

"What the fuck happened!?" Graves stopped, his eyes widening as Cloud lay on the ground of the cave, curled up in a fetal position and lying in a puddle of his own blood.

Mejia stood by casually, smoking a cigarette.

* * *

A rhythmic and rapid thump resonated throughout swaying surroundings. The air was stale; it smelled of years of constant use and repetitive journeys. The scenery flashed by through the hazy windows, revealing the moving city in the early morning. The faint droning of the engine scratched at the long forgotten dream, rousing a passenger who lay on the awkward and uncomfortable seat.

_Dreamin' of the damn past. I must be gettin' old._

Graves sat up, groaning at the stiff feeling in his neck. The gentle rocking of the train had lulled him into an unwanted slumber and, before he realized it, it was early morning.

With a hiss, the locomotive pulled itself to a stop at the Sector Seven station, and the occupants began to collect themselves and their belongings to depart. Wary eyes glanced to a Shin-Ra infantryman who was standing by the door, waiting for it to open. He had a look of excitement on his face; he was possibly visiting a loved one in this sector.

_Must be a nice feelin'. _Graves stood, pulling his seabag over his shoulder, waiting for the conductor to secure the train on the tracks. He saw the infantryman look over his way, and Graves turned away slightly, uncomfortably.

The doors opened and the passengers filed out silently into the brisk morning. Each person went their separate ways, continuing their own lives far away from the monotonous journey of the train. Graves exited, filling his large chest with the air beneath the plate. It was just as stale as the air inside the train.

Graves began to walk toward the heart of Sector Seven. Smoke began to rise from the rickety chimneys of the homes of the townsfolk, and the streets began to fill with a mixture of groggy and dejected people heading off to making a living in the slums of Midgar.

He had been walking through the sector, his ears picking up the sound of footsteps behind him. He glanced over his shoulder, his dark eyebrows raising at the infantryman who walked a few yards behind.

"Mornin'," the man said.

Graves nodded to him, adjusting his seabag over his shoulder.

"You live in this sector?"

"What's it to ya?" Graves stopped walking, turning to face the man.

The infantryman reached Graves, but stopped a few feet away, as if intimidated by him. "You look familiar. Was just wondering if you were from the same sector as me."

Graves frowned, pursing his lips together in an almost irritated manner. "Nah, I dun live 'ere. Just vistin' someone."

The man paused for a moment, a quizzical look forming on his face. "I swear I've seen you before."

Silence hovered over them, and Graves glanced ahead to the heart of the sector. He could see the 7th Heaven in the distance. The lights were flickering warmly through the windows.

"I know! You're in Kunsel's unit, aren't you? I thought I recognized you."

"I dunno what yer talkin' 'bout."

The man frowned at Graves, shocked. "Really? You...you're not in Shin-Ra?"

Graves scoffed, brushing a thumb across his lips as if to prevent himself from showing any sort of emotion as he spoke. "Nah man, I ain't with the Shin-Ra."

* * *

Muscles were burning, his mind was silent. Labored yet constricted breaths were being released through gritted teeth. Sweat was trickling down warmed skin, trying to cool the heated body during the strenuous activity. There was a constant metallic clank sounding from each corner of the large room, and sounds of men reacting to the harsh movements they were enduring mixed between.

Cloud mounted the heavy weight with a quiet grunt. He had no spotter, as Graves was usually the one standing behind him and observing. Graves usually barked out a flourish of encouraging words and demoralizing insults that oddly enough blended together into a rather motivating speech for the young blond. He was able to muster forth the strength and stamina needed to finish the reps with Graves as his spotter, but now, without him, Cloud only managed a fraction of what he normally could handle.

He hadn't slept much the night before, as his behavior with Zack was heavy on his mind. But what had been eating away at him more was his encounter with Graves. He had felt guilty over telling him off, and he wanted to apologize to him. But the man had run off for the night - probably in search of a good time in the town - and he failed to return back to the barracks in the morning.

It wasn't all that unusual for Graves to be skipping out on his assigned punishment. Cloud assumed that Graves was just expecting Ratcliff to cover for him, and he was probably right. Ratcliff was a man to easily and quickly forgive anyone, and would more than likely take the heat for a friend in a heartbeat.

Cloud on the other hand, wasn't so quick to forgive. He was still a bit angered at Graves for his actions and his words, but Cloud decided it best to make amends with the man as, well, Graves had been right.

He didn't want to think about it. He tried so hard to forget the obvious evidence that lay itself out in front of him in a spread of truth and verity over Elici's death. It all seemed to piece together so well that it was quite undeniable that Mejia had planned the entire thing.

Mejia had always been a bit loose; a bit unstable in his actions. He had been court-martialed on several occasions for his recklessness and disregard for the safety of his unit. At first he was required to attend a few training courses, attempting to retrain him in leadership, but it seemed a wasted effort for such a degenerate SOLDIER.

He would order men who weren't strong enough into the most dire situations with nary a bullet, nor strong materia to protect them. His detached and warped views on how these men were just as disposable as the monsters they fared against were apparent when he would leave men behind, or just stand and watch someone struggle with a creature that was too strong. It was like a dog fight - taking mental bets with himself on who would win.

Cloud knew this was all too true. He wasn't quite sure how the man was still enlisted in the army, without being already stripped of rank and thrown in the brig, by now. He had heard a rumor going around that he was from a family with money, and often used that to get himself out of situations with the Brass. Shin-Ra loved their money, whether it be rightfully earned or extorted, clean, or dirty. In the end, it was the same color, and spent the same, no matter what.

"That's all the reps you can handle?"

Cloud jumped at the familiar voice, his head coming inches from crashing into the weight's handle bar that stretched above him. He peeled his eyes open, unaware that they had even closed during his musing.

Zack stood above him, a towel slung across his neck. Beads of sweat lightly rolled across his skin, soaking into the rather tight tank he wore. It didn't leave his muscles much room to breathe, as it was clinging against every one of them. He was smiling gently.

"H-how long have you been here?" Cloud slowly sat up, his own muscles wishing to breathe, but only because of exhaustion.

"For a while," Zack said, grinning now. "Had to burn off the lasagna from last night."

"O-oh." Cloud hung his head slightly, but his eyes were still on Zack's.

"Of course, there could have been _other _ways for me to burn those calories off." Zack's voice was heavy with such obvious wanton that Cloud couldn't help but grimace at it. He turned as red as the jersey shirt he wore, and his eyebrows knitted.

"That's not funny," he muttered, glancing around to see if anyone was in earshot.

Zack seemed unfazed. "Want me to spot you?"

"No." Cloud swung his legs over the side to stand. He could no longer look at Zack, as guilt over the previous night began to rear its ugly – and all too familiar – head. "I'm done."

Zack was tempted to frown, but he continued to smile warmly at the blond, albeit Cloud was looking away. "You hittin' the showers now?"

Cloud paused silently. He shivered as he could feel his own sweat running down the side of his neck. He hated the feeling of sweat on his body, and he longed to wash it away in the shower. A meek glance over, and Zack looked almost eager for his answer. Cloud wondered what the man could possibly gain from sharing a public shower with him.

And if he really wanted to take a shower with Zack, he should have done it the night before when the man originally offered. Cloud then wondered what taking a shower together would achieve, anyway. Two grown men standing in a tight area trying to cleanse themselves? They'd be fighting for the single shower head, they'd be bumping into each other while washing; it didn't seem practical.

Cloud was unaware that his body was unconsciously reacting to the thoughts in his head.

_Oh. That's why..._ Cloud was too naïve at times, and he hated himself for it. He was thankful that he was wearing loose shorts.

"Cloud?"

Cloud realized that he had been silent for quite some time. He hadn't seen when Zack had walked around and sat next to him. Zack was on the end, straddling the bench, and he had his hands in front of his lap as he leaned forward. He had a childish yet flirtatious look to his face; it made Cloud uncomfortable.

"N-no, I'm just gonna grab one back at the barracks," he said, clumsily.

"Breakfast then?"

"A-already ate."

"Lunch then?"

"I don't know..."

"Well, we have to do _something_ on our first date, otherwise it's not a date."

"Oh hell." Cloud covered his face with his hands; he could smell the metal from the weight machines he had been using all morning. "Ratcliff got to you, didn't he?"

Zack laughed, causing several people to look over at them. It was a rather interesting sight, seeing the SOLDIER 1st Class sitting next to an infantryman on a weight bench. One was smiling, with a hopeful look, and the other burying his face in his hands with a suspiciously red glow to his skin.

"I may have run into him in the halls, yes. He said he and Graves couldn't make it, so he wanted us just to enjoy our _date _together in privacy." Zack began to bounce up and down on the bench. "So c'mon Cloud, just say yes." He was almost whining.

Cloud growled, shifting warily on the seat as it began to shift beneath him during Zack's excited bouncing. "Knock that off."

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!"

A very interesting sight, indeed.

"Fine! Just stop doing that!" Cloud jumped to his feet, unable to fight the smile that tugged onto his face.

Zack followed, swinging around the blond to stand in front of him, almost as if he were to block him from running away. Maybe it was to see the rare smile he had that was formed from true feelings. Cloud was never one to give into his feelings that easily, and when he did, his smile was truly bliss to Zack, no matter now small.

"Great! So you'll agree to breakfast, lunch, dinner, and," he said, leaning in close, "dessert, perhaps?" There was that suggestive tone again. But this time, Cloud just laughed.

"Maybe one of those first three. The fourth, you're on your own."

Zack glanced off to the side, briefly frowning. "Yeah, tell me about it," he muttered jokingly, and yet a hint of actuality came through. He did take that second shower, after Cloud had left.

Although Zack had spoken quietly, it was meant for Cloud to hear it. Cloud began to shake his head vigorously. "N-no, that's not what I meant. I just don't like sweets, remember?"

Zack chuckled, placing a hand on his shoulder casually. But the gentle squeeze went unseen by the others who were glancing at them. "I know, I remember." He lowered his voice, leaning into him. "Don't worry about last night, okay? It's nothing to avoid me over."

Cloud was a bit mortified over him saying this, but he just nodded his head wordlessly. He felt as if he had double standards, and it bothered him. They were intimate. Zack displayed his feelings for him in this act, only to have Cloud run off scared when it came down to returning the affection. He was ashamed of himself, and he only wondered how Zack felt, despite those encouraging and selfless words.

"It wasn't fair for you," Cloud blurted, a bit loudly.

Zack was quiet for a moment. "Let's...talk somewhere else, okay?"

* * *

The elevator ride was silent, besides Cloud's uncomfortable shifting. Whether it was from the conversation to come, or the actual ride of the elevator, Zack wasn't sure. The cart stopped on the sixty-first floor, and they exited into the large lounging area.

Cloud followed Zack to a round table, but nearly walked into him as he abruptly stopped.

Zack paused, inspecting the table without a single word. He chuckled to himself and decided to go to another table towards the center of the area. He sat down, grinning widely at the blond who looked almost reluctant in joining him.

"Why'd you change tables?" Cloud slipped into the wooden chair across from Zack.

"I figured you'd want to sit next to the tree." He motioned to the large indoor tree that stemmed from the floor in the center of the arrangement of tables. "I'm right, right?"

Cloud looked a mixture of fluster, and amusement. "Y-yeah. It's...nice." He began sheepishly playing with the drawstrings on his workout shorts.

"Reminds you of home, right?"

More playing, more tugging. If he pulled any harder on those strings, he'd either rip them off, or draw them so tight, he'd squeeze off the blood flow to his lower extremities. "You don't see many trees around Midgar," he said quietly, almost defensively.

"It reminds me of home, too," Zack said.

They looked at each other, both slowly grinning.

"Too bad it's fake," Cloud said.

They laughed heartily together.

But after a few moments, they both quieted once more. They sat, staring at one another while employees buzzed about them, taking up seats nearby and enjoying either eating a meal, or conversing with each other about how they either loved their job, or hated it. It was hard to be neutral, working for a company like Shin-Ra.

"Talk to me, Cloud," Zack said, almost a whisper. He leaned forward, tempted to take Cloud's hand in his own, if it wasn't so occupied twirling those damned strings around his fingers. He was bouncing a knee underneath the table.

"I'm sorry, Zack. For...last night."

Zack's head suddenly dropped to the tabletop.

"Zack!?"

"Dammit, Cloud! You said the bad word!"

"I didn't swear!"

"No, Moogle Brain, the _other_ bad word."

_Moogle Brain? What the...?_

"Oh...I just...I'll...try next time. I just wasn't...ready yet..."

"It's okay, Cloud, I told you I'd wait for you. I just don't want you to apologize."

Cloud's hands stopped their fidgeting, and fell to rest on his lap. What was he supposed to say, other than an apology? He had strung Zack along, building up the tension between them, only to run away with his tail between his legs. He was still frightened of the feelings he had. He was confused, intimidated. He had never had anything like that done to him before, and certainly he had never done that to anyone before, either. Everything had been happening so quickly with Zack that he barely had time to process a single thought in his head.

Since the incident with Mejia, Cloud felt it harder than ever to have confidence in himself. With the occasional jackass that made some sort of stupid comment to him about the molestation, or the nightmares that found their way randomly into his head while he slept, he just couldn't seem to find his bearings on his already unstable reality.

And then with the death of Elici, he began to reach out to the few who remotely cared about him. Ratcliff was good support, always smiling and sharing his wisdom and patience with him. Graves was a good source of entertaining distraction, when he wasn't screaming about getting some sort of revenge on Mejia for killing their friend, but that began to weigh heavy on Cloud's psyche. To hear his rantings increase over the past few days made it hard for Cloud to be around him.

And then there was Zack.

His arms were always open for Cloud, even prior to these incidents. Ever confident, ever encouraging, Zack's will seemed to seep into Cloud's faltering constitution, filling him with acceptance and recognition of not just a comrade, but as a human being as well. When they battled alongside each other, Zack treated him as an equal, as a partner. He was quick to critique, never criticize. He was the first to inspire, and the last to discourage.

And as a friend, he thrived to show Cloud such a pure geniality that Cloud feared he would never be able to share in return. Even the benign smile that that he gave the young blond, Cloud felt that he would never be able to match. He almost felt undeserving of Zack's affection, and wondered why the man would possibly waste all his efforts and compassion on someone like him.

"Chocobo?"

"What?" Cloud looked around. "Where? In here?" He shifted in his chair, glancing over the entire room suspiciously.

Zack threw his head back, laughing. "No! You."

"What?" He whirled back around in his seat to look at Zack dubiously.

"I'm calling you Chocobo," Zack said so seriously.

"What happened to 'Moogle Brain'?"

"That's only when you do or say something silly."

Cloud sat for a moment, stewing over this. "Wait...what's with the nicknames all of the sudden?"

Zack leaned forward in his seat, his voice lowering to a soothing tone, much like the previous night. It was nearly baby-talk once again, and it caused Cloud's stomach to tighten. "Well, I gotta call you something since you know...we're kinda together."

_Together...? _Cloud swallowed hard. "W-why can't you just call me 'Cloud'?" He bowed his head, his voice barely a whisper. His heart was screaming inside his chest over Zack's choice of words. It was surreal to hear.

"Because that's not as fun as calling you by a nickname."

"Well...I don't like it."

"Aw c'mon!" Zack began to scoot his chair next to him. "Serious? You're gonna take that from me?"

"I'm not taking anything from you. I just don't want to be called that," Cloud said, shifting away from Zack as he neared.

"Then what?"

"'Cloud'."

Zack groaned, his head once more finding a place against the tabletop. "You're no fun."

Cloud smiled faintly at Zack's muffled, and rather dejected voice. "Tell you what- you can call me something, but I have to approve of it."

"Great, then I'll never be able to give you a nickname. You'll never approve of anything."

"Exactly."

Zack pinched Cloud's thigh underneath the table. "Moogle Brain."

Cloud yelped, the pinch unexpected, especially in such a public place. "Shit! What the hell was that for, Zack!?"

Several people turned to look at them. Cloud was going to have to get used to people looking when he was with Zack. Whether it was from the fact that Zack was well known and popular or the fact that Zack always did something to cause people to look when they were together, he was sure to gain unwanted attention. And yet, Cloud was still smiling.

Zack began to caress Cloud's thigh beneath the table, almost as if to soothe the area he pinched. "So, dinner tonight?"

Cloud nodded, his eyes staring down at the table, but he couldn't hold back the excitement from showing in his eyes.

"Any ideas?" He gave Cloud's thigh a tight squeeze. How he wanted to be holding him right now. "We can try sneaking in a bar."

Cloud frowned briefly, but nodded his head. "I-if you want..."

Zack sighed heavily then, his hand ceasing to move on Cloud's leg. He frowned at the blond then, and their eyes met slowly. Cloud had a look of guilt and apprehension on his face. "Cloud, did you...feel forced to please me last night because I did it to you?"

Silence.

"...Cloud, please. Just be honest with me," Zack pleaded softly.

"...Yes," Cloud whispered.

Zack nodded his head mindlessly several times, his hand slipping off of Cloud's leg. "I...thought so."

Cloud looked away, ashamed.

"Please don't think you have to do things for the sole purpose of making me happy. Don't force yourself to do something that you're not comfortable doing for my sake."

Cloud turned back to Zack, his blue eyes crawling up to meet the deep gaze of the SOLDIER. "But...wouldn't you do it for me?"

Zack was, for once, silent.

"I didn't mean to lead you on last night. I...really want to try _that_...but...this all just seems so strange."

Zack chuckled lightly, his hand returning to its place on Cloud's leg. This caused Cloud to smile, albeit weakly. The touch sent a small shiver through his body as Zack's hand was warm against his skin. "Don't you think I know that? I'm just as shell shocked as you are about all of this."

"Doesn't it bother you? Don't you think it's a little wrong?"

Zack thought for a moment, rubbing circles on Cloud's leg absentmindedly. "It doesn't bother me one bit. In fact, I'm excited."

"Excited..." Cloud mumbled, looking away again.

"And if it was wrong, do you think someone as smart and confident as Ratcliff would be the same way? He certainly doesn't think it's wrong."

"Yeah..." The smile returned to Cloud's face again, gaining strength.

Cloud really did adore Ratcliff, Zack could tell. He was glad he used him as an Ace in the Hole. Actually, he was glad Ratcliff had suggested he used him as said Ace in the Hole if Cloud were to ever second guess himself when it came to being with another man. Zack was actually glad he knew Ratcliff at this point, because he was a never-ending source of knowledge when it came to this sort of stuff. Zack wanted to talk to him further today, but he had to get to his duties cleaning the Heads. He didn't care, he had said. Cleaning allowed him to get his mind off other things.

"Hey, Zack?"

Zack blinked, unaware that he'd drifted inward. "Yeah, Chocobo?"

A small growl came from Cloud's throat, and his eyebrows lowered.

Zack corrected himself. "'Yeah, Cloud'...I mean." He tittered nervously at the look he was given.

"After dinner tonight...I might be in the mood...for some dessert."

"Really? Great!" Zack leaned forward in his seat, his eyes lighting up at the thought of Cloud finally trying something sweet with him. All kinds of desserts ran through his head. Cheesecake, ice cream sundaes, crème brûlée; hell, even hot chocolate in a coffee shop. Zack never did understand how Cloud could not like sugary treats. Each tempting and delectable morsel was like a gift from the heavens.

"We can find something that you'll like. Cookies? Cupcakes? 'Cuz there's this really great café down on LOVELESS Avenue that sells-"

"I don't mean any of those types of desserts."

"Well, there's pie, or pudding, or you might like tiramisu-"

"Zack," Cloud's voice was firm, and surprisingly confident.

Zack just blinked at the blond for several long moments. His eyes widened as Cloud cleared his throat. "Oh. _That_ kind of dessert." Zack was surprised that he didn't catch onto that innuendo.

Zack was more surprised that Cloud even _made_ that innuendo in the first place.

* * *

Graves left the 7th Heaven around dusk. Elici's wife seemed reluctant to let anyone into the bar while Graves was there. Not because he might have caused a fight, she just seemed...troubled. With good reason, of course.

And he was on his best behavior, for once. He had stopped by only to see how she was holding up since her husband's death. She seemed tired - lethargic, even. Dark circles were heavy beneath her bloodshot eyes; the tip of her nose reddened from constant rubbing. He dare not bring up his theory of how Elici died, but instead brought up some humorous tales of his friendship with him. Even someone as brash as Graves had enough common courtesy to not bring something like _that_ up in front of a grieving widow.

Although bringing it up in front of his friends was different. He knew they could handle it. They were men, after all, and in the army they were taught to suck it up, Cloud being no exception. Sometimes that boy needed to just toughen up and grow some ironclad balls. It would be good for him, in the end.

Graves waved to Elici's wife as she stood in the doorway. He turned, breathing in the same stale air that was there from the morning. It never left; it had nowhere to go beneath the plates that held it in from above. It was like the train tracks around Midgar. It only went around in circles.

Common courtesy be damned. Graves promised her that he'd avenge Elici's murder.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Fifteen: Unnoticed.

Ending Author's Notes: Just a quick explanation on a word that might have confused a few people. In the dialogue between Graves and Elici: '"Sometimes I wonder if ya even consider me as a friend. Ya'd **narc** on me any chance ya got, wouldn't ya?"' 'Narc', in American slang, means to rat someone out. It's derived from the word 'narcotic' (drugs) and was mainly used as slang in reference to undercover law enforcement officers who mostly dealt with drug operations and stings. Eventually, it was adapted into general slang, and it means someone will tell on you. "My brother was going to narc on me to mom and dad about my yaoi collection beneath my bed!"

And no, I don't have a yaoi collection underneath my bed. That was just an example. But man, if I had a yaoi collection...well, I wouldn't be getting much sleep. XD I think we're all in an agreement there, with that one.

Anyway, thanks to Nekotsuki who beta'ed this chapter for me! Oh yeah, in case you might be wondering, yes, that was a dream in the beginning, and yes, it will further be touched on / continued. But not for a long while, actually. So just be patient.


	15. Chapter Fifteen: Unnoticed

Chapter Fifteen: Unnoticed

* * *

Zack and Cloud parted for the time being. They agreed they both needed showers, for one, and they had some things to take care of before they set out for the town.

Zack wasn't expecting to run into Ratcliff before the gym. But he was glad that he had, as Ratcliff informed him of Cloud's reaction, albeit subtle, to his suggestion that they were going on a date.

"He looked...happy," was what Ratcliff said.

_Happy?_

Zack left his apartment. He had taken so many showers the past few days – some of which he was getting more dirty rather than clean – that he was starting to have an impressive pile of towels that needed to be laundered. He thought it weird that one of the side effects of his new relationship with the blond boy was having to do more laundry than usual.

It was a strange thought, as he passed through the halls with a stack of paperwork in his hand. Even on his days off, he still had to report for some sort of duty; he was never in the clear. Of course, this paperwork he had in his hands was from the training mission from a few weeks prior. He was surprised Tseng had let him go that long without turning it in. It had been so long that Zack had had to fill in some not-so-accurate details about the mission he hardly remembered, by this point. Everything that had been happening with Cloud lately seemed to wipe his mind clear of anything that didn't have to do with the blond.

But however cumbersome in the long run it was, Zack was still happy.

_Happy? Cloud is happy..._

Zack was lost in this thought, and he didn't hear Tseng's receptionist informing him that Tseng was currently with someone and was unavailable as he passed by. Of course, this probably wouldn't have deterred Zack from busting into his office anyway. He wanted to get this errand done quickly so he could get back to forming his date with Cloud. He still hadn't thought of a place to take him, yet. Cloud was a country boy; he was timid and bashful. He probably would appreciate somewhere low-key and with a casual atmosphere. Wutaian Barbeque, perhaps?

The door shut behind him, and he stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes fell upon a familiar blonde woman seated in front of Tseng's desk, her legs crossed politely, the glasses on her nose slipping slightly as she turned to see who entered, uninvited.

"Oooh...things are starting to make sense now, Tseng. This explains a lot about you."

The blonde psychologist shifted in her chair, and re-crossed her legs with a soft clearing of her throat. It was almost as if she were distracting herself from Zack's rather humorous comment. However, Tseng stiffly cleared his throat as he stood.

"Sorry, I didn't know you had a session..." Zack said, stifling a laugh.

"Get out of my office right now. It's not what it looks like."

"Just let me turn in my paperwork! I don't want to wait for your hour long session to be done. You do have a lot of issues to work ou-"

"_Out_. Now."

Zack whined. "Please, boss? I'm sorry." He waved the old report around in his hand, as if enticing Tseng. "It's the one you've been waiting for."

"Put it on my desk, then get out." Tseng clenched his jaw, his eyes piercing through Zack. He was sure to get it later.

"Right," Zack said, slipping past the lady to toss the papers down on the desk. "On the desk! I'm leavin' now..." Zack trailed off, his eyes catching an open folder lying in front of the woman. He caught Cloud's name across the top.

"What's going on?" Zack looked to Tseng, who still looked agitated, and then he looked down to the psychologist who was still sitting politely.

"That wasn't part of the deal. You turn in your paperwork, and then you leave."

Zack just ignored Tseng, who eventually realized he wasn't going to win over the SOLDIER's stubborn nature, and he sat back down in his squeaky chair. Zack repeated his question to the woman.

She glanced over at Tseng, who just nodded, as if defeated, and then she smiled up at him...politely. "I was just turning in a report. Not as overdue as yours, of course."

"Of course," Zack said, blandly. "_What's_ going on?" Now Zack was the one getting agitated. "Aren't your reports with your patients supposed to be confidential?"

"This is the Shin-Ra army, Zack. Nothing is confidential," Tseng said.

"How is Cloud, anyway?" she asked.

Zack frowned, not really paying attention to her as he began to sift through the file. No one stopped him. "He's...happy," he muttered, drawing a page up to read.

"Happy?" she said.

He ignored her, still, reading aloud from the file. "_Patient exhibits signs of anxiety and fear towards others_."

"Zack-" Tseng began, but was cut off by Zack continuing to read aloud.

"_Patient has little self-worth_?" He slapped the report down onto the desktop, a rather perturbed look on his face. "What the hell? This is seriously how you word these reports?"

"For the ones that get sent into the Investigative Department, yes."

"This is dated for yesterday." _I was with him for most of the day. And when I left, I took his shirt. He wouldn't have left without his shirt..._

"He saw you yesterday?"

She paused for a moment, uncrossing her legs, only to re-cross them again. Not that it was actually true, but Zack wanted to at least think in his mind that he was some sort of mental threat to this psychologist and that he could possibly unnerve her with his questioning.

A valiant effort, but quite far from the truth.

"Informally, yes. I may have run into him in the cafeteria."

"'May have'? Are you following him?"

Tseng was pinching the bridge of his nose at this point, and he released a rather long sigh. "Zack, if you're that bored for some entertainment today, I can phone Director Lazard to see if he has some work for you."

"Answer my damn question." Zack glanced between the blonde and Tseng. "One of you just answer it."

"If we answer, will you leave my office?"

Zack gave Tseng a very pointed look. Silence was his reply.

The woman opened her mouth to speak, but it was Tseng who ultimately answered, after several moments. "I'm having Dr. Arolin submit weekly status reports on Strife's mental health."

"Why?" This was more of a demand for explanation than a question.

"To ensure that you are performing at your best."

"...What?" was Zack's cautious reply. Had he heard that correctly?

"That wasn't part of the deal, Zack. We answered, now it's time you leave."

Zack scoffed, folding his arms across his chest as he shifted his weight on his feet. "No. I think it's obvious I don't intend on leaving after something like that has been said."

"Strife cannot serve as a distraction to you. The company needs your focus."

"If this has something to do with Essai and Sebastian-"

"Go."

Zack clenched his fists, but remained silent as he, for once, obeyed. He wasn't about to be mentally analyzed by the psychologist as he stood there bickering with Tseng for any longer. She made him nervous; he knew her mind was constantly at work on picking apart a person's behavior. That was her job, after all.

Zack left the office, defeated. But not after a somewhat satisfactory slamming of the door, however.

* * *

"Mr. Fair?"

Zack stopped his storming down the halls and he turned to see the woman leaving Tseng's office. She hurried over to him, her curly hair bobbing about her shoulders. Zack lifted an eyebrow and waited for her to catch up to him.

"It really is in both of your best interests."

"What, spying on him?" Zack shook his head, folding his arms across his chest again. "I can't see how watching and reporting Cloud's every move would possibly benefit me."

"We're not watching his every move. Look, Mr. Fair, we are concerned for his mental health after the incident and loss of his friend. And we're concerned that, with you being close to him, you will become distracted in your duties if you were to worry about him."

"Well, I won't. So stop spying."

"Please have confidence in us. It really is for his well being. Given his personality traits, he's not likely to seek help from a professional if he were to need it. So we're keeping an eye on him just in case we need to intervene."

"Tell you what. How about you stop spying, and I'll keep an eye on him? I'll report whatever you need to know. That way everyone wins."

She paused for a moment, and then slowly smiled. "I'll see if that can be arranged." She turned to walk back into Tseng's office.

"Hey...um..."

She stopped, slowly turning back to him as he fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Is it...normal for someone who went through what Cloud did...to force themselves to do things they don't want...just to make someone else happy?"

The lady took a few steps forward, lowering her voice as several people passed by, carrying large amounts of paperwork into Tseng's office. No wonder he was always so cranky.

"Some people fear that saying 'no' will result in more abuse. They're afraid that if they don't do as told, or if they do something wrong, that they'll be retaliated against, no matter who it is."

"Well, what can I do? I don't want him doing things if he doesn't really want to."

She adjusted the glasses that began to slip on her nose. "Building trust is the most important step. Since he refuses to speak with me about whatever may be troubling him, you can be his source of outlet. His go-to guy, if you will."

_Trust...? Oh man. I think I may have rattled that..._

"Building up enough trust will make him more at ease, and more willing to talk about the things that are bothering him. This will promote the healing process."

"So I have to report all the things he talks about with me...?" Zack swallowed a bit hard, growing nervous. If only she knew some of the things that were just recently said...

"No. I want you to keep the conversations confidential. Otherwise how could he trust you?"

"So how do I get you guys to stop playing Big Brother if I'm not reporting the conversations?"

She chuckled at Zack's comment. It was the Shin-Ra army, he should know that Big Brother was always around no matter what the situation. "You realize that we'll still be keeping an eye on him, even with your help? You are a part of the equation, don't forget."

"Should a psychologist really be talking like this?" His arms were folded again.

"I am a person before a psychologist."

Maybe he had been coming across as a bit defensive; a bit hostile. His arms unfolded. "You guys don't need to be concerned with me. He's not a distraction. He's..."

Her eyebrows raised slightly, waiting.

"He's...a friend. One...of the few that I have...now."

She smiled warmly. It almost reminded him of his mother's smile. And that unnerved him again. "We know. That's why we have to make sure you both are taken care of."

"Is this all Tseng's idea?"

"Have a good day, Mr. Fair," she said as she began to walk back towards Tseng's office. "Oh and-" she said as she stopped. She turned to face him. "I'll be expecting your report on my desk by Monday. I just need his behavior, nothing else. And try not to be late with it." She disappeared inside Tseng's office.

Zack scoffed, folding his arms across his chest one last time. "Goddamn Big Brother."

* * *

Cloud had been going to the bathroom a lot. And not because he actually had to go, he was just looking for Graves. Ratcliff had said the two were sentenced to scrubbing the Heads all day as punishment for their scrap with each other. But throughout each bathroom he entered – he'd be damned if he entered the Women's again – Graves was nowhere to be seen. He really wanted to talk to him still.

He decided to call his search off and he began to head back to the barracks to change. A tightness in his stomach began to form as the thought of going on a 'date' with Zack crossed his mind. He cursed Ratcliff for implanting that thought into his head. It wasn't a date. It was just a prearranged social engagement between two people who agreed to partake in a particular event simultaneously.

...A social engagement between two people...who were romantically involved.

Dammit. It was a date.

Cloud hurried his pace, but he couldn't outrun the blush that surfaced on his face from his thoughts.

_"After dinner tonight...I might be in the mood...for some dessert."_

How incredibly lame. Cloud surmised those words were by far the most tacky that had ever had the misfortune of tumbling from his mouth.

But Zack seemed to enjoy those words, no matter how lame - once they'd sunk in, that is. But Cloud's own words hadn't really sunk in when he had said them. He was disappointed in himself; he thought he had better control of what left his mouth.

And it wasn't like he hadn't thought about doing..._that _to Zack. It had been in the forefront of his mind for quite some time, now. The teasing, the kissing, the roaming hands – it all fueled an unfamiliar instinct that had emerged from months of harboring an admiration for the SOLDIER. As much as he tried to push these thoughts away in denial, they always seemed to resurface whenever Zack smiled at him, or pulled him into a friendly embrace. At first he thought he was going crazy, but after he caught a glimpse of that instinct in Zack's eye, it suddenly didn't seem that fatuous any longer.

So suddenly _dessert_ didn't seem all that fatuous, either.

Cloud was smiling. It was a small smile, but a smile nonetheless. It was formed by a mixture of competing emotions, all combining from a slew of anxiety, delirium and unexpected enchantment.

A group of his barrack mates watched him as he entered with this unusual expression, and a few eyebrows were raised, but nothing more. Strife was a strange one, they thought. He seemed like a walking contradiction. Everything from his quiet demeanor to his loud, blond spiky hair. He could be surprisingly tough at times, and yet he could be the first one to shrink his shoulders when disciplined. He could be the last one standing in a physical fitness test, and yet the first one to go down in their hand-to-hand combat training. He was a loner, and yet was surrounded by friendship.

Cloud showered quickly, thankful that the sweat from his workout was being washed away down the drain. His muscles relaxed, save for the ones in his stomach which were churning from his thoughts of Zack. He finished, and wrapped a towel around his waist as he headed for the lockers.

He didn't have a large selection of civilian clothes, as even on his liberty he hardly went anywhere. Occasionally he would accompany his friends when they decided to go somewhere – somewhere that he was able to go, as they were all older. They would go to the bar sometimes, and Cloud was left behind. But they would always come back – drunk and happy – and bring something back for him. Usually some sort of fattening bar food that Cloud made faces at, and never understood why they claimed that it would taste better if he were incredibly plastered.

"Getting ready for the big date?"

Cloud flinched, and the towel around his waist nearly slipped off. He fumbled for it, stammering clumsily as Ratcliff leaned against the lockers, grinning.

"Y-yeah, just about to dress. Aren't you supposed to be cleaning the bathrooms?" Cloud looked a bit flustered, and a bit angry at Ratcliff's accusation that it was a date, which it was, despite Cloud's denial. And he looked angry over the fact that Ratcliff was just standing there casually staring at him while he was practically naked. No matter how many times they all had showered together, Cloud would never get used to being nude in front of anyone. He was embarrassed over his smaller frame, compared to everyone else.

"I'm done, yeah."

Cloud's eyebrows lifted. "Really?"

"Kunsel let me off easy, yeah, seeing as my head's been _jarred_ because of that _caveman_."

Cloud smirked. He always enjoyed Ratcliff's selection of colorful insults he used to call Graves. Graves was less creative in the name-calling, and usually just took vulgar stabs at Ratcliff's sexuality. Ratcliff always stayed composed during the onslaught of insults, but there was always a twinge of hurt in his eyes that Cloud managed to catch.

"Then come with us tonight." Cloud began to rummage through his locker. "It'll be fun."

Ratcliff laughed, shaking his head. His eyes were cast down as Cloud began to change. "No way, this is your night, yeah."

"C'mon. When's the last time we all got to hang out?"

Ratcliff frowned. "When...Elici's family opened the bar."

Cloud stopped changing, lowering his hands which held his shirt. He looked a bit struck by those words. It was true – they hadn't spent time together as a group since Elici's family opened the 7th Heaven. It was a fun night, even when Graves and Elici got into their usual quarreling habits. That time, it was caused by a game of darts. It was a lighthearted bicker, that soon moved to Elici and Graves battling their competitiveness out in how many shots of liquor they could both consume in under two minutes. Elici won by three shots. Graves blamed his shameful loss on heartburn. Cloud just watched quietly, drinking his lemonade.

"Besides!" Ratcliff's voice was suddenly upbeat, his usual optimistic tone. "I might have some plans tonight, anyway, yeah."

"Oh?" Cloud pulled his polo shirt over his head and paused, debating on whether he should leave it untucked or not. He began to tuck it in.

"Yeah! I might have a date of my own. Maybe I'll get to warm someone's bed tonight."

Cloud shook his head, repressing a chuckle. He always envied Ratcliff's confidence and his openness.

"Seriously? You're gonna wear that, yeah?"

Cloud shot his head up, frowning. "What's wrong with this?"

"Do you really want me to list off the seven reasons why you shouldn't wear that shirt?"

"Really? Seven?"

"Well, maybe just one reason. This would look better." He opened up his locker and pulled out a black woven button front shirt, with a faint pinstripe. There was a unique scrolled design down the left breast that would look better suited as a tattoo, than a design on a shirt. It was interesting nonetheless, and it was nicer than anything Cloud had in his locker. "Give it back to me whenever." He tossed it at Cloud, who caught it with a frown of speculation.

Cloud slipped his arms through, and rolled his head back with a groan when Ratcliff began to fold the sleeves up for him.

"This type of casual dress shirt you can pull off wearing the sleeves rolled up, yeah. And do _not_ tuck this in with jeans. It's a relaxed cut, so you'll have a lot of _movement_."

Another groan.

"Although with all the movement, you might not be wearing it for long. Just don't let Zack hide it from you, yeah?" He began to button it for Cloud, but stopped with a laugh when his hands were shoved away.

"Anyone ever tell you that you're annoying?"

"All the time, yeah."

They chuckled together as Cloud resumed dressing. Ratcliff gave a nod of semi-approval when Cloud paired everything with his white skate-style sneakers with the flat sole and wide tongue. It tied everything together in a casual look, and also didn't make Cloud look like he was ten years older than he really was.

"Well, not the shoes I would wear, yeah, but it looks okay, I guess."

"They're all I have, Ratcliff."

"I know. I'm just giving you a hard time, yeah."

Cloud shut his locker and exited the shower area to the main barracks. A few of the barrack mates instantly began heckling him about why such a square as he looked so good for the evening. There were even a few teasing wolf-whistles. Cloud just nervously tittered them off.

Ratcliff tilted his head as he watched Cloud walk off in a rather nicely fitting pair of jeans. His eyebrow lifted with a bit of a wolfish grin on his face. "Cleans up good, that boy." Ratcliff slammed his locker shut, and a door to a nearby locker swung open by the force. He stopped moving as he just stared at the ajar door for quite some time with an aura of unease. He reluctantly walked over to it.

"What...the fuck?" Ratcliff muttered, staring into the locker that should have been filled to the brim with personal belongings, cartons of cigarettes and dirty magazines.

Graves' locker was empty.

* * *

They had agreed to meet in the main lobby of the building, and Zack had gotten there five minutes beforehand, assuming Cloud was the type to be early. He was right, as not a minute into his waiting, Cloud emerged from the elevator looking a bit nauseated from the long ride down the tall building.

Zack grinned as the blond practically stumbled towards him. He could tell Cloud was fighting the urge to cover his mouth and gag, but he looked rather endearing, regardless. "You okay?" Zack laughed as all he got as a response was a shaking of a head, and an 'urk' when he tried to speak.

Cloud stopped for several moments, getting his breathing under control. This gave Zack the time to look him over without having Cloud notice and become bashful. He looked good. Quite good. _Very_ good. And he instantly took note of the dress shirt he wore, with the incredibly convenient button snaps that could be opened with an effortless tug of a skilled hand.

But Zack groaned inaudibly as the psychologist's words plowed through his increasingly perverted thoughts, and leveled them down to an echoing memory of "You need to build trust." How...incredibly inconvenient.

"Okay...I'm okay," Cloud said as he finally straightened. He forced a shaky smile, but Zack could tell he was quite embarrassed over himself. "It's a gross feeling..."

"I wouldn't know. I don't get motion sickness..." Zack said, sympathetically.

Cloud just frowned boyishly, and very ashamed.

"Well, you'll be happy to know I picked a place we could walk to, for this fact alone." Zack was expecting Cloud to be relieved over this, but he just looked all the more upset.

"I'm sorry, it must be an inconvenience," he mumbled, lowering his head.

_Not the most inconvenient thing tonight, don't you worry._

Zack growled at his thoughts, but then growled at Cloud, instead. "You know, we're going to have to make a game out of this."

"What?" Cloud lifted his head, realizing Zack began to walk off without him. He trotted alongside Zack's swift pace out the main doors.

Zack waited until they began their trek towards LOVELESS Avenue to continue his thought with Cloud. He had decided on the Wutaian Barbeque. In the end, it was the most casual _concept _he could think of, and yet he knew the place to be designed a bit lavishly. It was going to be an interesting combination of humble cooking, and extravagant decor, and he was anxiously awaiting Cloud's reaction to the whole thing.

"For each time you slip up and say the 'S' word, you owe me a kiss."

Cloud's eyebrows met, and a rather confused look fell over his face. Had he heard that right? "I'm sorry?"

"Exactly."

"N-no. 'I'm sorry' as in I didn't catch what you had said."

"That's twice now, that you've said the word," Zack said, his voice a playful warning tone. He stopped walking, his eyes trailing the amount of people that were around, and he began calculating how many witnesses it would take to embarrass Cloud completely if they were to kiss in public. One would be the correct answer, of course. But he was never really good at math.

"Wait, I'm really confused here."

Zack turned to face him with a grin that made Cloud grow increasingly nervous. "It's really very simple, Cloud." He took a step forward, his eyes burning into the blond. "You have to kiss me whenever you say 'sorry'."

"W-wait...I never agreed to this." Cloud whimpered softly as Zack brought his hands up and gripped his upper arms, pulling him close a bit forcefully. Zack began to lean in. Cloud's eyes darted frantically between Zack and the people around, who were really paying them no mind, but the fact that there were _people around_ made Cloud's heart want to leap out of his chest and run away. Zack was dangerously close.

But Cloud was suddenly released, and Zack pulled away, shrugging nonchalantly. "Of course, you could always misuse and abuse the game and start saying 'sorry' just to get a kiss from me. So that wouldn't teach you a lesson."

Cloud was left wobbling on his feet, feeling a bit disheveled and weak in the knees, for several combating reasons. He fought back the sweat of terror that threatened to surface, and he begged his heart to stop its incessant frantic beating. He hardly noticed that Zack continued on without him, once more.

"A pinch, maybe?" Zack fell deep in thought, trying to conjure up a firm punishment for Cloud's apologies. "A flick on the forehead?"

"Zack..."

"A slap on the ass?"

"Zack..._please_," Cloud said, his voice pleading for him to stop with his teasing.

"'Please'? Really?" Zack whirled around, his hand suddenly outstretched behind his shoulder, poised and ready.

"Why must you twist my words around?" Cloud was trying not to laugh, Zack could tell.

"Well, you said 'please'. I just assumed-"

Cloud, in a rare instant of ease, finally began to laugh. And his hand was nowhere near his mouth, which was usually where it was when he laughed, as if to hide the fact that he was allowing himself to be relaxed, and unguarded.

Zack began to laugh as well, but only because Cloud was laughing so unexpectedly, and unexpectedly carefree. It was infectious. "What's so funny?"

"'Assumed'," Cloud began, composing himself briefly to explain his sudden outburst. "You know what they say about assuming things."

Zack tilted his head, a thoughtful look on his face. He waited for Cloud to continue.

"If you 'assume', you make an '_ass_' out of 'u' and 'me'."

Zack snorted a laugh. "Smart-ass."

"Better than being a dumb-ass." Cloud was grinning that same devious smile he wore when he tricked Zack into thinking he had been drinking before. Zack could get quite used to that grin. It was playful, it was real. It was a symbol that Cloud was...

..._Happy._

Zack's laughing slowly ceased, his eyes flickering back and forth on Cloud's as they stood near the fountain in Sector 8. The sun was setting, and the rays of light refracted in the falling streams of water. Each droplet projected a piece of the sun onto the people who passed by, as if trying to get them to appreciate their individual beauty. They went unnoticed.

Zack leaned down, and kissed Cloud.

* * *

Once again, Zack had been strangely excited over something that morning, and it was driving Kunsel absolutely batty.

He needed to know. It wasn't a matter of wanting to know, or having to know, he _needed_ to know. Information unknown was, in his opinion, wasted information. He never liked to waste anything.

Kunsel slipped into the First Class SOLDIER floor with Zack's key code. Of course he knew it. Kunsel knew it even before Zack knew it and gave it to Kunsel to use. He was licking his bottom lip, which he did often when the gears in his mind were churning. And each of those gears were well oiled, and well maintained with the constant flow of different kinds of information. General knowledge, politics, current affairs, current top-secret Shin-Ra affairs, and a plethora of sex tips – it didn't matter how frivolous or seedy the information was. If it could fall upon his ears, he had to know it.

And the current contender in his ongoing journey of snooping was the most guarded secret as of late. The most secret of all secrets.

Who in the fiery pits of Ifrit's hell was Zack seeing and possibly screwing?

Kunsel was quite the needy little scamp. And if he paid more attention to his own personal business, he might have been the one screwing someone tonight – but this was far more intellectually stimulating.

He bounded up to Zack's apartment door, cracking his knuckles in preparation for the upcoming interrogation of his best friend. A few knocks on the door and he was soon led to a dead end of despair and disappointment. Zack wasn't home.

But Kunsel didn't know the meaning of a dead end. A quick glance at his watch – dinner time. A quick sniff of the surrounding air – it smelled like Zack's cologne.

_It must be a date! That rat bastard...!_

Kunsel clenched his fists; he wasn't going down this easily. Next time he saw him, he was going to get it out of him by force, if he had to. Either that, or he would just sneak into the surveillance department and commandeer the terminals for as long as he could before he got kicked out. Of course, he was no stranger to the occasional bribing of the security guards, and that would buy him a bit more time at the cameras.

He returned to the barracks where he was once again assigned. Since Mejia had gone AWOL, he had been assigned to lead the unit on his own. This significantly cut into his snooping time.

It was relatively empty, as most of the men were out on the town on a Saturday night. He normally would have been using this time to either troll about himself, whether that was in a bar, or prodding around in the company's proxy server. But for now, since Zack was _unavailable_, Kunsel decided to check on his two trouble makers.

He spotted Ratcliff lounging on Elici's bed with a book. He looked more like he was falling asleep than reading. "Hey, you guys done?"

Ratcliff scrambled up to a sitting position, nearly tossing his book up into the air. "U-uh! Y-yeah! I mean- Yes, sir." He calmed, grinning a bit suspiciously.

Kunsel lifted his eyebrows. "Good. Next time think before you decide to fight in my barracks."

"Yes, sir."

"No plans for tonight?"

"No, sir. Just me, myself and I."

"Really? No date?"

"Not tonight, yeah."

Kunsel looked around. There was someone missing. On a Saturday, this someone was usually alone and doing what Ratcliff was doing. "Where's Cloud?"

Ratcliff put Cloud's book down, not even bothering to save the page he was on. He wasn't really reading it, as he lay there. "Oh, he's out."

"Cloud actually has plans?"

"Seems like it, sir."

Kunsel frowned thoughtfully for a moment. He couldn't get the smell of Zack's cologne out of his nose; it was bothering him. "Wait!" Something clicked.

Ratcliff straightened. He wasn't too sure if he should be divulging anyone in Cloud and Zack's affairs, even to someone who was close to Zack. He hadn't received the green light to make it known from either of them, so his lips were sealed.

"Cloud had a hickey yesterday..." He began tapping his chin in deeper thought.

Ratcliff really straightened, now. Had he figured it out? Kunsel was quite known for being perceptive. How would he react to this?

"I know where he is. He's got a girlfriend, doesn't he? He's out scoring with her!" Kunsel nodded to himself, confident. "He mentioned a girl from his hometown to me once. Maybe she's here to visit him. Or maybe..." He began to mutter to himself all the possibilities of where Cloud was and who he could be with, all the while getting it completely wrong.

Ratcliff relaxed. Perhaps he wasn't as perceptive as he thought. He realized then that there was a big difference in being perceptive and being nosy. Kunsel was entertaining, nonetheless. His spunk reminded him of Graves.

_Graves._

"Uh...sir...?" Ratcliff stood slowly, his face becoming frightfully pale. "I...have something to tell you."

Kunsel stopped his mutterings and peered at his grunt with wary eyes. "Go ahead, cadet."

Ratcliff was shifting nervously on his feet. His hands began to fiddle with the drawstrings on his hooded sweatshirt. Perhaps this was where Cloud picked up that nervous habit of his – playing and tugging on his clothing.

"Graves deserted you, didn't he?"

"Sir!" His head shot up, shocked. How did he figure it out already?

"The bastard left you to do all the cleaning, I knew it."

Ratcliff shook his head. "Yeah- no- wait...yeah. But...that's not it."

Kunsel's jaw suddenly stiffened. The look Ratcliff was wearing was enough to tell him part of his previous statement was correct. "Graves deserted...didn't he?"

"Yes...sir."

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Sixteen: Bittersweet Angel.

Ending Author's Note: Special thanks to Nekotsuki for beta'ing this chapter for me!


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Bittersweet Angel

Chapter Sixteen: Bittersweet Angel

* * *

Before the war there were migrants from Wutai that settled into Midgar, as with many other migrants from villages and towns across the planet. Midgar was full of diversity; it was a bustling metropolis filled with people from across the globe. There were parts of the Midgar slums that adopted the culture of different people from different towns. It was like stepping into a miniaturized version of their native town, and one could find whatever goods or wares that the original town boasted. All centrally located snugly beneath the plate.

Soon, they began to spread out onto the upper plate, almost like fads. To dine at a Wutaian restaurant meant to be stepping into their culture and their way of life. It was thrilling to many of the Midgar natives who had never even stepped foot outside the city before. It was like visiting a new world.

So it was rather common to see Wutaian food, Cosmo Canyon weapon shops, or Nibelheim bakeries – that bragged that their bread was as light and airy as the air in the Nibel mountains – on every street corner. Although Cloud contested those kitschy slogans as being nothing but complete bull. In the end, nothing was like home but home itself.

But during the long war between Wutai and Shin-Ra, it wasn't uncommon to see Wutaian establishments in Midgar suddenly go under, suspiciously change management, or just simply disappear. This was not exclusive to just the businesses themselves. Many Wutaian immigrants mysteriously vanished throughout the course of the war, and Shin-Ra was never too shy to don a pair of those proverbial red hands. But for public image and appeasement, Shin-Ra _conveniently_ allowed several Wutaian businesses to stay alive, but those were the ones that were suddenly no longer owned by Wutaian natives, and were replaced by people who looked more like Shin-Ra employees to the trained eye. Of course, they would vehemently deny having any such affiliation with Shin-Ra, right before they turned around and took their Shin-Ra paychecks to the bank.

It was a dirty world, and Shin-Ra owned it.

Zack and Cloud entered the restaurant, after a rather awkward moment of Zack holding the door open for Cloud as if he were a lady, although, to everyone else, it just looked like a friend holding a door open for another friend. But in Cloud's insecure mind, everything screamed that they were on a date. Perhaps he shouldn't have dressed so nicely.

And how nicely Zack was dressed, too. From his black microsuede coat, to his square-tipped leather dress shoes, Zack made Cloud feel a combination of envy and pride. At first he felt second rate next to Zack, but he knew that he looked good as well. And as they were escorted to their table, a few women took a not-so-discreet stare at the both of them as they passed. A few eyebrows were raised seductively, and a few hushed whispers made Cloud both simultaneously blush from embarrassment and grin with amusement.

They sat, and the hostess reached across and lit the grill embedded into their table.

Cloud looked rather lost, as the lack of menus and the flaming grill-for-a-table struck him as foreign and, frankly, a bit strange. "Wait...so how does this work?"

Zack turned from looking at the buffet behind them, already scoping out the desserts that were displayed on the counters. "Never been to one of these, have you?"

"No," Cloud murmured, twisting around in his chair to take in his surroundings. The décor was lavish, with strikes of red mixed with gold accentuating the furniture. There were silk scrolls hanging on the walls, and beautiful bonsai trees atop the dividing walls between the table arrangements. Cloud thought he could hear the sound of either a running pond or a fountain somewhere.

And yet, behind them was a spread of raw meats and seafood, waiting to be plated and brought back to the table to be humbly cooked by none other than the customers themselves. The place smelled of smoke and of the marinade the meats were drenched in. This was going to be an interesting experience – Cloud couldn't cook.

"You just get up, grab what you want and throw it down on the grill. Simple enough, right?"

Cloud tittered nervously. "I guess so. I just...can't cook."

"Neither can I. I just throw it down and whenever it looks good enough to eat, I eat it," Zack said, shrugging nonchalantly.

They both shared a laugh together before ordering their beverages. Zack ordered a beer – not carded of course – and Cloud, after brewing on whether or not he should at least try a beer, finally decided on iced tea in the end. Zack grinned at his indecisiveness.

Soon there was an array of various types of meats on their grill, and they occasionally poked at it with their tongs as they conversed about SOLDIER. Cloud always had an abundance of never-ending questions about the subject, but Zack not once minded. He shared whatever information he possibly could with him, and the ones he couldn't, he just grinned at him, and with a very teasing voice he told Cloud that he would find out when he made it into SOLDIER. Those words seemed to disappoint Cloud, for various reasons, but he just shook his head with a small smile and continued their conversation.

They began to get the hang of this whole cooking thing, only after a near fire scared them into paying more attention. Soon they were full on everything they could possibly imagine. Zack had even gone back to grab more from the buffets, bringing back fruits, noodle soup, rice, everything he could possibly consume. And he hadn't even made it to dessert, yet.

_Dessert. _Cloud's heart skipped a beat. He couldn't possibly; he was losing his nerve as he sat staring intently at Zack, who was flipping a few ribs on the grill with the most concentrated face he had ever seen him use. And if it wasn't for the boiling emotions inside of him, he would have laughed.

Zack had asked him what was wrong as Cloud suddenly grew quiet, and Cloud simply – and not so truthfully – replied that he was really full. Zack just gave him a flat look, but soon went back to tossing more food onto Cloud's plate, telling him to eat up. And so, he did.

Cloud had been watching each time Zack took a sip of his beer. He liked how the head looked so frothy. It reminded him of the root beer floats he would drink as a child, which was the only sweet treat he would partake in. Vanilla ice cream was probably as plain as it could get, so that part he didn't mind on occasion.

"Wanna try it?" Zack held his mug up as Cloud's eyes trailed it.

"Um..." He shifted in his seat, shrugging casually. "Yeah sure, I'll try it." He took the frosty mug from him, and watched as Zack had a rather intimidating grin on his face as he was highly anticipating his reaction, but at this point he wasn't sure what it would be.

Cloud took a sip, and instantly sputtered. "That's bitter!" He handed it back to him, wincing. "How can you like that stuff?"

Zack watched as Cloud's tongue darted out and licked the foam off of his lip. Zack mimicked this, unaware that his eyes were fixed on Cloud's mouth. He let out a shaky breath, not realizing how quickly that small gesture could turn him on, whether or not it was intentional. He had never felt so easily aroused before, but Cloud just seemed to bring this somewhat bittersweet trait out in him. He shifted uncomfortably.

Cloud was suddenly looking at him with eyebrows raised, and with a subtle wag of his head.

"What?" Zack blinked, sitting upright. He cleared his throat and began to fiddle with the tongs on the grill. "I uh...what?"

Cloud repeated himself. "How can you like it?"

"It's...an acquired taste."

"Yeah, I can see that," Cloud said flatly. He frowned a bit, taking a sip of his tea to wash down the burning sensation in his mouth and throat.

"I'm surprised that you don't like it, considering that you don't like sweet things. This would be right up your alley."

Cloud shrugged, poking at a grilled prawn with his chopstick. "Well, I guess it would take some getting used to."

"I enjoy the taste of it. And the after effect of it is always a plus."

Cloud tittered. He wondered what Zack would be like drunk. He had never seen him in that state before, and then assumed that for one – it would take a lot to get someone like him drunk, and two – he was probably seasoned enough to handle himself. He had been around his friends when they were fairly drunk, and he learned to judge how much each one could handle based on their height, weight and overall constitution, although Elici could always seem to handle just a bit more than Graves, even though Graves was much larger. Ratcliff, well, it didn't take much. He seemed like he could easily just get contact drunk by simply being _near_ a bottle of booze.

After Zack had pushed several different types of desserts in front of Cloud, who only just shook his head and pushed them back, they left together laughing about how they reeked of smoke. It was worth it, however.

The moon was up now, and the streets began to thin out from the citizens who roamed them during the day. They reached the fountain again, and they sat down on the edge together, after Zack had to tug him down to join him.

"Isn't this a bit strange?" Cloud whispered, even though no one was around.

"What? What's so strange about two guys sitting by a fountain and chatting?"

"I dunno...it's just...you know, _romantic_." Cloud meant that in a negative way, of course, but Zack ignored that and once again twisted his words around.

"Oh, well, why thank you," he said as he scooted closer to the blond, who instinctively leaned away. "Don't be shy, my darling. I won't bite."

"Shut up, ass."

They laughed together, and Zack scooted away just a bit, to give him his space.

"It's a shame though," Cloud said as he reached up, thumbing the soft suede on Zack's coat. "I don't know if the smell of the smoke will get out of this so easily."

"I don't mind," Zack whispered, watching as Cloud's hand was passing across his arm. Cloud looked up to him, and Zack's breathing became a bit erratic in his chest. He wondered if Cloud was aware of the effect he had on him.

"Zack?" Cloud trailed his fingers down Zack's arm, brushing them up against his hand. He blinked as Zack seemed to flinch when their skin connected. Cloud pulled away, resting his hands down in his lap. He didn't know what to do.

Zack hummed a reply, his head tilting slightly as he watched Cloud's face turn from relaxed, to anxious. He couldn't tell if he wanted to make some sort of physical contact with him, or if he had something on his mind.

"What's...going on between us?"

Zack nodded to himself. He would remember that look now, as he had a feeling he was probably going to be seeing it quite often in the future. "I don't know," Zack spoke those words, but his voice was reassuring. "It is...a little scary." His shoulders slumped a bit, finally admitting that he himself was unsure of what was going on, or what was going to happen between them. "But," he said as he looked to Cloud, "somehow it's all okay."

"How can you be so sure all the time, Zack? What if this isn't okay?"

"Well, how do you feel when we're together?"

Cloud fell silent, looking down at the ground.

"Cloud look at me." Zack reached out and gently tugged his chin towards him. Cloud's eyes flickered up to meet his intense gaze. "When we're together, you drive me crazy."

"What?" Cloud whispered, looking fearful; hurt.

"You make all kinds of emotions argue with each other inside my head, and I'm not sure how to make them shut up."

Cloud smiled weakly.

"But when I see this," Zack said, trailing his thumb across Cloud's smiling lips, "it makes everything seem so quiet, so peaceful inside my mind."

"That's really sappy," Cloud chuckled, but gently kissed Zack's caressing thumb on his mouth.

"I know, but it's the truth."

Cloud reached up and grasped Zack's hand in his own. "I guess I'm glad that I drive you crazy, then."

"Cloud," Zack said, and as he spoke the blond's name, he felt the grip on his hand get tighter. His voice came out firm, confident as he began to speak. "This is okay."

Cloud's eyes seemed to reflect his thoughts. Thoughts that were still unsure and muddled.

Zack lowered his hand, and their contact broke. "You never answered my question, Chocobo."

The blond just shook his head silently, unable to speak the words that flowed through his mind. Cloud knew exactly how he felt when he was around Zack.

_You make everything go away, you make my troubles seem to disappear. You...make me forget, Zack. And I can only remember you._

They entered Zack's apartment, and instantly the smell of their hair and clothes deepened. It really stood out on them now, and had they not been so full, the smell would have made them hungry once more.

Zack peeled his coat off and disappeared inside his room. Cloud glanced at the clock in the kitchen. He still had a bit of time before his liberty was over. Even though Mejia was gone, he still didn't want to be late in returning. He wondered what Ratcliff was doing since he said he had plans, but on second thought, decided he'd rather not know.

"I'm so damn stuffed," Zack said, reappearing in the living room. Cloud could finally see the shirt he had on underneath. It was of a similar style to the one he was wearing, but Zack's was a solid deep blue. It must have been the latest style or something. Cloud was never really into all of that, and he was thankful for this night that Ratcliff seemed to be in-the-know.

"Yeah, me too. I think I could possibly cook something now. Or at least throw down meat onto a fire and eat it when it was charred enough."

Zack laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I can't believe we almost set the place ablaze."

"_Really_? You can't? Two men with no culinary prowess whatsoever cooking with a hot, open flame, and you honestly can't believe that?"

"Well, when you put it like that..." Zack sat down on the couch with a heavy, yet content sounding sigh. He stretched, his eyes squeezing shut. He looked like a lazy cat getting ready to fall asleep in the sun. He relaxed, blinking his eyes slowly as he looked up to Cloud who still stood nervously near the door. "Come sit with me. You still have time before you need to be back, right?" He patted the spot next to him.

"Y-yeah, I have a little over two hours." He shifted on his feet, watching as Zack flipped on the television.

"I think that sitcom is on."

"I hate that show..." Cloud said, finally admitting about the show that always seem to be on when they were together.

Zack snorted a laugh, flipping through several stations to find it. "I hate it too, actually." He found it, but turned down the volume. "C'mon Chocobo, come sit next to me."

"Calling me that nickname isn't going to make me come."

Zack pressed his lips together, refraining from twisting his words around one last time that evening. He couldn't refrain from squeaking out a strained laugh, however.

Cloud hadn't realized what he said, and he just figured that he was laughing about his dislike of the nickname. But he sat down next to Zack regardless, and smiled shyly when Zack patted his thigh.

"Have fun tonight?"

The blond nodded. It was true that he had fun, but now that the night was winding down, he was growing nervous over the words he had spoken to Zack earlier that day. He wondered what Zack would think if he were to back out in the end. He was really losing his nerve now, as Zack's patting turned to mindless rubbing.

They sat in silence for quite some time, watching the television. One was relatively watching it with a bit of interest, the other was just going through the motions of watching it, but was really beginning to panic.

"Are you okay?" Zack was suddenly looking at Cloud, who began breathing rather heavily.

He just nodded a few times, but the fear in his eyes suggested otherwise.

"Why do you look so frightened?" Zack reached up and cupped Cloud's face in his hand, turning his head to force him to look at him.

_I can't do it, I can't do it. _Cloud's mind was racing with this repeated thought. He wanted to return the affection, he wanted to share with Zack the same passion that he shared with him before. To let Zack know that he cared about him the same way. Wasn't it...mandatory? It was what two people did when they cared about each other, right?

His thoughts were screaming now, drowning out all his other feelings. He couldn't hear the heartbeat that pulsed in his chest, he couldn't feel the muscles that began to move on their own. He stared at Zack, looking into those deep eyes that held so much emotion for him. Cloud's vision was tunneled, only seeing the man before him as his facial expression went from concern to shock.

Cloud didn't recognize the arms that were wrapping around Zack's neck. He couldn't understand why Zack's eyes were frantically darting back and forth. Zack's lips moved, but no words could be heard.

_I can't...do it._

Zack was getting closer to him, even though it looked like the man was leaning away. His lips moved again, but Cloud couldn't see what words he mouthed, as those lips were suddenly forced to stop.

Zack let out a surprised noise as Cloud seized his lips with his own. The boy was trembling, he was breathing erratically. But he continued to scoot closer to him with each clumsy kiss.

They began hastily at first, as Zack struggled to keep up with Cloud's pace. Zack forced Cloud to slow his pace, however, as Cloud's hands began to fumble across his face and neck, then down to the shirt he wore.

"Mm...Cloud...?" Zack tried to pry him away, but he had slipped onto his lap, pinning him against the couch. He felt Cloud's tongue dart across his lips as his shaking hands began to unbutton Zack's shirt. "H-hey..." He shook his head, finally breaking away from Cloud's touch.

Cloud pulled away slowly. "Zack...I-I don't know what I'm doing."

Zack chuckled, helping him slide off of his lap and back onto the couch next to him. "Sure could have fooled me." Zack wiped his mouth with his hand. "I wasn't prepared for that."

"S-sorr-"

"Ah!"

Cloud shut his mouth closed with a click of his teeth.

Zack shook his head, trying to gather the thoughts that suddenly started to fly around in the onslaught of Cloud's very unexpected advance. "Not that I'm complaining, but one minute you're spacin' out, and then the next you're attacking me with kisses."

"Attacking?" He looked mortified.

"Well, it wasn't a bad thing. Just...surprising." Zack smiled at Cloud, trying to reassure him.

"I just..." Cloud trailed off.

"It's okay, Cloud. Don't...force yourself, remember?"

"But…I..."

Zack hushed him patiently, once again rubbing his thigh. "Just sit here and relax with me, okay?"

They both adjusted themselves against the couch, and resumed watching television. Although now both of them were just going through the motions. Zack sneaked a glance at Cloud through the corner of his eye after a few silent minutes passed by. The blond was twisting his hands together, slightly bouncing a leg. There was a faint tint to his skin that suggested he was nervous, and thinking about something.

Probably the same thing that Zack was thinking about.

_I can't...I gotta build that trust._

They looked at each other, and apprehensive smiles were shared.

"Cloud?"

"...Yes?"

"Can I ask what you're thinking about right now?"

There was a moment's pause as Cloud sat, still twisting his hands within each other.

_You._

When Cloud didn't answer, a gentle smile broke out on Zack's face, and he reached over to pull him into an embrace. His arms never found Cloud's shoulders, however, as he willingly leaned into Zack's neck before he could reach him. Zack's heart began to beat heavily once they connected, and he breathed deep into Cloud's hair. Cloud responded to this by nuzzling into his neck, and this caused Zack's pulse to intensify.

Even with his past relationships, he had never had someone that could make his body react in the way that it did when he was with this boy. His head became muddled, drowning in a flood of emotion. With each simple word, with each gentle touch from the boy, it caused Zack's stomach to wrench into knots of disbelief. His breathing was as unsteady as his heartbeat whenever Cloud was near.

"Are you okay, Zack?" Cloud tilted his head up, his nose brushing up against Zack's chin as he did so.

Zack looked down at him, placing a small kiss on his nose. "Yes, why?"

Cloud frowned, his hand going up to Zack's chest. "Your heartbeat is fast."

"I know," Zack whispered.

The blond shifted up, his eyes wide. Did he really have that effect on this man? Cloud's hand continued to press against his chest, as he leaned forward and brushed his lips up against Zack's.

They began to kiss once more, but now it was a subtle dance of their lips; unhurried, meaningful. Hands remained where they were, their bodies pressed together not in a show of need, but in a show of an affinity for one another. No noises were uttered, just the sound of their breath blending together between them was all that was heard.

Neither wanted to part from the other's embrace in fear of losing the moment. But they gradually relaxed with each touching of their lips, and each minute caress of their hands, assured that nothing would change if they were to move. Slowly, those caresses began to seek out more places to explore, and tentative fingers began to roam across skin.

Chaste kisses were replaced with heady sweeps of their tongues, heads turning with the increasing speed of their passion. The quietness in the room was broken by a soft moan that finally escaped the burning lungs of the blond.

Zack melted at the sound, his stomach turning into that knot he felt around Cloud. He truly loved that feeling, in the end. Soon, Cloud was seeking around blindly for the buttons on Zack's shirt. Once found, he began to pluck them apart, and this caused Zack to pull from Cloud's lips and stare at him with a look of uncertainty.

In his head swam a maelstrom of confusion and indecisiveness. This couldn't have been Cloud; he was forcing himself to appease him once more. Cloud wasn't the one to initiate something like this. He hadn't the nerve or the courage to be so forward. Zack couldn't take advantage of him like this.

_I can't let this happen. _Zack placed his hands on Cloud's and tried to tug them away, but they were on a defiant trek down his chest. Each button was soon undone, and Cloud's hands delved inside, smoothing along Zack's rigid chest, which was now heaving quite noticeably.

"Cloud," Zack said through labored breaths, trying to get his attention.

Cloud ignored him. He slid back onto his lap, nudging Zack's hair away from his neck with his nose. He trailed his hands down Zack's chest as he began to kiss his neck, letting out a breathy moan with each touch of his lips.

_This...has to stop..._

Zack leaned his head back, his eyes fluttering closed as Cloud began to run his hands against the top of his jeans. He could feel his belt being tugged on, and soon it was open with relative ease. Cloud snaked his belt out and dropped it to the floor.

"Cloud." He lifted his head when he felt Cloud cease his kissing in order to find the fly on Zack's pants. He was finally able to grasp onto Cloud's hands right before he flicked the button open. "Stop for a minute."

The blond finally obeyed, and he slowly looked up to Zack with a very apprehensive look. "S-something wrong?"

"What are you doing?" He massaged the boy's hands in his, coaxing him to let go of the zipper that was about to be tugged down.

"Um...w-what you did for me the other night," Cloud murmured, blushing furiously at his words.

Zack shook his head, his eyes narrowing in thought. "Why? You don't have to do that."

"But...you did it for me."

"That doesn't mean you're obligated to do it for me, Cloud."

"But you wanted it last night. What makes tonight any different?"

Zack squeezed his eyes shut, sighing. How could he argue with that, especially when he had an obvious bulge in his pants that was pressing against Cloud's lap? Ever the reminder of his forwardness from the night before.

Cloud began to run his hand against that bulge, and it made Zack release a soft growl of competing emotions. "Please, let me do it," Cloud whispered.

"...Are you sure?" Zack watched as Cloud slipped off his body, and onto his knees below. He spread Zack's legs out and nestled himself between, running his hands along the man's thighs.

Cloud shook his head, but smiled. "No, I'm not sure."

"Then why do you want to do this?"

"Because I'm always unsure. I won't know until after I try, otherwise I'll never do it, and I'll never know."

"That's nonsense, Cloud. Just stop and think this over, plea-" Zack was cut off by his own choke of a breath as his pants were opened.

Cloud began to tug at the jeans that Zack didn't seem to want to relinquish. "Please Zack, I want to make you happy..."

"You do," he said, then grunted as he found himself lifting his hips to allow Cloud to pull his jeans down to his ankles. His body began to move on its own as if satisfied with Cloud's uncertain answers, all the while his mind scolding him for giving in.

"I think I want to do this..."

There was no doubt in Zack's mind that Cloud cared for him, and under other circumstances, he would have believed Cloud's reasons. But the fact that his mind had been twisted around by Mejia, Zack wasn't convinced that he was doing this for the right reasons.

Zack was going to move away. He was going to tell him to stop, and to really consider what he was doing, and why he was doing it. He was going to pull Cloud up into a tender embrace, telling him to think more clearly for himself, and that he would wait for him for as long as it took. As long as Cloud was ready to make his own decisions without any fear of retaliation, or whatever else was possibly going through his head.

He was going to do all of that, until Cloud's hand dipped beneath his underwear, and grasped his hard member.

"S-shit..." Zack winced with the initial shock, and Cloud glanced up at him with worry.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Zack shook his head numbly, his eyes fluttering closed once more when it was fully released. He let out a small noise as Cloud began to tug his underwear down, and he mindlessly obeyed. They joined the jeans down at his ankles.

Cloud began to stroke him slowly, gripping him a bit tight at first, but gradually loosened his grip with each pleased breath that flowed from Zack. Cloud watched him, studying his facial expressions carefully, learning which angle received the most animated response, or the loudest groan.

"Want...me to use my mouth?" Cloud looked up at him, his eyes hazed with a desire that put a bit of Zack's fears behind. His skin was stained in red over his actions, and over his words. He seemed nervous, yet strangely confident – as if he had been thinking about this, and considering it for a while. Even if it was probably for only a short time. But then, Zack had no idea how long Cloud might have had feelings for him to begin with. He could have thought about this more than Zack could have imagined.

"You shouldn't be doing any of this."

Cloud just ignored him once again, slowly running his hand along the length. The soft feeling of it made Cloud lick his lips, those hazy eyes stared blindly, lustfully. He scooted himself closer, and he could tell by the look on Zack's face that he was hoping for him to take him in his mouth. With each lick of Cloud's lips, Zack's eyebrows would raise hopefully on his face, and his breathing would quicken. The couch would squeak beneath him as he seemed to squirm, waiting.

"I want to," he whispered, then lowered his mouth down to Zack's member. He hesitated for a brief moment – perhaps it was to tease. He glanced back up to Zack, who just had his eyebrows raised, and his mouth open in anticipation.

And then, in a quick instance, Zack felt as if he were enveloped in a swarm of heat. Every nerve in the rest of his body began to shut down, and they solely focused on the feeling of Cloud's hot mouth as it closed around the tip of his member.

Cloud hummed softly once his lips closed around it. His hand was stroking him at the base as he began to slowly move his head down. He could feel Zack's body tense beneath him, but then relax as he continued his motions.

He was inexperienced, and clumsy. His hand would grip Zack too tight at times, and the bobbing of his head wasn't rhythmic. But the little sounds he made as he tried made each one of his awkward movements unite in a way that was more than just pleasurable for Zack's physical being.

His heart – it wouldn't stop racing.

Zack blinked slowly and watched the sight before him. He reached down, passing his hand across Cloud's hair lightly, watching as his eyes fluttered open finally, and their gaze met. "Cloud..."

Speaking his name caused Cloud to flush, but it fueled him, gave him the confidence he needed to continue. Zack had been quiet – not uttering one word or noise once he started. He realized that Zack was concentrating on his movements just as much as he was himself. Cloud wanted to do this right; he wanted to make Zack feel good.

As much as his own experience had embarrassed him, when it came down to it, it was the emotion and consideration that Zack had shown him during that that had made him feel good. He only hoped that he could do the same.

Zack's hands slid deep into Cloud's hair, but he kept them loose, not wanting to make the boy feel trapped. He began to verbally respond to Cloud's slow sucking, and he found that his hips began to rock upwards.

Cloud paused, a bit surprised when Zack started to move, causing his member to slide deeper into his mouth.

"S-sorry..." Zack said, breathless.

Cloud released his member with a suckling noise, which caused Zack to groan in slight disapproval. "Don't worry, Zack." He grasped the shaft once more, but towards the top. His thumb circled the tip of the head as he ran his tongue from the base upwards.

Zack shuddered, tightening his grip in Cloud's hair. "Shit."

He continued this, occasionally flicking his tongue up at the tip before he delved back downwards once more. After a few times of doing this, and after Zack's moaning began to climb in pitch, Cloud stopped and pulled back. "Am I doing okay...?"

"You keep that up, and I'll come soon."

Cloud didn't have much of a response, but a bit of anxiety crossed his eyes at Zack's words.

Zack caressed the boy's face tenderly. "You can stop, if you want."

He shook his head, smiling up at him sweetly. "I don't."

"Okay, if you're sure," Zack whispered, brushing his thumb across his cheekbone. _He still looks like an angel, even while doing this..._

That hot mouth was once again placed down onto Zack's erection, slowly descending. With each bob of his head, Cloud began to hum pleasurable noises. It was quiet and restrained, but each one drove further into Zack's stamina, draining away his control.

Zack found his hips to be rising from the couch, thrusting himself into Cloud's wet mouth. He couldn't help but ignore the startled noise that came from the boy as he continued, or perhaps his own noises were drowning out anything else in the room.

The muscles in Zack's stomach began to wind tight, his breathing reached a pace that left his head murky and dim. Fingers convulsed into the blond hair; his heart was still racing. He began to reach the peak of bliss.

It was bad enough that he had let Cloud go this far, he wasn't going to degrade him by coming in his mouth, or anywhere near him, for that matter. This was too new to him; to experience something like that first off would be a cause for concern with his already wavering confidence.

Zack glanced around for something – anything he could release into, but Cloud's quickening pace along his member was making it hard to look, let alone see anything but the increasing haze of pleasure.

"C-Cloud...!" Zack's hands gripped his hair tight as he threw his head back. "S-stop, I'm going to come..." his voice came out in a choke.

Cloud continued, his hand tightening its hold, his tongue swirling around the head that was about to spill.

"L-let go, please, Cloud. I don't wanna...n-not in your mouth..." Zack pried one of his hands away from Cloud's scalp and tried to wedge it between himself and Cloud's chin. "Please..." All he managed to get was more resistance. He repeated this plea several times before it morphed into moans of splendor.

Cloud glanced up to Zack, watching as he writhed beneath him. His eyes were pleading with him to let go as he neared his end, but Cloud just adjusted his pace to match the thrusting in his mouth. He grew nervous, yet anxious to bring Zack to the same level of emotion he had experienced.

He could hear Zack's moaning become frantic, louder. And he felt Zack tense against him, clutching his hair between his fingers. His name rolled off Zack's lips before he felt the member in his mouth tighten, and release.

Cloud squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the hot liquid fill his mouth. He sputtered, awkwardly swallowing as best he could, even as Zack continued to move.

Zack slowly unfolded his fingers, his vision finally flowing back from the blinding darkness he saw. He looked down to see Cloud finally pulling away, his face pale. "You...okay?" he said, through labored breaths.

Cloud sat back on his heels, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth as it looked like he was either swallowing heavily still, or gagging. But he slowly nodded, his eyes crawling back up to meet Zack's. "Yeah."

He glanced down to himself briefly. Cloud had cleaned him up pretty good – he was surprised. But he looked back to him, a warm smile enveloping his face. "Get up here, please," he whispered.

The blond nodded and climbed onto the couch next to Zack. He whimpered a bit as Zack turned into him, pushing him down onto his back with a forceful kiss. He could feel Zack beginning to unbutton his jeans as he kissed him, pushing his tongue into his mouth and his hand into his pants.

"Zack," he murmured between each heavy kiss. He felt his jeans being tugged down, followed by his underwear. He gasped then, Zack's hand grasping him tightly. He groaned quietly as he was stroked. It was slow at first, matching the speed of their kissing, and Cloud began to arch his back up against Zack.

Zack broke the kiss to begin lapping at Cloud's earlobe. This was responded with by a very loud moan, and arms that wrapped around his body. His tongue then trailed down from Cloud's ear to his neck. He nipped at it, which caused Cloud to cry out, and caused Zack to growl. He pulled away, his eyes burning into Cloud's, which were now glazed over with lust and a bit of confusion.

"Want me to stop?"

"No," Cloud said, trying to tug Zack back down. "Don't."

"Good, I wasn't planning on it," he said before he began to slip down his body to take Cloud into his mouth, but Cloud groaned and pulled against his arms when he tried to move.

"Don't, just...kiss me." Cloud lifted his head, pressing his lips against Zack's when he remained where he was. He pushed his tongue into the man's mouth greedily while digging his fingers into his back.

Zack let go of Cloud's stiff member to begin tugging his shirt open. He finally was able to hear the string of snaps of the buttons that he envisioned from when he first saw him in the shirt that evening. It was a wonderful sound, and he couldn't help but chuckle seductively at it. He gently pushed the shirt to his sides before his hand skimmed down Cloud's heaving chest. He grasped him once more.

Cloud bucked his hips, sliding himself in Zack's palm. He hadn't realized how aroused he was from pleasuring Zack, until a few thrusts, and a few timed strokes of Zack's hand quickly began to raise the noises he made.

Zack smiled as Cloud moaned, and this allowed Zack to push his tongue in further, running it along each ridge inside of Cloud's mouth. He quickened his strokes below, and Cloud began to tense. He knew it wouldn't take much more to make him finish, so he pulled back, watching as Cloud twisted in pleasure beneath him.

Cloud looked as if he were trying to hang onto the short length of restraint he had left before he eventually climaxed. Zack leaned down, giving one last kiss on Cloud's lips, and their eyes locked, both filled with an intense passion.

"Come for me, angel," Zack whispered.

Cloud stiffened then, his breath catching in his throat. His fingers curled, clawing into the back of Zack's neck. Zack caught Cloud's lips with his when he started to cry out. He wanted to catch the moment, and those beautiful sounds, with his mouth as Cloud released onto his chest.

Zack purred, slowing his hand movements as Cloud began to convulse by his touch in the aftermath. He kissed his forehead softly, stirring up a sated noise from the boy whose breath was finally leveling from its erratic pattern.

Cloud murmured Zack's name a few times, and with each time Zack grinned a little wider. Cloud's eyes opened partially to the sight of Zack above him with that broad smile. "What...?" He was blushing terribly.

A chuckle matched the amused look on the man's face. "I found a nickname that makes you come, after all."

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Seventeen: Fun and Lying.

Ending Author's Note: Mmmm...dessert has been served, yes? Lemon meringue would be appropriate. *naughty laugh* So, their first date went well, it seems! Hope you all enjoyed that bit of Clack action goin' on. Wow...it was Clack from start to finish, I realized. This is one of the longer chapters, too. You guys got a big ol' heapin' helpin' of Clack dessert, didn't you? Eat too much and you'll get a tummy ache. XD

Special thanks to Nekotsuki for beta'ing this chapter for me!


	17. Chapter Seventeen: Fun and Lying

Chapter Seventeen: Fun and Lying

* * *

He could hear his name being called from far away, and he struggled to gain his senses back from the darkness of his slumber.

"Strife! Get the hell up!"

He could hear the large double doors closing to the barracks, and he could hear a familiar voice muttering with another familiar voice about him being asleep. Of course he was asleep, what else would he be doing? He felt warm, he felt enveloped in an intangible darkness full of equally intangible comfort...it was very nice.

"Strife, seriously, get up!"

He could feel his shoulder being shaken, and he could hear himself groan in disapproval. A few more minutes, and he would have been okay...

That intangible comfort was not so much comfort any longer, as he could feel blankets being stripped off his body, and his pillow being tugged out from underneath his head. He heard a few curse words leaving his mouth, but he had no control over what he said, or how he said it. It did receive a slightly amused chuckle from one of those two familiar voices above him.

"He's totally out, yeah?"

He heard his voice once more, slurring this time. "I'm not out. Just sleeping." Did he really sound like that when he was waking up?

"Strife, you have five seconds to pry those baby blues open, and get your ass outta bed and into formation."

And those baby blues opened, not as fast as they probably should have, but they did, nonetheless. "Sir?" He looked up to find the owners of the two voices to be Ratcliff and a very irked-looking Kunsel. It took a lot to get him to look that way, so they must have been trying to wake him for quite some time.

"Don't 'sir' me, Strife. I oughtta have you clean out the Turks' locker room for this."

Cloud rolled onto his back and sat up, blinking slowly. He was quite groggy – and it showed. "Lockers?" His hand went to his head and he groaned slightly. Waking up with two people yelling at him, let alone waking up with a throbbing headache, was not his idea of an enjoyable morning.

"Get dressed, _now_. We have Hand-to-Hand! Your ass should be up and out the door with the others!"

He closed his eyes momentarily while Kunsel spoke, but a moment lasted too long and his head dipped down to his chest. That darkness was pulling him back again, and it was still nice.

"He must've been out partying to get like this."

"He's usually an early bird, yeah," Ratcliff said, shaking Cloud's shoulder once more. "Hey, wake up before Kunsel goes ape shit on you, yeah."

Cloud groaned again, quite boyishly – like a child being dragged out of bed for the first day of school. "Okay..."

Kunsel folded his arms across his chest, perturbed at this unusual behavior. Cloud never went out on liberty, and he certainly was never late in waking up and joining in the formation. "Strife, what were you drinking last night?"

Cloud's eyes peeled open, and finally his senses were returning to normal. "I wasn't."

Kunsel snorted, and Ratcliff smiled.

"You sure as hell look like you were," Kunsel said, shaking his head. "Just get up."

Cloud kicked the remaining blankets off and stood, wincing with the throbbing in his head. "Sir."

"Two minutes, Strife. And remember that it takes me far less time in thinking of a punishment, so you better make good use of your time." Despite these firm words, Kunsel gave Cloud a friendly slap on the shoulder – or perhaps it was to jar him into reality as his eyes began to sink closed again.

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

"Ratty – back to the formation."

Ratcliff nodded, before shooting Cloud a look of concern and confusion, and he turned stiffly on his heel and exited the barracks.

"Seriously, Cloud," Kunsel said, dropping formalities as they were alone, "this isn't like you to sleep so late. What did you do last night?"

Cloud began to make his bunk quickly, shaking from the depleting drowsiness, and also from being rather angry at himself for sleeping too late. "Sorry, sir, I just..." he trailed off, his mind going back to his night with Zack. His mouth twitched slightly, but he fought back the smile. "...There was a bookstore that was having a sale, and I got caught up reading there and lost track of time..."

Kunsel scoffed. And here he thought Cloud was out getting laid. "Well, just don't do this again."

"Sir."

"Suit up."

Cloud nodded and jogged past Kunsel towards the lockers. He dressed in their issued P.T. gear and washed up as fast as he could. He nearly forgot to put the toothpaste on his brush as he tried to move quickly.

Kunsel was at the double doors waiting for him. He watched as Cloud walked past looking frightfully pale and, frankly, unnerved. As he exited, Kunsel could smell smoke on him, and a hint of something else, but he couldn't quite figure it out. It reminded him of something, or someone.

"Never heard of a bookstore that cooks barbeque."

"W-what?" Cloud stopped, turning to face Kunsel who was grinning rather triumphantly over something.

"You heard me."

Cloud shifted on his feet, just staring back at Kunsel a bit dubiously.

"So, what's her name?"

"Sir?"

"Don't lie to me. You were out on a date, weren't you? Why would you be smelling like you bathed in a fire, in a _bookstore _of all places?"

Cloud was surprised with himself that he was able to fight back the blush that threatened to surface on his face then. "Shouldn't we be going down to the gym, sir?"

Kunsel just peered at him from beneath his SOLDIER helmet, surveying each minute movement of the muscles in Cloud's face. When Cloud's eyes darted to the side briefly, he knew his suspicions were right.

"Alright, Strife. Get into the pack." He smirked as Cloud nodded and joined the waiting unit.

* * *

The men disbanded the formation line after Kunsel explained and demonstrated some old and new moves. He paired them in their usual, and Ratcliff and Cloud faced off, due to their similar size and strength. It would just be a bit reckless to pair up someone like Cloud with someone like Graves.

"Remember," Kunsel said, surveying as his unit began to assemble with their opponents, "the point of this exercise is to control your opponent, and to advance your position for submission."

A few men chuckled at that, but quickly quieted as Kunsel shot them a rather intimidating glare. He was a friendly man, but certainly not one to trifle with. He was a SOLDIER, after all.

"And remember, I don't want anyone to have to be sent to the infirmary. This is a training exercise, not actual combat. Got it?"

The collective cry from the unit was met with a nod by the SOLDIER, and they began to lock themselves into various grapple holds. There was scuffling all around, the sound of the mats beneath them squealing with disapproval as men were tossed down on them. There was some grunting, laughing and angry cries of testosterone that mixed between as they squared off.

The two blonds were hunched over, their hands blindly grabbing one another in an attempt to overpower the other. They tried to sidestep, and they tried to outsmart. Their weight was used as leverage, and their shirts were balled up in their fists almost as a source of balance.

Cloud widened his stance as he tried to jab at Ratcliff's neck for a frontal choke hold. Ratcliff brought his left hand up and pressed it against Cloud's outstretched elbow. He brought his right hand up between them as he sudden stepped around Cloud, snaking that hand up around his neck. He rotated his hips into Cloud's stomach and caused him to suddenly double over. With ease, Ratcliff stood, picking Cloud up off of his feet on his back. He flipped him down onto the mat with a hard slapping sound.

"C'mon, Cloud. You have to do better than that, yeah?" He offered his hand down to him, and Cloud just pushed it out of the way, a bit angrily. He always got visibly upset when he didn't have the upper hand in their ground fighting training. It was either from being a sore loser, or just being frustrated with himself. Ratcliff always figured it was the latter.

He stood on his own, wobbling a bit from the jarring take-down. He lunged forward a bit clumsily, his hands gripping at the shirt over Ratcliff's shoulders. He was gritting his teeth, and looking more endearing than intimidating, or at least so Ratcliff thought.

Ratcliff wiggled a bit, trying to dislodge Cloud's grasp, but only managed to have his shirt slip up his torso in the process. "Trying to strip me?" He laughed breathlessly when Cloud just growled in response. "Feisty today, yeah?"

"Where's Graves?" Cloud suddenly asked, his teeth now grinding and creating a rather disturbing noise that sent a chill down Ratcliff's spine. Or perhaps it was his question that disturbed him.

"Dunno," he said, and it was partially true, of course.

"He," Cloud said, and then grunted as they changed positions a bit, "didn't come back last night."

They circled around while still in each other's hold, each trying to find an opening that would allow the other to take over.

"Maybe he got caught for skipping out on his punishment yesterday. He's probably in trouble with the Brass as we speak, yeah!" Ratcliff tried to dart around Cloud in an attempt to get him into a sleeper hold, but Cloud moved to stop him.

Cloud reached up and grabbed the right side of Ratcliff's neck, and thrust him downwards. He dove forward, wrapping his right arm underneath Ratcliff's neck, and grabbing his jaw in his hand tightly. Ratcliff uttered a small cry of surprise and pain. Cloud slipped his other arm underneath Ratcliff's armpit and grasped his other wrist as it let go of Ratcliff's chin. He began to dig his hands into Ratcliff's Adam's apple, and he could hear him begin to cough.

Cloud took that opportunity to suddenly jump up, wrapping his legs around Ratcliff's waist, causing him to buckle and fall with Cloud's weight onto the mat below. He landed on top of Cloud as his grip finally released.

"Strife!" Kunsel ran over and a few people stopped to watch Cloud finally take someone down. Ratcliff was scrawny, but he certainly was no pushover. "That was a perfect submission take-down! Why did you let him go?"

Ratcliff sputtered a bit, finally picking himself up off of laying on top of Cloud after he caught a much needed breath. He wasn't expecting Cloud to pull out something like that, let alone fall on top of him, pressed against his chest. He admittedly didn't want to get up.

Kunsel leaned down, lifting an eyebrow at Cloud who just lay there panting heavily. He seemed more exerted over his actions than Ratcliff. "You all right, Strife?"

Cloud tried to sit up, but fell back down to the mat with a small groan.

"C'mon Strife, get up. I don't know how many times I have to say that to you today," Kunsel said, shaking his head. "Ratcliff, help him up."

Ratcliff grabbed Cloud's arms and tugged him up into a sitting position.

Kunsel turned to the rest of the unit as they had stopped and were watching the scene in front of them. "'Ey! Did I say your asses could stop?" They all scrambled back into their positions and resumed their exercises. "You must have one hell of a hangover, Strife. And unless you're actually sick, hangovers won't cut it with me. Better get up," Kunsel said as he squat down next to the blond who was still panting laboriously.

"I don't," he finally managed. "It's not a hangover, sir."

Ratcliff shook his head to Kunsel. "He wouldn't, sir."

"Yeah right, that's what he wants us to think," he said, jokingly. "Can you stand?"

Cloud nodded and slowly got to his feet, with a little help from Ratcliff. "Sorry, sir."

"Can you continue?"

He nodded again, but only caused the two men to frown in disbelief. But they allowed him to continue.

After a few more rounds with Ratcliff, each time submitting, Cloud seemed more and more passive about his losses. And with each bout, he was easier to take down. He seemed distracted.

Finally, they were told to form up again, and head back to the barracks for a much needed shower before they were to hit the cafeteria for lunch. They headed down to the barracks, and the conversation between Ratcliff and Cloud was nonexistent. Ratcliff couldn't face him, he could barely look at him once he mentioned Graves' name. What was he supposed to say to him? He had no idea where he went, or why he had gone.

And of course, Cloud could tell that he was lying.

* * *

"Tseng, can we talk?"

Tseng looked up from his desk to see Zack standing in the doorway, peering in from the side as if he were afraid to enter.

"Come in," he said, a bit surprised at Zack's almost professional demeanor. He watched as the SOLDIER took a seat, which he seldom ever did when they needed to speak with one another. "Keep this short, I have a lot of work to do."  
"Now that's not very nice. I come in here with respect, and you greet me with nothing but ice. And you wonder why I'm so disrespectful with you."

"Zack."

"Okay, okay." He fidgeted in his seat, frowning briefly. "Any word on Mejia's whereabouts?"

"Why?"

"What do you mean, 'why'? I want to kick his ass, that's why."

Tseng let a quick smirk grace his face, before it dissolved into his usual blank mask. "Lazard has sent out a few scouting units, but they have yet to uncover his exact location."

"Will the Turks be sent out?"

Tseng set down his pen and leaned back in his chair, which was a sign that he was willing to talk. He picked up his coffee cup and took a small sip, his gaze never leaving Zack's.

"So they will."

"Get to your point, Zack."

Zack reached out and grabbed a blue stress-ball that sat rather befittingly on Tseng's desk, although it hardly looked used. He began to toss it between his hands, instead of using it for its intended purpose. "I want to be the one that goes to get him."

Another sip of his coffee, this time a bit longer.

"I'll bring him back alive, I promise."

"We received a tip that he was spotted near the plains in Kalm, heading towards the Chocobo Farm. There's a cave that passes through the mountains to the other side of the continent. He could be planning to head towards Junon to cross the ocean."

"That'd be stupid, there's a base there. He'd be spotted instantly."

Tseng grinned, albeit scarcely. "Well, he was never the smartest individual, was he?"

Zack began to squeeze the stress-ball in his hands.

"I can deploy you and another Turk to the cave via helicopter. He's on foot, as far as we know, so you should be able to intercept him by the time we get you there."

"Really?" Zack tossed the ball up into the air, and it spun around as it fell back into his palm. "When can I go?"

"I'll have to run this by the Director, but hopefully by tomorrow afternoon. You'll touch down by late evening." He began stamping several documents on his desk methodically. A bit too bureaucratic, and it seemed as if Tseng was destined to file paperwork for the rest of his life in this fashion.

"That's great! Who'll I work with?"

"I haven't decided," Tseng said, finally looking up from his robotic movements. "I'm not sending you with Cissnei, if that's what you're thinking."

Zack snorted a laugh. If Tseng only knew he wasn't interested in her any longer. And it's not like he was interested in men only at this point. He was just interested in...Cloud, really. "What about Sephiroth?" Zack asked, his laughter finally dying down.

"He's on a mission of his own in Junon."

"Oh." Zack was a bit disappointed. He hadn't worked with Sephiroth in a long time, and hadn't even seen him much since the day he informed Zack of the molestation incident. He wanted to thank him again for having saved Cloud. He did what Zack was unable to do, and as he was thankful that it ended as best as it could, he was upset with himself for not having been there for Cloud.

"Strife is being sent out tomorrow, too."

"...What?" was Zack's bewildered reply.

"Just a simple mission. Nothing too strenuous, for your peace of mind."

"I'm fine, I thought I told you and the shrink that."

Tseng just ignored him. "There's a festival in Kalm tomorrow night, and they requested for some law enforcement to be sent there to keep order."

"Festival? For what?"

"The town thrives off the mythril they get from the mines. It's a dangerous job that has a lot of the townsfolk away for weeks to months on end. When they come back, the people just like to have something to celebrate."

"Wish I would get a welcome party like that when I came back from _my_ dangerous jobs."

Tseng smirked, but continued on. "Apparently the previous year there was a bit of a drunken riot that ensued during one of their celebrations. It would have been easily dealt with had there been some sort of established order there, but you know how those smaller towns go."

"I'm from a village, and I can't say we've ever had drunken riots break out there. Hell, if that'd happened, I'd probably had stayed; it would've been more interesting."

Tseng chuckled, until he realized he had chuckled, and immediately decided to change the direction of the conversation. It was getting too personal. Zack always had that ability – he was just too comfortable a person to be around, even for someone like the hardened Turk. That was half of the reason why he was so quick to kick the SOLDIER out of his office whenever he came in. He didn't want to cross that line and actually converse with him in anything other than a professional way. The other half was that, well, Zack was that excited puppy.

But the puppy wasn't too excited at the moment as the reality of it settled in. "How...many people is he going with? I don't think he could handle any riots that broke out on his own."

"It'll be Strife, four other infantrymen, and one SOLDIER."

"That's it? For an entire town?"

"If one SOLDIER and five Shin-Ra infantrymen can't handle a few drunken idiots, then my faith in this company might waver, and I'll call my stock broker up to sell my stocks immediately."

"Good...point." As if he understood stocks at all, anyway. He chuckled like he did, however.

"Besides, maybe he'll have some fun."

Zack frowned for a moment, but then forced himself to smile. "Yeah, maybe." For Tseng to say a sentence with the word 'fun' in it, it frankly unnerved him.

* * *

Cloud showered, and immediately began to feel a bit better. He wondered if he had caught something that might have been going around the barracks. His body just didn't feel as if it wanted to wake. His head felt rather murky throughout the morning, and it was hard for him to concentrate on Kunsel's instructions. But as far as he knew, no one had been ill for quite sometime. As the day went on, and he became more active, his body began to feel stronger. He still had that headache, however, and he realized that he was in need of some food. He hadn't eaten since his dinner with Zack the night before.

His stomach tightened at the memory of his night with the SOLDIER. He was held in Zack's arms for the remainder of their time together, cuddling up on the couch and basking in the glow of the television.

They didn't speak much, and there was no kissing. It was just gentle holding of each other. Zack would occasionally reach up to caress Cloud's arm or face, and they would smile in harmony, but neither would speak. They were afraid to say anything to each other, as if they were to disrupt the tender mood that fell around them. Even as they parted, nothing but a simple, modest kiss was shared between them. Cloud could hardly look at Zack, not out of shame, but out of being enamored from the feelings they shared.

And he still felt that way, and the burning of his skin reminded him of it so persistently. He couldn't help but smile.

The cafeteria was its usual – packed and full of rowdy men. And the food was its usual – inconsistent temperatures and taste. But with Cloud's complaining stomach, it didn't matter much. He grabbed macaroni and cheese, as it was the hardest of the foods they served for the chefs to botch up. Pasta and melted cheese. It was simple, and full of the calories and carbohydrates his body craved after a workout. Probably not the healthiest of choices, but no matter how much he managed to eat, he never gained a pound.

He was concentrating hard on getting a lump of it to stay on his fork long enough to make it into his mouth. It was overcooked a bit – so much for his choice – and wouldn't stop sliding off his utensil. He didn't notice when someone took a seat awfully close to him.

"Are you finally going to talk to me, now?" Cloud said, figuring it had to have only been Ratcliff, seeing as Elici was dead, and Graves was nowhere to be found.

"That's funny to hear coming from you."

Cloud choked on the bite of food he attempted to swallow, and felt a gentle hand patting his back.

"You okay?"

"Zack," he said, catching his breath. "What're you doing down here?"

"Food, of course."

"Of course."

They both smiled, but Cloud wasn't looking at him. He was too busy stabbing his food.

"Who'd you think I was?"

"Ratcliff." Cloud let out a shocked noise as Zack grabbed his fork from his hands and expertly snagged a good forkful full of pasta.

"Don't you dare feed that to me," Cloud began, but watched as Zack ate it himself, and he trailed off.

"Overcooked," Zack said, after swallowing. "I might go for the soup."

"Well, I'm glad that sampling my food helped you decide," Cloud said, flatly. He took his fork back with a frown, and resumed eating.

Zack watched him eat with a large smile. He had considered feeding him, but realized he might not have been too happy with that, regardless if they were in a public place or not. "Something going on with you and Ratcliff?"

"No, not really," he said, partially lying. After he had left Zack's apartment, he tried to wait up late for Graves to show, as it wasn't unusual that the man snuck in well after lights out. But he had grown very tired very quickly and fell asleep before he had a chance to confront him and apologize. He wasn't sure how long he stayed up for but cursed himself for doing so, which was probably the reason why he had such a hard time waking up in the morning. After all that waiting, he never showed, and during training he was nowhere to be seen, as well.

Ratcliff was a terrible liar.

"'Not really'?" Zack lifted an eyebrow. Cloud was a terrible liar, just as well.

"Don't worry about it, Zack. Go get something to eat."

As much as Zack wanted to sit there and prod at Cloud more, his hunger was taking over. After a few minutes in line, he finally came back with macaroni and cheese, and came back with that same large grin.

"I thought you were going to get soup," Cloud said.

"I lied."

Cloud frowned, finishing off his meal.

"Are you scheduled for anything later on this evening?"

"Just some Land Nav out in the wastelands. Why?"

"I want to see you tonight," Zack said softly as a few people walked past. He saw Ratcliff in the corner of his eye sit down at a table across the cafeteria. He scooted to the side, obscuring himself behind a cluster of people. "We won't be able to see each other for the next few days."

"You have a mission?" Cloud's eyebrows lifted, looking rather eager to hear the details. Cloud loved to hear of Zack's tales and journeys.

"Yeah, might last for a night or two. Going to investigate a cave."

Cloud shot him a baffled look. "Investigate a cave? They need to send a 1st Class for that?"

Zack chuckled. "Seems like it."

"For what reason?"

Zack chewed his bite of food slowly, staring into Cloud's eyes, emotionless. He finally swallowed, realizing he had to say something to him. "It's rumored to have some rare materia there."

"Why send SOLDIER? I thought that was our job as the army. I've done that tons of times."

"I guess it must have some really good materia, then." Zack reached up and ruffled Cloud's hair, just as he was about to say something in protest.

Zack was also a terrible liar.

"But tonight, I'd like to see you before I go. That is, only if you want to."

Cloud rubbed his forehead after the ruffling, but not out of irritation; that headache just didn't seem to want to go away, even after eating. "Yeah, maybe, Zack."

"Maybe?"

Cloud lowered his hand to see a rather hurt expression on Zack's face. "Well, what did you have in mind?"

That expression disappeared. "I dunno, there's a stupid monster movie playing at the theater."

_Is this...another date?_

Cloud couldn't help but smile. "Sounds stupid."

"Great, then stop by my apartment when you're released from duty and we'll go."

They shared an amused chuckle with each other and finished their meal together. Zack watched with interest as Ratcliff slipped out of the cafeteria a short time later.

"Well, Cloud. I gotta start some paperwork for my mission tomorrow," Zack said, slapping Cloud on the shoulder as he stood. "I'll see you later."

Cloud just nodded with a bottle of water between his lips as he took a sip.

Zack chuckled and wondered if Cloud knew what else he was picturing between those lips. But he just gave him one more friendly pat on the shoulder before he exited, and followed Ratcliff.

* * *

"Hey," Zack said, his voice cutting through the group of men being rather loud in the hall.

Ratcliff stopped walking, his shoulders rising as if he had been caught in the act of something he shouldn't have been doing. But he turned slowly, smiling to Zack as best as he could. "Good to see you, sir."

"Walk with me."

"...Sir?"

Zack continued past him, and Ratcliff followed along, having to trot to keep up with Zack's long stride. "What's going on between you and Cloud?"

"Nothing, yeah."

"That so?"

Ratcliff was growing nervous. There seemed to be a strange aura about Zack that Ratcliff had never seen before. Or perhaps it was just his imagination, as he fidgeted in his skin. He was never good at lying, or keeping secrets from anyone. The more he thought about it, the more it ate away at his conscience.

He followed Zack into a bathroom, and watched as he stepped to a urinal and unzipped his pants. It was a bit awkward to be standing there talking while Zack urinated, so he joined in next to him. He hoped his nerves weren't too shot to use the restroom.

"Cloud said that you weren't talking to him."

"That's not entirely true, yeah. I just..." he paused for a moment, frowning as his body refused to react. "I just can't see him right now."

"What the hell is going on?"

There was a short pause, and they continued standing there, staring at the bland wall in front of them.

"Graves...deserted." He tilted his head back with a content sigh, whether that was from finally admitting what had been eating away at him, or because he was finally able to take that much needed piss.

"What!?" Zack began to face him.

"Don't turn!" Ratcliff motioned down to the fact that Zack was still urinating.

"Shit, sorry," he muttered, correcting himself. "Now what the hell are you talking about?"

"Graves – he, his...his locker is empty and he hasn't showed for two days, yeah. Last I saw him was Friday night."

Zack fell quiet as he finished, slowly zipping himself up and nearly catching himself in the fly.

"I...don't have the heart to tell him, yeah."

"He'll find out eventually."

Ratcliff nodded to himself, and zipping his pants up. "I know that, yeah. I know."

"And you can't avoid him forever."

"Well, it's not official that he's AWOL yet, and-"

Zack growled, slamming the tap on as he began to wash his hands. He shot Ratcliff a glare through the mirror in front of him. "Think about what you're saying before you say it."

"Sir," he muttered, joining him slowly at the sinks. "I know, it's naïve of me, yeah. But..."

"I've been through this already. You can tell yourself that it's not true all you want, but in the end, the truth speaks for itself." The tap was slammed shut again, and Zack walked past, shaking his head.

"I don't want to see him upset, yeah. He's still not over Elici."

Zack's tense demeanor finally diminished, and his shoulders sank. But he couldn't help but think of Angeal. "I know. But..." Zack wanted to say that Cloud should be able to handle it, and that death and tragedy was all around, even outside of Shin-Ra.

But the image of that boy in his lap, with eyes drenched with agony, and tears that greedily claimed his face the night of their first kiss...he never wanted to see that again, as hauntingly beautiful as it was.

And then he thought of the mission Cloud was going on. If he were to find out about Graves before the mission, Zack wouldn't be able to look after him there, and comfort him if he needed it. He had to be there for him, in case he cried. "...We'll tell him after his mission."

"Mission, sir?"

* * *

"Should be nice and easy, boys," Kunsel said, looking over his five men who stood before him. "Kalm is, well, calm for the most part. Although festivities and alcohol don't make for a calm party sometimes. They just need some order established. So we'll set up a perimeter around the center of the town."

The men leaned in as Kunsel smoothed out a map of the city onto one of the tables in the barracks. They had just completed their Land Navigation course, with only one or two little snags along the way with some of the groups. Apparently a compass and a map wasn't enough to get a few groups back to the meeting point in the wastelands on time.

"The town will have their booths set up in two rows in the center of the town. Zabalza – you'll take the western side. Haskin – take the town entrance, Strife – you'll take the south side, by the stone steps." He turned the map to each man, tapping where they were to patrol. "Kumpf, you'll be eastern, and Ratcliff, you'll be in the center of it all with me."

They each nodded and surveyed the aerial map, staring at it until they became somewhat familiar with the layout of the town and placement of the festivities.

"We'll be wearing radio headsets to communicate with each other. Just don't goof off on it too much."

A mischievous grin broke out on several of the men's faces. Kumpf was a rather lazy fellow. Somewhat round in the belly, and quite tall. He was always for relaxing and having a bit of fun whenever possible. He had earned the nickname "Comfy" due to his teddy bear-like physical appearance, and lazy attitude towards everything.

Zabalza was good at what he did in the army, but when the opportunity came to have a bit of fun, he would partake in good times with Kumpf rather zealously. Debauchery was never too far behind those two, and to send them to something like a festival was just begging them to have fun on duty.

And Haskin was, well, he earned the nickname 'Boss' for his stern and methodical views on everything he did. Hardly one to crack a smile, or even speak any unnecessary banter, he was going to ensure that the mission would play out how it was intended by the company. It was rumored that he was related to Tseng, but that was hardly the truth.

Cloud had been on several missions with each one of them, but never all three at once. He wondered how this was going to play out with the fairly easygoing Kunsel, the intense Haskin, and the two slackers.

"Well, that's it, boys. You're free to take the rest of the day off. Just make sure you guys don't stay out too late and sleep far into the morning." Kunsel shot Cloud a pointed look, but it was followed by a smirk when the cadet shrank into himself. "Be back by Cinderella time."

They all relaxed and chatted for a few minutes about their mission, Kumpf of course already delving into all of the foods he was going to eat at each booth and such. Cloud glanced at the wall clock above the double doors. He wanted to get to Zack's apartment on time, as the movie started soon. He looked to Ratcliff, who just smiled weakly at him, and decided he'd rather spend time with Zack than trying to get this man to talk.

Cloud said his quiet goodbye to the group, who only seemed to ignore him, and he left.

* * *

They exited the movie, laughing to themselves about how cheesy and unrealistic it was. But they laughed more about how they paid ten gil each to actually see it. They sat on a bench outside the theater, waiting for their cab to arrive. Cloud was a bit reluctant at first to use the cab going to the theater, but Zack managed to get Cloud distracted enough with conversation so that he wasn't too nauseous during the ride. Cloud looked almost proud of himself when they exited the vehicle, and Zack just smiled at him warmly. He really was cute in every way, although this he would never say to him.

"So what do you think of your mission? Sounds pretty fun, doesn't it?" Zack said, sucking on the rest of his beverage.

"Not really."

Zack chuckled, patting him on the knee. "Well, it does to me. Kunsel might let you guys take turns having a bit of fun, if everything is under control."

"Not interested. I just want to get it done and over with."

"Don't be a stick in the mud, buddy."

"Well, I'm not really friends with some of the guys there, except for Ratcliff. But I doubt we'll have time to do anything, anyway."

"Want to trade, then? I'm going to be stuck in a dark, damp cave."

Cloud chuckled lightly, shaking his head. "Guarding a festival doesn't seem all that bad, anymore."

"Gee, thanks," Zack said flatly, but then smiled.

They sat for a bit longer until their cab arrived and drove them back to the Shin-Ra building. Conversation didn't seem to work as well this time around with Cloud, but they managed to get back before he became too ill-feeling.

The television was turned on once more, and the couch squeaked beneath them as they sat next to each other once they reached Zack's apartment. Zack took note of how Cloud willingly sat a bit closer to him this time, and was within an arm's reach. He wasted no time in wrapping his arm around him and pulling him close.

Cloud rested his head against Zack's chest, shifting his legs up onto the couch to get closer. It was a bit surreal for him still, and it was hard for him to relax enough to allow his body to accept Zack's cuddling so easily. But when Zack began to twirl his fingertips into Cloud's hair, he smiled and let himself get lost in the embrace.

After a while, Zack began to muse about his mission, as the television in front of him soon went unnoticed. Could he really trust himself to not kill Mejia if he were to find him? He hoped that whatever Turk he was paired with tomorrow had enough discipline and strength to stop him if he were to suddenly lose it and tear the fucker limb from limb. To bathe his hands in that man's blood seemed more of a logical thought than absurd, as his thoughts of what Mejia did to Cloud and Elici went through his head.

Would he even use his hands? Perhaps trying out his sword would bring about some delight, but then he felt that using it on such a low form of life would dull the blade. Perhaps frying him with a plume of Firaga might suffice? Or perhaps encasing him in an elegant tomb of Blizzaga would be far more entertaining to see. He could put him on display in the Shin-Ra lobby for all to see. And if it began to melt, he'd take his frozen body to the largest mountain and ride it down like a sled until it crumbled into billions of microscopic pieces beneath him.

He was so lost in his sadistic, yet satisfying thoughts, that he didn't notice when Cloud had lowered his head down onto his lap, and began to rub his inner thigh. All was dangerously close to his groin. He was shocked back into reality when that hand on his thigh migrated between his legs.

"Cloud!"

Cloud hummed a reply, his voice heavy with lusty emotion.

"What're you doing? I thought we were just watching TV..."

"We are."

Zack shifted a bit, slumping in the couch so that his hips were farther down on the couch, giving Cloud a bit more room with his groping. He could hardly believe this was happening without any sort of coaxing to the boy. He glanced down and saw that Cloud was displaying a rather obvious erection himself. Had he just been aroused by simply cuddling?

"You were suddenly tense. I wanted to relax you a bit."

Zack choked out a small whimper as the hand began to massage the growing bulge in his jeans. "T-there are other ways to go about doing that."

"I know," he muttered as he slowly began to unzip Zack's pants.

"You've got to be kidding me, Cloud."

He looked up, confusion surfacing across his face. "Am I doing this wrong?"

"I'm just...surprised you would initiate this."

Cloud slowly sat up, and the aura of confidence that had been surrounding him finally slipped away. His eyes darted away from Zack's, and he neatly folded those wandering hands against his own stiff lap, as if to hide his arousal. "But...I thought we're supposed to do this."

"What are you talking about?"

"I thought that this is what people who were..._together_...were supposed to do for each other."

"Well, yeah, but not all the time. Remember what I said about forcing yourself?"

"But you like it."

"Well, yeah."

"And...I like it."

"Well, yeah– wait...really?"

Cloud was suddenly red in the face, and he tried to hide that with his hair in his eyes. "And...we're not going to see each other for a few days, so I thought...it would be...fun."

Zack couldn't really help but to flick the button of his pants open, and watched as Cloud looked over at him with a smile he couldn't really help.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Eighteen: Need.

Ending Author's Note: Special thanks to Nekotsuki for beta'ing this chapter for me!


	18. Chapter Eighteen: Need

Chapter Eighteen: Need

* * *

"It's Reno, right?"

"Yup, I'm honored ya 'membered my name, yo. 'Though can't say I 'member yours."

Zack had seen this Turk before a while back during an invasion of Genesis copies in Sector 8. They hadn't spoken much to each other, but Zack had at least managed to remember his name. Yet somehow, given this Turk's lackadaisical manner, Zack wasn't surprised that the man didn't remember his.

"It's Zack," he said, reaching out to shake the Turk's hand.

"I ain't gonna 'member that." He didn't take it. Instead, he reached into his pocket and grabbed a pack of cigarettes.

"It's only four letters." Zack dropped his hand, frowning at him.

"Too long, yo," Reno said, lighting a cigarette that hung loosely between his lips. "I'll just call ya 'Slick' instead."

"...That's five letters," Zack said, flatly.

"Very good, yo. Now I know that SOLDIERs are capable of countin'. Can ya do your ABC's next?" He blew smoke into Zack's face, grinning.

"I don't think I like you."

"Well good, Turks don't like SOLDIER."

"Since when?" Zack coughed a bit, waving his hand in front of his face. He hated cigarettes.

"Since I saw ya."

"Don't Turks scout for SOLDIERs?"

"Don't mean we gotta like ya."

Zack was still frowning by the time the helicopter touched down on the landing pad. The strong wind from the blades caused Reno's cigarette to extinguish, which caused a string of curse words to follow.

"I can tell this is going to be a blast," Zack said, stepping up into the helicopter.

Reno followed, chucking his cigarette off to the side, defeated, as he entered. "So, we're after a deserter?"

"Don't the Turks read what their mission is before they dive in?" Zack sat in a seat, placing the aviation headset over his ears.

"Readin' is for chumps." Reno flicked at the microphone, causing it to pop in Zack's hearing.

Zack winced. He was not looking forward to this mission with this person if he continued this behavior. "We're after 3rd Class Angels Mejia. He deserted a few weeks ago after...an incident...with an army cadet."

"Oh yeah, I heard about that, yo. The dude tried to fu-"

Zack shot Reno a glare, and he shut up, for a moment. "He was spotted possibly heading towards a cave near the Chocobo Farm a few days ago. We think he's trying to cross the continent through the cave towards Junon."

"'Possibly'? So we ain't even sure if he's really headed there."

"...Right."

"So we're to check the marshes and stake out in the cave for this guy?"

"Right."

Reno scoffed, leaning back. He couldn't see why the Turks had to be involved in something like this. It wasn't kidnapping, it wasn't true espionage – it was just a damn hide-and-go-seek game with a lowly grunt. "This is fuckin' bogus, yo."

"Well, maybe for you, but I have a score to settle with this guy."

"Oh?"

Zack nodded, looking out a small window as they began to fly past the wastelands around Midgar. He could see a truck below, trudging towards the direction of Kalm, kicking up little puffs of dirt beneath its tires. It only had a few hours drive ahead of it, but those few hours were going to be hell for a certain blond passenger. Zack smiled softly.

Reno was waiting for the SOLDIER to continue, but just shrugged to himself when he never answered. "Whatever, yo. Like I even care."

* * *

Kumpf had been heckling Cloud for a good twenty minutes about his motion sickness, inquiring about every little detail. He didn't understand how he could possibly get sick over something such as the simple rocking of a moving vehicle. He eventually let up on his insipid questioning when Kunsel finally ordered him to shut his 'yap'. Kunsel had refrained from adding 'fat' in that sentence, but not that he wasn't allowed to speak like that with these men, he just didn't have the heart to be that cruel.

Unlike Mejia.

"Don't worry, Cloud. We'll be there soon, yeah." Ratcliff offered Cloud his canteen of water, but he shook his head, which was pressed against the side of the trailer, and mumbled a rather pitiful sounding 'no'. He was okay for the first ten minutes of the trip, but progressively became troubled by each bump or sway of the rickety trailer. With a company as rich as Shin-Ra, it was a wonder that they didn't invest in nicer vehicles for their army.

But now it was towards the end of their long trip, and despite Cloud's sickly moaning, he was quite happy to hear when the driver called back to them that he could see the town in the distance.

Soon the truck pulled up, and the men jumped out and stretched, then swung their assault rifles over one shoulder and teargas guns over the other. They had been ordered to only use their rifles in extreme situations, as Shin-Ra was all about image. Scaring the citizens meant scaring them from trading the mythril they mined, which Shin-Ra used for weaponry, of course.

They stood, taking in the old structure of the buildings and the quaint cobblestone ground. The citizens had begun to set up the booths which lined the entrance to the center of the town. They decorated the booths with practiced ease, and each person who worked diligently seemed to know exactly what they were to do. The men watched for a few moments, observing how each citizen worked like clockwork to set up their annual festival.

"Talk about teamwork," Haskin muttered, enamored with the precise execution of each person. It was almost...robotic.

Kunsel laughed, shutting the back of the trailer on the truck before the driver nodded, and started the vehicle. "Let's only hope we can perform like these people."

"Yes, sir," they all chimed.

"Alright! See you tomorrow at noon." Kunsel pounded on the back of the truck before it drove off. "Let's check in at the Inn, and get to work."

They had to wrangle Kumpf back into the group as they walked, as he was easily distracted by the food booths being built, but soon they made it to the Inn and up to the two rooms Shin-Ra reserved for them, and Cloud and Ratcliff entered one. Ratcliff whistled to himself, checking out the décor in the room.

"Lavish, yeah?"

"Ratcliff, it's just a room," Cloud said, dropping his seabag onto the bed next to the window.

"I know, I was being sarcastic."

Cloud didn't reply. Things still felt a bit awkward between them, and he still didn't know how to quite get the man to answer. He had asked again about Graves before they left, but Ratcliff just shook his head, never meeting Cloud's gaze with his own.

Thankfully, Kunsel entered to somewhat break the tension that began to mount, and he let out a rather large sigh before tossing himself down onto the middle bed.

"So, 'let's check in at the Inn, and get to work' means lounging around, sir?"

"Yep." Kunsel folded his arms underneath his head, and kicked a leg up onto a bent knee. "No sense in going out there when they're still setting up. I can't see fights breaking out over which colored balloon to use on the candy booth."

"I suppose not." Ratcliff joined on his own bed, stretching out. "C'mon Cloud, relax for a while, yeah?" He watched as Cloud turned from looking out the window, and shook his head.

"No, I'm okay."

"He's thinking about his girlfriend right now," Kunsel said, snorting a laugh when Cloud's face turned a bit red.

"I told you, I don't have a girlfriend."

Ratcliff snickered.

"C'mon now, Cloud, don't lie to us. Is she hot?"

"Of course _she'd _be hot. Tens only go out with other tens, right?" Ratcliff laughed loudly when he heard Cloud growl. The bastard was poking fun at both him and Zack, and was obviously enjoying it.

"Makes sense to me. Although Cloud, you're not so much a ten. I'd say an eight point five on the hotness scale."

"I can't believe you idiots are having this conversation." Cloud hid his embarrassment behind his hands.

"Hey, 'idiots'?" Kunsel sat up a bit, raising an eyebrow. "'Kay, fine. You're a ten, then, you big baby.

"S-sorry, sir."

Kunsel fell back onto the bed, sighing once more. "Damn, Cloud. It's okay, I was just giving you a hard time. Loosen up."

"Sorry, sir. I'll try." Cloud turned his head back to the window, smiling rather widely to himself, as the memory of spontaneously pleasuring Zack the night before played into his mind. He really _was_ trying.

Ratcliff looked at Cloud with an amused face, as he could see his smiling reflection in the glass.

* * *

The sky began to darken, splashed with rich hues of pink and orange as the sun slowly set. Stars started to emerge on the horizon, bringing forth the anticipated nightfall that the citizens of Kalm were awaiting on. They enjoyed the ambience that their festivals brought as they lit up the sky artificially, as if they could play some sort of god and overpower the night.

The cool air was warmed with the sensation of mirth and the sounds of children laughing. They danced around their fathers, brothers and neighbors who had made it home safely from the mythril cave, bringing back the promise of stability and happiness. It was a hard time for everyone, and being apart from loved ones for so long became taxing on the families that were left behind. To be able to hold their loves in their arms again meant the future, and meant more time to be spent enjoying it together.

There had been rumors of a large serpent-like creature – dubbed the Midgar Zolom – emerging from the marshes, which originally was speculated as a myth to keep the young children from following their loved ones into the cave. Men would return home soaked in exhaustion from their journeys, and they would retell the tale as if fact. The townsfolk dismissed their tales, blaming ailment or delirium, but soon more sightings of the beast began stirring up, and from more credible sources. So for the men to return home safely, meant cause for celebration.

And the celebration looked quite enjoyable. Cloud watched as children ran past him, giggling with arms full of goodies, and bellies full of good food. The parents would walk past, arm in arm, chuckling between themselves, and just appreciating each other's company.

Cloud was reminded of a simpler time, when his father was still alive. Things were easy on his family back then, or at least that he remembered. He was a bit young when his father was around, so every memory he had was a happy one. He realized that being a child meant pure innocence, and a naïveté that was overlooked and accepted. He was never really spoiled by his parents, despite being an only child. He was given what he needed to be a content child. Food was never scarce, a warm home was constant, and love was never-ending.

And even when his father died, that never changed.

"How ya doin' over there, Strife?"

Cloud jumped when he heard someone's voice in his ear, and he had nearly forgotten he was wearing a radio headset. It was hard to hear at times when one of his teammates was speaking, as it picked up a bit of the surrounding noises. The festival was quite noisy as the night went on and the people became more drunk.

"Situation is normal, sir."

Kunsel laughed. "I can see that. I was asking how you were doing."

Cloud looked into the crowd and could see Kunsel standing near a booth, waving at him.

"You looked a bit down," Kunsel said.

"Doesn't he always?" Kumpf came on the radio, and it sounded like he had a mouthful of food.

"Sorry, sir. I was just thinking," Cloud said, stiffening a bit as Kunsel watched him. He hadn't realized that he'd started to become lax as the night went on, and as his mind went on its usual musing journey.

"Doesn't he always?" That was Zabalza now. His voice seemed a bit slurred. He had probably slammed back a few beers on duty, which was really no surprise.

"You two better be vigilant. It is a party, but you're not invited. You're here to work, so do it."

"Aw jeez, is that Haskin?" Kumpf scoffed, and it sounded like he stuffed something into his mouth. "I know we call you 'Boss' and all, but it doesn't mean you're in charge of my ass."

"You'd have to pay Haskin double to be in charge of your big ass, Comfy." Zabalza laughed a bit loudly in the radio, and it caused everyone else to wince.

"Fuck off, Zabalza," Kumpf said, albeit laughing. He could take insults towards his size with grace. He almost seemed to enjoy it, in a twisted sort of way. Or perhaps he had just learned to accept himself, and didn't let things bother him.

"Alright, who's gonna win me over to let them go on a break this time?" Kunsel said, and Cloud could see he was eyeing a couple that was arguing a bit over something at a booth. Although his voice remained upbeat, his body language suddenly became tense as he watched the scene unfold in front of him.

Cloud tensed as well, his hand smoothing over the butt of the teargas gun, preparing for what could possibly come. But the couple just argued a bit more, before embracing each other in a drunken hug, and walked off as if nothing had happened. Everyone returned to normal around them, as did Kunsel.

"I'm starving over here, sir," Kumpf said, despite the obvious chewing over the radio.

"I'm thirsty over here, sir," Zabalza said, despite the obvious drunken slurring.

"I'm okay, sir," Haskin said.

"Well, seeing as Kumpf and Zabalza are _already on break_, I'll let either Ratcliff or Cloud go."

Cloud shook his head at Kunsel, despite the growling in his stomach. He was hungry, but he wanted to wait a bit longer until the crowd thinned out a bit by the booth he was eyeing. Wutaian barbeque – it reminded him of Zack. The smell of the smoke floated over to him, and in a strange sort of way it almost aroused him with the association of it, and the _activity_ he shared with Zack on that night.

"Okay Ratty, you're up."

"Yes, sir," Ratcliff finally said. He had been rather quiet the entire time so far.

Kumpf started to laugh. "No running off with Cloud and making out with him on your break, Ratty."

Cloud blinked.

"Kumpf!" Kunsel said, and Cloud could hear it in stereo as his voice boomed through the earpiece, and traveled from his location over to him. A few people around stopped and stared at the SOLDIER rather fearfully. "No breaks for you, now!"

"Do I sense jealousy, Comfy?" Ratcliff said jokingly, although a somewhat nervous or embarrassed tone came through his bantering words.

"Oh honey, you couldn't handle this bitch," Kumpf said, attempting his best feminine voice.

"You're right, I don't think I'd be able to find your dick in all that fat, even if I tried," Ratcliff said.

Everyone, even Haskin, started to laugh a bit raucously.

Cloud's laughter died slowly as Kumpf's words registered in his mind. It was a joke, he knew, but all jokes had some form of truth to them, or behind them.

* * *

"Ya know, Slick, Cissnei has the hots for ya. Gonna fuck her?" Reno said, despite Zack's lack of attention to the conversation Reno was trying to hold with him. Zack could tell that the man was dying for a cigarette during the long helicopter flight, and it seemed that his only way of taking his mind off this urge was to annoy Zack.

"Don't plan on it, and stop calling me Slick."

"What're ya, gay or somethin'?"

"Sorry, the headphones seem to be getting some interference. Can't hear ya," Zack said, staring out the window still. The gray clouds were low in the sky, and softly flowed past the craft. He was beginning to feel a bit closed in, and staring out the window into the landscape below helped at first, but soon ceased to work. Perhaps he was just anxious about slicing Mejia's limbs off one by one.

"Whatever Slick, that's cool with me, man. Don't gotta get all _anal_ on me, yo."

"I'm not interested in her. She's not my type of girl, anyway. I like mine to be elegant and...angelic..." Zack trailed off, and he couldn't stop himself from smiling at that word.

"Ah, that stupid grin. Ya either got laid, or you're in love. Either way I think my stomach is turning, yo."

Zack's smile faded quickly. "Did I do something to offend you or something?"

"Nah man, it's cool. I was just gettin' a feel for ya, that's all. Most SOLDIERs are dicks, but you're not like the rest of 'em. I like ya Slick, don't worry, yo."

"Serious? Well, I still don't think I like you."

"Whatever ya say, _Zack_."

Zack looked back to Reno, who was grinning at him, and he slowly grinned back.

The helicopter finally descended to the land below, and the two men jumped out quickly before it began to rise once more. The wind from the blades caused a ripple through the water in the marsh, and the tall grass that grew from beneath the surface bowed down by the gusts.

After the helicopter left, the two began to trudge silently through the shallow waters. It was cold, and Reno hissed in complaint every once in a while, especially when they would wade through a deeper part of the marsh and the water crawled up past their waists. Reno had muttered something about being thankful that his cigarettes were in his breast pocket of his jacket.

The searching began to get boring for the both of them, although their vigilance for any signs of disturbance in the wildlife, or breakage in the reeds and cattails around them never faltered. Their trained eyes surveyed their surroundings, taking in each slight movement in the water, or the swaying of the tall grass, despite their quiet bantering between them.

They approached a large hammock of trees nestled nearby with branches that intertwined within another. Zack motioned over to the trees, and Reno nodded. They moved as silently as they could, causing only a gentle sound of lapping water against their legs. The sound was soon drowned out by a breeze that began from the collecting rainclouds from above. The men looked to the gray sky as raindrops began to patter against their cool skin, and soon the rain beat against the surface of the marsh. This masked the sound of their movements, but significantly worked against them as well. They were no longer able to hear any slight noise that might come from their surroundings, alerting them of any possible life form nearby. If Mejia had picked up on the sound of the helicopter a few miles back, it was likely that he could be hiding out in this cove of trees, waiting for whatever may pass.

Acoustic location of a helicopter or aircraft was basic training taught even to the Shin-Ra infantrymen. For the beating of a helicopter to be heard coming towards an individual's location, only to have it disappear back the way it came meant that the enemy was depositing its troops to follow.

It was a risk they were willing to take. Judging by Mejia's last known location spotted in the plains near Kalm a few days prior, and judging that he was seen on foot, they calculated that if he were to traverse through the cave as speculated, he should be arriving at the marsh by day's end. There was the possibility that he hitched a ride from a traveler by vehicle, or used a chocobo, and that would have significantly reduced traveling time from Kalm to the marshes. They were to check the marshes, and move onto the mythril cave next.

Shin-Ra put the base at Junon on alert for the AWOL SOLDIER, and deployed reinforcements on the other side of the cave, if Zack and Reno were to flush him out. If no signs of Mejia arose by the end of the second day, Shin-Ra was going to mobilize more search units around the surrounding area.

Zack wanted to be the one to catch him, however.

They moved into the trees cautiously, and the scent of the marsh gas hit them as it was held in by the canopy of trees above them.

"Fuck, that's rank!" Reno whispered, covering his nose with his hand.

Zack frowned at the smell, partially because it _was_ quite bad, but it greatly muddled his sharp senses. If there was someone nearby, he'd be able to pick out their scent better than Reno would have, even if it was only a little. But now the smell of the gas was masking any possibility of doing so.

They leaned against some trees, resting for a moment as they had been walking for quite some time, and particularly Reno looked as if he needed a bit of a breather. Zack closed his eyes for a moment, concentrating his hearing through the pattering of the rain hitting the leaves above, and the sound of it hissing against the surface of the water around them. He could hear birds chirping above as they ruffled their feathers in the falling rain. Their little noises made him think of a chocobo, which then made him think of Cloud.

Zack smiled to himself, unaware of Reno's quizzical look towards him as he watched him from the other tree.

This SOLDIER sure was a strange one.

And then Zack suddenly stiffened, sucking in a quick breath through his nose as he turned to peer around the trunk of the tree. His eyes were darting rapidly ahead.

Reno went to open his mouth to say something, but Zack held out his hand to stop him. Reno turned, straining his hearing and his sight for anything that might have caused the SOLDIER to react, but he only saw more trees, and the glowing will o' wisps floating lazily between.

"There's nothing there, yo," Reno finally whispered, despite the quiet warning from Zack not to speak.

Zack just ignored him and began to make his way from trunk to trunk, peering around each one to a circular clearing between the trees ahead. As he moved, his hand went up to remove his sword from the sheath on his back.

Reno followed behind, smirking at the SOLDIER. He thought that the man might have been overreacting just a bit, but regardless, Reno still removed a handgun from his breast pocket. Using his EMR would just be suicide in the water, and even as reckless as he was, he wasn't that stupid.

They entered the clearing of trees, and Zack was struggling with focusing his eyes ahead of him as the will o' wisps darted between the trees, causing his eyes to be misled, as if it were the source of the noise he heard. He cursed under his breath as he paused for a moment, waiting. He felt Reno stand beside him as he closed his eyes, straining his hearing once more.

The birds above suddenly became frightened, and they took to the skies in a frenzied mob. Their echoing cries drowned out the sound of the rain.

A dark figure emerged before them, and weapons were quickly drawn.

"'Bout time we saw some action, yo," Reno said, cocking his gun as the figure suddenly lunged at them.

* * *

As the night went on, more and more citizens joined the lively festival to partake in the fun - and alcohol, of course.

And as dedicated to the job that Ratcliff was, he still snuck in a drink on his break. He sat on a bench casually, a beer in one hand and a roasted corncob in the other. Walking back and forth on patrol through the main setup of booths was tiring. Moving through a sea of restless children, drunken adults, and the people manning the booths shouting that their pretzels were softer than those from across the way, took a toll on the usually docile man. Large crowds made him nervous, and frankly it filed down his patience quickly. He always hated patrolling large functions such as this, or rowdy crowds.

There was a riot once outside of the Shin-Ra building, when the company decided to hike the mako taxes on the citizens of Midgar, and soon a swarm of angry people assembled outside the property. A few units were deployed to try and contain the riot, and Ratcliff had unfortunately been one of the men to respond. Pushing back the crowd with the barricades didn't successfully block him from every person, and soon he was being grabbed and prodded, and pulled into the crowd. His barricade was somehow torn from his hands, and if it hadn't been for Graves who had easily pulled Ratcliff from the mob, he might have been trampled over. Since then, he grew anxious around large groups of people that had the potential to form into threat.

He picked at his corncob, plucking off the burnt kernels dejectedly. His mind traveled to Graves then, recalling how the man had saved him from being ripped apart by the citizens. He had hoisted him up rather roughly, and at first Ratcliff mistook him for part of the mob, but once Graves had wrapped his large arms around him and shielded him from prying hands, he realized Graves had been the one that saved him.

Ratcliff was weak – always finding himself in some sort of bind. He had been much smaller when he first enlisted in the army and, like Cloud, had been picked on for his thinner frame. He had tried to bulk his muscles up, but doing so was proving to be a very daunting task. His body just seemed to refuse packing on any sort of prominent muscle, despite all of the protein shakes he managed to stomach.

He had met Graves in the gym. The man spent most of his time that wasn't being used for the army or getting himself incredibly drunk in there using the free weights and the machines like they were some strange extension of his body. Ratcliff was new to the concept of working out, and he had nervously asked him for help on how to operate a certain machine. Graves just lifted an eyebrow as if he were speaking to him in another language, scoffed, told him to get lost, and then walked away. That was his first impression of the man.

Ratcliff was assigned to Kunsel's unit, and he joined with knees that were banging together and teeth that were chattering from anxiety. He was surrounded by gruff, inconsiderate men, and he then wondered why he bothered to join the Shin-Ra army to begin with. His reasons were unlike most of the men that joined, who were striving to become like Sephiroth. He hoped to come out a better man in all ways. No longer shy, no longer timid in everything that he did. He was scared to ask for help from people, but he couldn't stand to do things on his own. It was ironic that the first person he asked help from told him off. He kept to himself for quite some time afterward.

A few weeks passed by, and Elici had begun to talk to him a little, more pushing food on him in the cafeteria than anything else by that point. He said Ratcliff was too skinny, and that he needed to fatten up or he'd be eaten alive by some of the men in their unit. Ratcliff usually just smiled at him weakly, and did as told, but never really said much to him, despite sharing a bunk nearby, and being paired with him in training courses. He had noticed that Elici and Graves interacted with each other in friendly banter, but some of it was spats.

If Ratcliff didn't know any better, he could almost see them as quarreling lovers at times. But, Elici was married, and Graves had an unnecessary abundance of dirty magazines with women stockpiled wherever his cigarettes and flasks didn't take up space. He never understood why they even bothered to interact with each other at times, as they just came across as having nothing in common other than an interest to bicker about every little thing that bothered them about each other. Graves was obviously a bit loose, while Elici ran a tighter ship than some of the SOLDIERs that were in charge. Perhaps they just couldn't understand the other's ways of living, and yet were intrigued by the way they somehow did it.

There was a point that the two started to get heated with each other during some liberty in the barracks. They had been trying to decide on a place to go and get drunk in town, and neither could agree on a bar. Something so simple and seemingly harmless, and yet it managed to turn into a full blown argument that involved some fairly heady insults, and wrinkling of each other's clothing in their hands. Ratcliff recalled the other men in the barracks backing away, and going about their business like this was a usual thing – which of course it was – but Ratcliff could never get used to that sort of thing. Even though he and Graves had only interacted that one time, he was still part of his unit and felt at least some sort of connection to him, despite no connection being returned back.

"Isn't anyone going to stop this?" was Ratcliff's simple question to the rest of the men around, who only just shrugged, scoffed, or outright ignored him. It was the first real thing he had said to anyone since he had joined the Shin-Ra army, and the one time he said something, it fell on deaf ears. Regardless, it was a personal best for him by that point and somehow it felt good, and made his next decision a bit easier.

The two began to get physical, and he hurled himself into the fight to stop them.

At the time, it seemed like a good idea, but when he came out of the fight more bruised and bloodied than either Elici or Graves, he instantly regretted it. But, the sympathetic and guilty looks on both their faces almost made needing eleven stitches in the forehead and chin almost worth it.

But then, when Graves told him that if he ever interfered again, he'd wear Ratcliff's skin as new designer sneakers with matching belt and wallet, he knew it hadn't been worth it. So a few months went by and he did his best to avoid the man, and he never spoke unless absolutely necessary. He assumed that Graves felt a bit bad about telling him off like that, and it seemed that the man tried a few failed attempts to be..._nice _to Ratcliff. But his idea of being nice was a slew of pestering, and teasing him about his 'lack of balls', as he would put it. After a while, it seemed like he almost became enamored by how such a scrawny little wimp like 'Ratty' could survive in such a place. Eventually, though, he lost interest and went back to taking his wayward energy out on Elici.

After some rigorous training and discipline, Ratcliff began to emerge from his shell, if only a little. He would talk to others around him, and generally got a good vibe off of most of the other men around. He _was_ a shy person, but he forced himself to get comfortable with people. At first the others thought he was a different person, and could hardly believe that it was the same man who was scared to even fire off an assault rifle when he first joined.

He had charm, and he had wit, although at times it was forced to either fit in, or defend himself from confrontation from others, but he masked it fairly well, and by that point only Elici could tell he was still a bit uncomfortable with himself. They had become closer, especially when Elici helped him out a few times in the battlefield, and not to mention all of the fatherly vegetable pushing on him helped with their bond, as well. Ratcliff didn't grow up with a father, so Elici was almost like the next best thing, despite the two being the same age. And perhaps Ratcliff had developed a bit of a thing for the man, but never acted on it. Elici was married, and that was the end of that.

And it had seemed that Ratcliff himself was a target for a certain 3rd Class SOLDIER's attention. Mejia had a little thing for Ratcliff, and he had boldly approached him about it one day. Mejia wasn't a bad looking fellow; in fact, his sharp features were hard to look away from. He had a persuasive gaze in his eyes that was hard to say no to, especially when cornered against a wall, and being smiled at with an enticing smile. Back then, Mejia wasn't such a bad fellow. He was a little rough with some of the men, and was quite vulgar, but wasn't like how he was now. In fact, he was charming enough to win Ratcliff over, and soon they secretly started seeing each other during their liberty.

It didn't take much for Ratcliff to give in to his carnal needs, as his shy nature melted away when it came down to his more natural urges. It was his chance to break loose and feel like someone else for a change, and Mejia's aggressive behavior in and out of the bed seemed to bring that out. He would now hate to admit it, but Mejia helped him out of the rest of that shell he hid behind as their relationship evolved rather quickly.

Ratcliff wasn't looking for love, and neither was Mejia. It was more of a mutual companionship – someone to help them both feel like they were needed. Mejia never really made love to him, it was more like _fucking_ than anything else, but the way that Mejia had clung onto him and growled his name during had connected with Ratcliff on a deeper level than an 'I love you' ever would.

Ratcliff was surprisingly kinky when he was comfortable enough with himself, and of course this brought out a feral side in Mejia. Bed-names turned to vulgar insults, nipping turned to biting, spanking turned to slapping, feeling needed turned to feeling used. Arguments between them would lead to angry sex, and that left physical marks all over Ratcliff's body. Elici had noticed a few bruises on him, but Ratcliff just said he got a little zealous in training. Elici never had believed him for one moment.

Ratcliff and Mejia had gotten into an argument outside a bar when Mejia got too drunk and was trying to force Ratcliff into oral sex in the men's bathroom. He probably would have done it if it had been a _single_ bathroom, and not one filled with other stalls and other bar patrons. Ratcliff was a bit daring, but not _that_ daring. Mejia became belligerent, and dragged Ratcliff into an alleyway. Of course, by then, Ratcliff was no pushover, and he verbally stood his ground with his decision, even as Mejia slammed him up against the wall of the bar roughly. Mejia began tearing at Ratcliff's clothes, calling him every derogatory name under the sun, threatening to rape him right there on the spot. Ratcliff told him to fuck off, which enraged him more than he would have thought. And soon he found his head connecting to the wall, followed by a stream of blood running down his face as more of his clothes were being clawed at frantically.

He could hear someone shouting at the end of the alleyway. It was a familiar voice, but somehow he couldn't quite place it. It was unique; it was loud and forceful. There was a scuffling beside him as he sank down, holding his throbbing head with one hand, and covering himself with the other. He could hear Mejia slurring and shouting, until the sound of him letting out a pained grunt followed. Ratcliff felt himself being hoisted up by large arms, and he could hear that voice now speaking in a soft tone – it was almost caring.

It really was always Graves who had saved him.

Graves took him to a hotel for him to rest for the night. He helped him to a bed, and tended to the wound on his scalp before beginning to leave. But he looked back at Ratcliff, who was curled into himself, burying his head in his knees, and he just couldn't find himself to leave. He grunted to himself, calling Ratcliff a pain in the ass, but then sat down on the edge of the bed with him. They talked long into the night, as Ratcliff had no one else to turn to, so Graves sat and listened to the man's troubles. Graves wasn't much support on the matter, but he listened and occasionally put in his two cents as best he could. But, despite all of this, Graves told him he would take care of him. It was as simple as that, and then he left. That was his _real_ first impression of the man.

Afterward, Ratcliff parted from his strange relationship with Mejia, despite Mejia's begging for him to stay with him. It was the first and last time that Ratcliff had ever seen the man look slightly remorseful. But it wasn't enough for Ratcliff, and then the man's true nature began to show. He began to berate the men more in their unit, and even started to become more confrontational. Then there was rumor that Mejia had tried to pursue Zack Fair, but was turned down. Of course, rumors were rumors, but somehow after that rumor began floating around, the man's behavior became haywire.

Mejia would take whatever deep seeded rage out on Ratcliff most of the time during training, and it was to be expected. Of course, the only people who were aware of the real reasons why were Ratcliff and Graves, and Mejia himself.

But then Cloud came along, and suddenly Mejia's focus on Ratcliff disappeared. At first, Ratcliff was relieved, but when he saw that look – that feral look – in Mejia's eyes when he looked at Cloud, he had to keep him away from the young boy. Cloud was naïve, and he was weak. Ratcliff didn't want to see Cloud go down the same road that he had with his life in the army, and with someone like Mejia. Graves must have seen this too, as his eyes were trained closely on both Mejia and Cloud constantly.

As he formed a friendship with the young boy – as they all did – he realized that he and Cloud were a lot alike. He needed to protect Cloud. He couldn't be the one that needed the protecting any longer. He was tired of being indecisive, he was tired of being manipulated by his own fleeting confidence – he was tired of himself. He needed to be of use to someone, if he couldn't be for himself.

And the night that Mejia had attacked Cloud, he hated himself for not getting there in time. He was drifting in and out of sleep, every once in a while poking his head down from his bunk to check to see if the boy was there. He began to grow worried – almost like a parent – but sleep got the better of him. It was the actual thump of Cloud's head against the wall that had woken him up. He paused for a moment, trying to bring himself out of his drowsiness, and he could hear muffled whimpers and what sounded like his old lover's voice. He recognized that tone – that sick, sexual tone that he would get when things became a bit scary and raunchy. He glanced down again to Cloud's bunk, and immediately smacked Graves with his pillow and woke him. They both dropped down, and as if Elici somehow sensed the aura in the air, he was getting up himself. By the time they had exited the barracks, Sephiroth already had pinned the man against the wall with his fearsome strength. Ratcliff immediately ran to Cloud, Elici was back in the barracks waking Kunsel, and Graves was trying to get a piece of Mejia while Sephiroth held him down.

"Graves, what about Cloud!" Ratcliff had said, but Graves simply ignored him. He knew Ratcliff could take care of him.

But now, raw fingers were mindlessly plucking the kernels on the cold corncob, and Ratcliff looked below to the ground where the majority of his snack lay in tiny squished pieces between his feet. His cob was empty now, and he sighed, chucking it into a nearby garbage can. He swigged the rest of his beer, and threw that in there as well before looking around for something else to kill the few minutes he had left on his break.

And he had heard it. It was that familiar voice that he now could place quite easily. It was unique; it was still loud and still forceful.

There, standing by a booth, Ratcliff saw him.

"Graves!"

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Nineteen: Motive of a Child.

Ending Author's Note: o 3o Oooh...a little bit of back story on our little Ratcliff. Who would have thought sweet ol' Ratty dated gross ol' Mejia? Lol Anyway, let's see what will happen next with Reno and Zack, and Ratcliff and Graves!

And if you're not familiar with the "hotness scale" that Kunsel and Ratty was referring to, it's an informal number scale people use to rate the looks of other people for entertainment purposes. It's a scale from one to ten, one being ugly, and ten being as hot as a person could get before spontaneously combusting. Hah. Not sure if that's just a stupid American thing we do, or if other countries do that as well, but in case not, there's a brief explanation. People can be so vain. XD

Acoustic Location is something that people use to judge the distance and speed of aircraft in the sky by sound. It's similar to sonar, and was used in mid WWI to WWII, but then became obsolete with radar.

And will o' the wisps are the self-ignition of marsh gas caused by decomposition of plant matter and such in the water. This causes visible orbs of light to be seen in the air, which oftentimes are mistaken for UFOs hovering over lakes by some people that are far away. XD Or maybe they're just Toneberrys going for a swim with their lanterns. Hahaha...

Once again, a big love and thanks to my beta Nekotsuki, and everyone who reads this! :3 Hearts and hugs for everyone!

Anyway, the next chapter will be out on Tuesday the 22nd! See you all theeeeen!


	19. Chapter Nineteen: Motive of a Child

Chapter Nineteen: Motive of a Child

* * *

The force was unreal. It shook the two men down to their core as they were thrown up against the trees around them. They had been fighting for quite some time, dodging attacks from beneath the marsh, and from above them simultaneously. Their eyes were frantic, the muscles in their arms and legs strained with their movements through the murky waters, and their lungs were still from the breaths they held in their chest.

The water would ripple from all directions, and they would try to trail their eyes along the unsettled surface to find the source of the disturbance. It was almost instantaneous when the figure had lunged at them, and they barely had time to prepare themselves for the attack. Zack had been pinned against a tree, while Reno was knocked into the air from below the surface of the water. They managed to fight the figure back, allowing a moment of rest.

Zack finally caught sight of the figure between the trees darting about, snaking around each tree as if trying to distract the men. The movements were hard to follow, but he somehow managed to keep his eyes locked on as it came closer.

Reno widened his stance, preparing. "Is this shit for real?"

"Don't let your guard down, Reno."

"Ain't gotta tell me twice, yo."

A large serpent emerged from the waters, rising up on its body. Water dripped from its mouth as it opened, revealing its massive fangs while it hissed. It's large tail broke the surface of the marsh and slapped against the water, sending it spraying outwards.

Reno whistled, shaking his head. "How long do ya think it is? Twenty feet? We're gonna need a pretty damn big rat to satisfy this thing, yo."

"Or just a Turk," Zack said, grinning at Reno who only just scoffed and threw his head off to the side. "So? Heads or tails?"

Reno looked to Zack and grinned widely. "You can take both, yo."

Zack chuckled and spun his sword in his hand before running forward, aiming the tip at the serpent's head. "Fair enough."

The creature reared up, stretching itself to the treetops. Its tail twitched against the water, and its eyes watched Zack's swift movements as he lunged for it, swinging his sword towards its body in a blur. And in an instant, the serpent opened its mouth once more, and projected several streams of its venom onto its prey.

Zack was quick enough to shield most of the venom by ducking behind his sword, but he fell to the water below with a startled cry as it began to burn into his skin. He landed, stumbling and had to shove his sword into the murky marsh floor below to steady himself. "What the fuck! It can spit poison!" Zack said sputtering as he quickly splashed his eyes and mouth with water. He heard a few gunshots behind him as Reno began to unload the clip, and he tried to see if the Turk had hit his mark, but his vision was blurry either from water or the venom taking affect.

The serpent convulsed from the bullets as they tore through its skin, and it let out an angry hiss once more. It dove underneath the marsh, its shadow passing under the floating vegetation on the water, making it hard for Reno to follow its movements.

"Get that shit outta your eyes so ya can help me, yo!"

Zack growled, standing on his feet as he gripped the hilt of his sword tightly. "I'm fine," he said, trying to see past the blurred scenery around him. His skin was burning, and he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open – they were relentlessly trying to close on their own from the pain. "Which way?"

Reno glanced around, trying to catch the moving shadow underneath the water, but lost sight of it. "Shit, dunno."

Zack cursed a few times, rubbing his eyes with his hands. "Which way!" he said again, his voice becoming louder, more agitated.

"For fuck's sake! Hang on!" Reno looked around, trying to concentrate, trying to pick up any slight movement in the water. It was hard to determine what ripple in the water was caused by them, the rain, or the serpent itself. Each sound around him was becoming distracting, including the pained groans coming from the SOLDIER beside him, and he just couldn't wrap his mind around the situation. "Let's just get the hell outta here, yo!"

"We can't, that thing will just pick up on our movements through the water. We have to kill it."

"That thing is fuckin' huge, ya think we can kill that thing with you like this?"

"I'm fine."

"Like hell ya are. You're blind as a bat, yo."

Zack gritted his teeth. His vision was practically gone – lost in a haze of crawling darkness. Now he couldn't tell if his vision was turning this way from pain, or from the venom itself. It didn't matter, they needed to do something, and fast.

Reno grabbed Zack's wrist and began running through the trees. Zack blindly followed along, yelling protests to Reno to stay and fight. Their movements were frantic and clumsy, causing their location to be broadcast through the surface of water for all creatures interested. Reno slipped between the trees, and as Zack followed, his sword would strike up against the trunks, making him stumble from confusion.

"C'mon SOLDIER get your ass in gear, yo! This ain't the time or place to be eaten alive!"

"We can't outrun it, Reno!"

Reno scoffed as they reached the open marsh, passing through the last of the trees. "Fine, if ya wanna stay here and be eaten, that's fine by-"

Zack heard a hard slap against the water, and then silence.

"Reno...?"

* * *

Ratcliff tossed his helmet to the bench he was sitting on and began to run through the sea of people. His heart was racing fast, his vision tunneling to focus on the man in the crowd. He could see him – he stuck out like a sore thumb compared to everyone else. His tall frame, dark brown skin, and wiry, fuzzy hair was unmistakable. His booming voice cut through the chatter around, and his laugh – it was forceful and strong. Ratcliff could pick that laugh out of a million.

"Graves!" He ran through a cluster of people who were clamoring around a gaming booth. They stood to watch someone make a drunken ass out of themselves by trying to knock down an pyramid of bottles with a ball, and miserably failing.

He called the man's name several times, to which Graves just continued to casually walk through the festival, glancing at the different booths around, and to occasionally step around the children who would suddenly stop running in front of him so they could gawk at the toy prizes lining the games.

And several of those children suddenly turned their attention on Ratcliff, and ran up to him with wide eyes, large grins, and an abundance of questions about the guns he had around his shoulders.

"Can we touch it?"

"What?" Ratcliff glanced from the children back up to Graves' form sifting through the crowd.

"Can we play with it?"

Ratcliff growled. He normally liked children, and had played with them on the slopes back in his hometown of the Icicle Inn on occasion, but now was not the time to humor their little minds.

"Have you ever killed anyone with your gun!"

"What? No." Ratcliff was fidgeting now, as the parents of the children finally came up and began to apologize over and over again for their children's youthful curiosity. They blocked Ratcliff's view of Graves, and he cursed under his breath.

"Oh! He said a swear!" One of the children cried.

Perhaps he hadn't said it under his breath like he thought he had. He stammered a sheepish apology and sidestepped them quickly. Another curse word left his mouth, this time confident it wasn't said under his breath. Graves was gone.

Ratcliff felt like throttling the children, but then would rather take that out on the parents for not watching their offspring closely. But he thought against that, assuming that his job would be at stake, so he ran past them, even as the kids began to chase him playfully. He heard their parents snapping, and their little groans of disapproval followed.

He called after Graves again, spinning around in the crowd to try to find him. He was unaware that his breathing began to quicken, as did his pulse as people walked past him, shoving up against him mindlessly, or brushing against him as they turned to face the nearby booths. He shuddered and felt as if he were being closed in by the citizens and the buildings around. His skin began to flush, and then the thought of having an anxiety attack began to swarm in his head.

He couldn't stop thinking about it, and all the people so close to him. He wanted them to go away, he wanted them to stop touching him and yelling around him. He could hear each person's voice beating against his brain, digging into his nerves sharply. He couldn't control his mind as it began to race, and his vision began to blur.

He hadn't had a bad anxiety attack since the riot outside of the Shin-Ra building. Since Graves had saved him.

_Not now, no. Go away, go away. Shit, not now. Please..._

He somehow managed to stumble through the crowd and found himself against the side of a building in an alleyway shortly after. He couldn't even remember getting there, but somehow he did. He leaned his forehead against the cool brick of the building and sighed, his breath quivering from his lungs.

"Fuck!" he said, pounding his fist against the side of the building. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He slowly sank down with a sickly moan, angry at himself for succumbing to a long forgotten ailment, and for losing sight of Graves.

He didn't notice when someone stepped into the alleyway, until the figure's body blocked the light from the festival.

"I thought ya stopped fuckin' in alleys a long time ago."

Ratcliff turned his head slowly, sweat trickling across his brow. "Graves."

"Yeah."

"What're you...doing here?" He tried to stand straight, but his knees gave out on him.

Graves shrugged casually. "Ya know, enjoyin' the sights and shit."

Ratcliff sank to his bottom, leaning his back against the building for support. "And shit?"

"Scopin' out the ladies."

"Bullshit."

"That's why I called it shit, bro."

"What are you doing, yeah?"

Graves scoffed, folding his arms across his large chest. "Thought I went over this."

Ratcliff slammed his fist behind him, smacking the side of the building with a disturbing crack. He winced slightly. "No! What the fuck are you doing leaving Shin-Ra!"

Graves recoiled his head, blinking in surprise at Ratcliff's unnatural outburst. "Bro, settle down, a'ight? I got motive."

"Motive! For just walking out on us!"

"Seriously, lower yer fuckin' voice."

"No! Fuck you! I have half a mind to beat you senseless right now!"

Graves laughed, unfolding his arms. "You and I both know that ain't possible."

"That's your fucking problem! You think you're invincible! You think that nothing can ever get you, so you just run off and do your own fucking thing! Well fuck you, Graves! Fuck you up the ass!"

Ratcliff didn't realize that he was crying.

"C'mon bro. Don't start that shit. I thought ya were also done cryin' in alleys."

He hung his head, his blond hair falling into his eyes, as if to hide his tears that had already been seen by his friend. "I'm not crying, yeah," he mumbled, his voice cracking. "I'm not."

Graves frowned sympathetically, but made no attempt to console him physically, or verbally.

"Don't leave Shin-Ra, please. You...you said that..." he trailed off, shaking his head to dismiss what he already began saying.

"I ain't got time for this."

Ratcliff shut his mouth, turning his head away from him angrily. He said nothing.

"See ya, Jo-"

He cut Graves off quickly when he realized he was about to walk away. "What about Cloud?"

"What about 'im?" Graves said, almost chuckling.

"Who's gonna watch over him?" Ratcliff finally looked at him, their gaze meeting. Several people ran past the alley, laughing joyously. It made Ratcliff growl inaudibly at their mirth.

"That ain't my job no more."

Ratcliff felt a tug in his heart, and he knew pain was written all over his face. He didn't try to hide it – Graves knew, of course. _That's right, he has Zack...he doesn't need us, does he, Graves?_

"Are ya done? I gotta get goin'. I told ya I have motive for doin' what I do."

"And what's that? Revenge for Elici?"

Graves frowned a bit, shifting his weight on his legs. "Well, Elici can't do it, so someone's gotta do it for 'im."

"That's nonsense."

"So what? Ya jus' want this guy to go 'round doin' what he did to Elici to anyone he fuckin' pleases?"

"Let Shin-Ra handle it, yeah."

"Fuck Shin-Ra! Fuck _them_ up the ass! What's Shin-Ra done for us other than put a little gil in our pockets? It ain't 'nough for me."

"It's a _business_, Graves. What do you expect them to do for us when _we_ are the ones that work for _them_, yeah?"

Graves was gritting his teeth noticeably, and Ratcliff was thankful for being quite some distance away from him as he looked ready to pounce. "So yer okay with Cloud gettin' molested and shit, and Shin-Ra doin' nuffin' 'bout it?"

"Yes, I'm okay with that."

"What?"

"No! I mean– Shin-Ra will take care of it. Don't worry, Graves. We haven't heard anything because it's probably just top secret, yeah. Of course they're not going to turn a blind eye on all of this."

"So ya sayin' Shin-Ra didn't turn a blind eye on them 1st Class SOLDIERs that went AWOL? They announced that they're dead, but ya know it ain't true, bro. Sumthin's up their dirty little sleeve."

"How do you know they're not really dead, yeah?"

"I dun fuckin' know, ask Zack! He seems to know what might've happened to 'em! Knowin' Shin-Ra, they're prolly held captive as some sort of sick fuckin' experiment or sumthin'."

Ratcliff finally stood, dusting off his trousers. "You're an idiot, yeah."

"Ya just can't handle the truth, bro. Never could. Ya just run away when the situation jus' gets too scary for ya," Graves said, peering into the uncomfortable expression Ratcliff held. "Ya gotta be a strong man, bro. Otherwise ya can't protect him."

Ratcliff looked away, rubbing his upper arms with his hands. _He doesn't need me._

"Whatever ya say."

Ratcliff blinked. Had he really said that out loud?

"Look, bud. I was there for ya. An' I was there for Cloud. I've...never been there for Elici, ya know? But...he...he always had my back all along. An' I now jus' realized that."

"What do you plan to do, Graves? Just tell me, yeah?" Ratcliff walked towards him slowly, afraid he'd turn and leave.

"Ya know, I ain't got no one," Graves said, his voice surprisingly quiet. "Parents're dead...all I have is my uncle Barret up in North Corel, but ya know I don't talk to 'im much." He rubbed the back of his neck, shrugging as his eyes fell to the ground in a rare instance of humility. "We had a fallin' out. Last I talked to 'im was a while back, and he was soundin' crazy over the Mako Reactor Scarlet was buildin' up there. He gushed about it so much – it was like talkin' to Mr. Shinra 'imself." His eyes finally trailed back up to Ratcliff, who was wiping at his own eyes angrily with his hands. "So you, Elici and Cloud...ya'll like brothas to me, ya know? That's why I gotta do what I gotta do."

"Graves, please," Ratcliff said in soft voice as he stepped to him. "Just...stay. Don't go at this alone, yeah? Come back to Shin-Ra, take a few nights punishment in the brig for going AWOL, and just...come back."

Graves laughed, placing a firm hand on Ratcliff's shoulder. "Ya sound like a girl that's beggin' her man to stay."

"Well...you did say that you'd always watch over me, yeah."

"Dun even go there, bro." He pushed Ratcliff's shoulder away, but chuckled. "I only said that 'cuz ya were cryin' like a little kid, back then."

There was a long silence that passed between them, and neither could look at each other in the eye. It was painful; it was too real for Ratcliff.

"What should I..." Ratcliff finally raised his eyes. The pain must have been written on his face again, as Graves took a step back uncomfortably. "What should I tell Cloud?"

Graves thought for a moment, frowning. When he finally spoke, his voice was its usual tone. "Tell 'im to suck it up and take it like a man."

Ratcliff scoffed, looking away.

"...An' tell 'im that you'll be watchin' over 'im...jus' in case he wants to take it like a little kid."

* * *

Zack paused, listening intently to the noises around him. The sound of the insects buzzing around the floating vegetation in the water was prominent, as the rain began to let up. Zack could feel the setting sun weaving in and out of the clouds that passed overhead, and he could almost feel it warming the water of the marsh. He had to concentrate past all of that nonsense to be able to hear a slapping of the water some distance away. It almost sounded like a fish jumping in the water, but judging by the strength of the sound, and the birds that once again became disturbed nearby, he knew it was the serpent.

He ran after the hazy shadow beneath the surface as best as he could for losing most of his sight, and wading through deeper parts of the marshes. He saw what looked like thrashing beneath the surface as the water bubbled up and caused the vegetation to disperse from around it. He gripped his sword tight in his hand as he jumped into the air. He hoped he judged this right.

The tip of his sword entered flesh, driving deep into the skull of the serpent. Zack landed on top of its head, pushing his weapon even farther into the creature with a vengeful growl. He heard frantic splashing right beside him, and soon Reno's gasping and sputtering followed.

"What the fuck!" He coughed as he sat up, then fell silent as he was inches away from the edge of Zack's blade.

"You okay?" Zack said calmly, turning his head to the source of all the commotion. He tugged on the hilt of his sword, and wiggled it from the creature's head. "It's dead, right?"

"What the hell do you mean by that, yo? There's no way it could've survived that!" Ya can't see it?" Reno tugged his pant leg free from the grip of the serpent's mouth, wincing.

"No, I can't," Zack said calmly, again.

Reno peered at him for a while quietly. Zack's eyes were red and glazed over, and tears were streaming down his face involuntarily. And yet he hardly seemed panicked or fazed. "Ya serious?"

The SOLDIER ignored him. "Are you hurt?"

"No, it just got my pants, yo. Chomped down and prolly got a mouthful of all the crap under the water. I think I'm okay, yo." Reno lifted his leg as best he could from beneath the water, which was now turning red with blood from the dead creature. His pant leg was torn from the knee down, but his skin looked relatively unharmed.

"That was a close one. I'm glad you're okay." Zack sheathed his sword and clambered off of the serpent's head. Its body began to rise in the water, and float on the surface. It made Reno jump. "There are probably more than just one of these things. We should get moving – there's probably a nest nearby."

Reno scoffed and started to wring out his hair. "Don't hafta tell me twice, yo."

Zack nodded and began to walk. "We should be nearing the cave so-"

"Other way, Slick."

"What?" Zack stopped, turning his head towards Reno's direction. He was slightly off.

"The cave is the other way, yo."

"Oh. Right." Zack looked a bit embarrassed and turned back around the other way and started to walk, ignoring Reno's teasing laughter.

"Man, ya can't get very far..." Reno trailed off as Zack suddenly staggered in front of him, and then collapsed into the water without a sound. "...with being poisoned like that, yo."

* * *

Reno had dragged Zack, plus that massive sword, through the rest of the marshes. It was a long haul, but he had to get them both out of the cold water. The rain came back twice as strong and pelted down on them relentlessly, and the sun began to set, taking its warmth with it behind the planet. Reno was almost sure he felt the water level rising on them.

And Zack was a heavy man. Reno was strong, but even carrying him slung lifelessly over his shoulder was more than enough for the Turk. His cigarettes were water damaged, so he wasn't the least bit happy to be doing this without one clenched between his lips and filling his bloodstream with the nicotine he was craving. He wasn't a heavy smoker, as being in the Turks required to be smoke-free, but occasionally he liked to puff on one to settle his nerves in certain situations. He had actually cut back on his smoking habit once he joined the Turks, as it was clear that smelling like an old ashtray and espionage didn't make for an cohesive combination, and he could live with that mostly. But on his own time, he was known to puff three or four in a day, depending on his stress level.

They finally reached dry land, and he lay Zack along the ground, nearly falling on top of him from exhaustion. He swore a few times to himself as he sat back, pulling out his soggy pack of cigarettes. He removed one, frowning at its waterlogged body, and crawled over to a rock that still caught a bit of sunlight on its surface. He placed it down, hoping that the sun would dry it before it crawled across the mountains behind him.

He was shivering, and perhaps he and Zack should have been the ones in the sunlight.

"Shit, you're more trouble than your worth, yo," Reno said, patting around his jacket for something. "Count your lucky stars if I didn't lose this, Slick."

Zack responded with a small groan and squeezing of his eyes. The swelling in his eyes had gone down the past few hours, as Reno would stop and catch rain water in his hands and gently wash his face with it. It was a tedious process, but Reno wasn't sure how clean the water in the marsh actually was.

Reno just hoped Zack's eyesight wasn't too damaged. He knew that venom in the eyes wasn't too damaging, as long as it didn't enter the bloodstream through an open wound on the face or body, and as long as it was washed off quickly. But the pain was immense, and he only wondered what it was like from such a creature as the giant serpent. He always thought that story of the giant snake was a hoax, and would have called anyone who swore by its existence nothing but a loon.

He glanced down briefly to the rip in his pants where the thing had snagged him. He only had one antidote, and luckily only one of them needed it. "Good news, Slick, I got it, yo." He pulled out a vile and pulled the small cork out with his teeth and spit it off to the side. "Let's see them mako blues." He drizzled some of the antidote into each of his eyes, and wherever his skin was red and inflamed on his face. "Normally this is supposed to be ingested, but I think it'll work like this, yo."

Zack stirred and lifted his head quickly, almost frightened. "What the hell are you putting in my eyes?"

"Ungrateful, aren't'cha? It's a fuckin' antidote, yo."

"How long was I out for?"

Reno pushed his head back down and finished dropping the remaining liquid into his eyes. "Long enough, yo. Pain musta been bad to knock ya out like that, yo."

Zack rubbed his eyes, blinking rapidly a few times as he sat up. He looked around, but his gaze seemed to not fix on anything in particular. They would dart about, almost as if he were trying to see through a room of complete darkness.

"Still can't see very well, can ya?"

"I'll be fine. It's not that bad."

"Welp," Reno said, motioning to the cave behind them, "think ya can see in that dark-ass place?"

Zack actually turned his head the correct way and Reno watched his eyes closely as they looked up and down the entrance to the cave. "I can handle it," Zack said, nodding.

Reno relaxed a bit, glancing over to the cigarette that now had a thin puddle of water beneath it, and which was no longer in the ray of sunlight, as it had moved between the racing clouds above. So much for trying.

* * *

They collected themselves after a while of resting, and after trying to dry and warm themselves as best as they could in the little bit of sun that remained in the area. Zack seemed to be able to see, at least a little bit. He maneuvered around the rocks and shrubs in the area with only a little trouble, and he entered the mythril cave with Reno trailing behind.

The tunnel entrance had been dug through by the miners from Kalm, and the rock surfaces around were shaved down smooth, revealing glittering flicks of the mythril woven between. The natural opening to the cave was on the other side of the mountain, facing Junon, but the people of Kalm had heard of the abundance of the metal in the cave, so they excavated into the mountain and mined their way through.

They finally reached the large void of the cave. The diminishing sunlight from above trickled in through the cracks in the ceiling of the cave, lighting up the flowstone in hues of golds and browns. It reflected down onto the calm pools of water surrounding communities of rocks littering the floor. Zack kneeled down by the water and splashed more of it on his face, and Reno attempted to light up a cigarette, only to fail.

"Where should we camp out for him?" Reno said quietly, removing his cellphone from his suit. He cursed and flicked it closed. "Damn, it's busted, yo. I was gonna see if there was any more info on his whereabouts."

"Wouldn't get any signal in here anyway," Zack muttered, rubbing at his eyes vigorously. "We'll continue on through the night. If he's traveling in here, he won't be doing it in the dark. It's too dangerous with the monsters lurking, even for SOLDIER."

Reno scoffed, giving him a rather bland look. "Yeah, 'cuz that would be stupid, even _with_ perfect eyesight. It's gonna get dark as fuck in here come nightfall, yo. And ya just said it was dangerous for SOLDIER."

Zack stood, shaking his hands off. "Perfect time for an ambush."

"Ya mean – perfect time to trip and break your goddamned neck."

"I don't care. I told you I have a score to settle with this guy. I won't stop because of a little blurred vision."

"Right, right. Got it, yo. Although ya never explained why."

Zack paused for a moment, his mind trailing to the memory of Cloud in the hospital bed, hooked up to all those machines, but still giving him a smile as he entered the room. Cloud didn't look the least bit concerned for himself, and had looked more interested in just seeing him as he entered.

_All I did was walk in, and yet I made him smile like that. I can't let him down. I can't let that smile fade._

Zack nodded to himself, his fists clenching down at his sides. "That guy tried to take something away from me. I have to make sure he never does it again."

Reno frowned thoughtfully, his eyes narrowing. He eventually nodded without a word, and began to walk ahead down the path.

"Reno?" Zack watched as his blurred form began to disappear. He could hear him speak then, his voice echoing through the void of the cave.

"I'll have to tell Cissnei ya ain't interested. It's gonna break her heart, but she'll get over it eventually."

Zack just shook his head and followed Reno even deeper into the cave.

* * *

There were strange noises coming from the alleyway where Cloud stood guard. It was behind him through an archway beneath the second level of the town, which held various shops for weapons and materia. He could hear footsteps of townspeople from above resonating through the concrete, which almost sounded like trucks driving over a bridge, but the noises he heard deep within the alley were different.

The hair on the back of his neck stood, which he thought was rather funny because he never thought that expression to be true. He dismissed it as nothing but a cliché that people would use to substitute for when they didn't want to admit that something had scared them shitless.

He was fearless growing up as a child in Nibelheim. Constant ridicule and being treated as an outcast was something he faced everyday. He would try to follow around the other children of the town, but each one of them pushed him aside. Even now that he was older, he never did quite figure out why they treated him that way, as he had done nothing to warrant such discrimination. At first he would get himself into stupid situations, daring that he could jump off of the water tower without getting a single scratch, or enter the creepy mansion on the edge of town without getting scared. It worked at first, as the other children would cheer him on as he performed these inane stunts, but soon they became uninterested in him. So he began to rebel against them, hoping that he could possibly establish some sort of rank within their clique. He would pick fights with the others over the littlest thing, hoping to submit them into acknowledging him. He would take what he could get, even if it was negative attention.

It drove his mother crazy at times as he would come home with black-eyes, bruises – even cracked ribs. His behavior caused his mother to have to apologize on his behalf to the other adults in the town, and it began to wear her patience thin with him. She was overbearing of course, but even a mother who was lax would become worried over such reckless actions. She often blamed him for her graying hairs, even though she was still young.

Of course he felt guilty. Of course he wished he was stronger, and well liked, like his father had been. At first his father was the town's Jack of all Trades. He would go around fixing the furnace in the Inn, repairing leaks in the water tower, or even going out of town to deliver and trade goods with other towns on an old motorcycle he received as payment for rewiring the strings in their neighbor's piano. But as monsters began to appear on the outskirts behind the town from Mt. Nibel, his father had taken up arms and patrolled the town to keep everyone safe. He was protecting the citizens, he was protecting his wife and son. He was protecting his strength.

Cloud wanted to have that same strength for at least one person in his life. He thought he could do that by bloodying someone's nose, or yelling profanities until his throat was sore. But he hadn't realized that it made him more of an outcast. He thought he knew who he was fighting for, but he had gone about it all wrong. He had to leave. There was nothing left in that town for him anymore. It he were to stay, he would continue to degrade into even more of a coward than he already truly was. And until he found that one person to be strong for, he couldn't return.

But now he was shifting uncomfortably as the noises changed from shuffling, to scraping, to thumps, to whatever else that could possibly crawl underneath his skin. He was angry at himself for allowing such fears to wash over him, so he tried to take his attention back to the festival in front of him. But he found that he continued to glance over his shoulder warily, almost expecting some sort of creature to crawl forth and nab him.

He cursed himself for going to that stupid monster movie with Zack the night before. The special effects were laughable, the sound effects were eyebrow raising, in a bad way, and the acting was...well, the acting wasn't that awful, now that he thought about it. But he surmised that the movie was possibly the reason why his imagination was running a bit childish from those sounds behind him.

"Hey!"

Cloud yelped, rather embarrassingly, and whipped to the side to see Kumpf standing there with a few skewers of barbequed meat in his hand.

"Just making sure Ratcliff wasn't groping you in this alleyway."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like." He held out the skewers to him, smiling a bit lopsidedly. He might have been drinking, as when Cloud looked over his shoulder he saw Zabalza not too far off stumbling around. Birds of a feather flocked together he figured.

Cloud took the barbeque from him with a frown. "Are you guys supposed to be on guard? What the hell are you doing out here?"

"Goddamn Strife. Chill out. I was just bringing you something to eat. You haven't taken a break yet."

"That's because, unlike you, I'm doing my job."

"Oh great, another little Haskin."

Zabalza stumbled up. "N-no, sounds...sounds uh...more like Elici. Haskin won't even bother sayin' anythin' in...um...his...defense."

"You're really drunk, aren't you?" Cloud began to pull the meat off with his teeth. His stomach was crying with joy, as he had barely eaten anything in the morning, and whatever he had, he just threw it up on the ride over to town.

"Damn right I am, buddy." Zabalza placed an arm around Cloud's shoulder. He reeked of alcohol, and Cloud turned his nose away. "We jus'...um...c-checkin' in on ya...yer like our new best friend."

"Comfy, can you get him away, please?" Cloud relaxed as Kumpf peeled the drunk off of his shoulders, and he resumed eating.

"I better get him back to his post."

"He's better off back at the Inn in a bed. He's kind of pointless right now."

Kumpf laughed, glancing around for Kunsel in the crowd. "Yeah, maybe I'll see if Kunsel will let me take him back. You should at least sit down for a minute, Strife. You look really tired."

"Thanks for the food, Comfy." Cloud watched as Kumpf waved to him as he disappeared into the crowd, dragging a very inebriated Zabalza with him.

Cloud walked over to the large stone steps leading to the upper level, and sat down in the corner, away from the foot traffic. He was thankful that Kumpf had brought him something to eat, and he smiled to himself that someone was nice enough to think of him like that, even if the man had been drinking. He learned that some people became overtly friendly while drunk, but as long as it got him free food and smiles, he would be content. Although, he would probably end up paying Kumpf back, anyhow. He never liked people spending their money on him, and even with Zack he forced him to accept his gil for the movie the night before.

Zack looked rather irked at that, but just silently took it with a rather forced grin on his face. Cloud immediately apologized, but then regretted it as Zack leaned over and whispered that he owed him one kiss later, and he wasn't allowed to choose when and where it was going to be. Zack never did lay claim to that kiss that night, so he was anticipating when it was going to be, and how embarrassing it was going to be, as well.

He then wondered how Zack was doing on his mission. He knew that Zack was keeping something from him about it, but he just figured that perhaps it wasn't something he was cleared to discuss. Maybe if he prodded enough, he'd get the man to give in and tell him the true details about what he was really doing.

Or perhaps if he were to tease him with a little kissing Zack would give in...

Cloud was thankful for his helmet, as it hid his skin that began to heat up on his face. He was shocked with himself as of late. His thoughts and actions were unpredictable with Zack; he couldn't stop himself when he was around the man. At first it scared him, but when Zack seemed to enjoy his forwardness – no matter how awkward it was – he was beginning to settle into it quite comfortably. Zack's openness seemed to draw his inhibitions from him like he thought nothing, or no one, ever could.

_He_ initiated pleasuring Zack last night. Perhaps he was going crazy. And that nickname – 'Angel' – Zack had purred it to him again as he climaxed in Cloud's waiting mouth. Cloud normally hated nicknames, but there was something about that one that made him smile and long to hear it murmured again. It seemed more meaningful than 'Spikey', or 'Chocobo'. It had emotion and passion behind it, even if it was a girly nickname. But frankly, Zack could call him whatever he wanted during their intimate moments, so long as it meant it was coming from Zack's heart, and as long as it was _only_ during those moments. If Zack were to call him that outside of the apartment, well, Zack wouldn't have a tongue to speak with afterwards.

The skewers of meat were quickly cleaned off, and he looked over to the booths, almost longingly. He wanted more, but he wasn't given the go ahead from Kunsel to take his break yet.

_Ratcliff hasn't reported back in over the radio yet. It's been a long time._

Cloud walked down the steps and returned to standing in front of the alleyway. He briefly thought of checking in on Ratcliff. It wasn't like him to take this long on a break, let alone not report back in to the SOLDIER in charge. He glanced around in the crowd in front of him to see if he could see Kunsel at all, and when there was no sight of him, he nodded to himself and began to sneak off to go look for him. It wouldn't take long.

"And where do you think you're goin'?"

Cloud stopped at the familiar voice, the color in his face draining rapidly. He swallowed hard, his heart beginning to thump in his chest between the lungs that suddenly failed to breathe. He could feel something hard and cold being pressed up against his spine, and he shuddered as the person behind him leaned down and whispered into his ear.

"Well, if it ain't _my_ _little fuck_."

* * *

... To be continued in Chapter Twenty: Serendipity.

Short Ending Author's Note: *devious grin* Oh yes, that's right. I went there.

Next chapter will be out on Tuesday, December 29th...bwahahahahaa.

Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews! And to everyone who celebrates – have a Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays! And if you don't celebrate...well, have a nice week. X3 I will see you all right before the new year. And it's going to be...quite a..._serendipitous_ chapter, but for exactly who, that will remain a mystery until next week.

MERRYSTUFFYOURFACEMAS! (Mom made **two** **different** batches of cookies, and baklavah, and is planning on baking pie**s - as in more than one - **tomorrow. Dear god if I'm not alive by next week you'll all know I died from a heart attack from desserts alone. And not the good ol' Clack dessert, either.)

Edit 5-10-10:

Lady-Yuna7 drew a wonderful piece of fan-art for this chapter! The characters' expressions are just...perfect! Hehehe!

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Motive-of-a-Child-163558640

Enjoy, and give her lots of love for that! I know I have! Heehee!


	20. Chapter Twenty: Serendipity

Chapter Twenty: Serendipity

* * *

The night had passed by slowly. Each minute was long; each second was longer. Traveling and searching were obstacles that were soon replaced with anxiety and impatience. Zack was not a patient man, and his faltering eyesight and restlessness in the waiting and searching was soon getting the better of him. His mind would continue to travel back to the incident that left Cloud unhinged, and he felt more rushed to just find Mejia and get it over with so he could return to the boy and tell him that everything was finally going to be okay.

He felt like he was so close to finding him, and ending it all.

But Reno seemed tired, although the Turk would have vehemently denied that it was true, so Zack reluctantly stopped to rest. His eyesight had gradually began to clear, but in the darkness of the cave, it might as well have not changed at all. The moonlight from above would filter in between the cracks in the ceiling, but as they went deeper into the cave, those cracks became few and far between. They relied on careful footing, instinct, and Reno's cigarette lighter for certain areas, such as narrow tunnels and little dead ends that someone could be tucked away in. And the sparks from Reno's EMR when fighting off the occasional monster would help light the way as well.

"What time do you think it is?" Reno said, and it sounded as if he was fiddling with his cellphone to see if it would turn on.

"I'd say about three or four." Zack fought back a yawn as he felt his way around a group of boulders and took a seat on one. Perhaps he was tired as well.

Reno cursed a few times, and Zack could hear the snap of the phone being closed. "Yo, mind if I get some shut-eye for a bit?"

"Yes I mind. We have a mission to carry out. We can't stop for very long."

"What if the guy ain't even here? What if he's behind us in the marsh, or already out the other end of the cave? This would all be for nothin', yo."

Zack paused for a moment, looking around their surroundings, as if he could actually see them. He had done well with his footing throughout their journey since the marsh, and had only stumbled a few times. He had his SOLDIER senses to thank for that. And it helped that Reno was leading most of the way when it became dark. "He's here, I know it. They had reports saying that he was headed this way."

"That don't mean shit. Ya realize that most of the info that comes back to Shin-Ra is from the army dudes sent out as scouts, yo. More than half of 'em don't know their ass from a hole in the ground."

"That still leaves the other half that do know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground."

"I don't like them odds, yo."

"Fifty-fifty?"

"Yup. I like one hundred percent."

Zack frowned at him, and especially when his nose picked up the scent of smoke. "Are you smoking right now?"

"What?"

"You don't smell that?"

Reno was quiet, and Zack could hear him sniffing the surrounding air. "No, I don't smell nothin'," he finally said.

"It smells like a campfire."

"Sure it ain't just us stinkin' from the marsh? I know I could use a shower right abo-"

Zack hushed him, and they both fell silent for quite some time. Reno could sense that Zack had stood up, even though he had not made a single noise when he had. When a few moments passed, he strained his sight to search for Zack's form in front of him in the dark. He then realized that Zack was gone.

* * *

A soft orange glow was flickering against the surface of the rocks, lighting up the mythril within them like thousands of fireflies that swarmed Gongaga during the summer nights. At least, that's what it looked like to Zack with his hazy vision. He could see a dark form sitting idly in front of a small campfire in a larger void deeper into the cave. The figure was tucked against what looked like a cluster of boulders in an upright position, and Zack at this point couldn't tell if the person was asleep or not.

Zack cursed under his breath as he was forced to step out of the tunnel he was in to try and get a little closer to see more clearly. His heartbeat began to increase from anticipation, and the muscles in his body trembled with each silent step. He was thankful that there was enough light from the fire to light his way as he neared.

Soft snoring came from the form, and a slight stir as the person unfolded their arms across their chest and let them fall to their lap below.

Zack unsheathed his sword quietly, and the blade reflected the light from the fire on its surface. He couldn't walk behind the man, as he was leaning against large rocks, so his only option was coming in from the front. He concentrated on the pattern of the person's breathing. It was slow; it was even.

He could see that the form was of a young man with tan skin. His arms were well sculpted, chest large and prominent. His facial features were sharp – structured chin and jaw, thin nose. His hair was shaved down, though. Zack remembered it had been a bit shaggy, and hung into his eyes. But Zack had not seen him much without his SOLDIER helmet.

It was the man who almost took Cloud's innocence away. It was the man who shattered his mind, stripped him of the credence in himself and those around him. It was the man who made Cloud cry.

It was Mejia.

Zack calmly brought his sword down, aiming the tip inches away from the man's throat. "Mejia, wake up!"

Dark eyes shot open, and a gasp followed. He began to scurry back, only to find himself pressed against the rocks behind him, and with the sword tip still dangerously close to his throat. He stammered incoherently, his eyes glancing from the weapon in front of him, to the SOLDIER behind it.

"Get up. You're coming back to Shin-Ra to face your punishment."

"What are you talking about?" he said, his voice choking out in such a cowardly tone that it made Zack blink in brief surprise.

"I said to get up. Otherwise you won't have any legs to stand on."

"P-please don't hurt me!" He winced, turning his head away from the weapon.

"Slick!"

Zack turned his head as Reno called out to him quickly.

Mejia took that moment to begin to dive off to the side in an attempt to scramble away from the SOLDIER, but Zack moved with him, driving his massive sword into the boulders to stop him from escaping, coming inches from his face.

"What did I tell you, Angels?"

"Angels?" Mejia said, shaking his head rapidly, sweat streaming down his face. "I'm not Angels."

"What?" Zack squatted down, coming nose to nose with the man. "But you look like him."

"That's my brother!"

Zack just stared dubiously for several moments, not moving away from him. Reno hurried over.

"Slick, if your eyesight was any better, you'd know that that wasn't him."

"...How so?"

"Because Angels ain't missin' his left hand, yo."

Zack peered down to the man's hands. The left was a simple nub. He raised his head again, their noses connecting once more. "It could be a trick."

"Slick, back off."

Zack stood, rubbing the back of his neck, embarrassed. "Well what the hell is this guy doing here? You're supposed to be your brother!"

The man finally relaxed, and he swallowed a few times to compose himself before finally speaking. "We look alike, with the exception of the hand. Our family is from Kalm. I'm just a simple mythril miner. I was just here to continue mining for a little extra cash, honest."

Zack was clenching his teeth, and it must have showed as the man shrunk into himself and continued to stammer more explanations.

"Our parents own the three main shops in town, and I'm in charge of getting materials for the weapons we have forged. I have nothing to do with Shin-Ra."

"How'd you lose the hand?" Reno bent down and lit a cigarette with the small fire besides them. Zack's eagerness and anxiety was stressing him out, so he took a nice long drag on it, then shuddered a content sigh afterwards.

"Mining accident. It got crushed when the ceiling caved in – look, is my brother in some sort of trouble? He wandered into town a week ago and said that he was on a leave."

"You could say that," Zack muttered and removed his sword from the rock. "Where is he now?"

"He said he was leaving town again the morning of the festival. I don't know where he's going from there, honest. I assumed it was just back to Midgar."

Zack looked back to Reno, throwing his hands up in the air. "So this whole time we've been following the wrong guy?"

"I told ya, asses and holes in the ground can look a lot alike to them army dudes, yo."

"I knew he was in some sort of trouble. The Shin-Ra army came by not too long ago looking for him, and he hid down in our storage room below the shops. He told us not to say anything to them, so we didn't."

Zack pinched the bridge of his nose, exhaling a very long breath. "How far are we from the end of the cave?"

"A few miles."

"Fuck," Zack muttered, reaching into his pocket to pull out his phone. His hands were shaking, and he was trying to calm himself from either punching one of the boulders, Mejia's brother, himself or Reno. He wanted to punch something. "Dammit, no signal!"

"Duh, dude, you're the one who said there wouldn't be any."

"Cloud is in Kalm!" Zack said, looking back to Reno who only gave him a confused wag of his head and raised eyebrows. "N-never mind." He shoved his phone back into his pocket and looked around, frustrated. "You said he probably left before the festival, right?"

The man nodded a few times, giving him a similar look that Reno was still holding.

"Reno, let's go. We need to get back to Midgar as soon as possible," Zack said, already turning and walking away before he was done speaking.

Reno sighed and handed the rest of his cigarette to the man, who gladly took it and began sucking on it nervously. "Good, 'cuz I'm all outta smokes."

* * *

The cold chill of the gun against his back dictated each of his moves, each of his thoughts. He was told to enter the alleyway behind, so he did. He was told to drop his weapons on the ground, so he did. He was told to remove his helmet, so he did. The cold gun was now at the base of his head. He no longer could tell his legs what to do, and his arms refused to move, or even swing as he walked. Each muscle was taut.

He found himself entering a storage room behind a heavy wooden door tucked away in the alley that he was patrolling in front of. Even though he was obeying the man with the gun, he was still shoved roughly into the room, and he stumbled, knocking into a stack of wooden crates.

"Better not break anythin'. You break it – you buy it."

The heavy door shut behind with a sickening creak, and the lock was engaged.

Cloud's blood ran cold as a light was switched on overhead as he turned, and Mejia stood in front of him, slipping a key into his pocket with a smile.

"Did you miss me?"

He couldn't speak; he couldn't breathe, and Mejia seemed to react to that quite joyously.

"You know, I was gonna leave town this morning, but my ma convinced me to stay one more night. Fuckin' sure glad I did. I was just coming down to the storage to take down some crates, and what do I see when I went into the alley? It's hard to mistake that ass of yours."

Cloud hadn't realized that Mejia had approached him, and was already reaching up to touch him. His legs couldn't move.

"My little fuck," Mejia muttered, reaching up to brush his hand against Cloud's face.

The touch was surreal. It sent a massive tremor through each fiber in his body, bringing back flooding emotions and nightmares in an instant. He began to feel lightheaded.

"No words for me? Hmm?"

Cloud found his mouth moving, his bottom lip trembling as he spoke, and he could see Mejia's eyes watching his mouth with a perverse gaze. "W-what do you want?" He blinked, the voice that flowed from him sounding foreign.

"Just a little fuck, of course."

Anger coursed across Cloud's face as he finally was able to gain control of his body, as if those words fueled his muscles to finally awaken from their resistance. But once he moved, the gun once again took over his actions, and he froze.

A silenced 9mm was raised to his chest fluidly, without an ounce of hesitation, or remorse. Mejia only smiled.

Cloud looked up from the gleaming weapon up to the man's twisted face, where an intense gaze burrowed into his shaking bravery. The gaze were from eyes like that of a crow – dark, unpredictable, and soulless. The smile on his face was frigid, and matching the eyes above.

But that unnerving gaze left him suddenly, and Mejia lowered the gun to step around him arrogantly. "I forgot I left this down." He walked over to an attic ladder that was folded down from the ceiling. "Wouldn't want you climbing up into the shop and escaping, now would we?" He folded it into itself and pushed it up into the door above. "With the festival going on outside, no one should be able to hear us. Such amazing luck, really." He tossed the pull string up, trying to get it to catch itself on the ladder, so Cloud couldn't reach it to pull it back down.

Cloud would be damned if this happened again.

Movements were distressed, but determination was strong as Cloud lunged at Mejia as his back was turned. He ran forward, stretching his arm out as they connected, tackling the SOLDIER to the hard ground. Adrenaline fueled his actions, and he saw nothing but a cloud of rage encircling his vision, spotlighting the image of his fist striking Mejia in the face numerous times. He watched in his own shock as his hands began fumbling around the man's body for the key to the door. He had to escape.

Mejia was laughing, nary an ounce of upset in his face, despite the wounds inflicted. He almost seemed to be enjoying the physical assault Cloud brought upon him. "You're so fuckin' cute when you're pissed." He spat a wad of blood off to the side from his mouth, and made no attempt to stop Cloud from finding the key in his blind fury. He allowed him to scramble up from on top of him and run to the door.

Cloud slammed up against it, his hands shaking, causing the tip of the key to scrape the keyhole in a disturbing sound that all the while reminded him of the situation. But he stopped moving as that cold gun was pressed against the back of his head.

"Let's have some fun."

He dropped the key to the ground as he found his body being hoisted back.

"Wouldn't be wise to get me mad, you know." Mejia dragged him to the other side of the small storage room by his muffler, and he slammed him up against the brick wall.

Cloud ignored the pain in his head when it connected with the wall. He hadn't the thought to consider any physical injury to himself at that moment, because he knew what was to come would be far more agonizing than any injury would possibly be to him. He sucked in a sharp breath and tried to dart around Mejia as he reached for him.

Mejia reacted quickly, raising his hand up to bring the butt of the gun against the side of Cloud's face. But he grunted as the boy growled, catching his wrist with his hand, stopping him. He began pushing back against the man, wedging one of his feet against the junction between the wall and the ground, attempting to push Mejia into a brief moment of imbalance.

The man took several steps back and grunted quietly as that horrid smile returned to his face once again. "You're not as weak as you look, _little fuck_, but you forget that I'm SOLDIER."

"You _were_ SOLDIER," Cloud said between barred teeth, his hand twisted rigidly around the man's wrist. His arms were quaking, drawing forth his energy into the muscles that fought back the gun that tried to aim towards him.

"You can take away the title, but left behind is still the man with that SOLDIER strength." He laughed and took one step forward. That small movement held a force that easily pushed back against Cloud.

Cloud stumbled, fighting for his footing. His mind was racing with every piece of training he received in the army, and even what he learned as a young boy during his rebellious stage. He couldn't decide what to do, it was happening too fast. The adrenaline was causing each impulse in his brain and body into a frenzy, and singling out one coherent thought was proving to be impossible. He felt as if his instinct was failing him.

"The look on your face is fuckin' priceless, Strife. You think you look intimidating, but really, it's nothing more than the look of a grumpy kitten."

"Fuck you."

"Thanks for the offer, but I don't bottom. It'll be _me_ that will fuck _you_." Mejia watched as Cloud opened his mouth to protest, but nothing but a shocked sound mustered forth. "You have a poor choice of words. But it doesn't fuckin' matter, your mouth won't be able to say much of anything soon."

Time itself seemed to slow as a bright spark of light erupted in the palm of Mejia's free hand. Cloud could only watch in fear as the light streaked outwards like white tree branches, reaching out to his body and engulfing him in its grasp.

He felt an immense heat instantly rip through every inch of his body, and every muscle began to spasm, squeezing each of his joints in a paralyzing grip. The force from the magic knocked him back into the wall, and he fell to the ground in a convulsing heap.

"That should hold you still for a while."

Cloud felt as if each of his organs except for his brain had shut down. He couldn't move, he couldn't find the rhythm to breathe. All he could do was process the image of the man in front of him as he reached down and picked him up from the ground.

"You're lucky it was only Thundara. Anythin' stronger and you'd be cooked. Then what use would I have for you?" Mejia propped Cloud's lifeless body upright against the wall, holding up his head as it began to slump off to the side. "Keep your head up."

Even if he could, he wouldn't have obeyed.

What little patience the man had slipped away, and he gripped Cloud's jaw in his hands and twisted his head up. "Head up, little fuck," he said, his voice beginning to rise in frustration. When Cloud's head fell to the side again, the gun was revealed once more, and he pried Cloud's jaw open with his fingers and slipped the silencer into his mouth. He pressed in deep with the weapon to the back of his throat, and Cloud finally managed to sputter.

"You're making this too easy for me, Strife," he said, lowering his head into Cloud's neck as he still held the gun in his mouth. He passed his tongue up heated flesh slowly, enjoying the boy's taste. And when Cloud had finally uttered a small whimper, he began to slide the gun in and out of his mouth slowly. "As much as I want to fuck your ass, I'm going to do this right, seeing as no one can get in here to stop us this time."

Cloud began to weakly shake his head around the gun, and tears of anger and pain brimmed his eyes.

Mejia's free hand began to fumble blindly with his jeans as he had his eyes locked on the silencer that was moving between his lips. "That pretty little mouth of yours would look great sucking my cock." He reached into his pants and released his member with a pleased grunt.

Shaking hands began to rise up from Cloud's sides. He couldn't tell if his inability to move was from fear, the attack, or the pain that tore through his body at that moment. He knew he couldn't let this happen. He managed to reach up and awkwardly grip Mejia's hand on the butt of the gun, and his other just fell back down to the ground weakly. He tried to struggle.

"You know what this is fucking your mouth, right?" Mejia shook Cloud's hand off of his, and forced the weapon into his mouth even further, cutting off his airway. "It's a fuckin' silencer, you stupid fuck. I pull the trigger, your brains get blown out just like Elici's, and no one will hear a thing."

Cloud felt as if the adrenaline was coursing through his body once more, masking over the damage from the magic and allowing movement once more. He was able to utter what sounded like a growl, but came out more like a choking sound as his head began to toss, attempting to shake the gun from his throat. His legs began to respond to his inward screaming, and they shuffled against the ground, as if trying to stand.

"That's right, Strife," he said, and simply pressed his knees down onto Cloud's legs to hold him. He could feel Cloud's muscles convulsing. "I blew his brains out all over the place. Little pieces of that fuck's skull were all over the snow." He watched as Cloud's eyes widened, rapidly glossing over with tears. "Have you ever seen what brain matter looks like? It's nasty as shit. Stained my uniform."

He could do nothing but shake his head, as if trying to dismiss the truth.

"That's right, it was this gun, too," Mejia said, tearing his gaze away from Cloud's face as he looked at the weapon thoughtfully. "The same gun that was pressed against your friend's terrified face before I pulled the trigger."

He could do nothing but cry.

"You're fuckin' beautiful, you know that?" He laughed, astonished. "I've always had a thing for Zack, but you...you're something different. It's like," he said, leaning in to lick the tears off of Cloud's face, "being able to fuck innocence itself."

Cloud was allowed for a brief gasp of air as the gun was finally removed. He savored that breath, and his lungs absorbed the oxygen quickly and greedily. But as his mouth opened again to take in another gasp, it was soon filled.

Mejia slid himself into Cloud's mouth, not allowing him that second breath of air, and he watched as he gagged and began to thrash weakly. "That's right, gag on it." He caused Cloud to gag several more times as he began to move into his mouth roughly. He eased up after several moments, but only to allow Cloud to be able to catch his breath.

_They don't know where I am. No one can save me now. _Cloud watched with dazed eyes as the body in front of him continued, and with each thrust the man's member would hit the back of his throat, causing the muscles in his abdomen to constrict as he gagged. _No one, not even Zack. _His teeth began to bite down.

Mejia hissed in pain, the sharp feeling of the boy's teeth digging into his flesh. He quickly pulled out and struck Cloud in the face with the butt of his gun. "Are you fuckin' stupid!" He waved it about in front of him, and Cloud's eyes just lazily trailed it. "Want me to shove this gun up your ass and fire?"

Cloud slowly straightened against the wall, and he ignored the searing pain in his face. He was still for a moment, only his gaze would move between the gun and the man's erection. He willingly opened his mouth.

A sick purr filled the air between them, and the tip of Mejia's member was once again brought to Cloud's waiting mouth. "You little slut, you like it, don't you?" He passed the tip across Cloud's cheek, using it to brush the angry tears and blood away from his face. "Is it bigger than Zack's?" he asked softly, almost sweetly. He waited for Cloud to answer, but the boy remained inanimate. "Answer me!"

A brief moment passed, and Cloud slowly began to answer. "N-"

Cloud's voice was cut off by the man entering his mouth again as it opened. He wrapped the longest part of Cloud's hair on the top of his head around his hand and tugged harshly, causing more tears of pain to fall from the boy's eyes. Cloud released a startled noise from his chest as his head was shoved deep into the man's groin.

"I knew you guys were fucking all along," he said, and grunted as he pushed in and out of the boy's throat. He smiled as Cloud gagged around him again. "Zack is only with you because you're a good lay."

_No, Zack – he cares about me._

More rough thrusting into his mouth, more gagging.

"You're only good for fucking, my little slut."

Cloud's hands weakly pried themselves between them and pressed against Mejia's hips. He needed to breathe, this was too much.

Mejia seemed to understand and he quickly pulled out, watching with a twisted grin as the boy sputtered and gaped for air.

"W-we haven't..."

"What's that?" Mejia reached down, wiping saliva away from Cloud's chin with his hand. He brought his fingers up to his own mouth and lapped it up.

Cloud repeated himself, almost regretting saying anything, as it disrupted his breathing he was trying to desperately gain control of once more.

"A guy like that," Mejia said, shaking his head with a scoff, "won't be so fuckin' patient for a prude. He's the type that likes to keep his bed warm, and his dick even warmer." He entered Cloud's mouth once more after yanking his head back by the hair.

_But...he said he'd wait for me._

"Better start puttin' out, little fuck, because the longer you make him wait – the faster he'll lose interest."

_Would...he?_

"And when your ass is no longer tight, he'll get rid of you."

_I...don't want to lose him._

"You're fuckin' worthless, Strife."

_...Am I?_

Cloud didn't know if he should be thankful for his thoughts. They were bittersweet for him, as he knew if he wasn't able to focus on them, he would continue to hear Mejia's voice spouting off a combination of derogatory remarks, and filthy noises. But now those thoughts were doing nothing but tearing him down; he could feel himself beginning to break.

_Zack..._

Mejia grunted, suddenly pulling himself out and stroking himself quickly. "Now, you better swallow this, little fuck."

Cloud weakly shook his head, trying to find some sort of pattern in his breathing. It was as if that was the only thing he knew how to do at that moment. He wanted to hold onto that last bit of fraying instinct, fearing he'd lose everything if he were to forget.

"Would you rather swallow a bullet?"

Once again he shook his head.

"Tell me you want it."

"No," Cloud whispered between labored breaths.

The gun was waved around in his face as an undeniable reminder.

"No."

It was pressed to his forehead, and was cocked. The sound struck through him, erasing any ounce of pain he had gripping his body at that moment; he felt numb. He could see nothing but the man's finger caressing the trigger of the gun, and could see nothing but his own fear reflected in the space between.

_Is this how Elici felt before he died?_

"Let's go, little fuck, I'm gonna need that answer."

_Would Zack be in the same pain as I was, if I were to die like Elici?_

"Tell me you want it!" His head was violently shaken by the hair.

_Zack..._

"I...I wa..."

_ ...I'm sorry._

"...I want...I want i-"

His head was shoved back before he could finishing speaking, and the erection was once again stuffed into his mouth to finish violating. He could taste it – it tasted just like Zack's, and yet, it was filled with the taste of immorality. It mixed with his shame as he held it, afraid to absorb it into his own being in fear of it diluting what little dignity he had left, if any at all.

"Swallow it," he muttered, watching as Cloud began to convulse around the organ, trying to fight the inevitable.

He retched, he sputtered, he did what he could to try and hold off, but with each uncontrollable gag, Mejia seemed to relish his suffering all the more.

"Better not waste one drop. Now swallow," Mejia said, pulling out of Cloud's mouth, the gun once again meeting him, touching his lips in a kiss of malice.

And once again, he shook his head, shuddering at the hot feeling of the semen settling in his mouth, and the cold feeling of the silencer caressing his lips simultaneously.

"There's only two ways out of this. You either swallow it, and I lower the gun, or you don't, and I fire the gun."

Cloud swallowed.

The man was groaning with pleasure, watching as Cloud sucked in a long, sickly breath when the gun was finally lowered. The tears were streaming down his face, mingling with the blood on his swollen cheek where he had struck him with the weapon. Each second he was stricken with a spasm of pain and grief as he sat there, trying to hold up his body against the wall behind him in the most pathetic way. He really did look so beautiful.

"Fuck, Strife, you make me so hard," he said, revealing an insatiable arousal. "I thought I would need a few minutes, but all that gagging..." He shook his head in his own disbelief. "I think I can actually fuck you, now."

Cloud finally was able to release a sob that he had been holding the entire time. He was finally able to gain a little bit of instinct back that he feared he might have lost, even if it was degrading.

_Zack...will you still call me 'angel'?_

_

* * *

_

Kunsel had moved through the crowd quickly. Something was wrong. He was unable to contact any member of his team through the radio for quite some time. Ratcliff had never reported back in from his break, Zabalza and Kumpf were unresponsive, Haskin was busy dealing with a small situation between two arguing people, and Strife...

He figured that Zabalza and Kumpf were most likely getting into some sort of stupor, whether it was gorging, drunken, or otherwise, and he would be sure to punish them if that were the case later. But Ratcliff and Cloud – this was very unlike the both of them. He decided to look for Ratcliff first, as he was patrolling the center with him, but he had combed through every inch of the main strip and he was no where to be found.

At first he thought that perhaps there was something wrong with their radio frequency, but when he was able to contact Haskin, an unsettled feeling washed over him very quickly. He had seen Cloud not fifteen minutes before, standing at the base of the steps looking rather bored and tired. He was a bit worried about him since the previous day during the hand-to-hand, as he seemed distracted, albeit the boy usually projected an aura of uncertainty often, somehow it was a bit different.

He reached Cloud's post and glanced around. Nothing but happy people walking past, laughing as they enjoyed themselves.

The alleyway. Something drew him to it, and at first he wasn't sure what it was, but as he drew near, he could make out faint sounds flowing from deep within it. He blocked out the noises around him in his mind as he walked through the darken space, straining his hearing to try and focus on the noise that caught his attention. And as he moved slowly, his hand running along the wall to guide him through the darkness, his foot connected with an object on the ground with a short metallic scrape.

He stopped cold, his eyes slowly lowering down to see what looked like the forms of a pair of discarded guns, and a helmet lying on the ground.

It was that noise again, but now he realized it wasn't so much a noise, as it was a voice that he had heard.

The surface – it felt different against his hand.

A wooden door?

That voice – it was familiar.

Mejia.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Twenty-One: Catch-22.

Ending Author's Note: = w = So yeah, there it was...*guilty face* A-at least Cloud put up some sort of fight...right? Please don't kill me.

Heee, actually, special thanks to Daddy Ziggy for the description of getting electrocuted. *laughs* Back when he was younger, he worked for a phone company and was on site in a three foot hole in the ground, and somehow he got shocked and was blown straight out of the hole and landed a few yards away. Go dad! He's hardcore, man. XD So thanks to him for the descriptions of the body's reaction to electricity.

Squee, thank you everyone for all the reviews last chapter. It was a record-breaking amount. XD *hugs for everyone* I'm so happy that everyone is enjoying this story, and it was the best Christmas present I got. Oh yeah, I hope everyone had a nice holiday, and have a nice one coming up as well. New Years! Everyone, please stay safe, **have designated drivers** (for those over the drinking age), but most of all, have fun. Good Gotham, I sound like a mother... = n =

I was hoping to have a surprise for everyone this chapter that's a funny little side project, but the main thing I need to do it didn't arrive in the mail in time, so hopefully next week you guys will get to laugh at it. Confused? *evil laugh* Don't worry, it'll all make sense soon enough. I hope...if everything turns out. If not, just disregard this as the crazy ramble of the Ziggy.

Anyway, next chapter will be on Tuesday, January 5th...2010! After next chapter, I might hold off for a week. I was gonna do it this week, but I just couldn't bare to torture you guys for a whole extra week to find out what happens to Cloud...See you theeeeeen. *grin*

**Edit 12-09-10!: Black-Moral-Taka on deviantART. com has created a beautiful piece of fan-art from Chapter Twenty: Serendipity! It's so sad but pretty! Check it out! (Remove the spaces between the address)**

**h t t p : / / black-moral-taka. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Serendipity-188962445**

**Thank you, dear! I love it so much!**


	21. Chapter TwentyOne: Catch22

Chapter Twenty-One: Catch-22

* * *

He didn't even bother checking to see if the door was unlocked. He didn't even bother to try and determine what type of lock that was on the knob, or what type of knob it was, or even the thickness of the wood of the door. He didn't bother preparing his muscles or his limbs to kick in that lock on the knob of the door he knew nothing about, either.

All he knew was that Cloud was in there, and he could hear him pleading.

"Please, don't do it. I'll do anything else," was enough for Kunsel to kick in the knob, shattering the tumblers from the frame and sending the fragments of the hardware across the storage room. He stopped short as he entered, the sight before him causing his body to be overwhelmed in shock and disgust.

Cloud lay over several crates with blood running down his face, and with his hands pinned behind his back. His eyes were hazed with tears and delirium as the man behind him was preparing to violate.

"Mejia, you sick fuck!" Kunsel unsheathed his broadsword from his back, gripping it tight. "Get off of him, now!"

Mejia straightened slowly, zipping himself back up with a smirk. "Always sticking your nose where it doesn't belong, don't you, sir?"

"Better than sticking my dick where it doesn't belong." Kunsel looked to Cloud who was feebly trying to lift himself from the crates, but his arms gave out beneath him and he slumped back down with a moan. "What did you do to him?"

"Besides fuck his mouth?" He shrugged casually, walking around the crates to face off against Kunsel. "Just gave him a little shock, nothing much."

Kunsel widened his stance, his leather gloves creaking against the hilt of his sword. "I'm detaining you. You're coming back to Shin-Ra." The SOLDIER's eyes flicked over as Cloud was trying to lift his arm up, reaching towards Mejia's backside.

Mejia caught the slight movement in Kunsel's eyes. "But of course, _sir._ Understood, _sir_." With one hand, he mock saluted him, with the other, he reached behind his back and removed the handgun from the waist of his pants.

Kunsel watched as Cloud grabbed onto Mejia's arm behind his back and began to struggle with the man as he tried to resist.

"G-gun!" Cloud's disjointed voice tore through the thickness in the room. He was savage – barbaric even – as he scraped and fought with the man, trying to pry the gun away from his hand.

"You little fuck!"

Despite all of Cloud's efforts, the arm was tugged away with relative ease, and the gun was aimed at his head. There was a moment of stillness, almost as if time had ceased as the finger was slowly depressing the trigger.

Kunsel moved swiftly, lunging at Mejia with his sword, but within that moment as the blade neared, a shot erupted through the air. Kunsel watched as Cloud slid off of the crates with a sharp yell, and disappeared behind.

Mejia darted to the side as the sword came down, slicing through several crates where he had stood. He staggered and tried to gain his balance, but Kunsel was already gripping him roughly by the shirt before he could compose himself. He was hoisted up, only to be slammed back down into another stack of crates, and the gun ripped from his hand. His body crashed through, splintering the wood and sending the contents spilling out onto the ground.

The steel of the blade reverberated with Kunsel's anger as it was brought back down towards the ex-SOLDIER with conviction. Mejia rolled out of the way, tumbling over the remains of the crates before the blade could reach him. He scrambled to his feet, his hand scooping up an item that had fallen to the ground.

"Give up, you're unarmed, now." Kunsel dropped the magazine from the 9mm and it fell to the ground. He kicked it off to the side, and arrogantly threw the gun in the opposite direction. "SOLDIERs don't use those things, anyway. Shows how much you never relied on your own power."

"I don't care where power comes from, as long as I have it," he said, brushing himself off. "It was enough to get Strife to blow me good, so apparently it works."

Kunsel's stomach turned, and his anger showed. He was trying to process in his head what to do. He knew if he went to check on Cloud, Mejia would either attack him, or take off. If he were to detain Mejia, he'd run the risk of not tending to Cloud fast enough if he were to be seriously injured. Of course, he could just kill the man right there, but Shin-Ra wanted the man alive. He cursed to himself. "Just keep your hands where I can see them."

"Sir, yes, sir," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He slowly obeyed, raising his arms up from his sides.

_What's he up to? It was never this easy with Mejia._ Kunsel watched him warily, but then glanced down to the contents of the crates on the floor. There were accessories and materia scattered about. And by the time Kunsel put that short clue together, the dim room began to glow with an intense orange light, and he soon found himself swallowed up by a massive inferno.

* * *

Graves had attempted to turn and leave several times, but Ratcliff would throw out any banter he had stored up in his arsenal to bait him to stay. It had worked for several minutes, but soon the man began to give shorter answers, and the weight on his legs would shift more frequently.

"So what do you plan on doing after you get revenge for Elici, yeah? You won't be able to come back to Shin-Ra."

He scoffed. "Look like I care? I got places to go, dun ya worry 'bout me."

"They'll come after you, yeah."

"Once again, dun care."

"They'll kill you."

"Are ya done?

"No." But he fell silent. His arsenal was depleted, bone dry with the feeling of helplessness. He was hanging onto the hope of being able to talk him out of leaving, but once that was whisked away by the man's stubbornness, he knew that he had nothing left. He certainly couldn't physically stop the titan.

Yet somehow, as the man turned to leave, Ratcliff found himself throwing himself against him, latching his arms around the man's broad shoulders. His feet barely touched the ground as he leaned his weight back, trying to stop him.

Graves just laughed, amused. "This is so cute. Yer tryin' to stop me."

Ratcliff growled, attempting to tug against his neck.

"Was that supposed to be a purr?"

"Graves, please! Have some sense!"

His voice suddenly changed, and the jovial tone he had been using was gone, replaced with a fierce, and obvious frustration. "No, Ratcliff, you have some fuckin' sense! Now get the fuck off me before I slam yer ass into the wall." He waited for the grip around his neck to loosen, but when it didn't, he did as promised.

Ratcliff slid to the ground, once he had been crushed between the wall and the wall of a man. He struggled to breathe, his hand going up to his chest, as if placing it there would bring air back into his lungs. He watched through watering eyes as Graves began to walk away.

He disappeared into the crowd, and Ratcliff found some sort of strength from somewhere mustering into his muscles and he managed to collect himself. He wasn't going to let Graves get away, even if it meant having the man pummel him until he was brain-dead.

He called out for him several times as he exited the alleyway. He searched frantically for the man, and he spotted him heading towards the south side of town. Ratcliff could see the row of shops on the upper level of the town come into view as he pushed through everyone around him. He cut his way through a break in the crowd and was able to finally catch up to Graves who was only just strolling through as if he were there to enjoy the sights and activities.

"Shouldn't ya be getting' back to yer post or sumthin'?"

"At least say 'bye' to Cloud, yeah."

"He's here?" This seemed to have sparked some sort of sense into him and he stopped walking.

"Yeah, he's down at the south side. By the steps."

His aura suddenly changed; he looked panicked. This caused Ratcliff to take a cautious step back at the unusual expression.

"Did I say something wrong, yeah?"

"Mejia is here."

"...What?" Ratcliff's eyes were flickering against Graves, searching his face for any sign of dishonesty. He had really hoped that this was a very sick joke. "I know that his family lives here," he said slowly, almost afraid to respond. "You don't think he'd be stupid enough to come back to his hometown, do you? Shin-Ra would look here first, Graves."

"Dun mean he ain't here."

"What are you basing this off of? It's not like you actually saw him, did you?"

"Might've."  
"He has a brother, Graves. It was probably him that you saw, yeah."

"I ain't gonna risk it. Gotta find that fucker and quick." Graves started to walk again, but stopped when Ratcliff ran to stop in front of him.

"Graves!"

"Shouldn't ya be concerned 'bout Cloud with that fucker runnin' 'round?"

Ratcliff just stood there, actually managing a slightly intimidating glare.

But Graves simply growled as a rebuttal and cracked his knuckles. "If ya dun move, yer seriously not gonna walk away with the same face ya got now."

There was cluster of screams that sounded then at the south side of the town, and clamoring citizens began to run towards them in a frenzy. The two could see a flickering orange light reflecting off of the stone steps, and Ratcliff's stomach dropped.

"That's where Cloud is, yeah."

Graves took off running, and he followed.

* * *

The flames had erupted throughout the storage room and crawled through part of the alleyway. It had scared most of the citizens away in the surrounding area, and only left a few stragglers gawking as the fire died down quickly.

They reached the area and Ratcliff began running around and calling out for Cloud, searching to see if he had possibly escaped the small blast, or if he was trying to establish order in the panicky crowd. Yet he couldn't ignore the feeling he had that was trying to tell him that he was wasting his time, so he just followed Graves into the alleyway.

Graves ran through, stopping at the storage room, and he kicked the remains of the smoldering door to the side to enter. The wooden crates were crackling with fire, and several stacks fell into each other as the wood burned away.

And there he saw him, the man he had been searching for, lying on the ground with a sword wound in his side. And beside him lay Kunsel, the tip of his weapon dipped in the unmistakable color of blood.

"Mejia, ya mother fucker!"

The man stirred, sliding to his knees slowly. His hand went to his stomach, gripping his shallow wound without an ounce of pain in his face.

"I'm gonna kill ya for what ya did to Elici!"

"You might want to worry about Strife before you worry about me," he said, motioning to the back of the storage room as Cloud was dragging himself along the ground helplessly. His uniform was drenched in blood as well.

Graves' eyes darted from Cloud, to Mejia. Cloud collapsed back down onto the ground.

Ratcliff suddenly ran through, ignoring everyone. He kneeled down, muttering to Cloud frantically as he tugged up his trousers and began searching his shoulder for the source of the bleeding.

Cloud's head slumped off into Ratcliff's lap, but his eyes were half open and watching the entrance of the room in a daze. His mouth moved slightly, but no words came out.

Mejia took the distraction from Ratcliff and barreled past Graves into the alley.

"Fuck!" Graves turned to leave, but Ratcliff stopped him.

"What about Cloud!" He stared at him with begging eyes.

But Graves turned, and left to follow Mejia.

"Graves!" Ratcliff began to set Cloud back down onto the ground to follow him as Kunsel began to move. He hoped that he would be able to take care of him if he were to chase after. But as he prepared himself to stand, Cloud was suddenly clinging onto his uniform and sobbing hysterically into him. "Cloud," he said, hushing him, and then cursing to himself. "It's okay, you're going to be okay."

Cloud's voice muttered something against him, and Ratcliff had to lean down to understand the incoherent words at first. It took several moments to make it out, but in the end it was only one word that he was saying repeatedly. He was calling for Zack.

_I can't leave him like this._ Ratcliff squeezed his eyes shut, his hands smoothing out Cloud's hair as he cried against him._ I wasn't here for him._

"Haskin, can you read me?"

Ratcliff opened his eyes to see that Kunsel was up and kicking aside some flaming debris from the crates while speaking through the radio headset beneath his helmet. Ratcliff's eyes caught something metallic in the wreckage.

"3rd Class Angels Mejia, and Cadet Graves have been sighted and confronted in town. They may be heading your way at the entrance. Your orders are to intercept them and stop them at all costs. Use force if you have to."

"Sir! But Gr-" Ratcliff began.

"Here, give him to me," Kunsel cut him off angrily as he leaned down and picked Cloud up over his shoulder. Cloud just hung over motionlessly, save for his constant mumbling of Zack's name through sobs, and Kunsel carried him out into the alley. He lay him down some distance away and respectfully buttoned up his trousers for him, gritting his teeth at the memory of Mejia behind him. "Sick fuck."

Ratcliff exited a few moments later, fidgeting with his uniform blouse nervously as he stepped over the remains of the door. He hurried over and kneeled down beside them.

Kunsel's hand began to glow with a soft green hue as he gently placed it against Cloud's shoulder. "Sorry buddy, but Cura will have to do for now. Shin-Ra only gives us what they think we need," he said, trying to keep his tone calm as the boy continued to cry on the ground. "They don't think that things can escalate like this..."

"How...bad was it when you got there, sir?"

Kunsel ignored his question. "Up to the town entrance, _now_. Do not let either of them leave."

Ratcliff hesitated, glancing down to Cloud who was shuddering violently. "But...sir..."

"Now!"

Another moment of hesitation, but he stood and left, gripping his assault rifle in his hands.

* * *

The bleeding began to stop in Cloud's shoulder, and the wound on his face began to close with the magic, but he remained in a dazed state of consciousness, even as he was lifted and carried back to the Inn.

Ratcliff began tending to the bullet wound on his shoulder, and he could hear Kunsel in the next room over yelling at Zabalza and Kumpf who had apparently been too drunk and were passed out on their beds as everything occurred. His yelling had sobered them up, and he sent them back out to continue patrolling the festival, but not after threatening them with harsh punishment when they got back to Midgar.

He could hear Kunsel then talking to Haskin, who Ratcliff had to drag back as well. By the time he reached the entrance of the town, Mejia and Graves had already escaped, but took the time to injure Haskin in the process as he tried to stop them. Kunsel got to him quickly, and it looked like he had only suffered a broken elbow, and bruised pride.

"You still with me, Cloud?" Ratcliff had the boy propped up, facing him as he wrapped his shoulder in a bandage. The bullet had only grazed over his shoulder, and the wound wasn't as deep as he originally thought it was.  
Cloud just moaned as a reply, his head slumped into Ratcliff's neck. He had been slipping in and out of consciousness for a while now, and Ratcliff had just wished that he would pass out so he didn't have to hear his bouts of hysteric crying he would go through when he was awake enough to comprehend what had happened as he tended to him.

Having found Cloud with his pants down could only mean one thing, and he assumed it was the worst. Mejia could do nothing less than the worst, he knew. "Okay, down you go, yeah?" He lowered him slowly down onto his back, and he stood, watching as Cloud's eyes would dart about beneath half-mast lids. Ratcliff sighed softly and wiped tears that were rolling slowly across his temples before they could disappear into his hair. "Don't cry, my friend, please."

"Zack..."

"No, I'm sorry," he whispered, wiping away a fresh pair of tears again on Cloud's face. "Not Zack. It's just...Ratcliff."

And he repeated Zack's name again, this time his voice rising in pitch, about ready to go into another fit of panic.

"Cloud, please," Ratcliff said, no longer able to keep his own composure as he found his own voice reflecting frustration. "Don't cry again, please. Calm down, it's okay now. Just get some sleep."

Zack's name was once more repeated, through sobs.

"Okay, okay," he muttered, patting his hand which was gripping the blankets tightly. He paused for a moment, pursing his lips from uncertainty. But when Cloud's breathing began to become more erratic and the tears began to flow more quickly, his mind was forced to make an awkward decision. "That's right, I'm here...Spikey."

"...Zack?" Cloud's eyes fluttered open fully, but the look in them was as if he couldn't see what was in front of him. They were lost, and foggy with pain.

"Yeah...it's...me," Ratcliff whispered and squeezed his eyes shut, ashamed.

Cloud's hand loosened its grip, and he released a quivering sigh before his head fell to the side.

"Go to sleep, okay Spikey?"

"...I...was...Angel...?"

_Is that what Zack calls you, now?_

Ratcliff tentatively passed his hand over Cloud's forehead, pushing back his matted watched as his eyes released the last of his tears before they closed, and his eyebrows slowly relaxed on his face. A soft noise came from parted lips – it almost sounded content.

_How...fitting._

He slowly found himself leaning down, his thumb brushing against the bruise on Cloud's cheek, tracing the contours of the swollen skin. "Goodnight, Angel," he whispered.

_I'm sorry that I'm not Zack, Cloud._

Cloud mouthed Zack's name one last time, and Ratcliff could see a small tug on his lips, as if he were trying to smile.

The door to the room opened, and caused Ratcliff to jump, pulling himself away from Cloud, not having realized how close he was until the sound brought him back to his senses. Kunsel entered, cursing under his breath; he didn't seem to notice Ratcliff's awkward position.

"How is he?" he said, sitting down on the bed next to Cloud's with an aggravated sigh.

_"_Asleep, finally."

They fell silent for a while, just listening to the festival continue outside, and the soft breathing of the boy beside them. Neither wanted to speak the words in their mind, as one had a difficult question, and the other had a difficult answer. But the silence was finally broken as Ratcliff looked up to Kunsel, the lip he was biting between his teeth finally being released with his words.

"How far did he-"

"Oral."

Ratcliff nodded a few times, shuddering to himself.

"I guess you could say I got there in time. To stop...you know."

"Yeah."

Cloud stirred a bit, shifting against the mattress. He whimpered in pain quietly, but nothing more.

"How did you get him to calm down?" Kunsel said, looking up at Ratcliff with what could have been a look of concern.

"I...didn't." Ratcliff suddenly stood, not looking Kunsel in the eye as he moved to clean up the medical supplies scattered about. "He just did on his own, yeah."

"Zack," Kunsel started, and Ratcliff finally turned to look at him with wide eyes, "is going to kill us when he finds out."

"...Yeah." Ratcliff gritted his teeth and entered the bathroom to wash up. He could hear Kunsel standing and moving to the door again.

"Stay here with Cloud, I'm going to go out and try to get a hold of headquarters, and try and get some information on which way they went from the townspeople."

"Yes, sir."

And as quick as Kunsel came, he left.

* * *

After Ratcliff cleaned up the medical supplies, he poked his head back into the room to make sure Cloud was still asleep, and then decided to take a shower. He felt disgusted with himself for acting the way he did with Graves, and then for the mere thought of possibly leaving the injured Cloud to chase after that idiot. As childish as it seemed, he wanted to make things right again. He wanted Graves to come back, he wanted Cloud to be able to feel safe, and that no more harm would come to him.

_But he has Zack._

Ratcliff also felt disgusted with himself for thinking that he could be the only one to bring him happiness. Zack was able to get Cloud to smile in a way that he had never seen before. The man pulled Cloud into his gravity, surrounding him in that lively aura, and it mended him; it made Cloud stronger.

And all Ratcliff could do was sit by and watch Cloud break.

After a long while of just standing idly beneath the stream, he thought he could hear sobbing through the sound of the shower, so he shut the faucet closed and listened. It was suddenly silent; nothing but the soft drops of water hitting the drain below. He groaned to himself and dressed, listening as there was a shuffling in the room, and then the sound of a body thumping up against one of the walls.

Ratcliff exited the bathroom and looked to the window where Cloud's form was slumped against the wall beneath, and huddled into himself. "You know, you don't have to stop crying just because I turned the water off, yeah," he said softly, walking over to him.

"I wasn't," he muttered, his voice heavy with the evidence of what he was denying.

"It's okay to cry, Cloud."

"I wasn't."

Ratcliff kneeled in front of him, watching as the boy curled into himself more, ducking his head down into his raised knees. "You should be resting, yeah."

"I don't want to."

"Kunsel said you were hit with Thundara. You shouldn't be moving around. Your nerves might be shot, yeah."

"I'm fine."

He sighed and sat beside him, then frowned when Cloud flinched. "Sorry, I can move, ye-"

"It's fine."

Another sigh, and a nervous hand reached out and patted Cloud's knee. "You know...you can uh...talk to me." He smiled awkwardly, but warmly. "I've...been through it, yeah."

He just shook his head, and Ratcliff could see through the faint light filtering through from the festival that there were tears rolling down his face once more. "Hey, c'mon, Cloud..." he said as he reached up to brush them away.

Cloud suddenly smacked his hand away angrily. "You lied to me."

Ratcliff was stunned. He knew exactly what he was talking about, and it was as all the excuses in the world flooded into his head at once, yet nothing but stammering came from his mouth. "I...never...I...Cloud, no, I-"

"Graves was there."

Ratcliff let his head drop back to hit the wall, and he stared up at the ceiling for a bit as they sat there uncomfortably silent in each other's presence. He wanted to think that he hadn't really lied to Cloud, as he just told him that he didn't know where the man was. And he honestly didn't know, but no amount of rationalizing it would take away from the fact that it truly was a lie behind all of the excuses.

"I'm sorry, Cloud, I just-"

"Save it, Ratcliff."

"...Yeah."

They fell silent again, and Cloud had tried to move away, but his coordination was clumsy, as if his body was confused about how to move. He groaned quietly, trying to mask his pain from the man who sat only a few inches beside him, but his strength was depleting. He slumped up against Ratcliff's shoulder unwillingly.

"I just wanted to protect you, Cloud," Ratcliff finally said, after Cloud's groans turned into soft breathing.

"It's hard to protect someone with lies," was the final thing that Cloud had muttered before he fell asleep.

Ratcliff turned his head into Cloud's after a few minutes, and he pressed his lips together nervously. He could feel his heartbeat matching the rhythm of the boy's breathing against his shoulder, and he slowly reached up across his chest, brushing a few strands of hair away from Cloud's face. He found himself leaning towards him, and his lips relaxed, and parted. He watched as Cloud seemed to nuzzle into him, or perhaps he was just trying to shift positions as he slept. But Ratcliff stopped himself and pulled away, once more letting his head hit the wall. His heartbeat no longer matched.

"It's hard, Cloud...but it can be done."

Ratcliff was tired, but the sound of Cloud crying in his sleep kept him awake throughout most of the night.

* * *

Kunsel flipped his phone closed, glancing over to Cloud who was propped up against the side of a building lifelessly. They all stood about silently, waiting for the truck to arrive. Everyone looked exhausted. Kumpf and Zabalza were suffering from obvious hangovers, Haskin an injured arm, Kunsel from being out most of the night trying to get information, and Ratcliff for watching over Cloud and listening to his bouts of hysteria.

And now the boy had his head dipped down to his chest, his eyes fluttering between being open and closed, with a mind that was going between being conscious and unconscious. He managed to snag a few hours of sleep during the night, between his crying and constant muttering of Zack's name, but he was now unresponsive to anyone who would speak to him, even while awake. They just figured he'd talk when he was ready, or conscious enough to.

The truck finally arrived after a while of uncomfortable silence between everyone, and they began to pile in. Ratcliff helped Cloud stand, who tried doing it on his own but only managed to stumble, and he set him down against the side of the trailer. He sat beside him and had to hang onto him as the truck began its journey through the plains. The boy just groaned to himself and pressed his head into the side of the trailer.

Everyone just sat and watched quietly. After a while, Cloud began to nod off, and he fell against Ratcliff's shoulder.

"So...like," Zabalza started softly, motioning over to Cloud, "what happened?"

"It doesn't concern you," was Kunsel's quick reply. He was already planning their punishment in his head, regretting all of the paperwork that would need to be filed, and fearing having to tell Zack what happened to his friend that Kunsel swore to watch over, all at once. "The only thing you should be concerned with right now is how you'll fair up when we get back to Midgar."

"Yes, sir."

"That goes for you two as well, Kumpf and Ratcliff."

They both nodded silently, and Ratcliff hung his head, ashamed. He knew he was in for some sort of punishment for having left his post, and having left his radio behind. He regretted it, and that was punishment enough for him. If he had only kept it on as he was chasing after Graves, he would have heard Kunsel calling for backup and Cloud might not have been in this bad of shape.

And he feared for his life for when Zack would find out. But whatever the SOLDIER might say or do, he knew he would deserve it. He would gladly take any repercussions from his actions, and his lack of actions, in this case. Nothing that would happen to him would compare to what Cloud had gone through.

The truck hit a bump in the dirt road, and caused Cloud's body to fall against him once more. The boy's head lay against his neck, and he could feel that his skin was hot with fever. Cloud murmured Zack's name into his ear.

"Don't worry, yeah. You'll see him soon," he muttered back, his voice being drowned out to the others by the noise of the truck. "He'll take care of you, Cloud. I promise."

Tears began to form in Ratcliff's eyes as he listened to the boy rambling the SOLDIER's name repeatedly through the rest of the ride back to Midgar. Ratcliff tried to talk to him quietly to comfort, he tried to soothe him with rubbing his back or his knee as he moaned in pain, but there wasn't anything he could say or do that could replace Zack's comfort for Cloud.

* * *

Kunsel stood before Tseng and Lazard, trying to control the facial expression his emotions attempted to make on his face, but he managed to keep it relatively stoic. Even as they told him...no – _ordered him _to stay quiet about it.

The Briefing Room fell silent then as the men stopped talking and looked as if they awaited Kunsel to just simply turn and leave. How could he just walk out after hearing something like that?

"Excuse me?" Lazard said, looking up from the computer screen he sat in front of.

Kunsel wasn't aware that he had actually spoke that thought aloud. He looked to Tseng who had a slightly less insulted expression.

"M-my apologies, Director," Kunsel said, nervously. Zack's bad traits were rubbing off on him, and he was surprised with himself that he had muttered that for them to hear. He usually had control over his tongue, but after hearing _that_...

Tseng glanced over to Lazard and held up a hand dismissively as he looked like he was about to reprimand Kunsel for his outburst, no matter how quietly it was said.

"I'll handle it." Tseng walked past Kunsel, motioning for him to follow.

They exited the Briefing Room with a hiss of the glass door, and they walked to the large window on the SOLDIER floor. A few other SOLDIERs that were nearby had enough brains to sense that the conversation was not meant for them to hear, so they walked off. Usually when a Turk – let alone it being Tseng – was nearby, it usually meant something serious.

"Sir, if I may speak?"

Tseng nodded, staring out at the window, watching the green haze of fumes rise from one of the Mako Reactors on the outskirts of the city.

"He will find out about this."

"Your orders were not to speculate. Your orders are simply to not inform 1st Class Zack Fair of the incidents in Kalm. That is all."

"But Cl-...Cadet Strife will surely say something to him about it. They are friends, after all."

"Cadet Strife will be debriefed thoroughly in the matter after his discharge from the infirmary."

"But Zack – he'll wonder where he is, and when he finds out that he's in the infirmary, he'll start asking questions."

"You and Cadet Ratcliff are to keep the matter to yourself, and that is all."

"But...why?" He couldn't even begin to wrap his brain around the purpose of keeping something like this away from Zack.

Tseng gave him an interested look, borderline shock, as if Kunsel should already know the answer. "As you are aware, we have recently lost two of our 1st Class SOLDIERs."

"Yes, sir," was all he responded with. He didn't want to say something that would let Tseng know that he knew more information than he probably should have. Knowing so much sometimes backfired, and he would forget what he was supposed to know, and what he shouldn't know, and mix the two up. He relaxed a bit when Tseng continued to speak without waiting for him to answer his statement any further.

"And as you are aware, 1st Class Zack Fair can be a bit..." He trailed off, thinking of the proper term for the rather spontaneous and thick-headed man. "..._Zealous _about certain things. He has showed some _interest_ in making contact with Angels Mejia, and we fear that he might take drastic actions if he were to find out about this incident. We cannot afford to lose another 1st Class."

"...I understand."

"We will ensure that the matter is dealt with as efficient as possible to minimize loss to the company, and this includes following through with your orders."

"Yes, sir."

"That is all."

Kunsel saluted him and turned stiffly on his heels. He immediately pulled out his cellphone and flipped it open as he rounded a corner. There was no way that he was going to follow this order. Zack was his friend before anything else. He thumbed the buttons until the messaging program opened, and he began to type.

"Oh, and Kunsel."

Kunsel stopped, slowly returning the phone back to his pocket as he turned. He felt his heart beating heavy in his chest, and realized that Tseng had followed him. "Sir?"

"We'll be monitoring you until after this investigation is over. And that includes your phone."

Kunsel could no longer control his facial expressions, and Tseng seemed to smirk at his obvious discontent.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Two: Run-Around

Ending Author's Note: Bwaaa...Poor Ratcliff... = w = he just can't replace Zack. And poor Kunsel...taking away his ability to gossip and inform is like...taking away a pacifier from a baby...XD Ironic when you think about that.

I have a surprise for all of you.

Yes. This was the silly side project I spoke of in my last author's note. **This is my way of saying thank you**, and my gift to all of you who read and enjoy this story as much as I enjoy writing it and sharing it. Be amazed...be amused.

**http: // photobucket. com / ZiggysFightTheZolom**

Throw this into your web browser, **delete all the spaces** I had to add, and enjoy. It was a lot of work, especially for my current health, but I think it turned out really great. XD I might even recreate more. Be careful deleting the spaces and such. If you mess up it won't work. It took me three tries to get to it that way. I was just testing. So if it doesn't take you to the site right away, try again. It'll work, trust me. And it will (hopefully) be worth it. Also, I'll post a link in my profile so if you want to go to it that way, please do so. XD

Please, feel free to leave comments on those if you like. XD I'd love to hear what you guys think, even if it's just, "Ziggy...this is really stupid and I can't believe you wasted your time on this." Well, maybe not that, but you get what I mean. I apologize that it's on Photobucket...it totally sucks now with all the ads and whatnot. (Update! I went Pro just so you guys didn't have to deal with the stupid ads. That's how much I love you.) And for some strange reason, you can't view it as a slide show. Photobucket doesn't make the connection that there is "content in the album" or something. I dunno, it had a heart attack whenever I tried...But anyway, enjoy and have a good lawl.

So expect the next chapter on Tuesday, January 19th...but maybe the 12th...I seriously haven't decided yet. = n = Ugh...sorry. XD Most likely the 19th...

Edit (5-04-10):

Lady-Yuna7 drew a beautiful scene from Chapter Twenty-One: Catch-22! She did a great job shading this one! Copy and paste the link … blah, blah, blah, you know what to do!:

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Catch-22-162544733


	22. Chapter TwentyTwo: RunAround

Chapter Twenty-Two: Run-Around

* * *

It had been seven days. Seven long days, and he wanted to see him.

When the helicopter finally picked them up from the cave, Zack ordered the helicopter pilot to fly to Kalm instead of back to Midgar like they were scheduled. The pilot refused, but after a few..._choice words,_ the pilot finally agreed and made a little detour.

Reno didn't mind. He said it beat filing paperwork back in the office.

So they exited and searched through the town, and through the remains of the festival. They questioned the townsfolk about Mejia, but no one seemed to want to talk about him. In the end, they found nothing but the aftermath of a fire down in a storage room beneath the shops with nothing but wreckage from the crates, and a magazine to a 9mm handgun, but no handgun.

On the ride back, both Zack and Reno were silent and had their attention focused on their cellphones. A knot was in Zack's stomach as he had been sending Kunsel text messages asking about their mission in Kalm, and if everything had gone okay, but the man never responded. He was normally very quick to respond, and quite possibly could text with his eyes closed, but throughout the few hours back to Midgar he had not received one message back from him. That knot grew bigger.

And Reno seemed preoccupied with something on his phone, once he was able to get it working again, and Zack had figured he was sending a mini report back to Tseng. Reno would glance up every now and then from his phone, and their eyes would meet, but nothing else.

When they had touched back down in Midgar, Reno had motioned for Zack to follow him. Zack scoffed and shook his head, but when Reno showed him the waterlogged screen on his cellphone Zack mouthed a four letter word. The screen showed a text message from Tseng saying, "That's an order, Zack."

Unwillingly, Zack followed him and he soon found himself in the infirmary, locked in a room with several grunts outside the door guarding with the excuse that he needed to rest because of his eyesight. He was enraged, and each time he would try to leave or speak with someone, he was denied. He figured it was because of his usual stubbornness for medical attention when he was injured, but they hadn't even come in to inspect him for any injuries.

So after spending half the night trying to bribe the guards to let him sneak out, and the other sleeping because he was actually pretty tired, he was finally released with a silly bottle of eye drops the next morning and that was it. Now, had the staff actually evaluated him and let him speak in his defense, they would have known that his eyesight was perfectly fine and had been since the morning he got back. He threw the bottle of eye drops away in the first trash bin he saw.

He had headed towards the infantry barracks despite being ordered to immediately report to Director Lazard and then Tseng's office for debriefing, but as he rounded the corner, there was Reno again motioning for him to follow. Luck was just not on his side.

And it wouldn't be for four more days.

He would be assigned a mission, and he would complete it as fast as he could, and then race back to the building to see Cloud, only to find himself being assigned another mission immediately after. At first they were decent and understandable, and that was fine. But after the fourth night where he had spent two hours trying to round up some escaped lab monsters, only to have the scientist in charge let them loose again on accident – or what he assumed was on accident – and then spent another three hours getting them back, he was starting to believe that these things were happening on purpose.

And on the seventh day of not seeing Cloud, he went into Director Lazard's office, marched right up to the man's desk, set his cellphone down in front of him and simply said, "I'll be back for this tomorrow. For now, leave me alone." and walked off. He heard Lazard calling after him, but at that point he didn't care. He was tired of getting, what felt like, the run-around. But what the run-around was about, he wasn't sure. He just knew it felt like something was behind the insipid missions, and what felt like a distance everyone was putting between him and Cloud.

He normally wouldn't have thought much about it, as Shin-Ra did have their fair share of stupid missions, but the fact that Kunsel, of all people, was being quiet, he knew something wasn't quite right. He would find him later, however. Right now he didn't want to see anyone else but Cloud.

But now, Zack poked his head around the corner, taking in each slight movement in the hallway. He was particularly looking for a black suit crowned with a head of red hair, as that was all that he seemed to have been seeing lately hanging around the barracks and waiting for him.

He sighed a rather relieved sigh when he realized that Reno was nowhere near, and he slipped into the double doors with a perhaps too jubilant-looking grin on his face. Two days of being on his mission, one stuck in the infirmary, and then four days of extra missions was a long time away from Cloud. And after his failed mission in finding Mejia, only to find out that the man was possibly in Kalm the entire time, his impatience and worry seemed to have doubled. And when no one was providing him with answers, or at least keeping him away from even asking any questions to get those answers, his worry tripled.

Cloud was nowhere to be found.

"Fuck!" he said as he looked around in disbelief. The only blond he was able to spot was Ratcliff lounging around on his bunk above Cloud's.

A few of the infantrymen saluted him and greeted him with excited clamors, and this he noticed got Ratcliff's attention, which was then quickly turned away in what Zack thought looked like nervousness or fright.

He now knew something wasn't quite right.

After politely speaking with some of the men, he excused himself and headed straight for Ratcliff who was now sticking his nose so far into a book that it must have been impossible for him to read it.

"Hey."

Ratcliff slowly peeled the book away, smiling crookedly down at him. "Sir. Good to see you."

"Get down here."

"Sir?"

"Now."

He slowly lowered himself down off of the bunk, looking all the more scared now, and this caused Zack to rethink his approach. Ratcliff seemed like the type to freak out and bolt if cornered aggressively. Zack blocked him from a salute that was about to be made when the man straightened in front of him.

"Don't, it's not necessary."

"Yes, sir."

"At ease," Zack said, motioning to the beds. They took a seat, and Ratcliff was forcing a meek smile at him. "How was the mission?" He wasn't going to waste the time and little patience he had at this point with small-talk.

"It went fine, sir," Ratcliff said, with no hesitation.

Zack was surprised to hear that, actually. He then began to think that perhaps his worrying was for nothing. He relaxed, if only a little, and shook his head at him. "Please, don't call me 'sir' right now. I'm tired of being called that the past few days with all my missions."

"Sure."

"Well, I'm glad to hear that your mission went okay. What did you guys end up doing?"

"Just patrolling the festival. It was pretty much a boring night."

Zack nodded a few times. "Nothing of interest at all? With all those people and all that alcohol?"

"Nope, just a festival," he said casually. "There was a slight skirmish between two people manning neighboring booths, but that was just over smoke from the barbeque blowing into the other man's face."

"Smoke, huh?" He thought of the storage room that was burned. It was definitely caused from a recent fire, but he wasn't good at determining time frames on that sort of stuff, and Reno didn't really seem to know either. He couldn't pinpoint it happening on that exact night.

"It was a funny argument, actually. They called me and Kunsel over to have us handle the fight, but Kunsel just asked them what they wanted us to do. It's not like we could place the smoke under arrest or anything."

Zack laughed. "Yeah, that sounds like something Kunsel would say!" He relaxed just a little bit more, giving Ratcliff a warm smile, who returned it, but stiffly. "So, has Kunsel been busy lately or something?" He didn't want to get to asking about Cloud just yet. Something still didn't seem right to him.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it feels like he's been avoiding me lately. I've been texting him but he doesn't text back."

"He is the only one watching over the unit, since Mejia is gone. He eats and breathes this barrack on his own, now."

"True..." He trailed off for a moment, watching as Ratcliff shifted on the bed, almost nervously. He had spent enough time with the man to know his behavior. He couldn't quite place what was so strange about this conversation yet, but there was definitely something there, or lacking, that was making him uncomfortable. "So, where's Cloud? I really wanted to see him."

"He's out getting something to eat I think," he said, not missing a beat. "He said he was pretty hungry. Should be back soon, if you wanted to wait for him."

Zack sighed once more, his shoulders sinking in complete alleviation. He felt guilty for doubting Ratcliff, and he felt even worse for suspecting Kunsel from keeping secrets from him and avoiding him. He bounced up and down a few times on the bed, getting comfortable, and glanced around excitedly. "Sure, sounds great. I can't wait to see him."

"I know he can't wait to see you, too."

"He said he missed me?" Zack said, lowering his voice, but he knew that the sparkle in his eyes spoke volumes, however.

Ratcliff smiled again, and it was no longer nervous-looking, but something else. It was almost sad. "He said something like that."

Zack hummed pleasantly to himself then, and could almost feel his face heating up. All he could picture doing in the past week was embracing him and holding him in his arms. He wanted to know that he was safe, especially after all his worrying he did about Mejia possibly being in Kalm. "Got any playing cards?"

"Pardon?"

"Might as well do something while we're waiting for Cloud, right? Want to play a few games?"

"Sure, I'll play, yeah."

And that's when it hit him. He froze, staring at Ratcliff for quite some time with their eyes locked. Neither moved from their position, neither blinked, neither even breathed. They just sat and listened to the men around them laughing and carrying on carefree conversations.

Eventually, the sound of Ratcliff swallowing loudly caused them both to force smiles at each other, and reminded them to breathe again.

"So. Those cards?" Zack said, still staring into him intently.

Ratcliff just nodded, his eyes reflecting everything that Zack feared, and yet he said nothing as he got up to find a deck of cards.

* * *

Every few minutes through the bouts of silence, she would ask Cloud questions. What type of music did he like, what movies had he seen recently, what his favorite part about being in the Shin-Ra army was, what he thought about the current weather, and every other inane question she could possibly think of asking to get him to talk.

And it wasn't like he didn't say anything to her. In fact, by the second day of his sessions he said a record-breaking six words to her.

"I don't want to be here."

And on the fourth day, it was a record-breaking seven words.

"I don't want to be here, please."

The psychologist had just smiled at him and said that she 'felt that it was in his best interest' if he were to just stay for a bit and try to tell her 'what brings him in today'. All of her carefully worded questions made him all the more careful about not answering.

And they both knew the real reason why he bothered to enter her brightly lit, clean-lined and contemporary decorated office and spend sixty minutes sitting on an oddly shaped, but surprisingly comfortable sofa – he was _ordered_ to.

They had even bothered to type up the order and hand deliver it to him as he tried to ditch his appointment with Dr. Arolin on the fourth day. The first three in the infirmary she had come to visit him as he lay in the bed hooked up to machines that he thought no one was really paying any attention to. And she said her usual speech to try and get him to talk, but he just did his usual ignoring and stared down at his legs beneath the blanket.

Finally, he was discharged from the infirmary. The doctors had explained to him that a side effect of getting hit with strong electricity from Thundara would bring about mood swings and anxiety. He was still suffering through muscle spasms and his joints constantly ached, so a slew of muscle relaxers, pain killers and anxiety medication was dispensed to him, which he just threw out in a trash bin as soon as he left down the hallway. He had rounded a corner to immediately head out to find Zack, but a redheaded Turk stopped him and simply handed him the typed up order to head down to the psychologist's office.

"_Failure to follow through with this order will result in disciplinary action which includes, but not limited to: Trial through court-martial, honorable discharge and/or corrective custody._"

The Turk just shrugged his shoulders with eyebrows raised as if to say 'shit happens, bro', and casually walked off. Cloud just stood staring down at the nonsensical order in disbelief. He was being forced to see the psychologist, that part he could somewhat grasp, but to go as far as sending him to the brig if he failed to go to one quack session left him utterly stunned.

He knew that the company didn't care about his wellbeing _that_ much to threaten him with a discharge if he were to disobey. If they cared that much, they would have been more forceful for him to go see Dr. Arolin the first time around when Mejia had attacked him. Something was going on behind the scenes; he wasn't that ignorant of the inner-workings of this business titan to not know that. But for reasons why Shin-Ra would be so _persuasive_ about insuring he followed through with his sessions, he wasn't so sure.

So now he sat staring at a rather pointlessly decorated pillow beside him as the psychologist asked him pointlessly decorated questions which were all a poor attempt in tricking him to talk about things he'd rather soon forget. He took a somewhat uninterested note in the pattern of the beading work on the pillow, and wondered if those beads even did anything to change the pointlessness of the pillow itself.

Would the pillow be viewed in a different light if one bead was sewn too high, or too low? Would it be any different if the curvature of the spiral pattern was any more arched or tightly coiled? Would he think it had more value or function had the beads been a different color?

This pillow really was useless. It was too small to be used to sleep on, and it did nothing but sit in the corner of the couch taking up space that could be used for someone's legs if they wanted to stretch out. It did nothing to comfort him, or make him feel as if he were at home with his own familiar pillows, and it certainly did not make him want to talk about his feelings. All it did was sit there and distract him from the constant mantra of the psychologist for the duration of his session.

Perhaps the pointlessly decorated pillow wasn't so pointless.

"So is there anything you'd like to talk about today, Cloud?"

"Not especially."

She watched as he reached over and grabbed the pillow on her sofa, and he fingered the beads as if testing the strength of the sewing job. "Well," she began, adjusting her glasses so that he could see her eyes, if he were to only make eye contact, "how are things going with Zack?"

Cloud's fiddling with the beading stopped, and he became still. It was not a sign of uncomfortableness that he was displaying, but an aura of solace in the mere mention of the SOLDIER. But he just shook his head, trying to hide the bubbling feelings she knew he was experiencing at that moment, but failed as a small smile appeared on his face.

"Things are going well?"

"I...suppose. We hang out sometimes..."

She nodded. His words suggested a casual acquaintance with the man, but she could tell by his subtle demeanor that it was more than just that. She was glad that this boy at least had some light in his life at the moment, given the circumstances as of late. "He seems like a caring person. I think it's good that you associate with each other."

"Yeah." He seemed to clutch onto the pillow tightly before he set it back down onto the couch where it once was. He adjusted it to nearly exactly how it sat before he picked it up.

"What qualities do you have, do you think draws Zack to you as your friend?" She watched him closely as he became still once more, but that aura disappeared.

_"You're only good for fucking, my little slut."_

Cloud whimpered inaudibly, or at least what he thought was inaudible, as he wrapped his arms around himself, looking down at the floor. "I-I...I don't...know," he whispered.

Her voice came out softer now, seeing as he became more withdrawn. She had said something that caused him upset, but she wasn't exactly sure what he had been thinking. "You have many wonderful qualities in you, Cloud."

"I don't want to be here, please."

She stood as he was gripping himself tightly, causing his muscles to visibly shake in his arms. "Cloud, please, you can relax." She sat next to him, unsure if she should make physical contact with him. "You don't have to answer the question. I just wanted you to see what Zack sees in you."

He was narrowing his eyes as tears began to swarm in them, and she could tell he was trying to fight them back from falling onto his face.

"Cloud." She watched as he began to dig his fingertips into his skin. She repeated his name again, but he continued to stare ahead with eyes that darted about as if he were watching something. "I need you to relax for me, okay? It's all-"

"Please," he muttered, but his eyes remained fixated on nothing before him. "Don't make me."

"Cloud, no one is making you do anything right now. It's just you and me."

He began to gag, his hand going up to clutch his mouth as his shoulders bobbed. "N-no, stop."

"There is no one with us right now." Her voice began to strengthen, trying to penetrate through the flashback he was experiencing, but only watched in helplessness as he continued to react to whatever he was seeing. "He is not here with us, Cloud. There is no one here that can hurt you."

He was rocking back and forth, shaking his head and pleading. "I'll do anything else just...not..."

"Mejia is not here right now, Cloud!" She reached out and gripped his upper arm, jolting him back to reality with a firm hold.

He sucked in a breath and blinked rapidly, causing the tears that had built up in his eyes to fall onto the hand that was still clutching his mouth. He pulled his hand away, his eyes searching his surroundings hesitantly, as if he were waking from a nightmare. His gaze then traveled down to his hand, where he gave the tears a look of confusion.

The psychologist slowly pried her fingers away from his arm, and he watched in a dazed interest. "What...did you see, Cloud?"

He began stammering quietly, uttering no words that she could possibly understand, and then he slumped to the back of the couch in exhaustion. After a moment of forming his words, he was able to speak through a few labored breaths. "N-nothing. I...don't remember."

"Cloud, please, you can tell me."

"No. I want to go. I want..."

She waited, lifting her eyebrows as their gaze met momentarily, before he looked away in shame. "What do you want, Cloud?"

* * *

She couldn't do it, but she had been told to. She just couldn't bring herself to convince Cloud that talking to Zack about the incident wouldn't be beneficial, when she knew damn well that it was. Shin-Ra was twisted, _she knew this_, but to deny the boy his only real means of coping just so the company could hang onto one of their 'prized' SOLDIERs was unfathomable to her. Admittedly, she grew somewhat numb to her job overtime, as that was sometimes a good thing given her profession, but there was something about this patient that she just couldn't let go and detach herself from. He was so young and seemingly fragile, and when she observed him interacting with the only person that seemed to make him smile, she found herself unable to lie to him for the sake of Shin-Ra.

She was reluctant to let him leave her office. She tried to get him to talk about the incident in Kalm a bit more, but he refused with silence. She was given as much detail as there was about it, but the only people who knew exactly what happened was Cloud, and Mejia himself. She knew he needed more help, but she couldn't force him to stay. She only hoped that he would come to the next appointment she penciled in for him in her books, and was surprised that when she handed him the appointment card, he took it without hesitation. She had faith, as he came to this session of his own free will, or at least so she believed, so perhaps she would be seeing him in two days time once again.

Cloud didn't look at her as he left, but he mumbled a very half-hearted thank you and slipped out the door with tears on his face. He didn't bother to wipe them away, not even as he passed by a few people in the hallway. They didn't seem to notice him, however, so he continued on back towards the barracks.

He entered the elevator and held onto the handrail for support as it began its trek to the barrack floor. He frowned to himself as he remembered the first time he was discharged from the infirmary, and Zack was there to hold onto him during the elevator ride. But now he was alone in the cart, almost feeling alone altogether.

Mejia's voice had been on a constant echo inside his head since he woke up back in Midgar. He strained his memory, unable to first recall what had happened to have him wind up in a bed surrounded by infirmary staff, but after a few minutes he regretted having tried to remember. At first, it was just a flow of the words and sounds the man made that would come back to him, but as the days went on, actual pieces of visual memory struck him to accompany that never-ending loop of noises inside his head.

He remembered the weapon and the fear it brought, and he remembered thinking of Elici and of Zack. He remembered his vision being blocked by the man's body as he was on his knees, and he remembered the taste of him. It made him gag again.

But as to how he was saved, and by whom, was still undiscovered in his mind. He thought he could remember other voices, and an intense heat around him, but that was it. He didn't even remember getting shot, and by now it was just an itchy and painful mystery to him sitting on his shoulder.

The elevator opened, and he was surprised with himself that he didn't vomit. He didn't think his throat could handle the acid from his stomach, as it was still hoarse and sore from...

He didn't want to think about it anymore.

He stopped at the double doors to the barracks, his hand just lightly resting on the handle. He wondered how many people knew about what had happened, and what type of ridicule he would have to face again this time around. He then wondered if Zack knew already, and he bit his bottom lip; he feared that Zack would react outrageously at the news.

Granted, the last time it happened, Zack was respectful and level about it with him, or so he saw. Then again, he wasn't there when Zack had found out about the news initially, so he really didn't know how he had received it at first. But given the night he went to Zack's after Elici's death, the apartment had been turned upside down in some fit of emotion over something, so perhaps Zack was capable of an extraordinary reaction.

And then again, the first time they weren't _together_.

He sucked in a deep breath and opened the doors, finding the barrack relatively empty. Their liberty had started, so most of the men were out, and only a few stragglers were behind and just lounging around. It didn't matter to Cloud, however, as he was placed on light-duty again. And as far as he knew, he had no work assigned for him yet.

His eyes fell upon his bunk where Ratcliff sat with another one of their barrack mates nicknamed Pawn playing with a deck of cards. Ratcliff was leaning over and explaining something to Pawn about the hand of cards he held, but the boy didn't seem as if he understood the game. Perhaps he was too young, as he was only one year older than Cloud, and even he didn't understand some of the card games the men played.

Across from them sat Zack. Cloud froze. He wasn't expecting him to be there, and he had been wondering why the man didn't visit him in the hospital at all. He assumed that Zack was either busy, or just didn't know, or both. And now that he sat waiting for him, he knew that perhaps he just didn't know about what happened. It was going to stay that way, if that was the case.

Ratcliff had glanced up and his eyes lingered a bit too long on Cloud, and Zack caught this and turned himself.

"Hey!" Zack stood, dropping the cards from his hand which caused Pawn and Ratcliff to grumble and toss down their own cards in defeat once they saw what he had held.

"Maybe we should go back to playing chess, yeah?" Ratcliff said dejectedly as he collected the cards, and Pawn just nodded.

Cloud just stayed where he was. He watched Zack walk towards him, his heartbeat becoming frantic as the man neared and he couldn't tell if it was from excitement or fear. He somehow managed a rather unimpressive smile at him as he approached.

"Good to see you, Cloud!" Zack smiled down at him and resisted the urge to lean down and give him a kiss. He reached up and ruffled his hair, however. People seemed to be used to him doing that to Cloud, so it was overlooked.

Cloud opened his mouth to speak, but nothing but a squeak came out. He didn't know what to say to him, or how he was supposed to act. But when Zack began to talk again, he relaxed and began to rethink his behavior and words.

"Have fun on the mission?"

All the behavior and words that he started to assemble in his head became void. Another mindless sound.

Zack had a rather smug look on his face as he leaned forward and muttered, "You missed me that much that you can't talk?" His eyes flickered down to Cloud's cheeks.

Cloud blushed, and was for once thankful that his body reacted that way, as he felt that it helped show that he was reacting how he normally would to something like that, or at least, so he hoped. He just nodded his head sheepishly and managed another strange smile.

"We were playing poker, want to join? We're teaching Pawn here how to play, although I don't think they're doing very well against me."

"U-um...I'm...kinda hungry, actually. Do you think that we can get something to eat?" Cloud blinked at his own words, as they came out without him thinking, and came out raspy and foreign-sounding.

Zack pursed his lips momentarily at Cloud's words, but quickly smiled at him again. "Sure," he said, somewhat carefully, "we can get something to eat." He refrained from turning around and glancing back to Ratcliff with a glare, but instead turned around and smiled warmly. "Want to come, guys?" As much as he wanted to be alone with Cloud at the moment, he wanted to see more interaction from both Ratcliff and Cloud in hopes that one might slip up and give him some sort of insight as to what was going on. "My treat."

After a moment of silence, Ratcliff tried to hide a rather guilty look on his face with a very superficial smile. "No, you two go have a good time, yeah?"

"I insist," Zack said simply.

Ratcliff just glanced back to Cloud, who was looking nowhere near him. "Sure," he said eventually. "Count me in, yeah."

* * *

They hadn't gone far down the road before hunger got the better of them, and they ducked into the first restaurant they saw – a ramen shop.

Zack had tried to convince that boy Pawn to join them out of courtesy, but he had just shook his head and mumbled something about needing to be somewhere, so they left without him.

So now they sat, Zack in the middle, and he and Ratcliff had been laughing together about a few hands that had been played in their poker game, to where Ratcliff had surprisingly held quite a decent poker face, despite being someone who could never stop smiling. It was decent enough for Zack to fall for his bluff and fold his hand for a loss. Now, had they been playing for actual gil, he would have probably come out on top after everything was said and done, but since they were playing with nothing but pride and fun, he didn't mind losing several games to the man.

And it was quite a poker face indeed. Zack almost commended Ratcliff for being able to hold out this long without telling him _what the hell_ had happened in Kalm to make everyone seem so damn quiet and secretive. Even after Zack had ordered the man several beers, and they even had shared a small bottle of sake together, he still somehow managed to keep his mouth shut about it.

Perhaps he had been looking too much into it all. After all, Ratcliff was unable to hold in the fact that Graves had deserted; he caved after a few short minutes at the time. He seemed honest to a fault, so maybe Zack was just being paranoid.

Zack glanced over to Cloud who was just staring ahead to the chefs bustling about behind the counter they sat before. He seemed upset or disturbed over something, with eyes that looked lost in thought and with hands that were balled tightly around the package of chopsticks in front of him. Zack had then wondered if he found out about Graves being gone, and maybe that was the strange vibe he was picking up on from the two. Maybe Cloud was just angry at Ratcliff for withholding something like that for so long.

"Cloud?" Zack watched as his mouth was moving slightly and it looked as if he was mouthing words, but no sound came out, nor did his lips move enough for Zack to try and read what he was possibly saying. He reached over and touched Cloud's shoulder, and the boy flinched slightly beneath his hand. Zack would have sat and stared for a good, long while at him, if Cloud didn't turn his head and smile.

"Sorry," he said, then cleared his throat when his voice came out a bit raspy again, "I was just thinking."

Zack's eyes narrowed at him, almost in an angry look, and he ignored the word he hated hearing him say for the time being. "Yeah, I can see that. You okay?" He pulled his hand away reluctantly, watching as Cloud still held that awkward smile on his face.

"Yeah, fine." He cleared his throat again, and had a look of discomfort when he swallowed. "What were we talking about?"

"About how Zack folded with a pair of tens when I only had a pair of deuces, yeah!"

Zack whipped back around to Ratcliff, and they began to banter briefly about the card game, and Cloud just went back to staring blankly ahead of him until their order arrived.

They slipped their wooden chopsticks from the paper sleeve and began to eat the steaming bowls of ramen heartily and hungrily. A few more beers were ordered, and a conversation was struck up with one of the chefs behind the counter about their job in Shin-Ra, and a few laughs were shared between them. Even a second bowl of ramen was ordered for Zack when one wasn't enough, and another beer was ordered for Ratcliff when four wasn't enough.

After concentrating on his food for sometime, and concentrating on making sure Ratcliff didn't slip off of the stool from drunkenness beside him, Zack glanced over to Cloud who had been more than quiet as they ate.

"Uh...Cloud?" Zack reached out and touched his shoulder again, and he just slowly looked to him with eyebrows raised, as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Zack?"

Zack motioned down to his hands which were holding the chopsticks. "You...do know how to use them, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

Their eyes locked on each other for a brief moment before Zack forced a nonchalant laugh and reached over to take the chopsticks from his hands. "Sure could've fooled me, Cloud." He snapped them apart and handed them back. He frowned briefly when he realized they were wet, as if Cloud had been using them like that.

"Oh. I guess...I wasn't paying attention," Cloud mumbled and looked down at the separated chopsticks. "That was stupid of me."

"You've barely even touched your food, is everything all right?"

"Yeah, just...not hungry."

"But you were hungry before we left. Are you sure everything is fine, Cloud?"

Cloud suddenly slammed the chopsticks down and shot Zack a very intense glare. "Yes! I thought I told you this already!"

An uncomfortable silence settled over the three, and Zack just stared at Cloud with not a look of hurt, but a look of earnest worry. He had seen Cloud become angry before over the months that they knew each other, but it was never directed at him. He heard that Cloud had a temper when he was younger, but not once had he seen him snap so easily, especially when Zack was showing him concern.

But Cloud looked down at his food then after the angry look on his face melted into one of embarrassed shame, and he mumbled an apology to Zack with a sorrowful tone. He placed the chopsticks in his hand correctly, but didn't resume eating.

Zack stammered in shock at first, but quickly righted his words. "No, Cloud, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked so many times." Zack went to touch Cloud's knee beneath the counter, but he felt a warm hand on his own before he could. He smiled.

"I'm just...a little tired."

"Well, why didn't you just say so? We didn't have to go out," he said quietly, finally reaching over and stroking his knee with his hand. "We could've just gotten something at the chow hall, or back at my place."

"No, this is good, thank you," Cloud said, looking at him bashfully.

"You wouldn't want me to cook for you? I make a mean peanut butter sandwich, I'll have you know."

Cloud smiled, albeit it was a small one. Granted, it looked like any other small smile he would give Zack, but there was something different about it, and he couldn't quite place what it was.

Zack glanced around quickly before he leaned over close to Cloud's ear and whispered, "I can make dessert, too."

That small smile faded then into a look of what could have been fear, but it was quickly hidden beneath his hair as he ducked down to his bowl to slurp up a rather large mouthful of ramen.

Cloud _was_ quite scared, and had he not buried his head in the food he really didn't feel like eating anymore, Zack would have noticed. The fact that Ratcliff began to slide off his barstool and fell against Zack was another big help in distracting, and Cloud almost felt relieved.

He would have liked to have thought that he was slowly piecing things back together in his head, and that whatever Mejia had said to him wasn't true, but the seed of doubt had been planted and he didn't know how to uproot it. As much as he tried to push Mejia's words out of his head, they always seemed to come back to him in full force.

Of course Cloud thought about sex. He thought about it even before he met Zack. There wasn't a way to not think about it when most of the guys around him were constantly talking about it and saying how wonderful it was whether it was with a man or a woman. Granted, prior to meeting Zack, most of his thoughts were about women, but once he met the SOLDIER, that slowly started to change. It was something he wanted to try with Zack, even if the thought of it petrified him in a strangely exciting way.

But was Zack really that type of person to get bored with someone? He was restless and impatient at times, but they were all endearing qualities that Cloud actually admired. Zack said that he would wait for him, but he felt that it was only because of the first incident with Mejia. If none of that would have happened, would Zack still be patient for him?

He didn't regret going forward with Zack, and he found that it was enjoyable like he had always pictured it to be. So perhaps having sex would be just as enjoyable. He only wondered how long Zack would wait for him as the days went on. If there was any chance that Mejia could be right, he didn't want to take it.

He didn't want to lose Zack.

Cloud asked with a quiet voice if they could head back to the building then. He finally finished his first bowl of ramen as Zack was already finishing his second. Zack looked more than happy to oblige, as Ratcliff was becoming quite..._helpless_ in his actions, so he paid the bill and collected the man from the seat that he suddenly seemed to forget how to use, and they left.

* * *

They entered the barracks just as some of the men were returning for the end of their liberty. The dejected vibe that fell upon the men who began to shower and ready for lights-out was unmistakable. At times the men were merely scheduled for courses and general training, which only lasted until five or six at night. It was almost like a normal job for them, but there were days and weeks that they would be forced out into the field, patrol or on missions where they didn't know when they'd be able to sleep, or even where they were to be able to lay their heads for the night. It was tough on them, so they savored each liberty they were given, as it could be their last for quite sometime.

Zack and Cloud helped Ratcliff to his bunk, and had to practically hold him up as he clambered up the ladder, where he just collapsed with a drunken laugh.

"He sure is a lightweight," Zack said, smoothing out his uniform as Ratcliff had clung to him during their walk back so he didn't fall.

Cloud stayed silent as he shifted on his feet beside him. Zack could see that he was glancing down at his bunk, which to Zack looked as if it hadn't been touched in days. Of course, Cloud was a bit neurotic when it came to cleanliness, so it was no surprise that it looked so pristine.

"I guess I should be going," Zack said, smiling at Cloud gently. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

Cloud shifted again, and he pursed his lips together, as if he was preparing to say something.

Zack glanced around to the men who were scattered about, conversing with one another about what they did on their liberty. He leaned down and lowered his voice when no one seemed to be paying them any mind. "Do you know when your next liberty is scheduled? We can go out again."

"Tomorrow," he murmured, still refraining from eye contact. Perhaps he still felt ashamed for his outburst back at the restaurant, or at least Zack hoped it was only that.

"You guys get another one? Two in a row?" Zack's eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. That was a bit unheard of. Sometimes they were granted two days of liberty, but it was seldom.

He nodded, his hair swaying in front of his face. Zack watched as Cloud's eyes were still down at his bunk, almost as if he were trying to see through it to the floor below.

"Well, that's great. Then I can see you tom-"

Cloud suddenly turned and walked past him, heading towards the double doors. Zack called out to him, but when he didn't answer, he followed.

"Where are you going, Cloud? What's going on?" Zack said, watching as Cloud's pace was a bit fast, even for him. He himself had a quick stride, but this was a bit unexpected from the boy. Cloud didn't respond, but continued his quick pace, and Zack found himself just following quietly.

Zack felt ready to take him by the shoulders and not let him go until he told him what was bothering him so much. If nothing had happened during their mission, according to Ratcliff, had Zack done something to make him upset? He felt so conflicted, he didn't know what to think or believe.

He tried to piece together what little information he had about everything. It was hard to tell if Cloud had been in the barracks the entire time since Zack had been back, since he was stuck in the debacle with the infirmary and the insipid missions for five days. Each time he tried to go and see Cloud, he seemed to be conveniently whisked away, so he couldn't determine if Cloud returned from the mission safely, and returned to his daily routine immediately. But when Cloud had first entered the barrack earlier that day, he almost looked detached from his surroundings, as if he hadn't been there for a while and was taking everything in.

And when Zack had leaned down to mutter to him in the barrack before they left for dinner, he noticed what looked like a faint, yellowing bruise on his cheek right before the boy blushed. He wasn't sure if it was just the poor lighting, so he checked again in the ramen shop. It looked as if it had been a decent-sized wound at first that was healed by magic. It would not have been this healed by now had Cloud not received attention to it right away, and the only person that would have had materia on their person during the mission would have been Kunsel. And if Kunsel and Ratcliff weren't going to tell him what happened, he only wondered if Cloud ever would.

He hadn't realized that they had been walking for quite some time and when he finally came back from his inner thoughts, he realized they were standing outside his quarters. He looked down to Cloud who had such a bland look on his face that Zack wondered if he was musing about something as well. But when the blond finally spoke, his voice coming out raspy, he sounded as if he knew exactly what he was doing, despite his odd behavior through the night.

"Aren't we going to go inside?"

Zack nodded mindlessly a few times, trying to gather his thoughts as he fumbled for his key.

Cloud watched him from the corner of his eye, taking in a smile that Zack gave him as he found his key and unlocked the door. Cloud's eyes trailed the key as it was inserted into the lock and turned.

_Would he really lose interest in me if I don't put out?_

Zack opened the door and turned on the light, then stepped aside for Cloud to enter. Cloud stared into the apartment for a moment before their eyes locked, and Zack just gave him an upbeat smile.

"You wanted to come inside, right?" Zack reached up and brushed his fingertips beneath Cloud's chin briefly.

_I don't want to lose him. _

"Y-yeah, I do." Cloud found himself smiling, but it felt empty.

_I have to do this...to keep him._

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Three: In the Dark.

Ending Author's Note: Hi hi everyone! Thank you for waiting patiently (well, most of you patiently...*cough*) for this update! A lot of strange things going on in this chapter, I realized. Lots of lying, secrecy, musing, spiraling and roller coaster emotions. And ramen. = w = Not to mention Cloud's final thoughts of the chapter. Hm...wonder what's gonna happen...

And ZOMG the response I got not only for the last chapter, but for the silly side project I made was phenomenal! Thank you everyone for your kind words and your enjoyment of those pictures. I really loved taking them, and have some more plans for other scenes in my head, but it's gonna take all my cunning and ingenuity – and money – to pull it off, but I think it can be done. I actually "recreated" the scene from Crisis Core where Zack and Cloud meet in Modeoheim, and will upload those pictures to that account tomorrow. It's not an actual recreation like my Zolom ones, but just cute pictures of them in the snow. XD So if you're bored and interested, those will be up sometime tomorrow or maybe the next day.

Special thanks to RinaLuffsPokemonBoys for the use of her OC Pawn. XD He actually does not belong to me and was just a very small cameo in this chapter for grins and giggles. He's used for an on-going roleplay _loosely_ based off of Malady (set pre-Malady that involves my OCs and a few of hers. That's right...Elici is alive in it!) that we have on a forum. Our Ratcliff finds love...[insert "aw"s here] in a very strange way. Anyway, not sure if anyone would be interested in reading that, but if you are...

http : // s1 . Zeta boards . Com / CastlingAndPromotion /topic / 2667246 / 1 /

Copy and paste, then delete the spaces. It's my first paragraph roleplay, so I probably suck, but whatever. Lol Just know that it's basically all OCs, and Zack and Cloud will probably only be mentioned by name/in passing, but the setting is still the FFVII/Crisis Core world.

Whoa...my author's notes keep getting longer and longer. Anyway, thank you for reading and enjoying, as usual! And the next chapter will be out next Tuesday, January 26th! Until then my friends...

-Ziggy

P.S. And to a certain somebody who knows who they are...if you're reading this story, just admit to it already, you jerk! Stop messing with my head! *runs off sobbing*


	23. Chapter TwentyThree: In the Dark

Chapter Twenty-Three: In the Dark

* * *

An earthy aroma filled the apartment, and it almost seemed to relax him. It brought upon him a comforting feeling; it was warm, it was inviting.

His eyes watched the steam dance up into the air from the mug between his hands, and intrigued him with the way that it followed no designated path and could change with the slightest disturbance of the air around it. It twirled about as Zack bustled back and forth behind the bar counter, putting away the instant coffee and milk. He quickly cleaned up a spill on the counter before he forgot about it, and before Cloud could get his hands on it to clean it himself. Zack wasn't about to give Cloud a reason to take his attention away from the question he asked him.

"What's going on?"

Cloud had stayed quiet for a long while, just staring down at his coffee. He liked it with milk and a tiny bit of sugar, just to take the edge off of the bitterness that some coffees had. Zack was actually surprised by this, as he himself enjoyed it black, and he chuckled at the sudden role reversal. He had handed Cloud the coffee black, assuming that that was how he took it, and Cloud had looked up at him with a sheepish look and quietly asked if he had any sugar. Zack would have laughed at that for several reasons, had he not been able to see the bruise on his face much clearer now in the lighting in his kitchen, and a serious mood fell on him. He couldn't stop staring at it, and it drew away any sort of excitement he had for finally being able to spend time with Cloud.

"This coffee...is really good," was all Cloud had mumbled in response, after that long silence was broken.

"I couldn't wait to get back to see you." Zack tossed the sponge into the sink and turned, resting his hands on the counter and watching as Cloud slowly sipped the drink, his light blue eyes never leaving the rim of his mug.

"It has a nice flavor."

"I couldn't stop thinking about you."

"I always thought that instant coffee wouldn't be very good compared to the type you have to brew-"

"I really missed you, Cloud," Zack said softly, earnestly. He watched for any sign of blushing or embarrassment from the boy, but there was none.

"-but this is really good."

"Cloud."

"You know...I've always wanted to try coffee with a little bit of chocolate, just to see why it's so popular-"

"How'd you get that bruise on your face?"

"-but I wouldn't want to waste it if I didn't like it-"

"Cloud, enough."

Once again silence fell upon them, and the blond just sat there, never pulling the mug away from his face, as if to hide behind it, and he no longer sipped it.

"Please, Cloud," he said, his voice gentle, but pleading. "How did you get the bruise on your face?"

Cloud stammered for a moment, and slowly the mug was lowered to the counter. He suddenly let out a breathless laugh, shaking his head. "You're...going to laugh at me."

"Am I?"

"P-promise you won't...laugh?" He had to think of something quick. He didn't want Zack to know about it – he couldn't let him know about it. It would just give him more reasons to worry about him. He forced his eyes to crawl up to Zack's, and he forced his eyebrows to arch in a sheepish expression that was like second nature to him.

Zack studied his features for a good moment before speaking slowly. "I guarantee I won't laugh."

"I uh...on the ride over to the town, I got a little sick and when I went to bend down to t-the side to throw up, I didn't see a crate that was sitting beside me. I hit my cheek pretty hard on the corner of it."

That...was quite plausible.

Cloud locked his eyes onto Zack in an attempt to drive the validity of his lie home, and forced them not to flicker away. Perhaps there was a chance that Zack already knew about it, and that he was just seeing if he would come clean and talk about it by asking these questions, but Zack didn't seem like that type of person to play those types of games, and especially to someone who already was suffering enough mental anguish as it was. Or so, at least Cloud hoped.

But Zack suddenly smiled and shook his head at him. "That had to have hurt."

"H-hey, you said you wouldn't laugh." That was a good line, it made it seem all the more real.

"I didn't laugh – I smiled. You said nothing about smiling."  
What was the word he would use to insult Zack at a time like this again...?

"Ass."

There, it was more natural now, and once he received another smile from Zack, he relaxed more than the smell of the coffee had done for him. But the word suddenly reminded him of why he was there.

Cloud set his mug down and stood, walking around the counter to where Zack stood watching him. He walked straight into his arms and buried his face into his chest.

Zack let out a heavy sigh when they connected, and he wrapped his arms around the boy and squeezed him gently.

"I missed you too, Zack," Cloud said, his voice muffled against the man's warm chest. "I'm really happy to see you." It felt good to finally speak the truth for the first time that night. He didn't want to lie to Zack, but he felt as if he couldn't handle Zack knowing the truth, at least not yet. He wanted to deal with this on his own for now, and not have to think that Zack was babying him, or treating him any different because of the situation. He wanted things to be normal between them, and for things to flow naturally, like nothing was wrong.

"And you don't know how happy I am to hear you say that. I was worried for a while."

"Why?" Cloud peeled his face away from the warm body and looked up at him with a nervous look.

"Well, you were acting a little distant, so I thought that something was wrong. I thought that maybe I did something to upset you."

"No!" Cloud cleared his throat, pursing his lips together as he realized how loud he actually said that, and how bad it cracked with his hoarse voice. He forced a shaky smile and his voice lowered. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just a little tired today."

"I can see that. I was a bit surprised back in the ramen shop."

"I know, I'm sorry, Zack."

Zack just frowned down at him, but with a sympathetic look. "You gotta stop saying that word. That's three times now that you've said it today. You know what that means, don't you?"

"T-three kisses, right?"

"Wrong. That's four. You still owe me from the movies a week ago." Zack reached up, brushing his thumb across Cloud's uninjured cheek. "I'd like to redeem one now."

"J-just one?" Finally, there was that blush that Zack had been hoping to see since they began their conversation.

"Maybe two," he murmured, leaning down and placing a very delicate kiss on Cloud's lips.

Cloud tensed momentarily. _It's just a kiss. It's not so bad. I can do this. _He relaxed, rising up a bit on his feet to join in as his hands slipped between them and rested against Zack's chest.

"There's one," Zack whispered, pulling back a little to watch as Cloud's eyes opened and looked up at him. "I forgot to mention that I get to choose where I kiss you, by the way."

"That's not fair. You can't just make up rules as you go along," Cloud said with a face that was nothing less than perturbed.

"It's my game, my rules."

"W-well fine. Just...k-kiss me already."

Zack hummed a pleased noise, and couldn't help but smile as Cloud already had his head tilted up and lips parted slightly in anticipation. "Not on your lips."

Cloud suddenly looked a bit horrified. "T-then where?" He was afraid to ask, and he was afraid of the answer, even though he was trying to prepare himself.

When Zack began to lean down again, Cloud squeezed his eyes shut embarrassingly, unsure of where Zack was going to kiss him. But Zack simply just placed his hand beneath Cloud's chin and kissed the bruise on his cheek tenderly. "Please, be more careful next time," he whispered.

"Yeah." Cloud's hands curled, gripping Zack's uniform in his fists. "I will."

Zack lowered his head down into Cloud's hair and breathed in. There was something off about the way his hair smelled. It wasn't how it normally smelled, but it wasn't bad. In fact, it was clean and somehow familiar – he just couldn't place it.

Cloud lifted his head as Zack began to pull away, and he caught his lips in his.

Zack was startled at first, but quickly melded with the kiss. He couldn't help but smile through it as Cloud's hands hesitantly wrapped around him, pulling himself closer to his body with a soft noise. Zack enjoyed the extremely rare moments when Cloud would be forward, and not necessarily in intimate moments only. When they would train or spar together, it thrilled him seeing the usually introverted boy taking a step towards being more aggressive and confident. With interacting with his friends or fellow barrack mates, Zack was amused seeing him banter with a comfort that he found in himself that allowed him to laugh and withstand their teasing, and even tease back.

And now, Cloud was gradually incorporating tiny hints of his tongue in their kiss, flicking it across Zack's lips, which parted to see if the boy would venture any further. When it remained where it was, Zack nipped gently at Cloud's bottom lip, and he received a small moan as a response, and a little more tongue.

They kissed for quite some time, the speed increasing with the intensity and the exploration of their hands. Kissing became feverish and breaths became shorter as they began to migrate out of the kitchen, unaware of where they were really headed. As they moved together, never parting, they didn't even notice when Cloud's elbow bumped up against the coffee cup and the contents spilled out onto the counter. It fell with a shrill noise, but was drowned out by their muffled moans and pants.

Cloud seemed to be leading, walking backwards toward the bedroom as Zack followed with half-lidded eyes. He steered the boy into the dark room before he bumped into the doorframe, and his hand slapped out against the wall to find the light switch blindly. But Cloud's hand went out to stop him and he uttered a noise of disapproval into his mouth. Zack pulled away, breathless, intrigued.

"You want the lights off?" He couldn't stop himself from grinning as he could still see Cloud's face turning red in the moonlight shining through the window.

Cloud just nodded quietly, his eyes darting away from Zack's smoldering gaze as he was being gently urged towards the bed. He found his knees buckling once he connected with the edge of the mattress, and he sat quickly before he lost his balance any further through the immense trembling in his legs.

Zack chuckled and sat next to him. "Careful," he murmured, pulling Cloud against him again. "Wouldn't want you to fall and hurt your other cheek." He leaned down and they began to kiss once more, slower now, but sensual and deep.

Cloud's heart began to beat heavy in his chest, and he was disappointed that it wasn't from the emotions they were sharing. He was scared and he was confused. Zack was obviously enjoying this and wanting more, as he found himself being pushed onto his back and covered by half of the man's body. He could feel Zack's hard erection pressing up against his thigh as they kissed, and he thought he could hear him groaning softly between his thoughts. There was no turning back on anything that had happened between them before this, and they couldn't stand still, either. They had to move forward, and the sooner that they did, he'd be able to ensure that he wouldn't lose Zack like how he now feared.

He wanted to do whatever he had to do to keep one of the few people that actually cared about him.

Shaking hands reached up and began to fumble for Zack's clothing. Fingertips trembled along the belts on his waist and began to tug halfheartedly on them. Zack responded with an interested purr, and responded with his own tugging of Cloud's clothes, which was done with more purpose than Cloud's attempt.

"You okay?" Zack suddenly stopped and was staring down at him in the dark.

"F-fine, why?" Cloud could see Zack's eyes narrowing at him.

"I thought I heard you mutter something."

"No," Cloud said, shaking his head and trying to steady his voice that wavered as he spoke.

"That's what I thought I heard you say."

"No, I mean that I didn't mutter anything."

Zack just looked at him for several seconds before he just nodded and went back to kissing him. He started at Cloud's mouth, and they shared several deep kisses, but then began to move down to his neck where he passed his tongue along his skin. Cloud writhed beneath him, his head turning to the side, picking up where he left off in the removal of Zack's belts. They came loose, and he hesitantly began to slide them from the loops on his trousers. They slipped off of the bed and landed with a soft thump against the carpet, and the noise caused Zack to let out a low groan.

Zack's breath was hot against his neck, and Zack's hands felt restricting as one was embedded into his hair, and the other slid up his shirt, seeking out his body. It passed over his heaving stomach, lightly trailing along until he found his chest. Zack's fingers stopped at a nipple where he circled his thumb over it with the speed of the nipping and suckling on his neck.

Zack lifted his hips away from Cloud as he could feel his hands trying to unbutton his trousers. "Here," he whispered, pulling his hand away from his hair to undo the button for Cloud when he couldn't steady his hands enough to grab hold. "The light might be a good idea, Cloud."

Cloud stayed quiet, concentrating on finding the zipper. He narrowed his eyes, glancing between the zipper to Zack who hovered above him and was watching him with interest. Everything seemed to be blurry.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes." He found the zipper finally and tugged it down. His hand passed over Zack's hard arousal and he received a very unrestrained groan from the touch.

The pants were soon discarded down on the ground next to the belts, and Zack's shirt soon followed. He reached down, his hands passing along Cloud's jawline to his shoulders, and down his chest.

"Sit up," Zack murmured, and Cloud obeyed slowly, just staring ahead into Zack's body. He reached down and slipped Cloud's shirt off of him and tossed it to the floor. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pulled him in as he dipped his head down and began to nip at his neck.

Cloud made a pained whimper and seemed to shrug his shoulders in discomfort. Zack realized he had grabbed him a bit too tight and mumbled an apology before continuing to pinch his flesh between his teeth on his neck. He received what sounded like a more pleasured whimper, so he continued down to his collarbone where he placed several suckling kisses on it.

Zack pulled away, groaning as he reached down to himself and rubbed the bulge beneath his boxers. "I want to take this slow, but not seeing you for a week was killing me."

_'Take this slow'? So he is expecting it._

"W-what do you...want me to do?" Cloud said, finding that his bottom lip was trembling. He stilled it between his teeth, and his eyes slowly crawled up to watch as Zack was circling his thumb over the tip of his erection through the fabric.

"Well," Zack said, reaching out and brushing his hand along Cloud's chin, "whatever you feel comfortable doing of course. I'm not a picky man, but I'm not gonna lie. This would be nice." He let out a soft groan as his thumb found Cloud's lips, and could feel the boy's hot breath being released from his nose across his hand. "You think that would be okay, Cloud?" He leaned down, slipping his thumb away to replace it with his lips; he kissed him gently.

Cloud muttered something that Zack couldn't quite understand as he kissed him, and he pulled away chuckling. "What?" He brushed Cloud's hair away from his face, and he saw something catching the moonlight as it fell from his eyes. "Cloud...?"

"Don't..."

It was that familiar tone. It was meek, and it was distant, filled with unimaginable memories and nightmares. It made Zack's breath hitch in his chest, and all he could do was stare at Cloud in disbelief for a long while, his eyes never blinking.

He finally released the breath he held when he saw more tears streaming down the boy's face, and it came out in a small choke. "Cloud?" was all he was able to muster forth through the swarming confusion and denial. He didn't want to believe this was happening again. This couldn't have been happening again. Things had been fine, things were progressing slowly, but nicely. Cloud was smiling more, he was showing more confidence in their relationship. But now, he was shrunk into himself, and Zack could now pick up on the tremble from him through the mattress. "Please, Cloud, look at me." He reached down with his hand, gently grasping Cloud's chin.

Cloud suddenly cried out, his voice cracking through an onslaught of hysteric breaths. He smacked Zack's hand away and hurled himself forward, shoving the stunned man away from him. He ran out into the living room and found the door, his hands blindly searching it for the knob. He was whimpering, unable to wrap his shaking hand around the knob once he finally found it and he began to pound on the door, muttering incoherently.

Zack called out to him several times as he approached him cautiously, but hurriedly. "Cloud, please, calm down!" He finally reached him and Cloud whipped around, pressing himself up against the door, his eyes wide with fear. "It's just me, Zack," he said quietly, slowly reaching out with both hands. "Just me..."

Cloud huddled into himself, bringing his hands up in fists to his bare chest. Zack could see a white bandage on the top of his left shoulder that he hadn't noticed in the dark room, and his eyes narrowed at it. One more thing to pique his suspicions about everything.

"It's okay, please, it's okay..." His hands slowly reached out, cupping each of Cloud's elbows in his palms. He rubbed him gently, slowly moving upward on his arms, and he watched as Cloud began to relax.

"Zack?" His eyes fluttered as they looked lazily about. He seemed confused, almost as if he just woke up from a deep sleep.

"Are you...okay now?" Zack took a step forward, sliding his touch up to Cloud's shoulders.

He stammered for a few seconds as he shook his head. "I-I'm fine...I uh...don't know...what happened..."

"Come here, it's okay." Zack pulled him into his chest when he saw more tears brimming his eyes. He didn't know what to do or what to say. He just found himself repeating 'it's okay' as Cloud buried his face into his chest. He could feel hot liquid running down his skin as Cloud cried against him silently.

Cloud eventually pulled himself away after they stood together for a while, and he uttered an unbelievable and forceful laugh, as if to dismiss everything that had just happened. "I don't know what...I was thinking."

"It's okay," Zack said one more time, and realized that their conversation was going nowhere but circles. He didn't exactly know where to take it. "What happened? Did I scare you? Was it something I did?"

Cloud shook his head before resting his head against his chest. "No, it wasn't you. I just...I don't...know what happened."

"Hey, it's to be expected sometimes," Zack murmured, placing a kiss onto his head. "Maybe we're taking things a little too fast."

"No, please!" Cloud pulled himself away, fear once more in his eyes. "It's not fast! I want to!" He was suddenly squeezing Zack's upper arms in a grip that caused him to wince slightly. "I want to, Zack! Please, l-let's go back into the room, okay? We can do this, we can do whatever you want."

"What are you talking about, Cloud?"

"I'm ready for whatever you want. I don't mind, I'll do it. I want to share myself with you because I know that you care about me, and I know that I can make you happy-"

Zack hushed him, wriggling his arms away from the tight clutch of Cloud's fingers. "Slow down, Cloud. What do you mean by all of this?"

"W-we...we can have...sex...if you want."

Zack stared at him, peering into his eyes with an uncertainty that mimicked the look on Cloud's face. He was searching him for answers, searching for any sort of explanation for his hysterics, and for the sudden and unexpected offer of his body.

Zack, of course, had thought about it. But at this point it was at the back of his mind given the circumstances. Cloud was more than just someone to share his bed with for a night or two. Admittedly, his first few relationships were like that, but he had always given as much as he possibly could to whomever he was with. And with Cloud, he knew that there could be something meaningful there, and he didn't want to do anything to hinder the unique and thrilling feeling that was left in his heart when he thought about him.

He was ashamed of himself for giving into his urges so soon, and he felt that perhaps things were a bit rushed between them. No, he _knew_ that to be true, but he couldn't help but want to flood the boy with all of his attention and emotions. It was overwhelming for himself, and he felt as if he were to hold everything in, that it would erupt in a fury of sappy words and intimidating advances. He was never good at holding in anything when it came down to his emotions, and with Cloud he tried his hardest. He knew the boy scared easily, and especially after everything that he had gone through. He wanted to do whatever it took so he didn't lose him.

But sex... it actually scared him, probably more than he realized. He knew that with Cloud it wouldn't be just sex. There were different ways of having sex, of course, and there was a difference between 'making love' and 'creating love'. He had made love in the past, but it was more of a style than anything else. But with Cloud, he'd be creating love. He'd be nurturing it from the beginning of a tiny smile, to growing it from a passionate kiss after tender moments were exchanged, to watching it blossom into those three words that he heard in his head whenever he looked at Cloud.

'I love you'.

It was silly, he thought, as he had only known the boy for a matter of months, and in reality they had only been with one another for...two weeks. It had only been two weeks since their first kiss. Fourteen days, seven of which they were apart. What on Gaia was he thinking? What on Gaia was he possibly doing to this boy to make him so spun, so insistent on sex already? Had he been too pushy, too quick to claim him? After the incident with Mejia, he was afraid that Cloud would be taken away from him, that he would turn into someone else, that he would lose himself. He wanted to show Cloud that he wasn't alone, and that he himself would always be there beside him, to protect him, to show him that things weren't supposed to be that way.

Things had been fast, but he was trying to take it all in steps. Sex was...just not an option at this point. It would be a stupid thing to do, and now, as he stared into the blue eyes filled with turmoil, he could do nothing but hate himself for even taking any steps with Cloud to begin with. And although he knew that Cloud was still suffering from the attack, he couldn't ignore the thoughts that he had that suggested that there could have been something new hidden behind Cloud's erratic behavior.

"Please, Zack, let's...let's do it...okay?" Cloud took the opportunity of Zack's musing to lean into him and begin kissing his neck teasingly. "I'm okay, don't worry," his voice was wavering a bit as he spoke, which suggested all the opposite of what he was murmuring into his skin. "I want to do this."

The hot feeling of his breath against his neck broke him from his thoughts, and he reached up and gently pushed him away. "No, Cloud, just listen to me for a second."

"I want to, trust me." Cloud was trying to approach him again, but Zack held him away.

"Cloud! Just listen!"

Cloud fell silent, looking up at Zack with wet eyes and a parted mouth that was panting slightly.

"I-I don't think...that we're ready for that just yet." When Cloud's face began to look horrified, Zack wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pulled him close. "I want to share everything with you, don't get me wrong. And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to, but right now it's just...not a good idea. I don't think I need to explain why."

Cloud was feeling dizzy. He was confused and angry all at the same time. He no longer knew what to believe or think, as Mejia's words still went through his mind, and here Zack stood saying the opposite. Not five minutes before, Zack was above him, ready for whatever that could happen inside a bedroom, and had he not lost himself in hysterics, he only wondered if Zack would be saying those exact words now. Zack was babying him again, as he stood in front of him wearing nothing but boxers, all the reminder of why they had ventured into the room to begin with. He knew what he really wanted, and he wasn't going to let Zack go without giving it to him. He wasn't going to let Zack go.

"No, Zack, I think we are ready for it."

"Cloud, please, listen to what you're saying."  
Cloud fell silent for a while once more, looking as if he was tumbling his own words inside his head, but his facial expression didn't change any. He still looked dazed, and yet, he still looked adamant. "A-at least...let me..." Cloud trailed off, running his hand down Zack's side to his hip, hooking his thumb in the waistband of his underwear.

"Cloud, stop," Zack said, his voice cracking, and his will cracking as Cloud's hand slid across his stomach and dipped down to his groin. "I'm not allowing this to happen." He grabbed Cloud's wrist and tugged his hand away. "Let's just go back to the room, and you can rest, okay? You said you were tired earlier."

"The coffee woke me up."

"Don't be ridiculous. Now go. You can wear some of my sweatpants if you want."

Cloud ignored him, rising up on his feet to brush his lips against Zack's once he stopped talking. "Just kiss me. We can still do that, right?"

Zack's eyebrows met with a frustrated groan. He watched closely as Cloud continued to peck at his mouth and jawline with lips that began to slowly swell. Zack found himself unable to stop from meeting those advances with his own, and he caught Cloud's mouth in his. "Of course we can," he said between, "we always can."

"I didn't mean to ruin it before," Cloud murmured. "We don't have to have...s-sex, but can we at least do what we've been doing with each other...?"

"Only if you're comfortable, but I don't think now is a good time." Despite those words, he couldn't stop from continuing in the dance of their lips. They both fell silent, breathing in deep as they kissed and drew themselves closer to each other. Zack didn't realize how much he really wanted the boy until he could hear his own moans coming from his open mouth as their tongues began to meet and slowly swirl between them.

"Cloud...please, let's not..."

It was so soft and so irresistible that he couldn't help but let his mind go.

Zack tried to at least gain control of the kissing, if he no longer had any control of his mind, or the erection between his legs. It was made worse as Cloud began to move against him, driving his lap against Zack's hips, as if trying to persuade him, as if it wasn't obvious that he wasn't enticed enough as it was.

And he cursed himself as he leaned his head down and began to kiss Cloud's neck once more, sliding his hands up into the boy's hair, and back down to his face.

"Z-Zack..." Cloud said, breathing heavily as his chest brushed up against Zack's. He moaned, partially because it felt good, but more to fuel Zack into relaxing and going with what they both wanted to do. He let another moan escape him as Zack's hand began to paw at his face blindly, lustfully. He turned his head into his hand, kissing the palm that trailed along his skin. Fingers caressed parted lips erratically, the feeling of Cloud's rapid breaths flowing across them weaved in between each in a blanket of increasing passion.

Zack could feel the boy's moans rumble through his throat as he lightly sucked on his skin. He could feel him kissing his fingers, and thought he could feel his tongue flicking against them. There was a hot swarm around his finger, and he realized that Cloud took his index finger into his mouth.

Zack gasped and lifted his head, watching with wide eyes as Cloud began to suck on it. It was done a bit clumsily, but the endearing look he wore on his face as his head began to move with his sucking caused Zack to release a very loud growl from his throat.

"Oh shit," he said as he watched Cloud continue. He could see the boy's saliva coating his finger, and it glistened in the light. He couldn't help but imagine something else between his lips, and somewhere in the back of his mind he was scolding himself. "Don't do that," he warned him huskily, but this fell on deaf ears as the boy's mouth remained wrapped around his finger.

Cloud was staring at him during this with eyes that were searching for acceptance and allowance. He reached up and cupped Zack's hand in his, holding it there as he continued to suck, releasing several sweet-sounding whimpers with each bob of his head. He could feel his eyebrows relaxing on his face and raising with the pitch of his moaning.

"Cloud, please...d-don't." He watched, helpless, as Cloud lowered one of his hands and suddenly began to caress his erection. His breath sucked into his lungs, and the touch sent a shock through his abdomen up to his chest. His eyes fluttered closed, and he couldn't stop himself from pulling away. He allowed Cloud to rub him, slowly increasing the pressure against his member, and increasing the suction on his fingertip.

It was too painful, too teasing. He warned him one more time, but when he went ignored, Zack leaned down and bit Cloud in the crook of his neck. His finger was released as Cloud threw his head back once more, letting out a cry. This did nothing to deter him, but only aided Zack in his decision to push the boy back into the room.

They sat back down on the center of the mattress, their lips never breaking contact as Zack had urged Cloud deeper onto the bed. Zack caressed Cloud's waist as they kissed heavily, sliding his hands between them, and he unbuttoned Cloud's pants without any protest from the boy.

Cloud began to tug at Zack's boxers, and the SOLDIER got to his knees to allow him to tug them down, revealing his hardened arousal that was hesitantly grasped with Cloud's shaking hand.

Zack sucked in a hissing breath, removing the boxers completely before tossing them to the floor. "Cloud, we don't have to do this." He sat on his heels, watching as the boy was staring at him, almost with a distant look.

"Yes, we do," was what Cloud whispered before he scooted himself down on his side, and lowered his mouth onto Zack's member. He hesitated at first, but when he heard Zack's soft moaning upon contact, he began to slide his mouth onto it further. He resisted the urge to gag, trying to calm his breathing that he noticed started to quicken, and he forced himself to clear his mind. He stared at Zack's stomach, watching as it clenched with each dip of his head, and then relax as he pulled back. He concentrated on the man's slight bucking of his hips, and how his member seemed to tighten the faster he would move. His mind was so still of other thoughts, that he didn't even notice when Zack reached down and grasped him.

He froze at first. He hadn't realized that he wasn't fully aroused at all. Perhaps it was his nervousness, or perhaps it was from his brain attempting to shut down to perform the motions of normalcy. But when Zack began to slide his hand along his flesh, he managed to relax, and he continued to move along. He pulled his mouth off briefly to catch his breath and calm the thoughts in the back of his mind, and to calm the tightening reaction in his stomach as his body was threatening him with gagging. He heard Zack ask him if he was okay, and he just nodded and went back to nursing the tip with his tongue. He remembered that Zack seemed to enjoy when he would swirl it across the head, or when he would trail it along the underside towards the tip. All received sultry sounds from the man, but would bring back the memory of the incident in Kalm.

Concentrating on anything but his memory was hard, but when Zack began to whisper nothingnesses to him as he stroked him, it helped draw his mind away from that, and bring it to this moment with Zack. A moment he tried to think of during the attack to help block everything out, and now that he was back experiencing it, it made him appreciate it even more.

"C-can you move your hand just a little?" Zack said, his voice coming out considerate, and almost sheepish. He smiled down at Cloud, running his knuckle along his jawline.

Cloud obeyed, moving his hand in time with his sucking, and Zack matched his strokes with him. Their noises began to fill the room as Zack had his head tilted slightly back, pleasured grunts mixing with the occasional hiss or groan, and as Cloud moaned quietly around Zack's member in his mouth.

Zack's other hand was caressing his head so tenderly, that it blended with everything he sensed around him. The softness of the bed below him, the sight of Zack's body in front of him, the familiar smell of Zack's skin, the unique taste of his passion – it all drowned his mind in a comfort that he thought he would lose. He wanted to hold onto it for as long as he could, but everything he was experiencing at that moment overwhelmed him.

Zack watched as Cloud pulled away from him to cry out a little in pleasure. He rested his cheek against Zack's slick member, his eyes squeezed shut and his hand still clutched around him. Cloud stuttered out his name numerous times as he began to writhe beneath his touch, tossing his head side to side, rubbing his face against Zack's member.

"Zack, I'm..." He cut himself off as a moan escaped his mouth, and the fingers on his other hand curled into Zack's thigh.

"Come on," Zack murmured, his voice thick with lust and anticipation. "Please, come for me." His hand continued to pump him, giving it a slight twist as he would reach the tip. He could feel a familiar throb coursing in his palm, and he watched in pleasure as Cloud suddenly stiffened, pressing his face into Zack's erection as he reached his end.

Zack growled as Cloud eventually released onto himself and his hand. The soft, restrained cries coming from the boy were different from his usual loud sounds, but it was enough to bring Zack's climax forth rather quickly. He soon found himself doubled over him, one hand gripping his shoulder, the other clinging tightly in his hair as he could feel Cloud catch most of his emissions into his mouth. Cloud whimpered quietly, swallowing as best as he could, but he couldn't help but gag immediately afterwards. Zack finally peeled his fingers away from the boy, realizing he might have clutched onto him too hard.

Cloud sat up with his hand covering his mouth, the last of his convulsing dissipating into labored breaths.

"You okay, my angel?" Zack whispered, scooting towards him.

Tears were rolling down Cloud's cheeks then, but Zack couldn't tell if it was from the gagging, or something else. But when he suddenly let out a shaking breath and covered his face, Zack reached out and pulled him into his chest. "Please, tell me what's the matter. I can't help unless you talk to me."

Cloud mumbled something into his chest, but his speech was slurred through the combination of panting and sobs. He finally calmed himself after several moments of Zack hushing him gently, and after a few kisses to his head.

"I'm just...happy to hear you call me that," he finally said, knowing that it was a partial lie. He couldn't think of anything else to say that would come close to sounding like a believable excuse for his crying, other than the truth. Then again, crying over something like that without a reason was, in it of itself, not believable.

Zack pulled away, frowning down at him. "Why wouldn't I call you that? I like calling you that." He brushed his thumb across his cheekbone, wiping away the tears. "It's nothing to cry over..."

Cloud just shook his head, smiling rather awkwardly. His eyes fluttered closed as Zack leaned in and kissed him on his lips modestly, and as Zack began to pull away, Cloud deepened it, as if trying to make it last as long as he could, but it was clumsy, and hesitant.

They finally parted, and Zack slipped off of the bed to find something to clean themselves with. While he disappeared, Cloud wiped angrily at his face. He wasn't sure why he cried, as he assumed it was just a mixture of different reasons. He was ashamed of himself for his behavior that he seemed to have a hard time keeping control of. He was trying to stay normal, to make it seem like nothing was wrong, but was finding that he was unable to even have any say in his actions or reactions.

Zack came back with a warm washcloth and began to wipe Cloud's abdomen with it. Cloud shuddered at the feeling, and even Zack had a bit of a sour look to his face. In the heat of the moment, they didn't seem to mind the substance, but afterwards when the emotions calmed and the brain became more aware of everything, it wasn't so enjoyable anymore.

"I-I think I got a little on your shoulder," Zack said, a bit clumsily. He began to dab at Cloud's shoulder gently, his eyes once more narrowing at the bandage across it. "Hey...Cloud?"  
Cloud just hummed a bland reply, staring into his chest as he cleaned him.

"How did you get hurt?" He motioned down to the bandage.

After a few seconds of hesitation, Cloud finally spoke slowly, carefully. "It's just a sore...from my pack. They sent us on a hump the other day, and upped the weight to almost two hundred pounds."

"Oh, they never cut you guys a break, do they?" Zack said as he finished cleaning him, and Cloud just nodded in response.

Zack left the room to throw the cloth in the hamper, and when he came back to his room, Cloud had already pulled up his pants and was now pulling his shirt back over his head. He glanced over to his alarm clock, then back to Cloud who wasn't looking at him. It was already late, and Cloud looked tired...and perhaps he just didn't want him to leave his sight after his odd behavior, and the possible lies. "Stay with me."

Cloud looked at him slowly, his hands falling from the collar of his shirt to his sides. "What?"

"Stay with me tonight. I want you to stay." He almost felt like blocking the doorway, as Cloud suddenly got a look like he wanted to run.

"I...uh...d-don't want to impose..."

"You always say that, so stop it." Zack paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "...Even if you hogged the bed and all the blankets, ate all my food, and took all the hot water in the shower, you could never impose on me."

Cloud was trying to fight back the tears in his eyes again, and he scolded himself as he brought his hand to his chest in such a helpless and feeble gesture, but it just made Zack smile at him so warmly, so protectively in response. "I-I...really shouldn't..."

"Why not?" Zack approached him, reaching out and grasping Cloud's hand. "You said you had liberty tomorrow, didn't you? We can spend the day together."

"...Really?"

"Yes, really," he whispered before he leaned down and kissed his nose. "So please, say yes."

"Zack...I don't kn-"

"You can wear my sweats to bed if you want, although if you wanted to sleep naked, you could do that too, I have nothing against it as I do it myself sometimes."

Cloud tried to speak, but Zack just ignored him and turned on the light to begin looking in his closet for his sweatpants. Cloud eventually stopped trying to talk Zack out of it, and took the sweatpants that were held out to him defiantly. They both changed, Cloud in the pants that were obviously too big for him, and as he walked they would slide down, revealing his hipbone and the top of his groin. Zack marveled at that for a moment before he slipped on his boxers.

Zack crawled into the bed first, patting the spot next to him as Cloud just stood with an apprehensive look. But he eventually gave in and slid under the covers with him. At first he lay as far away from Zack as possible, huddled against the edge of the mattress on his side, his arms folded against his chest, and even his head was hardly on the pillow at all.

"I don't bite."

Cloud turned, his gaze meeting Zack's who was facing him, watching as he lie there for a few minutes silently. "What?"

"Come here. You don't have to let me hold you, but at least come closer so you don't fall off the bed."

He began to speak, but his voice came out roughly, and he cleared his throat. "I-I don't need much room."

"If you don't need much, then it won't make a difference if you're close to me," Zack said, fumbling with the blanket over them as he reached over to try to pull him closer. "C'mon, scoot."

The boy groaned softly and obeyed, wiggling back towards Zack, who immediately wrapped his arms around him. Cloud really didn't expect much else from him. He would have done that even if Cloud had told him not to hold him a hundred times. But his touch was warm, even if it made Cloud nervous. He had fallen asleep at Zack's apartment a few times before, but it was always different. It was just 'crashing' at his place, never 'spending the night', and never together in his bed. There was the night he came back from the infirmary after the first attack, but somehow that was different. They were both clothed, and both wide awake, and both just friends at that point.

He had never been held like this by anyone. He found himself scooting even closer.

"There we go," Zack said, placing a kiss against the back of his neck. "Thank you, Cloud. This is making me really happy."

Cloud nodded, his eyes closing at the feeling of Zack's lips planting several more kisses, and it made him shudder. "Me..." He cleared his throat again; it was still sore a week later. He was admittedly just getting his voice back, as he had basically lost it the day after the attack, and it just recently began to get stronger. "Me too," he finally said.

Zack lifted his head, frowning. "Are you getting sick? You've been having some trouble with your voice since earlier."

"Yeah, I think I'm okay. It's probably just a little bug," Cloud said, casually.

Zack nuzzled his nose into his head before he tightened his hold and closed his eyes. "Well, if you're not feeling any better tomorrow, we can take you to the infirma..."

"...Zack?" Cloud turned his head to look at the man who suddenly trailed off, deep in thought.

"Get some rest, Cloud," he finally said, smiling gently.

"O-okay...Goodnight, Zack."

Cloud's hair smelled like the shampoo from the infirmary.

"Goodnight, Cloud."

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Four: Understand.

Ending Author's Note: Soooo....yeah. XD Poor Zack was pretty conflicted. All signs were pointing to something being wrong, but he was just holding onto the thread of hope that it was all in his imagination/possible left overs from the first incident. Cloud made very...compelling arguments (aka groping) and was, of course, forcing himself once more. All I know is that I'm craving coffee now, but it's too late in the night to drink it. = w =

Anyway! Hope you enjoyed this chapter...! I know some of you were scared that they'd go through with the dirty deed. Zack is a horny guy, but he's not stupid. XD

So, next chapter will be out February 9th. I'm gonna skip another week methinks. :3 Sorry folks, but I sorta hit a tiny bit of writer's block during chapter twenty-five. That chapter itself is pretty much done, but I think I need to clear my head a little bit for the happenings in chapter twenty-six and so on. ^ u ^

Thanks to all my readers, once again! You all are amazing, and it means so much to me that you're enjoying this story. I don't think I can say that enough. And thank you to all the readers who favorited and alerted this story as well...I don't think I've ever said thank you on that yet. Shame on me. = n = Okay! I've talked enough...

EDIT! OMG EDIT! (1-27-10 at 12:42 p.m. PST) ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG THE AMAZING Panda's Forever Yeah CREATED A SLIDESHOW OF THE ZOLOM PICTURES ON YOUTUBE!

http: // www. youtube. com/ watch ?v =gNDmei3KRA4

Copy and paste into your browser, delete the spaces, hit enter AND ENJOY (AND GIVE IT FULL STARS!)! It's so cool! *squeal* I love it! I'll also post a link in my profile as well! Thank you Panda! You're amazing and I can't stop happy-flailing over here! Much much much love to you!

-Ziggy


	24. Chapter TwentyFour: Understand

Chapter Twenty-Four: Understand

* * *

He waited to leave until Cloud was finally asleep.

It took longer than Zack originally thought it would. His bed was very comfortable, more so than the bunks in the barracks, at least. He assumed that Cloud would have fallen asleep very quickly given that he was so tired from his behavior, and given the exhaustion from the aftermath of being intimate.

But it took two hours for him to finally sleep. Zack listened to his breathing pattern, which started off normally, but soon became thick, as if he were crying. He kept his arms around him throughout the two hours in silence, pulling him closer if he tried to shift away. Zack had tried to lift his head in the dark to see his face, but he had nestled it deep into the pillow.

Eventually, his breathing slowed and evened out, and Zack hadn't realized how tense Cloud actually was until his body just seemed to melt against him once he fell asleep. He had to carefully pull his arms away to not disturb him, and he dressed out in the living room as his belts made a bit of noise as he buckled them. Cloud struck him as someone who would be a light sleeper, and he wasn't going to take the chance of being caught leaving.

And now he was making his way down the quiet halls towards the barracks. He remembered that Ratcliff said that Kunsel was alone in watching over the unit, now that Mejia was gone. It seemed like they hadn't appointed more SOLDIERs in charge to take a shift change, but Zack had heard rumor that Shin-Ra was going to start to have infantry commanders solely in charge of the units soon, since SOLDIER was beginning to thin out. Or at least it seemed like that to Zack. With the Mass SOLDIER Desertion, the loss of Angeal and Genesis, he was beginning to feel like all of SOLDIER was falling apart. That only left Sephiroth and himself as the only 1st Class SOLDIERs, and to him it was his world, and the world as he knew it was becoming much smaller.

There were other classes of SOLDIER, of course, but it was thin, and to him it didn't matter. SOLDIER was extremely hard to get into, and people weren't so easily accepted, and also easily replaced – especially the 1st Classes. Perhaps it was a bit naïve to think that even he was irreplaceable, but in reality, if Shin-Ra couldn't replace him with a human of equal skill, he knew they would probably develop some insane weapon to take his place.

So it wasn't much surprise to see Kunsel in the barracks, and not in his quarters. Zack entered as quietly as he possibly could for being in such an enraged state as he was. He was going to get answers, and he was going to get them from the man who had them and was hiding them. He didn't care when he threw the door open that several people woke up and lifted their heads at him. He didn't care that Kunsel sat up and suddenly looked as if he were staring into the eyes of an unfathomable monster.

"Zack," Kunsel tried to keep calm in front of the few members of the unit that awoke to Zack's entrance. Perhaps it wasn't as quiet as Zack had hoped.

"Let's have a chat," Zack said, his voice heavy with an obviously fake friendliness.

"I can't."

"Oh yes you can."

Kunsel stood from the bed looking very unnerved. It was rare that he and Zack got into any sort of spat or argument, and it wasn't so much that he feared Zack, he feared repercussions from the company if he were to be caught speaking with Zack about the incident. In fact, he feared that he would face repercussions if he was even seen talking with Zack about anything, even if it was just the weather.

"Zack, _sir_, I can't."

Zack stopped his approach of Kunsel, lowering his hand as he looked as if he were to grab the man by the collar of his shirt and drag him out into the hallway for a merciless beating. Zack just stared at him for several long moments with an expression that even Kunsel had a hard time reading into, and he usually could read Zack quite easily.

Suddenly, Zack spoke. He sucked in a quick breath before he did, and Kunsel seemed to look fearful over what was about to come out of his mouth. "Now," was all he said.

Kunsel followed Zack out into the hallway in nothing but a shirt and boxer shorts. He hissed with displeasure of the cold tile on his bare feet, and frowned at Zack accordingly when the double doors closed behind them.

"Please make this quick, we have to get up at five for a PFT and then field day."

Zack was doing more of that unnerving staring. "You have PFTs tomorrow?"

"Yes, and maybe some martial arts training. I haven't fully decided yet."

They fell silent, Kunsel not exactly knowing why and what he said that would strike Zack silent when he looked so heated. He knew why he was there speaking with him, that was apparent, but for him to look confused over a regular day made Kunsel confused.

_But … Cloud said he had liberty._ Zack continued to stare.

"My feet are cold– "

"Why have you been avoiding me?"

" –I'm going back inside."

"Do I have some sort of disease that makes everyone feel compelled to lie to me and give me the fucking run-around?"

Kunsel ran a hand through his hair and glanced around nervously. "I … really can't talk to you, Zack."

"Why the fuck not?" Zack was now very visibly angry as his hands clenched down at his sides, and his jaw was set very prominently. His eyes were intense, almost as if Kunsel could see the mako coursing through, and Kunsel took a step away towards the barrack.

"I'm sorry, Zack."

"I order you to tell me what happened in Kalm."

Kunsel let out a low groan as he rubbed his face. "He said you might try something like that."

"'He'? Who? Tseng?" Zack approached him, knowing that Kunsel was teetering on telling him what he knew. "What happened in Kalm? What happened to Cloud? He smells like the fucking infirmary!"

"Zack, I gotta go."

"Kunsel!" Zack shouted, his voice ripped through the silence in the empty hallway. He was shaking with frustration, and his breathing was erratic and strained through the anger. "Were you ordered to keep quiet about it? Just say yes or no."

"Just," Kunsel lowered his voice to a whisper, leaning into Zack closely, and Zack could feel him shaking as well as he grabbed his wrist. "Just take care of Cloud. That's all I can say."

"Kunsel, don't walk away, please, tell me exactly what happened."

"They're watching me, Zack. My phone, my activities, everything," he muttered as his hand went to the door handle.

"Why?"

"Night, Zack," he muttered before he disappeared inside the barrack.

Zack stood watching the closed doors in a few minutes of disbelief before he turned. He headed back towards the elevator, his fingertips digging into his palms. He couldn't focus; his vision was clouded with a fury that he wasn't sure what to do with. Everything around him looked like a prime target for putting his fist through; his lungs were more than ready to empty his breath in a string of shouting expletives.

"You're pretty scary when you're pissed, I'll give ya that, yo."

Zack stopped and turned to face the Turk leaning up against a wall around a corner. He was smoking through the very end of a cigarette, and Zack had then wondered how long he had been standing there. He was surprised with himself that he didn't smell the smoke.

"The hell are you doing here?" Zack said through slow, thick breaths.

Reno tossed something at Zack as he rested the cigarette between his lips. "I was told to deliver this back to ya."

Zack caught it and looked down at his cellphone. "I don't want this right now."

Reno ignored him and took a long drag on his cigarette before speaking. "Ya know, when someone says they can't talk, usually it means somethin' big went down, yo."

"I'm not an idiot. I know that."

"Usually means only select people know what ya wanna know." He flicked the ashes off to the side, and their eyes met. "And that usually means that you're bein' excluded on _purpose_, yo."

"Get to your fucking point, Turk."

"Might be smart to leave that guy alone." He was obviously still ignoring him, and he blew out plumes of smoke from between his lips as he chucked the cigarette to the ground and stomped it out. "Pokin' your nose where it don't belong can have its consequences. Gotta be careful, yo."

"Are you following Kunsel, or me? Because you seem to conveniently appear where ever I am lately."

"Anyways, Boss said ya need to have your phone on ya at all times," Reno said as he turned and started to head towards the elevator. "Never know when someone who knows a bit more than ya might want to share."

Zack froze as his cellphone beeped in his hand. His fingers tightened around it, and he found that his mouth opened, but nothing came out. He watched as Reno jabbed the elevator button with the end of his cigarette lighter.

"We're even, yo."

"What?" Zack managed through the shaking of his head in confusion.

Reno stepped into the cart and the bell chimed rudely above when the doors began to close. "Ya know, giant snake tryin' to eat me an' all, yo."

* * *

Zack wasn't sure how long he had been staring down at the text message from the number he didn't recognize. It didn't matter who the sender was, however, as all he needed to know was displayed to him in broken and abbreviated words, spilled out into two messages. It filed into his inbox with the second part of the message before the first, but the second one was all he really needed to read to fully understand.

And all his eyes were able to focus on were two words.

'Attempted rape'.

He wasn't sure how many times he punched the door inside the elevator, but the skin on his knuckles became raw, and his breathing became erratic. His thoughts were nonexistent, replaced only with adrenaline and instinctive rage as he blindly walked back to his quarters. He found himself sitting on his couch, his hands attempting to rub his face, but the muscles in his arms refused to still their trembling to allow him to complete one pass across.

The room was quiet and almost dull. Zack could hear the soft ticking of the clock in the kitchen, and with each second he grew more anxious. He glanced over to his bedroom and he could see Cloud shifting slightly in the bed, trying to tug the blankets over his shoulder.

He considered waking him. He considered telling him that he knew what happened and he considered begging him to tell him in his own words. He considered telling him that he was sorry for not being there for him. He considered telling Cloud that he loved him.

Would any of that even make a difference for Cloud? None of that would take away what had happened. Sympathy couldn't erase reality.

Soft murmuring came from his room, and Zack found himself entering without even realizing he had stood from the couch and walked over. The moonlight was peeking through the slats in the blinds, causing shadows to run across the boy's face as he slept. He was facing Zack's side of the bed, his knees brought up to his chest with the blankets tugged tightly around him, still speaking softly as he slept.

Zack sat on the edge, staring down at him for quite some time. He watched as his eyebrows would furrow with the quiet noises he made, and then relax. Zack couldn't even begin to understand how someone would want to hurt him. And he couldn't understand why Cloud wouldn't tell him what happened, and why the company had ordered Kunsel to keep quiet about it. What would the company have to gain by keeping something like this secret? Sephiroth himself told him of the first occurrence, so what made this so different?

He shed his clothes quietly and slipped back under the covers. He couldn't stand to wake him, not when he looked this relaxed. Cloud muttered something again, and this time he heard it. It was his name.

Zack scooted closer to him, wrapping his arm over his shoulder and pulled him to his chest. Cloud seemed to tense at first, but then relaxed once Zack began rubbing the back of his neck with his fingertips lightly.

"Where were you?"

Zack opened his eyes and saw that Cloud pulled away and was looking at him. He paused for a moment, their eyes flickering against each other. "Did I wake you?"

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry. I just forgot I had a report to turn in earlier. I slipped it under the door to Tseng's office." He leaned forward and kissed his forehead lightly. "Go back to sleep, please."

Cloud lifted his head and looked at him for what seemed like a long time. "What's wrong?"

Zack forced himself to chuckle as he reached up and grasped Cloud's head and urged it back down onto the pillow. "Nothing, Angel. C'mon, sleep."

Cloud just stared at him in the moonlight silently. Zack thought he could see his eyes becoming glossy, and noticed that his breathing became thick through his nose as if he were beginning to cry. But no tears escaped, and as he spoke, his voice came out a steady whisper.

"Why do you call me that?"

"I need a reason?" Zack said, brushing his thumb across Cloud's cheek lightly.

Cloud shook his head, and finally the tears began to roll across the bridge of his nose, trailing along the contours of his cheek to the pillow. "I just … don't feel like I deserve to be called that."

Zack wiped the tears from his face and smiled at him softly. "You do. And I can think of a lot more deserving nicknames to call you, so just accept it, babe."

"'Babe'? I'm not a girl."

"Does it really matter what I call you?" Zack brushed his lips up against Cloud's. "Just know that I … " He pulled back, and he could see Cloud's eyes widening a little, waiting for him to continue. Zack let out a soft chuckle. "No matter what, you're my Angel, and there's nothing that can happen to change that, okay?"

Cloud was silent for a while. He was blinking slowly, and with each time he released more tears, all which were quickly wiped away. "If you say so," he finally whispered.

"I know so," Zack whispered back, finally kissing his lips fully. "Go to sleep, now."

Cloud shifted a bit, lowering his head into Zack's neck. "You too."

Zack kissed the top of his head. "I will." He wrapped his arm around his waist, pulling them together. He could hear the boy's breathing begin to clear, but he could still feel his hot tears against his skin. After a while, Zack spoke, his voice coming out careful, and as ambiguous as he possibly could for knowing almost everything. "You know," he murmured into the top of his head, "you can … talk to me about anything."

Cloud was still for a moment, and not even the sound of his breathing could be heard. His muscles seemed to clench against Zack's body before he suddenly pulled away and flipped onto his other side, turning his back to him. "Yeah … I know," he eventually said, his voice distant, yet holding almost a hint of guilt to it. "Goodnight, Zack."

Zack frowned to himself, but wrapped his arm around him and once again pulled them together. He didn't bother responding. There was no need.

Neither fell back asleep.

* * *

His phone had gone off around six. At first he ignored it and slammed it into his nightstand drawer, but when it went off again, and Cloud had groaned in disapproval, he sat up and answered it out in the living room.

Zack hadn't slept; he _couldn't_ sleep. Through trying to calm himself from the shock, through a nightmare Cloud had towards early morning once he _finally_ seemed to fall asleep, Zack couldn't find the ability to even think about sleeping. He refrained from getting up throughout the night to pace about his apartment, only because when he tried to pull away from Cloud, the boy changed positions and finally faced him again. He then couldn't find the ability to pull away, as Cloud actually nuzzled up close to him.

He remembered that he might have started to drift off from sheer exhaustion at one point during the night, but was awoken when Cloud began to fuss over the nightmare. He started to toss his head weakly, muttering something that Zack couldn't quite understand. Zack watched him in the strengthening sunlight for a bit, unsure if he was just simply dreaming. But when his voice began to rise and when his muttering became phrases he understood like, 'please, don't', Zack gently shook his shoulder, but not so gently woke him.

It was a very rough night.

And now, Zack was pacing about, much like he wanted to do earlier in the night, but he was on his phone with Director Lazard. Part of the conversation was Lazard disciplining him over leaving his phone behind and not answering it the first time around that morning, part of it was giving him details of a mission he was assigned, and the last part was Zack telling him that he was going to take the day off. He then politely hung up. He had started to walk back into the bedroom to snuggle back up next to Cloud, when the phone promptly rang again.

He ignored it at first, but finally realized the phone wouldn't stop ringing unless he actually answered it. He dressed himself out in the living room while his phone rang a few more times on the counter. Throwing it against the wall seemed tempting, but he reluctantly answered it to have Lazard gripe at him for another few minutes, through another few laps of pacing around his kitchen. He looked up and saw Cloud exiting the room, looking rather haggard as he tugged up the sweatpants that began to slip on his waist. Zack frowned briefly, as they really weren't that big, and he wondered if Cloud had lost some weight. He couldn't really tell, as most of the time Cloud was in his uniform, and the few times that they had been intimate, Cloud had his clothes on for the most part.

"Did I wake you again?" Zack whispered, holding the phone away, and Cloud looked at it with a worried look as he could hear Lazard through the earpiece.

Cloud shook his head and accepted a rather hesitant hug from Zack. "Do you have a mission?"

Zack rolled his eyes with a grimace as they pulled away. "Something like that." He brought it back to his ear and said a few 'uh-huh's, and then held it away again. "Can I kiss you good morning?"

"You don't have to ask," Cloud whispered slowly, giving Zack a confused look.

"Well, not good to _assume_ things, you know."

Cloud smiled a little, but it looked rather empty. "You remembered."

"Of course I did. How could I forget?" Zack whispered and leaned down, kissing Cloud gently on the lips. Cloud put minimal effort into it, but Zack wasn't that surprised as he looked drowsy, and he didn't expect much after what happened. Again.

Zack pulled away, staring down at Cloud, unable to hide a concerned look. He didn't even read the first part of the text message, so at this point he really wasn't sure exactly what happened. 'Attempted rape' could have meant that Mejia just tried to get at him, and Cloud was saved in time, like the first incident. It could have meant Mejia didn't even get to Cloud at all, and that he was stopped before anything remotely happened. And it could have meant a lot worse ….

His eyes looked over the bruise on his cheek, and the bandage on his shoulder. Cloud seemed to notice and he shifted uncomfortably on his feet, then turned away a little. "How do you feel this morning? Throat still bothering you?"

"No, it's fine."

Lazard was still talking on the phone.

"No need to go to the infirmary?"

Cloud shook his head quickly and darted over to the refrigerator where he opened it and leaned in, but didn't seem to be looking for anything in particular. "No need."

"What're you looking for?"

"The milk."

Zack cleared his throat and pointed to the bar counter where the milk sat next to the instant coffee and a steaming mug. "I would have made you some if I knew you were awake, sorry."

Lazard was still talking.

"It's okay," Cloud whispered, looking down to the counter where his cup from the night before was spilled out onto the surface. "Did we do that?"

"Uh-huh," he said into the phone, then pulled it away again. "I guess we did. I'll clean it when I get back." He watched as Cloud began to make himself a cup of coffee, and smiled as he realized Cloud was seemingly comfortable enough to help himself. He filled a mug with water at the sink, barely turning on the faucet as to not make much noise, and then set it into the microwave. He slowly closed the door and then winced when it snapped shut rather loudly.

"No, don't worry. I'll take care of it while you're gone," Cloud whispered, wincing more as the microwave beeped rudely when he pressed the buttons to set the time.

Lazard was _still_ talking.

"Oh, so that means you're staying here today?" Zack flashed him an excited smile, and most of it was genuine. He couldn't help but force a small part of it, however, only because he was trying to suppress his anger in an attempt to act somewhat normal around the boy.

Cloud bowed his head, trying to hide his suddenly red face behind his hair. "W-why do you have to say things like that, Zack?" He focused his attention on the spinning mug in the microwave.

"Because it makes you turn red like that, and it's cute."

"I'm not _cute_."

Zack laughed quietly and leaned against the counter next to him, trying to get a better view of his face. "Angelic," he whispered.

"I'm not, really," Cloud whispered back with a small smile.

"Stunning," Zack said.

"Stop," Cloud said, his smile slowly fading.

"Beauti-"

"Stop!"

They both fell silent, listening only to the sound of the humming microwave, and Cloud's annoyed breathing. He looked both ashamed and frightened, and Zack just stared at him quietly.

Lazard was silent on the phone, as well.

"P-please, don't call me any of that," he finally whispered uncomfortably.

Zack just stared at him as he brought the phone warily to his ear again and awkwardly continued the conversation. He began to pace once more, walking around Cloud who just stood at the microwave idly, even when it beeped to signal that it was done heating the water.

"Well," Zack said once he snapped the phone closed, "I gotta go take care of some monsters down in the slums, and then report for a meeting. I should have the rest of the day off afterwards. Would you like to do something?"

Cloud didn't respond. He was just staring off into the appliance in front of him.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. It's just that when you smile, I tend to get a little carried away." Zack walked over to Cloud and ran his hand along his upper arm lightly.

He flinched.

Zack pulled away. "Cloud?"

Cloud stammered a few times and shook his head as if he were snapped out of a trance. "I, uh … what?"

Zack began to repeat himself slowly, but Cloud cut him off as he nodded and spoke quickly.

"No, it's okay. I'm just … not used to being called all those things."

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" Zack said softly as Cloud turned to face him with his head aimed downwards.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said, forcing a shaky smile as he lifted his head a little. "What would you want to do later?" He started to spoon in the instant coffee, and it foamed up in the water and released its aroma, which reminded Zack of his own serving he neglected.

"Well, do you like to shoot pool?"

"I've only done it a few times with … Elici …" He trailed off, staring down at the mug in his hands.

"Did you enjoy it? We can walk down to this pool hall on –"

Cloud suddenly flinched again, and the hot liquid splashed onto his hand. He hissed and set the mug down onto the counter, shaking his hand off over the sink as he swore a few times.

Zack rushed over and turned on the faucet, and Cloud gratefully put his hand underneath the cold water. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I think I just need some more sleep."

They both seemed to sigh heavily as Cloud continued to hold his hand under the water.

"Just make yourself comfortable, and I'll be back before you know it. Get some rest, and we'll go out later if you want," Zack said softly before he leaned in and gave Cloud a chaste kiss on his cheek.

"Yeah …"

"Your hand okay?"

Cloud nodded a few times and turned the water off. He dried his hand off on the sagging sweatpants before he grabbed the sponge. "I'll have everything clean before you get back, don't worry," he mumbled and walked past him to start cleaning the mess from the night before.

"Cloud, just go get more sleep. I'll do it when I get back, okay?"

He set the sponge down slowly and nodded a few more times, his eyes never meeting Zack's gaze. "Stay safe."

"Hey." Zack stepped to him and put his hand beneath his chin to lift it. Cloud accepted the touch, and uncertain eyes crawled up to Zack, but then looked back down again when Zack smiled at him. "Not gonna look at me?"

Cloud responded by doing nothing but just staring off to the side, his bottom lip retreating back into his mouth where he nibbled on it nervously.

"Well, you don't have to look at me. Just listen to me." He rubbed his thumb across Cloud's chin as he spoke. "I … I'm glad you're here with me." He watched as Cloud's eyebrows furrowed as if he were responding negatively in his mind to what he was saying, but then they relaxed as Zack continued. "And … just know that I'm here for you." His phone beeped and Zack dropped his hand from Cloud's chin with a growl. "Well, as much as I can be without getting interrupted."

That shaky smile was back on Cloud's face again, and those uncertain eyes returned to briefly meet his. "I know you are, Zack."

"I better go. Don't want to keep those monsters waiting." Zack began to walk to the front door, but was stopped by Cloud grabbing his arm.

"Wait."

The sound of Cloud's voice was almost pleading, suddenly filled with a tone that suggested suppressed thoughts were yearning to surface. Those eyebrows that were furrowed were now arched over eyes that finally locked onto Zack's.

Zack's mission be damned, if Cloud wanted to open up to him and tell him everything, even if it meant facing consequences from Lazard, he would have stayed. He would have flushed his phone down the toilet, locked his door and barricaded both Cloud and himself in his room and did nothing but hold him all day. He would be a hypocrite; he would apologize to Cloud a thousand times over for not being there for him, for not knowing something had happened, for doubting his instincts, and for continuing with their passion even though somewhere in his mind he knew it was wrong all along.

But Cloud said nothing; he did nothing. Moments of them both shifting nervously on their feet passed, and each could sense an aura of unease between them, but nothing was addressed. Awkward smiles were shared, and a brief rubbing of Cloud's hand on Zack's arm was enjoyed, although somewhat solemnly.

His phone beeped again, reminding him he had a message in his inbox, and he feared who it was from, and what it contained. Cloud dropped his hand from Zack's arm.

"You … better go," Cloud finally said, his voice cracking a bit, and Zack couldn't tell if it was from his throat issue, or from something else. But as Cloud lowered his eyes, Zack saw them gleaming with the all too familiar evidence of tears and pain.

"Yeah, I guess I should," Zack muttered, unsure of what to do. He was seriously considering not reporting for duty, but in reality, it wouldn't be a very smart idea. There would be hell to pay, but the look on Cloud's face was making it hard to just walk away. "I'll be back before you know it."

"Yeah, of course," he said, trying to smile. He had been trying to act normal since he first saw Zack the previous day, but was finding it impossible to even remotely seem untroubled, and he would be stupid to think that Zack was falling for anything that he attempted. He knew Zack well enough to be able to read into those eyes when they looked at him with concern and speculation. Perhaps he could blame it on being tired still, but sooner or later, Zack would catch on for sure, if he hadn't already.

Zack reached out and grabbed his hand, giving it a tight squeeze. "See ya." He reluctantly left, giving him a smile. He saw Cloud briefly smile back, but it was gone even before the door was fully closed. Zack took a few steps down the hall, but stopped and leaned up against the wall with a heavy sigh.

And he stood there and listened as he could hear Cloud began to quietly cry.

* * *

He made his way down to the slums and dispatched of the monsters faster than he expected, even for himself. It just seemed like a good outlet for his pent up anger he was feeling towards everything. He was panting, which he never seemed to grow tired from fighting this easily, but given his sleepless night and his emotions, he wasn't too surprised that his shoulders were heaving and he had worked up a sweat.

A few people stood and watched as he killed the monsters, and a few children inquired about his sword and being in SOLDIER, but he wasn't in the mood to entertain. He quickly dispatched of the inquisitive masses with a polite but firm excusing of himself. They disbanded and went back to their lives beneath the plate, and he went to sit on a piece of … something that he couldn't tell what it was or what it was from. All he knew was that it looked sturdy enough to hold his weight.

He kicked a bit of debris by his foot, frowning to himself. He paused for a moment, then pulled his phone out of his pocket and flipped it around in his palm. He still hadn't read the full message, or the new one he received from the same number as the previous ones. He had opened it as he walked down the hallway towards the elevator as he left, but when he could still hear Cloud's muffled crying, he couldn't bring himself to read it.

Now he stared down at his phone as he stopped flipping it around, and his thumb hooked beneath the earpiece, trying to muster the courage to open it. The breathing that he was finally able to get under control after his fighting began to become heavy once more, and the sweat that had stopped came back, trailing down his skin. He was lightheaded, and then scolded himself for even feeling this way, as Cloud was back in his apartment feeling, remembering, suffering through something he couldn't even begin to wrap his mind around.

He opened the phone as he held his breath, and went to the message inbox. And the next breath he took came out in what sounded like a choke. He sat and stared at it, piecing together the odd behavior from the boy, with what the message had read in so few of words. And the next breath he took in, he picked up the smell of cigarette smoke.

"Finally opened it?"

Zack stood, looking through a few people who walked past him to see Reno once again smoking and sitting directly across from him on a pile of rubble. He really had to start paying more attention; this Turk was everywhere.

"Y-yeah …"

"Hungry?"

"What?"

"Are ya hungry, yo?"

Zack just looked at the Turk rather dubiously, which received an amused grin from Reno.

"C'mon. Let's go to the Wall Market."

Zack just found himself following behind a few paces, without saying much.

"So that storage room we found in Kalm …"  
"… Yeah."

"Mejia's family owns it, and the shops above. We knew that already, though. What we didn't know was that Mejia was hidin' out there all along, yo. That cadet found out the hard way."

Zack gritted his teeth, refraining from warning Reno to choose his words wisely during their conversation, but knew that Reno was going to indulge him in more of the information. He needed to behave and choose _his_ _own_ words wisely to get what he wanted.

"Mejia pulled the cadet in there and, uh …" Reno suddenly stopped and allowed Zack to catch up to him as they neared a few citizens just standing around and talking by some shops. He waited until Zack's intense gaze met his before he frowned and gave him what seemed like a sympathetic look. "Orally raped him."

Zack was silent.

"He used a gun on the kid, pistol whipped and all. Prolly the gun to the magazine we found in the wreckage." They began walking again, and Reno took note of the soft growling he could hear from the SOLDIER. "According to the medical report, and the report of the SOLDIER in charge of the team, that guy used Thundara on the kid, too. Brutal, yo."

He was still silent, save for the now heavy breathing once more.

"Anyways, the SOLDIER in charge got to him in time and stopped Mejia before he did what he set out to do, if ya get my drift."

"Yeah," Zack said quickly.

"Long story short, the SOLDIER stopped it, Mejia ran, hurt another one in the team, and fled the town."

"And … Cloud …?"

Reno lit another cigarette and took a long drag on it, narrowing his eyes. "Noggin's been rattled, nerves fried, shoulder's turned into target practice, and mind-fucked again."

Zack stopped walking and Reno turned, once he got a good distance away. Perhaps he shouldn't have worded it so bluntly.

"C'mon," Reno said, nodding towards a small hut with smoke rising from it.

He finally realized they were in the Wall Market, and he looked around. They were standing in front of what looked like a restaurant, as the stale air around was masked with the smell of good cooking. He figured his stomach would be rumbling had he not been so disgusted with what he was hearing.

They entered and took a seat on the stools at the counter. People were conversing over the hiss of the grill, and over the chefs shouting the patrons' orders. They weren't handed menus, but were rudely briefed in what they served, and Zack just picked the special of the day. He had no interest in what it was.

"So," Reno finally said, putting his cigarette out as a few people beside him grumbled and complained that the air beneath the plate was bad enough as it was, and they didn't need to be breathing it in. "Don't be alarmed if the kid is a bit grumpy, like how he was in the ramen shop. Electrocution and a head injury make for bitchy attitudes."

"What the fuck? You were following me there too?"

"Hey man, don't hate. Jus' my job, yo."

Zack was silent for a while, trying to calm himself. It was true, it was his job, even though he wasn't sure why it was his job to be following him. But to follow him when Zack was on his downtime still didn't sit right. "How bad is he, anyway?" he finally asked.

Reno shrugged and took a sip of the beer he ordered. "Well, he threw out his medication that was given to him, but he's been goin' to see that hot psychologist."

"How the hell do you know all of this?"

"Slick, I know everythin'. I work in the _Investigative_ Department, yo. I investigate things for a livin'."

"But why waste your time with this? Why me?"

Reno laughed rather arrogantly, albeit it was a very short and dry laugh. "I knew all about ya even before we worked with each other." He took another sip of his beer. "Had to check ya out, just in case Cissnei wanted to start datin' ya," he said, slowly looking to him with a similarly arrogant smile. "Just lookin' out for her."

Zack looked away and took his focus out on the grill in front of him behind the counter. Several burgers were thrown down, and the smell really was amazing to him, but his stomach was in such a knot that food wouldn't know which way to go if he were to consume it.

"But," Reno began again, "I can see now that she ain't your type."

"That's what I told you. I like my women to be–"

Reno cut him off with another laugh, but it was more of an amused tone. "I may look like a lazy cat, but there's a reason why I'm a Turk, yo. Tseng may be in denial, but I can tell what type of _relationship_ ya have with that cadet."

Zack nearly choked on the sip of water he took, and his gaze crawled over to Reno in disbelief.

"It's cool with me, yo. I don't usually swing that way, but … there are things in my past I can't so easily erase, ya know? Things I can't ignore," he said quietly, almost respectfully. "So it'd be wrong of me to judge ya."

Their lunch was placed in front of them with a shout of the chef to another chef saying that it was served. They both winced a little at his loud voice, but the chef was too busy shouting more to notice.

"I'll admit," Reno said, taking a bite of his sandwich, "I don't know much about that cadet, but he must be somethin' interestin' to pull ya away from a girl like Cissnei, or that girl from the slums. Hell, any girl, really."

"What the hell? You knew about my past relationship?"

The Turk sighed, throwing down his sandwich to look at him, offended. "Man, ya sure don't catch on quick, do ya? Have ya been listenin' to anything that I've said, yo?"

"Sorry …"  
"And ya realize that I can get in big trouble for leakin' this shit out to ya." He resumed eating. "Our phones ain't monitored, and I'm supposed to be watchin' ya anyways, so unless you go blabbin' to Tseng about all this, then we should be safe. So be grateful, yo, and show me some respect."

"But … why? Why are you telling me this? Why does my relationship with Cloud matter to you so much that would make you risk your job?" Zack knew that Reno wouldn't be just risking his job. He would be risking his life in leaking out classified information such as this. Although at this point he was still clueless as to why it would be classified.

"I told ya, ya stopped me from becomin' a permanent resident in a snake's belly."

"C'mon, that wasn't that big of a deal. You had your gun, you could have shot it."

"Ya know, you're a smart guy. Tell me how many rounds did ya hear me fire off into it after ya were poisoned?"

"Is this sarcasm again? Are you gonna make some sort of crack about SOLDIERs being able to count?"

"Nah, I'm serious, yo. How many?"

Zack sat and thought for a while. There was so much confusion and pain from the venom that it was hard to concentrate his senses at that time. He replayed the incident in his head a few times before he finally spoke. "Three …"

"Yup. And how many in the magazines we're issued?"

"Ten."

"Gun jammed on me, yo."

"Why would you care about Cloud this much?"

"I told ya already."

"Reno …"

Reno was silent, just poking at his sandwich with a frown that Zack had a hard time reading into. After a few moments, he spoke, his voice coming out hesitant and slightly wavering. "I might … empathize with guys like this Cloud guy."

"...Empathize?"

"Yeah. Like I said … some shit from my past I can't ignore."

Zack nodded a few times, not bothering to say much as he twirled a french fry into a dollop of ketchup next to the burger he hardly touched. "Thanks … Reno."

"Yup."

"Lunch is on me."

Reno forced a laugh, staring ahead to the grill where a combination of smoke and steam plumed from the food being cooked. "Yup."

* * *

The meeting was short. Rather, Zack cut it short. He had no interest in what Director Lazard was spouting off to the group of SOLDIERs. Really, none. He stood in the back of the room, his eyes locked onto Kunsel who stood straight as a rail during the meeting, and who had completely and utterly ignored him.

Zack waited until Lazard made eye contact with him before he shot him a two-fingered salute by his brow, and simply left. Lazard didn't seem to make an effort to stop him. Rather, he didn't want to shout at him in front of the the group of SOLDIERs in his office and lose that cool demeanor he always managed to keep.

Zack really felt like shooting him a one-fingered salute.

_"Because you're one of two 1__st__ Class SOLDIERs left, and Lazard don't wanna lose ya."_

Zack had hardly believed that. Before he parted from Reno, well, before Reno continued to follow him, that's what he was informed. That was the reasoning why he was kept from Cloud for five days, the reason why Ratcliff couldn't make sense of himself around him, and why Kunsel had avoided him.

But whatever reasoning Cloud had for not telling him about what happened, he could only continue to speculate. Perhaps he was ordered not to say anything, as well. Cloud followed orders. He wasn't one like Kunsel to let a few things slip for his own comfort or benefit. It had been drilled into his head to obey, and that's what he did.

_To obey._

Cloud had forced himself again. He had begged Zack for sex, for intimacy to obey his insecurities. Zack couldn't understand why he felt the need to be so adamant about everything. For Cloud to cause himself more harm, more suffering for the sake of Zack's happiness ….

None of it made sense.

Zack entered his apartment slowly. It was already late in the afternoon, and he admittedly didn't have the energy now to go out like he offered to Cloud earlier, but whatever would help the boy take his mind off of the incident, he was willing to do. But as he entered, the apartment was cold. Lights were off, the couch empty; everything was exactly how he left it.

The coffee mug was still fallen, the liquid long since dried on the surface of the counter. The sponge still was sitting where Cloud had set it in the morning.

Zack ran a hand through his hair. He really couldn't blame Cloud for running again, but a part of him had hoped he had stayed; he hoped that Cloud would at least have trust in him.

Soft snoring came from his room, and for the first time that day he truly smiled. He entered the room filled with sunlight, and on his bed, Cloud slept. He had kicked the blankets off of himself and was sprawled out on his stomach. Those sweatpants had wiggled their way down on his waist, revealing part of his bottom. Zack realized then that he had never seen Cloud's bottom before, and he couldn't help but continue that smile.

And he shed his clothing, not bothering to change out in the living room this time around, as Cloud's snoring drowned out the sound of his belts unbuckling, and the sound of his armor hitting the carpet below. He crawled into the bed, pulling the warm blankets over the both of them, and Cloud groaned softly and shifted onto his side, facing him. Zack reached over and pulled him close.

And they slept.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Five: Awkward Cliché.

Ending Author's Note: So the cat is outta the bag. X3 Some not so good acting on both Zack and Cloud's part … doesn't matter anymore though. Zack knows about it all. Well, most of it. Not the exact conversation between Cloud and Mejia, of course, but then again no one knows that except for Cloud and Mejia. XD But whether or not that's ever will be revealed to Zack remains to be seen. o 3o

**OKAY! Something amazing! The awesome Panda's Forever Yeah has made a slide show on Youtube of the pictures from the Zolom fight!**

http: // www. Youtube. Com/ watch? v=gND mei3KRA4

**Copy and paste the link, delete the spaces in the web address, watch, favorite, rate, comment! It's so awesome! Thank you so much Panda! Much, much, much, much love! 8D**

Also! I published a Zack/Cloud one-shot that's Valentine's Day-esque theme. It's my first one-shot written in over seven years, and I'm proud that I was actually able to focus my thoughts in under 4,000 words. I can be long winded, as you're well aware. But that's why I'm funny, right? XD Anyway, if you're in the mood for Clack shounen ai fluff, it's called "I Did It for You" and you can find it here...

http: // www. Fanfiction. Net /s/ 5728305 /1/ I_Did_It_for_You

Delete the spaces first. And if fanfiction. net cuts out the link (even though it's directed somewhere on the site itself ... pfft, go figure ... ), there are underscores that belong in the web address between each word of the title. Or you can just find it through my profile, of course. It's not connected to Malady in anyway, except for one little quirk/gag that you might catch. XD Just a separate one-shot. :3 Enjoy!

I also wanted to clarify something, just in case I may have offended anyone with the chapters with the psychologist. Any views expressed in this story do not necessarily reflect my own personal views on anything relating to psychology, psychiatry, or the use of these professionals. I know that the psychologist in this story is viewed as a "quack" or as "pointless" from some of the characters, and that is for entertainment purposes only and is only meant to serve as character development for this story. I have nothing against them, nor do I think negatively of any individual who use their services. No one has complained to me or anything about it, but I just wanted to make that clear to everyone. :3

Anyway, come back February 16th for the next chapter. Thank you everyone for reading and enjoying! = w = Much loves to all ... ! Oh, and have a Happy Valentine's Day (if you celebrate! If you don't, then ... SMASH 0214 … heh!)


	25. Chapter TwentyFive: Awkward Cliché

Chapter Twenty-Five: Awkward Cliché

* * *

They had slept through most of the afternoon and evening. When the sun began to set, warmth in the room was replaced by the heat of their bodies huddled beneath the blanket. It was almost unbearable, and the only remedy was to either pull away from each other or kick the covers off. Zack didn't seem like he would pull away anytime soon, so Cloud had been forced to toss back the covers on himself. In all honesty, he didn't want to pull away from Zack either, but hunger and a full bladder got the better of him.

Zack had woke a little while later when he reached out and Cloud wasn't there. He thought he had heard the front door close and assumed that that was what had initially woke him. After his senses began to collect, he realized that Cloud had left. He didn't want Cloud to leave his sight; he wanted to watch over him and make sure that he was okay for as long as he could. So he rushed out into the living room to chase after him, but found him sitting on the couch eating a piece of toast with the television on low.

Cloud had already cleaned the mess in the kitchen and had showered. He sheepishly admitted that he felt bad for not asking if he could use Zack's shower first, to which Zack just replied that he was only disappointed that Cloud didn't wake him and ask him to join. Cloud just sat staring at him for several moments slowly chewing on the toast, and remained relatively unfazed by what Zack had said. Or perhaps he was just zoning out, as when Zack had sat down next to him, Cloud blinked a few times and looked rather dazed suddenly.

The bandage on his shoulder was gone after his shower, and Zack could see the remains of the bullet wound. Cloud saw his eyes lingering, and their gaze eventually met with small smiles and an awkward silence, but the wound was never addressed.

In fact, nothing was addressed. Not Cloud's short behavior earlier in the morning, the nightmare he had or the tears he spilled, not the offer for sex the night before, or even his outburst at the restaurant. Of course, Zack now knew the reasoning for all of that, but Cloud wasn't aware of it, and he still said nothing as if it didn't happen. And it made for a bit of uneasy tension between them at first, but Zack did his best to gloss it over and attempt to act how he normally would. He was surprised with himself for not having pinned the boy against the couch to gush to him about all the truths he knew and that he wished Cloud would admit to.

So now they sat together on the couch in the light of the television in front of them, and the dimming sun behind them. They decided to stay in for the night as Cloud seemed a bit tired still, and Zack had a feeling they would have an unwanted third wheel on their date if they were to leave. As thankful as he was to Reno for filling him in on everything, he really didn't feel like dealing with being unnecessarily followed by any of the Turks for the remainder of the night.

Or at all, really.

His only hope was that the Turks wouldn't follow him for that much longer, and that his relationship with Kunsel would go back to normal and that his relationship with Cloud could resume steadily as well. He wondered how long the company thought that they could possibly keep something like this from him, and just scoffed at the concept of it all. He figured it would blow over with them sooner or later, and they would turn their attention on something more … _attention worthy_.

Of course, had they realized Zack's true relationship with Cloud, they would have known that he wouldn't even dream of running off and taking matters in his own hands with Mejia. His priorities were Cloud's safety and wellbeing, and knowing that Elici was gone and Graves was AWOL meant that Cloud didn't have much support. He had Ratcliff, but he seemed strange with Cloud, and Zack assumed it was for the same reasons as to why Kunsel was strange.

As much as going AWOL himself and running after Mejia to murder him played heavily on his mind and blood-lust, he knew it would do nothing but hurt both him and Cloud. And hurting Cloud was something he never wanted to do, so by his side he remained. All of this wasn't going to stop him from asking Tseng about sending him on more assigned missions to find Mejia, however, and tomorrow he would be in his office the first chance he had pretending as if he knew nothing. He'd do his usual barging into his office, his usual insulting banter with him, he might even go back to playing with that unused stress-ball on the man's desk, and he would certainly smile his usual smile if and when smalltalk was used. But he would have to muster forth enough determination to play it cool as to not reach across to bash Tseng's head into his desk and call him every expletive that he knew, and perhaps some adlibbed ones as well.

Now, Zack had his hand on Cloud's thigh lightly, almost as if he were afraid to touch him in fear of being inappropriate. He glanced over to the boy who was sitting unnervingly straight against the couch as if he were under the scrutiny of an officer, and he just quietly watched the screen. Zack was watching him intently as he began to move his thumb against his knee for any signs of disturbance in his face, but he remained fairly stoic. The only time he made a different expression was when that sitcom came on, and he became outwardly unamused.

Zack leaned across Cloud's lap to where the remote lay beside him and he shut the television off. "We don't have to watch that if you don't want to."

"I know, but it always seems to be on when we're together."

"Are you implying that it's some sort of tradition between us now?" Zack sat up slowly, a smile growing on his face as he looked at him.

"No, it's just fact." Cloud was looking back at him bashfully, which only made Zack's grin wider. "Every time we seem to spend time together watching TV, it's always on."

"I think that _is_ what you're implying."

"Well," Cloud said, and then paused for a moment, his eyes flickering down to the remote. "... Is it wrong if I was?"

"Nope, nothing wrong with it." Zack reached over Cloud again and turned the television back on, and the sitcom flickered onto the screen once more.

They went back to sitting in silence. Cloud no longer sat as stiffly, and nestled back into the cushions with a leathery squeak. The hand on Cloud's thigh was once again replaced, perhaps even more firmly than before, and the thumb resumed its repetitive stroking against his knee. Zack went back to watching Cloud's face through the corner of his eye and was pleased to see that Cloud was either smiling at the sitcom, or at Zack's gentle touch.

Zack was afraid of making the wrong move with him. He was nervous with how to act, and was unsure about the right way to go about everything, if there was even a right way at all. If Zack wasn't supposed to know, and if Cloud wasn't going to tell him, he at least wanted tome sort of guideline with how to treat him; he didn't want to make things worse. He tried to picture what that psychologist might tell him with how to interact, but his mind was unable to really put forth a believable and solid idea of his own. Everything in his head suddenly became cliché.

"Hey Zack?"

His hand suddenly stopped rubbing Cloud's knee and it was brought to his lap quickly, and he immediately scolded himself for being so jumpy; it would look suspicious. "Yeah?" he said casually, but his hand remained on his own thigh.

"Aren't you going to ask me how my mission went?"

Zack turned his head very slowly and their eyes locked on each other. He tried to read into the expression on Cloud's face, but there was none.

"Sure," he said slowly, carefully, "how did your mission go?" He wasn't sure where this was going to lead, and his heart began to beat heavy in his chest.

"It went fine," he said, his voice void of any emotion as well.

"Okay ... that's ... good."

"How did yours go?" Cloud said, his voice slightly more upbeat now, even if it was only a little.

"It went fine," Zack said, his voice attempting to sound upbeat as well, but failed miserably.

"Okay, that's good." Cloud turned his head back to the television in front of him. After a few minutes of a heady silence, he looked back over to Zack who was staring wide-eyed in front of him. "... Hey Zack?"

He was almost afraid to answer. "... Yeah?" he finally said.

"Are you bored with me?"

"... What?"

"I-I mean ... are you bored right now?"

"Not at all," Zack said sincerely. The show was boring, of course, but his mind was too much at work to even consider something as simple as boredom.

"Because we can do something else ... w-whatever you want." Cloud was suddenly bouncing a leg, his eyebrows arched and eyes wide in what could have been an ardent look.

"Was there something you wanted to tell me?" Zack gave him as best of a gentle and understanding smile as he could for having his mind reeling in the way that it was over the sudden change in their conversation. He began to piece together those possible clichés that had cross his mind previously, trying to load up his arsenal of things to say in case Cloud was about to unload everything on him.

But Cloud's leg stopped bouncing, that ardent look dissipated into that void he had earlier. "No. Nothing." And his voice was back to that empty tone again that left Zack clueless to what was really going on in his head.

"Cloud," Zack eventually said, "I'm not bored, it's okay. Are _you_ bored?"

"No, please don't think that!" He shifted onto his knees as he reached out and grabbed Zack's hand from his lap. "I can never be bored with you."

"Okay ... that's ... good to know." Zack forced a shaky smile at Cloud, trying to search his words for hidden meaning, but was unable to put together anything that made sense.

* * *

Not much else was spoken between them for the remainder of the night, and sitting through an aura of both comfort and tentative regard didn't help in the conversation any. They both became hungry, but it was too late to grab anything in the mess hall and Zack sheepishly realized that he hadn't gone shopping lately due to the non-stop missions he was put on since he returned to Midgar.

So Zack actually took amusement in making them both peanut butter sandwiches, which was in all honestly about the only thing he knew how to make, aside from the ramen he could microwave, of course. But if he wasn't feeling too lazy, he would actually boil the water and wait patiently, and then take pride as if he took the time to create it all himself. It tasted the same, however, and he never could quite understand why people chose doing things the long conventional way versus the easy – and fast for his lack of patience – microwaveable way.

Nine o'clock rolled around slowly, and Cloud mumbled something halfheartedly about his liberty coming to an end. Zack knew he was lying but said nothing about it. Cloud looked reluctant to leave, as did Zack, but Zack just smiled and told him they'd see each other soon. They kissed modestly and then parted with the taste of peanut butter on their lips.

Cloud made his way back down to the barracks where he went ignored by most of the men as he entered. It seemed as if no one knew about the incident and he was a little relieved, but still wary. He received no lingering stares, no wolf whistles or sexual remarks. Nothing. A few casual greetings and a few inquiries as to why he was on light-duty again, but he just simply stammered a lie about a mishap in materia training and they accepted the excuse and went about their business, so he went about his.

He crawled into his bunk and frowned at how different it was compared to Zack's bed. Zack's was softer, and despite the unbearable heat when he initially woke that day, it was all around a comforting feeling. His bed seemed cold in comparison, and he even had similar blankets to the ones on Zack's bed. In fact, he now wore more clothing than he did when he was at Zack's, he had the same amount of blankets with the same material, and yet he curled into himself for warmth.

He was surprised that he was this tired as he had slept most of the day away, but just figured it had something to do with the change in sleep patterns from being in the infirmary to being nervous all night in Zack's bed with him. Each time he would try and change positions as he dozed in the man's bed, Zack would let him move, but then immediately wrap his arms around him and pull him back into a similar position to the one he just adjusted from. It was somewhat frustrating and uncomfortable, but in the end he was safe in Zack's arms, and that's all he really wanted.

And now as he started to drift, he could hear the men's voices around him becoming quieter as people began to climb into their own bunks and settle down for the night. He could hear Kunsel's voice explaining something to those who were awake about the events of their day, and he could pick out a few familiar voices speaking with him. But all were eventually drowned out by the constant echo in his head from his memories, and that was what he fell asleep to.

* * *

Ratcliff had watched over Cloud as he entered the barracks and as he conversed briefly with the men, even though Ratcliff knew no one knew about what happened and knew no one was going to give him trouble over it. He watched as he readied himself to go to bed, and he watched as he fell asleep fairly quickly.

He had been somewhat willingly and unwillingly avoiding Cloud. After they returned from Kalm, Cloud was immediately admitted into the infirmary, and Ratcliff spent a good portion of that day being debriefed, ordered around, and then punished. He was hoping that by the time they got back to Midgar, Kunsel would have cooled off a bit, but that was far from the truth. After their debriefing, Kunsel spent a good twenty minutes chewing him, Kumpf and Zabalza out. It was just a disciplinary infraction on all their parts, but serious consequences occurred due to their bad judgment and negligence. Kunsel was tempted to sentence them all to the brig, but perhaps he did cool off just a bit and only sentenced them to serving the line in the mess hall and to setting up the conference rooms for the various meetings and such being held for the department heads. It wasn't so bad, but definitely kept them all busy.

It was hard working with those two when all they did was continue to ask him about the incident in Kalm, and he was ordered not to speak of it. He was never good at keeping secrets, but this was more than just a secret. This was _confidential information_, and yet he was never informed as to why it had to be held so tightly under wraps, especially from Zack. They seemed more concerned to keep this from Zack than from anyone else, and that's what he didn't understand.

After his punishment lifted he was scared to go and visit Cloud in the infirmary when he was actually able. He made it to the floor and was a few steps into the ward when he found himself just turning and leaving. He wondered how much did Cloud actually remember about what had happened. He didn't know what to say to Cloud when it became inevitable and he was forced to say something about it all, even if it was a lie.

When Cloud was finally released from the infirmary, Ratcliff was ashamed with himself because he actually _feared_ facing him for a lot of reasons. And at first he was relieved to see Zack enter the barrack searching for Cloud, but then he realized that he would have to face Zack as well, and he suddenly wished that he _had_ been thrown in the brig after all. He was selfish and pathetic.

Of course Zack could see right through him. That was undeniable. Most people could always see right through him with anything remotely important. Even someone as dimwitted as Kumpf noticed Ratcliff's infatuation with Cloud, so he could only guess as to how fast it would take for Zack to catch on to something being wrong. As soon as he saw Zack, his defenses were raised and yet his guard was down. He tried to focus his brain on answering as naturally as he could, and he had tried a bit too hard and his one verbal quirk that everyone had grown accustomed to hearing him say seemed to nervously retreat, and he was perhaps speaking too _normally_ versus _naturally_.

And that was the dead giveaway. Zack had caught onto that at the last moment when Ratcliff thought Zack had bought his _mandatory_ lie and he relaxed, if only a little. But that little bit was enough to let Zack know that everything that he thought that could be wrong, really was. But Zack never said anything, and that only seemed to make things worse for Ratcliff.

What made matters even more worse was when Zack caught him in the lie and still didn't call him out on it. And the seemingly impossible happened and Zack invited him out to dinner with him and Cloud, as if to rub it all in his face. He could do nothing but grin and bear it, and then drink most of the night away. It was bittersweet for him as alcohol quickly left him inattentive and took away his ability to control himself, but in this instance it was a fortunate thing. He became pleasantly drunk to where even if he confessed to everything, it would just come out in a string of drunken laughs and slurred mumbles, and Zack wouldn't have been able to understand it anyway.

And he had hid when Cloud entered the barracks. Slipping behind a group of men and pretending to be shuffling a deck of cards at the tables was all he could do as Cloud passed by, looking rather disheveled. Flight and avoidance, glossing things over, running away. No matter what he called it, how other people saw it as, it never could change his disgust with himself.

Now he was above in his bunk, listening to the men snoring in the barracks and wishing he was doing the same. He hadn't slept well; he wouldn't feel right if he did. Knowing what he knew, living with his actions, his insecurities – it made the concept of sleep unattainable. And as he lay there above Cloud, he could feel the bunk trembling as the boy tossed and turned. His noises of discomfort accompanying the nightmare he was most likely experiencing continued to remind Ratcliff of everything he wanted to soon forget.

He couldn't take it anymore. He slid off his bunk and landed beside Cloud who was on his back with his arm slung across his forehead. A soft sheen of sweat littered his skin, and it reflected the soft flood lights in the room, and reflected everything that was going on in his head as of late.

"Hey," he whispered, shaking his shoulder lightly.

Cloud's arm raised a bit as he opened his eyes, looking rather dazed. "Drill?"

"No, not a drill. You were having a bad dream."

"No I wasn't."

Ratcliff sat down on Elici's bed and smiled at Cloud nervously. "Oh. Sorry for waking you, then."

Cloud sat up, rubbing his face. He was silent for a while as he looked around. "...It's fine," he finally said. He looked down as he kicked the blanket off of himself and swung his legs over as if he were about to stand, but didn't move anymore.

"Um ... s-so how ... are you feeling?"

_How the hell do you think he's feeling, stupid? _Ratcliff winced at both the hollow question and the question in his inner thoughts.

"I'm fine," Cloud said blandly, still staring down at his legs.

"Nerves still hurting?"

"They're fine."

"Shoulder's okay?"

"I said I'm fine, Ratcliff."

"Yeah ..." He realized that he was trying too hard again, and attempted to relax himself, but just found that a strange silence fell over the both of them, as if they could pick up on each other's uncomfortableness and uncertainty.

And when Cloud finally spoke, it startled Ratcliff, almost as if he was not expecting him to say anything more, let alone what he actually then said. "Did ... you save me?"

Ratcliff shook his head slowly, not sure if Cloud was looking at him as he was busy staring down at the floor himself. "It was Kunsel, actually. I uh ... came a little late, y-yeah. I'm sorry." Yet another hollow gesture.

Cloud shook his head. "It's ... fine." And another hollow response. "There's nothing anyone could have done."

"No, that's not true ... I could've ... I ..."

"It's no one's fault, Ratcliff." Cloud looked off to the side and stared into the showers which were in solid darkness, so it was only a wonder what he was really looking at in there. "No one's fault but my own."

"Cloud, don't you think that!" Ratcliff said rather loudly, and then quieted his voice as a few people stirred in their bunks. "Don't you believe that, yeah."

Cloud scoffed, his shoulders bobbing briefly with it before returning to their slumped position. "Yeah, sure."

"And don't think that you're alone in all of this, either. When I said that I've been through it all, I really meant it, yeah."

The boy's eyes finally met Ratcliff's, his eyebrows meeting on his face in an expression of disbelief, almost offense.

Ratcliff shifted on the bed uncomfortably. His lip retreated back into his mouth where he nibbled on it in shame. "Yeah ... uh ... I never bothered to tell you this because I didn't think it was relevant before all of this. But ... M-Mejia and I ..."

Cloud just stared at him, searching his face for any sign of dishonesty, but he said nothing, nor did he express any emotion. He just waited for him to continue.

But Ratcliff debated it. He tossed his past around inside his head; he tossed about his own feelings. "We ... were together for a while. Things got bad, yeah. Real bad."

"O-oh."

"Yeah ... So trust me when I say I know what you've been through." Ratcliff went to reach out to touch Cloud on his knee, but stopped himself even before his muscles constricted to begin moving. "So please, my friend, I know this sounds like the shit you've heard before, but I mean it when I say you can talk to me, yeah."

Cloud nodded solemnly and whether it was out of respect for Ratcliff's confession, out of his own sense of nervousness, or even an actual agreement to take up his offer, Ratcliff wasn't sure.

"Anyway." Ratcliff pulled back the covers on Elici's bed and slipped inside. "I'll be right here if you need me for anything. Just try and get some sleep, yeah?"

"Yeah ... you too, Ratcliff." He watched as Ratcliff turned away in the bed, resting his head on his folded arm. He lay back down himself, but didn't feel as if he could fall back asleep again. He watched Ratcliff for a while, who was perfectly still as if he already fell back asleep. "Hey, Ratcliff?"

He stirred slightly. "Cloud?"

Cloud's eyes trailed up the bunk to where Graves' bunk lay empty. "... Where's Graves?"

Ratcliff slowly turned, looking at him from over his shoulder. He stared for several moments until he finally mustered up the will to speak, and his voice came out unsure and skeptical. "... You don't ... remember?"

"... No," Cloud said hesitantly, frowning as if he were trying to remember any explanation as to the man's whereabouts that he might have overlooked.

There was a chance that Cloud was trying to play ignorant, trying to use the incident to his advantage to test Ratcliff. Perhaps he was seeing if his explanation would change from what he previously had used prior to the incident in Kalm.

But Ratcliff just turned back onto his side to face the other way once more. "He's ..." He trailed off then, and Cloud listened as his breathing slowed.

"Ratcliff?" He watched for a few moments and repeated the man's name.

"... He's training," he finally said, his voice coming out a bit drowsy-sounding, or perhaps he was speaking carefully, "in SOLDIER boot camp. Don't you remember? He got promoted." And he waited for Cloud to pin him on his lie, but it never came.

"What? When?" was all he said.

"That's where he's been. I just found out when you were ... in the infirmary."

"Oh." Cloud lay back down slowly, pulling the covers over his shoulder as he was suddenly wracked with an unbelievable shudder. "I didn't get to apologize to him."

"For what?" Ratcliff refrained from turning again to look at him.  
"... It's nothing. Just about something I said to him, that's all."

They fell silent for a while, nothing but the usual sounds of the barracks playing across the uncertainty between the two men.

"Don't worry," Ratcliff finally said, "you'll get to say whatever you want to him when he gets back."

Cloud mumbled something that Ratcliff didn't quite understand, and it took him a while to realize that he fell back asleep. He wondered if Cloud would remember the conversation in the morning, then he wondered if he would buy his lie if he did.

Once again, he spoke too normally.

* * *

He wasn't dreaming this time – he was remembering. And if only he had been dreaming, he would have felt a little bit better about it, as if recalling such a memory of his own accord somehow made him weak.

There had been a lot of blood, and normally something like that didn't bother him that much, but seeing it spreading out beneath Cloud's body was something that he was unable to just simply ignore. And given this man's actions in the past with Ratcliff, he could only imagine what he had been intending to do.

Things had been so heated between him and Elici that he didn't hear the skirmish ahead in the materia cave. The sound of the monster that attacked the two men went unheard. Mejia's taunting order to Cloud, challenging him to take it on by himself didn't make it past their argument either. Cloud's hesitant but obedient response was drowned out by meaningless squabbles and threatening exchanges between them.

But they heard the gunshots; they heard Cloud's pained yells and cries. He could smell Mejia's cigarette suddenly, and when they reached the two, he saw the man standing casually by, watching as the boy bled out through a wound in his gut, lying next to a dying monster.

"What the fuck happened!"

Mejia removed the cigarette from his mouth slowly, his eyes scanning Graves as he squared his shoulders when he approached quickly. "What was that? You wanna say that one more time, grunt?"

"I said, 'What the fuck happened', _sir_." Graves' voice was thick with sarcasm, and he quickly glanced off to the side as both Ratcliff and Elici knelt down beside Cloud to try to tend to the wound with what little they had.

The SOLDIER scoffed and chucked the cigarette down into the puddle of blood lying beneath Cloud. It briefly sizzled as it extinguished in the liquid. "Better watch yourself, grunt."

"Or what?" Graves took a step towards the man, a sharp breath being released from his nose as he closed in the gap between them.

"Well, seeing as I'm the only one with any Restore materia, you better watch your fuckin' mouth if you want me to heal him."

Ratcliff stood up, his fingertips dripping with Cloud's blood. "Mejia, you can't be serious!"

"My team is being very insubordinate with me today," Mejia said, rolling around a piece of healing materia in his palm. "Strife at first disobeys my order to attack, and now your smart-ass is questioning me." He shook his head and pocketed the materia. "I am given the power to discipline my men as I see fit."

"_Discipline_ and _torture_ are two different things," Graves muttered, kneeling down beside Cloud who was trying to sit up, but let out a stifled cry as more blood seeped from his stomach. "Shit, kid, don't move." As Cloud quieted, Graves could hear Ratcliff whispering something to Mejia and he briefly looked over.

Ratcliff had tugged on Mejia's arm, pulling his attention away from the men. His eyes briefly met Graves', and Graves nodded.

"What do you want?" was what Ratcliff said under his breath, and Mejia just grinned slowly, their eyes locking.

"I think you know what I want," he muttered back.

"I told you, no more. I'm done with your shit, yeah."

"Well I'm not done with you."

Graves tried to ignore them as he dipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out the materia he and Elici had been fighting over not moments before.

"What're you doing?" Elici whispered, motioning down to the materia as Graves held it and it began to glow with a soft green hue. "You're gonna get into some deep shit if you use that."

"Would you rather have Cloud fuckin' bleed to death?"

Elici was pressing hard on Cloud's stomach, trying to stop the bleeding with what looked like a meager handkerchief. He quickly glanced over Graves' shoulder as Ratcliff seemed to have Mejia distracted with a rather suspicious-looking conversation. He had always assumed something went on between those two, but never had any evidence backing up that assumption as Ratcliff could be rather secretive, despite his friendliness. There was definitely something there, but unless Ratcliff would tell him on his own accord, he wasn't going to pry; it wasn't his place or business.

"Fine, just hurry it up, and then you put that shit back where it belongs," Elici finally said lowly, glancing over his shoulder.

Graves glanced between his hands hovering above Cloud's heaving stomach, and over his shoulder at Ratcliff who was tugging on Mejia's arm each time he tried to turn back towards them. He heard bits and pieces of the conversation, and it was mostly Ratcliff rather slyly baiting Mejia with vague possibilities, but never affirmed agreements to anything that that man could want. It was enough to keep him distracted while Cloud's wound slowly began to close. He had never been that great with materia, but whatever he could do right now would be far better than simply waiting by and playing Mejia's stupid game.

"Hurry, Graves."

"Shuddup, I got this."

Ratcliff's eyes briefly shot over, then back up to Mejia as the man was muttering something to him. A horrified expression soon covered Ratcliff's face, and his hand went to his mouth in what looked like either disgust, or offense. He stood staring at Mejia, unmoving, unblinking.

"What the hell just happened over there?" Elici whispered, watching as Ratcliff's other hand dropped from Mejia's arm, releasing him finally. "Shit, Graves, stop, stop, stop!"

Mejia turned, seeing the familiar green glow against the men above Cloud. "Hey! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Where the fuck did you get that materia!"

Graves glanced over his shoulder, cursing under his breath. "Well, at least the bleedin' stopped," he muttered, turning back to face Elici before he stood. There was a brief feeling of hands over his suddenly, and the materia was quickly ripped from his grasp and pulled against Elici's body. "The fuck, bro?"

Mejia approached them and they stood together slowly, stiffly. "I don't remember giving you the order to heal Strife! And where the _fuck_ did you get that materia!" He pointed down with a freshly lit cigarette between his fingers to the orb in Elici's hand.

"Sir," Elici began, straightening, "given the history of your past infractions, it was in the best interest–"

"I don't need you telling me what's in my best interest!"

"... I meant Strife's, actually, sir."

A brief silence passed between everyone, save for Cloud who was panting heavily and struggling to sit up. He was trying not to continue to cry out in what they could only imagine was an impressive amount of pain given the blood he had spilled.

Graves was staring at Elici wide-eyed. Why in the hell was he taking the heat? Not three minutes before they were nose-to-nose arguing about the morality of his actions of pocketing the materia, and now Elici was manning up _for_ _him_ with that same materia in his hand, taking the blame.

"You've been briefed of the collecting of materia before. Those fuckin' scientists in the Fusion room don't like it used before they inspect it, so put that shit back now," Mejia mumbled around a cigarette. His eyes were boring through Elici, but the man just stood there obediently straight.

"Yes, sir."

Mejia just waved him off angrily as he knelt down and roughly pushed Cloud back onto the ground as he tried to sit up again. "Don't fuckin' move." He looked over his shoulder and nodded Ratcliff over, who approached with that same distressed face he had not moments before. "Get over here and help if you care about him that much."

Elici and Graves stood back as Ratcliff rummaged through a sack for what little medical supplies they had, and as Mejia almost reluctantly began to heal Cloud. He was first shouting about how Cloud was weak and couldn't handle one monster on his own, but then drifted into shouting back at Elici for his insubordination. They just ignored him.

"Bro, why'd you do that for me?" Graves whispered, watching as Elici put the materia back in with the rest of the collection they found.

"Because you weren't afraid of sticking your neck out for Cloud."

"So why would ya stick yer neck out for me?"

Elici was quiet for a while, just watching as Mejia finished healing Cloud's wound, and as Ratcliff cleaned him up as best as he could. "Damn," he finally said, "you're dense sometimes."

* * *

He had realized it a while ago. His words and actions towards Elici were always so immature, full of disregard for his way of thinking and upholding of his sense of morals. Morals to Graves were just things that he always saw as a guideline – a thin guideline – for people who weren't strong enough to find their own path through life and decide things for themselves and stick with their decisions once made. He felt that 'right and wrong' were too ambiguous of ideas that couldn't be justified or validated by society telling him how to act or what to believe. He saw right and wrong as opinions, nothing more, and he really didn't care much for other people's opinions on how he should live his life. He hadn't the patience to sit and wait to be told by other people what was right and wrong, so he felt that experiencing and finding out on his own suited him best.

_"I fuckin' bet, if it came down to it, ya'd never have my back, would ya?"_

Graves wasn't dense. He just didn't believe the reasoning behind Elici's actions at first. He stuck his neck out for Cloud on more than one occasion. He stuck his neck out for Ratcliff as well, and even Elici. Despite his apathetic demeanor to his friends most of the time, he would always come to their aid if they needed him. Each person had their role in their tiny circle of friends, and his was the protector. If he couldn't be the comforting one, if he couldn't be the leader, he at least wanted to be useful and protect.

But Elici was a man tied to duty; his actions were always so methodical and proper. So for the man to turn around and take the heat when Graves had thrown him under the bus not moments before with his assumption … he felt a bit remorseful. To not trust the man or the true friendship he finally realized he had with him … Graves never regretted much in life, but it was too late – he couldn't take it back. He could do nothing but try and repent for everything in the only way he knew how.

Elici always did have his back, and to Graves, what he was doing was right.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Six: No Strings Attached.

Ending Author's Note: So finally, that dream from aaaaalllll the way back from chapter fourteen has been continued. Sorry it took so long to continue it, but had to get through the whole Kalm arc, and you know how good ol' Ziggy can draw out a day into like … five chapters. Heehee.

Ugh … so get this. Bought a new computer (er … two actually …) and long story short, while removing my old hard drive, it got damaged and I lost everything. I lost all of my artwork, all of my photos and photography, all of my anime and music … and my fan-fics.

GASP.

Luckily I was smart enough to send Malady and Existing to my e-mail before it all happened, so those are the only two survivors. You, my friends, are very lucky. Because if something happened to them … I would probably go insane and never finish them out of mourning and/or bitterness.

Anyway, hope everyone enjoyed this chapter, and thank you for reading and reviewing. :3 The next chapter will be out February 23rd (day before my birthday!) for all you lovely people. See you all then.

-Ziggy


	26. Chapter TwentySix: No Strings Attached

Chapter Twenty-Six: No Strings Attached

* * *

He was hitchhiking in the back of a truck, trying to keep the wind from blowing out his cigarette. He managed to keep it lit long enough to smoke it halfway down to the filter before he actually grew tired of it and chucked it off into the plains they drove through.

Chasing Mejia out of Kalm was the easy part. It was keeping up with him that was next to impossible. Graves was a fit man and had impressive stamina, but it was nothing compared to someone infused with mako and Jenova cells. Even with a wound in the man's gut, he still managed to flee from his sight effortlessly. But with a wound like that, he must have not gone very far before he had to stop and nurse it. Mejia had fled Kalm abruptly; he was unprepared, or so, at least Graves hoped.

Graves doubted that Mejia would have gone back to Midgar, and unless he owned his own sea vessel, the only way off the continent was Junon. Since Junon was teeming with Shin-Ra, he wouldn't stay there for long, if even any time at all. But besides Midgar and Kalm, there really wasn't anything worth staying on the continent for, so Graves figured he was possibly heading towards the western continent in search of … well, whatever someone like Mejia could possibly search for. It certainly wasn't forgiveness, Graves was sure of that.

Without a helicopter, the only way to get to Junon was through the Mythril cave. And the only way to get to that was through the marshes. So Graves stopped off at the chocobo farm the previous day and agreed to rent a chocobo to cross them, even though he didn't believe in that old wives tale about the so-called Midgar Zolom. Just a bunch of hot air to him, really. But he had paid a little extra for the large yellow bird for a bit of information.

The old man in the farm had told him a young man had stopped by the night before with a nasty wound, and Graves cursed to himself. He was a day behind. How the hell was he a day behind? It took Graves two days to get there on foot, with minimal stops to rest. There were hardly no vehicles that passed between Kalm and the chocobo farm this time of year since the miners from Kalm were all back in the town. But Mejia must have hitched a ride or obtained some sort of vehicle to get that far that quick.

But the old farmer said that the young man rented a chocobo after spending the night in their guest bed and left the next morning, which suggested he hitched a ride to get there initially. Perhaps family members drove him as far as the farm once Graves lost sight of him, but he wasn't entirely sure. All he knew was that he had to catch up to him. He didn't have much else of a plan, admittedly. He was never one for thinking things through, and it seemed to do him well enough throughout the years and throughout his decisions.

So after spending a few hours rest at the farm, he took the yellow bird and was quite thankful that it was a fast one, and that he could get a bit more rest on it. His legs were tired, and at first he was shocked to be experiencing this feeling. He had never really known fatigue.

Growing up as a child in Corel there was no time to be tired. His uncle Barret was constantly drilling him and pushing him to work hard in the coal mines with him. He never once minded. It kept his overabundance of energy focused on something positive, versus losing it to trouble with the other children of the dusty town. Boredom struck Graves rather quick and he usually was unable to stop himself from instigating something. Even now that he was older, he still was short-fused and fidgety.

But that energy was able to fuel his will and drive to be a stronger man. He was able to detach his physical limitations from his brain and push himself beyond the expected. Fatigue was just another word he heard people use – almost like excuses – to gloss over their own failures. It wasn't like he never became tired, as that would be a lie and as soon as lights-out hit he was the first to fall asleep, but he felt that sometimes his body didn't register the aftereffects of a strenuous workout. Sweat was accumulated on his skin, of course, but muscles never burned, joints never ached, lungs never became dry.

So for the first time he had rubbed his knees in an attempt to soothe the continuous ache in them. He had ran a good distance after him – at least four miles straight, but riding the chocobo the long six hours from the farm and through the marshes gave him ample time to recover. He had passed through the murky waters and came upon the corpse of an impossibly large snake, and be damned his previous belief on the rumored creature. At first, he wondered if Mejia had killed it, as it had been sliced right through the skull by a blade. It seemed like a SOLDIER style kill, but it was already beginning to decompose and fill water with its flaky flesh and the air with the stench of death. It had at least been a couple of days, and he could only sit and wonder if there were more lurking about, so he quickly trudged on.

The cave was a bit hard to maneuver through since the chocobo refused to enter and he was forced to traverse through it on foot. By the time he reached it, nightfall came and did little to nothing to light the way through in what few cracks there were in the ceiling. He opted to use his cigarette lighter at first, but on second thought he didn't want to waste the lighter fluid in fear of not knowing when he'd come across a lighter next. Junon was still a far ways away. At least a few more days, and he would rather be without cigarettes than lighter fluid.

There was something about running out of cigarettes first that bothered him less than having them but being without a means to light them. Sucking on the filter for the taste and nicotine proved fruitless and rather pathetic in his mind. So he saved the fluid and walked through slowly with his assault rifle in hand and the seabag across his back with anything and everything he owned. He hadn't much, but then again he never really did have much to begin with. He only needed a few things to survive, and all of that fit neatly into his bag.

A few miles through the cave seemed to last for a while, but eventually the morning began to light the winding and narrowing paths through the ceiling, and the previously difficult trek was now reduced to nothing more than the occasional stumble on a rock or small pool of water hidden in the shadows. His traveling time was reduced in the light of the day, and his pace began to pick up despite the nagging urge to sleep that hovered over him.

He had only stopped briefly to rest and drink from a stream of water that trickled down from a stalactite, and he refilled his canteen since it at least tasted clean. He had snacked on the leftover greens from the chocobo before they withered. It tasted revolting – bitter and sharp – but he knew it was packed with vitamins and potassium that he needed to maintain and protect his muscles, and to help keep him going. He wasn't going to be stopped. This man didn't deserve to continue breathing, so with a grimace, the leafy feed was consumed.

Finally he exited the cave. He had never been to Junon before, but the worn map he had from their Land Navigation courses was in hand and coveted and memorized as he began to plan a course for the city. There was nothing on this side of the continent but a few nameless villages scattered about, and a place called Fort Condor. From what he heard, it had a mako reactor on top, so perhaps he would be able to hitch a ride from a maintenance vehicle passing to and from Junon to it.

A day passed through the plains and not one sign of any sort of transport or any sign of human life really passed by. Admittedly, Junon was a bit farther than Graves expected, or perhaps his pace was slowed due to lack of sleep and inadequate food. He himself hadn't prepared for this. His body just seemed to move on its own and told him what his ultimate goal was. It did nothing to help him along in thinking things completely through, so whatever he had in his locker and whatever non-perishable food he could find in the chow hall before he left was all he brought with him. Graves was a big man and required an equally big meal, so for him to go this long without ravishing some sort of once living substance was a miracle on its own.

He had tried to catch a few jackrabbits running through the fields to skin and cook, but for once his robust frame worked against him, and he only managed to lumber after them and scare them away. He could almost hear the assuring comments to try again from Ratcliff, the soft laughter from Cloud and the jeering taunts from Elici in his mind as he chased after the creatures, and that's when he knew he needed sleep. It was only when he became drowsy from a long day when his mind would turn to such useless and weak thoughts – memories – and he hated himself for even thinking these things.

So, not wanting to think about such things anymore, he reluctantly found a temporary home near a cluster of boulders and propped himself up against them. Somnolence came quick, and if it hadn't been for the rumbling of the truck that approached from behind, he would have slept through his ride to Junon as it passed. A hasty scramble to collect his things, and he managed to call attention to the driver with a piercing whistle of his fingers between his lips.

At first the driver was a bit reluctant, and as was Graves for it was a Shin-Ra truck, but the grunt just nodded and motioned for him to climb in back and shut the hell up once Graves gratefully and almost uncharacteristically thanked him several times. He was relieved, it was a godsend, really, and through each mile they drove through, he felt as if he were coming that much closer to Mejia.

Twenty reps would skip into the thirties, thirty-something would drop back down to somewhere in the high twenty range unconsciously, and then a frustrated and tired sigh would accompany his inability to keep track and count properly as he used the weight machines.

He had managed to run a mile or two on the treadmill and found it was easier than he thought it was going to be for his body. To push himself meant that he was required to empty his thoughts and stare blankly ahead to the dingy wall in the gym, which meant he was clear of any lingering thoughts of Kalm. But the more and more he used the machines, and given the lack of visual stimulation to keep him distracted, he increasingly became bored and his mind began to wander around to places it should have stayed far, far away from. Having no one to talk to when his mind was unable to hold onto the concept of staying empty was no help either, and so as he used the leg press machine and attempted to keep track of his reps, memories would creep into his mind and latch onto his current thoughts, rendering the attempt to keep count useless.

* * *

Skipping numbers, repeating numbers, completely losing track, it didn't matter how he was messing up, it just mattered that it was happening and frustrating him greatly.

The sound of the weights clanking together as Cloud lowered the press down struck through his head and he winced, partially because it was a shrill noise, and partially because it drew unwanted attention to him from some nosy gym-goers who seemed to turn and look at him and the offensive noise. At least, it felt like he was drawing unwanted attention everywhere he went. He tried to tell himself that it was all in his head and that no one knew about the incident, but he couldn't help but keep his already lowered gaze even lower to the ground as he walked about the halls of Shin-Ra. And yet, no one said anything to him, but embarrassment and guilt were powerful mechanisms in dictating his actions.

He contemplated showering in the locker room of the gym but there was a good number of men in there, and just the thought of being near them made his heart race and his stomach turn. He tried to tell himself that they wouldn't harm him, that there were cameras and it was a much too public place, but he couldn't be rid of the nagging 'what if' that continuously played in his head. He had taken a shower in the infirmary when he was strong enough, and in Zack's apartment, but he had yet to venture into the unit's locker room nude to clean himself. He knew he couldn't avoid it forever, but he couldn't stop but think of all the hazing stories he had heard, both amusing and embarrassing, and of all the beatings and rape stories ….

Cloud wondered why none of that had really happened to him once he joined. He had a few intimidating encounters in the halls, he had even found himself in a few scraps before, all of which he only received a few bruises, but never anything more. A group of men had roughed him up a bit and tried to force him to wear a woman's dress, but he managed to fight back until Graves appeared and took care of the stragglers. It didn't take him long to realize that he had his friends to watch over him, especially Graves. With that large man lurking behind him, it was no wonder that most infantrymen never even gave Cloud a second glance, despite his appearance of being an easy target.

But right now with the thoughts that were swimming about in his head, he'd rather stay sweaty than run the risk of showering with men from other units that he didn't know, and not having anyone around to back him up if something were to happen. It was so silly, he thought, but he couldn't stop himself.

So he slipped out of the gym, the muscles in his thighs burning with the remnants of his workout routine. The doctors had told him to take it easy, but he didn't care. He had nothing else to do with his time, so working out and trying to gain his coordination and strength back was about all he could think of doing. His books were all read and retired, magazines didn't interest him much, all of the Shin-Ra exhibits he already memorized each of the information placards relating, and going off the compound to the city was only fun with the company of friends. Elici was dead, Graves was in SOLDIER boot camp, according to Ratcliff, and Ratcliff himself was … well, acting strange.

There was a few minutes of free time the men had between orders earlier that day, and Cloud had tried to talk to the man to inquire more about Graves. But Ratcliff just laughed him off awkwardly and changed the subject to whatever the men were scheduled to do that day. Which, of course, was just the usual routine that was like second nature to them now, and wasn't really touched on in conversation anymore with the men of the unit, so that only made things seem more strange.

Cloud made his way to the elevator and pressed the button for the 1st Class SOLDIER housing floor. It was a bit late in the afternoon, not yet dinnertime, so he only wondered if Zack was available. He worried that he was being too clingy by going back to his apartment and wanting to see him, but he didn't feel like being alone. There were times where he did feel uncomfortable when he was around Zack, but it was more with himself than the man, but despite that, there was no other he could think of that could make him feel as safe.

The beep of the keypad sounded with Zack's code as Cloud entered it and he opened the door to an empty and soundless hallway. It was quite eerie to him, and he wondered if anyone else besides Zack lived on that floor, but then remembered hearing a door close every now and then while he was visiting. His mind trailed back to Sephiroth who had helped him into Zack's apartment when his arms were too full. He watched the quiet doorways as he passed, and he could only guess as to which one the hero lived in. He assumed that two of them had to have been Angeal's and Genesis' as well, but had never heard anyone moving about in them, let alone leaving or entering. It really was a depressing hallway.

Cloud hesitated when he reached Zack's door before knocking so softly that even he didn't hear it. He paused, and when there was no response, he tried again, a bit too loudly. He grimaced at the intensity of it and almost wished that Zack wasn't there to hear the embarrassingly forceful knock.

Zack wasn't there.

Cloud sighed to himself and leaned up against the wall next to his door, just … waiting. There was nothing else he could do. He would wait for a while, and if the man didn't show from whatever he was doing, then he would return to the barracks to do exactly the same thing. Nothing. He was still awaiting orders for his light-duty, and was both dreading it, and longing for it. He needed distractions, he needed mental stimulation. The quiet day of lounging in the barracks while everyone else was out in the swim qualifications was doing nothing for his wayward thoughts.

And this wasn't helping either.

His sneakers squeaked against the tile as he lowered himself down onto the floor. His hands and bottom were cold against the tile, his back cold against the wall. The soft breeze from the vents above was just as cold, and the silence around him – unbearable. Shrugging into himself did nothing to warm him, but only caused a spasm to course through his body, which he tried to control by bracing himself against the wall. He relaxed when it was over and then wondered if he should have not thrown the medication out when he received them. His extremities still were a combination of tingling and numbness from the shock. Random twinges of pain would strike through the constant sensitivity of his nerves, his joints were stiff and achy.

Cloud thought he heard the beep of the door at the end of the hallway, but when he lifted his head and listened, nothing ever came of it. He wasn't sure how long he sat there for after that, but the pain in his body began to slowly subside, and he might have even begun to feel warm again. Eventually, his eyes began to sink closed and he could feel a slight heat of his skin from his knees against his cheek, but never realized that he had lowered his head down onto them. But that tiny warmth was all he needed to push through the lonely cold, and he fell asleep.

* * *

There was someone asleep in the hallway.

A young cadet, actually, asleep against the wall in the hallway by Zack's quarters.

Why … was there a boy sleeping in a restricted 1st Class SOLDIER only area?

Sephiroth stopped near the boy and stared at him for a few moments, trying to piece together who this person was and why he was possibly sleeping outside of Zack Fair's apartment. It wasn't until the boy stirred and his knees dropped to reveal his face did Sephiroth recognize him. The name eluded him for a moment, but he definitely knew him to be Zack's young friend – the one he had saved from that 3rd Class only a few weeks ago outside the barracks. He had been following up on that incident here and there between mounds of paperwork and his own business, and he was a bit disturbed to find out that it had happened again during the cadet's simple mission to Kalm.

And he was even more disturbed to read that it was to be kept entirely confidential, specifically mentioning from one Zack Fair. That was another strange question that left Sephiroth mildly intrigued, but the more pressing anomaly was the softly breathing blond sitting rather awkwardly against the wall.

He contemplated just letting sleeping dogs lie, but without Zack's presence, the cadet really had no clearance – let alone a reason – to be there in such a restricted area. Sephiroth knew the cadet was on a temporary lift of duty, but that still gave him no viable defense to be there. If Zack wasn't home, then the boy belonged elsewhere, preferably the barracks with his peers.

But, regardless, it was Zack's friend, and he knew that Zack would be quite cross with him if he found out that he woke the cadet and sent him away. He had enough to deal with; he didn't need Zack scolding him for disturbing his business with this person. Perhaps Zack arranged to meet the boy at his quarters and the 1st Class was just late in arriving. On further thought, the boy was only recently discharged from the infirmary, according to the reports, so perhaps he wasn't sleeping.

Sephiroth cleared his throat softly, watching him for any signs of rousing him. A second clearing of his throat proved fruitless, and by now he found himself squatting and tilting his head to see his face better. The boy looked flushed – perspiring even, but the hallways were kept a cooler temperature, so it was a bit odd to see that on his skin. On inspection, however, he looked as if he were dressed in training wear, so perhaps he came from the gym or a physical fitness test.

Or perhaps he was drunk and deposited here as some sort of prank by his fellow infantryman. Either way, he couldn't be just left lying there.

"Cadet?"

Only the sound of his light breathing was Sephiroth's response, and he frowned briefly before mulling around the idea of shaking him awake. If the boy was really that tired, then a rest on his couch until Zack arrived would probably be the best course of action, if need be. He imagined that Zack would be just as angry with him if he found out that he simply walked past the cadet without a second glance as he lay possibly ill in the hallway.

He was surprised to hear himself sigh and hadn't realized that the simple act of a sleeping cadet in the hallway could cause him this much qualm. As cold as it sounded, he didn't so much care about the cadet as much as he cared about not hearing Zack's relentless whining and more than exasperating griping. Zack's behavior was challenging at times, and Sephiroth found himself bending the rules to tailor to the SOLDIER's approval. Whatever kept the complaining to a minimum, Sephiroth was somewhat willing to comply.

He then realized that a quick call to Zack to see if he was expecting this person's company, then a call to the infirmary or commanding officer afterwards, depending, would remedy everything and he could be clear of his nagging conscience and go on with his business. So he retrieved his phone and paused for a moment until Zack's phone number registered in his head and he dialed.

It rang a few times until he realized that it was ringing in the ear that he wasn't holding the phone to, and he looked over to see Zack trotting through the door with an impressively worried look on his face.

"Cloud!"

Sephiroth snapped his phone shut and stood calmly, already picking up on Zack's edgy vibe as he neared. "It seems that your friend grew tired of waiting for you."

"Is he okay?" Zack immediately dropped to his knees, almost tenderly brushing the boy's hair away from his face, and Sephiroth wasn't sure if he was just over-speculating as he caught that minute gesture.

"I've only just recently found him like this. I was trying to contact you to see if you were expecting him, and what you would have liked me to do with him in the meantime. I was going to wake him and have him wait in my quarters for you if I couldn't get a hold of you."

Zack looked up at the man with a shocked expression, but then it melted into a look of gratitude. "Thanks, Sephiroth. I'll take it from here."

Sephiroth glanced down to Zack's hand carelessly placed on the cadet's thigh, and the eyebrows that he trained to remain rather motionless on his face lifted a little, but nothing more. "I'll leave it to you, then."

Zack waited until Sephiroth turned and continued down the hallway towards his quarters. The sound of his footsteps echoing was driving Zack crazy, and did nothing to help the sense of panic he was experiencing with Cloud lying unconscious by his apartment. Sephiroth finally disappeared into his own apartment, and Zack wasted no time in throwing his door open and scooping the boy up in his arms.

The couch was closer – no, too uncomfortable. Zack nudged open his bedroom door and lay Cloud down on his bed that he didn't bother to make from the night before. Was he cold? He was shivering a bit, but his skin was feeling as if he was either becoming damp and warm, or cooling down from it. Zack removed his running shoes for him and covered him with the blanket. Cloud's face was peaceful, actually, and now he couldn't tell if he was just sleeping or something more, but the panic never left him.

"Cloud?" He squatted down next to the bed and put his ear close to his mouth as his head slumped off towards him. He was breathing normally, so he moved his ear towards his chest. His heart was beating normally. "Angel? Hey ..." He reached out and shook his shoulder lightly, finally receiving a response. It was a soft mutter and a wrinkling of his eyebrows as if agitated that he was disturbed. "Cloud, wake up."

"... Sleeping," he finally mumbled and Zack sank to his knees in relief when he realized he was somewhat cognitive.

"Are you sure?"

Cloud just nodded a few times against the pillow and turned to his side to curl up, never opening his eyes.

"Do you want me to let you go back to sleep ...?" Zack wasn't even sure if Cloud was awake enough to have him go back to something he probably never even left to begin with, considering. "Cloud?" he said after a moment of silence.

"... A little longer."

"Okay," he said, chuckling lightly, "just a little longer." Zack watched as Cloud shifted, drawing the blanket over his shoulder and tucked it beneath his chin. He settled after adjusting his position and his breathing perhaps trailed off into snoring.

It was to be expected after what Cloud went through. A week wasn't sufficient time in recovering, so it really came as no surprise to Zack that Cloud would be so tired as to fall asleep in the hallway given his injuries. He smirked at the thought of what would have happened if Sephiroth had woken him and brought him into his private quarters to wait. The mental image of Cloud gasping heavily and staring wide-eyed at the silver-haired hero brought a soft smile to his face.

Even Zack had never ventured in there, let alone was even invited in, but perhaps it was only because his own place was two doors down. Sephiroth had stepped into his apartment once to wait for him before a meeting as Zack was running a bit late, and Zack never did understand why the man bothered to be late to the meeting himself for Zack's sake. He remembered that day, despite Sephiroth's slight annoyance in his tardiness, that they walked to the meeting together at a surprisingly slow pace. Strolling, even, and of course Shin-Ra affairs were the main topics of conversation, but even a bit of personal business was brought up between them. It was nice to have someone to talk to, and perhaps Sephiroth was just in need of some company, as this was after the loss of Genesis and Angeal.

_Some company …, _Zack thought, brushing his hand across Cloud's forehead. _We all need that sometimes, don't we, Cloud?_

* * *

It was so warm; his whole body enveloped in both a natural heat, and the heat from a tender embrace. The first thing he saw when his eyes blinked open were the array of bright orange hues of the sun setting past a familiar window. The white walls were dusted with the luminance of the evening, lined with the shadows of the blinds, creating a sense of comfort, and what Cloud thought would feel like security.

Perhaps it was the blankets tucked around him that made him feel secure, or perhaps it was the body he lay against with arms that held him both strongly, yet gently. It took him no time to realize who he lay nuzzled against, and before his eyes could even adjust to this person, the man's name was already rolling from his lips.

"Zack ..."

Zack breathed in softly, as if he was beginning to doze himself and the sound of Cloud's voice had woken him up. The hand that he had placed against Cloud's forehead instantly began to resume the caressing that it had been doing as the boy slept. "Hey, have a nice snooze?"

"How long was I asleep for?" Cloud said, drowsiness lingering in his voice.

His hand didn't stop stroking his face as he stared down at him. Zack was propped up against the simple headboard of his bed and the man had pulled Cloud into his lap as he slept, and the blankets were draped around them both. "About two hours. You didn't want me to wake you."

"Were you w-watching me the whole time?"

"Yep," he said casually, his voice light with content.

"... Why?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"... Weren't you bored?"

"How could I be?" That content tone never wavered as he answered, each word confident.

Cloud began to sit up but the muscles in his shoulders and back tensed, sending a strike of pain and imbalance through his body. He stuttered out a groan and lowered himself back down onto Zack's lap unwillingly.

"You okay?" Zack said, smoothing Cloud's hair away from his face to see a pained look in his eyes.

"Y-yeah," he finally muttered, his head nodding a little, "I think I over did it a bit in the gym."

Zack stared down at him incredulously. "The gym?" He paused, as if waiting for Cloud to say otherwise. Why in the hell was he going to the gym in his condition? "Are you sure you should be doing that!" Zack hadn't realized how loud he had snapped that.

Cloud finally sat up, careful not to cause himself any more discomfort, or perhaps it was to fool Zack that he was fine. "... Why ... wouldn't I be ...?" he said slowly. Why ... would Zack ask him something like that?

They stared at each other, both trying to look into the other and dissect their words and now cautious behavior between them.

Zack offered up a rather silly-looking grin – goofy and somewhat unbelievable. "B-because ... you know," he started, tossing around any possible excuse for saying something so particular and particularly suspicious. "... You might make the other guys jealous in there." He rather lamely squeezed Cloud's upper arm, as if Cloud was flexing, and he was testing the strength of his muscles.

Cloud suddenly looked irritated and shrugged Zack's hand away. "Are you patronizing me?"

"No, no!" Zack said, forcing a chuckle. "Sorry, I tend to say stupid things when I'm happy."

"Happy?" That irritated look dissipated into one of curiosity. "Something good happened today?"

"Well ... yeah. I was having a shitty day, and I came home to find a present sitting by my door."

"A present?" Cloud tilted his head back to get a better look at Zack.

"You, of course."

"Oh please, Zack," Cloud said, rolling his eyes – something he seldom did, save for when they were together. "You really do say stupid things."

They laughed together then, but Cloud stopped short as another twinge of pain crept through his shoulders and he winced once more.

"If you're that sore, why don't you take a hot shower? It might loosen up your muscles." He danced his fingertips across Cloud's shoulder as if to simulate the water from the shower, or perhaps it was just to get him to smile.

He didn't smile, however, but swallowed – hard, in fact. He looked nervous for a brief moment, but then that smile that Zack wanted to see tugged onto his face as he spoke. "Yeah, that could work."

Zack stood first and watched as Cloud climbed out of the bed carefully. Cloud's knee wobbled slightly, and Zack wrapped his arms around him to steady him, but played it off as if it was just a simple hug. "Good, let's get it ready for you."

Cloud pulled away and had another grimace on his face, but not one from pain. "Um ... you can use it first, if you wanted. I can wait."

Zack laughed heartily, releasing him from his grasp. "Do I stink? Sorry, I told you I had a long and shitty day." He watched as Cloud looked away and began to nibble on his bottom lip.

"Why ... don't we take one together?" Cloud nearly whispered.

Now it was Zack's turn to swallow hard. He could almost feel himself break out into a sweat at the boy's words and he tried to still his eyes that flickered on Cloud in disbelief and hesitation.

There were plenty of reasons to say yes, but only one reason to say no. After all of the times that he had joked with Cloud about showering together, after all the times he made obvious innuendos of different intent to shower together, how could be possibly and seemingly ignore all of that?

But Cloud was trying to continue the facade of a progressing relationship, one not hindered with lurking demons, and Zack only hoped that it was for a taste of normalcy. Perhaps it was Cloud's personal way of coping, to trick himself into thinking that what happened to him was just part of some far-off nightmare that only existed when things weren't moving forward. Zack didn't know if that was a healthy approach, yet somewhere he believed there was more to it than that. There had to have been something or someone else pulling the strings of Cloud's behavior and erratic decisions.

It was Mejia, of course, but exactly what was said to Cloud would probably forever be hidden. And that was the one reason why Zack felt like he should say no. What if Cloud would start to think that Zack was trying to take advantage of him, as well? But if he said no, Cloud would surely pick up on Zack's awareness of the incident.

He hadn't realized that Cloud was tugging on his arm and pulling him into the bathroom.

* * *

Clothes were shed tentatively, as well as brief glances shared. The hiss of the shower could have been a soothing element to the nervousness that played between them, but it went ignored as the hamper was clumsily filled with a SOLDIER uniform, and the sink counter was covered with a neatly folded exercise outfit.

There was a sharp screech of the curtain rings scraping across the shower rod, and one was left to wonder why metal curtain rings were used for a metal bar. Steam began to billow from the tub, crawling through the air with the heat of the water quickly following it, merging together to surround the room in a relaxing comfort that only a shower could bring, and only if it was chosen to be enjoyed.

Cloud stepped in first after Zack tested the water, and he was trying to mask his obvious hesitation. He tried to tell himself that it was only showering, but when Zack stepped in after him and closed the curtain, that metallic screech was almost like an audible representation of his inner thoughts. At least he wasn't the one screeching, so he had some form of hope that he could get through this when things turned sexual.

"Warm enough?" Zack asked quietly, reaching up and adjusting the stream lower so it didn't hit the shorter boy in his eyes. It was then that Zack realized how much taller and formed he was compared to Cloud.

Cloud was, in all respect, fairly small. And now Zack was able to catch a better look at his nude body, not to ogle, but to try and assess his physical condition. He had never seen him without clothes, so he still didn't quite know what he looked like normally, but he had a general idea of what a boy of his age and height should look like. Cloud was lean, but wasn't malnourished, much to his relief. He had some good muscle forming, especially in his upper arms and pecs, and Zack nearly chuckled over how not five minutes before he was jokingly squeezing Cloud's biceps.

His thighs were a bit thin, but were proportionate with his calves. His feet were slightly larger for being so short, but he was still young and would grow into them; it was endearing. His bottom was … so cute.

Zack felt a bit funny for thinking that, but it really did look like the backside of a woman. He glanced down at his hands, then back to Cloud as the blond turned to reach for the bar of soap, and Zack could do nothing but picture his hand covering those cheeks and squeezing ….

_What the fuck is wrong with me! I shouldn't be thinking this …._

He scoffed at himself inaudibly when he realized he was getting an erection. It was pathetic – they were just showering together. They hadn't even done anything sexual, let alone even come into contact with each other, and here he was with a pathetic and raging hard-on. Zack blinked as he saw Cloud suddenly lower down to his knees in front of him, and his heart stopped in his chest. He should have been paying more damn attention to Cloud than to his urges. Had he collapsed?

"Shit, what happened?" Zack said, his voice slightly panicked. "Are you ok-" He then sucked in a sharp breath as he felt Cloud's mouth surround his member and begin to suck on him slowly. "Cloud!" He looked down at him dubiously, watching as the boy hadn't collapsed, but simply kneeled in front of him. It wasn't to pleasure him, but to _suck him off_.

Cloud responded with what sounded like a disinterested grunt, but over the hiss of the shower and the scolding of his brain, he couldn't exactly tell.

The water was warm, trickling down his body, heightening his senses along with the increasing pleasure in his groin. Cloud's soft hands were grasped firmly against his thighs, squeezing with his movements, bracing himself as he bobbed his head. It felt … so good, and it would have been even better had Cloud looked like he was actually enjoying it. Robotic – that was the perfect word to describe what he looked like. His body was rigid, shoulders squared, eyebrows level, eyes staring straight ahead into Zack's abdomen. Cloud himself wasn't even aroused.

"Cloud, stop." Zack wedged his hand between his body and Cloud's chin and actually managed to pry them apart without much resistance from him. "You don't have to do that."

"But-"

Zack didn't let him come close to finishing the sentence he knew he was going to say. 'But you looked like you wanted me to', or 'But don't we have to?' or any other part of a conversation they already had in the past. "We're just showering. That's it." He wasn't going to let Cloud argue with him either– not after what happened two nights ago and he succumbed to not-so-convincing words, but a really convincing hand beneath his underwear.

The blond stood with Zack's help and he suddenly looked ashamed, his face red and turned away.

"Look," Zack said, then adjusted his tone as it came out sounding irritated, and he then spoke softly. "I just wanted a shower with you, that's all. Honest."

Cloud found himself being pulled to Zack's warm chest, and he closed his eyes with a heavy, but inaudible sigh. He had noticed Zack looking at him not moments before, and he forced himself to not bolt from the shower, especially when he then noticed that the man was aroused. He was so confused. Mixed signals were coming from everywhere and were drowning out any of his own ideas or his own thoughts in his head when trying to decide what to do.

"Things ... don't always need to lead to ... sexual stuff, Cloud," Zack whispered, wrapping his arms around him with ease as the water was slick between them. "Sometimes it's just nice to share something like this together." He felt Cloud nod against him and he pressed a kiss down onto his wet hair, finally happy that the smell of the infirmary shampoo was gone. "This is what people who are together do with each other. Sometimes … there are no strings attached."

Cloud nodded again, thankful that the water was as hot as the tears that were now running down Zack's chest, but the man never noticed.

"Do you understand?"

Zack had meant every single word. He was glad in the outcome of deciding to shower with Cloud, hoping that it was going to drive the point home that he truly did care about him, and that things weren't the way Cloud pictured them to be between them. Whatever happened in the past with Mejia left Cloud spun, his views warped on what relationships were made of and what they needed to be. He couldn't think of any other way to prove to him that this was what love was supposed to be like. And he hoped that Cloud really did understand as he finally mumbled a quiet yes into his body.

They resumed their shower, standing closer to each other than what they had been, and Zack even managed to get a few chaste kisses to Cloud's head and lips without any tensing or hesitance from the boy. It was hard for Zack to calm himself and his urges, but he managed.

It was cramped, so they had to switch when one was rinsing and the other one was washing, but that was done with care as to not rub up against the other as they passed by. Admittedly, it was a bit ridiculous that they were doing what they were doing in such a tiny shower, but there was no doubt that it was a milestone for them, even if it was a strange one. Perhaps it was what they needed to build that trust that Zack was scared that he was losing.

When they were done, it was obvious that they both had calmed and eased into the experience, and Cloud himself looked peaceful – sleepy even – as they began to towel themselves off. Zack wrapped his towel around his waist and took Cloud's from his to pat off his back. The boy was yawning quietly, and Zack folded the towel around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze. He felt Cloud swaying a bit in his arms.

"Relaxed?"

Cloud nodded a few times, the once quiet yawns now louder and coming more frequently as he pulled away and began to slowly dress himself.

"C'mon, let's go to the room." Zack was now the one tugging on Cloud's hand and leading him out of the bathroom to his bedroom. He glanced at the clock – it was a few hours until Cloud would have to supposedly report back in for lights-out, even though he really didn't have to due to the light-duty. But he knew that Cloud was going to continue pretending like nothing happened and leave when it became a few minutes before nine like he normally would. Until then, Zack wanted to watch over him for a little while longer. "Why don't we rest for a while?"

Cloud watched as Zack climbed back into the bed and pulled the covers back for him. He paused for a moment, then crawled in after him and lay down when Zack urged him to. He didn't fight it that much as he was tired. Maybe he shouldn't have worked out at the gym as much as he did.

"If you fall asleep, I'll wake you up before you have to report back in."

"No ... we have a liberty tomorrow."

Zack watched as Cloud turned to his side and faced him, but didn't scoot any closer. "Wait, you have another liberty?"

"Yeah, today and tomorrow."

"Three days total?" Two was rare, three in a row was unheard of, even if he knew Cloud was lying about the whole unit having liberty, regardless.

"No," Cloud said, his voice beginning to trail off quickly, "two days. Yesterday was the first day."

"What? No, Cloud, yesterday we–"

"We ... went out for ramen ... remember?"

His mind was reeling, trying to make sense of what he was saying. Maybe he was just drowsy, maybe he was starting to lose track of the lies, and they were starting to contradict and overlap. But … it didn't make sense. It wasn't the days themselves that were the lies. Zack stared at him, watching him in confusion as Cloud fell asleep, murmuring nothingnesses to himself quietly.

_… That was two days ago, Cloud._

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Seven: Forced.

Ending Author's Note: Well, what the hell is Graves up to, renting chocobos and eating greens? What a strange, strange man. Heehee. Some of you asked about Sephiroth and where he went, so there was a bit more of the man for you. He intimidates me when writing him. He's such a complex character in my eyes, but I hope I managed to capture a bit of that in his short little cameo. Don't worry, though, he will be back later on. :3 (But for those of you who might be secretly hoping for a threesome between him and Clack, I'm sorry to inform you that this is strictly a Zack and Cloud. XD)

But heee, our boys took their first shower together, albeit it was awkward and possibly not the shower that Zack was hoping for this entire time. But hopefully it did let Cloud see that his intentions are true … despite the hard-on. *schoolgirl giggle* But maybe soon they can make up for this shower with one where they're doing anything BUT getting clean …

Anyway, thank you to all of you for reading, and reviewing! Also those who fave and alert it too! Thank you, thank you.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one will be out on Tuesday, March 9th! Gonna skip another week, don't hate me. With all the bullshit with my old computer and trying to start up these ones and rebuild stuff, it slowed me down a bit this week. XD Sorry, friends!


	27. Chapter TwentySeven: Forced

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Forced

* * *

Zack awoke first, the blankets slipping off his bare chest as he sat up in the strengthening light of the morning. It was early still, and the first thing he thought about was getting more sleep, and yet, he had woken up on his own accord, or at least, he thought he had. But the sound of Cloud groaning quietly beside him had been the real reason why his sleep was cut short, and he looked over at him, worried at first, but then slowly smiled. Cloud wasn't groaning in displeasure, but it was almost a purr of content as he shifted closer to Zack with a calm look on his face.

_I have to get up, otherwise I'll never leave this bed …. _

Cloud briefly opened his eyes to look at Zack as he felt him sit up, and he took that moment of hesitation from Zack to scoot even closer to him, practically nuzzling him with his nose, and fell back asleep.

_Damn, how the hell can I say no to that?_

Zack lowered himself back down with a pleased sigh and wrapped his arms around the boy. He closed his eyes but willed himself to not fall back asleep, just so he could relish the tranquility that the morning brought. It was so quiet. He couldn't hear anything in the other quarters around him, he couldn't hear any traffic down below in the city … he felt as if it were just him and Cloud existing on their own.

He even took the liberty to move his phone out into the kitchen after Cloud fell asleep the night before, just in case someone decided to be rude and call him for an early wake-up call like Lazard had the previous morning. It wasn't like he didn't want to report to duty, as he truly loved being SOLDIER, but he would much rather catch a few extra minutes of snuggling up against Cloud in peace without the shrill interruption of his phone.

Maybe he would have time to try and cook them both breakfast, so long as that meant toast and ... well, more toast. He managed to cook eggs without so much as getting the shell in it, but he always forgot to lower the heat on the pan so they didn't cook chewy. Impatience and hunger usually got the better of him, so he would turn the heat up to cook it as fast as it possibly could cook, be damned the texture and taste afterwards. But maybe he could try his luck this morning for the both of them.

Though, he might skip breakfast altogether if Cloud continued to be this enticing. Inch by inch, he would find the blond pressing himself closer into him, and he had to shift higher up onto his pillow so they wouldn't smother each other. He listened to the steady breathing, mixed with the occasional soft noise he would make as he slept, and Zack found himself matching those little content noises with some of his own as smaller hands wiggled their way between them and rested against his chest. Cloud was quite affectionate as he slept, and Zack thought it amusing that he would be too bashful to be this close with him if he were only awake.

It was exciting to just lie there and finally be able to take in Cloud's mannerisms. He had fallen asleep on his couch several times before, but it was never long enough to see him this relaxed. The other night when he slept over for the first time officially, there wasn't much sleeping to be had through the nervousness and the nightmare. So now it was comforting knowing that he was finally sleeping well, at least, for one night. Zack could only imagine what he had gone through as he tried to sleep during the past week, and perhaps lack of sleep was finally all catching up to him.

Zack dozed in and out for a while, waking up each time Cloud would shift minutely or make any sort of sound. They were mostly typical sounds of sleep, but when he had heard a strange noise coming from the boy, he jolted awake. It took Zack a moment to realize it was his own stomach growling.

Reluctantly he got out of bed around eight thirty and slipped on his sweatpants. Even after their shower together, he still thought it would make Cloud uncomfortable if he was just wandering around his apartment naked. Being naked in the shower was expected. Being naked in the kitchen while cooking wasn't.

He began to rummage through his kitchen for anything to eat, and then paused when he realized that he really didn't know if Cloud was a big morning eater or not. In fact, the boy never really did strike him as one to eat much at all, but then again he was comparing Cloud to himself, and not many others could keep up with his appetite, except for maybe Kunsel or Graves.

_ Graves. What the hell is going on with that guy?_

Zack had shamefully forgotten about him. He was so wrapped up in his failed mission and finding out what happened to Cloud that he couldn't even remember to inquire about that man. He didn't even know to what extent Shin-Ra knew about it. He wasn't even sure who did know about it, besides himself and Ratcliff. Cloud hadn't mentioned anything, of course, and Kunsel hadn't said anything either. But then again, as of late, that was becoming of no surprise to Zack. He never thought he'd see the day when Kunsel's lips were so tightly shut, and if Zack hadn't been so irritated at it all, he probably would have laughed at that.

It was a mystery to him as he was finally able to be patient enough to cook the eggs slowly on a low heat. He had even remembered to add a bit of milk into the scrambled mixture, as his mother had always said that it would make them fluffier and all around more enjoyable. Perhaps he was concentrating on making it right since he wouldn't be the only one eating it this time. He then grinned at the thought of making their first breakfast together as – or what he hoped was – a couple. He wished that Cloud was awake to join in on the experience. He honestly would be happy if it just came out remotely edible in the end.

He turned down the heat even lower to go check on Cloud. He hadn't moved at all, save for his hand that looked as if he had reached out to where Zack once lay. He felt a small pang of guilt for taking any sort of comfort away from Cloud as he slept, if any at all, but felt even worse when he realized that breakfast was about to be done, and unless Cloud wanted to miss out, he'd have to wake him up.

"Hey, Cloud?" he said, quietly at first, as if he hoped that speaking softly would make waking him up more bearable. He really did feel bad for not letting him sleep, but work could be calling him soon, and he didn't want to chance not having taken care of Cloud before he left.

Cloud stirred, now with a light grunt of disapproval. His eyes fluttered open when Zack squatted next to the bed and reached across, brushing his hand across his cheek.

"Heya." Zack smiled warmly at him as their eyes connected.

"... Zack ...?"

"Good morning, Chocobo."

A frown fell across Cloud's face at the nickname. "You're lucky I'm half-awake."

Zack chuckled, almost tauntingly. "And why's that?" He waited for Cloud to continue, but he never answered. His breathing resumed the pattern of what it was when he was asleep. "Cloud?" Zack chuckled once more, louder this time, and he crawled onto the bed next to him, pushing his hair away from his face.

He didn't respond.

"Angel? Time to wake up."

Cloud finally responded with quite a boyish whine and gently swatted Zack's hand away from his face. "I'm awake, I'm awake."

"Good, because if you don't get up soon, breakfast is either gonna burn, or I'm gonna eat it all for myself. Or both." He slipped off the bed and went back into the kitchen when the smell of the food reached the bedroom, and he realized that he nearly forgot about it. He glanced back into the room and watched as Cloud stood with a slight wince and a rubbing of his head, but soon followed after a few minutes.

Breakfast was plated with a personal pride, and toast, of course. Zack smiled impressively wide at Cloud as he shuffled out into the kitchen with half-lidded eyes. "So, are you gonna tell me why I'm lucky?"

"Huh?" Cloud's voice was heavy with grogginess as he sat down on one of the barstools. "Lucky?"

"You warned me, telling me that I was lucky that you were half-awake."

"I dunno ... I was half-awake when I said it."

"Well," Zack began, placing a plate in front of Cloud, "I'll tell you why I'm lucky."

Cloud looked up at Zack with mild interest, only because his eyes began to sink closed before shooting back open when he realized he was falling back asleep. "Huh?"

"Eat."

He obeyed, stabbing a fork into a large mound of egg and eating it without hesitation. Zack waited until he gave a nod and a small smile of approval before he continued speaking.

"I'm lucky because I didn't know if you liked eggs."

"That's a weird reason to feel lucky."

"You'd think, but it goes deeper than that."

Cloud finally looked a bit more cognitive as he furrowed his brow, giving Zack a quizzical look. "How so?"

"Because I didn't know if you liked burnt eggs."

That quizzical look never left his face as he looked down to his plate, then to the pan that sat discarded on the range. "They're not burnt."

"And that's why I'm lucky."

" ... That doesn't make much sense."

"It does when you burn eggs on occasion," Zack said, popping a forkful into his grinning mouth.

Cloud looked as if he wanted to chuckle, but he was too busy yawning to really do so. He then managed another smile – wider this time – and Zack took that for all it was worth, given his strange observation on luck, especially so early in the morning for the both of them.

They sat and ate in a light silence, only interrupting it to talking about how good the meal was, and to fight over who would wash the dishes afterwards. But their dispute over the dishes was then interrupted by a confident knock on the door.

Cloud seemed like he was about to panic, and the only reason why he would panic, that Zack could think of, would be that he was only wearing his running shorts from the day before, and nothing more. But Zack waved his hand at him dismissively before he opened the door.

It was Cissnei.

"Uh … good morning," Zack said slowly, carefully, as he looked the woman over. He hadn't seen her in a while, and the last time he did he tried asking her out on a date. He admittedly hadn't even thought about her much since things began to progress with Cloud, and given the circumstances of the Turks watching him, he would have rather it stayed that way.

Her deep gaze flickered down to Zack's under dressed body, then over to Cloud who sat at the counter just as under dressed, but sat with an aura of nervousness and curiosity over who she was and why she was there. "Zack, I apologize if I'm disturbing you, but I'm here to retrieve Cadet Strife."

"What?" they both said in unison, Zack's voice coming out a bit more edgy and challenging than Cloud's.

"He's been assigned a task and needs to report back to his unit for orders."

"And what orders are those? And how did you know he was here?"

"I hardly see how any of that is of your concern," she said, a slight hint of playful sarcasm in her voice.

"Not that it's any of _your_ concern," Zack said, but then lowered his voice, "but Tseng and I have a little understanding with each other, and Cadet Strife's duties are disclosed with me." That was … partially true, as he was assigned personal training sessions and missions with him, but not so much his infantry orders. He was hoping Cissnei wouldn't catch his bluff.

"He said you would try and say that to me, but just told me to tell you tough luck."

Zack laughed shortly, sarcastically. "And here I thought I was having good luck this morning." He glanced up and saw Sephiroth leaving his apartment, and he really didn't feel like having him see him standing there bantering with a female Turk while half naked, and with a half naked cadet behind him in his quarters. "Get in here."

Cissnei raised an eyebrow at him but stepped in reluctantly, and Zack closed the door behind her. She looked over to Cloud who was slipping off of the barstool and trying to stand at attention as best as he could for being horribly disturbed by the situation.

"Can he at least finish his breakfast first?" Zack said, moving back into the kitchen to continue eating his.

Cissnei glanced around briefly. Zack's apartment was a lot cleaner than she imagined it to be. He struck her as the type to drop something on the floor if he missed the garbage can and just shrug to himself and think, 'Eh, I'll get it later'. But it was fairly neat for such a typical _man's pad_. She even caught a glimpse of the bedroom and noticed that the bed was neatly made. Most likely courtesy of this cadet.

"No. Cadet Strife is already late," she said, turning her gaze back to the men. She had wondered why Zack had stopped pestering her about going on a date together for the past two months, and now as she stood watching the two men who barely looked like they rolled out of bed, she realized why.

"Ma'am. I'll be ready ASAP, Ma'am." Cloud stiffened as he saluted her, a soft pink tint to his cheeks. Zack could see that his eyes were staring above her as he saluted, as if embarrassed to look her in the eye. Zack at first thought it was because of the fact that he was wearing little to nothing, but then realized that it was rather eyebrow raising to have two barely clothed men eating breakfast together. He then wondered if Cloud was perhaps ashamed of being in a relationship with another man, at the very least, a public relationship. And even though it was just Cissnei to Zack, one stranger looking could mean the entire world was looking to someone as introverted as Cloud.

But he lowered the salute and turned to walk briskly into the bathroom to change.

Zack then turned his gaze over to Cissnei, and their eyes met.

"A close friend of yours?" she said, her voice light and innocent-sounding, but Zack could tell there was perhaps some judgment hidden behind her speech.

He ignored her. "Want some coffee?"

"I'd love some, but duty calls."

Zack scoffed. "So now you'd love some, but all those other times I asked you for coffee or lunch you didn't hold back in saying no."

A sly grin appeared on her face then as her arms crossed over her chest. "Seems to me that that doesn't matter anymore, does it?" She nodded towards the bathroom as the sound of a cap to a bottle of mouthwash being screwed back on could be heard, then the sound of Zack's medicine cabinet closing.

"Nope," Zack said quickly, confidently, "none of it."

Cissnei smirked, letting out a soft chuckle that she most likely was trying to repress, but couldn't, especially when she saw the stupidly wide grin on Zack's face. Her chuckling soon stopped after a few moments, and when her eyes met Zack's again, he had a look of concern.

"Hey ... Cissnei. What uh ... what's this task that Cloud has to do ...?"

"I already made it clear that-"

"Please, Cissnei."

"I'm sorry, Zack."

Zack let out a soft growl, not necessarily at her, but just over the fact that Shin-Ra was of course, still hiding stuff from him. He'd like to think that he couldn't hold anything against her for doing her job, but somewhere in the back of his mind he was resenting her, angry that she had the ability to tell him what she knew, but refused to, even though they were behind closed doors. Maybe it was just a simple task being asked of Cloud – standard routine. Maybe he was paranoid and worrying too much. Maybe.

The bathroom door opened and Cloud exited with his head aimed down a little. Zack's eyes narrowed. That shirt he was wearing ... it was the same red jersey tank he wore the morning of their first date. Zack didn't remember it to be that loose against his chest. But once again ... he was probably over-thinking. Probably.

"On second thought, Cadet Strife is going to finish his breakfast," Zack said, and Cloud looked at him confused.

"Zack, he's already late-"

"I already made that clear," Zack said, a bit more harsh than he intended.

She pursed her lips together while an eyebrow lifted at him questionably as if challenging him and his authority over her.

"No, it's okay, Zack. I should get going," Cloud murmured, motioning over to the Turk.

"Cloud, please."

"S-sorry, Zack. Thank you for everything." Cloud left with Cissnei, his head still aimed towards the floor.

Zack couldn't help but smile, despite his worry. Cloud was uncomfortable with being seen in his apartment by Cissnei, but he was at least comfortable enough to borrow his mouthwash without asking. Perhaps it would be a lucky day, after all.

* * *

The horns from the ships were loud – piercing the serene calm that surrounded the coastal city. The air was thick with salt that was carried through by the cool breeze. The smell of the ocean – it was something that he never had much experience with. When he neared the city, he was confused by the smell at first. It was unique, and it was almost startling after being away from it for so long. Midgar was near the coast, but still at least thirty miles from it, and he had never really had a reason to travel to it. He had crossed over the ocean in helicopters on missions and to cross the continents when he first traveled from Corel to Midgar, and he had gone on a vacation once to Costa del Sol with his aunt and uncle when he was younger, but it had been a very long time.

So now, as the air filled his lungs, he couldn't help but feel strangely rejuvenated, and for once considered the natural wonder for its beauty. Usually he would just simply gloss over something like that; he was never really into the whole nature thing.

Or perhaps it was because he was finally on a new lead.

Graves was reluctant in bringing his Shin-Ra ID with him. It was risky, especially if there was a warrant put out on him. Surely Shin-Ra would be searching for him by now. But bribing some disgruntled and apathetic grunts with packs of cigarettes and some dirty magazines – limited edition Honeybee Inn issues – easily got him let into the restricted heart of the city. It was the bustling center, filled with multi-story buildings, all brightly lit with a lot of Graves' temptations. Beer, food and weapons, mostly.

A quick stop at a bar refueled him. A cold beer, a cheeseburger – he was ready to go again. He didn't have the money to spend on an inn, but he had caught enough sleep in the bed of the truck he hitchhiked in, so for now he would be okay. If he managed to sneak onto a boat, he'd catch a few more winks as he lay low. There would be a chance that Mejia would be on the same boat, but even Graves wasn't stupid enough to start a ruckus on a trip that would at least take four days minimum. At least, that's what he was predicting.

He stopped off at a clinic and was thankful to see a few cute receptionists at the main counter, and not just thankful for the eye candy, for once. He was able to use what little charm he had to inquire about a 'friend' who might have stopped by to be treated for a sword wound to the gut. They were hesitant at first, but a suave smile and perhaps a little white lie that he was SOLDIER convinced them enough to admit that someone had been by the day before to be treated, but left during the night. They had tried to tell him that since he went so long without treating the wound, that it had a high chance of getting infected. The staff urged him to stay throughout the next few days, but he slipped through when the change of nursing shifts switched over at midnight.

The women warned Graves that he needed to find his 'friend' quick and get him further medical attention. Graves couldn't help but snort a laugh at that.

He managed to find an embark itinerary near a dock. It was easy to glance over on the laptop, given that the logistics bubba was visibly having trouble with the part of his job that required him to … _stay awake_ … while waiting for a ship to dock from Costa Del Sol. The bubba had so cleverly tried to wedge himself between a few stacks of crates, but the glow of the computer screen was visible when the shadow from a docked vessel crept along with the slowly setting sun. It was amazing to Graves, as in the infantry division there was no time to sleep on the job, and to him, these bubbas with their cushy jobs had it made.

A few hours to kill was his biggest enemy at the moment, then it would be finding out how to exactly become a stowaway on a Shin-Ra vessel. Of course, he was never one to worry about such potential problems, and he was also not one to really admit to potential problems to begin with. So he wandered back into town to get a haircut. It would be best for him to at least try and change his appearance. It was hard for a guy like him; he was rather distinguishable. From his height, to his muscles, to even his voice – his appearance screamed Shin-Ra, perhaps even SOLDIER. Now, his once wiry hair was shaved down to a short fade. He hated it. To him, it looked even more military than what he had, but whatever would help people pass him over at a first glance. That's all it took to recognize someone, and he wasn't going to take that chance.

The horns blew again in the distance, and after a face shave with a straight edge and a strop, he ducked into the restroom and changed.

Not only did he bring his Shin-Ra ID, he brought his uniform. He called himself crazy for doing so, but that uniform was able to get him back to the docks. It was able to have eyes pass over him as he simply picked up a crate and entered the hanger of a ship to load the cargo, and he never returned.

* * *

After Cloud and Cissnei had left, Zack's phone decided it didn't want him to finish his breakfast – or Cloud's – and promptly rang. He had let it ring a few times through the duration of about five minutes, with the mental excuse that his hands were much too busy washing dishes to answer. He had peeked over at it, however, and he saw that it was from Tseng. He eventually answered, and all that the Turk had said was for him to report to his office for a briefing.

He thought that maybe Tseng was going to stop being an insufferable bastard and finally brief him on what happened in Kalm. But when he entered the man's office and sat down across from him, all that Tseng said was that he was being placed on a 'mandatory leave of absence'.

"A … vacation?"

"That's correct."

Zack sat staring at him intently, trying to read into his unreadable expression. "What is this?"

"Well, usually a vacation is when an individual takes a predetermined amount of time off of work–"

"Tseng!"

"Look, Zack, what do you want me to tell you?"

"That this is a joke."

Tseng paused in taking a sip of coffee, and he lowered the cup onto his desk. "I'm afraid this is not a joke, Zack."

"I can't … go on a vacation right now."

"And why not?"

Zack suddenly stood, slamming his hands down onto the desktop, causing Tseng's coffee cup to rattle and nearly tip over from the force. "Why the hell do you think!"

Tseng just lifted his eyebrows a little on his face and just stared into Zack's angry eyes, waiting for him to continue, but all the SOLDIER did was sink back down into the chair with a heavy sigh.

A few moments passed of just Tseng waiting for Zack to speak, and Zack just staring off to the side of the large office with his arms folded across his chest. Even Tseng's assistant had wandered in carrying several file folders to hand to him, but even then no one said anything. It was rather awkward, but at that point Zack could care less.

"It's in Costa del Sol–"

"I don't care."

Tseng sighed a little, perhaps it was more of a scoff, but Zack, once again, could care less. "It's only for a few days–"

"Still don't care," Zack said quickly.

"I hear the bar there serves Mojitos that are supposed to be really–"

"Still not carin' over here," Zack said, sighing casually as he spoke.

"This _is_ mandatory, you realize."

"Damned if you do, damned if you don't, right?"

"Seems like it," Tseng responded coolly.

"This is bullshit, Tseng. And you know it."

"Work with me, Zack. I need your cooperation on this," Tseng said, his voice slightly annoyed.

It was Zack's turn to scoff now, and he finally met the Turk's gaze. He couldn't stop the gentle heave of his shoulders as his breathing began to become a little thick with irritation. "It seems to me that no one wants to cooperate with me."

"And what do you mean by that?"

Temptation had never been so great. Food temptations, alcohol temptations, joking or prank temptations, even sexual temptations – none compared to the one he was trying to fight at that moment. His mind was churning with thoughts; his lips tingled with the truth. Every ounce of strength he had in his body had to collect and focus on that fight, to try and control what sliver of patience he had left on the matter.

"Never mind, it's not important," was all he muttered in the end.

"Well, in that case," Tseng said as he stood, smoothing out his suit, "you'll be departing once you're packed." He turned and stared out the enormous windows that lined the length of his office, and stiffly put his hands behind his back.

Zack stood as well, but slowly, almost as if he were reluctant to finish the conversation in this way. "Can," he began, but as he spoke Tseng didn't turn to look at him, "you at least tell me why I'm being put on vacation?"

"If you have any unfinished business, I suggest you tend to that before you leave."

"Fine." Zack threw his hands up in frustration and he went to turn to exit out of the office before he said something stupid, but his eyes flickered down to the stack of folders that the assistant brought in, and one caught his eye. He paused for a moment, watching Tseng carefully, then slipped it out of the stack and tucked it under his arm. And as he stepped out into the hallway, his mouth lost the battle of keeping his tongue in check. "You know, Tseng, seems to me like you could use a mandatory leave of absence too," he blurted, then stalked off.

* * *

Cloud had followed the Turk down the medical ward. He knew exactly where she was leading him. She hadn't said a word to him during their elevator ride, and he was so nervous around her and about where she was taking him, that he nearly vomited up the nice breakfast that Zack was so kind to make. He had to turn away from her to at least try and block her from his mind, but he could see her reflection in the brass handrail that he was gripping tightly, and even though she was looking nowhere near his direction, he still felt as if her eyes were digging into him. She had only glanced at him briefly when she entered Zack's apartment, but he still felt her gaze lingering on him.

It was a bit embarrassing to be seen by a Turk – let alone a woman – in Zack's apartment. He only wondered what she perceived the situation to be, and he wondered what she was thinking of him, and of Zack, and if she were to report them to the officials. He didn't want to get Zack in trouble for anything. Favoritism, sexual harassment, rape, whatever else someone could pin on the man and their relationship. Cloud wouldn't be able to live with himself if he knew that Zack would be charged with something because of him.

He told himself that he cared too much of what others thought of him, but he couldn't help and worry about things like that. It was hard to convince himself that sometimes people just didn't care, and that he was looking too far into things. But this was a Turk. It was her job to report on potential threats to the company. But then again … how did she know he was at Zack's to begin with? Did the company already know?

Now, he was standing outside of the psychologist's office. Dread – that's all he began to feel. Any nausea from the nervous elevator ride, any lingering feelings of happiness from being with Zack, even his musing about the company – it was all gone now, replaced with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He really hated being there.

The Turk just simply turned on her heels and walked off.

That was it? Shin-Ra went through the trouble of sending one of their finest out so early in the morning, just so he could be escorted to his appointment? Granted, he had forgotten about it, and now he was somewhat thankful, as he didn't feel like being thrown in the brig for not showing up to it, but he was left wondering why they just didn't send an infantryman, or even a lower class SOLDIER. Then again, he remembered that his orders were delivered by that redheaded Turk, and now he began to wonder how big of a thing this all was, and the reasoning behind all the … _special treatment_.

And yet, despite that overwhelming feeling of dread, he found himself entering her office. The front desk was just as strangely decorated as the woman's office, and he wondered if she had chosen to decorate it herself, as it looked like no other office in the building. At least, none that he had ever stepped foot in. Perhaps the Turks' offices were decorated similarly. He then wondered what the president's office looked like – anything to get his mind off of the fact that he was signing in on a clipboard without even receiving a greeting from the receptionist. Of course, if he had bothered to lift his head and gain the courage to look, he would have noticed that she was on the phone.

After a few minutes, the woman he really didn't want to see came out of her office and greeted him. He didn't even really hear her. He just heard his name and he followed her mindlessly. He ignored the fact that a few paintings on the walls had changed to something a bit more lively, and even the music they played overhead was changed to something a little less monotonous.

But her office was still the same. That couch was still as strange, the rug still as baffling in design, that pillow still sitting there, as if waiting for him to continue questioning its purpose. He was almost glad to see that the pillow was still there – it was becoming familiar in a strange way.

"How are you today, Cloud?"

"I'm fine," he mumbled quickly, sitting down on the couch.

She smiled at him warmly from her desk, folding her hands neatly in front of her. "That's good to hear."

Cloud fiddled with the drawstrings on his shorts. "Um … h-how are you?"

That smile of hers grew wider. He had never asked her how she had been, or even bothered to inquire any more about her or her opinion on matters. He just always sat there waiting for everything to be over. "I'm very well today, thank you for asking."

"Good … you're welcome."

"How have you been feeling? Your injuries, I mean."

"Fine."

The psychologist paused for a moment, her shoulders squared in a confident, yet somehow welcoming posture, and Cloud wondered if she took a class on how to train her demeanor to stay so intimidatingly friendly. "The word 'fine'," she finally said, "is used so neutrally now, don't you think?" Her eyes watched as Cloud kept his head cast down towards the drawstrings as he played with it in a pattern. "It's lost its true meaning the more and more that it's so casually offered in conversation. How about we try using a word that describes how you are really feeling?"

"There's … no other word. I'm fine, that's it, Ma'am."

"Well, I can accept that, if that's how you are really feeling. But I would like to see you try and use words that pinpoint your emotions more accurately." She watched as he stopped the pattern and dropped the string, placing his hands on his knees. "Do you think you can at least try that sometime soon?"

Cloud shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe."

"I think you should try. If you're not comfortable with me, then maybe you can try with a friend when you're ready."

"Maybe."

They sat in a brief silence, which made Cloud uncomfortable, so he began to play with the drawstrings again.

"Were you at the gym this morning?" She motioned to the clothes he wore. "Exercising is a good way of focusing yourself, but you shouldn't do too much right now."

He quickly shook his head and his leg began to bounce slightly. "No, it was just comfortable to wear."

She nodded respectively, and then fell silent for a few moments.

Cloud could hear the sound of the little clock on her desk tick, and with each second that passed by seemed to etch into his nerves, making his mind turn quickly. The little pillow next to him shifted as the couch began to shake when his leg bounced more.

"Have you been taking your medication that the infirmary prescribed you?"

"Yeah," he said quickly, dismissively.

"Then why are you so nervous right now? You seem even more so than last I saw you."

He suddenly grabbed the pillow and looked as if he wanted to hold it, but he merely shifted it back to where it once was, before he spoke tentatively. "Am I … going to be reprimanded?"

She tried to hide the strange look that crossed over her face at his words, but somehow couldn't. "Now, why would you think that?"

"Because I almost forgot this appointment, and I was really late."

"You weren't reprimanded the first time you skipped several weeks ago. What makes you think you're in trouble now?"

Cloud continued the bouncing of his leg, but now was twirling that string between his fingers once again. "Last time a Turk didn't come and get me."

She stayed silent for a while, unmoving, save for her eyes that watched him from behind her reading glasses. When she sucked in a breath to speak, it caused Cloud to flinch involuntarily, and the pillow beside him tumbled off of the couch. "Well," she said, and watched when he went to bend forward to get it, he seemed to be in a bit of discomfort. "I'm certainly not going to reprimand you. I'm just here to listen, not to judge or discipline you for anything you do or say."

He ignored her and took his attention out on adjusting the pillow once more.

"Your superiors suggested that you help me in my offices while you're on light duty."

"What …?" Cloud turned his head slowly, looking rather pale suddenly. "But … I'm terrible at office work."

She removed her reading glasses and folded them neatly on her desk. "It'll only be for a few days while my secretary is on vacation."

"No, please," he said, scooting to the edge of the couch, his eyes large and pleading.

"It'll just be some filing, organizing. Maybe answering the phones."

"Can't you talk to my superiors? I feel fine – I can go back to full duty."

"We can talk about this at the end of the session. Right now I'd like for us to talk about–"

He cut her off, but as he spoke, his voice was wavering and barely above a whisper. "I would really like it if I can get assigned to something else, and we just … only see each other when I have to."

"When you have to? Are you saying that you didn't come here of your own accord?"

Cloud stayed silent, his leg continuing its nervous movement. He did nothing, he said nothing. His eyes just stared off into a painting hanging on her wall, but it seemed as if he wasn't actually looking at it.

"Cloud?" She peered at him, studying his bland facial expression. She'd like to think that she couldn't believe it, but Shin-Ra was conniving and manipulative. She was foolish to think that Cloud was appearing on his own will, and now she sat staring at him, and found herself sighing perhaps not so inaudibly. She was very disappointed. She thought that he was slowly seeking out her help. "Were you _ordered_ to appear here?"

He was still silent, but his bottom lip retracted back into his mouth.

"Either way, you're being forced," she said quietly.

He scoffed, turning his head in her direction, but still not creating any sort of lingering eye contact. "Damned if you do–"

"Sometimes we're damned no matter what, it seems."

* * *

Zack wasn't happy. He was incredibly angry, in fact. So angry that he didn't even really bother thinking things through as he packed a small bag for his 'vacation'. A simple pair of swim trunks, his toothbrush … really, he was a simple guy who had simple needs.

And what he needed was to find Cloud before his helicopter left to take him to Junon for the connecting flight across the ocean to the other continent. He had maybe a little under an hour left, and he still needed to drop off the weekly report to the psychologist's office before he left for 'a few days'.

What was 'a few days' anyway? A few days to him meant two or three. A few days to Shin-Ra could mean a lifetime. He was wary, and he was frustrated. His knuckles were still sore and scabbed over from a few nights prior, but that still wasn't enough to stop him from hitting a few more unsuspecting walls.

Not only was there too much going on with Cloud, he still was left in the dark about anything going on with Mejia's whereabouts, and even the Genesis copies that were continuing to run amok everywhere. Why – with only Sephiroth as the only other 1st – were they sending him out to go bask in the sun and do absolutely nothing constructive with his time?

Of course he liked to lounge around once in a while, but his abundance of energy kept that on a short time constraint. He knew after scoping out the bars and food and spending a few hours tanning, perhaps, that he'd be stir crazy. He'd want out of that seemingly happy town and back into action. His last mission left a more than sour taste in his mouth, and he craved some sort of aggressive release that wouldn't land him into some sort of trouble. Something – anything. He'd take fighting monsters again over a 'vacation'.

His footsteps were paced at an alarming rate, and he whisked past people in the hallways who were trotting, while he was merely walking. His legs carried him where he needed to go in a decent amount of time, and he was happy to see the psychologist's office coming into view.

The report was lacking, of course, and not because Zack wanted to omit anything, it was just that he hadn't seen Cloud much since he returned from his mission with Reno. 'Withdrawn', 'distant', 'irritable' – all words he included in the report rather reluctantly. He almost felt like lying in it, saying that Cloud opened up to him and confessed to him everything, but he, at this point, still wasn't sure if Cloud was ordered to not mention anything or not. It would only make sense. But then a part of him was afraid that Cloud was keeping this to himself for reasons that Zack couldn't grasp. The only thing he could think of was Cloud not wanting him to worry, or perhaps treat him any differently, or delicately.

Zack was almost … offended, in a strange way, and he was upset with himself for even thinking he had the right to think something like that when he had no idea what was going on in Cloud's head. But it was because he had no idea what was going on in Cloud's head that he felt that way. He wondered if Cloud trusted him, if he had faith in his ability to be strong for him, to take care of him and be there for him whenever he needed it, and for any reason. Why could Cloud run to him the night he learned of Elici's death? There was Graves and Ratcliff at the time, hell, even Kunsel that he could have ran to for comfort. So why did the boy decide to run to him at two in the morning for that? What if he had been asleep when Cloud got there, and he didn't hear him at the door? What if he wasn't even there? What would Cloud have done?

But Cloud took that chance. He passed up others that night, and he picked Zack to share his pain with. That must have meant that he trusted him, and that he believed in them as friends … or so, Zack hoped.

And as Zack neared the office, the door opened and Cloud exited.

They both momentarily froze, but Zack shifted the report a little into his body so it wasn't so visible, and Cloud … just continued to stare at him, incredibly pale.

"Hey!"

Cloud shifted uncomfortably on his feet, his eyes darting past Zack as if Zack hadn't noticed him yet, and he was trying to find a way to slip past, unnoticed.

But Zack just smiled at him warmly, waiting for Cloud to respond as he still was silent. Zack took a somewhat nervous step forward, assuming that he was embarrassed over being seen coming from the psychologist's office, and as he suspected, Cloud looked as if he were beginning to panic as he neared.

"Zack … I, uh ..." he stammered, his eyes trying to stay on the man, but flickered away occasionally. "I was just doing an errand …"

"Cloud, listen," Zack started, taking another step forward. A few people passed by them in the hall, and Cloud turned his head nervously to each one as they walked by. "I need to talk to you for just one sec, if you have it. It's nothing bad, I just–"

Cloud shook his head vigorously, visible panic crossing his face. Why was Zack in this ward? This was the medical ward … there was nothing wrong with Zack, so why was he here walking towards the psychologist's office? He really didn't want the man to know that he was seeing her still. It would be _understandable_, but he didn't even want the faintest idea put into Zack's head that things were probably worse off than they already seemed.

"S-sorry, I have to go." He didn't realize that he started running down the hall until Zack called out after him. His legs moved on their own; he couldn't stop himself. He didn't even know why he was running.

"Cloud …" Zack sighed to himself, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his hand as Cloud threw himself into the elevator and the door closed. He didn't have time to go running after him, although he wanted to. His helicopter was waiting, and he couldn't even tell Cloud that he was leaving.

* * *

...To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Eight: Distance.

Really Long Ending Author's Note (so prepare yourself): Hmm … looks like Zack's day wasn't so lucky, although he did enjoy that Cloud used his mouthwash. Teehee. Anyway, I have a few things to explain from this chapter.

The term 'bubba' is a term of endearment that military personnel (not sure if it's just the US Marines that use it ...) use to refer to other men in the military. It's like 'grunt', but is meant in a positive way, whereas 'grunt' can be interpreted as a term of disrespect.

Mojitos are a type of alcoholic beverage that has mint in it.

A strop is a leather strap that is used with a straight-edge razor for sharpening. It's old fashioned and only barbershops really use them nowadays (along with weirdos like my dad).

And finally, the psychologist mentions that Cloud missed his last appointment "a few weeks ago" and she's referring to an appointment that I didn't actually write in as a scene, but she mentions it back in chapter thirteen where she sees him in the cafeteria when he is getting Zack some dinner. Kind of a tiny little mention back in that chapter, so I thought I would give you all a refresher so you didn't scratch your head and scrape your brain in trying to think back so far. Oh, and the only reason why Cloud was asking how she was in this chapter was because he was afraid he was gonna get in trouble for being late, so he was kissing her ass, in case you didn't catch onto that.

Okay, lots of AMAZING things to mention today so bear with me!

Malady fan-art ZOMG!

The wonderful Lady-Yuna7 drew a really awesome piece for me for my birthday as a gift, and for our enjoyment. Remove the spaces in the link, and then go here to view, fave and comment! (remove the spaces in the web address!):

**http : / / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ save-a-turk-slay-a-zolom-155644201**

And MORE Malady fan-art!

The wonderful MeykoLove drew about eleven pieces of fan-art for our enjoyment. I'll just link you to her dA account as there are too many pieces to list individually. So remove the spaces in the link for viewing, faving and commenting! (remove the spaces in the web address!):

**http : / / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/**

EDIT: 3-13-09 AND ZOMG! Another piece of Malady fan-art! The wonderful Djali created a scene from chapter Eight: Color of Existence! Go here for viewing, faving and commenting! (remove the spaces in the web address!):

**http: / / kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Color-of-Existence-157140532**

ZOMG ANOTHER EDIT: 3-18-09 A Malady Promo video! The wonderful Lady Gunblade created a very beautiful and touching video on YouTube for this story! The song is so, so sad! But mmm...Zack and Cloud. Go here to watch, rate, favorite, like and comment! (remove the spaces in the web address first):

**http: / / www. youtube. com/ watch? v = MV1Xp5Z0YmQ**

Infinite thanks and love to them all! *covers them in Ziggy-smooches* I'm so incredibly flattered and humbled!

If the links to any of those don't work, they're listed in my profile!

Nyaaa I should probably shut up now, this has been long enough. Anyway, thank you for reading and reviewing, and dealing with my insipid blathering! Love!


	28. Chapter TwentyEight: Distance

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Distance

* * *

Zack was wondering if he should have felt remotely guilty for stealing classified information – plucked right off of Tseng's desk without him even noticing. He was beginning to find amusement in the thought of outsmarting a Turk, but really, it wasn't all that impressive. Tseng's back was turned, he saw the folder, and the rest pretty much played out on its own.

But what wasn't amusing was that the report had pretty much nothing new in it that Zack already didn't know on his own from what Reno had told him, and from what he observed with Cloud on his own. It was actually a report from the psychologist's office on a session with Cloud a few days prior, and it had mentioned weird terms that Zack didn't know, let alone remember, and in the end it was all a wasted effort. Albeit, an _easy_ wasted effort.

He wanted to say he didn't want to know everything, but that would have been a lie. He wanted to be able to fill his head with everything that he could, in hopes that he could gain even just a tiny bit of understanding of how Cloud was feeling and what he was thinking. To be able to look inside his head and share everything, Zack hoped, would allow him to help Cloud discreetly. If he knew what was said between Mejia and Cloud back in Kalm, then maybe it would help shed some light on everything.

But the report said nothing of the sort. In fact, it went on to say that Cloud was withdrawn and had showed no improvement on complying with the psychologist with a willingness to talk. Zack wasn't all that surprised, really. Cloud was naturally a withdrawn person regardless.

So withdrawn that the mere sight of Zack in the hallway had caused him to turn tail and run. If he would have given Zack a chance to explain everything, and possibly play it off like he didn't see him coming out of the psychologist's office, then Zack would have been able to tell him that he was going away for a few days, and that he would be back soon. He didn't want Cloud to worry about him, or wonder where he was. He didn't want Cloud to feel abandoned.

He entered the office and glanced around nervously. He was thankful that the receptionist was busying herself behind the desk with her back turned as Zack approached. A quick toss of the folder and his reports onto the desk and he'd be able to leave, unnoticed. He didn't really think things through before he took the report, and he mildly panicked on how to get it back without anyone noticing. The only thing he could think of was slipping it in with his report, and hope that it would just be overlooked.

"Oh, Mr. Fair. Good to see you."

Zack flinched and turned to see the psychologist standing next to him and smiling a little. He couldn't control the obvious guilty laugh – perhaps even a giggle – that came from him as his hand quickly retracted from the reports that he had set quietly down on the desk, and he scolded himself for not spotting the woman coming from her office. He was too busy focusing on the receptionist to notice. "Yeah, likewise," he said, his voice wavering a bit, which he just tried to mask with another laugh. "Was Cloud just in here with you …?"

"Yes, we had an appointment."

"How's … he doing?" Zack asked, hesitantly. He felt stupid for asking such a thing, but it couldn't be helped.

She sighed a little, glancing down to a chart in her hands. "He still seems really reluctant to speak with me about anything. How is he with you?"

"About the same."

"Is that your report?"

"Yeah," Zack said quickly, "I can just leave it here on the front desk." Zack cringed when she ignored him and picked up both folders.

"That's disappointing to hear. I had high hopes that he would talk to you. You two seem close, and all."

"Yeah, that's what I thought … but I guess he just needs more time."

She nodded a few times and flipped through his report, skimming it over. "So, he hasn't mentioned anything to you at all?" She wasn't sure if Zack knew about what had happened. She knew that the company was trying to keep it from him, but Zack seemed like the type to weasel his way around to get what he wanted. He was an impatient man, she knew.

"Sadly, no." He fidgeted a little as she closed the folder and looked back up to him with a solemn face.

"Please continue to monitor him."

"Yeah, sure." He frowned a little, tossing around the thought of just outright asking her about it to see if she would indulge him in perhaps anything that he might have overlooked in the file, or something that Reno might not have known. "Did something happen that I should know about? Cloud is acting … a little different since his mission in Kalm."

She didn't speak, but just stared off to the front door where people walked past the windows in the hallway.

"Not allowed to talk about it, are you?" Zack muttered blandly.

She was about to speak, when Zack's phone rang and stopped her.

Zack growled a little when he glanced down and saw that it was from Tseng. He hadn't realized that he was now running late. "Sorry, gotta go."

She nodded to him and watched as he began to walk off. She waited until he got to the doorway to finally finish what she was about to say. "I don't know any more than you do."

"What?" He turned slowly.

She sifted through the stack in her hands and brought up the report from Tseng's office. "But let's keep each other informed with the proper way."

Zack found himself tittering nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh … yeah, sorry 'bout that." He really didn't know what else to say.

She smirked a little. "Don't worry, I'll cover for you."

Zack gave her a questioning look, but then nodded and exited the office with a wave. He wasn't sure why this woman who worked for Shin-Ra would be so willing to help him, and a part of him still didn't trust her, but there was also something there that he couldn't quite put his finger on. There was a sort of faint aura of frustration or disgruntlement that he picked up on when speaking with her, and prior to all of this he wouldn't have noticed it, but since he had been feeling that way towards the company lately, somehow he understood.

* * *

The barrack was empty, save for several people bustling about between the lockers and their bunks. Cloud entered slowly. He was tired from running from Zack, and he really didn't even know why he did. Zack knew he was assigned to something, but he couldn't think fast enough to just play it off. He wasn't expecting to see him, and when he did he just froze. There was no other way to describe how he felt but _stupid_, really. It hardly occurred to him that Zack said he needed to speak with him about something, and he didn't realize until he had already fled and reached the barracks.

Ratcliff was at Cloud's bunk packing a seabag and chatting with the boy named Pawn who was a few bunks over. He turned as Cloud approached and flashed him a quick smile, but then immediately looked down to what he was doing, and his conversation with Pawn tapered off.

Cloud felt awkward immediately, as they hadn't been talking much lately, and he really didn't know why. He couldn't think of a reason why things would make Ratcliff distant with him, but maybe he was just being careful around him. It irritated him a bit, but he would rather hold onto the interaction, rather than have none at all, even if it was strange.

"Hey, Cloud. How you doing, yeah? Haven't seen you much."

Cloud watched as Ratcliff busied himself with packing, and it occurred to Cloud what he was doing then. "What's going on?"

"Just a mission. We haven't been briefed–"

"Mission? What mission? To where?" Cloud said, almost frantically.

"Cloud, we haven't been briefed on it." Ratcliff glanced up to Cloud to see him looking worried and he wasn't even trying to hide it. In fact, he looked worried when he first came in. "Don't sweat it, yeah? We're leaving in about an hour. Shouldn't be more than a few days."

"But where are you guys going? I mean, who are you going with?" He was glancing into the seabag, trying to get an idea for what type of mission it was with what Ratcliff was packing, but it was just all the general provisions.

"It'll be me, Haskin and Pawn under 2nd Class Luxiere."

Cloud nodded a few times, his eyes still looking over what Ratcliff was packing. "Just a routine thing?"

"I guess so, yeah. Like I said, we haven't been told anything, but it'll be fine, Cloud. Don't worry so much." Ratcliff finished packing the seabag and closed it up. There was nothing else left to take his attention out on, and he thought about reorganizing what he had already packed so it fit better, but it was only because he didn't want to look at Cloud and speak to him with eye contact, even though Cloud probably wouldn't make it with him anyway.

"This Luxiere … is he good? I've never worked with him."

Ratcliff shrugged and began to fiddle with some of the straps on the bag, readjusting them and buckling them once more. "I hear he's okay. Kinda unsure sometimes, but capable. Haskin will be there, and you know how reliable he is, yeah."

Cloud nodded again, but it was a bit less confident. "I just …" Cloud trailed off. He didn't know why, but a feeling of dread washed over him, but there really wasn't any reason to feel this way. They went on missions all of the time, it was a normal and expected part of their duty. In fact, that's what they were there and signed up for. So for Cloud to be worried over the norm was surprising, even for himself. He knew he fussed over things probably more than he should have lately, and he tried to calm his thoughts.

He was paranoid, and he knew it, but couldn't help it.

"So, were you with Zack a lot? I only saw you one night this week in your own bunk."

"Yeah," Cloud said, sitting on his bunk next to the seabag, "I stayed over there a few nights."

"Yeah?" Ratcliff finally looked at Cloud, studying his rather bland facial expression, and now he worried that since Zack wasn't aware of what happened, something might have progressed between them not of Cloud's will. He wondered how to word his question lightly, but his options were limited. "Everything … go okay?"

"Fine."

"Did … anything happen?"

Cloud looked at Ratcliff funny, but then it slowly registered and he looked away, a little red. "No. Nothing."

Ratcliff rubbed the back of his neck, frowning. "That's … good, yeah?"

"I guess."

They fell silent for a while, and the sounds of the other men in the barrack making things seem awkward and almost tension-filled. Cloud glanced at Ratcliff who finally ran out of things to busy himself with in avoidance, and their gaze met. Ratcliff greeted Cloud's timid smile with one of his own, and he patted the top of the seabag.

"Well, I'll tell you all about it when I get back, yeah?"

"Sure ..." Cloud said quietly, nodding.

Ratcliff nodded as well, still patting the top of the bag. "Yeah."

"Hey … Ratcliff?" Cloud's mouth twitched to the side as he paused momentarily. "How's Graves doing?"

"I don't know, yeah."

"You haven't heard from him at all?"

Ratcliff shook his head quickly, turning away from the blond. "No, Cloud, I haven't."

"Well, how long is he in the boot camp for?"

"I don't know," Ratcliff said, sighing.

"I mean, is it going to be for a few months or–"

"Cloud, I said I don't know!" he shouted.

Cloud looked away in shock. He pressed his lips together, his eyebrows wrinkling over his narrowing eyes. When he spoke, his voice came out wavering and full of what Ratcliff could only assume was either embarrassment or shame. "I'm sorry, I just–"

Ratcliff cut him off again as he picked up his seabag and swung it over his shoulder with a quiet grunt. "Look, I don't know anything Cloud, so just stop asking, yeah? I don't have any answers for you!"

Cloud's eyes flickered down towards the floor as his head slowly followed in a meek nod. "Sorry."

"I have to go," he said, irritated. "I'll see you in a few days, yeah."

Cloud just nodded a few more times as Ratcliff walked to the front of the barrack with Haskin and Pawn, and they left with the heavy shutting of the door.

Ratcliff's voice rang through his head a few times as he sat there in disbelief for quite sometime, and he felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach from the man's tone and words. He didn't know what to make of it. Everything was just weird, and he didn't know why.

Cloud groaned to himself and climbed onto his bed, alone in the barracks. It was quiet, just the gentle buzzing of the lights above, and the hum of the air ducts in the shower area. He lay there, racking his memory for anything that would explain Ratcliff's behavior, and he vaguely recalled speaking with him in the inn in Kalm after the incident. He remembered the lights from the festival shining into the room from somewhere behind him, which made him think that he had his back to the window most of the night. He remembered sitting up, so he could only assume that he was leaning against the wall under the window, and he vaguely recalled a cold sensation on his back. He could recall the sound of running water, and then a presence beside him through the night.

But not much else. He remembered bits and pieces of conversation, but couldn't compile it into any sort of sentence or context that would make sense to him.

_Protect … protecting_. Those were the main words that floated through his mind when he tried to replay everything to himself. It was Ratcliff's voice, and his own. He figured Ratcliff had probably apologized for not being there to help him with Mejia, but there was something in the back of Cloud's mind that was telling him that it was about something else, or someone else. And he couldn't help but think about Graves. His thought process was muddled, mixed with strange feelings and intuitions that continued to nag at him, and yet he wasn't so sure he should be believing them. It was hard to push past those feelings, however, and since he was released from the infirmary, Ratcliff had been acting strange whenever he was around him.

Although he really hadn't interacted with him much since then, but what little time they did spend speaking with each other, it was usually very awkward … almost forced. He couldn't put his finger on it, and he couldn't help but worry that maybe he had done something or said something that he couldn't remember that would have made things strange between them. He felt as if everything lately was his fault, and yet really had nothing backing up those thoughts but an empty memory.

And he didn't like the sound of the mission that Ratcliff had been assigned. Although it wasn't entirely unheard of that the details of a mission weren't disclosed until arrival, he still couldn't stop himself from thinking the worst of the worst now, after Elici. With Graves gone in SOLDIER, he felt as if Ratcliff was his only friend left, besides Zack, of course. Ratcliff was always there with him, and they always seemed to be fortunate enough to be paired together in missions and in training due to their similar abilities and capabilities, and they had always been pretty much inseparable, even if they weren't even trying to be. The luck of the draw just played out for itself for them, and now that he was being left behind, whether it was for medical reasons or not, it still felt strange.

He had an overwhelming feeling of alienation lately, and even felt that way with Zack, despite spending the past few days with him. He felt as if there was some sort of wall between them that he couldn't break down, and he knew what it was, but didn't want to address it in fear of it becoming an even bigger wall formed from pity.

Cloud didn't know what else to do but lie there and hope that his mind would give him a break if he were to fall asleep. But somehow he knew that wouldn't happen.

* * *

It had taken a few good long hours to reach Junon, but the helicopter finally touched down on a landing pad, and Zack was immediately escorted by infantrymen right into another helicopter. He barely had enough time to stretch, let alone breathe in the salty air, before he was urged into another craft and lifted to the skies once again.

And the flight wouldn't have been so bad had he anyone to really talk to. The pilots of both helicopters seemed to be oblivious to his presence, even when he had left his seat to clamber up to the cockpit and attempt to drum up a conversation out of boredom. But he was just coldly informed by both of the men to return to his seat and await for further instructions from either them or the personnel in ground control. If this was supposed to be a vacation, why did he feel like it was a top secret mission?

So he spent the duration of the second half of his flight over the ocean towards Costa del Sol doing nothing but listening to the beating of the rotors and his own nagging thoughts. They were scheduled to land on a large carrier for refueling, but it ended up being more of a massive cargo ship than anything else. He was hoping it would have some cool machinery to gawk at so he could occupy his mind with for a few hours, as the helicopter was serviced, but he was informed that he wasn't allowed to leave the helicopter. That was, until enough whining on his part about his bladder won him time to slip away and stretch his legs.

He poked around for a bit, but really found nothing of interest but a few men to chat with, mostly about Shin-Ra, and a quiet part of the deck towards the stern to stare off into the blue waters for about twenty minutes. He was surprised that he was able to detach himself from his thoughts for that time, and was able to just enjoy the breeze for a while without much going on in his head.

But soon they had sent an escort to collect him, and he found himself begrudgingly making his way back to the pad to board the helicopter again. Zack tried to fool the escort by saying he still hadn't found the bathroom yet to buy more free time, but as intimidated by Zack that he seemed, he still was rather firm in having him return to the helicopter. Zack entered the helicopter without even so much as greeting the pilot like he normally would, and sat without even bothering to put on the aviation headset like he normally would to chat, even when he was instructed to. He just sat for the remainder of the flight, staring out the tiny window and watching the sun sink down past the ocean.

It was a beautiful sight. The sunset was pure towards this side of the planet. The air around Midgar was so stale and teeming with pollution that Zack could never tell if the colors being painted across the evening sky were true or not.

But here, the strength of the sun was contained in the darkening blue sky, reflecting a glowing light underneath the clouds that were stretched about. The peaks were stained dark with shadows, softening them as the sun lowered, causing them to blend in with the sky. Pure yellow, pure orange; the colors shimmered across the calm waters, bringing about a tranquility that was unrivaled. He only wished that he could be watching it with Cloud, and watching it on better terms.

* * *

The flight had finally ended a few hours later, and Zack was surrounded by a warm rush of humid air and the smell of fuel mixed with a hint of a tropical breeze. He had expected to be greeted by alluring women in bikinis once he stepped onto the helicopter pad, but he was only greeted by a disinterested embark bubba on the deck who simply informed him to report to the local inn to check into a room, and that was it.

Zack had stood there for a bit, just looking around almost in disbelief. That was it. No orders, no commands, no time frames or paperwork. He was left with nothing but idle time. Zack didn't have time to have idle time, and the more he thought about it, the more enraged he became.

He had never really heard of anyone going on a 'mandatory' vacation before. In fact, he never really heard of any of the 1st Classes going on vacation before at all. Angeal had taken one night off to be dragged along to a LOVELESS play with Genesis, and afterwards swore he would never take a day off again. Either the play was that bad, or Genesis made for embarrassing company if he had been reciting the lines along with the actors like how Zack imagined him to do. But other than that, Angeal and Genesis both seemed to work hard and all the time for the company.

Sephiroth had never taken a vacation before either, but then again he was rather secretive and never disclosed anything personally, at least, not with him. He would disappear at times for days and weeks on end, but Zack would always assume it was work related. Sephiroth never showed any sort of need to go on a vacation, as his demeanor usually stayed his usual cool level, and never had he seen him look stressed or flustered over SOLDIER.

So why had he been suddenly whisked away to this paradise with less than an hour's notice? Was this some sort of punishment? Shin-Ra's polite way of slapping him on the wrists for something? With threats of AVALANCHE lurking about, with Genesis missing and his copies popping up everywhere, and with Mejia on the run, this hardly seemed like the time to have Zack scooting off to build sandcastles on the beach and drinking in the sun.

He had made his way to the inn and checked into a room. It was all very anti-climatic. A simple hello, a bit of silence as the man behind the counter registered him and gave him the key to the room, and even the room itself wasn't anything spectacular. He was expecting an ocean front view, a minibar, jacuzzi bathtub, whatever else that would make it seem more like a vacation rather than just another assignment.

On closer inspection, his balcony actually had a view of the ocean, but that was beside the point.

He sat on the balcony for quite some time, just listening to the waves of the ocean slapping up against the shore, and after sometime sitting and thinking, he forced himself to try and see no point in being cynical any longer. What was done, was done. He was there, and perhaps he should try and make the most of it since he would continue to be there for a few more days. He only hoped that Cloud would be okay without him. He wasn't even able to tell him that he was leaving, and he had sent Kunsel a quick text message requesting that he tell the boy where he was, but he never got a response from him. At that point, Zack wasn't surprised.

He didn't even bother unpacking anything into the closet or the small dresser that was in the room. All he did for the rest of the night was shower and slip into bed. His thoughts were varied, but mostly consisted of Cloud in all aspects.

Worry, joy, love, lust … each emotion formed the majority of his mind that night. He even felt guilt for feeling any of those feelings. He didn't want to worry about him; Cloud had strength and will, even if the boy himself didn't show it, and Zack knew he'd be able to overcome eventually. He didn't want to feel joy; he knew Cloud probably wasn't feeling anything remotely joyful as of late, and didn't want to be the only one feeling it. He didn't want to feel love; he feared that he would be selfish and confess his feelings for Cloud and run the risk of Cloud forcing himself to love him back. He didn't want to feel lust; it made him lose control of himself, urging him to ignore intuition and make reckless decisions.

So what was he supposed to feel? How was he supposed to act?

Zack had glanced at his phone again. It was strange to him. Usually he would have new messages in his inbox from Lazard, or from the SOLDIER fan clubs, hell, even spam messages. But there had been nothing.

* * *

He had fallen asleep with his open phone in his hand, as if he were to watch it something would happen. In the morning, he awoke to a dead cellphone and an amazingly bright day. The skies were vibrant, as was the ocean, and his stomach was loud in its complaint for food and drink. He changed into civilian clothes – shorts and a tank top – and made his way down to one of the livelier-looking bars that didn't seem to care that it was barely even noon.

Loud and upbeat music flowed into the stone streets, filling his ears with a sense of relaxation, although he knew it wouldn't last when he got bored of the bar scene and he was left with just himself and his thoughts on a quiet beach with nothing to do. But for now, the place was filled with happy patrons, dancing together off in the corners to the music, or happily slumped over the bars and asking for more alcohol in a less than coherent voice, and so far it was plenty distracting.

Zack asked for a drink up at the bar once he found a good spot to wiggle his way through between the crowd, and at first the bar hostess asked to see his ID with a pretty smile, and he flashed her an equally pretty smile back instead, and soon his taste buds and thirst were rewarded with a cold beer. A spot finally opened up at the bar, and he nestled onto the seat somewhat comfortably and began to somewhat enjoy his drink.

Three different hostesses with three different pretty smiles later, and Zack had already started a decent tab, and was by then quite comfortable and was more than enjoying his _drinks. _He hadn't realized how strung out he felt lately until the muscles in his shoulders seemed to lower as did his ability to walk straight once he got up to play a game of darts off in the corner of the bar.

The room was spinning nicely, his mind finally able to ramble in a way that didn't remind him of every little thing that was bothering him. It was constantly going, but of nothing in particular – mostly of just what was in front of him and around him. But even then he had a hard time hanging onto his surroundings for more than a few seconds before something else crammed its way into his brain to keep his thoughts occupied.

Zack mumbled an apology to someone he bumped into as he swaggered his way over to the dartboard, and was mumbled an apology back with a dismissive pat on his shoulder. He played a few rounds, he even got a few people to join him, which aided in taking his mind off of everything. But he couldn't help but think of Cloud when he noticed that one of the people he was talking with was blond. It no longer seemed as if the alcohol was keeping up with his thoughts anymore, so he said his goodbye, paid his tab, and left.

* * *

The first day in the psychologist's office was nerve-racking. He was on edge since eight in the morning to five thirty in the evening when the office would close. He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and he felt that his attentiveness to the instructions he was given on how to do the job properly was affected because of it. He found himself unable to concentrate easily on the tasks he was given, and would occasionally mess up one or two times while filing paperwork, or getting confused on how to operate the phone lines. He lost count of how many callers he accidently hung up on. Answering phones was never his strong point.

And each time the psychologist would pass by him, he would expect her to watch him intently, study him, but she merely just gave him one or two things to do and that was it. She hardly paid any mind to him, and maybe it was so he could try and relax in the setting, or maybe she was just busy doing her job with her other patients.

During lunch time he opted to head down to the cafeteria. He didn't want to use the breakroom in the office; he didn't know anyone there and would feel weird to him to be in close proximity with strangers and not knowing how to strike up a conversation with them. Especially since they were office workers, and he was infantry.

But upon arriving in the cafeteria, he realized that he was just as alone there as he would be had he stayed in the office. No one was there that he knew well, or at least was comfortable enough to sit and talk with. He forced himself to wander over to a table where Kumpf and Zabalza sat with a few other people from the unit, however, and they greeted him, but seemed generally unaffected by his presence. A few empty inquiries of how he was doing, but it was more smalltalk than anything.

After a few minutes, when Cloud had settled in, they all began to finish up and stand to leave back to duty. Kumpf passed Cloud his apple that he didn't get to with a pat on the shoulder, and the group of men left with disinterested partings. He was alone for the rest of his hour long lunch. It wasn't so bad, actually, as most of the men filed out to get back to duties, and only a few stragglers were left behind alone as well. He didn't feel so out of place that way, and he ate the rest of his lunch in a relative peace.

His lunch ended and he reluctantly headed back to the medical ward. The receptionist stayed for another hour or so afterwards, but then announced that she would be leaving early to start her vacation once she taught Cloud a few more things around the office. She told him that there was a part-time receptionist that would be there in the morning to help him out for most of the time, but for the rest of the day he would be on his own.

Cloud panicked a little, but the office was slow and according to the receptionist, a 'moogle could do this job'. She reviewed the phone system one more time with him before leaving. And now he was alone in the office.

He was nervous for a while, and each moment he would glance at the phone and fear that it would ring, or that someone would walk through the door and request something from him that he had no idea what it was. Forms, files, invoices … he was lucky enough at that point to even know where the stapler was located, let alone anything important that might be needed from anyone.

He knew where the clock was, however, and couldn't help but stare at it, willing it to move faster. The day was dragging, and the fact that it was Thursday and close to the weekend meant nothing to him. In Shin-Ra, weekends didn't mean anything. The infantry units were constantly working, getting liberty here and there on no set day, even the offices seemed to function on Saturdays and some even on Sundays. He knew this office was closed on Sunday, so he had to get through two more days, and hopefully by Monday his assignment would change. Perhaps he could talk to some of the operatives and request that his light-duty be lifted.

But it was interesting for him to see some familiar faces coming into the office and having appointments with the psychologist. Upon inspecting the appointment books, he even recognized some names in there as well. It was no one he knew personally, but it was almost comforting to him, knowing that he wasn't the only one that was seeing her, whether it was against his will or not. He knew that there were others, that would just be a silly thing to believe otherwise, but he couldn't help but feel like he was the only one in the entire company that was sitting on that couch for that uncomfortable sixty minutes under her gaze.

"Are you doing okay?"

Cloud snapped his head up, unaware that it was even lowered. He blinked a few times and glanced around dazedly. He was also unaware that he had even closed his eyes as well. The blonde psychologist came into his view beside him, and he just nodded sheepishly.

"Sorry, it's just … slow right now."

"And yet you have a pile of charts that need to be filed away next to you," she said, amused.

Cloud frowned a little and scooped them up. "Sorry, Ma'am."

"Did my three o'clock appointment cancel?" She was glancing down to the chart and flipping through the pages that Cloud had turned when his curiosity got the better of him and he started to search for more familiar names.

"I … don't know. Sorry." Cloud hurriedly began to file the charts alphabetically.

"Oh, next time, please use pencil."

"What?" Cloud turned to face her, and she was shaking her head a little down at the book.

"You used pen to fill in the appointments. Use pencil next time. When people cancel, we can erase their name and write over with other appointments."

"Sorry."

She stopped flipping through the appointment book and looked up at him. The light from above was reflecting on her glasses, and he couldn't see her eyes but still felt them looking him over. "May I be frank with you, Cloud?"

_No, you may not_, he thought. "I guess so," he said.

"You apologize too much."

Cloud turned back to face the shelves where he continued to file the charts.

"When you're sorry about something, what do you usually feel?"

He paused for a brief moment. "I don't know. Like I want to fix what I did wrong so I don't do it again," he said, shrugging his shoulders dismissively, hoping that the conversation would end quickly. All day she hadn't interacted with him, and now with only a few hours left of the day, she decided to strike up an unnerving conversation.

"Being apologetic is a good thing, it really shows that you're caring and that you strive to make others happy. But being proactive, finding a solution to show that you're sorry can speak volumes."

"Okay ..."

"It's okay to feel sorry, but there are other ways to let people know that you feel that way, other than just saying the word."

Cloud continued to file the charts, even slower this time. He was running out of things to occupy himself with, and when he was done he knew he'd have to turn back around and look at her as she stood there still speaking this nonsense.

"For example, you could have said, 'Now that I know, I will use pencil next time'. That is a possible alternative. It shows that you're aware of the mistake, and that you're willing to make an effort to prevent it from happening again."

"Then, I'll use pencil next time," he said quietly, finally putting away the last of the charts. At this point he would say whatever he could to get her to go away.

"That's a good start. I think if you tried this, it might help you gain a little confidence in yourself and those you interact with."

Cloud was compelled to roll his eyes. It sounded as if she were reading this off to him straight from a textbook. He already knew he apologized a lot, but there were times where he felt as if he couldn't do anything but say sorry. And there were things that he was sorry for that he had no idea how to take any sort of action to right it. He knew what she meant didn't apply to all situations, but he couldn't help but feel a bit cynical over the whole concept.

He finished filing the charts, and thankfully she had finished her preaching and went back into her office. Most likely to study more textbook jargon that she could throw at him for the remainder of his time there that week.

The rest of the afternoon seemed to go a bit faster, and it wasn't until he noticed that he had dozed off again did he realize why it went by faster. Normally he would give his full devotion to any sort of job that was given to him, but today it had been so droll that he couldn't possibly focus his all on it. The receptionist had been right, a moogle could have done this job. Despite falling asleep, he managed to get all of the tasks given to him done, with minimal errors. At least, errors that he knew about. Come morning when the part-time receptionist came, who knew what mistakes she would find.

The lights were shut off, and an awkward but brief farewell was said between him and a few members of the staff, and he hurriedly made his way down to the cafeteria again. He assumed it was about dinnertime by now for the unit, and thought that he could perhaps try and sit with a few of the other men again.

His unit was there, but unfortunately the table with Kumpf and Zabalza was full, so he found a little spot on a table in the corner of the room to sit and eat. He sat down and a man from another unit struck up a brief conversation with him, but it was mostly complaining about the texture of the cornbread being too dry, and then the man got up to throw it away, and never came back. So Cloud once again spent his meal alone, but this time it wasn't so peaceful. Even though his day wasn't too bad, he still felt bothered by it, and it wasn't until he noticed some SOLDIERs walking past did he realize what was bothering him.

There was still that conversation that Zack wanted to have with him, and he didn't know what it was about. Perhaps Zack had found out about the incident in Kalm, or perhaps Zack didn't want to deal with him anymore and was breaking off ties with him. Or maybe he was going to ask him out on another date. Cloud had no clue, and it was nagging at him all day without him realizing it.

He couldn't finish his dinner anymore, and he wasn't sure if it was because the cornbread really was so dry that it made him lose his appetite, or because he began to worry. He threw whatever was left of his lunch away in the trash and exited the cafeteria. He reached the 1st Class SOLDIER floor and entered Zack's code and slipped inside. The hallway was quiet, as usual, and didn't help distract him from his nervousness.

Zack looked a little upset when he had tried to speak with him, but it didn't seem like it was necessarily towards him, or so he hoped, so he willed himself to knock on the door. He shifted on his feet a bit and listened to the painful silence in the hallway, and coming from Zack's place. He knocked again after a few moments went by, and then sighed heavily when he didn't answer.

A small part of him was relieved that he didn't answer, so he didn't have to find out what Zack wanted to talk to him about, but he was mostly disappointed. Reflecting on his day, he decided that seeing Zack would have made it all seem less lonesome and bothersome.

He left after waiting for a few more moments and decided he would come back to see him the next day.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Twenty-Nine: Caged Bird.

Ending Author's Note: WTF did Ratcliff have up his booty? Guilt, perhaps?

Oh, and if you forgot who Luxiere is, he's that one SOLDIER Zack goes on missions for because he's a wimp in Crisis Core. He eventually gets stronger when he watches Zack complete the missions for him to show him how it's done, and he becomes another person who e-mails Zack alongside Kunsel. He's kind of a big fan of Zack's, and says he would do anything for him, etc., etc. in the e-mails. So yeah, that's who he is in case you forgot.

OKAY! More reader/fan stuff for your eyes to feast upon!!!

First, the amazing Djali has created a gorgeous scene from Chapter Eight: Color of Existence! If you don't remember what chapter that was – shame on you – it's the chapter with their first kiss! So go here to view, enjoy, comment and fave (if you have a dA account, of course. If not, just view and enjoy! And don't forget to take out the spaces in the web address)!!!:

http: // kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Color-of-Existence-157140532

Then, off you go to YouTube for the amazing Lady Gunblade has created a very beautiful and moving promo video for Malady (aside from being Malady, it's an amazing Clack AMV all its own)! Read the info on the side first, then watch the video!!! So go here to watch, enjoy, fave, rate and comment!!!:

http : // www . youtube. com/ watch? v= MV1Xp5Z0YmQ

UPDATE 03-31-10!: Even MORE reader fan-art!!!! w Djali created another scene from the first chapter of Malady!!! It's so hot and cute!!!! Go here!!!:

http: // kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Enigma-159034649

And Lady-Yuna7 has drawn my OCs!!!!!!! WHOO!!!! Elici, Graves and Ratcliff!! They turned out so good!!!!! Go here!!!:

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Elici-159037862

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Graves-159037624

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Ratcliff-159037738

If none of the links work here, they're located in my profile as well. :3 So much thanks and love to them all for creating and sharing these with all of us! And I believe there will be more Malady fan-art to come in the future, so gear up and get ready!!

… And don't call me spoiled OMG!!


	29. Chapter TwentyNine: Caged Bird

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Caged Bird

* * *

Graves could hardly believe that Zack was there. He had thought he had saw him wandering around on the cargo ship, but couldn't get a good look while in hiding. The ship was full of seamen, so it was unmistakable spotting the man wandering around on deck. He stuck out like a sore thumb wearing his SOLDIER uniform, but was without his sword, and that struck Graves as a bit strange. That man seemed to be unable to detach himself from it normally. So Graves tried to follow him to get a better idea of what business he would have there, but with a lack of dress whites for himself, his movements were limited.

He managed to catch a glimpse of a helicopter taking flight shortly after he spotted Zack, and after that, the man was nowhere to be found. He briefly worried that Shin-Ra had sent Zack after him, but once Zack was nowhere to be seen, he relaxed, if only a little. He knew it was a matter of time before the company sent someone after him.

Now, Graves was in Costa del Sol, finally stretching his legs and back from being holed up as a stow-away for three days. The journey was faster than he expected, and he could only hope that he might have caught up with his prey who seemed to be one step ahead of him.

He first stopped off at a bar that was surprisingly busy for being early in the day, and he wasted no time in _getting wasted_. He didn't mean to drink that much, but after his journey so far, he thought he deserved a drink or two, or three. And with the women wandering around in bikinis, he couldn't help but buy them a few drinks, and partake in the consumption of more himself.

The buzz was feeling pretty nice, especially paired with some greasy food, decent music and a lively crowd. He felt so good, that when someone had bumped into him, he didn't mind as much. Usually, he would give the person a hard time and warn the person to watch it, in more or less words that were more or less not so friendly.

Somehow he made it out to the beach towards the late afternoon and fell into a relaxing sleep on a lounge chair in the sand. It was stupid of him to fall asleep in such an open area when he was on the run, but alcohol sometimes negated any sort of rational thought that Graves had. But he took comfort in the fact that he fell asleep with his sunglasses on, and with his arm slung over his face.

* * *

Graves had to admit that the beach was comforting. There was something about the warm sand beneath him and the cool breeze above him that made him feel as if he were completely relaxed. It reminded him of the vacation he took when he was younger.

Times had been hard that year, but their hard work was rewarded with a little bit more cash from the coal mines. His aunt Myrna had offered for the small family to vacation in Costa del Sol or the Gold Saucer, but his uncle Barret had refused for quite a long time. He didn't want to waste money on frivolous things, especially when his aunt hadn't been healthy. She had been stricken with illness, and his uncle was determined to save money to call in a good doctor to help her. But she was quite possibly the most stubborn woman in Corel – she had to be, to put up with his uncle – and eventually her decision was made final.

So the three traveled west to Costa del Sol when it was decided that the Gold Saucer was a bit too childish for both his uncle and himself. And his aunt didn't seem like she had the energy to wander around such a labyrinth and deal with all the children running amok.

The vacation started off decently, Graves had to admit. The first day there, both he and his uncle were on their best behavior, but after a day or two, his uncle started to complain about everything. Spending too much money, buying unnecessary souvenirs for the neighbors, the sun was too hot, the drinks not strong enough in the bars ….

Graves was still the impatient person he was then as he was now, and he reacted by snapping at his uncle and telling him to shut up and just enjoy the vacation, which of course was adding fuel to the fire and resulted in Graves ditching them to wander off on his own to cool down. He was respectful towards them for the most part, as they were kind enough to raise him, but Graves could only tolerate so much from his uncle and his short temper, and Graves usually found some sort of outlet to channel his own anger in. Most of the time it was something to revolt against Barret and ultimately piss him off, as any teenager would.

This time it was a tattoo.

He quite easily passed for an adult at a young age, as he was quick to gain facial hair in his youth, and his size alone would trick any person into thinking he was old enough to fork over gil to get a needle jabbed into him repeatedly. The first day was the outline, spanning across his broad chest from one pectoral to the other. He was new to the tattoo world and didn't think it would take a few days to complete the process, but it was too late at that point to turn it all around again. He cursed himself for not thinking things through, as he had only packed tank tops to the sunny resort, so he had to buy a t-shirt to hide the ink from his uncle until it was finished.

It took two more days, and a lot of his personal savings to complete it, and by the time it was done, both he and his uncle had cooled off, so Graves thought it would be safe to show him what he had gotten, since Barret had a few tattoos himself and seemed to enjoy them.

But it was never safe with his uncle.

First he had stormed into the tattoo parlor to yell at the artist who didn't bother checking Graves' true age, and then he spent the rest of that night blowing off steam by drinking down at the bar, knocking down the beach umbrellas, and then shouting at anyone who remotely looked at him with disdain. Graves' aunt on the other hand wouldn't speak to him and refused to be seen in public with him until he put on the t-shirt to hide it.

The remainder of the vacation was somewhat peaceful, save for a few flareups in their tempers. But that was usual within their family, and in a twisted way was a form of bonding for them, as usually after an argument, it was mended with playful taunts and lighthearted insults in reflection. In the end, his uncle had teased him about the tattoo when all was said and done, but reluctantly approved of it and of the unique choice of design. And in the end, it was a good vacation, and the only one that they would take.

Not long after, however, tempers were no longer manageable with mere jokes. Revolting against Barret was the only thing that the young Graves knew how to do, so what seemed like a typical argument between them one day was solved by Graves leaving to Midgar.

* * *

Cloud was feeling bottled up in the small clerical area with the sounds of the fax machine screeching behind him, the sound of the phone buzzing with callers on hold, and the insufferable muzak above on the speakers. The more these noises grated into his nerves, the

more his leg bounced. The more his leg bounced, the more the part-time receptionist seemed to work slower and become less helpful. Not that she was any help to begin with.

She would much rather take the opportunity of having a shy and confused boy do her job for her while she nestled herself in the corner playing some cellphone game that caused her to scoff every once in a while, and then laugh almost rudely. It took Cloud a little while to realize that she wasn't playing a game, but possibly texting friends, which didn't make the situation any more tolerable.

Cloud had tried to speak up and ask for help, but she would, in the most fake voice he had ever heard anyone use, tell him that he was doing just fine and that it was a good learning experience for him, and that she was right there if he would really and truly need her. Normally he would take that as a challenge and push himself, despite her obvious affectation of actually caring, but he had little to no sleep the night before, and now was suffering from a headache.

In fact, it was more of a migraine than just a simple headache. He could feel his pulse throbbing through his temples, each little noise seemed to be amplified in his head, and no matter how hard he squeezed his eyes shut, the light from the fluorescent bulbs above would somehow make its way to his vision. It caused him to clench his jaw, and that even made it all worse. He would try and relax, but with her cackling and all the other noises around him, that was next to impossible.

Feeling flustered was an understatement. He was panicked, especially when the psychologist had come out to check on a few things, and the part-time receptionist jumped right to work as if she was good as gold the entire time. Cloud didn't have the confidence to speak up, however, and just tried to tell himself that it would be over soon, and that perhaps he could wash away the terrible day with some time with Zack.

Lunchtime came not soon enough, and he bolted from there faster than they could clock out for their break. During his scramble to leave, he heard the psychologist ask him if he would be joining them in the breakroom for lunch, and he couldn't even recall giving her an answer. And if he had, it certainly wasn't a coherent one.

And it seemed that the office had taken a later lunch than usual, and so the cafeteria was practically empty since the units were continuing their day. Despite his headache, he would have enjoyed having a little bit of company, either to vent or just use as a distraction from everything, but the only people there were a few stray SOLDIERs scooting down the lunch line.

After he had went to Zack's apartment the night before, he ducked into the library to read, but couldn't gather and hold onto his thoughts long enough to comprehend what he had just read. His eyes would go through the motion of reading, and he would hear the words in his mind, but any information read would fail to be retained when he was done. He often would get like that at times when something bored him too much, like studying, but this was a leisure book and one of his favorites.

He was left feeling discouraged at the end of the previous night, and that feeling carried into today where everything just seemed to be working against him. Had he been in a better mood, his day might not have seemed so bad, but the little things were getting underneath his skin. He was hoping that having a nice meal would make him feel better, but the realization that he had to go back to the office and continue his day there made any comfort found in eating a good meal completely void.

Finishing his lunch came sooner than expected, and he was left with some time to kill, but he had nothing to do and no one to talk with. So he spent the last half of his lunch staring out of one of the windows that overlooked the barracks outside that housed the men in the SOLDIER boot camp.

He watched from above as the men scurried about in the obstacle course. The men were trotting through the weaver, heading towards what everyone dubbed the 'stairway to heaven'. It seemed similar to the course that the infantrymen endured, but this course was longer, with shorter time limits, and even the obstacles themselves seemed to be built larger, even from viewing them from floors above.

Cloud could faintly hear the men shouting as they made their way through, and if he looked hard enough he could sort of make out one man from the other. He decided he wanted to get a closer look at them, as he still had a significant amount of time left on his lunch, so he took the elevator down about six floors or so to where a lounge with a balcony off this side of the building was.

The lounge was mostly full of office workers, but there were some infantrymen walking around, but most likely just on patrol. He often wondered why he wasn't assigned for patrol throughout the building on his light-duty. It was easy; nothing ever happened. There had been a few attacks on the building from the Genesis copies, but it had been a while since the last attack and since then had been calm.

Perhaps he would just be a liability if something were to happen and he wasn't in his best shape. But regardless, it was peaceful and boring, really, so he was left feeling a bit bitter about it all.

The balcony only had a few people off to the side, either fiddling with their cellphones or smoking. He felt out of place between all the men and women in suits, but they paid him no mind. There was one gentleman leaning off the railing looking down towards the men below running through the course, and Cloud joined in, but at a respectable distance.

Cloud was almost hoping for a conversation, but on second thought couldn't really think of what he would talk about with this man, so he stayed quiet and then hoped that he would too. But the man actually greeted him after he put out his cigarette and asked how his day was going for the sake of conversation. Cloud just lied and said that it was fine, even though it wasn't. Cloud inquired as to how his day was going as well, and the man replied that it was fine. But judging by the second cigarette that was lit in haste, perhaps he was having a similar day to Cloud's.

They went silent and stared down at the SOLDIER recruits below, listening to their grunts and cries, and to the operatives yelling at them to keep going if they were to waver. Cloud could see them clearly now, and was able to actually see faces, even if it was still a bit far away. He watched them – studied them – for about ten minutes and he frowned to himself.

The men below collected themselves and received their times on the course, then started to assemble with their issued broadswords to practice. It looked as if they were continuing on a lesson as the men automatically paired off into sparring partners without so much direction from the SOLDIER operatives that observed the recruits.

Graves wasn't there.

Cloud looked to the man beside him, who was finally finishing up that cigarette, and asked him if those were indeed the newest SOLDIERs, and the man nodded and said that he came out there every day for the past three weeks to watch the men train since they began, and that it looked like a grueling process for them, but everyone seemed to be handling it well.

But Cloud stopped listening to the last part of the man's speech as something clicked inside his head. Three weeks. The SOLDIER tryouts were three weeks ago, when he was in the hospital the first time. Elici had been the one that was promoted, not Graves. But perhaps Graves _had_ been promoted, but never mentioned anything until it was finalized. But if it had been finalized, it would have been _three weeks ago _and he would have started the boot camp when these men did.

He continued staring down at the men, trying to convince himself that it was just too hard to see as he tried to really take in the men's features. He could get closer to see better, right up to the chain-linked fence if he wanted, but he didn't have the time. In fact, before he realized it, he was already five minutes late in returning back to his duty.

He cursed rather loudly as he realized it would probably take another five minutes getting back, and he panicked. He wasn't sure how much trouble he would get into for being late, but even being a single minute late for his regular duties could result in tongue-lashings and strange punishments, and surely if he were late to even light-duty it could result in something similar later on from his superiors if it were to be reported back.

Pressing the button for the floor in the elevator numerous times did not make the elevator move any faster, but there wasn't much else for him to do to make him feel better besides cursing and fidgeting in his own skin. The cart seemed to take its sweet time getting to the floor, and when the doors opened he bolted from the elevator and ran as fast as he could without knocking into anyone in the hallways. He reached the double doors and entered roughly, but then stopped short, his breath coming out in ragged pants.

"Strife? What're you doing here?"

Cloud blinked in confusion, his eyes going from Kunsel who stood before him, waiting for his answer, to another SOLDIER next to Kunsel that he didn't recognize, and then to the men in the unit who were standing at attention in an inspection line.

He was in the barracks.

"You alright?" Kunsel said slowly, looking him over as the other SOLDIER was giving him a similar look.

Cloud stammered for a moment, glancing around and trying to figure out how he ended up back there and not the medical ward. It wasn't even on the same floor. "Y-yes, sir. I just …"

"Did you need something here …?"

He could feel the eyes of the men in his unit staring at him, even though their gaze was straight ahead on Kunsel, waiting for instructions. "No, nothing, sir. Sorry, sir." He turned and walked swiftly to the doors.

"Strife, wait! I have a message for you!"

Cloud shook his head as he opened the door. "Sorry, sir, I have to go. I'm late!"

"But it's from–" Kunsel watched as the doors shut, and he sighed, his shoulders slumping. "–Zack."

* * *

It didn't take long for the afternoon sun to beat down on his skin, and it heated him to where it practically sobered him up. Graves grumbled himself awake and found that the beach was getting too full for his liking. It had the beautiful women that he liked, but children were now running around making a ruckus and kicking sand about with their shrill squeals, and he would much rather be listening to SOLDIER operatives yelling at him and demeaning him. He decided to drop into several of the bars that the town had, not only to get something to eat and possibly drink again, but to begin to ask around about Mejia.

He knew Mejia was a man to frequent bars often, as there were plenty of times that he ran into him back in Midgar when he was out on the town during liberty. They would keep their distance from each other, even before Graves began to hate him for what he did to Ratcliff.

Angels Mejia once shared the barrack with the men not as a superior, but as an equal. He kept to himself, really only speaking when spoken to, only fought back when provoked; just a typical grunt. His rifle scores were impressive, as was his physical fitness abilities and materia usage. He was pretty much on par with Graves, so it came as a shock to the man when Mejia was promoted to 3rd Class over him, and countless other men who tried out, including Elici.

It was rumored that he paid off some of the operatives above as a bribe to be promoted, but then of course rumors of Mejia offering sexual favors as a bribe were never too far behind. Then again, those types of rumors floated around about anyone that proved to be some sort of threat to everyone else, and even those rumors were spread about Kunsel as well, although those were over the fact that he gave blowjobs for information. When Kunsel heard about those rumors, he took it in stride and laughed it off, because that was what had to be done. It wouldn't be worth putting his position in danger by losing his cool over rumors.

But Mejia seemed to take those rumors to heart and let them eat away at him. Once he returned from the SOLDIER boot camp as a superior, it was either the rumors or the simple fact that he had to prove himself to those he once called his peers that caused his demeanor to turn. The once neutral man was suddenly a maelstrom of cynicism and hostility towards those who opposed him, and even towards some who didn't. Standard heckling towards the unit was taken too far, twisted and abused for his own sense of personal glory.

It was hard to pass it off as simply 'trying to prove himself'. At first, there were some who tried to give the man the benefit of the doubt, and they tried to put themselves in his shoes. Going from one of them, to someone who suddenly had authority must have been difficult. Mejia received a lot of disrespect from a good majority of those around him – or below him, rather – and it was a constant struggle to assert his position above them. Yelling, disciplining … it hardly had any effect on the men, so a drastic change of commanding had to be implemented to at least gain a little respect.

New rumors began to spread about Mejia threatening those who opposed him. Yelling and disciplining turned to threats and physical confrontations, possibly even extortion and blackmail. Whatever he could use in his arsenal to win respect, he would take it. But whatever respect he may have gained soon turned into a combination of fear and apathy. Morale and motivation suffered, tempers flared … the unit was knocked into disarray.

There were other SOLDIERs assigned to lead the unit alongside him, but Mejia seemed to knock whoever was sent out of the race, whether it was from a lack of teamwork, fear, or aggression, so Shin-Ra assigned 2nd Class Kunsel to lead. He was almost sent in as a babysitter, and of course that rubbed Mejia the wrong way, and perhaps he even attempted to outsmart Kunsel, but that man always seemed to have dirt on everyone else, but nothing on him. So Mejia could do nothing but accept it, and work beneath the 2nd Class with seemingly good behavior, until Kunsel's back was turned.

Mejia took the phrase, 'when the cat is away, the mice will play', and ran with it. That was when he would implement his reign of terror and push what the SOLDIERs were allowed to do with the infantrymen a little too far. But by then most of the men where either too scared to do or say anything about it, or their silence was bought, whether it be literally bought, or figuratively. Either way, when Mejia would have his fun with tormenting the men, nothing was ever said or done about it.

But even still, Mejia would never really take his aggression out towards Graves, and perhaps it was because the man wasn't as gutsy as he portrayed himself to be. Graves noticed that he continued to keep that distance they had before, but mainly focused on the men who were more susceptible to his foul play. Preying on the weak – it was a nature that stemmed from the animals. It was how predators survived in the wild, and was no different with the men of Shin-Ra. The company itself was established on such a concept. Siphoning energy from the Planet, it had no way of defending itself. So man took that opportunity to manipulate and use it for man's own personal gain.

So who was to say that it was _unnatural _to survive in such a way in the army? Oftentimes it reminded Graves of the proverbial bully – heckling the weaker children for lunch money. Admittedly, it was amusing for Graves to watch at times, as he was no stranger to such mannerisms, but when Mejia began to mistreat Ratcliff, and then began to aim it towards Cloud when the boy joined, that was when Graves drew a line. Selfish, he knew, but he felt that he couldn't fight for everyone all the time, otherwise Shin-Ra would be a one-man army consisting of only him.

Graves was now feeling rather disgusted with himself for allowing his thoughts to not only muse, but muse about such a worthless man. He was not one to dwell on much, and just doing so only fueled his anger, which to him might not have been so much of a bad thing as it was reckless. He found himself buying another beer and sauntering around the bar throwing out general descriptions of his 'lost friend', whom he had traveled with there on vacation. He realized that most of these people were tourists and most likely came and went frequently. And then he realized that most of these people were hammered around the clock, so it was useless talking to them.

He poked around a few shops, not only asking for information, but trying to sweet-talk some of the shopkeepers to give him a little bit of a discount. Perhaps he shouldn't have bought so much beer at the bars. He managed to haggle the prices of some potions and accessories down, but not the materia. The man manning the materia booth was more than adamant that the prices stayed where they were, if not slightly higher than normal. Graves regretted being unable to buy any healing materia, but bought potions instead, even if it took up more space in his seabag than he planned.

It was a bit cumbersome, but after a few minutes of sitting on the beach and reorganizing his bag, he accomplished getting everything in there that he needed, with room to spare, which he just filled that space with whatever foods he could restock up on. He even managed to keep enough room for a few of his dirty magazines, which he just rolled up and shimmied between everything else. But keeping these magazines not only served to amuse him when he was bored, they also served to fill the space in between his items so they wouldn't rattle around as he traveled, making his movements quieter and perhaps more stealthy.

After wandering around for a bit, he realized that his newly shaved head was getting sunburned. He had completely forgotten that he had shaved off his hair in Junon, and it wasn't until there was a stinging sensation on his scalp when he entered the rays of the sun did he notice. He was also used to wearing his issued helmet while outdoors, but now that he had discarded it off into the ocean once he smuggled himself aboard the sea vessel, he had to remember to take precautions that he normally wouldn't have to think about. Perhaps the local clinic would have sunscreen. That was when the realization of a newfound freedom hit him.

He had been with Shin-Ra for three years. Once he signed the contract, he signed his individuality, his life over to the company. The company tried to get him and the other men to stop thinking for themselves, and start thinking as Shin-Ra property – nothing more than a tool for their gain. He was told when to wake, what to eat, when to shower, when to sleep … He had hoped that he could endure it longer as he tried to make his way into SOLDIER. He saw the sense of freedom that the SOLDIERs seem to have, more so than the infantry division, and he had wanted it. To get paid more for doing what he loved most, for relatively being his own person – as much as Shin-Ra would allow – Graves had wanted it.

He put up with what he would consider a lot of _shit_ as a grunt in infantry, and he felt as if he had worked hard enough to get some sort of recognition. When Mejia passed him up as SOLDIER he was jealous – offended, even. His outlook towards Shin-Ra quickly turned to disgruntlement and resentment. What used to be the energy he put into motivation to be the best, then began to steer towards flaunting himself in other ways, since he was overlooked. Heckling, taunting, inflating his bravado – all were tactics to assert his presence with the other men, but was no longer focused on asserting himself to continue on in SOLDIER any longer.

He wondered if there would be a way out. He had signed a six year contract, and felt as if he could no longer even stand to be there after only a few. His freedom was slipping away – it _had_ slipped away. But when Mejia fled Shin-Ra, Graves had to follow. It was his way out, it was his way of justifying setting himself free. Graves was not a man of many regrets, and he tried not to think about what Shin-Ra would do to him for deserting, but as ignorant and naïve as it sounded, he would cross that bridge when he got to it. Perhaps there could be someway for him to turn this all around and mask it over as if he were some sort of hero, but somehow he doubted that. Perhaps he could have Zack or Kunsel defend him, but upon further thought, he really didn't deserve – let alone earn – any defense from either of those men.

* * *

The day finally ended with the annoying beeping of the time clock as he punched in his time, and he couldn't leave the office fast enough once again. And dinner in the chow hall was lonely _once again_. For added effect to his misery, the light above the table he sat at as he ate flickered and died out, playing into the already isolated feeling he had that day, and for the past few days. It was conveniently ironic, he had thought, and briefly scoffed a small laugh at it.

He then had tried to go to Zack's apartment after he ate, but the man wasn't home yet again. He couldn't help but hopelessly wait around for him, hoping that he would return after business hours, even if he was on duty all the time and business hours didn't really apply to him. Cloud didn't know what else to do. And he had only meant to stay there for thirty minutes, but he lost track of time, despite doing nothing but standing around, and a half hour turned into a full hour.

Cloud felt pathetic, there was no other word he could use for himself at that moment. He felt like he needed someone to talk to – anyone – but there seemed to be no one around that would remotely care about anything he had to say. Ratcliff still hadn't returned from his mission and even Kunsel seemed to have been either granted liberty or was assigned a mission of his own. He was hoping to catch a few words with him, but the 3rd Class SOLDIER who was with Kunsel earlier that day was now in charge of the unit, he saw as he entered, and that made everything seem even more strange and foreign. Of course, Kunsel had been solely in charge of the barrack without any liberty since Mejia disappeared, so he wasn't that surprised. The man needed a break, it seemed.

That SOLDIER introduced himself to Cloud rather firmly, and whether that was because he was trying to seem like a typical SOLDIER, or because he was wary of him from his behavior when he entered the barracks earlier, Cloud wasn't sure. He could care less, and he found himself unable to stop himself from immediately asking if he had heard anything back about Ratcliff, to which the SOLDIER simply shook his head and almost seemed offended that he would be so quick to question without so much as an introduction in return.

Cloud read into his expression and quickly righted himself and offered a salute, an apology, and finally his rank and name – standard introduction, which by now was like second nature to him. After a conversation was shared about Cloud being on light-duty and his capabilities, Cloud forced himself to relax on his bunk and read another one of his favorite books. It wasn't long until he lost interest, however, and he had to leave the barracks as more men from the unit began to pile in and cause a ruckus.

He wandered around for a bit, passing by many of the SOLDIERs and infantryman who were returning from missions, classes and drills. He scanned them for anyone that he knew, but it was just full of unfamiliar faces. It was frustrating, as he felt a strong urge to just have someone to talk to, and the brief thought of seeing if the psychologist was still in her office crossed his mind, but that was quickly wiped away as fast as it wiggled its unwanted way in.

He didn't even know what he wanted to talk about. It didn't have to be about anything in particular. He just … wanted to interact with someone that he cared about, and that cared about him, no matter how much or how little. He found himself at Zack's apartment, once again knocking on the door and listening intently. But he never came. Time was lost once more, and it wasn't until Cloud felt himself nodding off as he leaned against the wall did he realize he was being pathetic all over again.

* * *

Graves reached the clinic and entered, immediately being swallowed up by the smell of sterile dressings and a nauseating cleanliness. It was a smaller facility, mostly consisting of a few rooms dedicated to beach-goers who suffered either heatstroke, sunburns or drowning, or sometimes a combination of the three. Perhaps even a few rooms were equipped with stomach pumps for the occasional tourist who binged on nothing but chili cheese fries and alcohol for a weekend.

It was fairly empty, and the only sounds were of a few heart monitors bleeping in some rooms, and a few nurses chatting with each other at a nurses' station. He glanced around for a moment, taking in everything that he could. The nurses' mannerisms, and the energy in the room was calm as they laughed and hardly took a second look at him as he approached.

He stopped at the main desk in view of the nurses' station behind and he waited. He realized he didn't have much of a plan at that point, and quickly began to put together some sort of plan on a very short whim.

A few nurses turned their heads at him as he reached the front desk, and he smiled wide, hoping to draw one of the female nurses to him, but a male nurse greeted him instead.

"Are you admitting or visiting?"

Graves shook his head from his failed thoughts and looked at the man who seemed in no way interested in any answer Graves would give. "What?"

"Do you need medical attention, or–"

"Naw. Was jus' wonderin' if ya sold sunscreen here. My head is gettin' burnt."

"We have samples for our patients, but the actual product is sold at the kiosk outside the inn on the other side of town," he said blandly, almost robotic.

"Ah, got it. Thanks, bro." He turned to walk away, as did the nurse, but he stopped and slapped a hand to the counter. "Actually. I'm visiting."

"Oh?" The nurse stopped himself from turning and peered at Graves almost suspiciously.

"Yeah, uh. My friend. Well, see, he's not really a friend ..." Graves said, and the nurse lifted an eyebrow at him as he stumbled for not only his words, but a solid plan. He was trying to think hard; to think like a SOLDIER on the run. Mejia was a wanted man, would he be stupid enough to use his real name if he were to visit an infirmary? Would he even visit an infirmary and run the risk of being holed up in one spot for too long?

The nurse waited for him to continue, tapping a pen against the desk in annoyance.

"See, this bro was hurt bad, real bad. Right in the gut." He motioned down to his stomach where he saw the sword wound inflicted by Kunsel's blade. "I helped 'im out with a monster he was havin' trouble with, but then he took off. Was just wonderin' if he might've been here an' if he was cool an' all. Jus' a shot in the dark."

"What's the patient's name?"

"See, that's what I dun know. Was jus' passin' him in the fields and saw he needed help. I like to help people, ya know? Couldn't jus' leave the poor bastard." And how he meant the 'bastard' part.

"Description?"

"Fuck, bro, I dunno. He's like, my age, my height, a little smaller build, tan skin, but lighter than mine, brown hair …"

"Wait here." The nurse walked off and disappeared behind a partition at the nurses' station. He heard murmuring behind between the male nurse and a female nurse.

Graves pressed his lips together. He wasn't sure where he was going with all this, and what he would do if Mejia was really there or not. And if he was allowed to see him ….

A brief moment later and the male nurse returned with a frown and actually a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry, sir, but that patient has requested no visitors."

"Well, what's the bro's name so I can look 'im up later? Wanted to ask 'im where he got his sword."

"Sorry, the patient has also requested that his personal information not to be disclosed with anyone."

Graves offered up a casual shrug, even though he was shouting expletives from excitement in his head. "Hey, man, it's cool. I understand all that shit." Graves slapped the counter lightheartedly a few times before he turned to leave after flashing the same large and flirtatious smile he walked in with. He didn't care that the nurse was a man, he was just happy to hear him speak those words. "Thanks anyway, bro," he said, and he left.

Mejia was actually there. He knew that the injury must have been serious, and it was just his luck that Mejia would have to seek medical attention for it. Now he just had to figure out how to pay him a visit. It would take a bit of thinking, and he would get to that in a little bit. He wanted to celebrate a little for finally catching up to him. Maybe he would check back in, or stake out the clinic across the way at a bar.

When he stepped out into the streets, he instinctively went to reach for his issued helmet, but chuckled when he realized it was no longer on his person. It was a strange feeling, but a welcomed one. He would still have to find that sunscreen, as he could feel his scalp burning, but for now, he walked around in the sun without his helmet, and for once in a long while felt what he thought was freedom and freethinking. And it felt … liberating.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty: R&R

Ending Author's Note (gonna be kinda long, but bear with me!): So, how many of you snickered at the word "seamen" in the beginning, hm? Show of hands? Dirty, dirty people. ;D So, a little bit of past history on Graves and Mejia for you. And anyone curious to know what Graves' tattoo is, you'll soon find out in a few chapters. Heehee, this chapter so far has the least amount of dialogue in it, compared to the rest, I noticed. Hope that didn't bother anyone.

SO. A few things to mention!

First off, I mention dress whites at the beginning of this chapter, and all that is is the white sailor suits that sailors in the navy wear. At least, US sailors. Lol My dad was in the navy back in the Vietnam war, and I asked him what those were called, and he gave me this incredibly long description about each and every uniform that they have. See where I get my long windedness from? Daddy Ziggy... ~

AND ONCE AGAIN! MORE MALADY FAN-ART! *dances a lively jig!* I'm just … so overwhelmed with all of the Malady love lately, that I can hardly contain myself. It's freaking nuts, and I just absolutely love it all!!

Djali has created another piece, that's just...so hot and cute and funny all at the same time. It's based off the very first chapter, from a scene that I enjoyed writing, and that people enjoyed reading. XD So go here to view and all that other fun stuff!:

http: // kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com / art/ Malady-Enigma-159034649

And Lady-Yuna7 has drawn my three good OCs!!! Soo awesome!!! So if you're curious to know what they look like (both her interpretation, and mine as well), go here!:

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com / art/ Malady-Elici-159037862

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com / art/ Malady-Graves-159037624

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com / art/ Malady-Ratcliff-159037738

Remember to take out the spaces in the web addresses, and they're also located in my profile as well for your convenience if you're having trouble. :3 But Ratcliff …! So cute omg!!! 8D

So I'd like to dedicate this chapter to both Lady-Yuna7 and Djali, as well as MeykoLove, Lady Gunblade and Panda's Forever Yeah for all their beautiful fanstuffs for this story!!! Honestly, they help motivate me when things get tough...and this for some reason was a tough chapter for me to get through, I will admit.

And of course, all the readers help me too!! w Thank you all for your support, reading, reviewing, enjoying! Heeee I get so mushy I have to control myself …

Anyway, one last thing, and I swear I'm done. Ever wonder how Mejia's name is pronounced? The phonetic pronunciation of it is 'meh-HEE-ah'. The origin of the name is Spanish. :3 Ever wonder where I got the name from? Well, my ex boyfriend was a United States Marine, and one of his buddies was named Mejia, and he always talked about him so the name stuck out in my head. For some reason I started thinking of the name Mejia whenever I would think of anyone in the military. I really should have named Mejia with my ex's last name instead, now that I think of it. *frowns* Damn, well, I'll use it for another time, for another story, perhaps.

ANYWAY! Time to shut my yap! Next chapter will be out in two weeks (for Ziggy's sanity) on Tuesday, April 20th!

See you all then!!


	30. Chapter Thirty: R&R

Chapter Thirty: R&R

* * *

Staking out the clinic was not so much a daunting task as it was boring. He wasn't good at thinking of plans to get into the clinic, so the only thing that came to mind was to sit across the street at a café and watch to see if Mejia would exit anytime soon. It wasn't the most clever plan, but it was simple and pretty much fail safe. When the café closed, he headed next door to a bar that had a smoking area outside by some tables and chairs and would watch the front entrance for anyone going in or out.

Preventing himself from becoming distracted with drinks, food, and the women bouncing around in bikinis took a lot of effort, but he found pride in keeping himself focused enough to not let someone pass from the building without catching a good glimpse. Unfortunately, having a good view of the place was useless when it came down to the matter of sleep, and perhaps he didn't think things through that much.

Graves wasn't that familiar with the workings of clinics or hospitals, but he was assuming that when patients were discharged, it would be during the day. That means that if Mejia were to sneak out, which he might do while on the run, it would be at night when there were less nurses running about. But then again, less nurses might mean a heightened attentiveness for the patients at night … so he was unsure when he should at least try and get a few hours of sleep, if any at all.

All of this thinking was driving Graves crazy. He didn't know to what extent the man was injured, when he would be discharged, or even _if _he would be discharged. It could be days to weeks for all he knew. If it took a while for the man to heal, Graves didn't have enough money to stay at the inn for too long, let alone any time at all, and he couldn't _only_ sleep out on the beach. He would eventually need a warm bed to sleep in, and a relaxing shower, and that was not something that he could afford.

Faking an injury or illness came to mind, or even drinking himself under the table came to mind, just so he would have a reason to be admitted into the clinic. Anything to get him back in the rooms and hallways to have a look around. He was almost hoping that he would catch someone drowning out in the ocean, just so he could bring the person into the clinic and claim they were somehow relatives, but the likelihood of that happening was slim.

Perhaps he could get into a bar fight and deck someone good, then drag the poor sap into the clinic. That actually wasn't that bad an idea, and it beat sitting in wait for hours for something to happen.

Eventually, the bar closed and he was forced to take up watch elsewhere. He managed to slip between two buildings adjacent to the clinic, and made himself comfortable while he just … waited. The night passed by slowly, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore almost lulling him into a sleep he so desperately tried to shun. He was tired – very tired – from his journey, and his body was in a constant fight against his will. He managed to keep himself awake by circling around the building, looking through any of the windows that might have had their blinds open for Mejia, but most of them were drawn. And the ones that weren't, the rooms were empty.

The late night shifted into early morning, the light of the sun began to chase away the dark sky, bringing the warmth and comfort of the tropic weather. The shops and the few businesses in the town began to open one by one, and yet, the streets remained relatively quiet. Most of the tourists were sleeping away the effects of the alcohol consumed the night before, resting their bodies for another day of the same indulgence; to continue on with the cycle.

And Graves continued on with his cycle. As soon as the café opened, he grabbed a coffee the way he liked it – plain and black. He thought the additives – sugar, syrups, whipped cream – were all pointless and disgusting anyway. It was like putting steak sauce on a steak to him. If he had to add steak sauce to a steak, it must not have been a very good cut to begin with. Just don't eat the damn steak and pick better next time, was how he saw it. Coffee was the same. He liked the flavor of coffee itself … not the overpowering sugary crap the barista pumped in.

The same seat he sat in the day before was taken up once again, and he savored his hot beverage before the heat of the sun began to overpower everything and make drinking it unbearable. He did something he rarely did, which was people watch. Normally he wouldn't have the patience to sit and just watch people make idiots of themselves as they wandered around, but it was distracting enough to keep him focused. A strange concept, but if he didn't have something to cause an occasional diversion from something even more boring – sitting in wait – then he might have ditched the entire effort and go lounge around scoping out the women all day.

Which was essentially the same thing, but a little bit more entertaining and tailored to his preferences.

That was when he saw him. There was no sword, no SOLDIER uniform, nothing that would make him stand out from the crowd, so why his eyes went to him, Graves wasn't sure. He was just thankful that he did catch a quick glimpse of the man walking from a building across the way towards the beach. It was making sense to him now, and on second thought, he had thought he remembered seeing him the previous day somewhere, but couldn't recall exactly where or if it was really him. Possibly seeing him in one of the bars Graves dipped in and out of made a lot of sense, so he didn't dwell on it for too much longer. His main concern was to stay out of sight.

The small crowd in the streets was thin, so he had a better chance of staying where he was, rather than standing and possibly bringing attention to himself. That was something that he learned to be wary of from the incident in Kalm. He didn't regret being spotted by Ratcliff, as that essentially led him to Mejia, and saved Cloud, or so he hoped. He forced himself to think about Cloud and how bad of shape he looked to be in Kalm. As much as he didn't want to, he tried to picture the things that might have happened to him, just to fuel his motivation and solidify his resolve. Whatever he could use in his fight against the man, he would take.

He did feel bad about leaving him there that day, but he had risked too much to stop and lose track of Mejia to see if the boy was all right. Admittedly, he was doing this for Elici, for his family he left behind, but the more he thought about it, it seemed to be more for himself. He briefly questioned his motives at one point, but then decided he was better off thinking that it didn't matter _why_ the man should be taken down, it just mattered _how _and by _who._

And as much as he respected the man that walked past him, heading towards the beach with a bored look on his face, he couldn't allow him to be the one that took Mejia down.

* * *

The Turks had been hanging around him everyday since he got there. Admittedly, half of the first day he had been quite buzzed that he didn't recognize the auburn-haired Turk lurking about him. Had he been sober, he might have noticed her a bit sooner than he did. Or perhaps, if his mind wasn't so occupied on Cloud and everything else, he might have taken a few extra moments to notice his surroundings instead of going through the motions and not processing anything around him.

In all honestly, he wasn't so surprised to see her relaxing on the beach a few lounge chairs down on the second day. She was rubbing tanning oil on her arms and legs, and just casually flashed Zack a sly grin as if to mock him when he looked over at her. She was no longer hard to miss; that bright yellow bikini drew his eyes over. She said that their vacations 'overlapped', but Zack didn't believe one word of it. It was frustrating to him; no one had mentioned Angeal or Genesis lately. No one even mentioned Mejia or Graves. Everything was just being glossed over with suspiciously-timed vacations filled with warm sand and alcoholic drinks that could be charged to the expense account.

_Is this how little SOLDIER is worth these days?_

Avoiding Cissnei was challenging, especially in such a small resort town. Avoiding boredom was even more of a challenge, as after four days of this town, he did all he could do. Bars could only seem appealing for so long before he became sick of alcohol, swimming in the ocean lost its charm when a jellyfish decided to become a bit too curious with him and stung him on the leg, and tanning could only go so far on his already tan skin.

His day had perked up a bit when his cellphone beeped and he realized he was sent a text message. It was even better when he saw that it was from Kunsel, and his heart raced with excitement over what it could have said, considering how silent his friend had been lately. But his hopes were dashed as quick as the inbox could open, as all the message said was, 'Sorry, man, been on a mission. Can't tell Cloud. I'll be back tomorrow.'

Zack nearly crushed his phone in his hand as the realization that Cloud was left in the dark over his whereabouts hit him. Perhaps he could text Reno and request that he inform Cloud of where he was so the boy didn't worry, but then he remembered that he thought he saw the redhead wandering around somewhere with Tseng in the town.

He was surprised to see Tseng. At first, he didn't believe it was him; he didn't think that Tseng would be on vacation, and perhaps the man actually took to heart what Zack had blurted out to him as he left his office a few days ago. It was funny to see Tseng in such a setting wearing his uniform still, and he snorted at the thought of the man actually letting loose and relaxing for a moment, although he probably never would. Zack had tried to go and pester the man about everything when he saw him at a bar, to ask him how much longer he was to be there for and such, but Cissnei always seemed to swoop in and distract him with booze. Eventually he lost sight of Tseng, and he hadn't seen him since. That was two days ago.

Emotions – anger mostly – were running high, and he could do nothing but wait out his time by staring at the ridiculously blue ocean until his eyes hurt. And he could do nothing but channel those emotions on what he did best – squats, of course.

Normally he wouldn't break a sweat, but the heat of the sun and the amount of squats he had actually done already began to weigh heavily on his stamina, and he grunted with each squat. He had lost count of how many he completed already, but he assumed it had to be about two hundred, given the stiffness in his knees. Mako coursed through the fibers in his muscles at the same flow of the frustration in his mind. One fueled his exercise, the other fueled his musing thoughts.

"Want some oil?"

Zack didn't even bother turning his head. He knew who was approaching him down the steps. There hadn't been anyone else socializing with him since he had arrived there. "I don't need that kind of stuff!" he said between annoyed grunts and squats. "What the hell is this!? Have I been left out again!?"

"You could use some R&R," she said with a sympathetic smile.

Zack stopped squatting as she approached him. He couldn't take it anymore, and he wasn't sure if it was the squats that was tiring him out, or everything else weighing on him. "I've had enough!" he said, stretching his arms above his head before he let them fall to his sides. "I think I'll give him a call." He glanced around to the little lounge area he had been calling home for the past few days for his phone. He spotted it in the sand nestled between a few empty glasses of some tropical drinks he decided to try. They weren't bad, and generally he'd stay away from them because sometimes they looked too …_ unmanly _… to be in his hand, so he stuck with beers on any other occasion. But there weren't many people around to judge him, considering that everyone else seemed to have one in their hand as well.

"Director Lazard's not in," she said, much too casually, which received an interesting expression from Zack as he stopped reaching for his phone. He looked as if he were expecting her to laugh it off as a joke. "He's been missing for a while now," she said, continuing despite the look he was giving her. "It's believed that he's been funding Hollander's research. With the company's money, no less."

"Are you serious?" he said, his eyebrows raising in disbelief.

She turned her head to the side, unable to really look at him any longer. She knew he was having a rough time lately – that was obvious – and she did hope that he could relax somewhat on this vacation, even if it was against his will. She felt bad for even bringing this up to him, but felt that he deserved some honesty in everything, for what it was worth. "We're interrogating Hollander, so we should learn more soon."

"What is this?"

She looked back to him as he turned away, staring ahead at the calm ocean, watching as the waves lapped up against the shore. "Hm?"

"I'm just wondering what everyone is thinking."

"The truth lies within each person. But even the truth seems suspect … once it leaves their mouths...."

Zack scoffed. He found that very ironic, especially coming from a Turk. But it was true. Zack was losing the ability to have faith. He felt that things were spiraling out of his control, and yet no one was asking for his help for anything. Not his friends, not Shin-Ra … not even Cloud, the one person who he thought would. Things had been so open between them before everything … but now ….

He couldn't think of many more people that he could confide in, let alone trust. The only person that came to mind was Sephiroth. He seemed neutral throughout everything, perhaps even understanding of the situations. The man might not have shown much interest in things with his personal life, but the little bit that he did made him seem favorable towards Zack's troubles. Maybe, if he caught the man on a good day, he could request that he send a message to Cloud ….

"Cissnei, go do something," he said, waving her off before he turned around to reach for his phone.

Cissnei crossed her arms, a small smirk appearing on her face. "Calling _Aerith_?"

Zack whipped around, shocked – not at the fact that she thought he was going to call Aerith, but at the fact that she even knew about his old girlfriend in the first place. "How do you know that? Am I being watched or something?" Of course he was, it had been so painfully obvious, but he hoped that if he took the opportunity to let them know that he knew, perhaps the Turks would back off.

"No, she's the one being watched."

"Huh?" He was not expecting that answer, and even though they weren't together anymore, something about that still didn't sit right with him.

"That girl is an Ancient, the only one left in the world. You didn't know?"

"She … never said anything." He turned and faced the ocean, a cool breeze blowing across his bare chest. It smelled good, but there was something off. He couldn't quite put his finger on it. The air suddenly felt … thick. "The only one … left in the world, huh …?"

_I wonder if Cloud feels like that lately. Alone, isolated …._

* * *

It was impressive to actually stand close to the fence and watch the SOLDIER recruits go through the obstacles. It felt surreal to be the one standing on the outside and looking in, given that he had been one of the ones on the inside once, going through all those motions, pushing himself as far as his body and mind would allow. Granted, it wasn't SOLDIER, but the concept was the same with the infantry division. Seemingly impossible feats would be placed in front of them, and the men would have to detach themselves from their limitations and reach just an inch past to gain a standing – some worth – in the eyes of the superiors observing them.

They were modified, then molded. Once individuality was stripped away, they were pushed to become something not of man, not even something with value. Puppets – that was often how some of the men described themselves feeling in the army. And the men that ran by Cloud as he stood and watched each looked as if they were mindlessly following one path, for one purpose.

But despite that, he could clearly distinguish each person that passed by. Each of the men wore the same exact PT gear, but the bodies beneath were each unique. Regardless of how they looked, he knew that each man had a different story in their life, each had a different reason for doing what they were doing at that moment. From afar, they did look all the same, but he could clearly see every one of them now.

The men finished their run through the obstacle course and assembled off a little ways from where Cloud was standing and observing. He could hear a little bit of what one of the operatives was saying to the men, and it seemed as if they were being dismissed for a break of some sort. They disbanded and a few chose to run through the course again, while a few walked off the exercise around the enclosed compound.

A small group passed by him, and he suddenly felt silly for standing there watching, but he had seen other people do it before, so it wasn't that strange. He nodded respectfully to them as they passed and they just seemed to ignore him.

One stopped, however, and turned back around. "Hey, got a cigarette?"

Cloud stiffened, but more out of attention and habit than out of fear. "No, sir. Sorry, sir."

"That's too bad. Well, not for you. That's good for you, bad for me."

"Yes, sir."

"You've been standing there for a while. Saw you out here yesterday too. Don't you have infantry shit to do?"

Cloud groaned in his head. He hated admitting that he was on light-duty, especially to one that was a superior, technically. And he couldn't exactly say he was on liberty while in full uniform. "No, sir. I'm on light-duty."

"Ah, a broke dick."

Cloud also hated that term. It was coined to anyone who was injured, or quite possibly faking an injury to get out of training and missions. He had nothing to say in reply to that, but just frowned.

The SOLDIER scoffed a laugh, shaking his head. "If you can't handle a stupid name, then you can't handle this, _Broke Dick_. Go back to your office, and leave the daydreaming to someone who can take this on," he said almost playfully, despite the words he used. He smiled a little at him, and perhaps it was his twisted way of motivating the cadets he came across. Cloud preferred Zack's methods a little bit better.

"Speaking of that, may I ask you something, sir?"

"I dunno, you didn't have a cigarette for me. I might not be willing to answer."

"Are you serious, sir?" Cloud said, trying to suppress the annoyance in his voice.

"Buy me some cigarettes and I'll tell you whatever you want."

"I can't buy you cigarettes, sir. I'm not old enough."

"Aw shit, guess you're outta luck then, Broke Dick."

Cloud rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at the ground in defeat. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Naw, I'm just joking. What do you wanna know?"

"Really?" Cloud's head shot up quickly, and he winced a little. His head had been constantly aching for the past few days, but it was starting to go away, just not as fast as he would have liked. He tried taking an over the counter pain reliever for it, but it didn't help much.

"Calm down. Yeah, you gotta make it quick though. The longer I stand here the more the guys will think we're flirting."

"Sorry … I just wanted to know if there was a man named Graves in there with you guys."

"Graves?" He fell silent for a moment, thinking. "Can't say that the name sounds familiar. But, kid, we got like a hundred or so recruits running around. Can't remember all their damn names."

Cloud glanced around the compound, estimating the number of men that he could see. "Looks about half, though …."

"Well, no shit, Broke Dick. We're split into two units. He could be in the other one. The other unit gets the field in the morning, we get it in the afternoon. Probably why you haven't seen him when you've been out here."

"Oh, maybe …."

"That all?"

The men behind in the compound began to migrate back towards the barracks, and Cloud could hear someone shouting orders in that direction. "Oh, yeah, thanks."

"If you come across a cigarette, bring it to me. They don't let us have them while we're in boot camp." The guy began to turn to head back, but stopped when Cloud began to speak again.

"Sure thing … uh … If you come across a big guy named Graves, can you tell him …."

The SOLDIER peered at him with a raised eyebrow, whether that was from anticipation of what he was going to say, or whether it was from annoyance over his hesitation, Cloud couldn't tell.

He couldn't think of much that would be of any significance. Maybe a simple hello, maybe the apology he still owed him … "Tell him … Strife said congrats," was all he could think of and finally say.

The SOLDIER just nodded and walked off to join the rest of the recruits.

* * *

Cloud made his way back to the medical ward slowly, timing the trek perfectly. He wasn't hungry today and had skipped his lunch so he could get a closer look at the SOLDIERs, which proved almost pointless. He would try again in the morning, possibly skipping breakfast to make it down there in time.

He missed Graves quite a bit, and he didn't think that he would. The guy might have been crude and hard to get along with at times, but Cloud did enjoy the man's company for the most part. He was amusing to talk with, and always served as a good distraction for when his group of friends were feeling unmotivated or down. Whether it was getting Elici to laugh at something he normally wouldn't have, or Ratcliff to turn red with embarrassment over a very dirty joke, he never failed at making the day seem a little bit brighter.

And that was what Cloud needed that day, rather, the past few days. Working in the office was proving to be mentally taxing, and the part-time receptionist seemed to be getting worse the more that Cloud was struggling with learning the job. The moment he would get the hang of something, she would take that as her cue to slack off and hide in the corner with either a nail file or her cellphone. She had even left the office for forty-five minutes when her boyfriend had showed up, and she wasn't even on a break. That was during a busy part of the day whenever in the company seemed to have some sort of business in that office … or at least, that's how it felt to Cloud.

His patience was growing very thin with her, and towards the end of the day he actually found himself standing to speak with the psychologist about the woman's work ethic, but he got to the door to her office and couldn't fight off the feeling of dread. So he turned back around and sat down at the front desk while the part-timer was poking around in the computer, doing absolutely nothing that she probably should have been doing.

The only thing that kept him going was that it was only a few more hours until the office closed, he would have Sunday off, and hopefully would be reassigned by Monday. There hadn't been any word on a change of duty, and as far as he knew, he would have to be back there at eight a.m. come Monday morning. In the army, no news did not necessarily mean good news, but meant for the men to just keep doing what they were doing, no questions asked.

Time ticked by slowly, but eventually the lights were being turned off with heavy sighs, and even yawning from the part-timer, which was completely undeserved. Cloud only lingered around long enough to ask the psychologist if she had heard if he was going to be needed on Monday, to which she just smiled and said he was more than welcome to continue to help out. As if he had a choice.

He stopped by Zack's apartment again with high hopes that he would be there, but after a few knocks Cloud realized he wasn't there for the third day in a row. He wondered what type of mission that he could have been on, and it finally clicked in his head that it must have been what Zack was wanting to talk to him about the other day when he ran away from him. Cloud felt stupid for thinking his previous thoughts of Zack wanting to possibly break ties off with him, when all it was was simply informing him that he would be gone. But for how long, Cloud wasn't sure.

But despite this realization, Cloud still leaned up against the wall in hopes that he would return. He told himself that he wouldn't wait for too long.

* * *

"Zack?"

Zack looked back from the ocean as a small breeze picked up, and his eyes needed to refocus on her as the light from the sun reflecting off the waters burned itself into his vision, hazing it. Cissnei was staring ahead to the ocean as well, her arms still crossed over her chest, her own eyes slightly narrowed from the sunlight.

"That girl in the slums … she's not the only one being watched …."

"Oh?" He peered at her intently, his hands going to his hips. She had a look of wanting to speak, wanting to tell him about everything that she probably knew but couldn't say. He waited for her to continue, but his mind already began rolling and producing possible answers.

"That … cadet …."

His eyebrows raised on his face, and he fully turned to face her now.

" … They're concerned about him."

"As in …?"

"Shin-Ra."

Zack scoffed, digging his heels into the warm sand as if widening his stance, perhaps to look offended or possibly challenging.

"But it's not really about him."

"So I've noticed," Zack said, throwing his arms out as he motioned around. "If it had been about him, he'd be the one on a _relaxing_ vacation, and not me."

Cissnei smirked a little at his behavior and tone. "With Lazard gone, they're really going to be watching you now."

Zack threw his arms out towards her. "So I've noticed."

She covered her mouth with her hand and tried to repress the chuckle that threatened to come out. "You're not enjoying my company?"

"I'd rather have different company right now, under different circumstances."

"I see."

"Look, why are you telling me this? It's not like I haven't figured anything out. I don't know if you guys think I'm stupid, but I'm not that naïve puppy anymore." He went back to looking ahead at the waters and he watched as a ship set sail from the docks. The horn blew loudly, and it pierced through the air, causing a few birds nearby to stir and take flight. "Why can't you guys understand that I wouldn't do anything to cause him more harm?"

"It's precautionary, Zack," she said casually, and she watched as the birds settled back down on top of some of the beach umbrellas, as some perched along the wooden fence lining the beach. A few chirped and began to ruffle their feathers in content as a misty gust of wind breezed over them.

"I think you're missing my point," he said, his voice becoming very annoyed-sounding, very quickly. "I mean I'm not going to run off and do something stupid. So stop watching us." "I think _you're _missing my point, Zack. It doesn't matter. We'll be watching you no matter what."

"I can take care of him. I can take care of myself."

Cissnei sighed a little, her mouth pursing off to the side in thought. "No, you can't, Zack. That's the thing."

He whipped his head back to glare at her, and he couldn't stop himself from baring his teeth. "What the hell is that supposed to mean!?"

"If you could take care of yourself, you wouldn't have got caught stealing that cadet's medical file off the boss' desk."

"… You … Tseng … he knew about that …?"

"He watched you in the reflection of the window," she said simply.

"Damn."

She chuckled, amused. "Right before you told him to go take a vacation."

His gaze once more took on the vast ocean before him, noticing that the waters were becoming a little bit more choppy. A few whitecaps were forming on the surface, riding the waves the length of the shore before they slipped onto the sand. "Goddamn Big Brother …."

"Just think of it as extra protection."

"You mean a _short leash_."

"Call it what you want, it still doesn't change anything."

The realization of what Cissnei was saying started to finally sink in, and his mind began to race. What exactly would this mean to them both as individuals, as friends, and as a couple? How much was Shin-Ra planning to watch them and for how long? Could the company really afford to have their elite follow them around for much longer? He couldn't imagine how much more involved they could be getting into his affairs, and for all he knew, they could be installing cameras into his apartment while he was away. It was a ridiculous thought, and yet it didn't seem entirely improbable.

But Cissnei was right. With Lazard gone, he could only wonder how things would play out for the both of them from that point on. Just seeing the look on Cloud's face when Cissnei had showed up at his place looking for him … Zack didn't want to know what he would look like, or how he would react, if he only knew that they had been watching him and were planning on continuing watching him.

And technically, Zack was one of the people watching him with the reports he filed in with the psychologist. To him, somehow it was different. Perhaps he was just trying to tell himself – to convince himself – that it was different, that what he was doing was to protect Cloud, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew it wasn't right. But what was he supposed to do? What _could _he do? Left to his own devices, he felt useless – stranded, lost.

Sometimes he felt as if he wouldn't be able to take care of him, mentally or emotionally. It had been hard staying strong, especially with his own issues going on, but he had managed to push them aside, to force them down like they hadn't even existed, all to concentrate on Cloud and his problems. Priority, support, trust … would any of that even be good enough to help him …?

_I still need looking after. I guess I still sorta am that puppy …._

"You're on vacation right now, don't be so glum."

Zack looked back to Cissnei, and she was giving him a smile that looked restrained. It must have been hard for her at times, as he could tell she was interested in him, whether it be just as a friend or something more, but she had a duty to uphold. Crossing any sort of line into anything more than colleagues was most likely prohibited for the Turks, even if it was to simply comfort him. But Reno had done it, and now she was doing it.

"Why are you telling me all this?"

She smiled a little more, but paused for a moment before she spoke slowly, yet confidently. "Think of it as … an apology for ruining your breakfast the other morning."

He found himself scoffing again, but was unable to really say anything in reply.

A silence fell between them for a little while, and their gaze once more fell onto the ocean. The waters looked disturbed, the movement of the waves becoming rough and churned from below. Zack frowned; it was much too early in the day for high tide, but the water swelled far onto the shore, leaving the seafoam crackling against the sand.

The birds around them suddenly stirred, taking to the skies once again with chirps that were frightened.

"Heads up!"

Their gaze was torn away from the frantic birds above to the stone steps where Tseng was running down, pointing ahead to the ocean. They searched his expression, trying to make sense of the urgency in his voice and his face.

"Genesis copies!"

Zack turned as figures began to burst from beneath the surface of the water, dragging themselves onto the shore. They were copies that he had never seen before, donned in strange dark suits with breathing apparatuses. They casually slung what Zack could only assume were rifles over their shoulders, and they waited.

"Cissnei, come with me, they're attacking the town from the dock!" Tseng said, starting up the stairs again with Cissnei following.

"Take care of these, Zack! And have fun." She trotted up the stairs and disappeared into a panicky crowd.

"Finally!" Zack said, reaching out and grabbing the only thing he could think of using to fend these things off. A beach umbrella was unsheathed from the warm sand and a readied stance was taken. "Now this is the type of R&R that I like!"

* * *

Seeing Zack was unnerving, so Graves had decided to watch him from afar for a bit to try and discern why he was there. The man had spent most of that morning on the beach, first just lying idly in the sun, then consuming a few drinks, more idle time tanning, and then began to do an impressive bout of squats.

There was now a woman talking to him. He had recognized her, and at first he couldn't put his finger on her identity. He thought that perhaps she was an old girlfriend of his, but the only ones he could remember Zack having was … well, he never really did remember. He only got to know Zack when Cloud began to befriend him. He had seen the man around, of course, and even worked with him a few times, but Zack never bragged about any women. Maybe he was just secretive.

But this woman, she didn't look like she was familiar with Zack in the way that Graves was suspecting at first. There seemed to be an uncomfortableness between them, and it took him a while to realize who she was by the way they interacted. Despite being in a resort and both in swim wear, the presence of professionalism from the woman made him remember that she was one of the Turks, and now he was even more unnerved.

He no longer bothered himself to try and think of a reason why they would both be there, and what became his current priority was getting to Mejia before they did, whether that was their intent or not.

The day had been hot, so he wore a tank top and tucked away his shirt into his seabag, then tucked his nervousness away behind his resolve. The clinic was in view, no plan was in mind, however. He made his way towards it, looking over to the bar when he heard a woman scream. He watched as a man in a black suit ran past towards the beach, followed by a swarm of frantic people.

Panic broke as strange humanoids emerged from the direction of the docks, carrying over their shoulders guns that were soon removed and aimed towards the crowd in the streets. Rhythmic bursts tore through the screaming, and shops were swarmed, the bar overrun, people began to scatter any which way they could for safety.

Graves cursed as the crowd flooded towards him, and he was forced with the flow into the clinic. The nurses behind the front counter stood in confusion as the last of the people filled in and the doors were shut. Gunshots could still be heard coming from the streets along with the sounds of crying and fear. The doors thumped with more people scrambling for refuge, but then the shouts of panicked denies came from the men holding the doors shut from the inside.

More shouting from the clinic staff as a few wounded people were dragged towards the front desk and order was attempted to be established, but went ignored. Patients were urged back into their rooms, carts of supplies were hurriedly wheeled out, all of the attention was towards the front.

Graves grinned to himself and slipped down the hallway, walking comfortably past the rooms, taking time to look into each and every one as the staff merged away. He ignored the patients that were climbing out of their beds to ask him what had happened as he rounded a corner to a quieter part of the clinic. He entered the ward and walked past a desk where a nurse sat and jabbed at the phone, most likely trying to call the front to see what happened. He looked over his shoulder as the man stood and ran off when he couldn't get through.

Now Graves' pace was calm as each room was inspected. The doors were closed down this ward, perhaps it was intensive care, so he had to look through a tiny glass window to see inside. A few were empty, but he came upon one that the curtain was drawn along the track halfway, and he could see the shuffling of a body on the bed.

But there was a Shin-Ra standard issue seabag sitting in the corner of the room, with a broadsword leaning against the wall. Most SOLDIERs had more respect for their sword and usually would lay it down in a sheath, or display it properly. But Mejia always seemed to have a sort of disrespect for his sword, and relied heavily on magic, and sometimes even handguns when out on missions. When higher-ups weren't looking, of course.

Graves slipped his seabag off his shoulder and set it by the door. He then took in a slow and controlled breath as his hand went to the doorknob. He was going to get this bastard. He was going to take him down any way that he could.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-One: Impulse.

Ending Author's Note: Well hello everyone! It feels like it's been so long. So! Just a quick explanation on the term 'broke dick'. I didn't make this funny term up, and is actually a real term that the United States Marines give to people who are either constantly hurt or sick, or are faking it to get out of duty. Wish I made it up … it's funny as hell to me. XD

Oh! Must mention this … I've posted a new one-shot for anyone who might be interested! It's a short little thing, less than 2000 words, but it's Clack related. It was written for my dear friend Lady Gunblade (she's the one who was so sweet and amazing and made the promo video for Malady on YouTube!). The one-shot is called "Awaiting", so check it out! You might enjoy it.

So with that, I thank everyone for reading and reviewing, especially with so little Clack. And many thanks to the readers who have been enjoying the backstory on Graves and such. That means so, so, so much to me, seeing as he's my OC! Very honored that he and my other OCs are enjoyed perhaps just as much as all the original characters. Well, with the exception of Mejia.

EDIT (4-30-10): ZOMG. Sweet and talented BunnyNeko created a fabulous and accurate picture of what I picture Mejia to look like!! He's sultry and yet cunning...can't be trusted! Check it out (remove the spaces first):

http: // bunnyneko. deviantart. com/ art/ Angels-Mejia-162500870

EDIT (5-01-10): NYAA! My darling friend Lady-Yuna7 drew the inn scene from Chapter Twenty-One: Catch-22!! It's so wonderful and sad all the same time! Check it out, please!

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Catch-22-162544733

OKAY I'LL SHUT UP. So! Tuesday May 4th! Next chapter! Be here!


	31. Chapter ThirtyOne: Impulse

Chapter Thirty-One: Impulse

* * *

Regret was an understatement at this point. The copies continued to burst forth from below the surface of the water, continuing in a relentless pattern of attack. A few bullets would be sprayed from their guns, harsh kicks would strike across his chest if he didn't dodge fast enough, then they would fall, only to have more emerge and replace.

Fighting in the sand was proving to be more difficult than regretful. As the water dragged against the shore, his feet would sink down into churning sand, causing his balance to be thrown slightly and for the clones to have the upper hand. They would take that moment of discord and unleash more attacks that stunned and disoriented.

But fighting without his sword was some cause of that regret, but not all. He was instructed to leave his sword behind, and he honestly thought he wouldn't require it on such a seemingly peaceful vacation. But now, as he swung a sun-bleached beach umbrella around to fend off these Genesis copies, he couldn't help but mentally kick himself for not going with his first instinct to disobey orders and bring his sword along. He practically disobeyed tons of orders before, so why was this time any different?

By now, he had lost count of how many copies he disposed of; it had to have been in the thirties, if that wasn't an understatement in it of itself. But the more and more that they would come, the more and more his … _weapon _… was proving to be a very bad choice. He could only fight with what he had, but perhaps he could have kicked sand in their eyes and it would have been more effective. Of course, it was his luck that they were wearing some sort of mask over their faces, so the beach umbrella was looking more and more feasible as time and copies went on.

A few bullets had grazed past him, and despite the handicap of fighting in the sand and with a terrible excuse for a weapon, they began to thin out and their numbers dwindled. At first his attention was divided between the shore and the town, as he had heard some screams and panic arise from the heart of the resort, but after hearing Tseng shouting and the sound of a handgun being fired, he knew that things would be taken care of back there. He hadn't anticipated so many clones coming from so many directions, but as the sounds of the crowd calming, he was able to focus more on what was in front of him.

The umbrella began to bend and warp the more that he struck the copies with it. The fabric frayed and separated from its frame, but the sharp tip was proving to penetrate the skin of his enemies as well as he could have hoped, so he continued to fight with it. He was too far away to grab any other umbrella, and most of the others were opened.

Zack grunted from exertion and the heat. Stamina was already sapped from the squats, mindset was wavering between the fight at hand, and his own mental fight with his own mental enemies. So these were one of the last things that he wanted to see, even if he had been pent up and bored stiff from the past few days. However much that these were managing to distract him, he still couldn't help but think about Cloud with each thump of his heart, and about Mejia with each clone that he killed.

Sweat rolled down his warmed body, mixing with cool drops of the sea that littered his skin in tiny beads. His black swimming trunks sagged on his hips from being soaked and from the erratic movements of the long fight, but finally, the last clone fell to the sand, the choppy water slapping against its lifeless form slumped over the others. Zack let out a sigh as he used one hand to jab the umbrella into the sand, and the other to wipe the water and sweat from his brow.

He didn't know how long he had been fighting the copies for, but now the sun that he had been staring at earlier with Cissnei had moved a little in the sky, and had he not been so heated, his body might have been complaining at him for an early dinner. But there were cries coming from the town still, and his moment of rest was cut short as he could still hear rounds of gunfire from that direction. It was fewer now, and there were less screams from the citizens, so the Turks must have gotten it under control somewhat. It was dangerous for him to be fighting these things with such a poor choice of weapon, but ignoring the Turks and the people was something that just didn't register in his mind.

That umbrella was removed from the sand once more, and as he ran into the town to help, he had thought about switching it out for one that was less damaged, but in a strange way he thought it a bit fortuitous, if not superstitious, so he continued on.

* * *

This was not something he was going to take a chance with, so barging in was out of the question. He had some time still; the sounds from the front of the clinic carried the shouts of panic through the corridor as he slipped inside the room. There were no nurses or doctors that walked past, not even any patients; it was as if he had the whole place to himself.

Turning the knob on the door was admittedly nerve-racking for Graves, but perhaps it was more of an anxiety than nervousness. At least, he'd like to think so. He thought about turning it slowly – quietly – but Mejia was SOLDIER, that meant heightened hearing and he no doubt probably suspected there was someone standing outside his door already, if the man was awake. So it was opened as normally as Graves could for being so _anxious, _and yet it seemed to take eons for the knob to turn, and for the hinges to squeak in the way that he predicted they would as the door was finally pushed open.

He watched the form of the man in the bed as he walked in to see if he would stir, but Mejia stayed perfectly still, perhaps even rigid, when the door closed behind. His hand moved smoothly to his hip to where a leather sheath was strapped to his belt. He silently removed an issued combat knife from it, twisting the handle around in his hand a few times as he approached the curtain, and he slowly pulled it back.

Mejia was lying on his side, his back to Graves. He couldn't have asked for a better position for the man to be lying in. He was thankful for the knife he carried, even if he rarely used it in and out of the military. With the assault rifles they used, knives only really had a place out in the field to cut down brush. But using the rifle would have been insane right there in the clinic, so slitting the man's throat was most stealthy and the most logical. He was finally putting the knife to good use, but then again, Graves could get the job done with a butter knife, so long as he put his mind and muscle to it.

He had never killed a man so intimately before. During the Wutai war, or missions that got out of hand, he rarely saw his enemy so personally, just the bodies falling after the order was given, and the trigger pulled. They had all experienced it, except for Cloud as he joined the army shortly after the majority of the war had passed. Elici handled it as expected, slightly rattled by the thought of having killed an actual person, but in the end convinced himself that it was what he signed up for, and eventually got over it. Graves himself wasn't really affected by it. He had dreams on occasion of some of the things he saw, and remorse was of course lingering; he was human, after all. But like Elici, it was what he was supposed to do; it was what he was paid to do.

Ratcliff, on the other hand, was affected by it. Trauma, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – whatever the doctors called it nowadays didn't much matter. It didn't help him get over it any easier. Graves recalled a mission Ratcliff had been sent on to bring back a deserter that ultimately resulted in the order to kill when things got heated, and when he returned, he was put through extensive debrief counseling. It had been rough on him, and whether he chose never to talk about it on his own, or if he was ordered, the details of the mission were kept private. He was a little skittish for a good month or two afterwards, as were a lot of men in similar situations, but they eventually eased back into their life in the army, and only on rare occasions were men discharged due to an inability to cope.

Now, Graves was faced with something that perhaps only SOLDIER or the Turks were faced with. An _assassination_. He had no formal training on being tactical or by any means stealthy, but it was a basic instinct to him. The actual act was as easy as pulling the trigger on a gun. It was a simple movement across the throat with the sharpened edge of his knife, and it had to be deep enough to sever the jugular veins, but that just boiled down to the sharpness of the blade and how hard and fast he sliced.

He could do this. He _had _to do this. He had so much riding on this moment that if he failed, he feared that he wouldn't be simply 'at square one', but rather everything would be lost entirely. So he stepped around the curtain, his grip on the knife tightening along with the muscles in his stomach. His eyes were fixed on the motionless body in the bed, his jaw was clenched with a determination that he had never felt before. It was foreign, yet it was strong, molded and set with anger.

Mejia's breathing was shallow, the blanket over his body not even moving with it. Graves wasn't even so sure that the man was at first, but he could hear it as he stopped beside the bed and paused, his own breathing ceasing in his chest to listen carefully. He slid his knee onto the bed, shifting his weight with his surprisingly smooth movements. His body began to lean over Mejia's shoulder as his arm moved in unison.

The fluorescent lights above flickered off the blade as it was twisted in his palm one final time, and it was brought to Mejia's throat. His hand was shaking, and whether it was because of a general nervousness, or because of the awkward position he was in as he hovered over the man, he couldn't tell.

No more hesitation, no more thinking. Any ounce of speculation of what could happen once the knife was used was gone, any worry of remorse in the future had never even made it to the forefront of his mind. There would be none … not for him, and he was confident in that.

A moment passed, and a warm sensation was placed around his wrist, and the blanket that had been still was now shifting off the body beneath him. His hand suddenly stopped shaking, and it took him a moment to see that it was manually stopped. His balance was being thrown as the hand around his own began to push back, and then it was too late for Graves to realize that Mejia was awake and fighting back.

* * *

There had been no word on any change of duty for Cloud, and as Monday rolled around, he returned to what felt like a prison of an office. The muzak was turned on overhead, the same short set of songs playing already irritating him and reminding him of the long day ahead. The electric hum of the computers filled the air as well, doing nothing in aiding the venom he was feeling towards his duty.

He did find solace in the fact that the blonde psychologist had taken the day off, and it was just one other woman psychologist and a male psychiatrist roaming around in the office, who both paid no mind to him at all. But that comfort was soon ruined as after only a few hours of working, the part-timer began to complain about not feeling well, and soon disappeared into the back offices to probably ask if she could be relieved of duty.

Cloud was now more worried than irritated, as after the very short weekend, there seemed to be a surge of appointments and paperwork flooding the front desk. The pharmacists calling about prescriptions from the psychiatrist, SOLDIERs canceling appointments, some making them, the Investigative Department calling to inquire about medical reports and forms ….

It was enough to make him want to either pull his hair out or scream, or a very satisfying combination of both. And as he slammed down the phone for the umpteenth time since the part-timer had disappeared, he could suddenly hear her talking to one of the doctors saying that he was doing just fine up at the front and would be okay for the rest of the day by himself.

Now a combination of wanting to wring her neck, scream, then pull his hair out swarmed him, along with an impending sense of panic. But all he found himself able to do, despite all this, was sit there and watch as she grabbed her purse from where it had been lying not even for three hours since the start of their shift, and she left.

He was in a bit of shock for a few moments, and even had let the phone ring for quite some time before he slowly picked it up and resumed doing the job himself anyway. She wasn't much help to begin with and left a lot for him to do, but when he did have a question about something, she was there to help him through it. But now, he was uncomfortably alone in the front end, and even though he had somewhat of a grip on the basics by now, he still felt as if he couldn't juggle it all by himself.

Before he knew it, another hour went by of him scrambling around, and they finally closed down for lunch. It was the same droll routine again, no matter how much relief he got from being away from the office for such a short amount of time. Head down to the chow hall, stand in line, stomach Monday's menu alone, then find something to occupy himself with for another twenty minutes or so until he had to report back for the rest of his personal hell.

By now, he was really starting to miss his normal infantry duties. He would give them his all, but admittedly, he hated going out in the field for training, or on patrol in the slums, and whatever else he did with his job. He would do whatever it took to get into SOLDIER, but still couldn't help but hate it a little bit. But since he started the light-duty, it all didn't seem so bad anymore in comparison.

Lunch passed faster than he expected, but was just as lonely as he expected. The day before, his unit had left to spend the day and night out in the field outside of Midgar. It usually consisted of materia training and combat on the monsters in the area, as well as some land navigation and fire watch. It was an excuse to have the men assemble and sleep beneath the stars, basically. It was nothing more than a giant camping trip.

So he was alone in the barracks the whole day before, and it was nice at first as he was able to concentrate on some reading, but the enjoyment didn't last long when his eyes grew tired and he crawled into his bed for the night. Without the sounds of the other men snoring and murmuring in their sleep, the place was painfully quiet. His eardrums felt as if they were pounding, trying to pick out any sort of noise in the silence to comfort him. He tossed and turned for the majority of the night, as the only source of any noise was the rambling in his head.

Cloud's thoughts mostly consisted of Zack, or at least, he forced them to try to be. Zack's smile, his voice, his laugh … whatever he could to keep his thoughts level. He replayed their first kiss in his mind, then their first date. He found himself smiling and actually relaxing, and perhaps sleep would come faster than what he originally thought. But as he began to doze off, he lost control of where his mind would wander, and fragments of not only Kalm, but the first incident would take over his brain. So Zack would be forced back, and then his body would be lured into a false sense of relaxation again, only to have more memories frighten him awake.

The next thing he knew, his little alarm clock was going off and he woke up, not having remembered actually falling asleep, let alone feeling as if he had at all. The barrack was still empty, and he instantly dreaded the day ahead.

So with the unit gone, the chow hall was void of anyone that he knew once more, and he was becoming sick and tired of feeling so lonely, but didn't know what he could do to stop it, or even if he could at all. He just knew he was longing to see Zack again, and the frustration of working in that office was making it a lot worse than if he was just going about his normal duties. If he was assigned to his normal duties, he would at least get the feeling as if things were _normal_, even if he knew in the back of his mind that things weren't.

Cloud finished most of his lunch and threw the rest away. He was hungry when he had woken up, but after the start of his shift, he really just lost his appetite. He knew that he would most likely be starving come dinnertime, so he wasn't too concerned with not eating. He mostly cut it short anyway, as he wanted to stop by Zack's apartment once more to see if he was home yet. He worried that the man would come back and try to look for him in the barracks, and he wouldn't be there. He didn't want Zack to question where he was, so Cloud wanted to find him first, besides just really wanting to spend time with him.

But Zack wasn't there yet again, and he reassured himself that he would see him soon. He still found himself frowning in disappointment, despite the reassurance that was really more like blind hope than anything else. He worried a bit, wondering if everything was going okay wherever Zack was, and with whatever he was doing, and he was still worried about Ratcliff as well. They left on the same day and were both still gone without a word about their progress. Granted, it wasn't unusual for the men to be called for duty for similar lengths of time at the same time, but it still didn't stop Cloud from being curious about where they had gone, or what they were doing.

Cloud waited for as long as he could, just in case, before his lunch ran out, and he trotted back towards the medical ward a few floors down. He passed through a lounge area that had a balcony he never really noticed before, and the only reason why he noticed it now was because there were two office workers standing by it debating with each other rather loudly over which of their coworkers was the lunchroom thief. The balcony overlooked the SOLDIER boot camp, he realized.

Cloud slowed his pace, mentally kicking himself for having forgot to head down there the previous morning on his one day of liberty. He had reminded himself heavily of it Saturday night, but come Sunday morning, he was so relieved to not have to work in the office that he just wanted to relax all day. The thought didn't even register in his head, even though he had thought about Graves a few times. The connection was just not made, however.

But now, the morning was long gone, and it would be the other half of the SOLDIER recruits down using the compound at that time. He would have to try tomorrow morning to see if Graves was possibly down there, and now he was determined to remember to go. Once he got back to the barracks, he would make sure to write himself a note inside his locker, reminding him. He only hoped that he would get decent sleep tonight, so as to not bypass his first alarm and want to sleep for a little while longer, and risk cutting his time short.

He thought it strange that he had been having trouble waking up lately. Even if he only had an hour of sleep, he still managed to wake up with relative ease and be able to function normally. He had always been a morning person, and prior to joining the army, he didn't know the meaning of insomnia.

Of course, things had been a little bit simpler when he was younger, even if he had the occasional woe of a typical teenager that might keep him up a night or two worrying. But since he joined, and even more so since the incidents, he hadn't really felt like he knew or even understood what sleep was. At times he was afraid to sleep, afraid that he would dream and experience things that happened to him, and maybe even things that didn't, but were only his mind deciding to torture him with thoughts of possibilities.

He only recalled getting what he would consider as of late, a decent rest, and that was when he was with Zack. The softness of the bed and blankets … of Zack's touch and skin … even the soft groans that Zack made as he slept – all of it was comforting. The man was holding him, almost protecting him as he slept, and he felt safe from his past and safe from his own mind. Nightmares did not come around that night after their shower together, sleep came faster than he could even comprehend. It was what he would like to think of as bliss to be, and it was made even more meaningful because it was shared with Zack.

Cloud wanted that again. He _needed _that again, no matter how pathetic the concept. It wasn't for the nightmare-free sleep, or even for the comfort of the bed itself, even though it was really nice. It was for knowing that Zack was beside him, watching over him. He would be there for him even if sleep were to somehow not come, and they could perhaps talk all night, or even just lie there together in silence until the sun began to rise, like how they did once before. It was enticing, and even though the thought of it invoked a sort of relaxation in him, he still couldn't bring himself to feel happy entirely.

He questioned himself, and he questioned his feelings. He worried that he was just using Zack for comfort because he was there offering it to him. If Zack never even knew about the first incident, where would they be? Still just friends? Still just silently wondering what the other was thinking, if anything at all, and then just eventually giving up and moving on?

Who would he have turned to, if it hadn't been Zack, for that matter? Who would have been so devoted, so supportive of him if it wasn't him?

All of this was beginning to bring what little mood lift that he had about thinking of Zack back down again, and it helped transition him right into feeling frustrated and dejected over his lunch being over. He was thankful that this time he made it back before time ran out, and was thankful that he didn't go down to the barracks by accident again. He was still angry at himself for having done that, and vowed to watch the clock more carefully from then on.

Then he was faced with the rest of his shift, and it was slow and more than aggravating. Patience was long since gone, left at the doors of the office and forgotten as soon as he entered. He found himself getting frustrated with a few people on the phones, and it seemed he was receiving no sympathy from either of the two doctors there in the office. Not even when he had a SOLDIER snap at him for something he didn't even do. Apparently, someone in the office had given him the wrong time of his appointment, and he was thirty minutes late. At that point, the doctor who was supposed to see him had already taken someone else instead.

Cloud almost wished that the blonde psychologist was there. He imagined – hoped – that she would have at least showed some compassion for him, but then again he was there to do a job, and so was she.

But after that, his attention began to slip, and the rest of his day slipped as well. Closing time came quick, the lights turned off and the computers shut down. He received uninterested goodbyes from the rest of the staff, and he found himself walking swiftly to the cafeteria.

He spotted Kumpf and Zabalza sitting at a table, and he sighed with relief as they waved him over once he exited the line. He never thought he would feel so happy to see them, and as he slipped into a seat on the other side of them, he found himself smiling to both of them. It felt strange to do, and yet he couldn't stop himself, not because he never smiled at them, but he hadn't felt like he had smiled at anyone for any reason in quite a long while.

Kumpf smiled back slowly, almost looking amused at Cloud's reaction to seeing them. "Rough day, Strife?"

"You could say that," Cloud said through another sigh, his smile fading. He jabbed his fork into the grilled chicken breast he managed to grab, thankful that Monday's dinner menu wasn't as bad as its lunch menu. He was also thankful that he was able to get it. Usually by the time he got around to the line, the good stuff was already taken.

"Yeah, man, you look like shit," Zabalza said.

"I wouldn't say shit, more like crap. There's a difference," Kumpf said. "Don't mislead the guy."

Cloud chuckled dryly, partly because he was too hungry to find humor in that nonsense. "Well, as long as I don't look like total shit, then I think I'm okay."

The two men scoffed a laugh and resumed eating their dinner.

It felt good to talk with them, even though they were doing most of the talking. He just sat and ate, listening to them converse about their time in the field the previous night.

"Was the barrack lonely without us making all kinds of noise?"

Cloud looked up to Kumpf and shrugged, even though he was saying yes in his head. "Nah, it wasn't so bad. I was able to concentrate on reading."

"Man," Zabalza said, after swallowing an impressive bite of mashed potatoes. "If I had the barracks to myself, I'd be whacking off all day long. I'd be chafed by the time everyone got back, but I'd sure as hell be content."

Both Cloud and Kumpf nearly choked on their food, not at what Zabalza said, but how he had said it. His seriousness was questionable, and really, they couldn't exactly judge him, as most of the men longed to have time to themselves. Being surrounded by other people and with a lack of women, or men, for some, did not make _private matters_ very easy to deal with.

Kumpf eventually calmed himself and shook his head. "That's what lotion is for, dipshit."

"I'm a man, I don't use lotion."

"What about the lube that some of the guys used to refill everyone's shampoo with for that prank?"

Cloud snorted. "Are we really talking about this?"

"Well, what's wrong with it? You can't tell me that you didn't do that when you were 'reading'. You had the fuckin' barracks to yourself. Any man in their right and horny mind would do that."

Cloud fidgeted a little and stammered. He actually hadn't even thought of doing something like that, let alone even with Zack. After the last time with Zack, he realized how strange it felt. He loved being with him, and it did feel good, but in retrospect, it was not really something he felt like doing. The psychologist had told him gently that engaging in such acts was probably not something he should be doing. He didn't even listen to her, as his main concern was trying to keep things normal with Zack, but the more and more he thought about it, the more it seemed like something … he just didn't feel like doing.

And Zack had noticed as he tried in the shower. Cloud knew that he was forcing himself, and as much as he tried to be turned on for him, he just couldn't bring himself into that mindset.

So what Zabalza was implying struck him as weird at first, but had this been any other time, well … he was human, after all.

"C'mon, Strife, it's cool. We all know you were fappin' to Graves' porno mags."

"Whatever, man," Cloud said, forcing the best nonchalant voice he could manage.

They fell silent for a bit, Cloud because he was uncomfortable, and the other two because they were busy shoveling in the last of their meal into their mouths.

"Speaking of Graves," Zabalza said, pushing his tray off to the side once he was finished. "What happened in Kalm?"

"Yeah, you allowed to talk about it?" Kumpf said, doing the same with his tray.

Cloud looked to the both of them from behind his hair, his head aimed slightly down. "What do you mean?"

"Are you clear to talk about it? Or is Shin-Ra gonna kick your ass if you do?" Zabalza said.

He shook his head slowly, his eyes going down to the table. "I don't know. N-nothing really happened. Just … ran into a little bit of trouble, that's all."

"A bit of trouble? _A bit_? Dude, you were fucked up," Zabalza said, his eyes wide with a mix of shock and what looked like concern as he spoke. "We all thought you'd die on us during the drive back. You were so out of it that your motion sickness didn't even affect you."

Cloud shifted in his seat nervously. He tried to think of something, anything he could use as a cover for what really happened. "I'm … not supposed to talk about it, actually."

A few minutes of silence went by, and they both took turns glancing between Cloud and each other with disappointment and skepticism.

But the silence was broken when Cloud frowned as a thought registered in his head. "Wait … what did you mean by 'speaking of Graves'?"

They both gave him a questioning gaze, but it went unnoticed as he was still looking away from them, almost as if he was afraid to know the answer.

"Haskin said he saw him chasing Mejia outta the town. They're the ones that shoved him down," Zabalza finally said.

"Yeah, that's why we were worried about you. You know … after what happened a few weeks ago. When Haskin said he saw Angels, and then we saw you so hurt, we just kinda put two and two together," Kumpf said, shrugging a little.

"Graves … was there? In Kalm?"

"Haskin was sure of it. Haven't seen the guy lately. I thought he was just sent out on a mission, but he wasn't in uniform when Haskin saw him."

Zabalza leaned forward in his seat. "So … did Mejia do anything to you?"

Cloud blinked hard, trying to steady the feeling of the room spinning. Blood was pounding in his ears. "Mejia …?" He looked off to the side in confusion.

"Yeah, Angels. He's from Kalm, did you know that? That's probably where he ran off to when he got caught trying to rape you."

"Dude, I didn't know that he was from Kalm," Kumpf said, turning his attention away from Cloud. "Makes sense he would run there. Wonder why Shin-Ra didn't bother looking for him there."

"They probably did, but knowing that sleaze-fuck, he probably either bribed the men off or managed to hide somewhere. You know how sly he is. Much too much for his own good."

"You know, I heard rumor that he was with someone in our unit for a while," Kumpf said, thoughtfully.

Zabalza nodded, folding his arms over his chest in thought as well. "Yeah, heard that too. Wonder which guy would be able to tolerate that fuck."

Kumpf scoffed. "Well, seeing how he tried to rape Strife here, he probably was abusive. Probably threatened whoever he was with to do whatever he wanted."

"I'm surprised he hasn't tried getting at Strife sooner. He always seemed to have some sort of extra anger towards him-"

The sound of Cloud's fork dropping onto the table clattered in front of them, and they jumped, their attention being righted to Cloud, rather on each other. A guilty look swarmed both of their faces as they realized a bit too late how insensitive they had been. Talk was cheap in the army, and gossip was never really realized it was actually gossip until it hurt someone. It was just conversation to the men, and for some people, would stay just conversation even if they knew it did hurt. It just wouldn't stop them, and half of the time it wasn't meant to be malicious, but was just done out of sheer boredom. But Kumpf and Zabalza regretted their bad habit when they saw that Cloud was trembling in his seat, his hand still stuck in the position of holding the utensil.

"Shit, Strife," Kumpf started rather lamely, "we're sorry. We … weren't thinking."

"Yeah, sorry, bro. You mad?"

"But … Ratcliff said… Graves …" Cloud was beginning to sway in his seat, the look in his eyes distant and hazy. He was glancing between the two men, but didn't seem to actually be looking at them. It was more of a look that was trying to search into their expressions for the truth to what had been said. But they gave no indication that there was anything misleading about what they were saying, and in fact, the seriousness that fell over them would have been alarming had Cloud not been reeling.

Kumpf was peering at Cloud with uncertainty now, and he began to process the blond's sudden and strange behavior. "What about Ratcliff? What did he say to you?"

"Was it something about Graves? What does he know about him?"

"He lied," Cloud muttered.

"Lied? About what? You're not making any sense, Strife," Zabalza said, rubbing his brow.

"No … it's nothing." Cloud shook his head mindlessly, his voice coming out monotone and barely above a whisper.

Kumpf and Zabalza watched him as he rose slowly, his head still shaking and with a look of trying to search through some sort of confusion in his mind. He stood rather clumsily, his knees hitting underneath the table, and he seemed to have trouble with his coordination as he brought his legs over the bench seat. He grabbed his dinner tray without even so much as looking at it and he tossed the leftovers away without even so much as looking as if he were paying attention. And the two men glanced amongst themselves as Cloud left without another word through the double doors.

One final wary glance between them, and they resumed chatting about nothing in particular.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-Two: Flight.

Ending Author's Note: Oh dear, stupid Kumpf and Zabalza. *scratches head* Being inconsiderate does have strange consequences. And let's just say that the shit is gonna hit the fan next chapter because of it, and other things.

Just really quick, some more amazing fan-art!!

BunnyNeko drew an awesome and amazingly creepy picture of Angels Mejia! You know you love to hate him. ;D SO! Copy and paste this link into your browser (remove the spaces) and enjoy. She made him pretty damn accurate, actually! Such a great job!:

http: // bunnyneko. Deviantart. com/ art/ Angels-Mejia-162500870

And also, Lady-Yuna7 drew a beautiful scene from Chapter Twenty-One: Catch-22!! She did a great job shading this one! Copy and paste the link … blah, blah, blah, you know what to do!:

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Catch-22-162544733

AND EDIT (5-04-10...AROUND 1:38 PM!): Djali has drawn another piece of fan-art as well!! It's from Chapter Thirteen: Business Card! Everyone remember what happens towards the end of that chapter? Naked Zack on the couch? Cloud straddling him ...? Yeah, I think you do. ;D

http: // kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Business-Card-162903569

EDIT (5-10-10): Lady-Yuna7 again drew another wonderful piece! This time it's from Chapter Nineteen: Motive of a Child!! The characters' expressions are just...perfect!! Hehehe!

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Motive-of-a-Child-163558640

Please show them lots of love for these! They're both really talented, and their art turned out fantastic!

So … next chapter will be on Tuesday, May 18th. You don't want to miss it, trust me!

Love and toodles with curly poodles!

-Ziggeh

P.S. What did ff. net do to my cute little scene dividers!? Ugh, they weren't showing up in the document manager version, so I had to add the standard line breaks. A ; I feel cheated.


	32. Chapter ThirtyTwo: Flight

Chapter Thirty-Two: Flight

* * *

Cloud found himself in a hallway, having no real recollection having actually walked there. He remembered going through the motions of walking, making sure he didn't bump into anyone in the halls or the elevators, but his surroundings were hazy. He didn't even remember what button he pressed, but when the cart stopped in the elevator shaft and the doors opened, he walked out briskly without even knowing what floor he was on. For all he knew, the floor that he wandered onto could have been restricted, but somewhere in the back of his mind, he told himself that he was okay where he was.

And he heard his thoughts through the haze, and it was frightening to know that they were so calm-sounding while the rest of his body was reacting as if panic was consuming him, and he struggled to get a handle on his surroundings. He knew he had found a short hallway where there were just a few supply closets, and now he was leaning his back up against the wall in it.

Voices were beginning to flood his mind, and now the once unclear images of his memory began to assemble. He remembered Graves; he saw Graves … standing over a form of what he assumed was Mejia, surrounded by heat and fire. He remembered feeling someone holding him, and pieced Ratcliff's voice to that person. They briefly talked – about him – and then Graves left. The form on the ground was gone, and then all he was able to scrounge up in his mind was numbness, and darkness.

That one memory he had of protecting and protection … it was finally coming back to him as well. It was Ratcliff's lie, and the word itself repeated to him over any other thought he had at that moment. It was surreal, to hear it and to realize it with everything else swarming him. Visuals, both real and metaphysical, continued the flood on his mind. The sounds from his memories and the ambience around drowned his senses, overloading any connection he was trying to make to steady himself.

He was holding his head, as if it was the only thing he could do. He tried to focus on the cold feeling of the wall on his back as he slid to the ground, attempting to pull himself away from everything else. There was a forming pain in his head, starting at his temples where his jaw was clenched, then radiating behind his eyes and up from there. It was dull, slowly increasing with his disorientation.

"Cloud?" The psychologist stood at the end of the hallway, looking at him in disbelief. "Cloud, what happened!" She rushed to his side, dropping a gym towel from her arm as she reached out, grabbing Cloud's hands that were on his head.

He couldn't hear her. He only felt her grip his hands, and instinct, perhaps more of a habit, took over and he began to resist her. He felt cornered – trapped in this hallway, someone using their weight to fight him, to manipulate his body for whatever purpose. He didn't want to know the purpose, and he thrashed in an attempt to shake the person who was holding him. Mejia, pain, _rape_. Now more words circling his mind with _lie._

The psychologist was shoved away with an incoherent yell, but as fast as he shook her off, she was back with her hands on his, sinking down as he slid further to the ground. "Cloud, Cloud it's me, Dr. Arolin!" She fought with him as his hands moved from the sides of his head to cover his eyes and mouth. "Cloud, look at me. Look at me." Moments passed of her coaxing his hands down through his dissipating resistance, whether it was from exhaustion or his senses coming around that she managed to get them lowered, she wasn't sure at first.

But she knew, once he slowly opened his eyes and their gaze met, that his senses were coming around. His eyes were unfocused, but clearly held everything he was experiencing in them. And he suddenly sank down to the ground, and she sank with him, her hands still clutching his tightly.

"What's wrong? What happened?"

His breathing was ragged and quick, his shoulders pitching with each awkward breath. "Graves …"

"I need you to take deep breaths for me, please. You're going to faint breathing like this," she said, her voice calm, yet holding a hint of pleading.

"Graves …" he managed to say through the breaths that he failed to calm, despite her instructions.

Her eyes flickered across him with uncertainty. "Cloud, you're not making any sense. I need you to calm down so I can help you."

"He was there."

"Are you remembering something?" The grip on his hands tightened.

He nodded his head weakly with tears in his eyes as he looked around in a daze. He finally began to notice her, and it wasn't until after a few seconds of idle staring did he realize who it was that was with him.

Why was she here? It was her day off, and this was the …

Cloud then realized he had no idea where he was. He could see through his blurred vision that she was in a jogging suit, with her long blonde hair pulled through a cap that she wore, and now he could hear the sounds of weight machines clanking in whatever room that was behind him. He had somehow made it to the sixty-fourth floor where there was a gym and rest area for employees. She must have been working out on her day off.

"Please," she said, leaning close to him, "tell me what you remember."

He blinked a few times, thankful that the tears began to disappear on their own without falling down his face. But through a clearer vision, he finally got a good look at the woman up close, as in the past he always had avoided her gaze. She was no longer wearing her reading glasses, and her eyes were large and … kind. They were laced with a concern that only a mother would have. He had never really seen her this animated over him before, and he wondered why now, of all times, was she showing more human emotions towards him, versus a professional and almost robotic attitude. Perhaps she was just as stunned to see him as he was to see her.

She really did remind him of his own mother, and the more that she looked at him, the longer that she held his hands firmly, the more he felt the urge to talk to her, to tell her every big and little thing on his mind. He wanted for her to say something – anything – that would make him feel better, even if it was only temporary. And it must have showed, for now her thumb on one of his hands was tenderly stroking him, coaxing him to speak.

But, he really didn't know what to say. "Ratcliff … he lied to me," was all he managed.

"About what, Cloud?" Her voice came out soft, almost a whisper.

"He said that …" Cloud swallowed hard, fighting back the urge to begin crying in what he could only assume would be in a very pathetic way. "... our friend Graves got promoted to SOLDIER and that he was in boot camp. But he deserted. He was in Kalm …"

There was a brief silence, and she slowly but confidently began to speak, keeping her eyes locked on him. "That's right," she finally said. "He was there."

Cloud frowned, trying to make sense of the sudden change of composure in her voice. "You … knew?"

"Yes, I knew. Your superior, Kunsel, informed me of what happened."

"But, why would you," he said, shaking his head, his eyes narrowing in thought, "a-and Ratcliff kept that from me?"

"You had to remember on your own, Cloud. We can't tell you what to remember."

He was quiet for quite some time, looking as if he was struggling to piece together everything. "But … if you guys told me in the first place, I would have remembered eventually."

"How would you know if what we told you was the truth?" she said firmly, yet somehow tenderly.

"I-I don't know."

She sighed a little, easing the grip on his hands, but still held them in place. "When Mr. Ratcliff lied to you, what did you feel?"

"That he was lying to me, what else?" he said quickly, irritated.

"But you knew in your gut that something wasn't right, correct?"

"Yeah …"

"And that made you search your mind for the correct answer, and you remembered on your own," she said, almost sounding sure of herself if she hadn't been speaking so gently.

"No! That's the thing!" Cloud began to struggle within her grasp, and even though she was holding him lightly, he felt as if he had no energy to break free. Anger was lingering, little by little getting ready to topple over and spill. "Two guys who were on the same mission with me just told me! Your logic is wrong!"

"My logic is not wrong, Cloud. Please, understand. Unforeseen circumstances might have helped you remember, but you were on the right track on your own, regardless." She leaned down to try and keep the eye contact that Cloud was desperately trying to break as he looked towards his lap. "You knew something wasn't right about what your friend was telling you, and you were starting to realize on your own that there was more to it than what he was letting on."

Cloud scoffed, managing to break one had free from hers to tug at his muffler. He was beginning to feel trapped between the wall behind him and the psychologist in front of him. A combination of his own body heat from his anxiety and her body heat from being so close was getting to him. "No, he's just a lying rat bastard. That's all he is."

"He did lie to you, yes." She tried to grab his hand again, but he tucked it underneath one of his thighs as if trying to hide it.

"Why would he lie to me?"

She was silent again, and that eye contact that she was able to hold was finally broken of her own will, and she looked to the main corridor where voices from the gym and lounge area flowed from. "He was ordered to, Cloud."

_Ordered …?_

He was almost afraid to ask, and when he did, there was a slight tremor to his voice. "Who would order him to lie to me …?"

Their eyes met. "I did."

He stared at her blankly at first, but as those simple words registered in his cluttered mind, he found himself shoving her away from him. "What!"

The psychologist caught herself from falling backwards, and she pushed herself up before grabbing at Cloud who was now trying to scramble to his feet. "Cloud, please, calm down."

"I knew it!" he said, and with each pant in between, his voice began to rise. "I knew I couldn't trust you!"

"Cloud, listen to me. When you first woke up in the infirmary, you didn't remember a thing! I was there with you and you couldn't even remember where you were at first!"

"So you ordered one of my best friends to lie to me!"

"You had to remember on your own, Cloud."

"Just please, leave me alone right now!" He shook his arm, knocking her hand off as it tried to squeeze and hold him, possibly to restrain him. "I don't want to talk to you anymore!"

"I understand that you're upset, and you have every right to be. But please, try to see that it was for your best interest."

Cloud got to his feet, swaying, and he growled at her when she stood with him, holding onto his shoulders to steady him. He just pushed her away angrily. "Please, just get away!"

She gave him a sympathetic look and paused for what seemed like an hour. It looked as if she were trying to think of what to do or say, trying to decide on some sort of course of action that would help him. But after a few moments, she reluctantly dropped her hands from his shoulders and took a step back, allowing him room to pass in the narrow hallway.

He paused for a moment as well, as if giving her a chance to try and reconcile the situation, but that moment passed too quickly before she could act, and he took off running down the hall towards the elevator. He couldn't stop himself, even if he wanted. He was fleeing towards the one place that he had for the past few days … weeks … when things got too rough.

"Cloud!" he heard her call, "Don't be mad at him!"

He assumed she meant Ratcliff, but at that point, he really could care less.

* * *

It took Graves longer than he would have hoped to realize that Mejia had grabbed his wrist and stopped him from slicing his neck open like how he originally – and rather quickly – planned. It wasn't until the body beneath him moved faster than he could predict, and until he felt himself being hurled from the bed did things begin to register.

He crashed through the bedside cart, his weight causing the frame to not catch him or steady him as he reached out to it, but to shatter like an eggshell. He felt his arms being sliced by the metal frame as he fell into it, crushing it beneath him. A few of the casters popped off as he hit, causing them to shoot out in several different directions and skid along the tiled floor. He watched as one was stopped in its path as Mejia stood up from the bed and kicked it away.

Graves ignored the stinging pain in his arms as he got up, gaining his balance back as fast as he could, but Mejia was already grabbing the tank top he wore, pulling him towards him as he readied to strike. He struggled to gain a steady footing as he fought back, catching Mejia's wrist in his hand before he could hit him.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Mejia said, grunting as he tried to pry his fist away from Graves'. He leaned forward, causing Graves to stagger under his strength.

"Ain't it obvious? What else is a man tryin' to do when he's holdin' a blade to yer neck?"

"Sure fuckin' glad I was awake. I'd hate to be killed by someone like you."

"A piece of shit like you don't have a say in who gets to kill ya. That choice ain't gonna be yers … ya ain't that privileged." Graves gripped the knife in his hand tight as he brought it up to Mejia's gut where a thick layer of bandages was wrapped around. He wanted to reopen that wound, to grind that blade around every inch of the man's vital organs – and perhaps, even the not so vital – and make him bleed out. Whatever sick thought he had previously envisioned in his mind on his journey, he would make sure to actually play out for his own enjoyment. But Mejia grabbed his wrist once more, and now they were locked.

They struggled within each other's strength, trying to find some means of overpowering. Several attempts were made to toss each other away, but the other would simply counter with another grapple, or with a shifting of their weight. The knife was trying to be taken from Graves' hand, or at least forced to be dropped.

Graves wasn't about to let Mejia get the knife, even if it meant the man were to break his arm trying. But the more they struggled, the more he began to struggle in just keeping his balance. Even wounded, Mejia was impressively strong … maybe even _incredibly_ strong. He knew he was formidable, but even back when Mejia was the same rank, he still could be taken down when at full strength. Did the mako and Jenova cells really play that much of a role in differentiating their skill level?

Blood was running down his arms and dripping quickly onto the floor. He wasn't sure how deep the metal frame had cut him, or even if it had hit any important veins. It could have been the strain on his arms, or even his heart rate that was causing the blood to fall that fast. But he noticed that there was a red stain beginning to form on Mejia's stomach beneath the bandages as well, and the once calm look on his face was starting to turn.

"How bad is it?" Graves said, nodding to his stomach.

Mejia grunted. "S'not bad. I'll be up and running in no time."

"Runnin' … ya sure do a lot of that. Shoulda stuck around last time we saw each other."

"Well, I had a ride to catch, much like I do now. Have places to go–"

"An' people to rape and kill?"

Mejia smirked wide, laughing a little dryly. "Something like that."

Graves suddenly let out a yell, bringing his leg up between them and kicking Mejia in the stomach. The man's grip on Graves' arm was lost, and as he staggered back, the hold on his tank top was gone as the fabric went with him. He didn't fall like how Graves was hoping he would, but instead recovered and lunged forward, despite the now open wound in his gut. Mejia went to grab Graves' shirt again, but it was now torn and hanging in pieces around his shoulders. This gave Graves enough time to try and dodge the man's next swift movement as it looked as if he was going for his throat.

Mejia growled and quickly righted his attack, taking Graves by the base of his neck. His fingertips curled into his jugular and collarbone. Graves sputtered, his airway disrupted and panic began to swarm him. If his collarbone was to break, he would have one hell of a time trying to fight this man. But he couldn't think fast enough, and he couldn't react fast enough. He found himself being hoisted up by the neck and tossed against the hospital bed. His legs buckled as he hit, and he toppled over it, stunned.

He twisted his body to his side to stand. He saw Mejia out of the corner of his eye scramble for something on the ground, and at first Graves thought that it was his knife, but it was still surprisingly gripped in his hand. By the time his senses collected, Mejia was standing above him with one of the casters in his hand. It was brought down and the stem was plunged deep into Graves' thigh. Pain erupted within his flesh, and Mejia had stabbed him with it with such a force that the blunt object managed to not only pierce his skin, but drive deep into the muscle.

"Now, hold still, you fuck," Mejia said, panting. He staggered over to his belongings in the corner of the room, taking his broadsword up into his hand. "Since I don't have my gun anymore, looks like I'll have to slice your head off."

Graves gritted his teeth as he got to his feet. He let out a gasp as Mejia swung his sword over his head, bringing it down at him. He could feel a gust of air pass him from the movement as the blade cleaved through the bed with little effort. He stumbled off to the side, reaching down and ripping the caster from his thigh with a restrained cry. He turned when he sensed Mejia was recovering from the attack. He was able to dodge another swing of the sword at him.

He soon found his back colliding with a few pieces of medical equipment, and he clumsily reached out at them to steady himself. He was able to stay on his feet as he clutched an IV stand. It began to slide under his weight, throwing his balance. The room was too cluttered and too compact to gain any shred of sense, and Mejia was faster than Graves could have expected. The pain in his arms and legs were not competing with his determination, so it went ignored as he took the IV stand in his hands.

He spun around, managing to deflect Mejia's sword away from his body, but it easily cut the stand in two and sent the top half crashing against the wall next to them. The tubes from the IV flew past between them, causing enough distraction for Graves to have time to thrust the other half of the stand into Mejia's wound.

Mejia let out a guttural cry as it sank deep into his gut. It was a clean cut that his sword had made on the metal stand, so finding an equally clean path into an already open wound was easy. It was enough for Graves to feel as if the upper hand would soon be his, and enough for his confidence to begin soaring.

"Hope this feels as wonderful as it looks," Graves said, twisting it to quickly bring about another satisfying noise from Mejia's throat. "Sure as hell sounds wonderful on this end."

Mejia attempted to say something, but another noise, almost like a gurgle, came from him instead of any actual words. It was a beautiful sound indeed, harmonizing with the sickening squish of his flesh and organs around his makeshift weapon. He relished the soft sound of the man's blood drip onto the tile, he savored the look of agonizing pain contorting on his face. Graves really couldn't ask for a more gratifying view of this man.

It truly was impossible to look away, and with each moment, the shiv was inching its way further into Graves' revenge. There would be no lessons to be taught or to learn from any of this, no hesitation or reflecting on it. It was just as coldblooded and ruthless as Mejia himself, and was nothing more than the simple concept of an eye for an eye. And then the moment that he would stop breathing, Graves would turn and simply walk away, letting it all go. No more dwelling, no more boiling anger, Mejia's existence in Graves' mind would be gone with that last breath.

He had imagined the man's death in his mind a few times, and with each vision, it only helped to affirm his decision and the justice he sought out. He would carry this out no matter what the cost or the casualty, even despite this setting not being what he pictured or the weapon he carried it out with, he had to admit that he was becoming quite pleased with everything.

But Mejia grabbed the middle of the IV stand and began to forcefully pull it out of his stomach. His muscles trembled with such blind fury that the flowing blood from his wound was splattering further from the small puddle that had formed on the floor. And as he started to overpower Graves' strength, the tip of the metal stand was now slipping from his body, and with it, Graves' goal slipped as well.

Graves was shoved back as Mejia finally pulled it from his gut with only one hand, and he couldn't react fast enough. His footing faltered on a mixture of the saline pooling from the broken IV line and his own blood dripping from his own wounds. And in an instant, the man was above him with the tip of his sword coming at his throat. He hadn't the time to try and defend himself, he hadn't the time to even breathe.

"What the hell is going on in here!"

The tip of the sword was stopped with a flash as it reflected the lights from above. Both men found confusion replacing what should have been a swift death, and they both looked to the door of the room where a group of clinic staff stood in what could only have been utter shock.

"Drop your sword, now!" A larger man pushed his way through, and Graves could only assume he must have been some form of security for the clinic, or perhaps he was a bouncer from one of the bars that had taken refuge from the Genesis copies outside. "_Now_!"

The tension was still thick, but adrenaline quickly dropped, and now both men were starting to feel their wounds a little more clearer. Mejia suddenly let out a pained grunt as he turned and snatched his bag from the corner of the room.

"Get back here you mother fucker!" Graves struggled to stand as he watched Mejia shove his way through the group of people, evading their grasps as they tried to stop him. Graves was able to get to his feet, but several of the larger men were stepping into the room to most likely apprehend him. Graves didn't want to stay to find out. "Get the fuck away!" He tried to run, but the men grabbed him, pinning him in their hold.

A small nurse squeezed her way between them, her hands already glowing with the signs of a healing magic. "Please, hold still. The wounds in your arms look deep."

Graves managed to look down to see large gashes that the metal frame created. His eyes then trailed the room, and it was in complete disarray, covered in debris from the equipment and their blood. "Lemme go, I gotta go after him!"

"You can't go out there! There are monsters attacking the town," she said as she started to heal his arms.

"That fuck's worse than any monster! He needs to be stopped!"

"You're not going anywhere," one of the larger men said. "We're detaining you until we figure this all out."

Graves struggled, trying to wiggle his shoulders from the men's hands as reality started to set in. Mejia was escaping, everything that he had worked for and endured was becoming pointless. He couldn't stop here; he had to keep going. So he waited until the nurse healed him just enough to close his wounds before he twisted his way from the men, then struck them each in the chest with his elbows. The nurse scampered back with a cry, and a few of the other staff members in the doorway tried to grab hold of him as he ran past, but he managed to slip through and he scooped up his seabag from outside the room.

He could hear them shouting at him as he bolted through the hallways, and even a few of the staff members tending to the injured people in the front lobby stopped to see what the commotion was, but once Graves burst through the doors and out into the fray in the streets, their shouting was gone.

And now his ears were filled with the screaming and crying of the survivors in the streets, the echo of gunfire towards the docks, and somewhere in the middle of all that, he could hear the crashing of the ocean. It was surreal to hear the sounds of what was a tranquil paradise now merging with the sounds of chaos around.

There was too much going on around him as people darted in and out of buildings, the strange humanoids trotting about with their equally strange guns … even his own sense of panic was distracting him, and he struggled to search his surroundings for Mejia. He lost sight of him, and for all he knew, the man could have easily ducked down an alleyway or into a shop nearby for safety. But his instinct was leading him towards the front of the town and it had paid off as his eyes spotted a fresh trail of blood on the ground. It could have been anyone's blood at that point, but he followed it.

Graves stopped running when he heard a shrill scream, and huddled against the wall of a building was an elderly woman and a small boy. Lurking towards them was a Genesis copy. The elderly woman was cupping the boy's head in her hands, pressing his face to her bosom as if trying to shield him, as if her will power alone was going to protect them. Graves never did care much for children, and elderly people did nothing for him but bore him to death, but he couldn't leave them.

He cursed out loud as he slipped his seabag off his shoulder and removed his assault rifle from the straps on the top. His thumb flicked the selector lever on the weapon to burst and raised it to aim at the copy. Why couldn't these people he was about to save be attractive women? At least then, losing Mejia's trail would have been somewhat worth it for him. He fired several rounds off into the copy and it lurched back, falling to the ground.

More seemed to be coming from the direction of the beach and the docks. Some lie in the streets unmoving, others began to collect back to their feet to continue whatever their ultimate goal of attacking the small resort town was. Graves had never seen these forms of the Genesis copies before, but he had fought others in the past. But these ones, the numbers seemed to swell quickly, and when one would fall, another would seem to replace it. The motive of the copies seemed to be unclear, and perhaps it had something to do with members of Shin-Ra being in the town, or maybe a cargo ship from Shin-Ra had docked from Junon. Perhaps there was no motive. Random acts of killing, maybe revenge of some sort … but whatever the reason, Graves would never know.

"Seems like everyone has some shit goin' on in this town," Graves muttered to himself as a few more sprays of bullets hit a group of copies that ran up to him. As they fell, he glanced over to the elderly woman and the boy and saw that they were hesitating, watching for a break in the attacks to flee.

The streets were now barren of life, littered only with the idle corpses of both humans and humanoids. The next wave of Genesis copies were making their way over the stone arch at the entrance of the town, so Graves was left wondering why these two were still cowering together, unmoving. They could easily flee into one of the shops before the copies reached them.

"'Ey! Get movin'! The hell you waitin' for!" His patience was fully gone now, lost when Mejia's trail disappeared, and he blamed the clinic staff, he blamed himself, and he especially now blamed these two. And now they just stared at him, petrified, and he wasn't sure if they were scared of the Genesis copies or of him. But when he hoisted his assault rifle above his shoulder and fired off a few bursts into the air, and they let out screams as a reply, he quite possibly got his answer. "Get the fuck outta here, _now_!" He watched as they spent one more second hesitating, then finally grabbed onto each other and slipped inside the bar.

Graves turned to look back at the copies as they suddenly stopped their trek down the stone steps by the villa and began to head back towards the dock, as if chasing something. He lowered his weapon with a scoff, glancing around for any more enemies nearby.

That was when he heard the door to the villa slam and he looked up, seeing a man with a familiar-looking sword at the top of the steps. It took him a few moments to process who it was, and by the time he realized it was Mejia, the man had already jumped the stone bridge and began sprinting to the exit of the town.

* * *

The sound was unmistakable, etched into his mind from his years in Shin-Ra. Even if he had stopped using the rifles when he graduated to SOLDIER, he was still exposed to the sound from the infantry units on a daily basis from the shooting range on site and out in the field. So as the rounds went off in town, the gunfire reverberated between the stone buildings, causing the chilling echo to rumble through the quiet tropics. He could hear the casings hitting the ground with that familiar metallic ping in quick succession, and he could hear someone shouting after a brief moment of ceasefire.

It was enough to send Zack running from the docks back to the heart of the town. He had fought his way from the beach to where Tseng, Reno and Cissnei were fending off the copies as well as protecting the navel personnel and civilians. Tseng headlined the attack with his handgun, as Reno and Cissnei alternated tending to the injured and destroying the enemy. They worked in a silent but impressive team, Tseng only giving out short orders and hand gestures, and the other two responded with such timed precision and teamwork that it looked as if it had all been thoroughly choreographed and rehearsed beforehand.

It didn't take them long to secure the area, but not after a few copies rushed forward and headed for town. Zack stopped Tseng from firing rounds into them by holding out his now decimated umbrella, and the man held off, allowing Zack to finish up by taking out his aggression on them. So he followed them, and that was when he had heard the familiar gunfire of the Shin-Ra issued assault rifle. Had Shin-Ra sent in reinforcements that quickly? It had only been a matter of minutes that the town was under attack, so for the army to already assemble …

Something wasn't right. As he ran towards the town, it donned on him that it was only a single gunman, and not a small platoon. He knocked down a Genesis copy with a swing of his umbrella to get a better look at the man in the street, and Zack just about choked on his own saliva.

"Graves!" Zack impaled the last copy with the umbrella and ran down the steps, intercepting the man before he could pass beneath the stone bridge. The man looked a lot different … _much _different with a shaved head and face, and dressed casually. In fact, he wasn't even wearing a shirt. At first glance, when he got closer, Zack thought that he might have been someone else, but when this man had a sudden look of panic cross his face, he knew.

Graves stopped with a pained grunt, and that was when Zack noticed a bleeding wound in his right leg. It looked like a blunt object had punctured his thigh, and looked more than painful.

"What the hell are you doing here!" Zack held the umbrella to the side, as if to block Graves from escaping around him. "What the hell happened!"

"Move aside," he said between thick breaths, almost pants. "That fuck's runnin' away."

Zack started to lower his arm, his once determined expression softening to shock. "You mean …?"

"Yeah. Mejia. He's here. _Was_ here."

"You've hunted him down all this way?"

"Pretty much."

Zack found himself shaking his head. He was trying to form all of the questions in his mind into only a few so he wouldn't lose the chance to at least have _some_ answered by Graves. "Why did you desert?"

Graves just ignored him. "Now _move _so I can kill 'im."

"No, you're coming with me," Zack said calmly, but firmly.

"I ain't got time for you."

"Oh, you'll have plenty of time for me, trust me."

Graves swallowed hard, but out of exertion rather than fear as he nodded towards the choice of weapon in Zack's hand. "You gonna umbrella me to death, bro?"

"Don't think that I can't take you on. Don't underestimate me, and don't underestimate Mejia."

"I know it's foolish," Graves said, sounding almost somber. But after a few moments of quiet thinking, he spoke again with a strong voice. "This is what I wanna do, so dun fuck with a man's pride."

"You're fucking with _my_ pride!"

"Bro, how am I fuckin' with yer pride? 'Cuz I'm goin' against Shin-Ra?" Graves rolled his shoulders with a wince and then readjusted his grip on his rifle. Zack couldn't tell if it was a threatening gesture, or if he was truly sore from fighting.

"No," Zack said, holding the umbrella out even higher, "because you're gonna hurt Cloud!"

Graves fell silent for a while and just stared at him. His eyes flickered against Zack's, and it looked as if he was mulling around several explanations for Zack's sudden defensiveness towards Cloud. "Look, bro, whatever ya have goin' on with Cloud, that's yer business."

Zack was now silent, but still held his ground and his stance.

"But don't ya understand where I'm comin' from? This fucker not only hurt Cloud, he hurt Ratcliff in the past, and he fuckin' killed Elici. Who the fuck knows what else he's done?"

"Yeah, but–"

Graves cut him off again. "I got more motive to go after this fuck than you ever will."

"I don't see where you get off telling me not to fuck with your pride, and that my reasons aren't half as good as yours. We both want this man dead–"

"That's why I'm gonna kill 'im."

"Graves, don't be stupid–"

"So what, yer gonna rat me out? Yer gonna bring me down and turn me back into Shin-Ra so they can throw my ass in the brig?"

Zack found himself shaking his head with a defeated sigh. "I'll see if I can get some strings pulled for you."

"You an' I both know Shin-Ra is twisted! They'll do more than just imprison me for deserting, no matter how much ass you kiss or dick you suck for me!" He spoke loud, his voice echoing through the streets, and Zack wondered if the Turks could hear that over at the docks. "Besides," he said, finally speaking at a normal and casual tone. "I ain't worth the trouble."

"You are to Ratcliff and Cloud," Zack said quickly, afraid that if he said it too slow, it might have less of an impact.

"Takin' me back to Shin-Ra will only get me killed. That'll hurt 'em more, and you'll be the one to blame." Graves motioned down to the umbrella, and then to the exit of the town, perhaps a pleading look on his face. "That's why ya gotta let me walk free, Zack."

Zack stood and just stared intently at him for a while. The silence between them became thick, and it even seemed as if the ocean had quieted for them. There were only muffled and distant sounds of the injured and the scared behind the closed doors of the buildings. It was an eerie moment with eerie sounds, and yet the sun was bright and the breeze was almost … comforting. It really was unsettling.

Zack lowered the umbrella and stepped to the side.

"Thanks, Zack." Graves' voice was now humbled, and that alone was eerie in it of itself. "Besides, I'd rather Cloud hate on me, than hate on us both."

"You realize he's gonna hate us all for this no matter what, right?" Zack said, his once intense gaze now solemn as he looked at Graves.

"Naw," Graves said and gave Zack a hard pat on his shoulder, "dun think he could ever hate a guy like you."

"Yeah," Zack said, flatly.

The man's hand slipped off his shoulder, and he began to walk. "See ya, bro."

"Graves."

He stopped and turned slowly, his eyebrow lifted.

Zack motioned casually to Graves' bare chest. He had never seen the man out of uniform, let alone without a shirt. "... Nice tatt."

Graves almost seemed surprised, and his hand went to his chest and ran it along his skin. His fingers skimmed across a bird on his left pectoral, with spread wings and legs tucked close against its body. There was minute detailing, but the design was bold and strong, spanning across his broad chest. His hand then went to his other pectoral where there was a design of a vintage scrollwork bird cage with its door open and its perch empty.

A small grin was now on Graves' face, and his hand dropped back down to his rifle. "'Ey, dun look so down." He began walking again. "Sometimes birds fly back to their cage."

"Yeah …" Zack frowned at him. "Sometimes …"

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-Three: Unspoken Words.

Ending Author's Note: Damn that Mejia … such a slippery eel. Just a few quick mentions …

Don't know what a caster is? You most likely have four below you right now! Casters are the wheels on things like office chairs, shopping carts, etc. The "stem" of a caster is the part that sticks out the top of the wheel to screw into the frame of the main object. Sometimes they're threaded like an actual screw, and sometimes they're just a smooth metal stem that wedges into the fixture with force. Not something that would be fun to get stabbed in the thigh with, regardless.

Oh, and yes, the psychologist's name is Dr. Arolin. I mentioned her name all the way back in chapter fifteen or something. XD Just in case you forgot.

Hee! Moar fan-artz! 8D lady-yuna7 worked really hard on another awesome piece, this time from Chapter Nineteen: Motive of a Child! If you don't remember what happens at the end of that chapter … this picture will certainly help. Don't forget to delete the spaces, hit enter, then enjoy!

http: // lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Motive-of-a-Child-163558640

Many thanks and love and huggles to her!

Heehee, this came up in conversation with a few readers and friends of mine a few times. How in the world is Elici's name pronounced? Erm … well, in my head, I think it sounds like "Eh-liss-ee", but then again, I'm crazy. *shrugs* I'm curious to know how you think it's pronounced. (My text to voice reader pronounces it "Ee-lich-ee" and it makes me crack up every time.)

Anyway, thank you all for reading and reviewing. :3 Next chapter will be out on Tuesday, June 1st … with Clack again! Yayz!

...*sob* I miss my scene dividers! Why, Fanfiction. net...WHY!


	33. Chapter ThirtyThree: Unspoken Words

Chapter Thirty-Three: Unspoken Words

* * *

Reinforcements finally came, but much too late. Shin-Ra dispatched a few units from Junon, but they were utilized more as a cleanup crew than anything else. By the time they arrived, the Genesis copies were dead, and left in the wake were blood-splattered roads, a few hundred bullet holes and the wounded. The civilian casualties were numbered in the low double digits, which wasn't a large number, but given that the resort was so small, it was a heavy toll.

The clinic was swarmed and overwhelmed. It certainly wasn't equipped to hold up against such an attack, but order was established by the staff fairly quickly, and with the help of the Turks. Zack even helped out with going around and healing as best as he could. Even though Tseng suggested that he rest, Zack couldn't just sit back and watch others work around him without him lifting a finger, despite having cleaned out the copies in town with a beach umbrella.

He made his way through the small clinic where people were placed on gurneys, but when those filled up, they were placed on surgical tables, desks, even the ground. Whatever they could scrounge up, the injured were deposited on. He finished tending to a little boy's scraped knee, and Zack couldn't help but smile as all the boy needed was a small bandage strip and then a ruffling of his hair to make him giggle. At first he was crying as if it was the most painful thing in his young life, and it perhaps was by that point, but then he was distracted by a plush animal from the gift shop and seemed to have forgotten how to be upset. He didn't know what he just survived through, and it amazed Zack that his childish innocence was able to block everything from affecting him.

After many of the things he had been through, Zack wondered if it would be possible to just distract himself with something and be that blissfully unaware. And of course, he thought of Cloud and how he wished that _he _could be a distraction for the blond and make him happy.

Zack's eye caught a trail of blood on the ground from around a corner where nothing but complete silence was coming from. There were no staff members, no injured people lining the hallways, nothing but a row of rooms and the lights above. It was a creepy sight – like something out of a horror movie. He followed the trail until it led into a room that was nearly destroyed, with the bed practically cleaved in two and nothing but blood lining the floor. There was a bedside tray that was but a broken heap off to the side and IV lines splayed about, lying beside what was the metal stand. That was now in two separate pieces with one side dipped in blood.

He stepped in carefully, as if he was entering a homicide scene. He glanced around the bed for a chart or anything that would give him some sort of inclination as to who was in the room and what could have possibly happened, but then he just scoffed to himself when he realized how daft of a thought that was. He knew exactly what happened, but perhaps he was in such shock that both Graves and Mejia were in the same town with him that he didn't even notice.

Mejia had been injured in Kalm by Kunsel, he knew this by the file that he removed from Tseng's desk, but how Mejia made it across the continent with such a wound was a wonder. And how Graves managed to track him down was a wonder, as well. Maybe he was underestimating Graves, but he never struck him as the type to be so good at detective work. That was something left to the Turks to handle, and Zack only wondered if they had any idea of what happened here.

"Know what happened here?"

Zack jumped and turned quickly. Reno was leaning against the doorway, the sleeves of his uniform rolled up with blood stains on his hands and arms. He looked a bit tired, but was his usual calm self as he glanced Zack over.

"What?"

"Whaddya mean, 'what'?" He motioned around to the destroyed room that Zack stood in the center of. "What happened to the room?"

Zack looked around, sucking in a breath to speak. He didn't know what to say. He knew exactly what happened, but he felt conflicted about the truth. As much as he wanted to go after Mejia, he didn't want to risk putting Graves in danger of getting caught if he were chasing him. His main concern was Cloud and how he would react to everything, especially if his friend was harmed.

He wasn't even sure if the company was fully aware of Graves going AWOL. If Cloud didn't know about it, but Ratcliff did, who else did and did not know? Kunsel must have known, there was no way that he didn't, seeing as he was in charge of the unit, and the fact that he seemed to always be one step ahead of everyone. Kunsel had a duty to uphold to Shin-Ra, so there was a possibility that he informed the higher-ups about Graves' disappearance already. Although, he could have withheld the information for the sake of Cloud, or until he thought of how to properly handle it. He was not one to make impulsive decisions just to appease Shin-Ra fully, but rather thought his actions out carefully, and how to approach certain situations.

And if Zack mentioned Mejia, would it make it seem like that was what was always on his mind? He didn't want to give off the impression that he was becoming obsessive about hunting the man down. It had been high up on his to-do list for a while, but seeing how broken Cloud had become, he was trying his best to reset his mind and his priorities. Maybe the less that he inquired about Mejia and just kept quiet, the less that he would be followed.

He was obviously still being followed, as moments later Cissnei appeared behind Reno, peeking into the room to see what was going on. He was really tired of seeing these two.

"No. Not a clue," he said simply.

"Looks like someone had a little dispute about the dinner menu," Cissnei said, stepping in. She was still wearing that yellow bikini, but was holding her weapon in her hand and looking very out of place.

Reno chuckled, pushing himself away from leaning against the doorframe. "Mighty big dispute, yo. Looks more like a war."

"Maybe one of the Genesis copies made its way in here," Zack said, trying to mask the nervous lie that wanted to come out.

"'Ey, leave the guessin' to the Investigative Department, yo. Why don't ya go start packin'?"

Zack's ears perked up and it must have showed because Cissnei stifled a laugh. "Wait … you mean …? I'm goin' home?"

"Yup."

Cissnei flashed him a grin. "No use having you trying to relax on vacation when the whole place has been destroyed."

"That means … I can see …"

The two Turks watched Zack as his previously solemn demeanor shifted quickly to an excitement that only a giddy teenager would get when having someone agree to going on a first date. In fact, it was like the feeling he had when he went on his first date with Cloud, but this time it was more relief that he would get to see him and protect him than anything else. There was still a fluttering in his stomach and a skip of his heartbeat, and that was about the best feeling he had had in the past few days.

"The bird leaves in an hour, yo. Better get goin' if ya wanna get back to see 'im tonight before lights-out. The flight is long, yo."

Zack nodded, almost gratefully. "Right, sure thing." He flashed Cissnei a smile and gave Reno a pat on the shoulder as he passed them. But he stopped when Reno suddenly spoke, and that flutter in his stomach wrenched into a knot.

"Sure ya don't know what happened here? If ya know somethin' …"

"No," Zack said quickly, and he was shocked to hear the firmness in his voice, and he could sense that the two Turks were a bit shocked as well. "I would tell you if I knew anything." He then changed the tone of his voice to a lighter one. "But … gotta catch that bird." He glanced over his shoulder to the two, and they just stood there staring at him.

Eventually, what seemed like an awkward eternity, Reno spoke again. "See ya at home, Slick."

Zack let out a silent sigh and left. He wondered if he just made things worse for himself.

* * *

Anger, confusion, betrayal – words that felt as if they weren't strong enough to compare to everything that was going on in Cloud's mind. It was a storm – churning and unpredictable, leaving him disorientated about what to think and who to trust. It left him feeling foolish for having believed Ratcliff, and for even thinking about confiding in that damned psychologist one bit.

They both knew the truth, but in some warped sense of righteousness they decided to lie to him, to force him to believe whatever they told him or whatever sick memory that would flash in his mind, all with the guise that it would help. Distorting his already fragile psyche just because some text book or college course told the psychologist that it would benefit him didn't make it morally right, and his trust in her was shattered as quick as it had even briefly appeared.

And how pretentious it was of the psychologist to think – _expect _Cloud to not be angry with Ratcliff. He considered the man to be one of his closest friends, and for him to listen to some … _shrink … _over his own instinct was enough to make Cloud want to lose whatever shred of sanity he might have had left after everything. The only thing that was keeping him from remotely losing it was a constant mantra of Zack's name mending the gaps between his tattered thoughts.

He pushed himself forward, his legs weakened but willing, carrying him through the halls of the building. It felt aimless at first, but once the elevator opened and he was met with a security door with a keypad, he recognized where he was. He found his shaking hand scratching against the buttons as his mind searched for the code. After a moment, he punched in the code, but had entered it incorrectly. He cursed to himself, his breathing continuing its ragged pace as he tried again, and the little green light flicked on and he stumbled through the door.

The familiar hall was empty with silence, each door that he passed untouched and forgotten. It felt like forever since he had last been in this hall, and it felt like forever since the last time he had knocked on that door, but it had only been a single day. And each day before, he had done the same thing. Cloud had searched for that person, he searched for the comfort that only he could bring, hoping that once he knocked, Zack would be there to open the door.

He had been calm the past few days when he approached the door, but now as he neared, he began to run towards it, as if getting there a moment later would change the outcome. His hands sought to only knock, but found that they were pounding; he sought to stay strong, but found that he began to cry. With each thud of his fists on the heavy wood, the sound was only a reminder of the solitude he had been feeling. It echoed in the hallway, bouncing off the walls and coming right back to him, resonating in him as he crumbled.

Now, his quiet sobbing muffled the last echo, and he sank to the cold floor with his forehead pressed against the door. He wanted in. He wanted to enter the safety of Zack's apartment, away from betrayal, away from his current reality. But even if he had a key to the door, and even if Zack was inside, he would still be alone.

Cloud now wanted nothing more than to see the man and to put his wavering trust in his arms. He didn't care anymore, and he _couldn't _care anymore. It was getting much too much for him to continue with these thoughts all alone. He thought he had Ratcliff and he even thought he had the psychologist if he wanted to open up, but now he realized that the only person who would never betray him was Zack.

Maybe Zack would think him weak. There was a chance that he would judge him, or baby him, even be disgusted with him. It was something that made Cloud frightened to think about, but coming clean with him and finally opening up with everything that had happened seemed to outweigh any sort of fear or doubt.

He finally pulled his forehead away from the door and scooted around, leaning against it. He wiped at his eyes with his gloved hand, but only more tears came rolling down his face. He was past the point of telling himself how pathetic he was for doing this. He had accepted it, and now all he could do was rest his head against his knees and stare at the door at the end of the hallway, hoping that Zack would walk through.

Occasionally, he would hear himself sniffle or sigh heavily, and that was enough to keep him from crying himself to sleep on the ground for a little while. After what felt like several hours, and perhaps it was, his crying did nothing to stop him from falling asleep.

* * *

The hour went by slower than he would have ever hoped. He didn't bring much with him for his vacation, but what he did have, he was able to pack back up in record time. It was a haphazard packing job with his belongings tossed inside thoughtlessly. He didn't even bother to take a shower to wash the sweat, dirt and sand from him, as he was afraid that he would somehow miss the flight. So he simply changed from his swimming trunks to his uniform, and then went to leave. He didn't even bother checking out of the inn as it was completely deserted. Perhaps the innkeeper was killed, or holed up somewhere in refuge, but Shin-Ra would foot the bill, regardless.

So for the rest of the time, he paced back and forth restlessly on the dock, waiting for the helicopter to finish fueling. It seemed like forever, but soon he was boarded on the bird and was flying over the ocean towards Midgar. He had a long flight ahead of him, and it figured that the one time he didn't feel much like talking, the pilot was extra talkative. He heard the man prattling on over the aviation headset about every little thing that he could possibly think of, and Zack just politely responded without so much as caring.

He immediately had his phone out, hoping that he would have some good news about _anything _waiting for him in his inbox, but he realized that he had no reception out in the middle of the ocean. It was closed with a perturbed sigh, and he leaned back in the seat with nothing to do or occupy himself with for the rest of the flight. All he could do was sit and think.

He seemed to be doing that more often than not, and it was becoming frustrating. Thinking all of these thoughts, whether it was about Shin-Ra, Mejia or Cloud … none he could act on. There was nothing worse than having to sit through days upon days of musing, and not being able to do anything about them.

Forcing time to move faster would only work in his dreams, so perhaps if he were to nap, he would be able to see Cloud again. So his arms were tucked against his chest, his head leaned against the small window by his seat, but sleep never came. He tried for about an hour, and then another, but the sounds from the helicopter and his mind were too loud.

Zack opened his eyes after a while when the pilot said they would be landing soon. He thought that maybe he _had _fallen asleep through the whole flight, but when he spotted a cargo ship out in the middle of the ocean, he realized it was only to refuel. It was necessary, but certainly frustrating, as all he did in wait was more pacing, more musing and expending more energy doing this.

He was very tired, perhaps even grumpy, and wanted nothing more than to get back. He wouldn't rest, he wouldn't even bother unpacking his belongings. With his seabag in hand, he would search for Cloud until he found him and held him at least for a moment. Even if Cloud complained that he smelled of sweat and blood, it wouldn't stop him from that embrace. A single moment of being near him would wash away any of his previous worry, and perhaps he could spend more time with him that week now that he was back.

Zack wanted to take him out somewhere, and it didn't matter where. He just wanted to help take Cloud's mind off everything and make him feel normal. But he had a hard time thinking of things to do, and anything he did come up with just felt as if it wasn't good enough. A great date to Zack could be considered something as cliché and simple as dinner and a movie; he would be perfectly content with that. Cloud would probably enjoy it too, but he wanted to do something special for him in the future. Maybe ease into some sort of elaborate date with small and casual ones beforehand. And it couldn't be just yet, but possibly when Cloud was feeling a bit better and was more confident with himself.

Hopefully the Turks would be off their back by then, he realized. Until then, Zack would be on edge, and also on his best behavior, no matter how hard it would be.

As he made his way back to the helicopter, he noticed that the sun was beginning to set, and it reminded him of the sunset he watched on his flight over to Costa del Sol. He had been quite disgruntled at the whole situation then, and although he saw it for its beauty, he couldn't enjoy it. Now he was beginning to feel more upbeat, and the deep and rich colors in the sky reminded him that he was getting close to home and close to Cloud. He found himself finally smiling, and he resolved that despite how _cliché_ and _simple_ it was, he wanted to watch the sunset with Cloud one day.

* * *

Cloud wasn't sure what woke him up at first, but it had been something that he heard in the hallway. He thought he had heard a voice, but when he lifted his head and looked around, he was by himself. It took him a few minutes to realize that it had been his own voice talking in his sleep, but the fresh tears on his skin suggested that it wasn't so much talking in his sleep, as it was crying.

His legs dropped down from being bent, and his arms were sore from having fallen asleep with them folded across his knees. He immediately felt embarrassed and hoped that no one had walked by while he was asleep, but assured himself that it was probably only a few minutes that he had dozed off. It wasn't until he pulled down his glove and looked at his wristwatch did he notice that he had been asleep in the hallway for three hours. It was about ten minutes to lights-out, and now it was pointless to be waiting around for Zack like a lovesick puppy.

He stood slowly, his body tense, yet weak. His muscles complained at him as he stretched, and even his face was sore from having fallen asleep against his arms. His uniform felt heavy on him, and he just wanted to go back to the barracks and change into his sleep gear. He began to walk down the hallway but stopped as he heard a sequence of beeps coming from behind the door. His breath hitched in his chest, and he began to both panic and become relieved.

His eyes were wiped quickly and clumsily and he sniffled a few times to make sure he wouldn't sound too nasally if he were to speak to the person behind the door. If it wasn't Zack, he would still have to salute and greet the person, so no matter who it was, he didn't want the person to know that he had been asleep and crying.

Cloud suddenly froze and his heart started to pound in his chest as the person entered. Zack walked in, and he found himself unable to move or say anything. The man looked very tired and a little down or irritated. There was something different about him too, but Cloud couldn't put his finger on it.

"Cloud? Hey!" Zack's face lit up when he saw him, and a huge smile easily replaced the bland expression he previously had. "What're you doing here?"

Zack's teeth looked whiter than usual, and Cloud realized that he was much tanner. He must have been in Costa del Sol for the past few days. Or at least working out in the sun. "Oh, just stopping by to see if you were here." Cloud blinked at the sound of his voice. It sounded casual and confident, and he was surprised with himself. "Just wanted to say hi for a bit."

Zack finally reached him but didn't embrace him just yet. Instead, he peered down at him, inspecting the look on his face. "I'm sorry, babe. Were you waiting long?"

Cloud shook his head, forcing a smile. He really didn't want Zack to know how pathetic he had been the past few days. "No, no, not long at all. Maybe about ten minutes."

Zack widened his eyes in a brief shock as he noticed deep red lines going across Cloud's face. It looked like the imprint of a pillow after a long nap in his skin. Maybe Cloud had been asleep before coming to see him, but he had a strong feeling that he fell asleep outside his apartment in wait for him again. But Cloud had a smile on his face that was hard to read into, so Zack decided not to question him. "Sorry about that, I hope you weren't worried about me. I wanted to talk to you a few days ago to tell you that I was going on a vacation."

"Oh, I figured as much," Cloud said, shrugging casually. "I stopped by here and there when I had some free time, but … just put two and two together."

"Kunsel didn't tell you I was gone?"

Cloud had remembered that Kunsel wanted to speak with him about something, and now it had made sense. He wished that he hadn't been so flustered that day and in such a rush so he could have at least stopped to hear him out. He now felt like an idiot. "No," he said slowly, "he did want to tell me something, but I was … pressed for time. It's okay, no harm done."

Zack smiled warmly at him. He was so happy to be back and to see Cloud again that he started to already forget what happened earlier that day. He wasted no more time and he leaned down to kiss Cloud's cheek. His skin was warm and comforting, and Zack really did miss the simple feeling of just being near him. He pulled away to move onto giving him a kiss on his lips, but as his tongue darted out to moisten his own, he tasted something salty.

Cloud looked up at him almost shyly or nervously as Zack frowned. "Zack?"

He looked into his eyes, now seeing past that smile Cloud was holding. His normally bright eyes seemed to be listless and reddened, heavy with the evidence of crying for a long time. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, fine," Cloud said, looking away briefly before forcing himself to smile more.

"Cloud, was there … something you wanted to talk to me about?"

Cloud's eyes finally met Zack's again, and he stared at him for a few moments, shifting on his feet. Zack looked even more tired now that he was up close, and he had smears of dirt across his face, and his hair seemed disheveled.

_It was nothing more than a bad day, _Cloud told himself._ A bad week even. Everyone has them. It's not worth ruining Zack's night with my problems._

"No, nothing, Zack."

"Are you sure?"

_Maybe … I'll tell him another time. I'm just happy to see him …_

He nodded slowly, trying to keep a smile on his face. "Yes, positive. Just … wanted to spend some time with you and see how you were doing."

"You aren't lying to me, are you?" Zack said, his eyes narrowing at Cloud.

Cloud stammered for a moment, shocked, but he eventually chuckled a bit dryly and shook his head. "No, I'm not lying. I really did want to spend time with you."

"That's not what I meant, Cloud. You just look like you have something to say, is all."

"Nope," he said, still holding a smile, "just that I missed you and that I'm happy to see you."

"Oh, well, likewise." Zack smiled at him warmly as Cloud reached up and brushed his arm. "Want to come inside for a bit?"

Cloud shook his head. "No, gotta get going. Lights-out in about five minutes."

"Are you sure?"

Cloud's hand dropped from Zack's and he frowned, speaking quickly. "What's that supposed to mean? Of course I'm sure."

Zack's smile faded as well at Cloud's tone. "Well, I know that. I just wouldn't feel right if I didn't offer again and just walked off …"

"Well, it makes it sound like I'm stupid and don't know what time it is or what I want!" Cloud took a step back angrily.

"Cloud, what's wrong?" Zack took a step forward, reaching up to rub his shoulders lightly. "That's not what I meant, please."

Cloud suddenly let out a shaky sigh, his nonchalant persona crumbling quickly. "I-I know, sorry. I just had a really long damn day," he mumbled, looking down at the floor.

"Hey, keep those apologies coming, it just means more lip service you owe me."

Cloud looked annoyed and shrugged Zack's hands off his shoulders. "Goodnight, Zack."

"Hey, hey, don't be that way," Zack said, stepping to the side to block Cloud from walking around him. "Look, how about I go down to your barrack and see if I can excuse you for the night? Spend some time with me."

"No, you don't have to," he said simply.

"I know I don't _have to_. I _want _to. C'mon, whaddya say?"

"No, Zack. It's okay, really. I don't want anyone thinking I have special privileges or anything."

"It's not special privileges. They don't know what I'm pulling you out for," Zack said in a lighthearted manner, hoping to convince him. He really didn't want Cloud to go off on his own after the way he looked. He was worried and he _had _been worried about him for the past few days. He just wanted to lie with him through the night and make sure that they were both happy.

"Please, Zack," Cloud said, his voice pleading. "Just … don't."

"Cloud, I really think you should spend the night with me," Zack said, frankly. "Especially if you've had a bad day. We can go inside and talk about–"

"For the last time, I'm _fine_! Just drop it!"

Zack stared at Cloud for a few moments in disbelief. He had snapped at him yet again, and now he was worried that something might have happened earlier in the day to put him in such a foul mood. "Please, Cloud, just talk to me," he said, his voice full of concern. "I can tell something is really bothering you, so _please_."

But Cloud ignored the concern in his voice and took another step back from him, shaking his head angrily. "I'm not a damn girl! I don't want to sit and talk about my problems, alright?"

"Cloud," Zack said, trying to keep his voice calm and his actions calm, despite the panic he was feeling towards the situation. "I know you're not a girl, but maybe you'd be happy if you at least tried–"

"You know, you're starting to sound like that damn psychologist!" He took a few seconds to try to calm himself when he saw the hurt expression on Zack's face. "Just … leave me alone right now, okay?"

"If that's what you really want."

Cloud stood there, his eyes beginning to well with tears and he quickly looked away so Zack couldn't see them. He didn't know why he was acting this way, especially towards Zack. Zack didn't deserve to be talked to like this, but he wasn't sure why he would be so relentless with him.

"Is it, Cloud?" Zack said almost impatiently as several long moments passed of silence.

"Maybe we can see each other tomorrow or something," he finally mumbled, his voice cracking a little.

Zack sighed, both annoyed and relieved. "I'd really like that, Cloud." And he meant it.

Cloud nodded a few times, not making eye contact with him. "I didn't mean to ruin your night."

"You didn't. But it'd be a hell of a lot better if I got a kiss goodnight."

Cloud nodded and they finally closed the gap between them. Zack finally embraced Cloud like how he had been wanting to do since he had left. He held him tight, burying his nose into his hair and breathing in deep. He smelled like how he should have and Zack ridiculed himself for checking, but after the last time he was away, he wanted to make sure that Cloud hadn't been in the infirmary for any reason. "Hey … Cloud?"

Cloud lifted his head slowly, his eyes a bit glossy from the tears he was still trying to fight back. He looked so upset with himself, but he was as sweet and as cute as ever. It reminded him of the night of their first kiss, no matter how heart-wrenching the circumstances were.

"I …"

"Yeah?" he said when Zack trailed off, his voice barely coming out in a whisper.

Zack mouthed something, and then stammered something, but ended up just shaking his head to dismiss it. "I just really missed you."

"I missed you too, Zack."

"Can I have that kiss now?"

"O-only if you think I deserve one after snapping at you." He looked down again.

Zack reached beneath Cloud's chin and tugged his face up from looking at the tile. He leaned down and placed a kiss on his lips, unhurried and full of emotion. He began to pull away, but instead kissed him two more times, a bit faster but just as meaningful.

Cloud finally pulled away, shivering briefly at the loss of body heat. "Goodnight, Zack."

"Goodnight, Angel." Zack watched him walk past, and it looked as if he had a slight frown on his face once again. He waited until Cloud left before cursing to himself over not being able to say what he really wanted.

* * *

The barrack was calming down by the time Cloud made it back, and most of the men were packing up their belongings into their lockers and slipping into bed. There was chatter between the men, but it was mostly subdued. They had another outing planned in the morning and most of them were dreading it, so the mood was rather dull. Cloud was dreading his own day tomorrow, as he surely would have to report into the office again.

_The _office. No longer did he think of it as 'the psychologist's office'. It was as if he was just accepting his fate and assuming his role as … one of them. He didn't know how much longer he would have to go there, but any longer and he would probably lose it. He even felt like skipping his duty in the morning, but the company would send the Turks after him for sure. Suddenly Zack's offer of somehow getting him excused from the barracks didn't seem so bad, and maybe he could have done it with his duties as well.

He shed himself from his heavy uniform and changed into his sleep gear before climbing into his bed. He watched as the last of the men settled in and the lights were shut off, and he realized that Ratcliff still wasn't back yet from his mission. He had been gone for too long now, and Cloud surmised that he would have been worried if he wasn't so mad over everything.

Despite his anger, his mindset was a bit more calmer now that Zack returned, so that was one less person to worry over. And maybe Cloud was calm enough to start to think a bit more rationally. Thinking back to the official orders that he was given to attend sessions with the psychologist, he recalled that the woman herself said that she _ordered _Ratcliff to lie to him. At first, he thought that she was just running her mouth or was trying to make Ratcliff not seem like the bad guy, but he could have tried a bit harder to be more truthful with him.

Ratcliff wasn't one for confrontation or disobeying orders, but he did hold his friendships in such a high regard that it was shocking to Cloud that he wouldn't at least drop some sort of hint about what was really going on. Perhaps the company threatened him with something big – a major punishment – and maybe he was just scared. So Cloud was starting to see how it wasn't all his fault, but Cloud couldn't help but feel cheated.

He rolled over onto his side and stared at Elici's bunk, then looked up to Graves'. What the hell was that man trying to prove? What would he possibly have to gain for running off? Cloud knew it must have had something to do with Elici, but there was more practical ways of asserting some sort of revenge for him, but instead Graves was doing things in his own way and not thinking things through.

Shin-Ra had to have been sending the army or SOLDIER out to look for Mejia. Hell, even the Turks. That was their job, after all. They were the ones to investigate, and the army and the SOLDIERs were called upon to do the actual dirty work, depending on the severity of the mission, but in this case, the crime.

Maybe that's where Zack had been all this time, or maybe that's where Ratcliff was. If there was some chance that Ratcliff had been sent out to chase after Mejia …

Cloud didn't want to think about what could happen, or what Mejia was capable of, as he knew first hand what that was. He felt sick to his stomach then, and now any possibility of getting sleep for the night was gone. He was feeling tired, and he hadn't been sleeping well lately, despite the strange naps he was taking in front of Zack's quarters, so he was hoping that he could at least rest easy that night knowing that Zack was home safe. But now this new revelation took away any chance of having that, and he was left with the cold surrounding air of the barrack and even more chilling thoughts.

* * *

Somehow Cloud managed to fall asleep around one in the morning, but it was only for about an hour. He woke up when a strange dream began playing out in his mind, but it really was the conversation with the psychologist that he was remembering. He was back in that hallway with that woman admitting having lied to him, and so he forced himself to wake up. To him it didn't feel like a dream, but reliving the actual incident. It was a surreal feeling, one that denied him sleep for a few more hours.

And during those hours, he spent his time just staring up at the bunk above him, thinking more and more about Ratcliff. The more he thought about him, the more confused he became trying to decide how he should ultimately feel about him. He eventually was able to calm himself once again, and right as he felt sleep tugging at him, the other men in the barrack began to wake and start their day.

Cloud groaned, frustrated. It was already six in the morning and he had to get up to drag himself to his duties. He was hoping that Zack would come in at any moment to whisk him away for a distracting date together, but after his behavior the night before, he felt as if he didn't deserve it.

But Zack never came, distractions were a far away dream, and his reality was the office in the medical ward. Soon, that reality became a nightmare when the full-time receptionist was back from her vacation, but he was told that he still was needed in the office.

And if there was anything worse than a nightmare, Cloud was in it when the psychologist entered the office and informed Cloud that instead of working at the desk for the first hour, she would be having a session with him. He wondered how good of an acting job he could pull off if he were to feign fainting. It wouldn't be that implausible, considering his recent stay in the infirmary. All he needed to do was just start complaining of a headache, or weakness, then when no one was looking, he could easily drop down to the ground and play opossum until the medics were called.

Instead, he found himself sitting – squirming – on the couch in her office for an excruciating hour. He had absolutely nothing to say to her, and he made sure that he made that well known to her with a combination of glaring, scoffing and outright ignoring. She would ask him a question and he would conveniently find some tiny little thread on his uniform to tug at for a good few minutes until she dropped the question and moved on. He would then move onto another little thread that wanted attention, or even rubbing out scuff marks on his knee armor with his glove.

A few more questions later, and Cloud realized that he could do a much better cleaning job on his armor if he were to remove his glove and lick his thumb, then rub out the scuffs. Soon, half an hour already went by and now he had very shiny knee armor.

He contemplated taking his now favorite little beaded pillow and using it to take a nap on her couch, but it would prove to be hard to accomplish sleeping when she was explaining how her actions and Ratcliff's actions really did benefit his memory. The only thing that he benefited from by all this was remembering how much he didn't like her and how much he originally distrusted her. Perhaps there was some good that came out of it, as he regretted ever having though about confiding in her during the previous week.

Soon, an hour passed and he finally said his first sentence to her that day, and in the end it was the _only _sentence he said to her.

"Can I go now?"

She finished with a small frown and a single nod, then went on to ask him to still not be so mad at Ratcliff, or even with her. He was already exiting her office before she could finish her selfish plea, and he pretended to not hear her, or the sigh she made as the door shut.

The rest of the day there in the office was as expected – long and boring. He was a lot less frustrated now that the full-timer was back, but still hated the job with a passion. When the time finally came to leave, he was out the door even _before _they could shut the lights off. He definitely wasn't going to linger for too long and allow that woman the chance to open her mouth again, trying to tell him some nonsense about accepting and understanding.

He made his way back to the barracks after a quick meal, and he was tempted to stop by Zack's place, but refrained. He felt embarrassed with himself enough as it was for having gone there everyday, but now that Zack was back, he could at least relax, if only a little. But as the night went on and there was no sign of the man, Cloud began to worry that perhaps he had offended him or made him angry.

Ratcliff still hadn't returned as well.

* * *

Two more days passed, and there was still no sign of Ratcliff, but Zack did manage to stop by once out of those two days. He had claimed that he had to attend a debriefing of his vacation, of all things, and an undisclosed meeting for the past few days, and that was why he couldn't see him. He didn't stay for long, and the most that they did together was take a short walk around the halls of the barracks. They just chatted briefly and casually about their days. Zack promised that he would see him soon, and take him out for dinner. And as fast as he came, Zack had to leave again.

At the office, the psychologist had a session with him each of the days as well. Cloud spoke only a little, but he fidgeted a lot less and was maybe more attentive and open to what she was saying. Cloud just figured he was cooling off from it all, and getting over the shock of Graves leaving and being lied to.

The more he thought about it, the more sorry he felt for Ratcliff for having to actually go through with those orders, no matter how immoral they were. And the more he reflected on it, the more Ratcliff seemed horribly disturbed whenever Graves was brought up. It must have been difficult being torn between fear of punishment and fear of losing a friend. In all honesty, Cloud probably would have done the same thing.

And he _was _doing the same thing with Zack. He still couldn't find the courage to bring up anything that happened in Kalm, or even any of his feelings, so he really wasn't that different than Ratcliff. He couldn't judge him anymore, and now he was beginning to truly miss him, and beginning to truly worry.

He hadn't slept well for the past few nights, so he was quite irked when the door to the barracks opened in the middle of the night and the relative silence was disrupted by the shuffling of three people. Cloud tried to keep his eyes shut in hopes that he would fall back asleep quickly, but when his bunk began to shake, he forced himself to sit up.

Ratcliff was in the middle of climbing up to his bunk, and both Haskin and Pawn were doing the same to their own. It was an odd time to get back, but Cloud could care less.

"Ratcliff! You're back!" he whispered, kicking the covers off his body to stand.

He stopped climbing and smiled a little. "Don't get up, Cloud," he said, his voice sounding tired. "Go back to sleep, yeah?"

"You've been gone forever."

"Not forever, just a few days."

"It was a week, Ratcliff!"

Ratcliff climbed down the ladder, frowning in thought. "Yeah?"

"I was … worried."

"Yeah?"

Cloud nodded and shifted on his feet, looking as if he wanted to say something.

"Everything go okay while I was gone? You all right? Zack all right? Did I miss anything?"

Cloud was now frowning, a visible distress crossing his face. "Um …"

"What? What happened?" Ratcliff was now worried, his eyes flickering on Cloud with uncertainty.

"I … remembered. What really happened."

"Oh."

They fell silent for a while, just shifting uncomfortably in each other's presence. Ratcliff no longer looked at him and instead stared to the side down at the floor in shame.

"I guess I don't blame you," Cloud finally said, almost sounding upbeat.

"Cloud, no, it was wrong-"

"I probably would have done the same thing. I mean … I _am_ doing the same thing."

"What?"

Cloud shrugged, looking away to the same spot Ratcliff had been staring at once he turned his head to look at him. "With Zack. Haven't told him anything."

"Cloud, look, I really am sorry, yeah? It's just that … when you came back you didn't remember a damn thing, yeah. The doc said that it would help somehow …" he said feebly. He really didn't know what else he could say to get his point across other than an apology.

"Let's just forget about it for now, okay? I'm just really glad you're back. I was worried that something happened to you."

Ratcliff laughed quietly. "What would've happened?"

Cloud's eyes went over to Elici's bed briefly before looking back down at the ground again.

"Nah, no worries. We just escorted Scarlet to Corel to watch over the construction of the reactor there! No Mejia, I promise, yeah." He reached up and patted Cloud on the shoulder reassuringly with a small smile.

Cloud suddenly wrapped his arms around Ratcliff in a brief but tight hug. It caught him off guard, and instantly his heart began to race. He had never embraced Cloud like this, or been embraced by him. It was always pats or friendly slaps … sometimes even an arm around the shoulder. But a hug …

He pulled away and smiled up at Ratcliff, looking relieved.

There was another silence between them, but this time it was heavy and full of a one-sided shock. Ratcliff scolded himself for looking into the hug too much and tried to tell himself that it was just a friendly gesture. Of course it was, Cloud was with Zack.

But he couldn't help but dwell on his own feelings, no matter how selfish they were and had been in the past. He knew he was undeserving, but he still couldn't stop himself from wanting to act on his thoughts.

"Cloud," he began, after letting out a shaky sigh. "A-after the incident in Kalm, I got to thinking, you know? How much … I think of you as a friend, and …"

Cloud took a step back from him, not out of fear or confusion, but out of curiosity. He peered into Ratcliff's face, trying to guess where he was headed with this.

Ratcliff looked up at Cloud after going silent once again. The expression on his face was very endearing and inquisitive. He mustered up a rather stupid smile, and with each word he was yelling at himself inwardly. "Well … I guess I … I … lo-_left _..." He shook his head, letting out a dry laugh. He paused for a moment more, then continued slowly and carefully."...to my mission on a bad term with you, and I'm sorry, yeah?"

Cloud looked lost in thought for a moment, picking apart what Ratcliff said. "Bad term?" He sat back down on his bed, frowning now. "I guess I forgot about that, actually. I understand."

"Well, I didn't mean to snap at you when you asked about Graves. But … now you kinda know why."

"No worries, Ratcliff." Now, Cloud mustered forth a smile that looked halfhearted. Or perhaps he was growing tired again.

"Get some sleep. And I promise that … next time I'll be honest and tell you what's on my mind, yeah?"

Cloud just nodded and crawled back into his bed, settling himself down beneath the blanket with a stifled yawn. "No worries," he said again.

Ratcliff smiled down at him before he crawled into his bunk. His smile faded instantly as he stared up at the ceiling. He could feel Cloud turn in the bunk a few times as he messed with his pillow, but then quieted.

He couldn't tell him, and he knew he shouldn't. But now, he couldn't stop himself from thinking of doing it, even if it was selfish.

_I promise._

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-Four: Unhurried.

Ending Author's Notes: Welp, Zack is finally back, and tanner than ever! Just a little bit of Clack interaction. I know it's not what everyone was hoping for, as Cloud had somethin' up his butt and got all rawr, BUT that'll be for next time. Some good ol' lovey-dovey in chapter thirty-four.

… Aren't I just the worst?

Anyway, the next chapter will be out on Tuesday, June 15th! So be here, or Pedo Ziggeh will come and find you … Ò w Ó

Thank you for reading and reviewing! Much, much love!


	34. Chapter ThirtyFour: Unhurried

Chapter Thirty-Four: Unhurried

* * *

Cloud wanted to talk to Ratcliff in the morning, but there was no rest for him or the other men of the unit. Their routine started early – showers, then head down to the chow hall, then out to one of the few ground compounds for exercise. Cloud was thankful that Ratcliff managed to wake him up right as they were leaving, as he soon realized he was running late. He would have to wait until later to talk to him about Graves, if he even would.

Now that he remembered a good portion of what happened, he almost wished that he hadn't. It was just a constant reminder of one of his friends abandoning him, Ratcliff and the company. Cloud could only guess that it was for revenge, but now that the truth was out, he wanted to talk to Ratcliff to see if he knew anything more. It was no use continuing to lie to him.

He was happy to hear that the psychologist wasn't going to be in until the afternoon, so there would be no session for him. Her schedule was full until the end of the day, so he managed to relax and just do the job at hand without worrying about having to sit through her blathering. And even when she did finally come in, she only said her standard hello to him, as he did to her, and that was it. The day passed quickly with only a few hiccups during, as Cloud accidently mixed up a few patient files, but the full-timer managed to help him sort it out.

The mac and cheese in the chow hall at dinner was for once cooked properly, and even though he sat alone at a table, he was somewhat content. He was hoping to see Zack coming in to eat at some point, but he never did. Cloud decided to just go and see if he was home, even though he was still ashamed of himself. His empty tray was discarded and he realized then that that had been the most he had eaten in quite a while. The past week he really had no appetite, and now it was back to normal.

It really was a bad week, and he just figured it was to be expected with having his last remaining two friends just leaving unexpectedly as they did. But now they were back, and this day was going pretty decently, so he wanted to indulge himself in a bit more happiness by seeing Zack.

He reached his apartment and shuddered at the silence of it, and hoped that he wasn't going to be disappointed. He paused for a brief moment, setting himself up for disappointment out of a newly formed habit, but when he knocked, there was the sound of a pan hitting the counter behind the door.

Cloud didn't even have time to register that happiness of hearing something break the silence, as before he could, Zack was opening the door and standing before him.

"Hey, just in time. I'm making a gourmet meal of grilled cheese," Zack said, laughing.

Cloud just stammered in shock that Zack was actually home, and found that he couldn't say much of anything. He just felt himself smiling.

"Come on in, please." He stepped to the side and gave Cloud an amused look when he continued to stand there. "Do I have to drag you in?"

"No, no," Cloud finally said with a breathless chuckle. He stepped in and began to unlace his boots. "Just … didn't expect you to answer the door so quickly."

Zack moved to the kitchen when he realized the stove was still on but his pan was sitting on the counter. "Want one?"

Cloud finally removed his boots and placed them neatly by Zack's. "No, just had dinner. Although," Cloud said, frowning in thought as he joined Zack in the kitchen, "I might take a bite."

"That's the spirit. One bite, coming up."

"Why don't you just go down to the chow hall for dinner? I should have brought you something better than this."

"What's better than a grilled cheese sandwich? I had a craving I couldn't ignore," he said simply, resuming the cooking of his equally simple meal.

"I guess you have a point. It's quick and easy, and even guys like us can cook them." Cloud leaned against the counter, watching Zack closely. He was reminded of their first date together as Zack cooked, and he continued to smile.

Zack glanced over his shoulder. "Ah, sorry. Where are my manners? Want somethin' to drink?"

Cloud laughed, shaking his head. "No, thank you."

"Well, would you like a kiss hello? And I don't take no for an answer."

"You're in a good mood today," Cloud said thoughtfully, peering over his shoulder to keep an eye on the sandwich as Zack was still looking at him.

"Actually, I had a shitty day. It only just got better when I heard a knock on my door."

Cloud nodded to the pan. "Flip."

Zack looked back at the sandwich and realized he didn't grab the spatula beforehand, so he began to mildly panic as he opened and closed the drawers in the kitchen in search of a utensil. "Where the hell is the damn thing?"

Cloud stepped over to the sink and frowned, looking inside. "It's in here. Is that … the dishes left over from that breakfast you made us a week ago?" Cloud's voice was full of disgust.

"Only some of them," Zack said sheepishly. "I got halfway through before Tseng called me and ordered me to his office."

"That's gross, Zack. It's moldy."

"Hey, I'm a victim of circumstance." Zack offered up a shrug and grabbed a fork instead and attempted to flip his sandwich. "Just leave it, I'll do it la-"

Cloud was already squirting soap on the sponge and turning on the faucet.

"Dammit, Cloud. Just leave it, please. Go sit down and relax."

He just ignored him and continued to wash the dishes. "I wish I would've known that you didn't finish washing these. I would've come and cleaned them for you while you were gone."

Zack was suddenly quiet for a moment, looking lost in thought as he checked beneath the sandwich. "Huh," was all he said after that moment was gone.

"What?"

"Just … thinking of something."

"Care to share?" Cloud patted the spatula dry with a dishtowel and held it out to Zack with an expectant face.

Zack took it with a grin. "Nope, not today."

Cloud's expectant face turned to confusion and then almost a pout. "Well, when?"

"Soon. Don't you worry. Now," he said, flipping the sandwich, "about that kiss?"

"I think you should be more concerned with that burnt grilled cheese of yours." Cloud motioned down once more to the pan.

"I like it burnt." Zack shut the heat off and pushed the pan to the back range. "Besides, it can wait. A kiss, however, can't."

Cloud smiled shyly at him, pushing himself off from leaning against the counter. "But … your dinner."

Zack tried to hide the frown that he was sure surfaced its way to his lips. He wasn't too sure if Cloud was just being his usual shy self, or if he really didn't want a kiss and was trying to avoid it altogether. He was now unsure if he should just drop it, or press on.

But Cloud's mouth twitched to the side before smiling a little bit more as he took a step closer. "Well … are you sure I deserve one?"

That frown lifted into a warm smile – soft and understanding. He lowered his voice to a murmur, not to sound sultry, but to convey his seriousness. "You will always deserve a kiss from me, no matter what." He reached up, rubbing Cloud's upper arms. "Is this about the other night?"

"I just felt bad for snapping at you," Cloud said quietly, his eyes darting over to Zack's discarded dinner. "I'm really sor …" He frowned then, stopping himself from saying it as he could see Zack's face from the corner of his eye perk up in anticipation. He was just waiting for him to say it and pin it on him.

Cloud really didn't like when he did that, and he just wished he would let him apologize for something that honestly did need apologizing for. But he sighed a little and frowned to himself before speaking slowly and very awkwardly. "I didn't mean to snap at you and I understand that it was wrong. Next time … I'll try hard to think before I speak so I don't offend …" He trailed off just as awkwardly as he spoke.

Zack stared at him, trying to read the strange expression Cloud had on his face. Who … actually spoke like that? It sounded like gibberish that he would expect that psychologist to feed to him. It was carefully worded and too considerate to be natural, and now Zack was feeling as if he actually missed Cloud's apologies. And now, he was missing that smile that he had on his face not moments before, so Zack just shook his head with a chuckle. "Don't worry, it didn't bother me. You looked pretty tired, and maybe I was being too pushy."

"That's no excuse."

"Sure it is. If I was tired and cranky and I got a bit short with you, would you hold it against me?"

"No, not forever."

"Exactly. Don't stress over it. I'm not bothered anymore, so it shouldn't bother _you_ anymore."

Cloud finally looked at him and smiled again, even if it was smaller than the ones he had just shared. "Thanks, Zack."

Zack just shook his head, dismissing the conversation. He was still unsure if he could kiss him, but Cloud finally stepped close to him. He slipped his arms up against Zack's chest and lifted himself up on his feet. Their lips briefly met in a modest kiss, but it didn't seem to satisfy either one of them, and so they tried again.

Now, it was unhurried; it was sweet. Cloud's lips had felt dry when they started, but as their kissing continued, they began to become moist and soft. It was sensual, with hands that only roamed to caress and with quiet moans to only represent their affection. They didn't move from their spot in the kitchen, as there was no need. It was only a kiss that led to nothing more than more kisses.

Tender pecks, upper lips rolling over bottom ones, even a shy flick of a tongue … each held the release of a longing to see each other; to taste each other once again in this way. Warmth was captured between their bodies and their mouths, and it was savored, enjoyed. Each subtle shift against the other seemed to only bring them closer, uniting them in a way that they perhaps had forgotten. It had felt like an eternity for them since they last were like this, and so an eternity they would take together with this kiss.

Parting was just as unhurried, and even just as sweet. A soft murmur from Zack accompanied Cloud's smile, and Cloud's content blush accompanied Zack's loving caress of his cheek. And even though they pulled away from each other, that warmth shared was still resonating between them, enveloping them with the feeling that they had missed dearly.

They both wanted to say so much to each other then, and yet, not a word was said between them. Zack simply turned to plate his dinner, and Cloud just watched him with the same interest as he would if Zack had been doing something more interesting. This was the type of silence that could make Cloud happy, and now, silence didn't seem so bad.

The television was turned on as they sat, and they both took an odd comfort in seeing that _their_ sitcom was on. Zack ate his dinner in peace, after Cloud snagged the first bite, and Cloud even replaced the plate in Zack's lap when he was finished.

"You made yourself right at home, didn't you?" Zack said, smiling down at Cloud who had reclined on the couch with his head in his lap. "I didn't even have to beg."

Cloud went to speak, but cut himself off with a rather cute yawn. "I guess I just missed you," he finally said. He blinked slowly and suddenly he looked really tired.

Zack began to stroke Cloud's head gently, almost petting him. "I missed you too. Sorry that I was gone for so long."

"Don't worry, it's understandable. What did you do? You look tanner than usual."

He scoffed, staring into the television. "Was forced on a vacation for some unknown reason. I just think the missions were scarce so they had to do _something _with me."

Cloud laughed lightly, and it was such a comforting sound. "A forced vacation? That's strange. I would love to take a vacation, forced or not."

"Well, they sent me to Costa Del Sol. It was pretty nice there, actually, aside from not wanting to go."

"Hm … I bet." Cloud stretched a little, readjusting his cheek against Zack's thigh.

"Actually … are you into all that?"

"What?"

"The beach scene."

Cloud paused for a moment, thinking. "I guess so. It's nice and all, but I never really gave it much thought before. I don't see why not."

"Ever been to Junon at least?"

"Nope."

Zack was the one to pause in thought now, but his hand didn't pause its stroking of Cloud's hair, and that seemed to be lulling him into a sleep. "Well, maybe I can take you there one day. They have excellent seafood. Better than Costa Del Sol, actually. You like seafood?"

"You're not setting me up for a lame joke are you?"

"No, no, I'm being serious! Besides, I've been done with my sandwich for a while now."

Cloud went to sit up but Zack pushed him back down onto his lap gently. "Yeah, I like seafood …"

Zack resumed the stroking once Cloud settled back in place. "Then how 'bout I see if we can go together one day? I don't think it'll be anytime soon, seeing as I just came back from a vacation, but I can try."

"That sounds great," Cloud said, glancing up at him with a tiny smile. His eyes were looking half-lidded and his voice came out heavy with drowsiness. "I'd like that."

"And … maybe we can relax on the beach together all day until the stars come out."

"Now, _that_ sounds sappy."

Zack frowned, but it took him a minute to realize through Cloud's sleepy voice that he was being sarcastic. He responded with a chuckle and brushed his hand over Cloud's forehead. "You know that I do sappy so well."

"I know, I'm getting used to it."

He let out another chuckle, followed by another comfortable silence. They stayed like that for a while, the sounds of the television being ignored by the endearing sounds of Cloud's breathing as he eventually fell asleep in Zack's lap. He stirred for a moment, but only to crawl further onto Zack's lap and settled when the man resumed stroking his head.

It was a wonderful feeling, having Cloud so close to him again, and so Zack allowed his head to lean back and his eyes to rest. One hand sought out the remote control blindly while he kept his other in Cloud's hair, and he turned the television off. He wanted nothing to interfere with their peace, and so he reveled in it for as long as he could until he himself fell asleep.

* * *

There was a sharp movement in his lap and it caused Zack to startle awake. As his senses began to collect, he heard and felt Cloud fussing against him. The boy was clutching his uniform trousers in his hand and twitching as he slept. It was mostly in his shoulders, but his legs were shifting against the couch as if he was in a significant amount of discomfort.

"Cloud, hey," Zack muttered, groggy.

Cloud didn't respond. He continued to mildly convulse against him with a soft whimper.

"Babe, wake up." He shook his shoulder, glancing to the clock on the wall to see how long they both had been asleep for. It was at least an hour and a half. Cloud had a little bit more than another hour and a half to get back to the barracks. He then wondered if Cloud was back on full-duty again, but as he lay there on the couch in pain, he could only assume he wasn't. "Let's move you to the bedroom, come on."

He finally gave a groan as a response but remained asleep.

Zack rubbed his eyes, barely feeling awake enough to move himself. He was too relaxed and too content prior to this. "Cloud, come on," he said, lifting him gently as he slipped himself from beneath Cloud's body. "I'll carry you then." He stood and bent over him, wiggling his arms beneath his shoulders and knees, then scooped him up. He prepared his muscles for lifting his weight, but found that the boy was a bit lighter than what he remembered from the first time he carried him.

He gave Cloud a kiss on his forehead before taking him to his bed. He placed him down on the side that he had slept on each time he had stayed over. He bent down, removing his knee armor, then his shoulder armor on his uniform. He wanted to strip him down more to be comfortable, but thought better of it. He didn't want to risk making him uncomfortable, or to trigger any bad memories by doing so, even if it was with good intentions. Instead, he pulled the blanket over him and gave him one more kiss, but this time on the lips.

Cloud let out what almost could have passed for a coo, and Zack couldn't help but kiss him one last time. He thought he felt Cloud kissing him back weakly, and when he pulled away, his lips were parted as if he had. Zack stood and watched him sleep for a few minutes, smiling at each rise of his chest as he breathed, and each subtle movement of his eyelids. Whatever pain he was in seemed to have subsided, so Zack took that moment to slip out into the living room to clean his current mess _and_ his past mess in the kitchen.

The dishes were cleaned fairly quickly, as he wanted to crawl into the bed with Cloud and cuddle. He was surprised at the rate they were cleaned, given his usual laziness in taking care of such things. Any other time he would have thought of an excuse to put them off until later, but he also knew that Cloud would wash them given the chance. So he finished putting the last dish away and swiftly headed back towards his room.

There was a knock at his door and he froze in place. After a brief silence, he decided to ignore it and head into the bedroom, but the knocking continued. Zack sighed and shut the door softly to not disturb Cloud and went to see who would be disturbing _him_ this late.

Kunsel stood before him, strangely dressed in a 3rd Class uniform with his face mostly hidden beneath his helmet. It took Zack a few moments to recognize him, and he looked nervous.

"Kunsel?"

"Zack, we need to talk."

Zack scoffed, leaning against the doorway. "Oh, so now you come around."  
"C'mon, man, let me in."

There was a moment of hesitation, but Zack eventually stepped aside and let his friend in. He entered and sat down on the leather couch, not even bothering to remove his helmet as if he was afraid that he would be caught speaking with Zack.

"Want a drink?"

"No, it's okay," Kunsel said, sitting down stiffly. "Look, Zack, it's been killing me."

Zack sat down next to him, kicking his legs up onto the coffee table. "I'd imagine so." He wasn't even going to pretend like he didn't know what Kunsel was referring to.

"Your place isn't bugged, is it?"

Zack scoffed again, frowning at him. "I highly doubt that."

"I wouldn't put it past 'em."

"Then if you're not gonna talk …"

Kunsel shook his head. "No, let me. I can't take it anymore. You know how I am."

"Yeah, I know. I'm surprised you lasted this long without spillin' the beans."

"Well, they're really watching my phone, just so you know. But I don't think I was followed." Kunsel smiled a little and Zack could tell he still seemed nervous.

"So what do you wanna say?"

"Want me to tell you everything I know?"

Zack shrugged nonchalantly. "Better late than never."

"I know and I'm sorry. I was ordered."

"Since when do you really take orders to keep your mouth shut to heart?"

"They've never monitored my texts."

Zack sighed, glancing him over. He already knew most of what Kunsel was planning on telling him, and now he was more curious to know why he was dressed in a different uniform than with what he had to say. And as Kunsel told him everything he already knew, he didn't even bother feigning surprised. But when Kunsel began to add in minute details such as overhearing Cloud plead, 'Please, don't do it. I'll do anything else', and then his constant repeat of Zack's name, it proved to come as a shock to him.

It must have been apparent that he was horrified over hearing this, as after a few awkward moments passed, Kunsel had reached over and gripped his shoulder tightly.

"You all right?"

Zack found himself nodding yes, even though he wasn't.

"It's sick, I know."

"He was … really calling for me?"

Kunsel nodded solemnly, his hand dropping back down to his own lap. "Yeah, heard him in the truck ride home. It was hard to hear him but after a few hours of it, it was apparent what he was saying," he said quietly.

It was then that Zack was thankful that Kunsel spoke in a very calm tone. He only really got loud when he had a few beers or when he was yelling at the army cadets. He was used to speaking softly and had trained himself to be respectful of certain conversations due to the amount of knowledge he knew and his ability to somehow keep it under wraps even after sharing it out loud. So Zack wasn't too worried about Cloud waking up and hearing the conversation taking place out in the living room, as he knew Cloud would surely be distraught over it. He was also thankful that Cloud didn't snore very loud, otherwise he would have to explain why the cadet was in his bed to Kunsel.

They sat for a few minutes in silence, but eventually Zack finally dropped the cold act he was trying to put towards his friend, and he smiled at him. "Hey, thanks, Kunsel. I really appreciate you telling me all this."

"Well, I've been dying to tell you, because I know that he's your close friend and all. He must've been acting pretty damn strange this whole time."

"It's to be expected. But you've been acting pretty damn strange yourself. Why the hell are you in a 3rd Class uniform? Did you get demoted or something?"

Kunsel laughed then and it was a welcomed sound. Zack had missed their friendship dearly since this rift was formed between them. "No, not demoted. This is my old uniform that I put on sometimes so I'm not recognized."

"What?" Zack said, chuckling.

"Why do you think I hardly ever take my helmet off and hide my red hair beneath the balaclava?" He shrugged, finally looking as if he was relaxing. "If people recognized me, I wouldn't be able to snoop as much as I do."

"So you wear your old 3rd Class uniform to hide the fact that you're you?"

"Yep."

"And what – do you have a closet full of wigs and dresses too?"

Kunsel grinned sarcastically, kicking his legs up onto the coffee table. "Hey, don't judge. At least I'll admit to my elaborate schemes."

Zack lifted an eyebrow at him, unable to tell if Kunsel was only joking about the wigs and dresses. For some reason, Zack wouldn't put it past him.

"You, on the other hand, still won't tell me who you're seeing. So, until you do, you have no right to sit there with your eyebrow all raised at me. So go on – put that eyebrow down gently."

Now, Zack's chuckling turned into laughter, and for a moment he had forgotten that Cloud was asleep in the other room. He quieted himself down and instead opted to reach over and give Kunsel a brotherly hug. "You're an oddball. Thanks for cheering me up."

They pulled away and Kunsel shrugged one more time. "Naturally. You've seemed … down lately."

"How would you know? We haven't even seen each other."

"Trust me, I know everything."

Zack folded his arms across his chest and grinned slyly. "Everything but who I'm in love with."

"Wait … in love?" Kunsel's eyes widened, and he actually removed his helmet in shock. "Not 'dating'?" He tugged back the balaclava, his rather wild hair finally showing. It was no wonder that he hid it. "Not 'seeing'? Not 'screwing'?"

Zack lifted his eyebrow again.

"Love? Actual love?" Kunsel watched as Zack offered up yet another shrug. "Aw, man … that's so sweet."

"Are you patronizing me?"

"Maybe slightly. I find it hard to believe that you're in love with someone this fast." He began rubbing his chin in thought. "At first, I was thinking it was just a simple fling. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am type fling, you know. But now with this new development, it leads me to believe that this lucky person is someone you've known for quite some time."

"_Person_? No longer _woman_?"

"Hey, can't rule out any possibilities."

"And what would those be?"

"Just … possibilities."

"Alright, man, whatever you say," Zack said, chuckling.

They continued to chat for a bit, but Kunsel eventually stood and donned his helmet once more.

"You in charge of the barracks tonight?" Zack asked, glancing over at the clock, worried that Cloud was still asleep. It was close to lights-out.

"I will in the morning. Hey, uh, don't tell anyone I told you all this, okay?"

"Of course not."

Kunsel nodded and went to the door but stopped when Zack spoke again.

"Besides, I already knew."

There was a very perplexed look on Kunsel's face as he turned, and he took a step forward but stopped when his boot hit something on the ground. He glanced down at the shoes by the door, but ignored them and looked back up to Zack in shock. "How did you know already?"

"You're not my only little birdie."

"You mean … I've been stressing over this for the past two weeks, and you already knew?"

"I guess you have."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You never answered your phone," Zack said simply.

Kunsel sighed, pulling his helmet on tighter to hide his features, and he opened the door. "Guess you're right. I've learned my lesson. Sorry about it all, Zack."

"I don't blame you, I would've been spooked too."

"Wait … so Cloud hasn't told you anything yet?"

Zack shook his head solemnly. "No, and I don't think he will."

"You gonna ask him about it?"

He looked off to the side, his eyes scanning his closed bedroom door. He was quiet for a while, a frown slowly coming across his face. "I … don't know how."

Kunsel nodded, even though Zack didn't look at him. He found himself frowning as well, and his shoulders slumped as he finally stepped out in the hallway. "I don't blame you." He waited until Zack said a quiet goodnight, and he shut the door.

* * *

It had taken a few minutes to wake Cloud, and he was very disorientated when he woke, but after a cold glass of juice, he was ready to head back to the barracks. Zack was reluctant to let him go back, and he had offered to see if he could be excused for the night, but Cloud refused. Cloud just fixed his hair quickly, then went to leave with Zack following behind.

"You don't have to walk me back to the barrack," he said, looking at Zack.

Zack was walking very close to him down the hallways, and the few people that they were passing gave them a quick glance before continuing on. "Hey, that's what I'm supposed to do. I am your boyfriend, after all."

Cloud stopped walking, frowning at him. "Don't say that."

"What?" Zack stopped and turned to face him. "Boyfriend? Well, isn't that what we are?"

"I don't want you to call me that, and I don't want to call you that either."

He laughed dryly, almost taking offense to what Cloud was saying. "Why not? What's so wrong with it?"

"It just … sounds funny, is all." Cloud twisted his hands together, his eyes cast down at the floor.

"I admit, it kinda does," Zack said, shrugging. "But those are the facts. We are what we are."

Cloud lifted his head slightly, peering at Zack with a hopeful look through his hair in front of his eyes. "Can't we call us something else?"

Zack pulled Cloud off to the side next to the wall, glancing around. He spoke quietly when no one else was around, and his hand gave Cloud's arm a gentle touch. "Does it make you uncomfortable?"

"A little …"

Zack smiled wide then, happy to hear that Cloud was voicing his opinion about such a subject; it gave him hope. "Well, I won't say it then. I'll just call you Cloud."

"T-thank you."

"Or babe."

"… Zack."

"Or Angel."

Cloud lowered his head again, and as he did, Zack thought he saw him make a face at that. He remembered Cloud making a similar look the time before.

"Cloud?"

"Yeah?" He began walking through the empty hall again, his pace faster this time.

Zack trailed behind a few steps, frowning at him. He decided not to ask. "I have tomorrow off I think. You should stop by when you're done with your duties."

Cloud stopped, glancing to the closed door of the barrack, then to his watch. He seemed to relax when he realized he had a few minutes still. "Sure," he said, finally smiling at him. "I'd really like that."

"Great. Can I kiss you goodnight?"

"But … what about the cameras?"

"Just a quick peck."

"Well … I guess so–"

Zack watched as Cloud's eyes darted past him, and he heard footsteps coming their way. He looked over his shoulder to see Ratcliff and Pawn coming down the hallway. Pawn was carrying a chessboard with him and Ratcliff was giving them both a friendly wave.

"Hey!" Zack said, smiling at the both of them. "Good to see you guys."

Ratcliff nodded, giving Zack a handshake when it was offered to him. He found himself being pulled into a friendly hug afterwards, followed by a few hard slaps on his back. "Good to see you, yeah. Nice tan."

Zack offered his hand to Pawn, who only just stiffly and awkwardly saluted him instead. He just chuckled at the boy and opted to return the salute. "Thanks, I made the tan myself."

Cloud smirked a little. "What a strange thing to say."

"Well, I did, sorta," Zack said, watching as Pawn excused himself and entered the barrack. "You guys played chess?"

"Yeah, he's teaching me. Hard game."

Zack nodded thoughtfully. "I don't have the patience for that."

"You don't have the patience for most things," Cloud said, almost mumbling as if Zack wasn't supposed to hear.

"You're right, I don't. Especially for that goodnight kiss I asked of you."

"Zack …" Cloud said, glancing to Ratcliff briefly.

"What? He knew about us from the start." Zack looked back at the man, and he just nodded slowly. "See? So it's okay. Only if you're comfortable."

"Please …"

"Hey, after insulting me and my patience, I think you owe me one," Zack said playfully.

Cloud eventually stepped forward, giving Ratcliff a look that begged him to look away, which he did.

Zack rubbed Cloud's shoulders as he leaned down, smiling as their lips touched lightly. He was about to pull away, but stopped when he felt that Cloud was beginning to increase the pressure of the kiss. He sighed with happiness and was surprised to feel that Cloud gave him a few extra pecks as they parted.

Ratcliff looked back when they were done, shifting on his feet. "We should get inside, it's almost lights-out."

"Yeah, sorry," Zack said, chuckling. He let his hands slowly slide from Cloud's shoulders and down his arms, not wanting to let go. "I guess I'll let you go now."

"Goodnight, Zack," Cloud said quietly, a small smile on his face, below a large blush on his cheeks. He glanced warily to Ratcliff and turned to enter the barracks.

"Night," he said to Cloud, then looked to Ratcliff who had a slight grimace on his face. "Night, bud."

He nodded, his eyes briefly meeting Zack's before he smiled. "Yeah, night," he said flatly, and followed Cloud into the barracks.

* * *

Graves could see it in the distance. In fact, he had smelled it first, even before his eyes could make out the twinkling lights. Dust, sand, coal – it hit his nose in that familiar way that reminded him of everything he left behind. He hadn't been there in years, barely contacting his family with a pathetic handwritten letter, so seeing – smelling – it now was an overwhelming sensation.

And even though he was dreading going back, the pain in his leg had increased over the past few days and he needed rest. He was fearing that the puncture wound was becoming infected, but he had been too busy pushing himself to properly tend to it. After Zack had let him pass in the resort, he didn't want to stop and look back. He was angry at himself, as when he exited the town, he saw Mejia climbing into the back of a truck with a couple that was fleeing from the Genesis copies. He tried aiming a few single shots with his rifle at Mejia, but the truck took off too quickly to be in good range.

So he walked the direction the truck went for about a day, following the tracks in the ground. He only took a handful of breaks. He soon found that no matter how strong he thought he was, exhaustion was always lingering and heavy, so he was forced to rest and regroup. He was running low on ammunition and his water supply was thin, having used a good portion to flush his wound along with the few potions he had. He had a choice to make – keep his wound clean, or save his water to cross the vast desert ahead.

There were no villages between Costa Del Sol and Corel and no bodies of water, so he sparingly used his supplies. Food was nibbled, water sipped, his clothes used to wrap his thigh to help keep it free from bacteria … wherever he could cut corners, he would. Sleep was scarce as well, but soon waves of delirium struck him, so he forced himself. He wanted to store up enough energy to get through the desert.

He knew it well, having grown up in Corel. The desert was beautiful in its own haunting way, but was deadly if underestimated. The heat would be stifling during the day and sunstroke was common. But at night when the sun set, temperatures would plummet to freezing, putting travelers at risk for hypothermia. The extreme temperatures alone were enough to claim even the strongest and most prepared individual.

In fact, it had claimed many lives over the years. The land was mostly flat, and the horizon was visible for miles, but it all looked the same. It was surprisingly more disorientating than if it had been lush terrain, as there were few natural landmarks along the way, and a quick encounter with a monster could leave a traveler forgetful of their original direction. Citizens of Corel had tried to create landmarks in the area that led travelers back to the town if they were to lose their way to the coal mines, but the strong winds and sandstorms would blow them away.

After the death of a few of the town's children who became lost while exploring, volunteers banded together to form a service to patrol the desert on chocobo and carriage for any travelers who might have lost their way. They would be picked up and carted back to town to safety, and even free of charge. The citizens didn't want to see any more deaths out in the desert, so they operated on donation.

Graves was more than grateful to hear the familiar warking of a chocobo nearby. It was just in time too; he had been walking for three days now, and his water supply was nothing but meager drops in a bottle. He was even down to his last energy bar and cigarette. His skin was chapped and sandblasted raw, even his sunglasses were scratched from the harsh winds whipping the sand about. His leg had been feeling a bit better, despite all this, and when he knew he was near the town, he used the last of his potions instead of hording them. It was hard to part with them any other time, never knowing when he would be able to buy or even find another one next.

He heard the carriage driver shouting back to him from the perch that they would be arriving soon. Graves sat up and stared out through the front again. The smell of coal was getting stronger. The town would have the potions he needed, it would have the food he craved, it would have a nice bed to sleep in. Hopefully, it would have the man he hunted.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-Five: Labels.

Ending Author's Note: Hello! A few things to mention!

The joke that Cloud mentions while they're talking about seafood is a childish joke that people play on each other (not sure if it's just English-speaking people) when they're eating. Someone will ask if the other likes seafood, and when they say yes, the person will take a bite of food, chew it up, then say, "Then see food!" and they spit their tongue out to show the chewed-up food. Seafood and "see food" is pronounced the exact same, obviously. It's really just a gross joke, and yet for some reason I don't put it past Zack. XD

Balaclavas are a head scarf-like headpiece worn beneath helmets in the military. They can cover the entire face, or just the head and neck. They're generally worn as protection of their skin, and are also flame resistant. If you look closely, SOLDIER members wear them. :D

Also, obviously we don't know what Kunsel looks like, so I'm going off good ol' fandom. I've seen several fan-art pieces of him with red hair, and I think it fits him. Kunsel as a redhead = win. I love Kunsel, by the way. *swoon* OH! Speaking of redheads, did anyone notice that Reno does NOT have his ponytail in Crisis Core! I just noticed that the other day while re-watching the scene where you meet Cissnei and I was stunned! No ponytail! *dies!*

Also, this is a strange question, but would anyone know where I could download really awesome Zack and Cloud skins for the Sims 3? I haven't looked yet myself, but just thought that I would ask you wonderful people first! Anyway, I'll keep my blabbling to a minimum …

Hope you enjoyed the Clack fluff in this chapter! There will be even more to come. So, wander back on June 29th for the next chapter! Thanks for reading and enjoying!

**EDIT 06-23-10**: HELLO! More amazing Malady fan-art! **MeykoLove **has draw **eight** new pieces! There are some concept sketches of my OCs in there too! It all looks so amazing! Here are the links. Remember to remove the spaces:

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Mejia-Trials-168687997

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Graves-Trials-168687927

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Elici-Trials-168687813

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Ratcliff-Trials-168687745

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Collage-168687673

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Joining-ShinRa-168687607

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Imagining-Cloud-168687518

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Chibis-168687403

EDIT 06-25-10: NYAAAA! lady-yuna7 has drawn an awesome realistic version of Ratcliff showing his naughty side! She did an amazing job! Check it out!:

http : / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Realistic-Ratcliff-169004662

If, for any reason, these links don't work, head over to my profile to find them. They are linked in there, and you can also find them on my personal deviantART page which is also linked in my profile on here. Enjoy!


	35. Chapter ThirtyFive: Labels

Chapter Thirty-Five: Labels

* * *

Corel was just as he remembered it. Everything seemed stuck in time, from the creaky wooden water tower, to the crooked sign on the Mine Pub. Sand and dust caked the roofs of the old stone buildings, symbolizing not only the age of the town, but the pace of it. The shingles would lift and flap in the desert wind, the old windows would rattle when a truck drove by; nothing had changed.

Nothing _in town _had changed, but there was a massive structure seen in the distance that Graves had never seen before. Looming its shadow over everything, it almost blocked out the morning sun as it began to rise. It truly was an ominous sight, and it did nothing to settle his jitters he had for being home. It was bad enough having to face the town and family that he had left to join Shin-Ra, now he was face to face with a piece of what he just left behind back in Midgar.

A nearly-completed mako reactor, standing strong and proud, representing the very core of Shin-Ra. The light of the growing day reflected off the surface, blinding anyone who looked its way to marvel, or to hate. It was a structure of hope and change for a better future for some, and it was a structure of controversy for others. The town was reluctant, wary of the promises of prosperity in any other means than coal and oil. But poverty spoke volumes, as did colorful speeches from Scarlet, the head of the Weapons Development Department.

She was a cunning woman, luxurious in looks and in dress, and even more so in the art of business deals. It had taken awhile to crack the citizens of Corel, and some outright protested the building of the reactor, but after much debate, it was unanimously decided.

Graves' uncle had been the one to preach to the town, taking the side of Shin-Ra, all for the rather blind dream of the riches and comfort that a reactor could – would – bring. But his uncle was a trusted, hardworking man among the citizens, and so one by one, they banded together with him to support the construction of the reactor.

The only person opposed had been their neighbor Dyne. A stubborn man, perhaps just has headstrong and difficult as Graves' uncle. He was vehement against it all, taking nothing Scarlet promised as hope, but as simple propaganda. Spoon-fed lies to sate the hungry, the poor and the tired, he believed. It would bring nothing but politics and laziness to a town of men and women who made an honest living working in the coal mines.

Mako was not to be trusted, even if it had been around for quite some time. Being used to power an entire metropolis on the other side of the world wasn't impressive enough for Dyne, but he soon was outnumbered with supporters. With his resolve weakened by his family and friends, he eventually gave in.

And so, the construction of the mako reactor started, and soon the town began to prosper. Mako was efficient, the siphons and pumps did all the work, and even citizens of the town were trained in maintaining parts of the reactor core. No jobs were taken from the miners, only changed and enhanced, and it was all thanks to Shin-Ra. People were happy, and even now in the early morning, citizens were out of their homes and heading to another day's labor.

A small plume of dust was kicked up as a warming breeze began to chase the chill of the night away. It brought back memories of leaving early in the morning to the coal mines with his uncle with a pack full of tools and a belly full of a hearty breakfast. His aunt would stuff them full of food, then send them on their way with a threat that if they weren't back in time for dinner, they would go hungry until the next morning. His uncle would then say that if they didn't make money, they would all go hungry until they starved to death. It was just another game one trying to one-up each other in their stubborn relationship.

Graves walked through the streets, trying to keep his head down as he passed the windows of the old houses and shops. He had spotted a few new faces around town already, and any of them could have been employees of Shin-Ra, whether that be from the army, SOLDIER or otherwise. Corel was now teeming with the stench of the company, and he began to wonder if it was a good idea to return there.

His old house was almost exactly as he remembered it – constructed in the same mismatching stone as the rest of the town, with the same rickety shingles and the same rattling windows. Worn-down concrete steps greeted visitors, followed by a heavy wooden door with his uncle's last name across it. Flourishing plants that his aunt once tended to were now puny and shriveled, grouped together in pots along the porch. It was hard to keep plants healthy in the harsh desert, but she somehow managed to do it with dedication. But now, they were nothing but sad remains of her hobby and pride, most likely lost with the illness she was suffering through.

He no longer had a key, having left that on the kitchen table the night he left, but he knew that there was one somewhere around there. He searched around for a bit, his hand shuffling around the windowsills and beneath the doormat. Eventually, he came upon the key tucked under the leg of the porch bench that his uncle and Dyne had built together. It was a simple piece of furniture, but it served its purpose on peaceful summer nights, and also served as a hiding spot for the key.

The wooden door was opened quietly, and he expected to be overwhelmed by the smell of his aunt's cooking. When he stepped in, nothing but cool air filled his lungs, with only a subtle hint of his uncle's cologne, which was always in the air, regardless. Everything around looked the same, maybe just a bit older and dusty. Normally the house was kept spotless by his aunt, and this was just more evidence of her deteriorating health.

He really didn't want to see them, only because it _had _been so long and he was feeling more than guilty for not keeping in touch, but as he heard his aunt coughing over the sound of his uncle snoring in their bedroom, he was glad to be there.

Graves limped over to the couch, setting his seabag down before plopping onto the cushions. It seemed a lot smaller than he remembered, but it was just as cozy. He was going to take a nap, and when he woke, he knew he would be fed a huge meal by his aunt, and then yelled at by his uncle for a good three hours.

* * *

The psychologist had been speaking with him for a few minutes, and Cloud actually found himself speaking with her about a few things, even if they weren't about what was bothering him. It started with her politely explaining to him about his mix-up of the patient files from the previous day and how to avoid it again, which led to him apologizing without actually saying sorry. She was happy to hear the different word choice from him this time and praised him for his effort.

It felt unnatural, but afterwards he finally felt as if he did something right, and he began to relax into the rest of the hour-long session. She had tried to bump it to an hour and a half for not being able to have time with him the day before, but decided against it as he was for once talking with her. She wanted to take what she could get with him.

"Have you spoken with Mr. Ratcliff yet?"

Cloud shook his head, for once not sitting nervously on her couch. "No, we've been busy. I wanted to ask him about it all last night, but I fell asleep before I could."

"Oh? Are you sleeping better? You've looked tired lately."

"I did last night. But before that, it hasn't been very consistent."

"Give it time. Going through traumatic experiences can affect your sleep patterns. How is your appetite? You look like you've lost some weight."

"I've been skipping breakfast for sleep."

She chuckled quietly. "That's another example of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't'."

"I guess so."

"I don't want you skipping meals. If you want, we can schedule you for thirty minutes later in the morning so you have time to eat."

"Well … how much longer do I have to be on light-duty?"

"I'm still unsure of that, Cloud."

He frowned and his shoulders slumped. It was disappointing to hear, but she just offered him to come in a half-hour later, so he was going to take it. "I can come in later, if that's okay."

"Of course. But, just make sure you're eating something beforehand. Otherwise I'll expect you back here at the time we open, if I find out differently."

"Yes, ma'am."

She was quiet for a moment, clicking her pen a few times to fill the silence.

"Zack and I finally got to spend some time together."

"And how did that go?" She stopped clicking the pen, sitting up straighter in her seat – if that was even possible – and looked intrigued that he had been so open to say that.

He was surprised with himself too, and it was apparent because he sat and blinked afterwards, as if hearing his own voice was foreign to him. "Um," he said slowly, "he was gone for a while, but he's back now. We saw each other last night."

"What did you gentlemen do?" She smiled at him warmly.

He suddenly felt his face heating up and he cleared his throat casually, trying to distract her from noticing his cheeks turning red. He wasn't sure why he was blushing, as all they did together was watch television. After the tender kiss, of course. "Just … watched TV."

"Sounds relaxing. Did you talk with each other?"

Cloud nodded, finally feeling his face cool down once he pushed the memory of their moment together out of his mind. "Just about this and that. His vacation he was on, the beach, seafood ... silly stuff, really."

"It's not silly, not when it's important to your friendship. Did you enjoy talking with him about those things?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Is he easy to talk with?"

Cloud was starting to see where this was leading, and he offered up a shrug and a wary glance at the clock. He was trying to figure out the answer that would drop the subject the fastest. "Easier than most people. No matter what I say, he always seems interested."

"Even if it's the _silly things_, right?"

" … Right."

"Those seemingly 'silly' conversations are normal, Cloud."

He wasn't quite understanding where she was now going with this. "Okay …" he said slowly.

"It's perfectly normal to not want to talk about what happened with anyone and to hold 'silly' conversations instead."

"I … know that," he said, looking away again. He was now growing uncomfortable, but figured the conversation would end up this way sooner or later.

"_You _are perfectly normal," she said simply.

Cloud was silent for a while. He didn't realize at first that he reached over and grabbed that pillow and held it to his stomach. All he could see was the rug on the floor blurring. "I … don't feel normal."

"That's understandable," she said softly. "What you feel and what you think … those are all normal reactions to an experience that was abnormal. But you need to know that pretending it didn't exist will do nothing but make those feelings worse."

Cloud was now blinking rapidly, trying to fight back the tears in his eyes. He didn't want to react _this _way, normal or not.

"If you want to heal, Cloud, you need to move through this and stop denying that it happened." The psychologist must have seen him crying, as she stood up and sat next to him with a box of tissues in her lap.

"I'm not crying," he muttered, turning away slightly.

"Well, tissues are here if you do." She waited a few moments, perhaps listening to his breathing and studying his body language before speaking again. "How do you feel when you find yourself reacting this way to your experiences?"

He shrugged, managing to stop his emotions from spilling over, and before he had to reach and take one of those damned tissues. "Pathetic. Weak," he said frankly.

"Cloud, reacting to these experiences like this is normal, and doing so doesn't actually make you those things. People handle their emotions differently, but each person who has been through what you have has felt that way at some point. You're not alone."

He was still again, only breaking the silence to sniffle and scratch at his face where his tears were rolling down. "I'm not denying it. I don't know why you think that."

"You _are_ denying it, Cloud. You've opened up to me during this session more than you ever have, even if it was just about a simple conversation between you and Zack. But when I start to mention the incidents, you shut down and refuse to talk about them."

"It doesn't mean that I'm denying that it happened. Maybe it's because I'm not ready to talk to you about it. How do you know I haven't talked to Zack already?"

She placed the box of tissues next to him and scooted away just a little bit. He still didn't look at her. "Well, I don't actually know that. I would hope that you have, but if you had talked to someone – anyone – about this, you would be more inclined to speak with me when I brought it up."

"It could be a matter of trust."

"With Zack, or with me?"

Cloud was silent again, giving her the answer.

"I understand your hesitation with me, but I would really like for you to talk to someone about this, if not with me."

He finally looked in her direction, but it was to only look at the tissue box.

"And while I agree that you should talk when you feel ready, I must stress the fact that doing so as soon as possible will only help in moving through this faster. At least trust me when I say that you'll feel better when you do."

"You mean, I'll feel 'normal' again," he said bitterly.

"It will be a long process, but it'll definitely help towards that." She plucked a tissue from the box and held it out to Cloud.

Cloud looked down at it, then glanced up at her with wet eyes. He took the tissue slowly. "Yeah, maybe I'll talk to someone about it."

"I won't ask you to promise me that you will, but I strongly urge you to make a promise with yourself that you'll do what it takes to feel better."

He looked back down at the tissue in his hand, then just crumpled it up.

* * *

Five o'clock rolled around and the halls began to fill with seas of people. He had a hard time making his way through, as it looked like a lot of the units were out and about as well, so Cloud decided to skip dinner in the chow hall. It was probably just as busy, and he wasn't sure if he would possibly go out to eat with Zack. He was looking forward to seeing him since their time together the night before, but he wanted to wash his face and change before going over. He could still feel the dried tears down his cheeks from earlier and it was bothering him.

He entered the barracks and saw Ratcliff lounging on Elici's bunk with a writing pad and a pen. When he neared, Ratcliff looked over at him and sat up, placing it to the side. They gave each other small and awkward smiles. Having kissed Zack in front of Ratcliff had been embarrassing for Cloud, and after they parted and got ready for lights-out, Ratcliff seemed a bit disturbed over it, too. They couldn't look at each other in the eye, but Cloud didn't know why Ratcliff would be so uncomfortable over it.

"Not going for some chow?" He looked as if he was forcing himself to look Cloud in the eye.

Cloud sat down on his bed, shrugging. "Might go see Zack in a few minutes. Hopefully we'll get something together. What're you doing?" He motioned down to the writing pad next to Ratcliff.

"Just writing a letter to my older brother, yeah. Gonna send him a little bit of gil. He's short on cash this month."

"Oh, I didn't know you had a sibling. Any others?"

"No, just him. You?"

"Just me."

"I wonder if Zack has any siblings."

Cloud frowned in thought. "I … don't know, actually. Never talked about stuff like that with him."

"Really? That's how you get to know one another."

He scoffed at the irony of the conversation. "Yeah, so I've been told," he muttered.

"Something the matter, yeah?"

Cloud was quiet for a while, shrugging after a few moments. He didn't know how to bring up Kalm in a way that would be comfortable for them both. Ratcliff must have picked up on what he was wanting to talk about, because he sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, looking rather nervous.

"I suppose … you wanna know about Graves, yeah?" He watched as Cloud nodded with his eyes falling to the floor. "I guess he deserted the night you had your first date with Zack. He tracked Mejia down to Kalm and wants to kill the guy for what he did to you and Elici. Simple as that, yeah."

"It's stupid."

"I know it is, yeah. Believe me, I tried telling him. You know how stubborn that guy can be."

"Why … didn't you tell me the truth?"

"I was ordered, Cloud. We already spoke about thi–"

"No. I asked you before all that, tons of times. I asked you about Graves the morning after my date and you wouldn't tell me."

Ratcliff sighed again, now rubbing his face with his hands. "Because I didn't know what was going on at the time and I didn't know if he deserted for sure. I just … didn't want you to get upset, yeah. You're already going through enough shit as it is." He picked up the writing pad and began to flip through the pages absently, not looking at Cloud. "I know it's no consolation now, but I was gonna tell you after we came back from Kalm, honest."

"Is he going to come back?"

"I doubt it, yeah." Ratcliff leaned back and kicked his legs up onto the bed, staring up at Graves' bunk.

"So, he's really gone?" Cloud asked quietly.

Ratcliff shrugged before slipping his hands beneath his head. He could see Cloud in the corner of his eye, and he didn't want to turn and really look at him. His shoulders were slumped and his knees together in a tense yet defeated gesture. He could only imagine what his facial expression was after realizing this. "Yeah, Cloud. Really gone. I wouldn't worry, knowing him, he'll come visit us one way or another. He cares about us, trust me, yeah."

"I … never got to tell him sorry."

"Don't get hung up on that, yeah. That guy doesn't even know the meaning of the word. It's like speaking another language with him."

"But I told him to fuck off."

"I told him to fuck off all the time, you never saw me apologizing, yeah!"

"I guess so …"

"Graves may be an inconsiderate ass, but he's not that stupid. He'll take care of himself, yeah?" He slipped one arm from underneath his head and gave Cloud a pat on the knee. He could feel him flinch as he did, so he looked over. "Nerves still bothering you?"

Cloud had his head in his hands now, rubbing his face with a pained look. "Yeah, tingles still."

"You should take your meds, yeah."

He didn't respond, but just kept rubbing his head. He slowly lowered himself down onto his bunk with a groan.

Ratcliff watched him with a frown. "You okay?"

"Just a little tired. Can you wake me up at six? I want to go see Zack."

"Sure, I can do that, yeah. But …"

Cloud lifted his head from his pillow, looking at him with half-lidded eyes. "What?"

"The other night you said you haven't told Zack anything. Are you planning to?"

"I really don't want to talk about this right now, Ratcliff." He turned over, his back facing him.

"But … if you haven't told him what happened in Kalm …" He trailed off for a moment, frowning to himself. "I just don't want him doing anything to you that would make you uncomfortable."

Cloud turned, glaring at him, and it actually surprised Ratcliff quite a bit. "What are you saying? Are you trying to say that Zack would push himself on me?"

"No, no, that's not it. I'm just saying that–"

"You're saying that I can't take care of myself."

"Please, don't put words in my mouth, Cloud. All I'm saying is that if Zack doesn't know what's going on, then he might not be cautious with you–"

"So you think that I need to be treated differently?"

Ratcliff growled, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Not differently, but carefully, yeah. He just needs to be respectful, that's all I'm saying. I know you Cloud, if you don't tell him, you'll just pretend that everything's okay and go on like everything was normal."

Cloud suddenly sat up, getting to his feet. "I suppose that's the shit the psychologist told you to say to me, isn't it?"

"Cloud, I've been through this myself, remember? Mejia has done similar stuff to me, yeah. Angels … that man had–"

"I don't care. I don't feel like talking to you right now." He went to walk off but stopped, his hand going out to the support bar on the bunk to steady himself.

Ratcliff stood, gripping Cloud's arm as he wobbled. "What happened?"

Cloud tugged himself away, growling a little. "Nothing. I'm fine."

"Maybe you should lie back down, yeah? I can wake you."

There was a brief pause, and Cloud looked as if he was thinking it over. But after a short scoff, he walked away to change, leaving Ratcliff standing there.

* * *

Ratcliff had tried to get him to stay and rest for a while, but Cloud honestly didn't feel like dealing with the man. He wasn't sure why, as he knew that Ratcliff really meant no harm by anything he had said. He just … didn't want to be bothered with any of that. He had to listen to enough of what he should and shouldn't do with the psychologist, that he didn't need his friend telling him that, too. He knew what he _had_ to do, he just didn't know if he could bring himself to do it.

He could only imagine Zack's reaction to all, and the more he thought about it, the more he considered talking to the psychologist about how he was feeling just to get her off his back. Maybe then he could be released back to his regular duties and get away from her once she deemed him 'normal'. That word was really angering him today, but he couldn't think of a better one to describe himself, so perhaps the psychologist and Ratcliff did know what they were talking about.

"Cloud?"

Cloud sucked in a quiet gasp as he heard a familiar voice saying his name, and soon he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Zack standing next to him with a confused look on his face.

They were in the elevator together.

"Zack? What … are you doing here?" He glanced around, taking note of a few other people in the elevator who were staring at him oddly.

"I was headed up to the barracks to find you. We've been standing in this elevator together for a few floors now. Lost in thought?"

Cloud felt his face heating up. He wondered just how many times Zack was saying his name to him before he actually noticed. By the looks on the faces of the other riders, he could only assume it had been for a while; they looked just as confused as he felt. He tried to speak, but just stammered out a few squeaks instead.

The elevator dinged and the doors slid open, letting out a few passengers. Zack slapped a hand to the door to hold it, and nodded his head towards the floor. "Let's get off here."

"But …"

"Do you have to be somewhere?"

"I was going to look for you, actually."

"Then let's get off here. C'mon."

Cloud hesitated at first, but the warm smile on Zack's face urged him out the cart and onto the sixty-first floor. They entered the lounge, full of the tables and potted plants surrounding that giant fake tree. It was the same floor that they had gone to the day of their first date, and Cloud found himself smiling softly.

They took a seat close to the tree and close to each other. Zack didn't seem satisfied sitting across from him, so he scooted around to the side so he could at least touch Cloud's thigh if he wanted. Which he did when he was certain no one was looking, and Cloud's soft smile strengthened.

"So talk to me. What's on your mind that would cause you to not hear me talking to you for several floors?"

Cloud's smile faded slowly, and he just shook his head. "Nothing, I just … wait, were you in there before I got in?"

Zack's eyebrows lifted on his face. "No, you were in there before I entered. You … okay?"

"Fine, fine. I was just thinking about some things, is all. Deep in thought," Cloud said casually.

"You sure?" His thumb began to stroke Cloud's knee tenderly. "Nothing bothering you?"

He shook his head, his hand slipping under the table to hold onto Zack's. "I was actually thinking about how much I wanted to see you."

Zack grinned very wide, his eyes lighting up over those words and over the touch. "You were thinking about wanting to see me so much that you didn't see me right in front of you!"

Cloud chuckled weakly, embarrassed. "I guess so."

"You're adorable."

Now Cloud was blushing, very embarrassed. "I'm not."

"You are! I can't help it. You know how many times I've want to call you cute, but don't because I don't want you to get mad?"

"How many times?"

Zack blinked, sitting up straight. "Well, I actually don't have a number. I wasn't expecting you to really ask." He smiled at him, giving his knee a gentle squeeze. "But, if I have to take a guess, I'd say … a million."

Cloud suddenly scoffed, wiping his brow and looking up at the tree with a frown. "Damn tree."

"What? What happened?"

"It dropped sap on me."

"It did?" Zack looked up at it with him. "Cloud, it's fake."

"Oh, must've been you, then."

Zack looked at Cloud slowly, his eyes falling from the tree to his in disbelief. His mouth opened to speak, but was so shocked over Cloud's joke that he was unable to come up with any sort of retort that would have been able to stand up to that.

And Cloud looked very smug and pleased with himself. He gave Zack's hand a few pats beneath the table before he pulled away and leaned back.

"You … brat! You're lucky there are people around, 'cuz I have half a mind to cover you in kisses."

"That's an odd punishment for insulting you."

"Oh, trust me, it would be a punishment. I'd kiss you until your lips were raw and you were begging for mercy. Or air. Whichever came first."

"Probably air."

"Hm … you're right. That's not much of a punishment, is it?"

Cloud chuckled quietly. "You might want to come up with something else."

Several sexual punishments crossed Zack's mind right then, but he kept those to himself.

* * *

They sat and talked for a while, leaning in close to smile at each other when no one was looking, or reaching beneath the table to touch each other on the leg when a smile just wasn't enough. They had talked about going out for dinner or a movie, but found that they couldn't bring themselves from moving from that spot and disrupting their conversation. An hour rolled by, and they finally decided to get up once Cloud's stomach growled loud enough to be audible over their talking.

Cloud seemed a bit woozy in the elevator, so Zack pulled him close when the last person exited as they made their way to the chow hall. He made quick use of their time alone and began to kiss him on the head, claiming revenge for the previous insult. Cloud didn't seem to mind, or even find it the least bit punishing as he just closed his eyes and smiled throughout.

The chow hall was crowded, full of loud infantrymen and SOLDIERs, so they got what they wanted and took it back up to Zack's place. The deciding factor in doing that was not the rowdy men or lack of tables, but over the fact that Zack spotted a certain redheaded Turk lurking about. That was when he realized that the situation in Costa Del Sol was cleaned up, and Shin-Ra was at it again with watching them. And Zack made it well known that he was onto the Turk.

When they got back into the elevator to head up to Zack's apartment, Zack made sure to jab the button to close the doors fast enough so Reno couldn't enter with them. Reno just shrugged as the doors closed and waited for the next one. He obviously wasn't too interested in doing his job the way he was supposed to, for whatever reason. He would most likely be turning up and hanging around the 1st Class SOLDIER floor shortly, despite this.

They got inside before the redhead could show up, and they ate their dinner together on the couch, as usual. Zack hardly used his bar counter to eat, especially when he was by himself. The couch and the coffee table worked wonders for relaxing and eating at the same time, and Cloud seemed to think the same as he promptly kicked his legs up onto it next to Zack's with a content sigh.

Zack managed to find a B-rated monster movie on the television after they ate, but it was turned down low as they talked. They were reminded of the movie they saw together two weeks prior, and couldn't help but laugh and point out all the lame similarities in dialogue and pathetic special effects between the two movies. Zack even feigned being scared over the monster, and just used that as an excuse to bury his head in Cloud's neck.

"Zack," Cloud said, chuckling, "you're acting like a girl."

"Like a girl … or a clever boyfriend just trying to get close," he said, placing several soft kisses to Cloud's neck.

Cloud fidgeted beneath the touch, but allowed Zack to continue. It made him uncomfortable at first, but the kisses stayed light and respectful, so he managed to relax. "You said it again."

"What?" He pulled away, frowning at him. "Oh, I must've forgotten."

"It's okay. I guess … I don't mind it behind closed doors."

Zack sat up straight and wrapped an arm around Cloud's shoulders, pulling him close. "No, no. You said it bothered you, so I won't call you that. I just don't know of anything else to label us as."

"Why do we need labels?"

"Well, we don't _need _them, but I like those types of labels," Zack said, grinning.  
"I noticed."

"What's so wrong with calling me your boyfriend?" He reached up and brushed a strand of hair away from Cloud's eye, only to watch it fall back in place after.

"Because it makes _me _feel like a girl," he said quietly, almost afraid to say it.

Zack chuckled, fighting with that strand of hair to stop hiding Cloud's face behind it. "But you're _my_ boyfriend as well, so maybe that makes us both girls?"

"I don't think I like that."

"C'mon, Cloud! I was just kidding. But think about it, what else are we to each other?"

Cloud was silent for a while, staring off into the television as the movie flashed on screen. "I … guess you're right."

Zack leaned down, giving Cloud a peck on the cheek as he gave him a squeeze. "I'll only call you that behind closed doors, don't worry."

"Thank you," Cloud murmured, then sighed and began to shift against Zack, getting more comfortable.

"But I make no promises with Chocobo or Angel."

Cloud stopped suddenly, as if freezing.

"What's wrong?" He pulled away from Cloud, looking down at him with a concerned frown. Cloud had that expression on his face once more.

Cloud stammered quietly, his eyes anywhere but on Zack. He looked afraid to speak, and furthered Zack's suspicion of it when he closed his mouth with a small shake of his head. Even when Zack tried to urge his thoughts from him, he still refused to speak his mind.

"You can tell me. Is it something about what we were just talking about? Or … something more?"

"More?" Cloud finally looked at him, his eyebrows raising on his face. He almost looked shocked.

"Not more," Zack said, shaking his head. "I mean different. S-something different?"

"No."

"Then, what, Cloud?"

"Really, it's nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

"Come on, baby," Zack murmured, and his hand reached up to brush his thumb across Cloud's cheek. "You can tell–"

"'Angel'. I don't want you calling me that," he blurted, his face pulling away from Zack's hand in shame.

Zack stared at him for a moment, his eyes flickering on the blond who shifted uncomfortably against him. "Angel? But … I love calling you that. I thought you loved it too."

"I don't."

"What? Since when?" Zack scooted away from Cloud, leaning to get a better view of his face.

Cloud turned away.

"Cloud? Please, don't take that nickname away from me–"

"Angels – it's Mejia's first name."

Zack slowly leaned back against the couch, his hands falling into his lap. "But … it's … it's …" He trailed off, unable to find his voice.

There was nothing to debate and certainly nothing to convince Cloud with otherwise. And they were silent – Cloud sitting in shame with his head cast down to the floor and with his arms wrapped around himself, and Zack with his mouth agape and his heart twisting in pain.

_But … you're my angel._

Selfish urges soon began to swell in Zack's mind, tempting him to explain to Cloud that a name was nothing more than just a word, and that he shouldn't let something such as that interfere with what they both enjoyed. He fought with his mouth as it dared to open, dared to say that the name was nothing more than a label …

_A label._

… and that it meant nothing …

Zack lowered his head, swallowing hard, swallowing those urges with what would have been a lie.

It meant everything to him.

"I'm sorry," Zack finally whispered, his hand touching Cloud's shoulder gently, "I didn't realize. I didn't mean to be insensitive."

Cloud continued to be silent, looking as guilty as Zack felt.

"I didn't do that on purpose, it's just that … you …"

"It's okay," Cloud whispered, turning his head over his shoulder in Zack's direction, but his eyes were still lost. "I know you didn't. I just … don't want to be called that for now."

"I understand."

Cloud began to bounce his leg, his eyes darting over to the front door. That was when Zack realized how cold the conversation now was, and how defensive he seemed towards Cloud. He shouldn't be feeling this way. He lost the nickname, but he still had Cloud.

"Hey!" Zack said cheerfully, and he gave Cloud's shoulder a squeeze. "What do you say we finish watching this terrible movie together, hm? We can hold a contest to see who screams like a girl first."

Cloud finally moved, and Zack prepared himself to watch him get up and leave without a word. But he watched as the blond turned into him with a quiet whimper, and buried his face in Zack's neck.

"Thank you," he whispered, his lips brushing up against Zack's skin as he spoke.

"Cloud, I would do anything for you, okay?" Zack said softly, his hand going to the back of Cloud's head to stroke his hair.

"I know," Cloud said, his voice muffled and quiet.

"And … you can talk to me about anything. You know that, right?"

"I know."

"And I'll always be here for you."

"I know." His voice came out even quieter.

Zack fell silent for a few minutes, smiling a little when Cloud leaned more of his weight against him. He heard Cloud release a soft sigh, and his warm breath tickled his neck. Zack let his fingers curl in his hair, caressing his scalp with his fingertips. He began to feel his own heartbeat, and it grew stronger with the new words that were now daring to come from his mouth. "And I also want you to know that … I …"

Cloud mumbled something that he didn't quite understand, and when Zack pulled away, he could see that he had fallen asleep against him. He looked relaxed and peaceful, with eyebrows that were raised on his face and lips that parted just enough to allow for a perfect kiss, if Zack were to be tempted.

The blond was lowered onto the couch slowly, careful not to disturb him. And those tempting lips were greeted by Zack's, which still couldn't say the words that he wanted.

_… I love you, my Angel._

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-Six: Cause and Effect.

Ending Author's Note: Silly Gongagan boy. Just say it already.

Lookie what I have~~~! Nya nya nyaaaa! Moar fan-art! The sweet and talented MeykoFriend has drawn EIGHT pieces of fan-art, including concept sketches of Elici, Graves, Ratcliff and Mejia! The three friends are even in there in chibi form! Super, super cute! And of course, there are some cute Clack sketches as well! One of which is sure to give a few of you nosebleeds. *cough*SquirrelCookie*cough* Here are the links to each drawing, and they are also located in my profile as well! Remember to remove the spaces first!:

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Mejia-Trials-168687997

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Graves-Trials-168687927

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Elici-Trials-168687813

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Ratcliff-Trials-168687745

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Collage-168687673

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Joining-ShinRa-168687607

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Imagining-Cloud-168687518

http : / nolfalvrell. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Chibis-168687403

And, and, and! Don't run off just yet! Adorable and talented lady-yuna7 (hehe, I remembered this time! No capital letters in your name!) has drawn something a bit different! Realistic Ratcliff! How Ratty would look in a more realistic style … and a more kinky style! It's like his naughty side that he hides out of shame … well, until he gets down and dirty. (He IS kinky, in case you've forgotten. Mentioned all the way back in chapter eighteen!) Anyway! Go here to view and comment and all that fun stuff!:

http : / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Realistic-Ratcliff-169004662

And that link is in my profile too, just in case!

Many, many thanks to them both! *smoochies!*

And thanks to all who read, fave, alert and review! Reviews keep me motivated! *bouncebounce*

So, so! Tuesday, July 13th! Be here for the next chapter, yeah? Heh … Ratcliff … heee …

Oh! Before I forget … does anyone know when Clack day is? I know there are dates that fans pick to celebrate their favorite shipping, but I wasn't sure when Clack day was. If any of you fans out there know if there is a date, please tell me! A friend wants to know, and I didn't have the answer for her. Thank you! *slips off into the shadows to finish chapter thirty-eight, which has been a huge thorn in her side*


	36. Chapter ThirtySix: Cause and Effect

Chapter Thirty-Six: Cause and Effect

* * *

"'Ey! Get your damn lazy ass off my couch!"

Graves slowly opened his eyes, making out a rather bulky form above him. He could smell his aunt's cooking in the air, and if it hadn't been for that, he would have ignored the person standing over him and fell back asleep.

"Good-for-nothin' free loader."

"Nice to see ya too, Old Man."

"The hell ya doin' 'ere in my house? Thought ya were too good for us."

There was a slight pain in his leg as he sat up, and when his hand went to touch the wound, he felt something wrapped around it. He glanced down, seeing that there were fresh bandages and splints around his bare thigh. He frowned down at the dressings, then looked up to his uncle who had an intimidating scowl on his face. "I never said that."

"You're welcome."

"I never said thanks!"

"Lazy, a free loader an' ungrateful! I see Shin-Ra's taught you well. Now get your ass up. Your aunt's makin' ya food!"

That quick exchange of banter was over as fast as it started, and his large uncle walked out of the house with a slam of the door.

That … was it.

After the years he had been gone with hardly any contact, having left without a warning … that was all his uncle had said. It was all rather anti-climatic and left him feeling as if he needed to chase after the man to question him. Instead, he found his aunt peeking around the wall from the kitchen and giving him a bright smile. And all she said was that breakfast was going to be ready.

It was very surreal, but he didn't dwell on it for too long. He greeted his aunt properly and respectfully. Perhaps it was even sheepishly, as when he entered the kitchen, she just started laughing at him in an amused way, instead of asking him a million questions like he thought she would.

The rest of the day, he dreaded his uncle coming back home, and at one point thought to leave. His aunt tossed the argument in his face that he should just stay since his uncle already spent half that morning ranting about Graves actually being there. She told him that his uncle got most of his anger out of his system as Graves slept on the couch, then calmed down as he tended to his leg.

She admitted that it was quite a surprise to wake up to find him lying out on their couch, but after getting over that initial shock, they were both happy to have him back.

Graves didn't have the heart to tell his aunt that he didn't plan on staying, or why he was even there. And it was strange that she never did ask him about his business as they sat together for the day. He faded in and out of sleep for most of it, but whenever he did wake, his aunt was there quietly keeping him company.

A little while later he awoke to the sound of the front door slamming and his uncle bursting into a series of curses about needing to buy their neighbors Dyne and Eleanor a gift for their newborn baby. It soon turned into a flourish of rants about the potential of babysitting and how that would mean just another mouth to feed, especially since the 'ungrateful freeloader' was back.

Graves peeled himself off the couch as he listened to his uncle yelling, and his aunt telling him to quiet down. Their voices were muffled as she pulled him further into the kitchen, but Graves could clearly understand that the conversation was fully about him now. When he was younger, arguments about him like this would cause Graves to either leave the house in a fit of rage, or to argue back, which never ended in his favor.

But now, he actually found himself smiling. In a way, he sort of missed hearing his uncle's booming voice shake through the wooden floorboards as he yelled, or the sound of the dinner plates rattling in the cabinets when things were slammed around. Even though he didn't have much of a childhood, it still reminded him of it.

Graves stood in the doorway of the kitchen, and they continued to argue about him, even when they both looked over at him and acknowledged that he was there. It lasted for a few minutes, and ended the way that Graves suspected it would. His uncle was eventually calmed down by his aunt, but still very much excitable. Any little thing could and _would _set him off.

Graves decided to behave himself for the time being, and refrained from provoking his uncle any further, despite it being amusing to watch him storm around the place. Graves even tried to help his aunt cook dinner, but the pain in his leg was worsening the more he stood on his feet.

His uncle had said that it was a deep wound, at least two or three inches, and it had to be packed with gauze to keep it clean. It was a grueling task, and any less of a man might have fallen ill to the sight. There was swelling in the area, and it hurt to put any pressure on the leg; his femur was most likely had a hairline fracture from the blunt force when he was punctured. His family tried to force him to the local doctor, but he ignored their suggestions and chose to crash on the couch for a few days.

And the few days went by slow. He felt malnourished from lack of money to buy food with any substance in Costa Del Sol, he had been dehydrated in the desert, and the strain of traveling with little sleep had worn him down. He was exhausted. Never had he slept so much and did so little of anything else. He tried to get himself to roll off the couch to begin traveling once more, but his body wouldn't allow it. It wasn't until the third day when his uncle began to yell and complain did he manage to start moving again.

His uncle had lost patience with him, and it was mostly from his silence. They had asked him about why he was there a few times, but he evaded the question with questions of his own about them. It had worked for a while, but by the fourth day, both his uncle and aunt were more than just curious. Simple inquiries turned into pestering, pestering turned into nagging, nagging quickly became demanding to know his business.

He tired of it almost instantly, and his respectful demeanor towards them soured. His evasion turned into denying and arguing until they were all bickering over dinner, and soon things began to heat up. His aunt became so upset that she left the dinner table and locked herself in the bedroom, leaving the men blaming each other for having upset her. A few insults were thrown back and forth, and Graves stood and left before things became worse.

Walking around town was a bit more difficult than he thought it would be with his leg. He wondered if removing the splints would help his mobility, but it only seemed to make the pain worse. He was now certain that it was fractured, and the more he made his way around the town, the more that he found himself limping and stopping to rest.

He searched a few shops for a decent Restore materia, but was unable to find one that was matured enough to use for a fracture. Underdeveloped materia was only able to heal superficial wounds, and the ones that could heal serious injuries were the price of a new car. Graves barely had enough money to buy himself a meal. Stealing things he needed crossed his mind, but if he were to get caught, he'd have one hell of a time outrunning anyone who followed.

He decided to spend the last of his gil on a few beers in the Mine Pub located in the heart of the town. He saw familiar faces as he passed through, and some people greeted him, while others went about their business as if he had never left town. He spotted the neighbor, Dyne, sitting off in the corner of the pub with a few beers of his own. The man spotted him and waved him over.

Graves hesitated at first, but decided to join him. He was a decent man and had always been welcoming towards him. There had been a few times, when Graves was young, that he would stay with Dyne and his wife. His uncle would spend a few nights in the coal mines, and his aunt wasn't feeling well enough to watch over him, so he would spend nights with them. He didn't mind it, as during the day he would keep himself entertained by poking about town and getting into some sort of trouble, and at night Dyne and his wife would entertain Graves with stories of his uncle from before Graves was born.

They had even known Graves' real parents before his father was killed in a mining accident, and his mother took her own life from depression shortly after. Graves was only two at the time. Dyne had said that his uncle was so distraught over his sister committing suicide, that he couldn't even look at Graves for months afterwards, as Graves sadly reminded him of her. It was Dyne and his wife that managed to convince his uncle to accept her death and to accept Graves into their family.

Graves was comfortable enough with Dyne to speak with him casually. He wasn't sure how _confidential _the conversation would be, but it would really stick it to his uncle to hear his business from someone else, if Dyne were to pass the information along.

"Barret said you were back in town, but I figured he had been huffing too many mako fumes to be right."

Graves smirked as he sat slowly, trying to mask the pain he felt as he moved. "Heard ya didn't approve of that mako reactor."

"Heard you deserted Shin-Ra."

"Might've. Did Uncle tell you that?"

Dyne took a sip of his beer, nodding. "He mentioned that you were back, and that you were being more secretive than usual, among other things."

"Other things? Like lazy? Ungrateful?"

"He actually said _tired_ and _less confrontational_."

"Oh," Graves said thoughtfully.

"And then he called you lazy and ungrateful."

"Ah," Graves said flatly.

"Why'd you desert?"

He gave a nod to a waitress as she came and served his beer he ordered and then took one of Dyne's empty glasses. "Never said that I did."

"Then what're you doing here?"

"Revenge."

Dyne smirked and leaned back in his chair. "You sure get right to the point."

"A man's gotta have a point," Graves said.  
"And I take it that you have a very good point for doing what you're doing."

There was a long and savored sip taken from his beer before he spoke. "Ain't revenge good enough?"

Dyne paused, letting a few moments to pass by. "I suppose if done for a good cause, it can be honorable," he said slowly. "If done for a bad cause, it's just stupid."

"Revenge is revenge no matter what the cause or effect."

"They teach you that in Shin-Ra?" Dyne said, and he smirked into his mug before taking another long sip.

"Life taught me that, man," Graves said confidently, almost arrogantly.

"Revenge will lead you to an unsatisfying stalemate. After it's over, you'll have no point. You'll just find that you'll be searching for another _point _with more meaning. And it'll be hard to find."

Graves frowned and chugged the rest of his drink. "You jus' ain't found a cause for revenge. You'll see it my way when ya have a good 'nough reason. Motive, you know."

"I'll take your word for it. So, who're you getting revenge on?"

"Just some fuck from Shin-Ra." Graved shrugged, feeling no point in elaborating on such a worthless man.

"He steal your girl or something?"

Graves laughed and signaled to the bartender for one more drink. It would be his last one, as he was now broke. He would have to see if there were any odd jobs around town that could earn him some extra gil – and fast. "Naw, he killed my friend."

"Best friend?"

"Yeah."

"Where's he headed?"

"No clue. I followed 'im in this direction, but lost his trail when I entered the desert," Graves said, shrugging again.

"You know, Corel doesn't get many visitors. The only strange faces we've been getting is Shin-Ra bringing in engineers and construction workers to build that reactor. But even now, we've seen them so much that they're no longer strange faces to us."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning even stranger faces are much more memorable," Dyne said.

Graves scoffed and folded his arms over his chest. "You need to take a lesson from me and get to the damn point."

"A day before you got here, I saw a tough-looking fellow wandering the streets. Looked like he got into one hell of a fight recently."

Graves waited for Dyne to continue. The waitress brought over his beer, but he decided to let it sit until after Dyne was done speaking.

"The only reason why I found him strange was his eyes. They had the mark of SOLDIER. That your guy?"

"Guy with tan skin an' brown hair?"

"Yep."

"Shit, I think so. Do ya know if he's still around?"

Dyne frowned in thought, crossing his arms over his broad chest. "No, he was buying medical supplies in the shops when I went there to get diapers for our baby girl."

"Congrats."

"Thanks." Dyne finished off the rest of his beer and pushed the mug away. He was looking as if he drank enough and was having a nice buzz – something Graves wished he had enough money to have for himself. "I overheard him asking directions to Nibelheim."

_Nibelheim …? Why the hell is that fool goin' there?_

"So, if that's your guy, you have a bit of traveling ahead of you. That'll at least take three days by vehicle. You have to go all away around the mountains."

"I know, I know."

"Where're you gonna get a vehicle? You look like you can barely afford those beers."

Graves frowned and shoved his hands into his jeans, fishing out a wad of gil. He stared down at it for a few moments, adding it all up. "Yeah, 'bout that …"

"I got you covered, no worries."

"Thanks." He smiled sheepishly as the gil was returned to his pocket. "I dunno yet. I haven't really thought it through."

"Have you ever?"

"Can't say that I have."

"Look, I can't help you with a vehicle, and I certainly can't help you get your revenge. But if Barret starts in on you, you're welcome to crash at my place for a few nights until your leg is better. So long as you don't mind a baby crying at three in the morning."

"Thanks, but I think I'll be leavin' tonight."

"You're really serious about this, aren't you?" Dyne watched as Graves lifted his eyebrows as if agreeing while he took an extra long sip of his drink. "At least let your aunt know that you're leaving again. She seemed happy to have you back. Her health isn't so good anymore, you know. This will just worry her even more."

"Yeah," Graves said slowly. "I'll do that."

A good few hours rolled by, and they both walked back to their houses together. Graves could hear the baby crying inside the man's house, and quickly refused the invitation to come in and babysit, even if it was a joke. It was late now, and he could see that all the lights but the bedroom light was turned off in his uncle's house, so he slipped in as quietly as he could. He could hear his uncle talking with his aunt about him. She seemed partial on Graves staying, but his uncle was more than voicing his opinion about him being there.

But he was not only in too much pain to leave, he was also horribly unprepared.

* * *

It had been a few days since Zack saw Cloud, and he was beginning to think that Cloud was avoiding him. After their conversation about nicknames, the blond seemed to be ashamed of having admitted to disliking the name. It was hard for Zack to pretend as if it was no big deal, and he knew that Cloud could pick up on this. He tried to convince Cloud and himself that it wasn't upsetting or disheartening, but by the way Cloud avoided eye contact with him as he left that night, he could tell that Cloud was feeling guilty for ever having brought it up.

He tried to find him in the barracks or the chow hall, but Cloud was nowhere to be found with the rest of his unit, so Zack could only assume that the boy was still on light-duty. When he stopped by the psychologist's office to turn in his weekly report on Cloud's behavior, he saw him sitting at the front desk in the office working. He was shocked to see him there, and even more shocked seeing that Cloud had a good routine going on behind the desk. He must have been working in the office for quite some time now, and he could only imagine how uncomfortable Cloud was being there at first.

Zack was then faced with the dilemma of turning in his report. He paced about the halls for a little while, cursing to himself and trying to think of ways to go about doing it casually. Anything he thought of ended up with Cloud demanding to know why he was filling out reports on his behavior to the psychologist. It wouldn't end well, and would certainly sever any sort of trust that Cloud had with him.

He must have been pacing the halls for longer than he thought, as the lights shut off and the door opened, releasing the employees into the halls for the end of the day. He hid around a corner and watched as Cloud walked off ahead of everyone else with body language that was screaming that he had a bad day. He was now torn between turning in the damn report or following him to be able to spend time with him.

The elevator dinged and Cloud entered. Zack swung around the corner as fast as he could and practically stumbled into the door to the office. He cursed a few more times when he realized that it was locked and if he were to just shove the report beneath the door, there would be a chance that Cloud would see it in the morning. He tried the doorknob, and shook his head when it was locked. He glanced over his shoulder to the numbers on the elevator and watched them light up at each floor it stopped on. Zack was determined to see Cloud today.

The report was haphazardly stuffed beneath the door, be damned the consequences if Cloud were to see the next day. Hopefully he would be able to talk Cloud out of being livid with him with a smile and a few sweet words.

Zack scrambled over to the elevator and watched the numbers for a few moments. He really had no idea where Cloud was headed, but it was most likely only one of two places.

The door to the staircase was opened roughly, hitting the wall with a loud slam. The sound drowned out Zack's footsteps as he began to run up nine flights of stairs in a frantic attempt to get to the chow hall before Cloud possibly did. He hoped that was where he was headed, at least.

He burst through the door nine floors later, scaring several people with his violent entrance as they waited for the elevator to arrive. He was panting – not from physical exertion from running up the stairs, but from his own anxiety and excitement over seeing Cloud. He wanted nothing more than to see him, even if it was only for a few hours out of this entire week. He hadn't been called for any duty for the past two days, and he was getting rather bored by himself. And even though he still had the Turks monitoring him, he wanted – needed – to get out of the building, and especially with the blond.

There was a familiar ding of the bell and Zack straightened out his uniform in wait for the door to open, ignoring the strange looks he was getting from the other people waiting. He blew the long strand of hair out of his eyes and shifted about on his feet. He tried to play it cool and he tried to come up with some sort of casual greeting he could say to Cloud to make it not seem as if he had been acting like a lovesick puppy for the past few days. Constantly thinking and worrying, emotions fleeting from admiration to pride, to elation and even lust … it all flooded and overwhelmed him. It was a great feeling.

And it was now rushing over him once more as he was staring right into Cloud's expressive face. He had taken not two steps out of the elevator and stopped when he spotted Zack standing in wait for him. Those soft eyebrows on his face raised in a subtle yet definite show of curiosity, and those even softer lips parted into a smile, but was unable to utter anything but a surprised chuckle.

"Hey, look who it is! I was just on my way out of the chow hall to go get some real food. Care to join me?"

Cloud stepped aside to let the other passengers exit, and Zack stepped with him. "Why not just get something in there?"

"Well, I was in there for a while," he said, trying to hide a smirk, "and the lines were so long so I thought I'd go out instead. Besides, I think they burnt the beef stew."

Cloud's eyes darted to the side as the double doors opened to the chow hall, and he frowned when he saw the lines. "Looks like the usual amount of crowd to me."

"Maybe I just wanted an excuse to take you out on another date," Zack said, moving in front of him to block his view. "But seriously, you don't smell the burnt food?"

"I never said I didn't," Cloud said with a small grin. "Although, it always smells like that."

"Then, shall we?" Zack walked to the empty elevator and held the door as Cloud entered, looking just as pleased and overwhelmed as Zack was.

Zack took Cloud to a small restaurant that was known for specializing in authentic Gongagan food. It was one of the best that Zack knew of that was remotely anything like what he grew up with. It had taken him quite a while to find the place, and he had started the moment that he made it to Midgar. He was homesick at the time, and felt that there was nothing better that could cure him of it but tasting that food again. It was a long and grueling search to find a place that was close enough to how home tasted, but he eventually came across this small place tucked away in Sector 2.

Gongagans were known for living off the local fruits and vegetables, and had a reputation for their vast amounts of techniques used to prepare their food. Barbequing, charbroiling, braising, deep frying, stewing – any way the food could be cooked, it was. And the food was flavorful, rich with special seasonings. It was spicy and earthy, enhanced with the aromatic vegetables that they used in almost every dish. Mixed with the meats and seafood, it made for a very unique taste, and Cloud seemed to enjoy it.

What he seemed to enjoy most was the conversation between them and the time they shared together. Cloud seemed to talk more and he seemed to smile more. Things that would normally embarrass him as they talked only slightly embarrassed him this time. And jokes that he would chuckle at, finally made him laugh.

There was a brightness in his eyes that Zack had forgotten about, and he found that he couldn't stop staring right into them. He tried to avoid doing so at first, as Cloud shifted around as if uncomfortable and was unable to hold eye contact. But after they ate and sat in the restaurant for a while, their gaze eventually became locked. With each smile and each laugh, those light blue eyes grew brighter. Zack enjoyed each moment.

They were eventually forced to leave as they had not realized that they were talking for as long as they really were. The other patrons filed out one by one, and the lights soon were shut off in the same fashion.

Zack called a cab to come pick them up, as it was quite a walk back to the building from Sector 2. After about ten minutes in the cab, they had to bail out before Cloud became sick. They made it close enough, and they enjoyed the rest of their walk home together. It was late, and the streets were lacking of pedestrians, so they held hands on the way. Zack was surprised to feel that Cloud didn't try to tug his hand away, and even curled his fingers through Zack's tightly with a shy smile.

The mood back in his apartment was relaxed, and he learned that Cloud had liberty the next day. Zack could only hope that he wouldn't be called up for duty, and then maybe he could take him out again.

Zack was already getting into his freezer for dessert. He pulled out a tub of chocolate ice cream with brownie bits and swirled with even more chocolate. It turned Cloud's stomach simply looking at it, but Zack scooped an impressive-sized mound into a bowl and ate it happily. Cloud opted for coffee instead.

"You're not used to spicy foods, are you?" Zack broke up a large chunk of brownie in his ice cream and ate it. He smiled as he twisted back and forth on one of his barstools; he almost looked like a child.

Cloud returned the smile with a shrug. "Not really. My mom never really cooked spicy stuff when I was growing up. And the spiciest thing we serve here is the pepperoni on the pizza."

Zack chuckled, slurping at some of the melted ice cream on his spoon. "You looked like you were working up a sweat while eating that chicken."

"It was hot!" Cloud said, frowning at him. He looked offended, or maybe even embarrassed. While Zack was eating his meal without even taking a sip of his drink, Cloud had been taking a bite, then sipping his water in sequence. He even had dabbed at his brow a few times during.

"It wasn't that bad, was it?"

"A little bit, but it was good."

Zack smiled and stood to dump his bowl into the sink. He started to walk to Cloud, but saw his eyes glance over to the sink. "Okay, okay. I'll wash them first."

"I didn't say anything!"

He began to wash the dishes, unable to hide the large grin at Cloud's defensiveness. "I couldn't leave them there for five minutes while I hugged you?"

"You were planning a five-minute hug?" Cloud lifted an eyebrow at him.

"Or longer," Zack said casually.

Cloud thought about this for a moment, analyzing the phrase literally, most likely for sake of conversation. "Could you really hug a person for that long? Wouldn't your arms and legs start to fall asleep or something?"

"I could hug you forever."

Cloud rolled his eyes. "I shouldn't have asked."

Zack shut the water off and patted his hands dry with his trousers instead of the dish towel hanging on the refrigerator not two steps away. "Then why did you?" He approached him, smiling a bit wolfishly. "You just wanted to provoke me, didn't you?"

Cloud stammered quietly at first, shrugging. "Maybe," he finally said.

"Challenging me to see if I could do it?" Zack slid his hands onto Cloud's hips, giving him a light tug closer.

Cloud went willingly, despite averting Zack's gaze. He closed his eyes as Zack wrapped his arms around him and pulled him against his chest. He felt Zack's hand sift through his hair before urging his head down into the crook of his neck.

They stood silently for a few minutes, rocking together to the sound of their breathing and soft sighs of content. When their arms became tired, they simply moved them to another position instead of pulling away from the embrace entirely. Five minutes went faster and easier than they thought.

And during those five minutes, Cloud was coaxed to finally look up to meet Zack's eyes. Quiet murmurs were exchanged before they leaned into each other and finally kissed. They continued through smiles at first, mixed with a few words about how they enjoyed their dinner together. It was brief, and their lips only parted enough to allow themselves to speak, until they resumed kissing again.

A melded flavor erupted against their taste buds when their tongues met. It was rich with the flavors of coffee and chocolate. It enticed them to want to taste more; it enticed them to kiss more.

Their fingers skimmed through hair and down their warm necks to cup each other's face. Their legs moved in unison towards the bedroom when their kissing increased in speed and their minds cleared. They both sat together on the bed when they sensed it was near, and their shirts were eagerly tossed aside.

Zack broke the kiss with a surprised whimper as he was forced to lie back when Cloud crawled on top of him. "You sure you want to do this?"

Cloud looked down at him, breathing heavy. "Why not?"  
"Well, you know … because of what happened," Zack said, fidgeting beneath him as he could feel their erections pressed together. It was an attempt to separate them, but ended up being more of a rub and just caused them to both moan in pleasure.

"That was two months ago." Cloud dipped his head back down and continued to kiss him.

Zack tried not to frown between the heated kisses. Cloud was referring to the first incident, and he began to wonder if he was at all acknowledging the second incident in his mind or not. "That's not a long time to get over that sort of thing, Cloud."

"Everyone gets over things differently," Cloud murmured, trailing kisses down Zack's neck and to his bare chest. He seemed to pause at his nipples and tentatively flicked his tongue against one, as if unsure that it would feel good for him.

"Yeah, but–" Zack groaned, his head leaning back as Cloud lightly sucked on the nub and released it with a soft hum. "D-doing stuff like this … it's not gonna–"

Cloud moved down his chest to his stomach as his hands fiddled with the button and zipper on Zack's pants. They were opened with a determined ease and tugged down in the same fashion.

Zack lifted his hips, groaning once more as his pants were discarded and Cloud's body heat flowed over him. "Stop ignoring me."

"Stop talking."

Zack tried to glare at him but his eyebrows refused to furrow. Instead, they arched as Cloud's warm hand wrapped around his member and the boy's mouth quickly followed. "W-wait, let me do that for you."

Cloud only hushed him in a surprisingly sultry way and it did nothing to aid Zack in his losing fight. A kiss was placed against the head of Zack's member as a symbol of his defeat.

"You don't have to do this for me, please. I can just take care of you for tonight."

His pleas went ignored again as Cloud's mouth slowly descended on him. It had been a few weeks since the last time they were like this, and all the familiar guilt came back with all the familiar pleasure. But the moment Cloud's soft moan hit his ears, the guilt was much easier to forget this time around.

He watched as Cloud moved along with his eyes closed. He looked as if he had a slight blush on his face from what Zack could see in the moonlight and between his own eyes that he was trying to keep open. He smoothed his hand across Cloud's face, brushing the hair from his eyes so he could get a better look. He seemed surprisingly relaxed, even like he was enjoying what he was doing. The more that Zack touched him and responded with groans, the more Cloud seemed like he was getting into it.

His eyes finally closed, unable to keep them open any longer, despite the sight between his legs. His head slumped to the side as he continued to stroke Cloud's head, his fingertips scratching lazily across his scalp. He was lost in the feeling of the moist heat and he was lost in the small vibrations coursing through him as Cloud moaned.

Zack wanted to whisper Cloud's name but stopped himself, not wanting to disrupt the noises he was making. Instead, he gasped loudly as Cloud released him from his mouth and began to run his tongue below his member and then up it. And again, Cloud did this, being fueled by Zack's reactions to the sensation. It was all becoming too much, much too fast.

"C'mere, baby," Zack choked out, cupping Cloud's face in his hands. He motioned for Cloud to shift his body alongside his. "Lie this way."

Cloud stopped licking him, his eyes wide out of curiosity. "But … I'm doing this for you."

"Just do it," he whispered between thick breaths. "We can do it together."

Cloud nodded silently and started to lie beside him on his back. "Like this?"

"No." Zack chuckled, shaking his head. "Turn the other way."

"I … I'm not f-following."

"Here." Zack sat up and tugged Cloud's trousers down. He tossed them beside his own on the floor and then pulled Cloud onto his side. Cloud looked a bit frightened suddenly. "We face the opposite way so we can do it for each other at the same time. Like this …" He faced the other way on the bed and grabbed Cloud's hips, pulling them towards him.

"This is kinda weird …" Cloud whispered, his warm breath inches from Zack's erection.

"It is at first, but I like it like this," Zack said, then placed several kisses against Cloud's tip. It caused the boy to hiss in pleasure. "If you get uncomfortable, just say so."

Cloud went to speak again, but when Zack took him into his mouth, nothing but a small squeak escaped his lips. His body was tense at first, but as Zack continued sucking him, he soon relaxed against him, perhaps even leaning into him.

"Good, baby?" Zack kissed him a few times as his palm rolled about his hip, urging him to relax more. Cloud just stammered words that he couldn't quite understand, but then quieted as he took him back into his mouth. Zack stammered incoherently himself.

They were quiet at first, with only the sound of their hands brushing over skin and the sound of their breathing between them. Occasionally, one would let out a soft moan that would cause the other to respond in the same way. One would give the other a squeeze on the hip or thigh, and the other would do the same.

Zack slid his hand from Cloud's hip around to his bottom, circling his hand on the cheek firmly. He heard himself growl as his fingers curled between the warm skin, bringing Cloud even further into his mouth.

Cloud suddenly whimpered and stopped his movement along Zack's member. "Z-Zack, not there. Not that far."

Zack pulled away, speaking softly. "I know, baby, I know. My hand won't go any further, I promise. Just trust me, okay?"

Cloud only hummed a response as he sank his mouth back down onto him. He began to buck his hips against him lightly, as if restraining himself from moving at all. After a few minutes, he no longer seemed to mind Zack's hands where they were, and he even moaned louder when his fingers skimmed a little bit deeper between his cheeks.

Zack heard his name being uttered between increasing sounds of pleasure. It was repeated again – stronger, frantic. Cloud's grip on Zack's body increased as well, and any restraint slipped into the moment.

"Z-Zack … I–"

A rolling growl came from Zack's throat as Cloud suddenly lost his words and he cried out. Muscles tensed and limbs locked … the flavor of coffee and chocolate now overshadowed by the taste of passion. He tried to savor it, but the more that he tasted, the more he could no longer hang on. He pulled away after Cloud was done, and he sucked in a thick breath. "Cloud, careful!" he said, his voice wavering. "I'm gonna …"

Cloud's moaning was muffled as he slipped Zack back into his mouth with that warning. A few quick bobs of his head and his own sated sounds quickly pushed Zack over. His stomach muscles constricted; his eyes squeezed shut. A stifled yell flowed from him as he finally released himself with a shudder. He clutched at Cloud's body tightly, trying to find some sort of balance through the pleasure.

They rested against each other for a few moments, both still gripping the other and both still panting. Their body heat began to lower and was soon cooled between them. Damp skin became dry, yet hair remained matted against their faces.

Zack finally opened his eyes, one hand loosening from around Cloud's softening member, the other pulling away from his bottom slowly. Cloud began to fidget, but Zack stopped him. "H-hang on, baby," he murmured. "You're a little messy. Don't move." He dipped his head back down to lick Cloud clean, purring as he did so. He held him in place, even when the boy flinched and began laughing at the sensation in the aftermath.

"Shit … Zack. S-stop," he said between his laughing. "That tickles."

Zack grinned and ignored him, continuing his teasing until he was practically bucking and begging for him to stop. He finally released him and helped him roll onto his back. "It's tempting to tickle you more."

Cloud smiled at him a bit lazily, but said nothing. He was flushed, and Zack couldn't tell if that was from his orgasm or out of embarrassment. But when he slung an arm over his eyes and turned away, Zack figured it was the latter.

He watched Cloud for a few minutes, his hand stroking the boy's heaving stomach, reveling in the continued moans he was making after everything. They were small and barely audible, but Zack managed to hear them and enjoy them. But they soon tapered off when his arm began to slip from his face, and Zack realized Cloud was falling asleep. "You gonna sleep here tonight?"

Cloud nuzzled into the pillow, his eyes already closed and his breathing drifting slowly. "Liberty tomorrow …"

"That's right, I'm excited. We can do something nice together." Zack gave his stomach a pat, smiling down at him. He continued to watch him, chuckling quietly when he realized that Cloud wasn't about to move to dress himself. "You gonna sleep here _naked _tonight?"

Cloud only grunted a response, shivering slightly as Zack draped the comforter over his nude body.

"Don't blame me when you're embarrassed about it in the morning," Zack said quietly as he crawled beneath the blanket next to him. He pulled Cloud into his arms and fought the sleep that tugged at his senses. He wanted to hug Cloud for longer this time.

* * *

There had been an annoying noise, which at first Zack couldn't figure out what it was. His hand pawed at his alarm a few times, but he realized slowly that he hadn't set it the night before. It took him a while to figure out that it was his cell phone.

He didn't want to leave the comfort of the bed. It wasn't the blankets or even the air in the room that warmed his body. It was the milky skin lying against his, it was the legs intertwined with his that slowly caressed and soothed. Soft sighing, his tousled hair … even the way that Cloud whimpered in disapproval as Zack moved, it all enveloped him in warmth.

But he pulled away and watched as Cloud compensated with the loss by balling up the comforter and tossing his legs and arms over it. He seemed angry at first, but once Zack placed a soft kiss to his forehead and murmured into his ear a few little nothingnesses, he relaxed.

Zack didn't recognize the number on his phone, and for a moment he frowned and contemplated actually answering it. But it began to ring again, and worry quickly took over.

It was the psychologist.

Her voice was calm, yet worried as she asked Zack if he knew where Cloud was. She explained that he was an hour late to his duties in her office.

_I thought he had liberty today …_

He apologized to her and explained that he was asleep on his couch – even though she probably knew better – and that he would wake him immediately. He frowned down at the boy for a bit, but slipped back onto the bed. The blanket was pulled from his body, and he began to wake him.

Cloud wanted nothing to do with him at that moment and he begrudgingly flopped over, waving Zack away. So Zack tried again, placing kisses onto his shoulder and down his upper arm.

He wasn't sure how to bring this up to him. Cloud was surely going to be embarrassed and upset if he found out that Zack knew he was working in the psychologist's office. "Cloud, wake up. You're running late."

There was no actual response, just light breathing and a tiny mumble.

"You're an hour late to your appointment," Zack said gently, giving him a slight shake on his shoulder. Cloud only just curled into himself. "I'm not joking, babe!" He leaned into him, watching as Cloud's eyes squeezed tight in annoyance. "You're late." He shook him again.

Cloud eventually opened his eyes and looked about, disorientated. "What? Late?" He sat up, kicking his legs as if the blanket was on him, but that was piled up on the side.

"Yeah, Dr. Arolin called for you on my phone right now. She said you were supposed to be in her office an hour ago."

"But … today's Sunday. It's closed."

"It's Saturday."

Cloud just looked dubious, blinking slowly. His hair was wild and going every which way, as were his eyes still. "Saturday …?"

"Yes."

"Saturday? Shit!" He scrambled up, wincing a little. "I'm late!"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you!" Zack couldn't help but laugh.

Cloud shouted a very long and frantic string of curses as he haphazardly threw on his uniform. Zack didn't want to stop him and tell him that he put his boxers on backwards. "A whole hour late! I'm gonna be killed!"

"It's probably not that bad, slow down!"

He hopped into his pants and nearly zipped himself up in the fly, which Zack had to look away for in fear. "No, you don't understand! It _is _that bad! I can't be late there!"

"Cloud, c'mon."

"I'm sorry, I gotta go!" He stumbled out the room as he pulled his muffler over his head and settled it down around his neck. His fingers combed through his hair as best as he could, for not having a brush or mirror, and his boots were shoved onto his feet without even bothering to tie them.

"Cloud, wait!"

The door was slammed behind him faster than Zack could even comprehend, and the noise rattled the walls and windows in his kitchen.

He sighed to himself and locked the door behind him. The realization that they really didn't have the day off together hit him, and he had a sinking feeling in his chest. He was really hoping to spend the day with him, or at least, a few good hours.

His eyes went down to where he kept his shoes, noticing a pair of brown straps on the ground. In Cloud's haste, he forgot to put on his blousing straps, and would surely get him yelled at if a SOLDIER operative was to notice they were missing.

Zack picked them up and went to head back to his room to dress so he could bring the straps to Cloud, but stopped when the doorknob was turned a few times. He heard Cloud cursing again from behind the door. Zack chuckled to himself and unlocked it. He smiled at the blond, who was more than flustered, and he simply held the blousing straps out to him.

"Forget something?"

Cloud rushed into his arms and lifted on his feet just enough to graze his lips against Zack's in a clumsy, but sweet kiss. "I'll come back later tonight," he muttered with a smile, and then left.

Zack stood in a pleased shock, staring at the closed door with the blousing straps still in his hand.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-Seven: Hospitality.

Author's Note (it's gonna be long … and with more fan-art at the end!): 69in' FTW! Nothing hotter than Clack curled up against each other suckin' each other off, amirite? 8D

If you don't know who Dyne is, he is Barret's friend in the original Final Fantasy VII game. He is his neighbor and Marlene's biological father. He has a wife named Eleanor, as stated in the original game. Dyne was against the building of the mako reactor in Corel, but was eventually persuaded by the town's people – mostly Barret – to approve of it. In the original game, he plays a minor role in the main story line, and you learn that he is after Barret for revenge for everything that happened in Corel (Scarlet orders the annihilation of the whole town, thus killing Barret's wife and Dyne's wife). Long story short, the conversation between Graves and Dyne about revenge was meant to be ironic, given that Dyne eventually snaps and tries to kill Barret in a fit of rage. Hilarious to kill him though. If you steal a certain item off a Bomb, it can instantly kill him if thrown at him if you're feeling lazy during the boss fight. ;D

Blousing straps are the straps that military uniforms have down at the bottom of their trousers that wrap around their shins and ankles. It gives the appearance of having their trousers tucked into their boots and has other various purposes. Cloud wears them on his Crisis Core uniform as well as his Kingdom Hearts outfit too. But for some reason SOLDIER do not wear them. :D

And I've mentioned it a few times, but I think I forgot to explain. Mufflers are the green scarves that the infantrymen wear around their necks on their uniforms. :3

Guess what? You guessed it! More fan-art for Malady! And more reasons to call me spoiled, I suppose. XD Seems to be what people are calling me lately. Lol Anyway! Here we go!:

Dante Tomochan drew a hilarious and adorable collage of Malady things, including his take on Angels Mejia and his take on how he would KILL Angels Mejia if he had the chance! Hehehe! He also drew another little gift for me that has Clack smooching! So sweet! Here!:

http: / yami-dante. deviantart. com/ art/ For-Ziggy-Pasta-170956726

http: / yami-dante. deviantart. com/ art/ Sweet-Smooch-171111420

Thank you so much, Dante! *glomp!* We'll punish bad Kitty Cloud together! Bwahahaha!

And, and, aaannnddd! Djali has drawn some very adorable sketches for future fan-art works of Malady, one of which is done already, and done in BEAUTIFUL watercolor! Here are the sketches first...and look! Ratcliff! Cloud hugging Ratcliff! AND KUNSEL TOO!:

http: / kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Sketches-170553146

And here is the watercolor! Does the scene look familiar? Still should be very fresh in your minds! Does 'sap' ring a bell?

http: / kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Labels-171047041

Thank you, Djali! W Your take on the sap scene fits so perfectly, and you know how much I love Zack's expression in these! *smooch!*

AND I LOVE SOYNA SO MUCH GUYS. JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW. She was so incredibly sweet and thoughtful and commissioned artist VictoriaValentine on deviantART to paint a beautiful watercolor of Angeal, Zack and Cloud for me! Just today I received a mysterious package in the mail, and she had sent the original print as a gift! How she got my address, I'll never know...*gives sideways glance to a certain someone* Check out the painting! It's so beautiful! (I LOVE ANGEAL, KTHNXBAI)

http: / victoriavalentine. deviantart. com/ art/ Angeal-Cloud-Zack-168161101

Soyna is the author of the juicy, yet oh-so-fun-and-frustrating FFVII fan-fic "Tease"! I know you've heard of that story. It's a Clack fic, but also has other yummy pairings in it as well! She also has other amazing one-shots and is the author of the hilarious and popular "FF7 Texts from Last Night" drabbles, which are based off the website "Texts from Last Night". She takes amusing texts that people send in and twists them to the FFVII world! Something for everyone in those drabbles, and each and every one is unique, enjoyable and extremely funny. Thank you so much, Soy-Soy! ; w ; Imma find a place and hang it on my bare, bare walls!

I'm shutting up now. Thank you all for reading and reviewing! OH! And a VERY INCREDIBLE SPECIAL THANKS TO TERRENCEG9. YOU KNOW WHY. :3 Come back on Tuesday, July 27th! Byeeeee! *happy flail*


	37. Chapter ThirtySeven Hospitality

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Hospitality

* * *

He decided to slip out in the early morning. He had forgotten that this was considered morning, as any other night after drinking, it would be around the time he would be going to sleep. But four a.m. came by faster than he expected, and he was thankful that he at least sobered up a bit after napping on the couch for a few hours.

Usually around this time, his aunt would still be asleep and his uncle would be getting up to head to the mines. His uncle he could deal with, but it was his aunt that he didn't want to see him leave. It would probably upset her, and he would feel more inclined to stay for a few days, which were days he felt as if he didn't have for his hunt. So he put together what provisions he needed in his seabag, and he left.

The south exit to the town was but a short walk, and he could already see the signs warning the travelers of the dangers of the desert ahead. He never actually bothered to read those things, and to this day had no idea what they said exactly. Most of the paint on the signage was weathered anyway and ignored. No one in town seemed to bother to repaint them. If a traveler managed to make it to the town alive, then they were more than aware of what lie ahead if they were to leave again. They would have no use to know what they said.

He heard a low rumbling behind him in the dead of the early morning, and he turned to see a pair of headlights coming his way. He stepped off the dirt road and closer to some buildings to allow the truck to pass. He turned when it instead slowed beside him.

"'Ey, dumbass."

"Mornin', Uncle," Graves said over his shoulder as he continued to walk.

The truck rolled slowly, the engine puttering in idle as it crept along. "Off to get your revenge?"

Graves scoffed. He really didn't expect much from Dyne. Of course he was going to leak his information. He knew that the moment he sat down with the man for a few drinks. Whatever he had said to the man he knew would eventually make it back to his uncle, and most likely his aunt. "Yep. Gonna be a good one too. Wanna come along?"

"Ya fuckin' idiot."

"Love ya too, Uncle," he said lightheartedly, if not just a little sarcastically.

"How the hell ya gonna get to Nibelheim on foot? Especially with that busted leg."

"My legs still work, don't they? I'm walkin', ain't I? Use yer head."

"Ungrateful," his uncle said with a scoff.

"Yeah, yeah, spare me. Thought ya'd be happy that I was outta yer hair." He began to pick up the pace, but it was slower than he intended as a shooting pain tore through his thigh. His uncle didn't even have to press on the gas to keep up with him.

"I am! Just leavin' ya with a farewell gift to hurry things along."

Graves stopped walking and turned, peering through the darkness to make out his uncle's sharp features in the dim light of the dashboard. "Yeah?"

"I don't need this damn truck no more. Your aunt's been tryin' to get me to sell it, but I ain't found anyone with a good 'nough offer yet." He put the truck in park and got out, not even bothering to shut the engine off or to shut the door.

"I ain't got nuffin' to offer, Uncle," Graves said with a casual shrug.

"Course not, you're nuffin' but a freeloader." He tossed the keys at Graves and smirked when he caught them without missing a beat. "Freeloaders ain't got shit to offer."

Graves walked around the back of the truck and approached his uncle with a smirk he was unable to hide. His uncle returned it and they quickly embraced, patting each other on the back roughly. "Thanks, Uncle."

"There's some grub your aunt cooked for ya in the cab and a map, and extra fuel tanks in the bed. Should be 'nough for ya to get to where you're headed."

They pulled away and his uncle stepped aside to allow Graves to enter the truck. It smelled of his aunt's cooking, and he couldn't help but feel a small pang of guilt for having left without saying goodbye to her again.

"Hey, Uncle, listen …"

"Yeah, yeah," his uncle said, waving his hand about to dismiss him. "Jus' leave. I ain't got time for your sob stories." He slapped the hood of the truck, looking away for a moment. "Jus' remember that there's enough food and fuel to get ya there, but after that, you're on your own."

"Got it."

"And … jus' remember that your aunt and I won't mind if ya wanna come back and be a freeloader again when you're done."

"Thanks," Graves said earnestly. They paused for a moment, and eventually made brief eye contact, but that was it. There was no long goodbye, no tears – nothing. His uncle just simply turned and headed back towards the direction of his home.

Graves released the parking break on the old truck and already dipped his hand into the bag of food to pull out a fresh roll of bread. There was a few large jugs of water, fruits and nuts, containers full of big meals, even a pillow tucked away on the other side of the bench seat. His hand even sought out a pack of cigarettes in the bag, even though his aunt heavily disapproved of his smoking.

He refrained from lighting up a cigarette just yet, and he refrained from glancing back at the town in the rear view mirror. He just fixed his eyes ahead in the path towards Nibelheim.

* * *

Endless, bleak terrain had passed by, pathetic little shrubs and sand blurring all around. The heat of the desert disappeared hour by hour, mile by mile as the sun set, and then rose again. Sand turned to dirt, dirt turned into lush plains with cool breezes. Mountains began to roll past the windows and even strong winds whistled through the rickety doors in the truck, killing the already weak radio signal Graves managed to pick up in hopes of some music.

Pine trees began to spot the mountains, but the further along he drove into them, more and more began flooding his surroundings. What was a faded path in the plains now became a definite dirt road leading up towards the town, winding between the trees. Everything was so vibrant, more than anything Graves had seen before. Midgar, Costa del Sol, even Kalm had little to no plant life, and to be around this much now was almost breathtaking for him.

Soon, a looming structure peaked over the horizon atop Mount Nibel, and it was an ominous sight. Browned and dead trees littered around, withering as familiar green fumes billowed out and poisoned all life near it. He could smell the mako mixing with the mountain breeze and it turned his stomach, taking any sort of pleasure away from the rest of the beautiful surroundings. He managed to peel his eyes away from the reactor as the town came into view.

Graves finally pulled over to the side next to a building, right before the town entrance archway. He looked up at it as he exited the truck, noting the lack of a town name on the arch. It was chilling in a strange way, which made him wonder if he really had the right town to begin with. But once he entered and spotted the infamous Shin-Ra mansion in the distance through the morning fog, he knew he was in the right place.

The town was sleepy. There were a few people wandering about between the houses and the shops, but the mood was calm and almost serene. The loudest noise by far was the rustling of the leaves in the trees and his own footsteps crunching along the rocks in the dirt path. The town was also very small and it only took him a few minutes to walk – limp – through it. There were several paths that led down to other clusters of houses and shops, and one that led to the mansion and Mount Nibel. He passed through those, peeking between houses and inside windows for any signs of Mejia.

But there were none. Only the charming houses with the mountain air … only calm people with calm expressions were around him. He decided to check at the inn towards the entrance, but the innkeeper confirmed what he was not wanting to hear. Mejia wasn't there either.

No shop, small business or restaurant went ignored in his search, and by afternoon he was faced with the possibility of the man being holed up in a private residence, or not there in the town entirely. He even had entered the mansion warily, but through a search on both floors, he found nothing but empty rooms and silence. So he left.

He entered a small shop filled with goods and sundries, looking for something to eat that wasn't his aunt's cooking. He could only eat it for so long before he started to feel unhealthy; it was greasy most of the time and that was how his uncle liked it. He finally decided on some snacks, but it wouldn't be enough to sate his hunger. And he didn't even have enough money. So he spent the next few minutes trying to haggle down the price, but it was fruitless. No matter how calm and nice the people seemed, they were also stubborn, he learned.

"Are you hungry?"

Graves looked behind him to a woman with a small basket of groceries. She smiled at him sweetly. "Course I am. I always am. 'Cept this fella won't help out and gimme a little discount." He motioned to the shopkeeper who only shrugged as a response.

"I can help pay for what you need."

"Naw, it's cool, ma'am. I couldn't take yer money."

She paused for a moment as Graves turned back around and tried to continue to negotiate some sort of discount. After watching him fail again … and again, she approached the counter and set her basket down. "I'd like to buy all this." She pointed to her purchases and Graves' as well.

"Look, ma'am –"

"Then how about a cup of tea and a sandwich?"

Graves stared at her until a small grin came across his face. He tossed the snack items aside. "I suppose I could do that, at least."

* * *

Zack knew he shouldn't have asked Cloud the question, as when he did, the content look on Cloud's face turned to an embarrassed and reddened shame. The conversation died immediately. He couldn't help it; it had been driving him crazy not to ask and not to know the answer.

"I-I don't know," Cloud murmured, looking away from Zack's eager face to stare at the Sector 8 fountain. He watched as a few children tossed in gil and made a wish, then ran to catch up with their parents as they continued on. It was a beautiful day on the upper plate – warm with a nice breeze that was carried all the way from the ocean. Oftentimes, the retaining walls that lined the city sectors would block most breezes, but today it was strong and flowed between the buildings and roads.

"You don't have to answer, I'm sorry," Zack whispered, patting his knee a few times as he smiled at him, even though Cloud's gaze was no where near his.

"No, it's okay. Let me … think about this for a moment."

Zack nodded, pressing his lips together to try and stop himself from grinning like an idiot. Perhaps the question was too soon, perhaps it was completely inappropriate, perhaps it would scare the boy, but Zack had to know.

Cloud was quiet for a while, his head aimed down as the blush on his face grew even stronger during his thoughts. His eyes fluttered closed as a breeze picked up, lifting the long strands of hair away from the sides of his face. Zack couldn't tell if he closed his eyes to enjoy the breeze, or if this was some sort of method of hiding from everything. Regardless, he looked so cute and Zack wanted to reach over and play with his hair.

Eventually, those blue eyes opened and his lips parted, yet nothing but a small laugh escaped. He stammered and shrugged, he made every noise of discomfort that Zack had heard anyone ever utter, and if he twisted his hands together for any longer they would become chafed.

"Hey, forget about it," Zack finally said. His hand slipped from Cloud's knee back onto his own.

"It was hot," Cloud finally blurted.

There was a moment of pleased silence. "Yeah?" Zack said slowly, his smile almost turning into a sly grin.

"Yeah," Cloud said, letting out a shuddering breath. "I … really liked it."

"I told you that you'd like it."

Cloud covered his face with his hands, groaning into them. "Why did you have to ask that in such a public place?"

Zack glanced around, frowning as he took in his surroundings. There were quite a number of people lounging about, but none were really paying them any mind. "Because, after that night, I just really had to know."

"You … couldn't tell?"

Memories of Cloud's moaning with the movement of his hips and body came to him. The scent of their heated skin against each other accompanied the sights and sounds, and even if Cloud was a bit nervous during the intimate position, there was no doubt in Zack's mind that he hadn't enjoyed it.

"I," Zack began, and as he smiled wide again he let out a breathless laugh. "I just wanted to hear you say it, I guess."

"Pervert," Cloud muttered, turning his face away from Zack. But Zack leaned forward to look around him and he caught a small smirk.

"And yet, you're smiling."

"It's kind of hard not to when you're staring at me with such a goofy face."

"Well, it's one of my favorites because we can enjoy it together." Zack reached into his pocket and pulled out a gil, flicking it with his thumb over his shoulder to see if he could make it into the water. He turned on the edge of the fountain to watch it, then frowned as it hit the structure of the fountain and ricocheted into the water at a strange angle. "Sorry if I embarrassed you."

Cloud turned to watch it, but then after Zack's gil toss was none too graceful, he turned back to facing ahead. "No, it's fine. Just … pick a more private place to ask that sort of thing. I guess you just blindsided me."

Zack shrugged, fishing around in his pocket for another gil. He was more than pleased with Cloud's answer, and perhaps the reason why he was so quick to ask was to test if things were starting to lighten up with Cloud. For the past few days Zack was feeling a bit guilty for allowing that passion to happen, but perhaps the past was becoming exactly that – the past. Maybe things would start to become easier for them both. Something told him that Cloud was probably forcing himself again, but with Cloud's natural reaction right now assured him that things might be changing for the better.

He tossed in another gil over his shoulder and smiled when he heard it plop into the water without hitting the center. "Wanna have a go?" He reached into his pocket again and placed the gil into Cloud's palm when it was offered up to him. "Make a wish."

"You've been wishing? I thought you were just pointlessly tossing money away."

"You gonna toss it or not?"

Cloud frowned down at it for a moment, then flicked it over his shoulder in the same fashion as Zack had. It hit the center of the fountain with a rather loud ping and dropped into the water. "Well, I made it, at least."

"What did you wish for?" Zack said, smiling at him warmly.

"I didn't."

"Well, that's no fun! Here." He reached into his pocket one more time and cupped his hand over Cloud's, holding it there. "Try again, and this time, wish for something."

"Fine, but I still think this is a waste." Cloud looked down as Zack pulled his hand away from his, and Cloud frowned down at the small metal object that was left there. "What's this?"

"I got to thinking when you mentioned that you wished you could've come to wash the dishes when I was gone on vacation. And when the door was locked when you tried to come back for your boot bands …"

Cloud stammered, confused. He glanced between it and Zack. "It …"

"It's a key to my place, yep. So you can come and go whenever you want or need to."

"Am I even allowed to have one?" Cloud said in a small voice. He looked ashamed that that was all he was able to say after receiving such a gift.

"I don't see why not," Zack said simply. "Just don't toss it into the fountain. That water looks cold to wade through."

Cloud's small voice turned into a whisper. "Thank you, Zack." His fingers closed around it and his bottom lip was nibbled on for a brief moment.

"Now, don't think this is an invitation to come and clean my place. I swear, if you use this just to come in and clean and to not be there because you want to, I'll take it away."

Cloud shook his head seriously, almost looking frightened at the fake threat. "N-no, of course not."

"And no wild parties if I'm ever away."

"Of course not!" he said just as seriously.

Zack suddenly laughed loudly, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and bringing them together. "You're too cute!" He held his grip on him and ignored his uncomfortable wiggling against him as several people turned to look as they walked past. "I gave it a little bit of thought, and I guess it couldn't hurt for you to have it, right?" He gave Cloud a very quick kiss on the head and released him.

Cloud opened his hand again, fingering the key and smiling as he watched the sunlight reflect off its surface. "Thank you."

"You said that already," Zack said, finally reaching up to brush Cloud's hair away from his eyes. He caught a very serene look on his face.

"I know. I just …" He trailed off, biting his bottom lip once more in an attempt to hide the fact that he wanted to smile with excitement. It wasn't working and the corners of his mouth began to curl. "I don't know what else to say."

Zack shook his head with a small chuckle. Cloud's reaction over the key was more than he expected. "Well, you could say that you'll use it."

"I'll use it."

"Good," he whispered, his hand going down to Cloud's to squeeze it. "Don't hesitate to come at any time of the day or night, for any reason. Even if you just want to grab a snack really quick, you don't have to ask."

Cloud nodded, placing the key into his trouser pocket carefully.

"And … one more thing."

"Yes?"

Words began racing through his mind. Second by second, he tried to piece together sentences that would remotely begin to convey what he wanted to say. Soft and romantic whispers, elaborate confessions carefully woven together with emotion, even a simple 'I love you' – it all prodded at his tongue. Yet, somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that eloquence was far from attainable when their eyes met and Cloud smiled at him sweetly.

"Uh …"

Those eyebrows were lifted on his face in wait. The wind picked up more of his hair, and Cloud pouted at it in the most adorable way as it brushed against his nose and tickled him. Zack felt more inclined to say it now than ever.

"You just have to remember to jiggle the key a little bit before you turn the doorknob."

"Oh, sure. I'll remember that," Cloud said, his voice light.

Zack only was able to smile weakly in return.

* * *

The woman led him into her home across from the water tower in the center of the town. It was a quaint home – small, but open, and he breathed in deep to take in the smell of the wood-burning fireplace. Mismatched wooden floors ran past the foyer until it hit dark cobblestone that lined the kitchen. It spread up onto a second level that was separated by a few short steps, blanketed by a large rug, rich with warm and earthy tones. Two beds sat off to the right, tucked away in the corner. One looked as if it hadn't been used in quite a while.

He watched as the woman walked over to the kitchen area and set her groceries down. She motioned for Graves to take a seat at the table up on the second level of the room.

"What's your name, dear?"

"Graves, ma'am."

"Graves?" She glanced over her shoulder at him, smirking slightly. "That's your first name?"

Graves shook his head as he sat down at the table. "Naw, sorry, ma'am. That's my last name. I'm jus' used to everyone callin' me by my last name. It's Casey."

Her smirk turned into an excited smile. "Casey! I like that name!"

He peered at her for a moment, thinking that she was mocking him at first. But the genuinely entertained look on her face made him realize she was being serious. "Thanks, but I hate it." He was silent for a moment, watching as she bustled about at the stove, readying a tea kettle. "And you, ma'am?"

"I'm Min," she said simply.

"Min?"

"Or Minnie." She shrugged. "Whatever you'd like to call me." The kettle was placed on the stove and she moved to start to prepare a meal for him. "Well, my name is actually Cinnamon-Rose, but that's such a strange name. Min is just easier."

Graves was the one to smirk now. "Cinnamon-Rose? No disrespect, ma'am, but that _is_ a strange name."

"Oh, I know. My grandparents were Cosmo Canyon natives and they passed down names that were … nature-sounding, to put it nicely." She paused and glanced out of the window in front of the sink as she washed her hands, but then turned to him. "They were hoping that it would make their child more in tune with the planet or some other ridiculous thing. My grandmother's name was Clover-Quinn and my mother's name was Chloe-Jade. Go ahead and laugh."

Despite her invitation, he got by with only a small snort of a laugh. He was at least _trying_ to be polite. "That second one ain't too bad a name."

"I suppose not." She poured him a cup of tea as the kettle began to whistle, and she brought it over to him with a warm smile.

"Thanks, ma'am."

She nodded and went back to the kitchen area to start his meal. "It's funny because on my side of the family, we only seem to have girls," she said. "I was going to name my daughter Celeste, but instead I had a son. He broke the female chain in the family."

"What's yer son's name?" He took a sip of the tea, frowning thoughtfully at it. It was good, but a flavor he was unfamiliar with. Then again, any sort of tea he wasn't very familiar with.

"Well, even though I don't really believe in what my family believed about the planet and all that, I wanted to keep the name tradition, if nothing else," she said, finishing assembling the sandwich she promised. She smiled at him as she walked up the steps, setting the plate down in front of him. "So I named him Cloud."

Graves sputtered on the tea, cupping a hand to his chin to catch the liquid.

"You okay?"

He looked up at her with wide eyes, but then just nodded. "Y-yeah. Jus' fine." He cleared his throat. "I see a trend with the first letters of yer names."

"I love names that start with the letter C. It's such a strong-sounding letter, don't you think?"

"Uh … sure, I guess it can be," he said, shrugging, and he dabbed at his mouth with the napkin she provided. "But why no second part to yer son's name?"

She stepped back down to the kitchen and began to clean up the mess. "My husband refused. He was a stubborn man." She paused as if remembering. After a moment, she let out a soft laugh. "He said it was bad enough we were naming him Cloud. He hated the name at first, but … it grew on him," she said thoughtfully.

_Now things are startin' to make sense with that kid._

She suddenly sighed after a moment of silence, and she leaned against the counter to stare out the window again. "I miss my son."

"Where is he?" he said, trying to detach any sort of knowing in his voice.

"Ran off to join Shin-Ra like everyone else," she said with an exasperated sigh. "I didn't approve of it … but … it's what he wanted. I hope he's doing okay."

"He hasn't contacted you?"

"No, he hasn't. I miss him. I worry about him."

Graves scoffed. He couldn't really judge Cloud for not keeping in contact with his mother, but after all the terrible things that had happened to him in the past, it might have done him some good to talk with her. Even if none of it was ever mentioned. "Dun worry," he finally said. "I'm sure he's bein' takin' care of at Shin-Ra."

"Are you with Shin-Ra at all?" She suddenly looked hopeful, and her eyes scanned him over, taking in each feature that she could. "Do you know my son? I want to know if he's okay."

Graves lifted an eyebrow at her. "Naw, I ain't with Shin-Ra," he said slowly, and watched as her face fell. "But … with a name like Cloud, I'm sure he had to grow up tough to fend off the bullies. I'm sure he's kickin' ass jus' fine back in Midgar."

She let out a breathless laugh, sounding very defeated. She tapped her finger on the sink to the rhythm of the water dropping from the faucet. Her eyes went back to the window again. "He'll make it into SOLDIER, I know it," she murmured.

"Yes, ma'am." Graves took another sip, then frowned down at the tea. The unknown flavor was driving him crazy. "What kinda tea is this?"

"Rose tea … with a pinch of cinnamon."

"Cute," he said sarcastically, yet amused.

"I'd like to think so." She went silent again, still staring out the window. When she finally spoke, she muttered to herself. It was in the same way Cloud would do, and it made Graves grin a little. "I wonder what's going on in that mansion."

"Huh?"

She shook her head, turning to face him again. "I've seen a lot of activity going in and out of there the past few weeks. Apparently there's a small team here from Shin-Ra. That's what my neighbor told me, at least."

"Who?"

"Oh, I don't know. I don't pay attention to any figureheads within Shin-Ra at all. All I know of is Shinra himself, Sephiroth, and my son. I'd be damned if I learned any of their names."  
"Did ya see someone goin' in right now?"

"Yeah, a few minutes ago when I was making our tea."

"How many people went in?"

"Just one."

"What'd he look like?"

"My eyes are going bad so I really couldn't see. I'm not as young as I used to be. Of course, stressing about my son doesn't help. He's put quite a number of gray hairs on this ol' head. And this was all prior to joining Shin-Ra!" She laughed to herself, shaking her head.

Graves stood up from his chair, nearly knocking it over. "I'm lookin' for someone in this town. Ya gotta remember what he looked like!"

She blinked at his sudden outburst. "I-I really don't know. I honestly didn't see him that well. I'm not even sure if it _was _a he."

"Ya said he just went in, right?"

"A-about five minutes ago. A few lights flickered on and off in there right now."

"Shit …"

"There hasn't been much activity in that mansion in years. It just stands and collects dust and cobwebs. I was surprised to see people going in a few months ago."

"Wait, more people now?" He frowned at her, narrowing his eyes. He had checked the mansion. It was empty.

She nodded. "About three or four months back. In the middle of the night, there was a helicopter that landed in the outskirts of town. The noise woke me, so I looked out the window, hoping that it was my son coming home on leave. But some people escorted by SOLDIER walked through and went straight to the mansion."

"What'd they look like?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Thanks for everythin', Mrs. Strife," he said quickly as he rushed down the steps. He winced when he took a hard step down and pain shot through his thigh.

"Wait!"

He waved her off, limping to the front door. "Naw, I'm fine!"

"No!"

He turned back around as she ran up to him frantically. "You just called me Mrs. Strife!"

"Yeah …?"

"I didn't tell you my last name."

_Aw shit._

"How do you know it?"

He sighed loudly, rubbing his face in his hands. "I know yer son."

"I thought you looked like a SOLDIER!" She clapped her hands excitedly, trying to usher him back in. "Are you the same class as my Cloud? How is he doing? Is he famous yet?"

Graves didn't move forward and he frowned at her. It wasn't really his place to tell her. "Cloud's doin' fine, ma'am."

Her face transformed into an unbelievable expression of happiness, relief and excitement all in one. She grabbed him by the arm and began to tug him back into the kitchen. "Please, tell me more."

He growled. "I'll tell ya whatever ya wanna know later!"

She suddenly released his arm and nodded, that expression falling a little. "Sure, I'm sorry."

_She apologizes a lot._

He walked to the door and opened it, giving her a respectful nod. "Thanks. Ya don't hafta worry 'bout Cloud. He's … being taken care of." He turned and opened the door.

"Thank you." She smiled at him as he trotted out.

* * *

They spent a few more hours together by the fountain, and Cloud had even followed Zack back to his apartment for the ceremonious test run of the new key. It was a surreal feeling being able to step into the apartment he had been feeling barred from all that time, and all he had to do was turn the knob. He even got it to open without having to jiggle the key.

He stayed for only a little while, mostly to grab that quick snack that Zack had offered in theory earlier. Zack was more than happy to oblige. They didn't even bother with turning on the television or even sitting on the couch, as time was too short and they didn't want to pull away from each other's arms until the last moment. And when that moment finally came, they stretched it out into several more with slow kisses for as long as they could.

Zack had started to walk back with him but was only able to get into the elevator before his phone went off for a mission. He grumbled and stopped the cart, stole a few more kisses from him and then left. Cloud was relieved to know that it was only a few escaped monsters down in the labs that the scientists were too scared to apprehend on their own. He was a little bit nervous when Zack was called up for duty; he was afraid he would leave again for a long time. Even with a key to Zack's apartment, it wouldn't be the same to be there without him.

Cloud entered the barrack with his hand flipping the key between his fingers inside his pocket. He couldn't stop playing with it and he couldn't stop smiling. He didn't own any keys except for the one to his house, but that was lost somewhere deep in his locker and wasn't even on a keyring. He thought himself silly for trying to think of what he could put it on, and even wearing it around his neck on a chain had crossed his mind. Wearing anything but issued dog tags in uniform was against regulations, so he had to come up with something before he lost it.

He entered the locker area and began to rummage through his belongings with the hope to find something to properly store it on. He couldn't find anything to clip it onto, so he placed it at the bottom of his toiletry bag with his house key. He carefully inspected the bag to make sure there were no holes and that the zipper worked fine, and he placed it back in his locker with a relieved sigh.

There had still been lingering doubts and confusion about being with Zack, but those began to leave him the more he realized how much Zack meant to him and how much he was starting to mean to him. Zack's intentions and even his own were hard to read, and at first he thought everything had been done out of pity for him. Even if pity was the root of all this, would the time they spent together and their laughter be fake? Would each glance, each caress be nothing but a fabrication formed from some sort of charity towards him? If the pity eventually disappeared, and what was left was still the laughter and affection, would it really matter in the end where it came from?

Cloud went to shut his locker after he changed into his sleep gear but stopped when he heard two people muttering to each other on the other side of the row. He thought he heard his name being picked out of the conversation, and after he heard a few familiar 'yeah's, he realized it was Ratcliff speaking with someone. Cloud moved quietly to the end where they were standing and listened.

"I can only withhold this info for so long before the Brass will come poking their nose in everything. I'm already being watched from the shit that went down in Kalm." It was Kunsel speaking.

"Sir, can't you hold out a little longer? Give him time to come back, yeah?"

"Ratcliff, he's not coming back, you yourself told me that he said that." There was a pause, and Kunsel's voice became even lower. "I've managed to keep this from them for over a month. I have reports to give on my men and if he's not in them, they'll start to ask questions."

"But-"

Cloud started to walk slowly around the corner.

"I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can do. He left, he's not coming back."

"Are you guys talking about Graves?" Cloud said.

The two jumped and Ratcliff placed a hand on his chest and looked away. Kunsel rubbed the back of his neck, frowning. "Shit, Cloud, how long were you standing there?"

"Long enough," Cloud said. "What's going on with him?"

Kunsel sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his hand. "Nothing, yet. He's been gone for a month and I didn't want to report it yet until I thought of a plan. But I can't think of one, so I'm left with nothing else to do but report him officially AWOL."

Cloud's eyes went wide and he took a step closer to them. "Please, don't! They'll hunt him down for sure!"

A sympathetic look crossed Kunsel's face but his body language stayed strong. "Cloud, you need to realize that I've let this go for too long. I'm going to have to lie about when he actually left because it's really been _that long_. I have my own ass to protect."

"Kunsel, please, don't," Cloud murmured, pleading. He felt like a child begging, but he couldn't think of any other way to show his concern.

Whatever sympathetic look Kunsel had was quickly gone. "Cloud, there's no arguing. He made his own bed, he needs to go lie in it. I'm sorry."

Cloud stood there, his eyes flickering on the man in disbelief. His breathing started to quicken; panic started to swarm him. "But …"

Ratcliff reached over as Cloud started to pant and he rubbed his back lightly to calm him. He could feel Cloud trembling beneath his hand. "Cloud, you're shaking like a leaf, yeah."

"How else am I supposed to react? They'll have him killed!" he shouted, his voice echoing between the metal lockers.

"No, you don't know that," Ratcliff said reassuringly, even if it was possibly true. "Let Kunsel handle this, yeah?"

"I'll do my best to try and talk to the Brass about it." Kunsel peered around the corner, his eyes watching as the men in the barrack started to migrate to their bunks for the night. He looked back to Cloud, his voice even softer than before. "If there are reconnaissance missions, I'll try and make sure that it's me going after him. I can report that he's KIA so they back off and stop hunting him. That's the best I can do for him."

"Would that even work?" Cloud whispered, finally calming down.

"Genesis was reported KIA, wasn't he? His clones are still popping up all over the world."

"That is true, yeah," Ratcliff said, giving Cloud's shoulder a tight squeeze. "You can't trust Shin-Ra, especially their media."

Cloud just ignored this and continued his pleading tone. "Can't you hold out for a little while longer?"

Kunsel was quiet for a few moments, his hand instinctively going to grab his phone from his pocket. He opened it and glanced at the screen but then closed it after taking no action with it. After a few more seconds, he repeated this with a heavy frown; it was most likely out of habit as he was thinking. He suddenly sucked in a breath to speak, and Cloud began shaking again. "I'll hold it off for two more weeks. But he's not coming back, so get that out of your heads, both of you."

Cloud opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

"At least, if I push it for just a little longer, it'll ensure that he's settled after doing whatever he was doing. Hopefully by then he'll be lying low." Kunsel shrugged as if finalizing the conversation.

Cloud still didn't know what to say. He just continued to shake.

"C'mon, Cloud. Let's get some shuteye, yeah?" Ratcliff began to urge him toward the bunks gently but he wasn't budging.

Kunsel narrowed his eyes at Cloud, but it was more out of inspecting him than anything else. "It's lights-out, Cloud. There's no use getting riled up over this now. Hit the rack, kid."

"Can't you hold out for a little while longer?" Cloud finally said.

Ratcliff and Kunsel gave each other confused glances.

"I already told you," Kunsel said slowly at first. "Two weeks. That's it. Now _hit the rack. _That's an order."

"Yes, sir," Cloud muttered but saluted Kunsel before turning stiffly and walking to his bed for the night.

"Man, that kid, I swear." Kunsel rubbed his face again with a soft growl. "I feel bad for him, but there's only so much I can do. It's not like I want to do this. There's not even a guarantee that this will work."

Ratcliff watched as Cloud looked as if he had difficulty pulling his blankets back. He could see the boy's arms quivering as he fixed his bed and slipped in with a grimace. Ratcliff really did feel for him, but Kunsel was right. There really was only one person in control of the situation, and that was Graves. There was no point in Cloud getting his emotions worked up over it now. Perhaps Ratcliff had more time to adjust to everything, maybe he was a little bit more prepared to accept the fact that things would turn out this way the moment he spoke with Graves in Kalm. Maybe he was just scared to accept any of it.

"I understand, sir," was all he said, and that was really all he could say.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-Eight: Scattered Time.

Ending Author's Note: OKAY. I CAN EXPLAIN. I have a theory that Cloud's mom is a total hippie. Like, flowerchild, motherly, protective yet laid-back hippie woman. She has to be, to name her son 'Cloud' of all things! Such a hippie name, amirite?

Hah. Casey Graves. He hates his name. 8D

'Boot bands' is slang for the blousing straps mentioned in the previous chapter. :D Those smexy brown straps that hold their trousers against their boots!

When Kunsel says the phrase, "He made his own bed, he needs to go lie in it", it's an English-speaking phrase that means that an individual created a bad situation of their own doing, and it's up to that person to deal with the consequences. It's a strange phrase … but there's the explanation in case you were unfamiliar with it.

ALSO! More Malady art! Well, sorta! Not so much Malady, but art of a certain character from Malady! Two certain characters actually! It's of Ratcliff and Pawn. And the artist this time is … me! It was done as a gift for RinaLuffsPokemonBoys. Pawn, who has had a few scenes in Malady and will have more to come, is Rina's OC. We have a roleplay together on a forum that is loosely based off Malady and is set pre-Malady. It doesn't have Zack and Cloud yet, but it has all my OCs (Elici is alive still! lol) and her OCs as well. I know a few people read it! And gasp! It's smutty! First, here's a link to the roleplay if you're interested (delete the spaces!):

http: / s1. zetaboards. com/ CastlingAndPromotion/ topic/ 2667246/ 1/

And here's the picture of Ratcliff and Pawn that I painstakingly drew and digitally painted!:

http: / lagunanojutsu. deviantart. com/ art/ Ratcliff-and-Pawn-171672537

Isn't Pawn the cutest little thing ever? = w =

ALSO! I have a new poll in my profile! Please check it out if you have time. It's just for my own amusement.

Okay, Ziggy, let's shut up now. Thank you to all who read and review! Seriously, I just can't stop myself from writing when I hear such wonderful feedback from everyone. ; w ; Keeps me motivated! Thank you!

So … be here in two weeks, Tuesday, August 10th! Love you aaaalll!


	38. Chapter ThirtyEight: Scattered Time

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Scattered Time

* * *

There was no time to pull away. Their breathing matched, their writhing synchronized as if rehearsed, their muscles quivered and their chests heaved. Each tiny bead of sweat that clung to their heated skin began to run.

"Cloud?"

Their tandem sounds of pleasure quickly brought them both to a finish, nearly at the same time. Moans were choked and stifled, quickly silenced as they released into each other's mouth without restraint.

"Cloud?"

They didn't want to pull away from each other, but they had to if they wanted to finish with a kiss. Their bodies untangled and lifted away just long enough to face the same way and situate beneath the blanket next to each other.

"Cloud."

It had all started so fast that there was no time to feel embarrassed or to have second thoughts. One kiss on the lips led to another on the neck, hands caressing led to hands fumbling to remove clothing. Only one pleasuring the other wasn't enough, so Cloud was turned and coaxed on top this time.

"Cloud."

Zack had called the position a funny name, and at first he didn't quite understand the meaning of it until it had to be explained to him. He had heard other men in his unit talking about it, and even had heard it being spoken between his friends. It didn't make sense until now.

"Cloud … "

But he forced himself to do it to feel _normal. _In reality, it was anything but that, as nerves tingled, and sheets were gripped through convulsing fingertips. Heart rates were frantic, made impossibly fast by emotion and experience alone, and any thoughts that had been made _normal _in his head from habit as of late were then momentarily gone. Being stroked and whispered to by Zack – being treated normally by Zack – it all made his insecurities disappear.

"Cloud!"

Cloud gasped, blinking a few times as his eyes fixated on the blonde woman in front of him. She looked irked, but that disappeared when he began stammering sheepishly. He became so lost in the thought of the previous night with Zack that he had forgotten where he was. She had just been prattling on and on that there was no way his attention could have been strong.

"Welcome back," she said slowly. "You spaced out for a few minutes. What were you thinking about?"

"A … number."

"A number?" The psychologist gave him an inquisitive look.

Cloud shook his head dismissively. "It's … not important," he mumbled and looked away from her as she began to inspect him over. He was thankful that he had the pillow in his lap, as his thoughts had led to an … _obvious_ predicament.

"Of course it's important. If you're thinking about it, it must mean something."

"No, really. I don't know why I was thinking about it."

She was quiet for a few moments and jotted something down in his chart. He always had wanted to get his hands on it and read what was in there, but then again he was afraid to know what it said. His mind began to race with possibilities.

He already would take a bet on a few key words that would be in there. Timid, low self-esteem, maybe even _weak-willed. _A phrase with the word 'worthless' might have even been in there. If he had gil to bet, and someone to bet against him, he would take it.

"Cloud?"

It could say that he was crazy. What would happen if it _did _say that he was crazy? Did she actually think that of him? Did anyone else think that of him, for that matter? If someone in the office had gotten a hold of his file and took a not-so-innocent peek at it …

"Cloud?"

Zack must have thought he was crazy at first. His fleeting behavior, his temper that would flare at the drop of a hat, even his random bouts of crying and the nightmares only a few weeks ago. All of it … what would Zack think? But no … Zack seemed to be relaxed with him now, despite their troubles. He wasn't crazy … he was normal, and what they had been doing was normal. _Normal_.

"Cloud!" the psychologist said loudly, firmly. She had stood up and walked over to him, and he didn't even realize it.

"I, uh … yes?" He watched as she took a seat next to him on the edge of the couch, but her body was shifted towards him, their knees inches apart. That closeness was making him nervous.

"Is there something that's been distracting you that you would like to talk about?" Her voice was now back at its usual soft tone, but this time slightly more concerned.

"No."

She removed her reading glasses with an inaudible sigh. The only reason why Cloud knew she sighed was because a curly strand of her hair that was in her face was blown to the side. "Then there must be some reason why you're so inattentive today."

"I'm not, ma'am," he said. He felt his eyebrows furrowing and he began to wonder why what he had just said seemed very untrue.

"You have been. I called your name about ten times. Just in this second time alone."

Now his face was really heating up and it took him a few moments to realize that his whole body began to feel that way. His leg began to bounce.

"Are you feeling all right?" She placed a hand on his knee to stop its movement.

"Yeah," he said quickly and just began to bounce the other leg.

She placed her other hand on his other knee, stopping both now. "Are you certain?"

Cloud sat for a moment, staring down at her hands. The more he thought about it, the more his head started to hurt. And the more he thought about that, the more he realized that his head had been hurting the entire time and in fact had been since he woke up that morning in his bunk.

"What?" she asked, leaning in close to him.

"I didn't say anything," he said, frowning at her.

"Yes you did, Cloud. You said something right now."

He rubbed his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "That's right, I said I'm actually not feeling very well." He assumed that was what he had said, at least.

"You are welcome to lie on the couch if you'd like."

He remembered that his neighbor had a very comfortable couch in their house. He had sat on it a few times while visiting with his mother. He was fairly young and was too shy to really speak with the young girl that lived there, so most of the time he would just sit beside his mother quietly. The couch in this office was pretty nice, but his neighbor's was nicer. Maybe he just didn't want to give this couch any credit for being anything other than a symbol of the worst sixty minutes of his day. Why … was he thinking about couches so much?

"Are you listening?"

Her voice seemed to reach him again. His head lifted from his hands and he squinted at her with a grimace. "What? S-sorry. I just … can't concentrate right now on this."

"Perhaps we should end this early. There's no point in continuing if you're not listening."

He stammered. He really didn't know what to say. "I guess I'll just go back to the front desk," he muttered eventually.

"I'm afraid that I'm going to have to relieve you of your duty for the day. I can't have you working with the patients and their files if you can't concentrate." She stood up and moved back to her desk to write down the time and then possibly other words like 'crazy'. "Report back to your barrack and get some rest."

"But …"

"If you need another day of rest, you may take tomorrow off," she said blandly and closed his chart. She then smiled at him just as blandly.

"It's just a little headache. I can take some aspirin and get back to work."

She studied his face for a moment and he lifted his eyebrows to show his eagerness. He really didn't want to go back to the barracks, as that would mean a report to his superiors as to why he was relieved of his light-duty. Questions would be raised and possibly prolong getting back to full-duty, which he so desperately wanted.

Eventually, she nodded and he practically scrambled to his feet. A few aspirin from the first-aid kit were taken and he continued his duties at the front desk. At first he felt a little better, but as the day went on, the headache worsened and his ability to concentrate was gone. He found himself staring blankly at either the computer screen or the files aimlessly. After several hours of this, he somehow managed to get through the day.

The pain was becoming sharp. His vision was shaky and he could hardly keep his eyes open as he tried to walk back to the barracks. He was passing by people in the halls, but there was not one face he could make out clearly. Details and features were a blur, and even the noises around him were muffled. He knew his hand was trailing along the wall to keep the balance that was slipping away, but even the feeling of the wall felt strange beneath his hand.

Through the pain, he was at least able to recognize that he was in the barracks, but at this point he wasn't even sure it was his own. He heard people talking to him and he even felt a few hands on his shoulder to stop him as he blindly stumbled to what he assumed was his bed. It seemed familiar, and he could even make out a faint trace of Zack's scent on the pillow and blanket from having spent the previous day with him and going to bed still smelling like him. It was comforting and he tried to enjoy it.

He wasn't sure how long he had been lying face down in his bunk for, but after a while he heard someone speaking to him gently and realized it was Ratcliff. The man helped him sit up and asked him a few questions, to which Cloud found himself unable to answer clearly. He did understand the words 'infirmary' coming from Ratcliff, and then the word 'no' coming from himself, however.

Much to his dismay, he was ushered into the infirmary by an overly-worried Ratcliff. After a while in the waiting room with his head in his hands, he was seen by a doctor who only asked him a few questions and took a look at his chart to see that he had previous head injuries. He was simply given pain pills for the headache specifically, and then was released.

And he actually took them. Normally, he would have thrown them away, but it didn't help that Ratcliff was fussing over him and practically lecturing him like his own mother would. It came as no surprise, and Cloud was too out of it to really care. The man's voice eventually faded away, as did the pain, once the pills were taken, and he drifted to sleep.

He was in and out. His mind would slip between a dark nothing to a strange awareness for what was going on around him. He could hear faint voices but none he could piece together and put a face or name to. A cold and damp feeling on his face would come and go, and he felt a gentle stroking across his forehead and through his hair. It made him smile, and that alone drained away any lingering discomfort that he had. Only one name and face came to mind then.

"Zack."

There was a soft sigh and the hand on his head stopped stroking him, pulling away. The loss of comfort quickly roused him and his eyes opened with sights and sounds flooding him once more. It took a moment for his senses to adjust to everything, but after they did, he was able to see the person who had been watching over him as he slept.

Ratcliff smiled at him awkwardly, shifting over to Elici's bed as Cloud sat up. "No, sorry, not Zack. Just me, yeah."

Cloud looked around, his narrowed eyes slowly opening wider as he woke. He mumbled something under his breath as he rubbed his face.

"Feeling better? You had me worried, yeah."

"Much better," he finally said. "I had that headache all day."

"That was no simple headache. That was a migraine, yeah." Ratcliff tossed aside a damp cloth that he had squeezed in one hand. "I'm not sure if you remember, but the doctor said it was from stress."

"Oh." Cloud glanced him over, watching as the man fidgeted a bit and looked away when their eyes briefly met. "Thanks for taking me, but you didn't have to."

"Yeah I did, you were planning on _not _going."

Cloud was silent for a moment, racking his memory and trying to remember any bits of conversation he had with Ratcliff or the infirmary staff while he was there. The majority of it came back to him and he remembered that the doctor wasn't the same one from his first stay there, or even the second stay. Cloud also remembered begging the doctor to not extend his light-duty because of this.

"Have you been getting headaches a lot lately …?"

"No."

Ratcliff frowned at him, their eyes finally meeting again when Cloud's voice came out none-too-convincing. "Cloud."

He shrugged meekly. "Maybe a few here and there."

"Feeling scatterbrained?"

"I guess so."

"You guess?"

Cloud growled, rubbing his face again with his hands and his voice came out sharp and irritated. "Yes, Ratcliff. What's with the questions?"

"I take it you've had a _short temper_ lately as well, yeah?" He chuckled when Cloud just scowled at him and didn't bother responding. "Look, I only ask because I'm worried, yeah."

"Well, don't be. I'm fine."

"Not the words that someone who just came from the infirmary should be saying, yeah. Now, tell me everything."

They were quiet again and both watched as the other men began to clean up around the barracks before bed. Some were playing card games, others were writing letters to family and some were just grouped together chatting. There was an upbeat mood through the room, and yet for some reason it was making Cloud feel uncomfortable. Perhaps it was Ratcliff putting him on the spot that was making him feel that way.

Eventually, Cloud began to explain how scattered his thoughts had been lately, and how he couldn't stop himself from snapping at Zack a few times. He had been linking it with what had happened to him emotionally and mentally, and so when the doctor said it was stress, it wasn't all that farfetched.

"Can you … not mention anything to Zack about this?" he asked in a very quiet voice.

"Promise to take care of yourself and I won't, yeah."

"Ratcliff …"

"I mean it," he said firmly. "I don't like the sound of any of this. Stress?" He laughed. "My ass. I think it's from when you hit your head those times because it sounds like what I had when I was a kid," Ratcliff said, his own voice sounding irritated now.

Cloud looked up at him, a combination of curiosity and fear on his face. "What're you talking about?"

"I hit my head on the ice back home when I was ten, yeah. Knocked me out for a few weeks. For months after I always had bad headaches and my concentration went out the window. And my brother said I became the hugest dick on the planet." Ratcliff laughed again, but this time it was more light-hearted. Perhaps it was to lighten the mood as Cloud suddenly looked horrified. "I couldn't stop myself, yeah."

"What was wrong with you?"

This time his short laughter seemed forced, almost sarcastic. "What _wasn't _wrong with me?" he muttered to himself, looking off to the side. He paused for a bit, then eventually looked back up to Cloud with an awkward grin. "I had post-concussive syndrome. You can get it after a serious head injury. It can develop months after and then last for a long time, yeah."

"You think that's what I have?"

"Sure sounds like it, yeah. Sleeping okay? Your balance okay?"

Cloud thought for a moment, frowning a little. "My balance has been okay. But sleeping has been off."

"Keep an eye on all that. I'd even keep track of your headaches if I were you. Things can develop slowly with it and it'll really mess with you, yeah."

"Isn't there anything for it?"

"What, like a miracle cure? Nope. Doctors won't do shit for you, yeah. They can't, really. Just give you pills for the pain," Ratcliff said casually, waving his hand about to dismiss Cloud's hope. "Doctors are useless sometimes, yeah."

"So … it goes away on its own?"

"Sometimes it doesn't. Some people can have it for years."

Cloud swallowed hard and shifted on his bed uncomfortably. The headache was returning just thinking about it. He settled back down with a quiet groan and just stared up at Ratcliff's bunk. He felt Ratcliff give him a pat on the thigh and then started to climb the ladder for the night. "Please, don't mention anything to Zack."

Ratcliff looked over the side of his bunk and frowned down at Cloud. "Like I said, I won't say a thing, so long as you take care of yourself. You continue to take those pain pills they gave you, yeah."

Cloud nodded, his face stricken with uncertainty and what looked like pain. He rolled onto his side, nearly lying on the prescription bottle beside him. He picked it up and turned it over a few times, inspecting the label. It was tossed aside with a sigh and his eyes closed for the night.

"I mean it, Cloud," Ratcliff said firmly. "You _take those pills_."

"I will, I will," Cloud murmured.

* * *

There was a slight disturbance in the dust that settled on the handrail up the stairs in the mansion. It was just a few brushes against the surface along the right side, but it was enough to send it into the air. The dust was illuminated, each individual particle spotlighted in the sun that crept through the old windows. It danced and swayed as if alive; as if each had its own purpose and its own will.

He hadn't paid much attention to the minute details in the surroundings the first time through when he got into the town. The dead silence throughout the entire mansion was enough to put his suspicions that anyone could be there to rest. But now, that silence was disturbed by the simple movement of the dust.

He walked quietly through the ground floor first, retesting the large double doors below the staircase that had been previously locked. They remained in the same state – shut tight, undisturbed. He checked through a few open rooms as well, seeing nothing but old woodwork and aged décor.

The stairs were grand. If it hadn't been for the evidence of time and neglect in the mansion, the stairs could even be considered _welcoming._ But the rails were too far apart to just casually brush a hand along as they were climbed, so for someone to walk to the side and actually use one of the rails probably meant that the person _needed_ to use it. Someone elderly perhaps, or perhaps someone injured. He continued along the stairs, his hand only leaving the rail when he reached the top.

More weathered furniture … more forgotten rooms. Everything, even the air was standing still. What were once lush plants, now sat withered in faded pots beneath thinning windows. Linens on the beds in some of the rooms were dulled, smelling of musk and of time. Old floors would moan, stiff door hinges would creak, every corner of the mansion had drooping cobwebs … there wasn't one thing about it that seemed new or lived in.

But things were odd. An unlocked front door, locked rooms inside, unsettled dust floating about … yet no evidence pointing to any signs of life in the entire building was apparent. Maybe Cloud's mother was mistaken about it all.

There was a cluster of rooms down the hall to the right of the stairs that he had yet to check. He decided to duck into a room at the beginning of the hallway. It was small, with yellowing paint and ignored artwork on the walls. It looked like any other room in the mansion, but there was something that … lured him into it. There was another room adjoining it, and that luring feeling became stronger. It was now less of a _feeling,_ and now more of a physical _something _thatdrew him closer.

The smell of mako.

It was strong in this room.

He stepped to a strange wall, one hand leaving his assault rifle to reach out and smooth over faded and dark bricks. It was a conspicuous wall – rounded and protruding from the corner of the room. There was what looked like a door sunken in. That, too, was made of brick.

Were those … voices?

He pressed his ear to a small gap in the door, listening. He could hear it – garbled and eerie trails of a voice from deep behind this wall. It was very faint, but such a sound would travel easily through utter silence.

The old floor moaned behind him. A looming shadow, then a flurry of swift movement, and Graves was given only enough time to duck down as the sword was swung over his head. The blade sent shards of brick flying out as it missed its mark and struck the wall in front of him. He watched in stunned shock, his hand leaving the wall to grip his rifle again.

A quick reaction wasn't enough. It only allowed for a single moment longer before the tip of the sword pierced his body. It drove into his shoulder from behind, sending his body jolting forward into the wall as he tried to resist. His nose connected into the brick first, followed by his own guttural cry.

Sadistic chuckling – it drowned out any noise he made.

The sword left his shoulder. He pushed himself off the wall, rolling across it as he spun to face the man behind him. A flash of silver crossed his vision as the weapon was once again brought towards him. His finger sought out the trigger of his rifle as his eyes darted wildly about. Any sense that he tried to grasp onto was fleeting as he stumbled towards the doorway. But shaking legs were straightened, the trigger was found and pulled.

Three metallic pings filled the small room in quick succession, mingling with the rupture of gunfire leaving his rifle. Holes appeared in the walls and ceiling, the drywall crumbled down in thin lines around the man with the sword.

A grin split onto Mejia's face as he lowered the sword, shifting his firm stance to lunge again. He ran forward, swinging his blade for Graves' neck, still grinning even as it missed by several inches.

Graves jumped back, slamming up against a rickety dresser. The attached vanity mirror swayed, sending the layers of dust billowing out around him. He fired off a few more rounds at Mejia as he ran towards him, but with a swing of his sword, the bullets were deflected. Graves dodged again, seeing the man finishing the movement of his attack from the corner of his eye as he scrambled towards the door. The sword easily sliced through the weakened wood.

He ran out through the adjoined room and into the hallway, nearly tripping over a shredding rug as Mejia pursued after him. He could hear the sounds of the sword slicing through their surroundings; he could feel the air current from the attacks hitting the back of his neck, reminding him of how close he was.

His leg began to throb as he turned sharply on his heels, trotting backwards to watch the doorway. The muzzle of his rifle was raised, aimed at the door as Mejia rounded the corner. He fired a burst shot at him again, but his arms were shaking from adrenaline. Blood was running down his face and neck from his nose; his breathing was thick. Rhythm in his movements was nonexistent, thrown from this man's incredible speed.

Mejia swung his sword out as he neared, sending the rails of the banister collapsing into several rolled off the second story and fell, hitting the floor below loudly. Graves jumped back again, wincing as his leg protested the movement with more pain and more difficulty moving. His mobility was slipping, but his determination was solid.

They reached the left side of the wide landing, Graves glancing over his shoulder as he trotted, careful not to slam into the doorframe behind him. He slipped into another hallway with frantic eyes that searched his surroundings. He dropped the empty magazine, his hand patting around the pouches on the shoulder straps to his seabag on his back. He found another magazine – his last – and reloaded.

Wedges of the doorframe and wall slid out of place as Mejia's sword cut through. He emerged through the wreckage, body unflinching as more bullets were fired at him. Several grazed his arms, some hit the blade of his sword, causing a moment of disruption, but none stopped him.

More wreckage around as he wielded the weapon, of which Graves could not have the time to even comprehend what was being destroyed. He heard several pots breaking in between gunfire, and windows shattering as they scrambled between rooms. He could feel his own heart beating – slamming – in his chest as Mejia neared. He was being backed into a corner during this fight – quite literally. The back of his legs bumped against something large and hefty, and he realized that fleeing was no longer an option. He began to unload the magazine, firing off burst shot after burst shot. With unreal speed, they were knocked away with the blade of Mejia's sword.

Mejia closed in, bringing the sword up into an arch before falling down towards him. Graves' feet shuffled on the ground in hesitation, waiting for the right instant to dodge. He was overwhelmed and disorientated, but instinct took over and he was able to dart to the side.

The sword hit the object behind him with a shuddering force. A loud metallic sound reverberated throughout and caused Mejia to recoil, wincing from the blunt hit and the noise. Graves took a quick glance and saw that he had struck a large metal safe, and he thanked it inwardly as that gave him enough time to aim the muzzle of his rifle at the man. Mejia just turned and slammed his foot against Graves' thigh before the trigger could be pulled, pinning his body against the safe.

The room suddenly tilted and immense pain erupted in his leg, all while Mejia smirked before him. He buckled, hitting the hard floor; there was too much pain to even make a sound. He fought to keep his hands on the rifle and for his eyes to stay open, but both were slipping.

His body began to move on its own, being dragged across the rubble and back out onto the landing. Blood was beginning to soak through his pant leg – he could feel it. Whatever hairline fracture that could have been in his femur was most likely a full break now, with the wound at least reopened. He wasn't sure if he would even be able to physically walk, not like this. But he was determined to walk – if not crawl – away from this fight.

He pawed around for his rifle as his eyes opened. It had slipped from his hands. It was being dragged behind his body, the strap having snagged around the foot of his wounded leg. He couldn't reach it; he couldn't even lift that leg with the hopes that it would slide down so he could reach it. He could only watch it scrape along the floorboards, reflecting the daylight from the large windows above them.

Mejia tugged on him roughly as he dragged him by the seabag. His sword was still clutched in his hand, but it was lowered to his side. Thoughts began to race in Graves' mind then. Mejia could have killed him already … just as easily and quickly as he probably did Elici.

Light reflected off the handle of his combat knife. His hand reached up to a pouch on the shoulder straps and pulled it out swiftly. He released a growling cry as it was plunged deep into Mejia's thigh. Mejia cursed and yelled, both hands going to fight with Graves' firm grip on the handle. He was twisting it, hoping that with each turn, the tip would grind into his femur bone, not allowing Mejia to pull it away.

Fingertips began to dig into Graves' hand as it was pried away with a fearsome strength. Graves scrambled to keep hold, but the hilt of Mejia's sword swung around, knocking into his wrist. He lost his grip.

His body was hoisted up and tossed over what was left of the banister. He fell to the first floor, landing on his wounded shoulder. A sick popping noise shook through him and through the room, but no sound could be uttered. Air refused to fill his lungs; pain filled them instead. He strained his head up, watching as Mejia tore the knife from his flesh and tossed it aside. Mejia's sword was now poised as he leapt over the banister and plunged down below. The tip was aimed right at him.

Graves forced his body to roll. He tumbled a few times as Mejia landed where he once was. The blade sunk into the wooden floor, through a puddle of his own blood. Mejia smirked, removing his weapon with ease.

"Wonderful things happen in this place."

He finally managed to suck in a wheeze, his lungs painfully inflating. "It's nuffin' but a dusty old mansion!"

Mejia ignored him, walking forward. "Your expression is priceless. You're surprised how fuckin' quick I am, right? Much faster than in Costa del Sol."

Graves watched as Mejia firmed his grip on the hilt of his sword. He glanced around for his assault rifle and spotted it lying a few feet from him. He pushed himself up, body almost unwilling, and scrambled towards it.

_I ain't gonna die like this._

His finger found the trigger, sliding onto it as he whirled back towards Mejia. The last rounds pumped out of the magazine, tearing into Mejia's gut, leaving him with nothing. The bullets disappeared inside his flesh, but he continued forward at an incredible speed.

The barrel of Graves' assault rifle was sliced in half as movements became a blur. The weapon fell to the floor in front of his knees and he watched it in disbelief. He couldn't take his eyes off it. He blinked, watching as red liquid began to pool around it, and his eyes trailed along, leading back up to his own body.

Mejia stabbed Graves through the chest.

"That's the difference between you and me." The sword was removed with a sickening squish; his blood splattered onto the old floor. "Between me and all of you."

Graves' jaw began to quiver, his hand patting around his chest blindly, fingertips being lost in the blood. His lips moved to utter words, yet nothing but a pained gurgle escaped.

Mejia only grinned, observing as Graves' body began to sink into shock. He twisted his head with a deranged curiosity as he watched Graves convulse and lower to the ground in a hunch, doubling over his feet. It was a sight to see him there in such a position, and he found himself smiling wider when he felt Graves' blood soaking through his boots. He reached down and grabbed him by his neck, giving him a rough tug upwards as he began to drag him.

The dust at the top of the stairs moved aside, parting from their mingling dance to allow the passage of the two men.

Bleary eyes – tired and defeated – fought to stay focused … to at least be able to face his fate with open eyes. Graves saw yellowing paint … drooping cobwebs … blood – his blood – on dark and faded brick once more.

The smell of mako was even stronger now.

Darkness enveloped him, but he could feel himself blinking. Strong silence greeted his ears until his body began to thump over more stairs. It wasn't hurting … why wasn't it hurting …?

Down. They were going down. Darkness became darker, silence became deafening. He tried to focus on something, but the only thing he was able to pick out was his own heartbeat. Even that was growing quiet.

A light … green, lots of green. Cold metal, glimpses of white fluttering about … chilling metal against his back …

Hands that had killed, that had violated were now holding him down …

A pinprick …?

That eerie voice again.

No … not a pinprick. This _burned_.

He struggled, but his strength was depleting as more green flooded his vision. Veins were constricting – screaming. Muscles fermented and writhed.

Mejia's smirk … that same foul smirk. Graves could do nothing but spit on it.

Those hands were now leaving his body as the silence was broken with an angry cry. A flash of silver crossed above his eyes as they began to close.

"Do not decapitate the specimen," he heard. "I need the head intact."

Mejia's hands were back on Graves' body, slowly, reluctantly.

"That was our deal for your freedom."

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Thirty-Nine: Worth.

Ending Author's Note: Hello all! Just need to mention a few things …

Someone brought to my attention that I was plagiarized … again. Please, if you see that someone's story resembles mine please let me know. This is twice now that it's happened (who knows how many other undiscovered times there can be) and if it starts to get out of hand, I will not hesitate in pulling this story down and not updating again. I don't write and post so other people can take my ideas and use them for their own. In no way is it flattering. :/ Anyway, this shouldn't just go for me. If you notice that another story has been plagiarized, please let that author know too. Don't assume that it's already been taken care of or brought to their attention because it's most likely not. We all should be looking out for each other, you know?

Anyway, that aside, I hate to say this, but I need to take just a mini hiatus from writing and computer things in general. The fingers in my right hand have been going numb since the end of May, and I think it's the start of Carpal Tunnel. OTZ I didn't realize how bad it was until I was at McDonalds and the employee handed me my change and I couldn't even feel the coins between my fingertips. XD So I'm gonna hold off on posting the next chapter until Tuesday September 7th. I'll take this time to rest my hands in hopes that the tingling and numbness will go away. Sorry about that, folks, but I need to feel my fingers! How else can I grope Cloud? Erm … I mean … *shifty eyes* I mean … how else can I continue writing? 8D

So next chapter will be on that date. Also, I mentioned this all the way back in chapter twenty-four, but I'll mention it again:

Any views expressed in this story do not necessarily reflect my own personal views on anything relating to psychology, psychiatry, or the use of these professionals. I know that the psychologist in this story is viewed as a "quack" or as "pointless" from some of the characters, and that is for entertainment purposes only and is only meant to serve as character development for this story. I have nothing against them, nor do I think negatively of any individual who use their services. Just wanted to make that clear … again.

I really need to keep these notes shorter. Thanks for reading and reviewing, my friends! Until next time …


	39. Chapter ThirtyNine: Worth

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Worth

* * *

Two months went by, and Shin-Ra seemed to be doing what it did best – being sneaky and convoluted. The company had done well in its job to keep them apart, through surprise missions when their schedules seemed to match, to having the men and women in black suits following them accordingly. The Turks even seemed to stop caring about being discreet about it, and he and Reno had gone out a few more times for lunch, and he even managed to strike up several conversations with the one named Rude. He was an interesting fellow once he opened up, and when Zack found out that he was from Costa del Sol, he decided to voice his complaint to him about the Mojitos they served there to not be minty enough. Rude just sort of shrugged and simply said he had no control over that, and didn't seem to understand that Zack was just trying to make conversation.

And when Reno was the one assigned to him, he seemed to conveniently turn a blind eye when Zack managed to get a little time with Cloud. They had gone out a few times, to dinner, to another movie, and they even just enjoyed time with each other going for a walk through LOVELESS avenue. Cloud always looked endearing as he stared at the flashy signs with large eyes, and they lit up his pale skin and soft hair with such a vibrant glow. It would remind Zack of the night of their first kiss where the moonlight had hit him in such a stunning way, that it seemed to forever implant that image in his mind. He never wanted to forget that, and he found himself thinking of that whenever Cloud would be under any sort of light, whether it be the sun, or the fluorescent bulbs inside the Shin-Ra building.

But time was scarce with Cloud for the most part. Cloud was still on light-duty and was still trying to hide it. Zack would try to find him in the halls as much as he could, to catch a much needed glimpse, but there were so many places that he could be that it made finding him quite challenging.

Zack was also finding it hard to turn in his weekly report on Cloud's behavior when Cloud himself was stationed at the front desk in the psychologist's office. He would watch him through the windows that flanked the door, bustling about as he filed things or answered the phones, and Zack couldn't think of a way to get the report in without Cloud knowing. Most of the time he wasn't able to keep his train of thought as it would be misled by watching Cloud just do something so simple as his duties. Zack was surprised that just watching Cloud work clumsily made his heart beat fast in his chest and a smile to grace his face. Even when the boy became frustrated over a sudden explosion of phone calls that made him growl so loud that Zack could hear it over the general chatter in the hallway, it still made him smile. It was then that he realized he had spent a whole week lurking about and failed to come up with a solid plan.

The psychologist must have caught onto Zack's dilemma as she had eyed him one day standing in the halls like a distraught fool, and purposely left the door unlocked while the staff was out to lunch. She had mouthed to him, 'lock up when you're done' very clearly to and then turned a blind eye. He was able to get in and out quicker than he ever thought possible. Perhaps he should have just approached her about it beforehand. But all that worrying proved to be in vain as a few days later, Cloud's light-duty was finally lifted.

And Cloud's spirits slowly seemed to lift as the days went on, or perhaps that they just had seen each other too few of times that whenever they did, it was the highlight of each other's week. Neither could stop from showing their excitement. The empty smile that Cloud had been wearing the past two months began to disappear, and left in its wake was his usual shy, but content expression when they were together. Zack was occasionally rewarded with a wide smile, that Cloud would even throw in a peek of his teeth every now and then, and he even began to initiate kisses once more, albeit a bit awkwardly.

But intimacy was infrequent. Even as it began to resume after the incident, Zack could count on one hand the amount of times that they had ventured into that. A few nights after they had tried out the new oral position, Cloud had experienced a nightmare and relapsed into another strange bout of anxiety when Zack tried to comfort him. He wasn't exactly sure what happened. They were able to spend the night together, but sleep was disrupted by familiar and disheartening whimpers. He heard Mejia's name being muttered and Zack couldn't stand to let him sleep through that. He was woken up, only to have Cloud react as if Zack was Mejia himself. All it did was become a painful reminder for the both of them that trauma liked to linger, despite their efforts.

There was a constant fleeting feeling of improvement but then falling behind again with Cloud. Zack didn't know what else to do, so he tried to hold him. He tried to urge him back to sleep, he tried to kiss him until he relaxed, but Cloud had bolted out of the bed and paced. After a while, Zack had heard Cloud rummaging in his clothes for something that sounded like a prescription bottle, and he mumbled something about a headache. A few minutes passed and Cloud came back into the room a bit calmer. But when Zack tried to kiss him again as they tried to fall back asleep, Cloud frantically pulled away.

After that, one night Zack had forced himself to stop their kissing before any tongue was even used. Cloud had pulled back and looked confused – frightened even – that Zack had stopped, but once Zack reassured him that everything was fine with modest kisses and cuddling, Cloud almost seemed relieved that things didn't go any further.

Another two weeks passed, and after so much of hardly seeing each other, roaming hands and frisky teenage hormones got the better of them, and they submitted to their more carnal needs. Cloud was visibly nervous, most likely in fear of how he himself might react to everything _again_, but despite their urgency leading up to their act, they managed to take it slow and Cloud was able to relax through it. Zack had tried to focus on pleasuring Cloud only, but Cloud was quite persuasive about returning the favor once Zack got him heated enough, and soon he was between his knees with his mouth encasing his length.

Zack noticed that if he lost himself in the moment and started to thrust into Cloud's mouth, the boy would freeze and tense. Cloud's hand had started to squeeze Zack's member involuntarily during, and the sound of Zack yelping snapped him out of his trance. Cloud looked mortified, but Zack couldn't help but lie through the pain and said that he was fine. After about five minutes of Cloud covering his face in shame and Zack recovering, they tentatively resumed their pleasuring.

There was something about their passion that Zack had yet to understand. Zack was deprived of sex – that was plain and simple. Since his first experience with it, he would admittedly jump right into intercourse with his relationships without even so much as to building up to it in steps. The girl in the slums was a bit different, as she took a bit of courting, but things did happen quickly in retrospect. Shortly after his relationships began, a kiss would turn to sex. There was never time taken to ease on into it.

He was growing a bit restless prior to meeting Cloud with being deprived for several months without it, and at first he feared he had taken things too quickly with him when things did get rolling. There were obvious restrictions with their relationship, and although he probably could have taken advantage of Cloud that one night when Cloud was begging, he found that expressing his feelings for him slowly was turning out to be enjoyable with even something as simple as cuddling.

There were nights where they simply did just that. Gentle passing of their knuckles across their skin, their fingertips would dance across their shoulders and arms with the speed of their melded breathing. Hair was swept through and twirled about casually, and yet each touch was savored and remembered. Conversation was light – silence only interrupted by the occasional comment about the events of their week, and conversation only interrupted by the frequent parting of their lips for a smile, or a kiss.

An aura of disappointment would hover above them as the hand on the clock would turn, and yet, they would try their hardest not to look. No amount of quiet sighing or slight frowns at the clock would make it run any slower, but as they parted, they couldn't help but feel satisfied with the short time they shared together. A squeeze of each other's hand, a modest kiss; they would say their goodbyes through soft smiles, despite not knowing when they would see each other next.

And in the days between, Zack would try to behave. He had passed by Tseng several times in the hallway while filing his paperwork, and had to literally bite his tongue as to not blurt out something along the lines of, 'What was the fucking point?'. He really didn't understand why it was kept secret from him. But he would be risking a lot if he would reveal that he knew the truth. Kunsel and Ratcliff had been ordered not to say anything about it, and Reno had risked his job to tell him when no one else could. He was still unsure if Cloud was ordered not to say anything, or if he was just too ashamed of himself to talk about it. He wished that he would, as there were times when they were together where nothing but sadness seem to fall over him unexpectedly.

And Zack remained quiet about it all, even during the times where silence would come between them, and Cloud looked as if he were about to speak and tell him everything. The mood would suddenly shift. Zack would freeze and wait, allowing him the opportunity to confide in him, but Cloud would just pass it up with an awkward smile and continue on as if nothing happened. So despite that it was eating away at the both of them, they continued to pretend.

* * *

It was one of those days where Reno conveniently became preoccupied with his phone long enough for Zack to 'give him the slip' and head down to the barracks. He had just finished submitting his bimonthly report on Cloud's behavior for the psychologist. At first it was weekly, but as time passed and Cloud seemed to be making some progress, she only requested it twice a month. He assumed his sessions were less frequent as well. This, of course, meant less paperwork for Zack, and less time feeling like he was spying on Cloud.

Reno would give him a little bit of time with Cloud, and despite the Turk being favorable towards their privacy, he was in all honesty never too far behind. He would let Zack leave his sight long enough for him to make contact with Cloud, at which by that point would be too late for the Turk to intervene and stop them. So he went with the excuse that it was too late for him to prevent them from seeing each other, and opted to follow them inattentively if they went about their business in public. Once Zack got Cloud behind his doors, there was nothing that Reno could do about it, and Zack figured Reno would rather have it that way anyway. It meant less paperwork for Reno, but in no way meant less time feeling like a spy, as when Zack would leave his quarters, there he was again.

But Reno was a far better choice, if he were to actually have one, as the other Turks seemed to take their job a bit more seriously and would divert Zack from meeting with Cloud on the off chance that their schedules actually matched and allowed for time spent together. That involved the usual orders being delivered to him to clean up monsters around the city, to dispatching of Genesis clones, to even sitting through meetings and lectures given by the department heads.

He even sat in on a lecture given by one of Professor Hojo's assistants about theories of long exposure to high levels of concentrated and pressurized mako. He zoned out about ten minutes in, and fell asleep about halfway through. Even if it was Hojo himself, who wasn't any more charismatic as this assistant was, he would have fallen asleep just as easily. Unfortunately – or perhaps fortunately – Hojo was reportedly in Nibelheim after Genesis' attempted assassination on him six months back.

Zack thought it was all a bit excessive that the company would have him watched for this long, considering that they were trying to keep something secret from him, and this in no way was making things seem any less suspicious. Perhaps they were going on the hope that he would either not notice, or assume it was because of some other reason that would make about the same sense as the real one.

And it wasn't like he could just march up to Tseng and say, 'I'll be a good boy, so stop having your men follow me', because in reality he wasn't supposed to know anything about the incident at all. But it was getting to a point where he honestly felt compelled to do just that and everyone else be damned. He was surprised that even Cloud didn't notice how often they were actually followed, but they saw each other so infrequently that perhaps there was no time to notice.

Zack paused in the elevator, his finger hovering between one of two choices. After a few impatient sighs came from some office workers in the cart with him, he jabbed one of the buttons, and the elevator began its trek to the floor he chose. Seeing Cloud in the barracks could wait.

The elevator took him to the forty-ninth floor – the SOLDIER floor. What once teemed with vivacious and eager men, now only teemed with silence and empty halls. The large computer monitors in the briefing room once held images of the enemy – Wutai or AVALANCHE – but now they flashed the profiles of people who were once comrades.

Sephiroth sat at the desk that Lazard once sat. He had his head down, sifting through a few files before him and was comparing them to files that were stored on the computer. He didn't even bother to look up from his work as Zack entered with a hiss of the glass door.

"I want them to stop following us!"

"And who is following you, Zack?" Sephiroth said casually, his eyes not breaking from his work.  
Zack stopped and stood behind him. "Don't play stupid, Sephiroth! I thought you were above these types of games!"

Sephiroth finally turned in the chair, the casters squeaking as he faced him. "I'm assuming you mean the Turks."

"No shit," Zack said, throwing his arms up in the air. "Is there anyone else following me that I should know about?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"Look, you're in charge of SOLDIER now. I know you know what's going on, and I want them to stop. Now." He jabbed his fingertip into his other palm as if to convey that he was any more serious than what his body language and tone was already giving off. "If they think it's healthy for him, then they're wrong. I don't want him to become paranoid like how I'm getting."

Sephiroth was silent for a while, leaning back in the chair and glancing over to the small monitor at the desk. "I suppose you have a point," he finally said. "I can speak to Tseng and let him know that I'll be supervising you more closely."

"But … you won't be, right?" he asked, but it was more of a demand than anything else.

"No. I trust you."

Zack's threatening stance relaxed, and his shoulders seemed to slump, but only slightly. "For Gaia's sake, it's about time somebody does around here."

"But I can't guarantee that they'll stop entirely."

"I know, just … I just want them to ease up." Zack pulled another chair out from beneath the desk and sat on it backwards. He flopped over the back with a sigh. "I can't look anywhere without seeing a black suit following me. I don't think Cloud has noticed, but he will sooner or later."

Sephiroth's green eyes scanned over his subordinate. "I'll see what I can do. But … I have some news for you."

Zack frowned and lifted his head from the back of the seat, his eyes glancing over from Sephiroth to the computer screen. "About what?"

"It's about 3rd Class Angels Mejia."

He swallowed hard. "What … about him?"

"He's been reported KIA," Sephiroth said coolly.

" … Are … you sure?"

"Yes."

"By who? Who reported it?"

"I cannot release that information."

"No, tell me, Sephiroth! How do I know this isn't Shin-Ra trying to pull the wool over my eyes again!" He stood up quickly, shoving the chair away and it rolled, hitting the wall.

"Zack …" Sephiroth began, rubbing his forehead.

"No!" Zack stepped forward, his teeth clenched. "Gettin' a little sick and tired of being treated like a fucking outsider! Have I not earned any standing in SOLDIER at all! Shit, Sephiroth! We're the only two 1st Classes left!"

Sephiroth was quiet for a while again. His fingertips drummed against the arm of the chair, and he looked as if he was thinking something over. Debating.

Zack shifted on his feet, growling a little impatiently.

"It was Professor Hojo who reported him KIA," Sephiroth finally said.

His eyebrows furrowed – greatly. "Hojo …? How … would he know that Mejia was KIA?"

"That, I'm not sure."

"And you believe him?" Zack said, almost an offended tone to his voice.

"Granted, he's not the most … credible source … but that's all we have to go by. I requested that the Investigative Department look further into this, but Tseng is refusing to do so."

"Figures." Zack threw his arms up into the air again, and they fell back down and slapped against his thighs. "This is bullshit. It can't be true."

Sephiroth studied Zack's expression, looking into his scorned face. He watched as the man fidgeted about, pacing. "Are you only thinking that because you weren't the one to take him down?"

"No, I'm saying it because I don't trust Hojo's word over anything," he said shortly. "In fact, if Mejia _himself_ walked up to me and told me that he was dead, I'd believe _him_ more than if _Hojo_ told me that."

Sephiroth chuckled a little. "That's a pretty strong opinion of the man."

Zack stopped his pacing. "Don't you feel the same way?"

"Perhaps."

"All I'm sayin' is that I'm not so sure I trust anything coming from anyone much nowadays."

"Not even me?"

Zack shrugged. "Well, you're different. I trust you."

"Because there's no one left to trust?"

"No! Because …" Zack trailed off, looking away at nothing in particular.

Now they were both silent. Sephiroth held his gaze on the SOLDIER, but received no eye contact. Zack looked a combination of both skepticism and what could have been relief as he mulled over this information. It was strange to see the normally cheerful man looking like this. Sephiroth hadn't been around the building much, or even in Midgar, but when he did cross paths with Zack in the past few months, he always seemed distraught.

He could tell Zack was deep in thought, as he started to pace again. He decided to spell it out for him; Zack always was a bit late in realizing things sometimes. "You realize what this means, right?"

"What?" Zack finally said, and it looked like he was refraining from nibbling on his thumbnail as he continued his trek back and forth in front of him.

"You'll be getting a little bit more privacy. You'll be considered a lower risk of deserting now that he's dead."

Zack scoffed, rolling his eyes at the last word. "Yeah … maybe."

"Zack, you can spend more time with that cadet friend of yours." Sephiroth frowned in thought as his name eluded him for a moment. "Strife, is it?" He couldn't help but smirk again when Zack seemed a bit perkier when he remembered his friend's name.

"Yeah … Strife," Zack said softly. "Cloud." He smiled. The skepticism in his face was gone now.

Sephiroth turned back around and used a few keyboard shortcuts to navigate to a different program on the computer. He typed in a few words – Cloud's name – and looked over the screen when the itinerary appeared for his unit. "His unit should be scheduled to end their training for the day in an hour. Why don't you-" Sephiroth turned back around, watching as Zack was already out the briefing room and scrambling down the hall.

* * *

It didn't take Cloud long to get back into the swing of full-duty again. While there were days where his body seemed tired and his head gave him troubles, he was quite eager to finally resume his life in the infantry. Exercise tired him out easily, rifle and materia practice gave him headaches, yet it all seemed to be worth the discomfort.

Full-duty meant no more sessions with the psychologist. His last one had been after his release from that hellish nightmare that was her office, but he would welcome many more with her, so long as it meant he was done with actually _working _there everyday. So even on full-duty he still saw her, but it was only a few times more. He tried to open up just a little bit more, and she seemed satisfied with that. It was rather an anti-climatic end to it all, as she just did an overview of his progress, which really didn't seem like much in retrospect, but she seemed satisfied. It was probably all that the company would allow anyway. So, it ended with her reminding him that it was a long road to recovery if walked alone, but if walked with loved ones, the journey wouldn't seem so daunting.

And that was it.

Everyday life now consisted of patrols, missions and training. The usual. And he was excited. This was what he was here for. This was what he left home for – to join and become SOLDIER.

And the SOLDIER exams would come up quick again, especially since the elite group seemed a bit thin as of late. Shortly after he resumed his duties, he noticed black suits hanging around the barracks lately, and that usually meant the Turks were scouting for potential SOLDIER members. He even noticed them watching in the hallways, and now he was more relieved to be off light-duty than ever. He was now going to try to push himself as hard as he could to make up for lost time. If his headaches would allow for it.

They would come and go quite frequently, as would his ability to stay focused at times. That was usually only if a long string of information was fed to him at one time, and even then it was hard to remember if his head had been clear to begin with. Luckily, he had Ratcliff to help him remember a few things that he might have missed, but it was still cumbersome.

The pills seemed to help when he felt the migraines coming on, and they certainly took the edge off them. It had only ever gotten as bad as the time that Ratcliff had to help him to the infirmary, and that was the night with Zack where he had another nightmare about Kalm. It was always the same. The feel of the gun, the sound of the man's voice … even the tingling in his body from the thunder spell. It all flooded him as if he were reliving it. By now, it wasn't anything new, and neither was the pain his head that was left with when he awoke. And now, taking those pills wasn't anything new, either.

In fact, he was silently willing the formation to march back faster to the barracks so he _could _take his pills. Dull throbbing was forming in his temples and behind his eyes, and with each footstep from the surrounding men, it seemed to amplify the pain and drill into his patience more. He heard himself let out a shuddering and relieved sigh when they exited the stairwell and the barracks came to view.

As the men entered, he could feel from the back of the formation that each man suddenly became tense. A silent clamor began to rise from each person, and Cloud could feel the excitement travel back to him. Cloud found himself rising up on his feet to peer over the shoulders of those in front of him so he could see who or what could be causing such a stir inside the barracks.  
Zack was relaxing on Cloud's bunk, one leg kicked up on a bent knee and Cloud's pillow was fluffed under his head as if this bunk was his own. Each member of the unit saluted him as they filed in, even though it looked as if he was asleep.

Cloud felt his heart immediately begin to race, and if his barrack mates had been facing him, he was sure to see their eyes burning right through him with curiosity. Zack wasn't simply _sitting _on his bunk … he was _lying_ on it. And the only thing that was preventing the term 'lying _in _it' from flying about his brain was the simple fact that he was on top of the blanket and not beneath it. It wouldn't have made the situation any less uncomfortable, regardless.

The men stopped in a line side by side in front of the rows of bunks, and Kunsel seemed to try to keep a straight face as he paced before them while also giving Zack a sideways glance. He loudly – and purposely – barked out the dismissal of the men, and it made Zack startle awake with a yelp. This caused a few men to snort either from amusement or shock, but it only just caused Cloud's face to lower deeper beneath his helmet. He even heard Ratcliff chuckle a little.

Everyone disbanded with a 'sir', then went to change out of their uniforms, or head to the chow hall, and some even just plopped down on their bunks fully dressed. Ratcliff was already walking up to Zack with a smile. Cloud just stood there.

Zack yawned casually and stood, arching his back so he could stretch his back out. He smiled at Cloud as he didn't move. "You guys are spoiled. When I was in the army division, the racks were much more lumpier."

Ratcliff grinned, tossing his helmet up onto his bunk. "Not that you were in for long, yeah? 3rd Class came quick."

Zack laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Not as quick as you might think."

"Ah, so quicker then, yeah?"

Zack just chuckled, shaking his head.

"W-what are you doing here?" Cloud finally said, finding himself smiling a bit too excitedly. He was resisting the urge to run up to him and wrap his arms about him. Zack suddenly looked as if he were trying to do the same.

"We're going out to celebrate."

Now Cloud's smile was unrestrained, and his excitement was very present in his voice. "Celebrate? What?"

Zack finally stepped up to him, giving him a brief touch on the shoulder. "C'mon, hurry! Scoot, scoot."

"Zack, what's going on? Why're you so excited?"

Zack looked over to Ratcliff, who was just standing and smiling softly at them. "Ratcliff, you too, buddy. You're coming as well."

Ratcliff blinked in surprise.

"What's going on?" Cloud couldn't help but laugh as Zack began to usher him out of the barracks. "Zack? You're scaring me!"

"We'll go to that ramen place again if you want."

"Stop ignoring me," Cloud said as he was shoved out of the barracks.

"I'm not ignoring you, I can hear you just fine. You're ignoring me 'cuz I'm telling you to move and you're not moving! Now, go!"

"Better listen to the man, Cloud," Ratcliff said from behind, chuckling.

"See? Ratcliff is a smart man. Now, move it. I have things to share. I'll tell you guys after dinner. My treat."

* * *

They walked to the little ramen shop, the two pestering Zack about the occasion the entire way. They eventually gave up when they realized he wasn't going to give, and so they seated themselves at the counter. They ordered their meals – Ratcliff only ordering one beer this time – and Cloud was the first to break his chopsticks and hold them.

_Properly_ this time.

The restaurant seemed brighter, and it wasn't until Zack saw Cloud smile did he realize why. The last time they were there, tension was high, secrecy was threaded through their every word and thought. But now, laughter was in control and Zack was determined to let this place etch a better memory into his mind.

It had only been a few months, and Cloud, who was once full of jitters and was constantly bouncing from anger to withdrawing in that very seat, was beside him again, twisting on the barstool happily as he ate. Every other word that he spoke, Zack was able to see glimmers of his teeth flashing beneath the lights above. Each lift of the corners of his mouth, each sparkle in his eye as he chuckled … it was all so corny to think about; yet, it was all he _wanted _to think about.

He could hardly remember the last time Cloud looked so natural. He racked his memory, trying to think of when he exuded such mirth as this, and he really couldn't think of a time. Cloud had seemed _happy_ in the past, especially when he first met him in the snow … but this … this was different.

Cloud placed his hand on Zack's knee and simply smiled.

Gods … Zack loved him.

They continued their meal, now both of their hands occupied on each other's knee beneath the counter. They kept them there the entire time, which made for eating difficult, but somehow they both managed.

Zack admittedly felt a bit bad during their dinner, as most of the time he was faced towards Cloud, even when Ratcliff was speaking, but the man seemed to understand. Ratcliff noticed the gaze the two had for each other, then just smiled politely. There was no way that gaze could have been competed with.

True to his word, Zack paid for the meal, but not without having to fight off both people from trying to stuff his pockets full of gil. The fight didn't last long, as Zack made it plenty clear that it was what he wanted to do, and they weren't about to question his honor, much less his tone of voice when he told them no.

Walking back to the headquarters was more pleasant this time around, as Ratcliff was not stinking drunk and wobbling about, and Cloud was of right mind and not preparing himself to beg Zack for sex afterwards. Although … if he was this time around …

"So, what the hell was all this about? Or was this just all an excuse to go out and eat?" Cloud asked, trotting beside him, his hand dangerously close to grabbing Zack's.

"Do I need an excuse for that?"

"Not if it fills my tummy, yeah. Make all the excuses you want," Ratcliff said, watching as the two walked a few paces ahead.

"Actually … I have some news for you. For both of you," Zack said, his voice becoming more serious.

Cloud swallowed hard, his hand now going up to Zack's, but to try and stop him from walking. He continued on, however. "What is it? You're not going on a long mission, are you?"

The worried look on Cloud's face was enough to make him want to cup his cheeks in his hands and kiss him until he was happy again. "No. Not that." He stopped as they neared the Shin-Ra building. He wanted to say this outside, so when they walked back into their life inside, it would stay out forever. He turned to face both of them, a weak smile twitching onto his lips. "Mejia's dead."

They both blinked.

One continued to blink, the other cupped a hand to his mouth, uttering some sound of shock.

"I'm … not even sure if I'm cleared to tell you guys this, but I can't keep this to myself. Not after what we've all been through because of him. He was reported KIA."

Neither moved.

"However he died, it was probably too good for him. He deserved it," Zack said, his voice not fluctuating in tone or seriousness.

Neither said anything.

"I don't know who killed him, but he's dead. He's gone. He … can't hurt us anymore." Zack looked to Cloud first, his eyebrows lifting on his face as if to encourage him to do or say something. But Cloud was surprisingly neutral-looking.

"Oh," was his neutral response.

He then looked to Ratcliff, who was gone.

They both noticed at the same time, turning to see the man running towards the building.

Zack frowned, looking back to Cloud dubiously. "What the hell? Did I say something wrong? I thought you two would be happy."

Cloud frowned back at him, but it was more of a sympathetic frown than one out of disappointment or anger. "They were a couple once."

"Oh," Zack said, shocked.

"Would you mind if I ran ahead with him?"

"N-no, go. Make sure he's … okay."

Cloud nodded and stepped to him, glancing around quickly. "Kiss?" he whispered. It was then that Zack could hear a tiny bit of sadness in his voice.

"Of course," Zack whispered back, leaning down and catching his lips quickly, but softly.

"Night, Zack," Cloud said, pulling away almost reluctantly. He shared a smile – albeit worried – and ran ahead, leaving Zack standing there in shock. Shock that should have been what Cloud was feeling then … and not him.

* * *

"Ratcliff! Wait!"

Ratcliff ignored Cloud as he entered the barracks, and he let the doors close behind him, unsure if he had closed them in Cloud's face. The hard slap against them and then the rough creak of them opening after told him that he had. He would have to apologize about that later when he wasn't busy crying.

Changing out of his uniform could be forgotten tonight, and as he started to climb up to his bunk he felt Cloud give him a harsh tug on his arm, spinning him around. He faced him, shame already on his face for having Cloud see him cry.

"What the hell? Why'd you run off like that and ignore me? I'm trying to talk to you."

"I'm sorry, yeah? Just … give me time to let this sink in."

Cloud looked angry, and Ratcliff could tell that he was trying not to be. He was sure that Cloud was relieved – he had to have been. In a way, Ratcliff was as well … like an old curse finally lifting after so many years of being plagued by it, but a small part of him was still hanging on.

"Why are you so upset? I don't see how you can be crying over someone like that! It's so stupid!"

"Cloud … I know it's stupid, but-"

"He raped you, didn't he?"

"He treated me bad, yeah. But … not at first."

Cloud looked surprised about this, and now his face was softening a bit. "Oh," he said, his voice lowering. "I thought it was bad from the start."

"Not really. He was all right. Just … a little hard around the edges, yeah."

Cloud stayed quiet, looking lost in thought for a moment. He was probably trying to connect how the personality of the man could have changed like that.

"Towards the end he got abusive. But … he was my first real relationship. Something I never experienced with the … other people … I was with in my past …" Ratcliff trailed off, now the one lost in thought. "We had good times." He found himself wiping at his eyes and sniffling.

"Did you …" Cloud started, looking up at him finally, "… love him?"

"I … don't really know," he said with a sigh. "It's hard for me to say that I love someone, yeah. I tried so many times with him, but I just couldn't say it. We never did tell each other that."

Cloud pressed his lips together, hesitating in asking what was on his mind. He eventually sat down on his bunk, and Ratcliff followed him, sitting beside him.

"Go on, Cloud. Just ask me, yeah? Don't be afraid." He reached up, giving him a gentle pat on the shoulder and he then wiped the last bit of tears from his face.

"Was he ever worth loving to begin with?"

Ratcliff wasn't expecting such a question, and yet somehow it wasn't so farfetched. He thought about it for a moment, listening to himself sniffle and Cloud shift nervously on the bunk. "I'd like to think that everyone can be worth loving to some extent."

"I don't know about that," Cloud murmured.

Ratcliff suddenly chuckled, deciding to change the subject. He didn't want to bring the boy down. Not when he should be relieved over hearing this news. He reached over and pulled Cloud into a shoulder hug. "You're so funny, yeah." He forced a grin as Cloud fidgeted in his grasp. "Have you told Zack you love him?"

Cloud stammered ridiculously for a while, turning bright red as Ratcliff finally let him go. "I … but … I … no."

"Well, don't you?"

"I … never really gave it thought."

"If you have to think about if you love someone or not, you don't really love that person, yeah," he said with a nod.

Cloud looked confused over this. "So …?" He looked at him hopefully.

"Don't look at me for the answer!" Ratcliff chuckled again, shaking his head. "Even though I think I already know it, yeah."

"So …" Cloud said again, slowly, waiting.

Ratcliff erupted into loud and teasing laughter. It too was forced, but a part of him was able to laugh from the innocent expression on the boy's face. It was made worse when that expression changed when Cloud finally realized the answer to his question, and he looked away in what could have been an enthralled embarrassment. "Finally get it, now?"

"Shut up," Cloud muttered, a smile tugging onto his face.

"Did Strife tell a funny?"

They looked up to see Kunsel walking over with papers in his hand. He handed them to Ratcliff as he sat down on Elici's bed across from them.

Ratcliff took the papers, glancing down at them. "No, sir," he said through dying laughter. "He just can't admit that he loves his _girlfriend_ and I find it hilarious."

Cloud glared at Ratcliff. "You ass. Don't start that, I swear."

"Damn, Strife!" Kunsel leaned forward, his hands on his knees. "You've been dating this broad for how long and you haven't said that yet?"

"But … I …"

"You guys just fuck buddies or something?"

"No! We haven't even-"

Kunsel cut him off quickly, his voice lowered to a hushed tone, yet was full of eagerness. "What the hell? You're saying you haven't boned her yet? I'm starting to think this girlfriend of yours doesn't exist."

Cloud groaned. "Can't we change the subject?"

"Do you need sex tips?" he said, just as eagerly, if not more. He even scooted closer to the edge of the bed. "I have quite a few stored up in my noggin."

Cloud frowned and fell quiet for a minute. He glanced between Ratcliff and Kunsel, his shoulders rolling through a casual shrug. "Well, maybe I can ask you guys a few questions … just don't make fun of me–"

Ratcliff suddenly cut him off. "These are orders … what the hell?"

Kunsel sat up straight, his jaw set. "I know," he said quietly.

Cloud looked over the orders, his eyes scanning the words, but not really being able to process them after a few sentences in.

"I'm … being sent out to search for Graves?"

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Forty: Eager.

Ending Author's Note: Well hello, everyone! Long time no see~~3 Sorry about the month wait, but it started doing my fingers some justice, but then I couldn't resist the computer for very long and was back on it, so yeah … they're getting numb again. *giggles* Thank you to all who wished me well! At least I can feel coins again between them!

So zomg! Finally! A time skip! Have I gone mad! Up until this point I've pretty much described like … every single day. I can't imagine how that would be a good thing, but I suppose it can't be a bad thing, yeah?

Wanna hear a funny story about this chapter? I originally wrote the first half of this to be for chapter twenty-five, believe it or not! Had to tweak things here and there, but yeah! I was gonna have this time skip a long time ago. Glad I didn't. It just wouldn't have been right. XD

So a few amazing friends of mine remembered that it was Malady's one-year anniversary on August the 20th, and so they got together and conspired against me … I mean … uh … came up with a little idea to celebrate. Soyna wrote this beautiful story with a little help from RinaLuffsPokemonBoys called "A Date to Remember". It's a Zack and Cloud fic that has to be Soyna's most sappiest story yet. XD It's such a beautiful story, and it made me cry. Literally. Rina was a first-hand witness in real life. XD We actually got to meet in August, as she flew in from her country to stay with me for a week, but that's another story~~

Here's the link (remove the spaces):

http: / www. fanfiction. net/ s/ 6255067/ 1/ A_Date_to_Remember

Djali was in on this too and is planning on having some artwork to go along with the fic soon! I'll be sure to have links to that in my profile. If you follow me on Twitter or on deviantART, then you'll be the first to know when those arrive! They're all so sweet to think of something like that! It hadn't even really crossed my mind that it was the one-year, let alone crossing my mind as anything important for cause for celebration.

Also, sorry if I didn't get around to replying to some of the reviews that I was left last time. The past few weeks have been insane and now have calmed down for a little bit. I'll have time to reply this week! Anyway, next chapter will be out Tuesday, September 21st. Ew … the day after I finally go back to work after a year off. Lol! DO NOT WANT. XD

Thank you for reading, everyone! See you next time …!

… WAIT. WTF. MEJIA IS DEAD!

Edit! OMFG EDIT (09-08-10): lady-yuna7 drew an awesome picture from Chapter Thirty-Six! It's Graves and Barret glaring at each other from the very beginning! I love Graves' expression in it! It's so funny! Go here to view and comment and fave and all that fun stuff! (remove the spaces first!):

http : / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Chapter-36-178501645

I seriously can't stop giggling at his expression. It's just priceless. XD Thank you lady-yuna! I love chu! 8D


	40. Chapter Forty: Eager

Chapter Forty: Eager

* * *

It had been so long – a little over three months since Graves deserted. Kunsel had tried his best to cover for him, and to cover up his tracks, but it only could last for so long before something or _someone_ had to give. People started to ask questions, and lies and evasion ceased to work.

Ratcliff had left with Pawn, Haskin and 2nd Class Luxiere. Kunsel tried to swap himself with Luxiere, but the orders were already finalized and no amount of talking or bribing would have worked to get them amended in his favor. Kunsel was upset, as if he were letting Cloud down, and after Ratcliff had read the orders aloud, he apologized to both of them a few times in earnest. It was out of his hands, and their only hope was that Graves was lying low this whole time, and would continue to lie low. The only consolation he could give Ratcliff was to offer his phone number to him in case he needed any bit of information.

Tension was high, but only for Ratcliff. The rest of the team seemed relaxed, perhaps even eager. The shortage of SOLDIERs left the ones that were still around in disarray, and leading the army units deemed difficult. Such little manpower led to the army division to finally implement the new chain of command, and Haskin had been one of the men promoted to a commander. Aside from the green muffler being changed to a red one on his uniform, he was still the same Haskin – firm, serious, dutiful.

Luxiere was nice, perhaps even a bit timid. But he spoke of having worked with 1st Class Zack Fair on a few occasions, and that seemed to be enough to get his blood pumping and a motivation to perform well going in him. He had an eager-to-please attitude, and any other time Ratcliff would have enjoyed that sort of demeanor, but now it was worrisome.

Pawn seemed to be the only one he could trust, and it wasn't that the boy had proved that he was trustworthy, it was just that he was very quiet and shy. Maybe even _persuadable_, if need be. They had spent time together a few times and Ratcliff knew him well enough to call him a friend over calling him a comrade, so that gave him a shred of confidence, if not blind hope.

They had now been gone for nine days together. They were first mobilized to patrol through Midgar. The upper plate was combed through with the help of other infantrymen, and the slums were combed through, as well. A few men had been ordered to search the bar that Elici's wife and family managed in Sector 7, and Ratcliff insisted to do it himself. At first, Haskin was reluctant to allow this, but Ratcliff was able to convince him that Graves would come out of hiding if it were to be himself that spoke with him. So Ratcliff was allowed to enter the bar. He went with worry, even if he knew Graves wouldn't be there.

Elici's wife was happy to see him, and it made Ratcliff realize that he hadn't even contacted her to see how she had been doing all this time. She looked tired, but smiled whenever Elici was mentioned, even if a pained look did cross her eyes. Even Elici's son had recognized Ratcliff and ran up to him to give him a hug around his knees.

Ratcliff couldn't even look at any of them from both pity and his own shame.

She did reveal that Graves had stopped by, looking as if he were on some sort of leave. The seabag that he was carrying had given it all away. But Ratcliff didn't bother asking her for any more details, and instead, asked for a drink. Elici's wife didn't bother asking him what kind; she knew what he liked after knowing him for a few years.

He left the bar knowing the same amount of information as he did before he went in; yet he left with all the more guilt.

The search for Graves in Midgar was abandoned after two days when information was brought in from the Investigative Department. The Turks had discovered that there were sightings in both Junon and Costa del Sol of a man matching Graves' description two months prior. So they were flown into Junon and spent a day searching with the infantrymen stationed at the base for the man. It turned up fruitless. The base was set on an alert, and then they were shipped off to Costa del Sol on the western continent.

The town was in the remains of shambles. Construction was going on throughout and tourists were sparse. Ratcliff had heard of the clone attack on the town, but hadn't realized how intense it had been until remnants of bullet holes and bloodstains were apparent in some places still. He had always heard that the people were friendly and open, but now there were too few people to actually live up to that notion. The ones that the team did manage to interview were withdrawn and wary of them.

The infirmary was where the information on Graves, or at least, someone _matching _Graves' description had came from. So the team was directed there in their orders for further investigating. The infirmary staff had already been interviewed by the Turks during the initial incident, but at that time the Turks hadn't realized that it was potentially a member of Shin-Ra that destroyed the room, and hadn't made the connection yet.

But the descriptions were uncanny. And the excited reactions from Luxiere and Haskin were unnerving, at least for Ratcliff. They had interviewed a few more people – especially in the bar – and they too confirmed what Ratcliff was hoping against. Luxiere was anxious to continue on.

Much to Ratcliff's dismay, the decision to fly into Corel was made when nothing more surfaced in Costa del Sol. They would spend a few nights there in Graves' hometown to investigate and interview his family. Graves seldom spoke of them, but from what Ratcliff heard, they were ornery and short-tempered, just like he was. He couldn't imagine that they would give away his whereabouts, even if they did know where he was.

And, of course, his family didn't. In fact, the whole town was tight-lipped. They had spent the first day there going about and asking around, especially in the Mine Pub, but each person was reluctant to speak. The only ones that did were members of Shin-Ra that were stationed there for the new reactor. Most of them didn't have a very good memory, and some had been just recently sent there on assignment, so they were not much help.

Now, Luxiere was getting a bit desperate for information. After about five days on the mission, they were no more closer to finding their target than they had been at the start. So they returned to Graves' home again with a bit more aggression.

Graves' uncle was an impressively-sized man with a matching voice and scowl. At first he was neutral towards them, perhaps even unfazed that they were there looking for Graves, but as they pressed on, he became more defensive and even managed to intimidate the two in charge a bit. It was an understandable reaction from the uncle, but it left both Luxiere and Haskin questioning the man's honesty in the end.

Ratcliff tried to convince them both that Graves had little to nothing to do with his family anymore, and that he would never return to them if on the run. They only looked to Ratcliff with the same questioning gaze as they had for the uncle. But, they considered this for a moment and then continued on in the town.

During the night, they were each put on a fire watch. One would take turns guarding Graves' home for any signs of him, and one would guard the exit of the town. They would switch after a few hours to get some sleep at the inn. Nothing but the desert wind and sand blew past.

The fire watch proved pointless. And very, very cold.

The heat of the desert came back strong again in the morning, as did the resolve to pick through the town for clues. A new approach on the mission came about when Haskin proposed the idea of no longer asking the townspeople about Graves, but about _Mejia_. The idea was brought about after an hour or so of brainstorming. _Why _had Graves run? What would his motives be for leaving? They pieced together a theory – a correct theory – and decided that it was for revenge. The townspeople wouldn't rat out on one of their own, but ratting out a stranger was another story.

Ratcliff stayed silent through all this.

The change of tactic worked, and their first break came from someone working in a shop who confirmed a man that had matched Mejia's description to pass through, asking directions to Nibelheim. It was their only break, but was enough for that eager aura to swell up in the two in charge again, and for dread to fall over Ratcliff again.

A helicopter was radioed in from Costa del Sol, and by early evening, they took to the skies and over the mountains to head there.

* * *

Mejia was dead.

He was _dead_.

Mejia was … dead?

Why had it just now hit him?

Zack had told him this over a week ago, and now, in this innocent moment with the man, Cloud was struck with the realization. He didn't know what triggered the thought, and he didn't know what suddenly triggered the lump that was growing in his throat.

His drink was slowly lowered down onto the coffee table. He wasn't aware that he had stopped talking mid-sentence as they watched television together and conversed. Zack sat beside him with a concerned look on his face when the conversation went cold.

"Cloud?"

Cloud flinched at Zack's voice, his hand knocking the glass over with a loud clatter. It hit the surface of the table and caused him to jump again. He only muttered a few half-hearted apologies as he went to get a towel to clean the mess.

Zack held a hand out and stopped him, his eyes narrowing as he stood, and he disappeared into the bathroom to grab a hand towel for Cloud. He came back out into the living room, only to leave again to grab Cloud a tissue when he began to cry.

He came back out and slipped onto the couch, ignoring the juice that fell onto his carpet for the tears that fell on Cloud's face instead. He didn't have to ask what was wrong. The expression on Cloud's face – haunted, shocked – said what he needed to know. Zack was expecting this sooner or later.

Zack wrapped his arms around Cloud's shoulders and brought him close. Even when his crying eventually died down and his thick breathing was all that was left, Zack still held him. Even when he tried to pull away, Zack still held him.

Cloud managed to lift his head through Zack's tight grip. A small and shy smile appeared on his face, and perhaps it was a bit forced, but Zack found himself smiling back. Cloud went to say something, most likely an apology or an excuse for crying, but Zack stopped him with a hush and a kiss on the lips.

"It's okay," he whispered.

Cloud nodded slowly.

Zack leaned back on the couch, pulling the boy onto his chest. He smoothed away some strands of his hair, fighting with a few that were plastered against his skin from his tears. "It's … really okay," he whispered again, and maybe he was saying it for himself, too.

"I know." Cloud reached up, and he brushed the long strand of hair away from Zack's face, mimicking the man's tender action. "He's … gone."

"He is," Zack whispered once more.

"I just … don't know how to feel about it."

Zack turned his head, giving Cloud's palm a few kisses as it was stroking his cheek. "However you're feeling right now, and however you will feel in the future will be what you're supposed to be feeling."

Cloud chuckled breathlessly, shaking his head as the last bit of tears in his eyes disappeared. "Now I'm feeling confused over what you just said."

Zack grinned a little. "I suppose what I'm trying to say is, is that anything you feel from this will be okay. Happy, sad, angry …" Zack trailed off a moment as he kissed Cloud's hand a few more times. "It's all to be expected. I kind of went through a few of those emotions already, some of which I couldn't tell you why I was feeling that way."

"Like feeling sad?" Cloud said, his voice almost knowing.

"Yeah."

Cloud pulled his hand away and lowered his head down onto Zack's chest. "I don't know why I feel sad. I shouldn't be crying over that. He's gone, and I should be happy. Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself."

"Well, if that's true, you have every right after what he put you through."

"No … I shouldn't be sad and I shouldn't be sorry. At least … not anymore."

"Then maybe it's time to make a change," Zack said warmly. He wasn't sure what else he could say.

Cloud nodded, staring into the television that flashed before them that went ignored. "But, why are you sad over it? Because you weren't the one to kill him?"

Zack frowned, growing quiet. He looked away from Cloud, even though the boy wasn't looking at him. It was more regret and maybe even jealousy that he felt than anything else. Zack wasn't feeling sorry for himself, he was feeling sorry for Cloud. For Cloud having to go through all this, for Cloud having to think that he was alone in all this and that he had to deal with it alone. He never wanted Cloud to think that way from the start, but there had been no stopping him, and he never could blame him. He often wondered if he would feel the same way if the same thing happened to him.

"Yeah," he finally said. "I guess it's a silly reason to feel sorry for myself, but I don't know why else I would."

Cloud was quiet now, and Zack became worried that he had offended him. But when he sucked in a breath to speak, Zack relaxed, if only a little. "No … not silly. I guess it could make sense when you think about it. I can see why you would have wanted to be the one …"

"I guess sometimes you can't really explain why you feel a certain way … you just do. There can't always be an explanation why we feel things. Know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean," Cloud muttered. "Don't worry."

"I hope that all didn't sound selfish," Zack said, frowning again.

Cloud shook his head, then nuzzled against Zack's chest, his hand coming to rest over his heart. "No, it's okay. Maybe soon we'll start to feel glad that he's gone." Cloud couldn't help but to frown at his own words.

"Maybe." Zack stroked his head, staring up at the ceiling. A long time passed between them, and neither really knew what to say anymore. It was only interrupted when Cloud sat up and mumbled something about cleaning up the carpet. Zack had forgotten that the juice had spilled, and now it would be pointless to clean it up. The stain was already set in the fibers.

But Cloud was already dabbing at the stain with the towel, so Zack slid off the couch to help him. They still didn't say much between each other, and Zack was fearing that he might have really offended him and Cloud was just trying to play it off. His face was rather bland, almost emotionless and what Zack had said did seem selfish.

Now, it had gotten too quiet for Zack, so he started up a rather silly conversation about how he had spilled juice on his mother's imported Wutaian rug when he was younger. He had tried to cover it up by rearranging the furniture in their small house over the stain, but his mother was always able to tell when he was guilty or lying because his nose twitched like the nose on a rabbit. He even tried to cover _that _up by wiping at his nose with his hand as if he were sick, but his mother caught on after a while. He admitted that he wasn't sure what he grew out of first – the tell-all nose twitching or the boyish lying. Regardless, he was forced to clean the rug and was always forced to have his hands down at his sides when he was being interrogated by his parents over anything.

The story served its purpose and lightened the mood. More importantly, it sent Cloud's laughter through the silence. It made him sheepishly admit that he, too, had a tell-all when it came to lying, and that was that he was just a terrible liar, and his mother always knew – plain and simple. Now their laughter mingled.

The stain was cleaned as best as it could for it being cranberry juice and for the carpet being of a lighter cream color. Cloud's apologies were once again stopped from being spoken with a few kisses and a slap on the butt with the wet towel when they stood. Cloud growled at Zack, as his pants were now splattered with juice, as were spots on the floor where they stood.

"That wasn't very smart!" Cloud scoffed, twisting around to see the damage on his jeans. "Laundry day isn't for another few days, and now my ass is sticky."

A lot of will power went into Zack's tongue to not say the horribly tacky innuendo that came to mind then. He decided to play it safe from the narrowed blue eyes that stared at him, demanding some sort of answer to the sticky dilemma. "I do own a shower."

"That doesn't solve my laundry problem."

"Sure it does. Just don't wear anything when you get out."

Cloud rubbed his face with a defeated sigh. "You did this on purpose, didn't you?"

"What? This?" Zack snapped the towel against him again, grinning as juice not only soaked even more into his pants, but splattered onto the walls now.

"Knock it off! How irresponsible can you possibly be?" Cloud was grimacing, his fingers already fumbling at the fly of his pants to tug them down. "Now we have to clean the walls, too."

"You just worry about cleaning up your ass, and I'll worry about the walls." Zack shooed him off towards the bathroom. "Go."

Cloud grumbled something about childish behavior and creating unnecessary work for the sake of fun and disappeared into the bathroom.

The shower began to run after a moment, and Zack had no intention to tend to the mess he just created in the living room. He slipped into the bathroom after Cloud situated himself in there. They had only taken a shower once together, and it was more nerve-racking and awkward than anything else.

His intentions then were clean – for lack of a better phrase – as they were now. But if something were to come of this, he wouldn't stop it.

He heard Cloud gasp a little as he pulled back the curtain just enough for him to slip in. The metal screech of the rings on the rod was what Zack thought had frightened him at first, but as he entered, he could see that Cloud's eyes were red.

"Baby," he murmured, watching as Cloud quickly turned away from him, holding a washcloth close to his chest. Whether it was out of embarrassment that they were showering together, or shame that he was crying once again, Zack wasn't sure. Why he would be crying again, he still wasn't sure.

"Shouldn't you be cleaning?" Cloud said, his voice surprisingly steady.

Zack grabbed his body wash and offered up a stupid grin as a response.

"I meant the walls."

He ignored him. "Were you crying again?"

"What?" Cloud turned around, frowning. "No."

Zack frowned as well, motioning to his face. "Your eyes are kinda red."

Cloud turned around again, but only to try and see his reflection in the shower knobs. He didn't realize that he gave Zack quite a view as he bent slightly to do this. "Oh, that's strange. I've had a headache, that might be it." Cloud glanced over his shoulder at Zack, his eyes catching Zack's aimed down at his backside.

Zack blinked once he realized that Cloud was looking at him, and he quickly stammered and flicked his eyes back up to his face. "Headache? How bad?" He couldn't help but grin a little after being caught staring.

"What were you staring at?"

"Nothing."

Cloud peered at his face closely. "Your nose _does _twitch when you lie."

A hand was quickly slapped to his nose, and Zack heard a rather sheepish chuckle come from behind it. "I just was admiring the red mark the towel left." Still a slight lie.

Now Cloud's face was what was red and he looked down at the washcloth to take his attention out on it. "Just take a shower," he said coldly.

Zack chuckled once more, his hands running across Cloud's wet shoulders. He could already smell the spicy scent of his body wash on Cloud's skin, and he wanted to get closer to him. Cloud tensed a little as he stepped to him, but relaxed when Zack only set his chin down on one of his shoulders from behind. "Sure you weren't crying again?" Zack whispered softly, wrapping his arms around the blond.

"Yeah, honest. I wasn't crying. I realized how stupid it was to cry over that."

Zack began to rock him as they stood beneath the stream of the shower. "I was just making sure." He turned his head, kissing Cloud's cheek. He continued to hold him, despite Cloud trying to shrug himself away to finish washing himself. Zack wasn't about to let him go.

Cloud realized this and stood relatively still, only his hands kneaded the washcloth together to lather the soap more.

"Want me?"

"W-what? Want you what?" Cloud turned his head quickly, his eyes wide.

Zack was nodding to the washcloth, his eyebrows raised.

"Oh, s-sure." Cloud turned away, looking very embarrassed. He held the washcloth over his shoulder as Zack took it and stepped back.

He began to wash his back for him, gently running the cloth over his shoulder blades and down to his hips. Cloud murmured something about having already washed himself, but Zack ignored him and continued.

His hand went lower, passing over his cheeks and down to the back of his thighs. He smiled as Cloud turned his head away from him even further than it already was, trying to hide both the nervousness and the anticipation in his face. Zack brought his hand back up, finding that it was trembling just a bit, increasing with the pace of his heartbeat. His hand lingered.

Cloud's breathing started to quicken and he tried to step away, but Zack only followed him. Zack's hand circled one of his cheeks and up to his back again, sliding around to his abdomen. Cloud squirmed a bit.

Now, the cloth was circling down his stomach, coming to rest above his groin. Zack's eyes glanced over his shoulder, and he heard himself groan a little at the sight below his hand. Cloud was hard, his erection twitching when Zack's hand would lower dangerously close. He almost seemed frustrated when Zack didn't venture any further.

Instead, he lowered his head down, warm water dripping from his lips onto Cloud's shoulder as he kissed him. He moved to his neck, tasting clean skin as he left hints of his tongue between kisses. He smiled as he heard what sounded like a whimper from Cloud as his hand slid away from his stomach and back behind him again.

Another whimper escaped Cloud as he suddenly turned his head, catching Zack's lips with his own. It was needy, yet still restrained with the light pressure of it. It was enough to urge Zack to want to taste more and to break down more of that restraint. His tongue lapped at Cloud's mouth and he was surprised when it didn't take long before he was tasting Cloud's.

The washcloth was dropped with a plop, Zack's hand now gripping Cloud's behind. Cloud craned his neck, wanting to twist his body around into Zack's chest, but Zack kept him where he was, reaffirming this by giving his cheek a tight squeeze. They both moaned into each other's mouth.

Water poured over them as they continued to kiss, the heat of their bodies, from being meshed together, making everything seem stifling. Zack heard his name being muttered between the swirling of their tongues; Cloud felt Zack's heartbeat thump against his back.

Zack moaned again, his erection brushing up against Cloud's behind as he held tight. He couldn't stop himself from thrusting his hips against him, fueled by the aggressive tongue in his mouth. He placed his hand on Cloud's shoulder, pushing him forward as he broke the kiss. Cloud went along, but his head turned quickly, and widened eyes looked at Zack.

Zack's bottom lip was clenched between his teeth, his hands smoothing over Cloud's back and with his gaze nowhere near Cloud's face. A hazy look was in his eyes as they trailed along with the movements of his stroking. It was a longing look … hungry and needy. He groaned quietly.

Cloud could feel Zack's fingertips scraping lightly down his spine, calloused palms passing over his bottom again. He tensed when Zack's fingers began to press between his cheeks. "Z-Zack!" Cloud said, gasping. "Y-you're not gonna …"

Cloud's pleading tone seemed to snap Zack out of whatever haze he was in and he removed his hand quickly. "No, g-gods, Cloud." He took a step back, pulling Cloud up to a standing position once more. "Don't worry. I won't … u-unless you want me to."

Cloud shook his head nervously as he turned in Zack's arms. "Not … now, please."

"Of course," Zack mumbled, kissing his lips a few times. "Sorry if I crossed a line."

"No, it's okay. Just … not here."

Zack nodded, bringing Cloud close. He felt the boy suddenly flinch against him and he glanced down at him worriedly, hearing Cloud release a soft moan. "Baby?" He was still for a moment, and Zack's heart began to race.

But Cloud moaned again, his hips starting to thrust against Zack's. It was then he realized Cloud was moaning in pleasure. Their erections were sliding against each other.

Zack's restraint was slipping now as he watched Cloud moving against him slightly. It was getting hard to stop himself, but he still allowed his hands to continue roaming.

He wanted Cloud. _Bad_. His thoughts had been increasing lately about making love to him and it was more than a little frustrating. He was ashamed with himself for losing control for even just a moment, and for even considering doing _that _in the shower for the first time. Cloud deserved better than that … they both did.

But the hard heat sliding against his own was making not thinking about bending the blond over and screwing him senseless very difficult. The water was adding to the sensation and was made worse when Zack found himself wrapping his arm around Cloud's back and pressing them together. Cloud buried his face into his neck and moaned – loudly.

"Shit, Cloud," Zack muttered between clenched teeth. Both of their hips moved together now. "A-are you done in here?"

"Y-yeah, done."

Zack pulled away, twisting the knobs quickly to shut the water off. His shaking hand tugged back the curtains, and both were too focused on each other to cringe at the metallic screech. Zack stepped out of the shower, pulling Cloud with him, having to help support him when he nearly tripped over the side of the tub in their haste.

They ignored their towels, bodies moving towards Zack's bedroom, leaving trails of water behind them as they kissed. A wet hand reached out behind, feeling around for the doorway, guiding the other into the room safely. They made it to the bed, and Zack lowered down on top of Cloud, his tongue leaving his mouth to trail down his neck.

Cloud turned his head, his fingers lacing through Zack's wet hair. His panting was interrupted by a moan when Zack's body started to move against his, and their erections began to rub against each other once again. He heard himself swear softly, and again more loudly when Zack nipped at his neck. It was a rough bite, perhaps too rough, as he heard Zack murmur an apology afterwards.

Zack passed his tongue over the mark, soothing it. He licked down to his collar bone, collecting the water droplets littering Cloud's skin. He saw them glimmering in the fading sunlight from his window as their bodies moved together.

But the slickness between them was beginning to dry, and Cloud's moaning became quieter. Zack lifted his head, frowning when Cloud made a noise of disapproval, so his thrusting stopped. "What's wrong?"

"Not … wet anymore." Cloud looked away, embarrassed.

"Hang on." Zack slid off him and flopped over the side of the bed to his nightstand. He rummaged around a bit and soon pulled out a bottle of lubrication. He hadn't used it in a while. He glanced down to the expiration date.

Cloud peered at the bottle for a bit, but then his eyes widened when he realized what it was, and his face turned red a few seconds later. "W-wait, you're not gonna …"

Zack crawled back over to him, kissing his forehead softly. "It's a little old, but it's not expired yet. We'll need a new bottle eventually."

"But … what are you g-gonna do with it? Are we gonna …?" Cloud swallowed hard.

"Just relax. We can use it to play." He flicked open the cap, glancing at Cloud's worried face. "Just trust me."

"I trust you."

Zack chuckled. "Then why do you look so nervous?"

He was quiet for a minute, his mouth opening and closing as if he were trying to force out his next sentence. "Why is it half-used?" he eventually whispered.

"Well," Zack said, clearing his throat quickly, "I've had it for a while …"

Cloud looked away, towards the door.

It was then Zack realized he never really spoke with Cloud about his past lovers. He frowned, wondering if now was the time and place and if it would bother him. "Two and a half."

"What?"

"You're wondering how many people I've been with, right?"

Cloud said nothing.

"Two and a half."

"Half?"

"The half … we just … messed around."

"So you've … done it before?"

Zack cleared his throat again, closing the bottle. "Yeah."

"Women or –"

"Women, yes."

"Oh." Cloud nodded a few times, rather numbly.

"But most of it I used myself …"

Cloud snorted, but didn't laugh afterwards. "Yourself …?"

Zack smirked a little.

A brief moment passed between them, and Cloud finally spoke. "Does it … feel really good?" Cloud turned his head towards his direction, but still didn't look at him. His face was terribly red.

"Very good."

Cloud's eyes flickered up to Zack's, then down to the bottle.

Zack flicked open the cap again, kissing Cloud deeply. "It'll be cold at first, okay?"

Cloud nodded, watching as Zack pulled away and drizzled some down on himself first. He hissed a little, the muscles in his stomach jumping as the cold liquid rolled down his member. Cloud's stomach did the same when Zack finally poured some onto him. He hissed as well.

"Sorry, it'll get warm soon," Zack whispered as he rubbed his hand along himself, coating his length entirely. "You too, baby."

Cloud just shook his head silently, looking away.

Zack chuckled and lowered down, kissing his neck. "Don't want to touch yourself in front of me?"

Cloud, again, said nothing.

And he didn't utter a sound until Zack pressed himself against him and started to thrust again. A moan slipped out then, his eyelids fluttering as their slick members began to rub together once more.

Zack moaned as well. He watched as Cloud still had his head turned, looking very embarrassed, yet the arching of his eyebrows told him that the boy was starting to feel lost in the new sensation. The liquid began to warm up, as promised, and more and more sounds began to flood the room.

It felt good. But what was making it feel amazing was the simple thought of what they were doing, what it _looked _like they were doing … what they _could _be doing if Zack were only a little bit lower. Their heart beats were as fast as they would have been had they been making love, and their minds churned just as erratically.

Cloud was now whimpering, his legs rising up around Zack's waist in lust, but then lowering in hesitation. He seemed conflicted, wanting to get closer to him, to make the pleasure even more intense, but his own insecurities battled against that yearning. He continued this, even when Zack slowed down to watch him more closely.

Zack couldn't help but chuckle at Cloud's actions. There was an apparent need to make something feel better for himself, but the boy refused to just give in. "Here," Zack whispered, sliding Cloud's legs up to his waist, "it's okay. Do what you feel like doing, Cloud."

Nervous eyes opened with a shake of his head, and Cloud lowered his legs back down to the mattress. "I-It's okay."

"I don't mind, and neither should you," he whispered again, nuzzling his nose against Cloud's cheek before placing several pecks against his jawline.

Cloud moaned a response as Zack began to pick up his pace, their bodies now rocking together. His legs lifted again, but then they sank back down, still unsure of himself. Everything was now becoming unbearably hot between them, even the water that dripped from their wet hair seemed to hold an intense heat. There was no time to try to lift his legs again.

The slickness quickly brought Cloud to cry out, his voice strengthening as Zack moved faster. His own moans were muffled against Cloud's ear as he clutched onto his shoulders. He heard Cloud mutter a frantic warning, but Zack could feel his member becoming hard and throbbing.

Zack cried out, "Cloud, just do it!"

Cloud stiffened against him, his body ceasing his own thrusting as he came. His head turned to the side, trying to bury his face in the pillow beneath him, but Zack was still able to watch the beautiful expression on his face.

And he felt even more hot liquid spread between them, and the feeling alone pushed Zack over. He released with a low whine, trying to quiet himself so he could continue to hear Cloud's frantic moans through it all. But the feeling of their seed against their bodies, mixing, made him lose it, and his restrained sounds broke free.

Zack lowered himself on top of Cloud, his head nodding down against Cloud's neck. He heard himself swear a few times, and even Cloud murmur something incoherently against him. Neither could really speak.

They eventually relaxed, both shivering as their body temperature began to cool off. Zack started to paw around for the blanket, but Cloud made a grunt of disapproval.

"Zack, no. We need to clean off," Cloud muttered, sounding as if he were already beginning to drift off.

Zack groaned, lifting his head reluctantly. He was fighting to keep his eyes open as he glanced around the bed and floor for something they could use. "Fuck. We didn't bring a towel with us." Zack peered over the bed, only lifting himself off Cloud's body enough to run his hand beneath the bed. "Maybe there's a sock or something we can use."

Cloud made a face, looking quite disgusted. "A sock? That's gross."

Zack smirked at Cloud sarcastically. "Like you've never used a sock before when you've touched yourself."

Cloud just looked away, muttering that he didn't touch himself. He sounded anything but convincing.

"I find that hard to believe." He was quiet for a moment, that smirk turning into a grin. "But we'll see about that."

There was no sock nearby that Zack was able to find, so they opted to use their tongues instead.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-One: Resolve.

Ending Author's short-for-once Note: Hello. :3 Just a quick note: A fire watch is a term for when members of armed forces take turns guarding a person, place or thing, just in case you were wondering.

Hurrhurr, naughty boys are naughty. Zack's getting a wee bit frustrated, and Cloud seems to be opening up just a bit more … lol just a bit.

WELL. This chapter was posted just a bit sooner than usual. It's nearly midnight here, and guess where I'm going? Work. At midnight. *is shot* So I had to post it before I left. Hurray for graveyard...*sobs*

Methinks I'm going to hold off for three weeks this time. Just until my body can get used to a) going back to work after an entire year off recovering from surgery, and b) going back to work and working GRAVEYARD after an entire year off recovering from surgery. Until my body can become accustomed to sleeping during the day and being awake at night, my concentration for writing will go to shit.

So Tuesday, October 12th, my friends. Thanks for reading and reviewing, and I'll eventually get to responding. I didn't the last time because crazy busy has been crazy.

Oh! Moar fan-art! By lady-yuna7! From chapter thirty-six. Lol Graves...Barret...

http: / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Chapter-36-178501645

Graves' face makes me gigglesnort. XD

Time for work...OTZ


	41. Chapter FortyOne: Resolve

Chapter Forty-One: Resolve

* * *

It had been a beautiful dinner together – Wutaian barbeque again. It was the same place as their first date, but this had not been an especially special occasion. It wasn't any more special than seeing each other any other time, but it was still … special.

Confusing to think about, but that was how they both felt around each other – like each moment was casual … yet amazing.

_Amazingly casual?_

Zack smiled to himself a little, trying to occupy his wandering thoughts. He tried to focus on anything but the struggle that had been plaguing him for a few months now, and as he turned his head towards the young blond beside him, he knew he was losing to it. It was mostly an enjoyable struggle, one that he wished he could always endure with the boy, but the closer he came to losing, the closer he came to realizing that a great unknown lay behind it.

He was always certain – he was certain of this. Yet he couldn't help but wonder the inevitable 'what if's with something as important as this. It wasn't a matter of the words he would say … it was how he would say it and when he would say it. He had been preparing himself for a while, trying to set up a good time when the mood was lighthearted and when Cloud seemed to be more receptive towards his _sap_. He had tried, but lost his nerve the moment that the blond would look at him with those expressive eyes and that cute smile …

He could just blurt it, and he had thought about doing this, but thinking about blurting something wasn't exactly blurting it. It would just come out sounding contrived and a little more than awkward.

And he wasn't sure how Cloud would react to it anyway. He couldn't imagine him swooning and so openly declaring his love back to him like people did in the movies. He couldn't imagine him laughing it off, or brushing it aside either. Grasping onto any idea of what would happen when he actually would tell Cloud was damn near impossible, and it was driving him delightfully mad.

"You're being unusually quiet tonight. Is there … something wrong?"

Zack was brought out of his reverie, his eyes opening to a starry night above him and to Cloud propped up on his elbows giving him an inquisitive look. He sat up, grinning sheepishly. "No. Nothing wrong."

"Then what're you thinking about?"

He shrugged and watched as Cloud lowered himself back down onto the grass. After dinner, neither had really felt like going back to the building, so they found a little park to relax in that was nearby the restaurant. It had a few swings and surprisingly a decent patch of grass growing. Even on the upper plates there wasn't much greenery, as the fumes from the mako reactors would tend to make it hard to grow plants even in rich and imported soil.

"I'm thinking about how moogles' pom-poms don't hit their nose when they walk."

Cloud snorted a laugh. "What? Really?"

"No!" Zack laughed as well, but louder, almost forced. "Well, I wasn't thinking about it right now, but I have thought about it before."

"That's so ridiculous. What a waste of mental energy."

"It's not! Think about it. Their pom-poms are so floppy and their noses are so large …"

Cloud was quiet for a moment, and then his face twisted into an unbelievable frown. "I can't believe you just got me to think about that."

Zack laughed again, and eventually it died into nothing. Normally he would run with that and tease Cloud a bit further, but his mind was too busy … running. Apprehension struck him immediately when he realized he still didn't answer Cloud's question properly, but Cloud seemed to have dropped the subject for now.

A strange silence fell over them, and Zack could see Cloud glance over at him every now and then from the corner of his eye. He shifted a little, even made a small sound of discomfort. Zack wasn't sure if that was from the sudden awkwardness or something else.

"Zack?" Cloud's soft voice finally broke the silence. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Why would you say that?" Zack looked at him, trying to right his face into looking neutral. He knew he must have looked a little flustered over his own thoughts.

"You just seem … bothered."

"I'm fine, Cloud," Zack said, knowing that it must not have sounded like he was.

"You would tell me if I did something wrong to upset you, right?"

"Of course I would, but you haven't, so don't worry about it," he said quickly. He really didn't want Cloud to pry a love confession out of him now like this. He was starting to feel a bit irked.

Cloud seemed to have ignored him and fidgeted nervously. "Are you sure? If I did something wrong, just tell me. I'm sorry if I have."

Zack winced at that word and the stressful expression on Cloud's face. "Cloud! Enough," he said firmly. Cloud recoiled, and Zack immediately softened his voice, chuckling. "Everything is okay. Don't worry about it." He smiled and threaded his fingers through Cloud's, giving his hand a tight and reassuring squeeze.

"I'm sorry."

"Where on Gaia did you possibly pick up that bad habit of constantly apologizing?" Zack asked earnestly.

Cloud seemed taken aback at first, but then a small smile broke out onto his face. "My mom," he said hesitantly. "She apologizes for everything, even when it isn't her fault. I remember when I was really young, I had this drinking glass with these little pigs on them. It was my favorite glass …" Cloud trailed off for a moment, turning slightly pink in the cheeks when he realized he was smiling rather widely over the thought of his old childhood cup. He shook his head quickly to dismiss it. "A-anyway, I accidently broke it one day and she apologized to _me_ because I broke it. Like it was her fault that I was clumsy with it."

"Little pigs?"

"Shut up," Cloud growled, giving Zack a nudge on the shoulder. "It used to bug me when she would apologize to me like that. I started to remind her to stop when I got older and grew more tired of hearing it out of her mouth every other word."

Zack gave out a single laugh. "You should practice what you preach!"

Cloud's face was terribly red. "But I don't notice when I do it! I just do when she does it …"

"That's so cute," Zack said, giving his hand another squeeze. "I bet your mom is a lovely woman."

Cloud shrugged. "I guess so. She's my mom … I don't really pay attention."

"Bullshit!" Zack was looking at Cloud now, grinning wide. "The look on your face says otherwise. I see that smile."

Cloud glanced at him, catching one look of Zack's grin before turning away again. "Dammit, Zack. Don't tease me."

"I'm not, I l-love it!" He closed his mouth quick, instantly processing what he had just said to make sure that it was what was intended and not some sort of unconscious slip. But when Cloud just sighed and continued on with speaking, he was sure that he didn't say what he truly wanted to say.

"Well … besides you, she's all I have. And even then, I'm not so close with her at the moment …"

"You have Ratcliff and Graves too, don't forget. I know they care about you."

Cloud grew quiet, his eyes just staring up at the stars, but not really looking at any one part of the sky in particular.

"Where is Ratcliff, anyway?"

"On a mission," Cloud said simply.

"You're … all alone in the barracks right now?"

Cloud turned his head quick, a shocked look on his face. When he spoke, his voice came out small. "Alone? You know about Graves?"

Zack must have returned the shocked look, as when their gaze met, Cloud looked even more horrified. "I do. Ratcliff told me a few months back. Before your mission to, uh, Kalm."

Cloud looked away once more, breaking their gaze. "Why didn't you mention it to me?"

"I thought you would bring it up with me eventually."

_And other things …_

"I just … didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't even know he was gone at first. No one told me."

"We were going to tell you. But …" Zack trailed off. More important matters needed to be brought up at that time, and Graves had been placed on the back burner in his mind. He did feel guilty about it, and maybe Zack just wanted to forget. He had already dealt with Angeal deserting. Zack, too, had breaking points.

"Well, regardless, he's still gone and he's still a big idiot."

Zack chuckled a bit dryly. They were silent again.

"And," Cloud eventually said, sounding more upbeat, "I'm not alone in the barracks. I mean, Kunsel is there and he talks to me. And there are others who chat with me once in a while. I can last until Ratcliff comes back. It should only be a few more days anyway."

"Good. He'll be back before you know it."

Cloud nodded eagerly, but then stopped. "And it's all okay, as long as I know you're here."

Zack suddenly cooed, his thumb beginning to stroke Cloud's hand. "Of course. I'm here for you, Cloud," he said softly.

"I know … thank you," Cloud whispered.

They glanced at each other to share a quick smile, but then brought their attention back to the stars. Zack pointed out a few constellations that he hadn't the faintest idea of what they were called, but made names up as he went along anyway. Cloud caught onto this after Zack spouted off some outlandish name, and he just chuckled and sarcastically went along with it. They began to make up strange names together based on whatever shape the constellations resembled most. What they were doing was cliché, but it was relaxing.

And how cliché he wanted to continue to be in that moment. Right then would have been a good time … it really would have. Their bellies were full of delicious food, the night was clear and nice, their were hands holding tight together …

"Cloud?" His teeth actually started to chatter in excitement; a surge of emotions swarmed from the pit of his stomach up to his chest. Dare it to venture into his throat, to slip between those chattering teeth … he would be accepting that delightful defeat.

Now. He could do it now. It could be so gently slipped in between the breeze and the sound of the bugs buzzing in the night. Hell, even between a few stray car horns that honked in the distance – he didn't care. All sounds would stop for what he wanted to say … save for the thump of his heart.

He heard a soft moan beside him, and he turned his head, narrowing his eyes in the dull light of the streetlamp to see Cloud with his free hand pressed against his forehead. "Cloud?" He shifted even closer to him when Cloud didn't respond to him at first. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Cloud said, his voice thick with uncertainty. "Just got a little dizzy." He pulled his hand down, blinking hard a few times as it looked as though he was waiting for his vision to adjust to his surroundings.

"Did you tilt your head back too far?"

"I think so," he said slowly.

"That can happen looking up at the stars sometimes … or when you're next to me," he said in a singsong voice. He laughed until he realized that Cloud wasn't laughing with him. He sat up a little on his elbows, watching him intently. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah."

Zack just nodded and lowered back down, his fingers linking between Cloud's once more. Cloud gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, so he relaxed. They were in silence for a bit and only stroked each other's skin beneath their thumbs. But Cloud's eventually stopped its movement, and his grip on Zack's hand loosened. Zack looked back over to him and saw that he was having trouble keeping his eyes open.

"Wanna head back?"

Cloud's eyes shot open and he spoke quickly, like he hadn't missed a beat. "Sure."

"Are you gonna stay the night?" Zack said, smiling wide.

"I can …" Cloud returned the smile, just as widely.

"Think you have enough energy to … you know. _Play _with me a bit?" Zack said, his tone very coy.

"Depends," Cloud said, returning the tone just as coyly.

"Well, let's get back then." Zack stood up and arched his back, cracking it in a few places. He sighed with content.

Cloud followed his lead and got to his feet, but wobbled and let out a noise of surprise.

Zack grabbed hold of his shoulders, steadying him. When that didn't seem to work fast enough, he pulled Cloud against his chest. "Steady, now! Maybe we were staring up at the stars for too long."

Cloud stood still for a moment, but pulled away from Zack's body, looking around in a bit of a daze. "I feel like I was just in a car." Cloud frowned at Zack's worried expression and he smirked sarcastically. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna vomit on you if that's what you're thinking."

Zack tittered. "Well, I was gonna call a cab, but now I'm not so sure what to do. Maybe we should just walk back if you're feeling motion sickness right now. Unless you're too dizzy …?"

"It'll be late by the time we get back if we walk. We won't have time to … you know." Cloud bit his bottom lip, looking away when a piqued interest appeared on Zack's face.

But it died quickly when Cloud wobbled once more as he started to release his hold on the boy. "I know, Cloud. But I'd rather you be comfortable and happy. Besides, it's a nice night out, right?"

"It is …"

"Let's walk then. Are you good to go?" He studied Cloud's movements carefully as he began to take a few steps on his own.

"I'm okay, it's gone now. I just have to focus on something stationary."

"Is that the trick?"

Cloud chuckled dryly, shrugging his shoulders. "There really is no trick."

Zack ushered him forward when he seemed stable enough and they began to head back towards the Shin-Ra building for the night on foot. They would be getting in late, but there might be enough time to at least get a little kissing in before they slept. Cloud did seem rather tired now.

And maybe Zack would have enough time to tell Cloud how he felt. Curled up together in a cool room but under a thick blanket, pressed against each other for extra warmth and comfort … hands roaming but going no where … it could be a good time to do it.

Cloud reached down and slipped his hand in Zack's as they walked together. He smiled sweetly.

Zack's nerve was lost in that smile again.

* * *

There was something so peaceful about Nibelheim that made it scream that it was anything but. An underlying feeling of morbidity tainted the overlying feeling of serenity, and years of secrecy lay hidden behind friendly faces. _Good mornings_ and _how are yous_ seemed to be forced out of the townspeople with fear scratching behind their eyes, trying to break free and warn those who dare look into them; who dare raise questions about those feelings.

And it wasn't until the shrouded shadow of the Shin-Ra mansion came into view did these feelings finally attach themselves to something solid. No longer was there any doubt that that morbidity could have been only a fleeting whim in a paranoid mind.

It was no secret that strange things happened in that mansion. Even young children in Midgar knew of old folklore full of immoral experiments and grotesque beings screaming in the night coming from that place. Even as the building itself withered with time, the stories stood as strong as the bones that it was built with, and neither child, woman nor man would dispute its reputation. Even the ones that lived nearby cast nary a glance at it, as though it and its legacy wasn't even there. Or perhaps it was that fear trying to look the other way.

Nibelheim was certainly creeping Ratcliff out.

They searched the town for Graves, having asked around to those who were willing to share any bit of information. A few of the townspeople seemed coerced with their responses to the men, almost as though they were afraid to even delve into their memory with the dread that they might remember something repressed about the town. Those friendly smiles were offered up as apologies when their memories of Graves failed them, and they went back to their lives of living with their backs to that mansion.

Regrouping and brainstorming was next on the agenda for the men, and even with the ominous building sitting back in the corner of the town, Ratcliff was starting to feel a bit more confident with the whole situation. It had been twelve days since their search began, and already the team had exceeded their orders by two. Luxiere and Haskin were now more desperate than eager, so an extension was requested and granted. But if each stone was turned and nothing was produced, they would return and Graves would most likely be declared KIA.

Ratcliff would be relieved, yet sad, and Cloud would probably be the same. The whole situation would still be the same as before …

The team broke off for a bit when their options dwindled down. Shops were searched and households were approached, but they couldn't seem to find any scrap of information that would lead them to their target. There wasn't much to do now but to take a bit of a break and wait things out.

For Ratcliff, at least.

He was finding himself participating less and less as the days went on, and the glances he received from the two in charge suggested that they noticed, but he didn't care. He _couldn't _care. He would be insane for his heart to be in this even a small fraction. Perhaps he would be reprimanded or even demoted, but at this point he would much rather deal with that than what could happen if they ran across Graves. Ratcliff wouldn't fight Graves, but Graves would fight for his freedom, and that was something he didn't want to even think about.

Those g_ood mornings _turned into g_ood afternoons _and the morning haze was gone now. It made the town seem a lot less creepy, so Ratcliff decided to poke around a bit on his own. He knew Cloud was from Nibelheim, but the boy never really spoke much of the place. It seemed like a town that Cloud would be from – quiet and reserved – and so Ratcliff began to play his own guessing game with trying to figure out what house could possibly have been his.

He narrowed it down to a few. One of which was a quaint house down a path to the right of the town. It was a cute little house that he for sure thought would be his, but when a family with dark hair came walking out, he knew that wasn't it. So he pressed on with his own little game, trying to pass the time.

He came upon the water tower in the center of town where a little brown puppy was yipping playfully at a young woman who was walking past. She seemed to stop when she spotted Ratcliff and peered at him intently for a moment, but then frowned to herself after she stared at him long enough, and then entered a large two-story house across from the water tower with a sigh.

The little puppy ran up to him, but then ran away in its own game, as though it wanted Ratcliff to join and chase it. He laughed and watched it run back and forth, trying to rile him up and get him as excited as it was, but it eventually realized Ratcliff wasn't going to give. So it trotted up to him and plopped down at his feet seriously. There was no way he could resist.

He removed his helmet and kneeled down, scratching at the puppy's belly once it was exposed in a very shameless act of submissiveness, and he praised it for doing nothing particularly praise-worthy. It was just too cute to ignore, so after a few minutes he stood, despite the puppy's whine of disapproval. And then a bark of disapproval. And then it started to run around in frantic and excited circles when a door opened behind him.

"Cloud? Honey?"

Ratcliff turned quickly, nearly dropping his helmet from his hands at not only the voice, but the name that was spoken. "P-pardon?"

A petite blonde woman stood before him, the door to a small house on the end of the row open behind her. "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were my son. You two look very similar from behind. And he always would pet that puppy when he walked by it."

He could hardly believe his eyes and ears. "No, ma'am," he said slowly, "I'm not Cloud, but I do know him, yeah."

Her face lit up with a motherly smile. "You do?"

Ratcliff nodded. "We're in the same unit."

"Is he here with you?"

"Afraid not, ma'am." He couldn't help but chuckle at the disappointed look that crossed her face; it looked just like one that Cloud would make. "He's doing well, if that's any consolation, yeah."

"A little. Better consolation than what his other friend gave me."

"Other friend?"

"Some big fellow …" She trailed off for just a brief moment before her face lit up once again with whatever thought that came to mind. "Casey! How could I forget a name like that?"

Ratcliff felt the color drain from him. "Casey … you've met him?"

She only smiled at him. "Come inside, dear," she said after a few moments. She stepped back, ushering him into her home. "By the look on your face, he's probably the reason why you're here."

* * *

She had introduced herself as Cinnamon-Rose, and was very flattered when Ratcliff said how much he loved her name. He was always fond of unique names such as this woman's and Cloud's, and maybe just a little bit jealous. He never did like his own name.

She was even more flattered when he told her how much he loved the rose tea with the cinnamon. He thought it was a cute little trademark.

It suddenly struck him that he was in Cloud's home the moment he saw pictures of the boy on the walls, and he was admittedly overwhelmed with an odd excitement. It almost made him forget the reason why he was actually there.

Cloud never spoke much of his mother, but whatever information he would let on about her was enough to invoke a strong enough mental image of her based on the things he said and the way he himself was. She was exactly how Ratcliff pictured her to be, if not even more beautiful and sweeter.

She served him a sandwich which he was very thankful for. He hadn't realized how hungry he was and how little he ate while on this mission. He didn't have much of an appetite from his nerves.

"He never did come back for that sandwich."

Ratcliff looked up from his lunch, lifting an eyebrow at her. "Pardon?"

She laughed. "Not that exact sandwich, don't worry. But I found your friend in one of the stores here with not enough money to buy something to eat. So I invited him for lunch."

"You're awfully trusting, ma'am. He can be a mindless brute."

"Casey? No, I could tell he's a nice man. Just a little rough around the edges."

Ratcliff scoffed, shrugging his shoulders. "To put it one way, yeah."

"If he's friends with my Cloud, then he must be a good person."

He frowned in thought, then eventually nodded. "I suppose you have a good point."

"My son may be shy, but he has a gentle spirit, and I firmly believe that he will attract those of similar spirits."

Ratcliff thought of Graves, of Elici, and he thought of Zack. Elici and Zack were amazing people, and even Graves had a good side to him deep down. But Ratcliff himself … he couldn't even protect Cloud from the one bad spirit that did manage to find the boy. If his mother knew the horrors that her son had went through, Ratcliff wondered if she would be still standing there smiling so kindly at him.

"You're right, yeah. H-he has some good friends," was all he could say.

"But your friend," she said after a moment's pause, "he was looking for someone here a few months ago. In that mansion."

He swallowed hard. "Did he … find that person?"

"I don't know. He said he would come back to tell me all about my son, but he never returned. I even wrapped up his sandwich for him for when he did."

"Never returned?"

"Not to my home at least. He might've had more important things to do than to entertain a worried mother with stories of her only son." She smiled a bit sadly, glancing out the window in front of the sink in the kitchen. She was looking at the mansion.

"You never saw him leave the mansion? Or the town? Never?"

"Well, it wasn't like I was waiting on the edge of my seat for him to return, watching for him every minute around every corner. But I kept an eye out for him here and there for a few days."

"T-that mansion … why did he go in there exactly?"

"I saw someone going in and out, and he was hoping it was the person he was looking for."

"And that was … a few months ago?"

She nodded.

A silence formed between them, and Cinnamon-Rose looked as though she didn't know why. Ratcliff wasn't even sure why … what she had just said didn't mean anything. She could have just missed seeing Graves leave …

She suddenly sighed and then spoke, her voice very soft. It was so soft that Ratcliff couldn't hear her at first. "The reactor …"

"Pardon?"

She finally spoke up. "I never saw your friend leaving the mansion. I did see others after that. Well, _one figure _left … carrying something."

Ratcliff stared at her for a moment, feeling his face drain of color. "Or … someone?"

She nodded solemnly. "Heading up the mountain."

There was a crackling sound in Ratcliff's ear and it caused him to jump, startling the woman as well. Haskin's voice came over the radio headset he was wearing.

"Ratcliff, what's your position?"

Cinnamon-Rose frowned and looked out the window. Their eyes met and she nodded her head towards a figure that moved past.

"One-story house on the corner, across from the water tower." He scrambled to his feet, giving Cloud's mother a respectful nod. She only gave him a worried look in return.

"Report your findings to me at once."

Ratcliff muttered a half-hearted 'sir' to Haskin and exited the home, catching the sad sigh that Cinnamon-Rose gave as he left. His heart twisted in his chest, for more than one reason. He couldn't bear to look back at her and see the disappointed look that was surely on her face. Even if he could stay and speak with her about her son, it would only be lies.

"What have you found?"

Ratcliff stopped in front of Haskin as the man rounded the path, and he peered nervously into his eyes. "Sir," he said, clearing the tremor away from his throat, "I haven't found much, yeah."

Haskin lifted an eyebrow very subtly on his face.

He glanced to the side of the house, seeing a collection of footprints near one of the kitchen windows in the dirt. Ratcliff turned his head back, forcing himself to continue. "Just that … Graves was seen entering the Shin-Ra mansion a few months back."

"By whom?"

"B-by the woman who lives in this house, sir."

"What exact date?"

"Unknown, sir."

"Approximately how long ago, then?"

Cinnamon-Rose cut them off. "Three months."

They both looked over to her as she stood in the doorway, her hand clutched to her bosom. She was glancing around, perhaps looking to see if her son was around by any stroke of luck.

"Ma'am?" Haskin turned towards her, waiting for her to continue.

"It was three months ago." Her eyes glanced over to Ratcliff and she smiled a little. "But I think I saw him leaving the town not shortly after." Her eyes went back to Haskin and locked on. "He headed south, through the front entrance of the town."

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"It looked like him, but I'm not entirely sure."

Ratcliff wanted to stop her from speaking, to cut her off and warn her that lying to Shin-Ra was like lying to the devil. Unknown chaos lay deep within false words.

"Thank you, ma'am." Haskin turned and started to walk off. "Ratcliff, come with me."

Ratcliff hesitated for a moment, looking over at Cinnamon-Rose. She only smiled.

Haskin continued walking towards the entrance of the town, simply barking another order to follow, and so he did.

They reached the entrance where Luxiere and Pawn were standing by an abandoned truck near a building. Weeds and wild plants grew from beneath the vehicle, winding around the tires and reaching towards the sunlight. A layer of dust coated the truck – evidence that it hadn't been moved in quite some time. Pawn was wrestling with the door handle and finally got it open, a loud creak coming from the old hinges.

Luxiere immediately poked his head in, rummaging around inside the cab for a minute. He emerged a moment later, dusting his hands off with a grimace, nodding to both Haskin and Ratcliff who stood watching in silence. "There's a lot of dust," Luxiere said, glancing back inside, "but most of it is actually sand. It's definitely a vehicle from Corel."

"He was seen by one of the townspeople a few months back leaving from the mansion through the entrance of the town," Haskin said, taking a glance inside himself. "If this was his truck, why would he leave it if he left through this way? Can we be sure it's even his?"

"I think it's his truck. Take a look at this." Luxiere tossed an item to Ratcliff and he caught it, nearly dropping it.

It was a pack of cigarettes.

"His brand?"

Ratcliff nodded slowly.

Haskin pulled himself out of the truck with a frown and shut the door. "We have two leads. The mansion, and every place else we've already checked that's south from here."

Luxiere rubbed the back of his neck with a soft growl in thought. "None of this makes sense. The only other place that's left on this continent that we haven't checked is Rocket Town, but that's through Mt. Nibel." He was quiet for a minute, glancing between each of his men. "First thing's first. I'll have to get clearance from HQ to check in the mansion. Can't just go barging in there."

They finished inspecting the truck, only coming across abandoned jugs of water and a bag full of moldy food. There was nothing else in there that would prove that it was Graves'. But by the look on the faces of the two in charge, there was no need for any more proof.

The two stepped off to the side, discussing the best course of action for finding their target. Luxiere decided to contact headquarters for clearance. They left Pawn and Ratcliff standing next to the abandoned truck, so Ratcliff began pacing.

"M-Mr. Ratcliff, w-we'll be fine, even if we don't complete the m-mission," Pawn said quietly, watching as the man walked back and forth aimlessly.

"It's not us I'm worried about, yeah."

They were both silent for a bit, save for the sound of Ratcliff's boots shuffling against the dirt and Luxiere and Haskin muttering a little ways off.

"Do you have a phone?"

Pawn looked up from the ground where he usually had his eyes cast, and he gave the man a curious look.

"A cell phone. Can I borrow it? It'll only be for a second, yeah."

Pawn nodded and fished around in his pocket for his phone and then almost nervously passed it over. Ratcliff took it and started to dial a number after a moment's thought. He walked off around a corner when the two in charge weren't looking.

A minute or so passed and Pawn was beginning to wonder who was going to come back first, but it was Luxiere and Haskin who did with solemn faces. Ratcliff then emerged from around the corner rather quickly, stuffing his hand into his pocket to most likely hide the phone. He himself had not a solemn face, but a distraught one.

"They won't give us clearance to search in the mansion," Luxiere said, sighing a large and defeated sigh as Ratcliff finally joined them.

Each man was silent for a while.

"Where'd you go?" Haskin said, peering Ratcliff over.

"I had to piss," Ratcliff said simply. He looked off to the mansion, averting Haskin's gaze, and he watched as a shadow was cast over the building from above. His eyes trailed up to Mt. Nibel; to the mako reactor that sat atop.

They were silent again.

"What about Rocket Town?" Haskin eventually said.

"Nope."

"Then anywhere else?"

Ratcliff looked over to Haskin, whose eyes were where Ratcliff's had been. He turned his head, meeting Ratcliff's gaze.

Luxiere just shook his head. "We're to stay at the inn and then meet the transport here at 0600 to head back to Midgar."

"Mission failed," Haskin said dejectedly, his eyes not leaving Ratcliff's.

"Yeah," Luxiere said, just the same. "Mission failed."

Ratcliff looked away when the phone vibrated in his pocket.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Two: Graves.

Ending Author's Note: I mentioned "Even as the building itself withered with time, the stories stood as strong as the bones that it was built with …" which some of you might have thought that expression to be literal, especially since we all know about the Shinra mansion and the things that go on in there. However, 'bones' is a term used in the housing market to describe houses that are built solid. Rather, the phrase "good bones" refers to houses that have good foundations and all around quality structures. So when I said that it stood strong with the bones it was built with, that really meant that it was just built strong. XD A house made out of literal bones? Now that would just be strange.

LOL at Ratcliff nearly fanboying over being in Cloud's house. XD

So, like, I've been struggling to write with these new graveyard shifts and adjusting back to work and such. It's really hard after being off for a whole year and having all that free time I had to do whatever I wanted with suddenly sucked up. Four days passed by one of these past weeks, and I realized that I didn't even have a chance to open Malady and write! So don't kill me, but I'm gonna skip another week and update in three weeks again. Luckily I was momentarily struck with inspiration yesterday morning and got things mapped out for chapter forty-four rather quickly. Forty-three is nearly done. :3

I love you guys, you know that? I just thought I'd say it. :D

Oh, lol, take a look at this: http: / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-s-OC-OOC-180802475

lady-yuna7 and I ended up in a weird discussion over MSN about what my OCs would be like if they were horribly out of character. Ratcliff would be all RAWR and srs, Graves would be flaming gay (LOL), Elici would be like a lax, apathetic stoner, and Mejia would be a chicken wuss. Just a funny little gag fan-art for you to chuckle over. Thank you, lady-yuna7. You are quite disturbing at times, and I love you for it. :D

Tuesday, October 26th! Be here, yes? :3 The title alone should pique your interests.

OH! Forgot to mention! I have a new one-shot out. It's called "Unpredictable" and it's a SephirothxReno PWP. My very first porno without plot fic. It's a gift ficcie for Tifa-Amy-Lockheart. Give it a read if you are in the mood for shameless smut. :D


	42. Chapter FortyTwo: Graves

Chapter Forty-Two: Graves

* * *

"Mr. Ratcliff?"

Ratcliff held a finger to his lips and scowled at Pawn to be quiet. The boy had whispered that so quietly as it was, that Ratcliff's gesture was unnecessary. There was no way that the two snoring men beside them in the beds could even hear.

"Where are you–"

The gesture was made again, this time with a hush.

"Just go back to sleep, yeah? Never mind what I'm doing." Ratcliff lowered his hand to the doorknob. "I'll be back."

Pawn sat up, his wild strawberry-blond hair sticking out every which way … which wasn't very much different from how it looked normally. Ratcliff oftentimes wondered if the boy knew what a comb was, and he couldn't stop himself from cracking a small smile. Cloud's hair looked like that in the mornings, too …

"If they wake up and ask where I am, you don't know anything, yeah?"

"But–"

"Good. Go back to sleep." He slipped out the door.

The inn was as quiet as the night. The only change in ambience as he left the building was the cool mountain air hitting him. The silence went from the inn and out into the town, and being so used to the loud clamor of city life in Midgar, he wasn't surprised that the silence made his ears almost hurt. Crickets, the occasional animal sound – something, _anything _would have been able to settle his nerves right then, but there was nothing. The wind even seemed still.

He went to the Shinra mansion with a wavering resolve. It was strong as he stepped foot outside of the inn, but now as he neared the weathered and large double doors, he felt it slipping away. He didn't know what he was trying to do … or why. If he found Graves, it would change nothing. He couldn't stop him back in Kalm, now would be no different.

But the mansion doors were locked.

His own curses that left his mouth startled him, the sound disrupting the eerie silence hovering around. He cursed a few more times, pressing a hand to his chest as his heart thumped, but he realized that it wasn't his voice that scared him, but a shuffling sound behind him. He turned quickly.

"Mr. Ratcliff?"

"Dammit, Pawn," Ratcliff said, his voice shuddering with the tense breath that he released. "I told you to stay behind, yeah. What the hell are you doing here?"

Pawn shifted on his feet, his eyes peering at him sheepishly from beneath his helmet. "I-I could ask you … the same." He suddenly looked afraid that he had even said that.

Ratcliff sighed heavily as he tried to decide if he could fully trust this boy or not. "I'm … looking for Graves. I want to find him first and warn him that we're here, yeah."

Pawn just nodded slowly.

"Can I trust you?"

He nodded again, looking a bit more fearful now. "O-of course. W-we're friends … right?"

Ratcliff studied the boy's expression for a moment, then looked around to see if either of the two others were following them. Nothing but dead silence. "Then follow me, yeah," he eventually said, his gaze meeting the boy's. "I could use a second pair of eyes."

Pawn hesitated, but then nodded once more.

The dirt path in the town became less flat and more rugged. Smooth earth turned to rough terrain, lined with boulders and evidence of monsters lurking about. Withering trees – life sapped selfishly from their roots, decaying and broken, were the welcome mat of the haunting structure above them. Its silhouette an ominous contrast against the moon in the night sky.

* * *

Cloud was wrong. They had plenty of time to play with each other when they got back to the Shin-Ra building after their evening in the park. But they didn't. They _couldn't_. Zack spent most of his night kneeling on the bathroom floor next to Cloud, who spent most of his night vomiting in the toilet. During their walk back, Cloud's pace had slowed and his balance was a bit wobbly, still blaming it on getting dizzy from having watched the stars for too long. By the time they got back, the first thing he did was drop to his knees and see his dinner in reverse, as Zack tried to put it lightheartedly.

His joke went unappreciated, but his soothing words and a mild back rub didn't during their time in the bathroom. Zack was starting to feel a bit nauseous as well, but he wasn't sure if it was because of their dinner like they suspected, or from watching Cloud for a good few hours.

After a while, all they both could do was crawl into bed and silently hope that the other didn't move around so much. The night was long, with plenty of false alarms and a few real ones as well. Cloud had gotten up several times to stumble back into the bathroom where his body tried to expel whatever was possibly left inside his stomach, which couldn't have been much at that point. It was a tiring night, but at the very least, they got to hold each other.

In the morning, Zack felt better; Cloud didn't. As much as the blond tried to deny it, Zack could tell he still wasn't feeling well from the sound of the prescription bottle opening discreetly in Cloud's hands. He knew it was a prescription from the tan color of the bottle, but for what exact ailment, he was unsure. He was more than a little tempted to ask Cloud what it was for.

"Cloud?" Zack was kneeling again, but this time it was next to the couch, where Cloud lay with his arm slung over his head in what looked like pain.

Cloud pulled his arm away, slowly giving him a rather hazy smile. "Maybe we shouldn't eat at that place for a while."

"I've been trying to think of what you had that I didn't," Zack said, frowning thoughtfully. "I think it was the shrimp."

Cloud just grunted a response, his arm sliding back over his forehead. He remained still for a few moments, except to smile again when Zack's hand began to stroke his stomach lightly. "I'm fine, Zack. Just a little tired is all."

"Sorry for taking you there."

"You sound like me now – apologizing for something you have no control over." Cloud chuckled at the irony of it all. "It's not like you were the one that got me sick."

"I still feel bad though." Zack began to use his index finger to draw little nothingnesses against his stomach, but the shirt that Cloud wore was getting in the way of his 'art'. The fabric tangled around his fingertip and he frowned as though offended.

Cloud pulled his hand away once more and smiled a smile that seemed a bit clearer now. "Do I have to force you to kiss me when you say the 's' word now?"

"You never have to force me to do something like that," Zack said, returning the smile.

"I figured as much." Cloud turned onto his side on the couch, now using his arm as a pillow instead. He looked as though just that simple turn made his body disagree with the movement, and Zack couldn't tell if he was going to vomit again, or if it was something else.

He sat for a moment, stroking Cloud's hip now. "I've been meaning to ask you, Cloud."

Light blue eyes met his nervously, and Zack realized that the way he had said that was filled with a tone that could only suggest the conversation was about to turn.

"What's the prescription for?"

"What … prescription?"

Zack stared at him flatly for a moment, and that caused the boy to shift uncomfortably on the cushions. "Please don't play dumb with me."

Cloud was quiet. Very quiet. So quiet that it seemed as though his breathing had stopped to focus all his energy on his brain, which was surely coming up with some sort of excuse. "It's just medicine," he eventually said.

"I know that it is," Zack said, somewhat curtly. "I guess if you don't want to tell me, that's fine."

"I mean," Cloud began, nibbling on his bottom lip for a second. "It's for nothing major, if that's what you're thinking."

"Okay …"

"It's just for my head."

Zack scoffed, throwing up his hands in exasperation.

"I mean, there's nothing wrong with my head!" Cloud sat up quickly, which didn't startle Zack as much as the boy's frantic tone had. "N-not like that! I mean …!"

"Cloud, it's okay," Zack said, sliding up onto the couch next to him. He reached down and grabbed Cloud's hands, giving them a reassuring squeeze. "I know what you meant."

His face was red and his eyes were nowhere near Zack's. "I've just been … getting headaches, is all."

"Okay, that's all I wanted to know," Zack said delicately. He honestly wasn't surprised that Cloud had to take something like this, given his past injuries. And he honestly wasn't surprised that Cloud had been trying to keep it a secret. "Do you have to take them regularly, or just when you feel them coming on …?"

Cloud turned away, bringing his knees up onto the couch and he wrapped his arms about them. "I thought you said that's all you wanted to know."

Zack was taken aback. "Yeah. I guess you're right."

They both apologized to each other at the same time.

They both chuckled at the same time, and they both leaned in at the same time to kiss.

… And they both sighed heavily when Zack's phone rang.

He answered his phone with disdain, voicing even more when he realized he was being called for a short mission. He pecked Cloud on the cheek with a shrug and promised he would not only be back soon, but he would be back with medicine for Cloud's upset stomach.

He left with Cloud promising that he would feel better before he came back with that medicine.

* * *

This time, Cloud was right. By the time Zack had returned, he was already up and cleaning around the apartment, feeling better. It looked and smelled as if Cloud had attempted to make some sort of meal for them, but the sink full of dishes and the full trashcan was evidence that it was a failed attempt. Zack walked in and took a peek inside to see that it was two grilled cheese sandwiches – burnt and charred.

"Hey!" Zack moved aside a crumpled paper towel that was covering them to get a better look. "Why did you throw these away? I'm starved!"

Cloud turned around from washing the dishes, jumping a little at Zack's voice. "I didn't hear you come in!"

Zack ignored him and bent down, pulling one out with a horrified expression. He held it up in front of Cloud, as though he committed some sort of heinous crime by having thrown it away.

"What?" Cloud laughed a little, mostly at Zack's wide eyes. "I burnt them. I'll try and make another if you want." He went to get the bread and cheese again. "Throw that away, you look like you're about to eat it," he said with a chuckle.

Zack raised his eyebrows as though to dare him.

Cloud just looked at him flatly, then grabbed it from him and tossed it back into the trashcan. "I thought you hated burnt grilled cheese anyway." He turned to the stove and began to prepare everything.

"I love it," Zack said in a singsong voice, leaning up against the counter to watch him.

Cloud frowned for a brief moment. "Oh." He put the pan on the range. "I thought you said you didn't like it burnt."

Zack reached over and kissed Cloud on the head, giving him a small nuzzle with his nose before he pulled away. "Nope, I told you I liked it burnt. But really, I'll eat it however you serve it."

He was still frowning, looking as though he were trying to rack his brain. "Are you sure? I could've sworn …" He trailed off, then just turned to Zack with a small smile. "Okay, one burnt sandwich coming up."

And it was quite burnt. Not because Cloud failed at cooking it again, but because Zack distracted him with a bit of kissing, and a little touching the moment the sandwich hit the pan. They lost track of just how long they were at it, and it wasn't until the smell of smoke floated in the air did they realize that Zack was indeed getting what he wanted out of that sandwich.

He had tried to paw at the temperature dial to turn the heat off, but Cloud latching onto his lips was making it hard. He nearly flipped the pan off the stove when his hand came down on the handle, and that was when he had to pull away from the boy.

Cloud was looking flustered when they parted, and he even tried to continue kissing Zack as he stepped back over to the stove. His hands were still smoothing across Zack's shoulders, and his body was still trying to press against his, rubbing slowly for pleasure. He whimpered a little, almost pouting, but when he caught sight of Zack's dinner, he sheepishly stopped.

Admittedly, this was perhaps too burnt for Zack's liking, but he ate it anyway – and quickly. There wasn't much time between finishing the sandwich and kissing Cloud again, even less time between their kissing and moving towards the bedroom. The brief thought of not having turned off the stove crossed Zack's mind, but it was easily forgotten the moment that Cloud closed the bedroom door after them.

* * *

They walked for what seemed like hours, traveling through the winding paths and through the constant sound of things scurrying about nearby. Weapons were held close and ears were piqued with apprehension. An encounter with a monster would be grave for their position, as those weapons they held close were there only for a feeling of blind security. A single gunshot would tear through the silence of the town and would be the perfect alert to those whom Ratcliff didn't want to be alerted.

A few curious creatures were fended off with their batons, albeit clumsily, but fatigue from their trek through the mountain path was proving to be harder to fend off. The paths weren't hard to navigate around, as they were visibly laid out for them along the mountains, and all they had to do was look up to find their way. It was just a matter of time and energy, which adrenaline and determination helped them along, as well as a few rickety bridges swaying over dark ravines.

They reached the mako reactor, and neither said anything at first, almost as though they were in awe of what stood before them. Perhaps it was the unsettled feeling of not knowing exactly _why _they were there, and neither having any sort of real answer to offer each other, even if it was brought up.

Eventually, the unease between them was deterred for just a moment as Ratcliff forced a laugh, looking up at the heavy metal door as he walked up the steps. "Not so creepy up close, yeah? Seems rather small compared to the ones in Midgar." He glanced back to Pawn, who was following him nervously and looking a little more than tired.

He said nothing.

Ratcliff hesitated for a moment as he reached the keypad. He turned to Pawn once more with his own nervous look and entered in a sequence of numbers from memory. The massive lock was disengaged with a beep of the keypad, and the door slid open.

"Wait, w-what're you d-doing?" Pawn trotted up the steps, following as Ratcliff started to enter the reactor. "We can't be in here."

"Then stay outside," he said simply.

"H-how did you even get the code …?"

"A little birdie told me," he said just as simply again.

Pawn stopped and stared at Ratcliff as he disappeared inside. The boy adjusted his assault rifle in his hands and followed. Ratcliff was already a good few paces ahead, his own rifle swung over his shoulder, ignored. Pawn looked down to the weapon that Ratcliff now had in his own hands, and his eyes widened. "Is that … a handgun?"

Ratcliff glanced over his shoulder in Pawn's direction, but he didn't actually look at him. "Yeah."

"B-but … those aren't standard issue for the army division, M-Mr. Ratcliff."

"I know that, yeah."

Pawn was quiet for a while, wanting to ask more questions, but he refrained.

Ratcliff looked back at him, forcing a shaky smile. "Don't worry about it, okay? I didn't steal it, if that's what you're thinking, yeah."

"No, it's not that. I just … want to know why you have it."

Ratcliff was silent for a moment, stopping in front of a large metal staircase that led up into a sealed chamber. "It's a gun," he said, cautiously. "Why do any of us have guns?"

Pawn said nothing, looking away with a grimace.

"We're not supposed to be in here right now, yeah?" he said quickly. "This gun has a silencer on it. If I need to use it, it won't give away our location to the others."

Pawn continued to say nothing.

Ratcliff groaned, rubbing at his forehead with the tips of his fingers, calming the annoyance in his voice. "Sorry, yeah? Just … don't speak right now."

Pawn _still_ said nothing.

"Well … yeah. Keep doin' what you're doin' already, pretty much."

Both men finally glanced around at their surroundings when their eyes became adjusted to the dim and scattered light. Only a few floodlights lined the metal walls, casting not even enough light to see in front of them. But bluish-green and eerie hues spotlighted the area in rows, emanating from pod-like structures flanking the staircase.

They approached them warily, weapons drawn up, yet the stillness in the reactor gave them no reason to feel uneasy. It was the lights that wavered that made them feel that way, as they were casting dancing shadows and bright reflections along the walls, churning with whatever substance was filling them. Hesitance to look inside weighed on them.

Creatures – monstrous beings … that was what was staring back at them. Deformed souls with gnarled horns protruding from their skulls … growing until they reached the inner walls of the pods. Their skin was but a festering hide, hardened over in some places, ulcerous in others. Teeth were barred, not from barbarity, but from what once looked like lips having been consumed by the tempering flesh. Each creature down each row looked exactly the same – menacing and astray, and each row represented what they could only assume were stages of these creatures' pitiful existence.

"What … what … are these things?" Pawn whispered, unable to stop the frightened seizing of his bottom lip.

Ratcliff shook his head – eyes unable to blink; unable to look away if even for a moment. "Monsters."

The boy beside him made some sort of squeaking noise, but nothing more.

"Let's … move on. C'mon, Pawn, yeah?" He tugged at Pawn's sleeve, but still found himself staring into the dark eyes staring back at him. They were unmoving. "We … have to move on. There's no point in trying to figure out what these things are … yeah?"

Pawn only nodded and finally forced himself to take a step back. He nearly stepped off the platform they stood on.

Ratcliff steadied him as he began to topple. "Just … stay here. I'm going to see what's past this door. If anything happens, give me a holler, yeah?"

He left Pawn's side and started up the metal staircase. His eyes narrowed in the darkness, trying to read large writing that spanned across the chamber door. He could only make out a few curves of the letters that were able to reflect the little lighting that was in the room.

Pawn's voice stopped him then, his normal tone much higher in pitch and laced with confusion. "M-Mr. Ratcliff!"

Ratcliff turned quickly, nearly slipping off a step himself. He saw that the boy had moved up a few rows and was staring wide-eyed into one of the pods. "What's wrong?"

"It moved."

He hurried down, having to brace himself against a pod as he rounded onto the platform from off the staircase. He reached the boy, nearly shoving him aside. "Moved?"

"Look … it's …"

"Human," Ratcliff whispered, his hand going to the glass where the creature had its own. A twisted claw now, but knuckles were still prominent, and even dark hair lined its forearm. "What … the fuck? These are humans. All of these things!"

"But why?"

"How the hell should–"

The creature moved again, slowly, but it traced what was a finger across the glass in no meaningful pattern … no lettering or any sign … just a single line. That seemed to be all it could muster, and its arm sank down slowly in the mako it was submerged in.

With its arm down, Ratcliff saw him.

"… Graves?"

The creature didn't respond, but familiar eyes stared back at him, familiar lips parting as though to speak.

"My gods … what the fuck's been done to you?"

"Mr. Ratcliff, please, let's just get out of here!"

Ratcliff slammed up against the pod, his hands pounding blindly at the small control panel. There was a series of beeps mixing with his frantic mutters, and siphons began to quickly drain the mako inside. The hinges to the pod made a hydraulic hiss and the creature slumped out as the door came forward.

Ratcliff turned the creature over slowly. It writhed, its semi-deformed limbs twitching, almost seizing. Its dark skin had yet to turn fully, but it was raised and scabrous. Its breathing was heavy, as though using its lungs was an alien concept, and the way it tried to move was disjointed, as though any impulse from its brain was ignored. Ratcliff's eyes were trying to pick out the more human features, but he was unable to look away from the monster that was in his arms. Features that were once of his friend's, now were overshadowed with depravity.

"H-how can you be so sure it's Graves …?" Pawn whispered, taking a step away from them.

Beads of mako rolled across the mutations on its body; it rolled across the image of an open cage and bird imprinted on its chest. It tried to lift a hand to Ratcliff, but failed.

He stared, his hand tracing across what once was a proud tattoo on his friend's body. "I-I've come for you, Graves," he said, his voice wavering through an optimistic, but delirious tone.

The creature did nothing but stare up at him – eyes wide, but blank.

Ratcliff reached up, brushing the glowing substance from a horn that was beginning to grow from its head before it trickled down into its eyes. "Let's get you outta here, yeah? I'll take you somewhere … I'll f-find someone who can h-help you, yeah?" He began to stand, putting his hands beneath the creature's underarms, trying to pull it up with him. It slipped from him, thumping back to the door of the pod. He bent back down to try again.

"Mr. Ratcliff …"

"C'mon, Graves, get y-your ass up, yeah? Come with me, yeah?" Ratcliff was clawing at the creature now, trying to hoist him up, but his own body was shaking too much. "We can't leave each other, so …" he muttered, grunting as he tried to lift the creature one more time, but it was slumping now, "… l-let's go. S-stop being a stubborn ass, yeah?"

"Mr. Ratcliff."

"Goddammit, Graves! Come on!" Ratcliff was yelling now, frantically panting between his words as dropped beside it, his hands gripping its shoulders. "You can't stay like this! You can't give up like th–"

The creature released what sounded like a sigh – pained and relieved at the same time.

Ratcliff stared in horror, watching as its body relaxed, the seizing in its limbs subsiding. He looked up at the pod in the same horror. "Oh … gods … that was … life support … wasn't it?" He suddenly reached out, gripping Pawn by the pant leg, and the boy yelped from fright. "H-help me get him back in there, and we can figure out what to d–"

A hand – one that was now so different, yet still held that strength that Ratcliff would never forget – bumped against his chest, stopping him from speaking, stopping him from moving. That hand dropped, and the creature just continued to stare with those eyes. They were pleading now.

A distant gunshot rumbled through the stillness of the mountain outside.

"Mr. Ratcliff," Pawn said, kneeling beside him closely, "w-we need to get out of here! Someone's coming!" Ratcliff just ignored him.

"You … can't," he whispered, tears falling. Moments passed of him staring in disbelief, watching as it closed its eyes. Silence.

"M-Mr. Ratcliff!"

"You said you'd watch over me!" Ratcliff was screaming now – angrily, hysterically. "How can you do that if you're dead!"

He felt Pawn tugging desperately on his arms then, pulling him away from the now lifeless body of what was once Casey Graves.

"Let me go!" He thrashed, but was able to get no where.

"S-someone's c-coming for us!"

"I don't care!" He freed himself from Pawn's grasp and dropped back down to the creature's side. "Casey, please!" He was shaking it now, his shouting nearly incoherent. "Casey, goddammit!" His head slowly sank down to its chest when there was no response. "I … I …"

Pawn was now at his side, and his tugging persisted. "P-Please, they're p-probably on their way s-searching for us. W-we need to go, p-please."

Ratcliff slowly looked at the boy. He, too, was crying.

There was more gunfire, this time closer.

"Fuck," Ratcliff muttered, the realization finally hitting him. Panic – immense panic began to follow. "Help me get him back into the pod, yeah!"

They stood together, both trying to lift the dead creature back into the pod in a frenzy. Both were letting out sobs of fear and hysteria as they could hear yelling now between the gunfire. It was their names.

Pawn collapsed onto the floor, and Ratcliff against the closed pod, both dripping from mako and sweat. The pod was making a strange mechanical noise, but the door held and the creature was back in its prison – now a coffin.

"What have I done, yeah?"

The boy looked back at him, rising slowly to his feet. "W-we gotta go …"

"What the fuck have I done!" Ratcliff shouted, pushing himself away from the pod.

"I-I …"

"Go!" Ratcliff was now waving that gun in his hand. "Just get out of here, yeah!"

Pawn stared at him wide-eyed for a moment, looking as though Ratcliff had just spoken another language to him. "But … you're n-not coming?"

Ratcliff looked at Pawn, his face streaked with tears and red from emotion. He tried to mouth something, but no words came out.

More gunfire; very close gunfire.

Ratcliff was grabbed as firmly as Pawn possibly could. Even as the man kicked and screamed, somehow the boy managed to pull him to the front, trying his best not to look over the thrashing body to the rows of pods behind. But he caught glimpses of the creature in the pod, now sunken against the glass window, as inanimate as the others once more. Each time Ratcliff would shriek Graves' name through rabid sobs, it only made focusing on getting them out of the reactor that much harder.

The heavy door was shut with adrenaline, which immediately deflated once the mountain air hit him. They reeked of processed mako – an earthy smell now masked with chemicals. It was a distinctive smell, but one that was seeping through every crack in the reactor, so they hoped that it would go unnoticed by the men that were hunting for them.

"Mr. Ratcliff, p-please, y-you have to calm d-down." Pawn had to repeat this a few times until his stuttering evened out and until Ratcliff finally was able to listen through his own cries.

They could hear angry yells of a fight now between all the gunfire, and footsteps were coming closer. Pawn had the sense to straighten his uniform out and urged Ratcliff to do the same as they scrambled down the steps of the reactor. The handgun was tucked away in Ratcliff's trousers beneath his uniform blouse, and tears were wiped away with the hope that the night would shroud any evidence of them having been there.

There was a glimmering light coming up the path, and they realized that it was a helmet reflecting the moon. It was Haskin.

They both had to force themselves to calm. It seemed impossible, but as the man neared, fear easily wiped away their hysteria. Their breathing somehow leveled, albeit knees were still quaking, and their crying was hidden in both the night, and in the shadow of the reactor behind them.

"W-what do we say?" Pawn whispered to Ratcliff, but the man ignored him. He was too busy muttering to himself too quickly and incoherently for him to respond.

"Don't fuck up," Pawn had heard him say between the mutterings, but it was said to himself.

Haskin finally made his way up the path to the reactor, his assault rifle still drawn and aimed right at them. "What the hell are you two doing here? You know you were not authorized to come here, let alone even leave the inn!" he shouted, even though he had fully approached them now.

They straightened under his presence and under the presence of the weapon still aimed at their chests.

"I understand, sir. My apologies, sir," Ratcliff said, and Pawn managed to repeat this as well.

"Explain yourself!" Haskin wiped at a bit of blood on his face, and they weren't sure if it was his own, or from whatever monster he had been fighting up the mountain. He looked exhausted; he lowered his weapon.

Ratcliff hesitated to speak, but when he did, his voice came out even and calm. "I couldn't sleep, so I went down to smoke a cigarette," he said as his hand fumbled for the crumpled pack of cigarettes from the abandoned truck he still carried, "and I thought I saw someone heading up the mountain who looked like Graves. I thought that I could follow him and see where he went." He motioned over to Pawn, who was still slightly trembling and staring at him wide-eyed. "Pawn noticed that I was gone and came looking for me. We came upon the reactor, and we just surveyed the surroundings for any sign of squatting."

There was a long pause between them, and both men were looking at Ratcliff questionably.

Ratcliff fidgeted, his pulse somehow becoming even faster. His mind began to pick apart everything he had said, going over it to make sure it at least sounded legit. But by the looks on their faces, it most likely didn't.

"This area is restricted," Haskin said simply, his eyes burrowing into Ratcliff's. "Not only did you leave your post, you put yourself and Belov in danger, which put us in danger coming to look for you."

"I understand. I guess I got a little overzealous. I didn't want us to fail our mission," Ratcliff said apologetically, but his own heart lurched over his words.

Haskin's eyes seemed to be peering right through them still, past their tense forms and to the entrance to the reactor. But he looked back at them, giving them a simple nod. "Report back to the inn," was all he said.

They both hesitated, shuffling their feet on the ground.

"Go!"

They both stiffened again and turned sharply on their heels.

"Come on, Pawn, let's go, yeah?" Haskin was able to hear Ratcliff say as they started to head down the path.

He got onto his radio, contacting Luxiere. "They're headed back now." He looked to the mako reactor again. "I'll follow them shortly."

Haskin wasn't able to hear Ratcliff's cries of anguish down the path not a few minutes later.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Three: No Sleep, No Answers.

Ending Author's Note: Oh, Graves, you naughty boy … always getting into some sort of trouble. Elici will have to watch over you now to make sure you behave.

… What? Don't look at me like that.

And where the hell did Ratcliff get a hand grenade! Er...I mean gun. Hm … quite peculiar indeed.

Pawn's real name is Alexei Belov, by the way. That's who Haskin was referring to towards the end there. Once again, I do not own Pawn's character. He's my darling friend Rina's OC, used with her permission of course.

Well, I derped in my last artist comments. I was originally gonna skip three weeks, but then I realized the date I had given for this update was only two...*facepalm*...so you all got the chapter one week earlier than I intended. You're all spoiled!

Speaking of spoiled. More Malady fan-art! This time, it's the opening scene *misleading nosebleed time!* in doujinshi form! This is by the very talented and awesome KishikoKei! (Remove the spaces before entering them in your web browser!):

h t t p : / / kishiko-kei. deviantart. com/ art/ ZackxCloud-Final-Version-183073081

Nnngh...misleading art is misleading. But still yummy, nonetheless.

Also, Outai Tabibito drew me a cute something-something as well! Cloud in a kimono! Zack nosebleeding! HILARIOUSLY AWESOME, MUCH?:

h t t p : / / glaciergirl. Deviantart. com/ art/ Little-something-for-Ziggy-183501318

Zack's noodley arms crack me up.

Thanks and love to both of you!

So this time, I'm going to do three weeks again. Writing has been slow for me lately. I hit a bit of a dry spell for a bit, but I'm confident that I'll get my muse back soon. Just be patient, yes? Next chapter will be Tuesday, November 16th!


	43. Chapter FortyThree: No Sleep, No Answers

Chapter Forty-Three: No Sleep, No Answers

* * *

Cloud hadn't seen Ratcliff in over a month. Two weeks of that had been expected while on his mission, but the other two, he was unaccounted. Perhaps the team he was assigned with caught onto some sort of lead and their orders were extended. Maybe Cloud had forgotten the correct date of Ratcliff's return – he wasn't sure.

But when he caught sight of the boy named Pawn roaming the halls, and even Haskin barking at a few people with his _important _new red muffler, he was left with nothing more than a twisted knot in his stomach when Ratcliff was no where to be found.

He managed to catch up to Pawn, who looked more distressed than usual, especially when he saw that Cloud was approaching him. He stumbled in fear, and Cloud had to stop and stare at him for a moment, never have been one to intimidate many people, so this came at a great surprise.

It took the boy a few moments to compose his stammering – which was worse than usual – to be able to even squeak out some form of incoherent greeting to Cloud. He uttered what sounded like a pained squeal, and then ran off at the very mention of Ratcliff's name. Cloud tried to catch up with him, but the boy was lost in a sea of infantrymen roaming the halls, and through Cloud getting a sudden and sharp headache that left him disorientated.

Another week passed by, and any time he tried to inquire to Pawn about Ratcliff, Haskin always seemed to be hovering nearby and found some sort of reason to separate them before Cloud could even start a sentence. During one night, Cloud had tried several times to slip out of bed and wake Pawn – who was only a few bunks over – but as soon as his feet would touch the ground, Haskin would order him back to bed. On the fifth try, Haskin threatened to have him sent to the brig. He wondered if Haskin ever slept. He wondered if he was to be able to as well.

It was cold. The bunks around him were completely empty. Elici and Graves' to his left had been untouched in quite some time. If it hadn't been for the field days where they were ordered to clean the barrack, they probably would collect dust. To his right, the bunk once belonging to Evans, the young man whom Elici had been deployed with on that fateful mission, was empty. Above him, no movement or sounds came from Ratcliff's bunk; it all was eerily cold.

He didn't sleep that night; he didn't sleep the next. And he wished he had, because then his mind wouldn't have been producing hundreds of possibilities of Ratcliff's whereabouts. He wanted sleep; he _needed_ sleep. He was so tired by the third day that he nearly dozed off during rifle practice while kneeling to take aim. If it hadn't been for the sudden gunfire at the targets from the men around him, he surely would have fallen asleep with his cheek on the butt of the rifle. He had received his lowest marks ever during that rifle qualification and didn't have an answer for Kunsel, who had been supervising, as to why he was unable to concentrate. He didn't want him to know that he wasn't sleeping; he dreaded being forced into the infirmary.

_The infirmary. _Why didn't he think to check there?

Scouring the infirmary for Ratcliff that day wasn't very successful. He wasn't in the patient database, and it didn't take long for a nurse to recognize Cloud and ask if he was admitting himself as she passed by. He didn't know whether to be ashamed or insulted. It wasn't until he left – very discouraged – did he realize that he probably looked as distressed as he felt. It was no wonder she thought he was ill.

So Cloud decided to ask Kunsel if he knew any information about Ratcliff. The start of his conversation was interrupted by Haskin, of course, but one sharp look from beneath Kunsel's helmet, and Haskin withdrew. But it didn't matter.

Not even Kunsel knew where Ratcliff was.

* * *

A two more days passed, and Cloud was feeling as though he were losing track of how long Ratcliff was truly gone for. With no one providing answers and causing him so much worry, time seemed to drag and blend together, especially when he only caught a few hours of sleep those two nights from sheer exhaustion. He wasn't even sure that it had been two days since he failed his rifle qualification.

The unit awoke early one morning – what exact morning, Cloud was curious to know – and assembled in an inspection line. Cloud's eyes glanced over to Kunsel, who was passing out a single piece of paper to each man in the line, and his stomach lurched at the thought of being sent out on a mission. He would be a hazard to anyone he was teamed with due to his lack of sleep.

Kunsel handed him his results of his rifle qualification and gave him a lingering stare that Cloud was unable to interpret, and he walked to the next man beside him. His own eyes looked down at the paper to see the issue date. It really had been two days – that was a relief. But the papers didn't make sense. He had to rub at his eyes and intake a quick breath of air to be able to reread them without his eyes traveling around the paper as if it were blank.

It said he passed.

_But … I had failed._

He was so busy studying the paper and his passing score, that he barely noticed a second page in his hand. He fumbled for it, but it slipped from his hand in his anxiety. He went to catch it as it whipped out in front of him, but overbalanced in his drowsy state and dropped to his knees. He managed to slap the top sheet onto the second one as he landed, covering it. He glanced around to the men, who were giving him curious looks; he hoped that no one saw what he had – especially Haskin.

It was a medical report of some sort.

The men were disbanded to the mess hall for breakfast. He heard Kunsel's voice chuckle sympathetically in his ear as he felt himself being hoisted back to his feet.

"You okay?"

Cloud nodded, readjusting his shoulder armor that had slipped during his fall. "Yes, sir."

Kunsel scoffed a little and grabbed the armor harnesses on his shoulders, giving them a tug. "Tighten these up, Strife. You look like a slob."

Cloud forced a chuckle, rustling the papers in his hand. "Um, sir? A-about this …"

"Yeah, been meaning to talk to you about–" Kunsel stopped himself from speaking as Haskin briskly walked up once the rest of the men filed out of the barrack. Kunsel raised an eyebrow at him. "Something you need, Haskin?" he said rather curtly.

The papers rustled again when Cloud shifted the top sheet over the report to hide it, but Haskin had cleared his throat at that moment before he spoke. He didn't seem to notice.

"Sir, I was going to inquire as to why the cadet here wasn't making his way down to the mess hall like he was ordered."

Cloud opened his mouth to speak nervously, but Kunsel cut him off.

"I would assume that since you saw Strife talking to _me, _that it would be clear."

"I understand, sir, but unless Strife wants to miss breakfast, he should obey orders–"

"I'm in charge here and have reason to speak with Strife; he is clearly not disobeying orders."

Haskin straightened then, realizing he had crossed a line.

"You'd be quick to be overzealous with me," Kunsel said firmly. His face softened from the harsh look it had taken as he turned to Cloud. "Besides, he doesn't mind missing out on a bit of that slop, do you, Strife?" He patted Cloud's shoulder.

"No, sir," Cloud said. He was hungry, but it would be worth missing it for this information.

It looked as though the gears were turning quickly in Haskin's mind, as though he were trying to come up with some sort of way to outsmart Kunsel with proper protocol – possibly to prevent them from speaking further. Kunsel must have realized this.

"I think it's breakfast time for you, Haskin. Don't you agree?" he said pointedly.

Haskin's eyes narrowed, but he gave a stiff salute and exited through the double doors.

"Man, it's nice to have help, but being promoted to a commander sure has gone to his head."

"He's always been like that, though," Cloud said thoughtfully, even though he knew Haskin's imposing had hidden motives. "But, um, sir? About the scores …"

Kunsel nodded and began to remove the bottom sheet from his hands. "Yeah, the 'scores'."

"No, really, about my rifle scores. I thought I failed."

There was a moment's pause that was heavy, and Kunsel's face twisted into confusion.

"Failed? No, you didn't fail," he said slowly. "You were off your game, but I never said you failed."

Cloud frowned, his eyes trailing back down to the paper. He wracked his brain; maybe he had been so tired that day, that he somehow convinced himself that he had failed when looking back on how bad he had done.

"Are you okay?"

He looked up. Kunsel was staring at him oddly, his mouth contorted into a concerned frown, but his eyes scanned him over like he was under some sort of formal inspection.

"Fine, sir."

"Cloud, come on. You can tell me. What's been going on? It looks like you haven't slept at all."

Cloud shifted on his feet uncomfortably, and his head immediately lowered in hopes that his hair would cover up the dark circles beneath his eyes. "Really, I'm fine. Just … need a little extra sleep, is all. Don't tell Zack, though … and please don't send me to the infirmary."

Kunsel scoffed and took the bottom sheet from Cloud quickly, hiding it behind his back. "You know, information like this is hard to come by. I don't ask for much usually, but …"

"I'll get some sleep tonight," Cloud said at once. "And if I can't … I'll go to the infirmary, I promise." Cloud grimaced at his own words. But it seemed to have done the trick, and Kunsel handed him back the paper, stepping so close to him that it made Cloud feel a bit uncomfortable.

"A medical report on Ratcliff," he mumbled and Cloud's heart jumped. "Something happened on his mission. I don't know what, but it had something to do with him."

Cloud frantically looked over the paper as Kunsel continued to speak, as though it would be torn from his hands at any second.

"It's not much, and it's vague. But after the men returned with no sign of Ratcliff, I did some snooping."

"But I checked at the infirmary! They said he wasn't there."

"And you believed them?"

Cloud replied with nothing. He read the report, which was indeed vague, not listing any specific injuries or illnesses, but just stating that Ratcliff was admitted and dispensed various types of medications. The primary doctor assigned to him was not solely a medical doctor, but one he recognized as the name of the psychiatrist that worked in the same office as his psychologist – Dr. Bleier was his name.

"If he's not hurt, why does this report say he's been kept in the infirmary?"

"More importantly, why is he seeing a _psychiatrist_, of all people?" Kunsel replied, his eyes narrowed in thought.

"What do you mean?" Cloud felt himself blanching at Kunsel's tone. It was rather dreadful.

"Do you know one of the main differences between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?"

He shook his head.

"Psychiatrists can prescribe medication."

Cloud glanced back down to the list of at least five different medications, even though the names meant nothing to him.

"I recognize some of those from all the medical reports I've had to review of my men in the past. Standard prescribed medication for anxiety and PTSD. But a few of those I've never seen before."

"What do you suppose they're for?"

"I haven't a clue," he said, shrugging. "But look closer. He was originally seeing Dr. Arolin, but then was switched to this other guy not even a day later. That's when the medication was prescribed. Do you know anything about him?"

Cloud shook his head. All Cloud knew was that he was an older man, quite a number of years difference with Dr. Arolin, and weathered-looking. He had a massively deep voice that seemed to travel easily, but that was it. "Nothing. I worked in his office, but I only interacted with him a few times in passing."

"He used to work as a lab rat some years ago for the Science Department, slowly working on his Ph.D in the meantime. Rose through the ranks over the years, if you will. Now he is a huge supporter of that department, its divisions and its members. I'm assuming this means the pharmaceutical division as well. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a lot of sway in what was developed and for what purpose."

Cloud felt as though his own prescription bottle became heavy inside his pocket. "What're you saying?"

Kunsel was quiet for a moment, only making a noise to scoff in annoyance when his phone suddenly beeped. He opened it and frowned once he read the contents. "Shit, gotta go. Damn Guard Hounds broke free down in the labs. Last time this happened, Zack tried to tell me that waving around Cure materia as a distraction caught their attention long enough to capture them," he muttered, stuffing his phone back into his pocket. "Boy, was he wrong." He started to walk off briskly.

"Sir–"

"All I'm saying is that I think it's a bit strange that his doctor would be changed so quickly, and that he's been hidden away like that. Maybe you should pay Dr. Arolin a visit." And Kunsel left.

* * *

_Hidden._

It was making more sense now. The reason why Haskin made everything Cloud did his personal business, and why Pawn's spine seemed to crumple like paper mâché whenever he neared. They were hiding Ratcliff not just from Cloud, but from everyone. No one had heard from him or had seen him. Not even Kumpf or Zabalza, who had brought it up at breakfast in the chow hall, had heard anything about him or his whereabouts.

Haskin had made slipping away from the unit later that day during his off time to investigate rather difficult. Whenever Cloud had tried to leave, Haskin found anything wrong in the barrack and ordered Cloud to fix – mend, clean, break, fix again, and sew – it, just to stop him.

The only good that had come from this was all this activity had made Cloud feel strangely energized, albeit very, very angry.

It must have been apparent how Cloud was feeling over suddenly becoming the barrack slave to a number of unexplained messes, because Haskin marched right up to him, adjusting that _important _red muffler, and through a few choice words, reminded Cloud of the _staggering_ difference in their ranks.

Cloud couldn't help but to get a bit defensive and stick up for himself, even if it did land him on his palms and toes doing one hundred pushups at Haskin's feet as punishment for having done so.

The thick, smug air around the man was making it hard for Cloud to actually do them. He was losing energy quickly, and with each pushup that he struggled through, it seemed to make Haskin all the more smug. He had thought he was about to collapse as he rounded the fifty-fourth, but had been saved when Haskin's phone beeped in his pocket.

He had muttered something about Guard Hounds having escaped in the labs and left in a hurry.

Kunsel walked in as he was leaving, and Cloud had heard him mutter, "Have fun," in a very amused sort of way. He had then helped Cloud to his feet, and said in the same amused tone, "That'll keep him busy for a while. At least, long enough to let you go visit someone."

If Cloud's arms had not been burning in pain and his head spinning, he probably would have given Kunsel a hug, or at least, a very hearty handshake.

Now, Cloud was taking ginger steps down the flights of stairs that led to the medical floor. His muscles had yet to recover from the pushups, but he made it out of the stairwell and rounded the corner in the halls.

Cloud stopped quickly when he saw Zack leaving the psychologist's office, and any fatigue that he had felt in his body instantly left him. He had not seen Zack in over a week, as both of their schedules had conflicted greatly and Zack was assigned on a mission for a few days when Genesis clones had been spotted in Kalm. He had admittedly not been as worried about Zack as he had been Ratcliff, and with good reason. Zack looked his usual handsome self, and Cloud felt his face turn hot with an enjoyable rush of emotions.

He wasn't sure if it was because he had just descended ten flights of stairs after doing nearly sixty pushups, or because of seeing Zack unexpectedly like this, but his heart was beating fast.

Cloud started to follow him, willing his legs to move faster as Zack swiftly walked to the elevators. But he stopped when he heard his name being called from behind him.

It was the blonde psychologist.

Cloud suddenly remembered why he was there in the first place. He gave Zack a second glance before sighing and turning around to face her. He would have to search out Zack later on to hopefully spend a bit more time with him.

"I was notified by your superior saying that you wanted to see me," she said as he followed her into the main office. He took an odd sort of comfort in seeing that it had not changed much since he was last there. The same cheerful paintings on the walls, that certainly didn't make the patients feel cheerful; the same music that tried to accomplish the same thing, but horribly failed; even the soft couches that tried to look inviting, but Cloud knew that the moment that he sat on them, it would consume him with guilt and insecurities.

Her office had not changed at all either, except for the fact that it was horribly chilly. The air conditioner was on and blasting, and it felt nice, but the air duct was right above the patient couch, and the hairs on Cloud's arms prickled with the breeze and his nerves. He sat once she did in her chair, both of them exchanging brief and polite smiles.

His drained away quickly, but hers stayed and perhaps stretched into an even wider one, much warmer than the surrounding air, that was for certain. "It's nice to see you, Cloud." Her voice was upbeat, as though she were genuinely happy to see him.

He couldn't exactly say the same, but he did for the sake of being polite. "It's nice to see you too, Dr. Blei–"

She gave him a quizzical look as he cut himself off and shook his head, correcting himself. He had to think for a moment.

"_Dr. Arolin_." It felt strange to use her actual name. Had he ever addressed her with it before?

"You can call me Sandra, if you like. I'm not exactly your doctor anymore, am I?" Her smile was definitely warm now, her eyes sparkling behind her glasses in a way that Cloud had never seen before. Then again, he never really did look at her in the past. It was always forced glances – quick but very much painful. But things were different now, if only a little; he was at least there of his own will.

"Um … well, I'll stick with Dr. Arolin for now, if that's okay."

The psychologist nodded. "Of course." She paused, and Cloud was unsure if she was waiting for him to speak.

"Everything … is confidential, right?"

That warm smile faded very quickly, and was replaced with a serious expression that in a way was more unnerving than if she had continued to smile through whatever answer she gave, whether positive or negative. "Of course," she said.

He didn't quite know how to word this. He was fairly sure that he wasn't suppose to know what he knew. But after he gave it thought, he blurted, "Where's Ratcliff?" There really was no other way to say it.

But she seemed to ignore him. "I was so surprised to hear that you were coming by my office. I was lucky that my three o'clock suddenly canceled, otherwise I wouldn't have the time to speak with you."

Cloud sat politely, but very confused.

"Everything going okay with you? And with Mr. Fair?"

"Yes, everything's just fine," he said slowly, his brow furrowing. "But–"

"I saw in your chart that you returned to the infirmary a few months back. Are you still getting those headaches?"

He was certainly getting one right now.

"No," he quickly lied. "I'm fine."

"Just 'fine'? Remember what we talked about during our sessions. Try and use a different, more accurate–"

"Where is Ratcliff!" Cloud stood up angrily, shocked at his sudden outburst, but he made no effort to show that he was. He continued, "I'm not in one of your damn sessions right now, so just answer me!"

She hadn't flinched, and she hadn't said a word. The only time she moved was to smile a little when she watched Cloud seat himself back down stiffly. "It's rather cold in here, isn't it?" she finally said over the loud droning of the air conditioner.

Cloud's mouth fell open, his brow feeling as though it was permanently stuck furrowed in this way. "I don't care about that. I want to know where Ratcliff is."

"I cannot disclose that information," she said simply.

He couldn't stop himself from challenging her. "Why not?"

They both fell silent. He sat there forcing himself to hold an intense eye contact with her. He might not have been nearly as carefully worded as she, or as quick-witted with years of experience picking apart human behavior and nature, but he was determined to get his point across with or without strategic words.

Slowly, very slowly Cloud could tell she was mulling something over and starting to give. The expression on her face staled, muscles becoming tired of being frozen, even if they were in a relaxed position. She blinked after what felt like an hour, and he thought he heard her sigh softly. Somewhere, a door closing in the office cut through the silence, and her concentration broke for just a moment, her eyes glancing away. Cloud leaned forward on the couch, setting his jaw firmly in place in wait as she opened her mouth to speak.

"If you ever get cold in here, feel free to turn the air off," she finally said.

"That's it!" Cloud threw his hands up in frustration, letting his anger get the better of him. "Thanks for the help," he muttered, not bothering to cover up the layers of sarcasm lining each word.

"Cloud," she said softly, and he could hear that she stood up as he went to the door.

"I'm stupid for even coming here expecting your help. I guess I shouldn't have expected much anyway."

She repeated his name in such a hurt tone that Cloud immediately began to feel guilty for having been rude to her. He stopped his hand from opening the door, his brain now screaming with thousands of apologies that she probably wouldn't allow him to say. But it took him a moment to realize that it wasn't so much a hurtful tone as it was … imploring.

He turned to see that she had a business card jutted out at him, that warm smile back on her face, although slightly shaken. "What's this?"

"An appointment card. Let's see each other tomorrow."

Another door somewhere shut in the office, and she pushed it further towards him.

He grew angry, any feeling of regret for having spoken his mind to her melting away under that damned air conditioner above him. "No, this is the last place I want to be."

She glanced at her watch and seemed to ignore him once again, but her voice was no longer calm as it had been. "At two fifteen tomorrow."

"No."

"Don't bother signing in with the receptionist. Just come on back to my office, like we did today." Now her voice was pointed; each word was stressed.

Cloud stared, his eyes flickering against hers. Her glasses had slipped down on her nose, but she made no attempt to push them up. Instead, her hand was busy urging the appointment card into Cloud's.

He took it, but didn't look at it. He was too busy trying to pick apart her strange expression. "Fine," he said flatly.

She finally backed away, moving around to her desk swiftly. "Wait, you'll need this." She jotted something down on a slip of paper, and then handed it to him. It was a note excusing him from duty in the morning. "You know, for that new _commander _of yours."

He nodded numbly and slipped out of her office.

* * *

He wasn't entirely sure if he could trust the psychologist. He had his suspicions as to why she wanted to see him the following day, but he couldn't imagine it was to tell him where Ratcliff was. He was tempted to not show, but the pleading look on her face and in her voice made him reconsider. He wasn't being forced there, so if it ended up becoming a waste of time, he would simply leave.

Unsatisfied, Cloud decided to check back at the infirmary again in hope that someone would give and slip up, revealing that the man was indeed there. But it was pointless, because everyone who worked for Shin-Ra seemed to be an expert at being tight-lipped.

He had to be in there. There really was no other place that the man could have been. So Cloud began to poke around areas of the medical floor for quite some time. The pharmacy to start with, but when the technicians took notice of him and that he wasn't waiting for a prescription, he decided it best to leave. He tried the physical therapy gym, the imaging departments, hell, even the bathrooms.

The only person he did manage to spot was Haskin. Cloud wondered if he had gotten hurt, but when he noticed that Haskin was stalking about the infirmary, as though he were on the prowl, Cloud could only imagine that he was looking for him. So Cloud slipped away as fast as he could, nearly bumping into a man in a dark suit in the hallways near the psychologist's office. Cloud muttered a quick apology and hurried on, feeling that Haskin would turn the corner and spot him at any moment.

Somehow he wound up at Zack's door, panting and trying to calm himself. He didn't want to know how much trouble he would have been in had Haskin caught him looking for Ratcliff. He wouldn't know what grounds he would have been disciplined on as he really wasn't breaking any rules, but Haskin would surely think of something. Maybe Haskin would have reprimanded him for having a sloppy uniform, as his damned armor straps kept slipping about.

But Cloud forgot all of that once he heard Zack letting out a very loud and unrestrained yawn from inside. He sounded much like a dog yawning away so carefree, and Cloud must have chuckled at this louder than he thought, for no sooner had he raised his hand to knock, the door was already opening in front of him.

The greet he received pleasantly surprised him. He had never seen Zack look this animated before, and before he knew it, he was being pulled into the apartment with strong arms wrapping around his body and with a hearty laugh filling his ears.

"Heya, Cloud!" Zack said, squeezing him so tight that Cloud thought his helmet would rattle right off his head. "I missed you!"

Cloud smiled when Zack removed his helmet for him anyway and began to place a few eager kisses to his face. "Missed you too."

"I thought I heard someone outside my door," Zack said, setting Cloud's helmet on the coffee table. He plopped down on the couch with a heavy sigh, motioning for Cloud to follow. "Sure glad it was you. I was afraid it was Tseng again. I had only been back for a matter of hours and already I had him bugging me to turn in a report I forgot about to one of the offices. The bastard didn't give me any time to relax once I got in."

Cloud sat beside him, and they both instinctively moved closer together, Zack's hands already wrapping around his shoulders and bringing him close. "Yeah, I saw you a little bit ago actually."

Zack pulled away, looking down at Cloud with wide eyes, as though he were shocked. "You did? Where …? What floor?"

"The …" Cloud trailed off, noticing a worried expression coming across Zack's face, but Zack was trying to mask it by offering up a smile when their eyes met.

Why _had _Zack come from the psychologist's office? The more Cloud questioned that in his mind, the stranger it seemed by the second. Cloud wondered if it had something to do with Ratcliff. Did the psychologist call Zack and tell him that Cloud had been there, angry and rude, demanding to know more about what he shouldn't have known about in the first place? Did Zack even know that Ratcliff was being hidden away?

A wary feeling took over his body at the thought that Zack might have known what was going on, and had been involved in this, but he tried not to let his mind wander around such farfetched ideas.

But a thought suddenly occurred to him, and he found himself shaking his head. He had seen Zack _before _he had gone into the psychologist's office to speak with her. He silently scolded himself for having thought any of that. A lingering question still floated in the back of his mind. Zack was still leaving her office, regardless.

"I … don't remember where, now that I think about it," he lied.

Zack seemed to relax as he leaned back on the cushions, pulling Cloud against him again. "It could've been anywhere," Zack said, then paused for a brief moment. "Tseng had me going a lot of places for him today."

"But you're done now, right?" Cloud said, smiling at the thought of having the rest of the night off with him.

"Well, as long as I have my phone on me, there's always the chance of me getting called up."

"Then 'misplace' it," Cloud said coyly.

"No can do, I'm supposed to have it on me at all times." Zack frowned, having remembered the last time he tried to ditch it in Director Lazard's office. It ended up back to him, being personally delivered by Reno, complete with those text messages he would rather soon forget.

"Then at least turn it off and don't answer the door if anyone comes."

Zack let out an astounded sort of laugh, and his gaze rounded quickly on the boy next to him. "You make is sound as if we're gonna be doing something we wouldn't want interrupted."

Cloud's face reddened, and he even looked surprised that he had said something that might have sounded that way. "N-no, I just meant that–"

A sly grin slid onto Zack's face and he lowered his voice seductively. "I know what you meant, Cloud. It's okay." He leaned down, nuzzling his nose against Cloud's neck, which caused the boy to shiver. "Any time spent with you I wouldn't want interrupted," he murmured, placing a few slow kisses against heated skin.

"W-we have all night, Zack." Cloud pulled away, fidgeting a little as those tiny kisses already started to turn him on, but not having slept for two days left him without an ounce of energy to even think about using the bedroom for anything other than sleep. "Let's just sit here for a bit, okay?"

Zack stopped kissing him, but he couldn't stop the audible and frustrated groan that left his lips no matter how much he tried to hide it with a clearing of his throat afterward. "Sure, of course," he said shortly.

Cloud looked up at him, panic stricken across his face at his tone. "N-never mind, it's okay. We can kiss, if you want."

Zack was clearly frustrated over something, and he rubbed his face in his hands vigorously. "But that's not what you want, so we don't have to. It's just that it's been a while since we last saw each other, and, well …" Zack trailed off, shrugging his shoulders rather lamely to finish that thought.

Cloud was right, they did have all night to spend together, and Zack immediately was looking as though he felt stupid for having jumped to starting _that_ so soon. He didn't even ask how Cloud's day had been going, or how his week went, for that matter.

Cloud was quiet for a moment, nibbling on his bottom lip in thought. "Why do we have to do what I want? Why not what you want?"

Zack let out another frustrated sound, but it was released through a weary smile. "It's about making sacrifices and compromises, Cloud. People will disagree on what they want, but to get along and be happy, someone has to give." He smiled at him wider now.

_Someone has to give._

Cloud suddenly felt very drowsy, but it was a pleasurable drowsiness that mimicked the feeling of taking a nap in the warm sun. He slumped into Zack with a sigh and mumbled, "You're always the one that seems to be giving, though."

"That's not true," Zack said softly, running his hand through Cloud's hair before setting his chin down on top of his head. "You give me so much. Much more than you probably realize."

"Like what?" It was a question not of a challenge, but one of honest curiosity.

Zack was taken aback. He wasn't expecting Cloud to question him like that. He had a storm of reasons in his head, but to calm them and single out one on the spot without sounding corny, he knew would be impossible.

But he wasn't given time to answer. Cloud lifted his head, and Zack finally seemed to notice how tired he looked, for he frowned heavily at him.

"You feeling okay? You look … really damn tired," Zack said, sounding exasperated over him.

Cloud sat up sharply, turning away instinctively. "Yeah, fine."

"Rough day? I'm sorry, I should've asked you how things have been going."

"Fine," he said, his voice very brisk, and he knew that Zack wasn't fooled.

Zack made some form of confused noise of acknowledgment, but didn't pry further. An awkward silence followed after, which was broken by Zack turning on the television and by the leather squeaking when Cloud eventually shifted back towards him to cuddle.

They held each other for a while, aching muscles and churning thoughts of the day finally winding down. Conversation was mild, but was no longer awkward or frustrating, even if Zack was feeling a bit aroused.

And Cloud knew this, and he tried to take into consideration what Zack had said about sacrifices and compromising. It was true. Zack did sacrifice a lot when dealing with everything that had happened in the past with Cloud. And the man compromised with him whenever he was unsure about his decisions or feelings and didn't take advantage of him. Instead, he always offered Cloud his patience and understanding, even if Zack himself was frustrated and confused at the time. He did whatever he could to make Cloud feel comfortable.

_Someone has to give …_

Cloud sat up straight from leaning against Zack's chest. He turned, slipping onto his lap with a sudden determination that left Zack more wide-eyed than he had ever seen him. He placed a finger to his mouth when it opened to speak.

A sultry hush slipped between his lips before meeting Zack's. He kissed him once – slow with a deep breath in. "Turn your phone off," Cloud whispered, his lips not moving away.

"W-why?" Zack whispered back, shivering slightly in anticipation of Cloud's answer.

"I don't want us to be interrupted."

Zack let out a moan of longing as his fingers fumbled with the buttons on his phone to shut it off, and another one as they headed to the bedroom.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Four: Giving In.

Ending Author's Usual Babble: I love Kunsel. Just sayin'. XD

Just a few things …

'Field day' is a military term for the day that the men are forced to clean up the barracks. XD

That inside joke was for you two … you know who you are. ;3

Sorry about the three weeks. I just haven't been able to keep up with writing as much as I used to. I blame "Harry Potter" for some of that. I started reading the series in the middle of September and just now finished the seventh book the other day. I claim that I hate to read, but I actually love it. The only reason why I say that I hate it is because I get ADDICTED to reading and won't do anything else if I'm hooked on a book. OTZ But yeah, that slowed me down, but it was worth it. Such a good series of books. :3

We'll do two weeks this time. Let's see if I can catch up now that I'm done cramming wizardry into my head. So Tuesday, November 30th! Have a good Thanksgiving holiday for all the Americans reading. I am thankful for Zack and Cloud. Lol...

Love, and thanks for reading and especially for those who review! o3ob


	44. Chapter FortyFour: Giving In

Chapter Forty-Four: Giving In

Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to my lovely Djali/Kitsuchi-chan. Happy birthday, Love, and thank you for all that you've done for me and all the support you've given me. I hope your birthday was amazing as this chapter is. LOL I'M SO BAD. *is shot* XD But read on …

* * *

Delicate streams of light peeked through the slats in the blinds and crawled the length of the room lazily. They weakened and faded in and out as dominating gray clouds drifted across the sun, flaunting chances of rain with their color, but their bluff was called from the vividly blue sky in which they were surrounded.

Birds looked as though they would be chirping on this morning, but there were little trees on the upper plates that they would be able to collectively nest in, and any scarce sound they would make would not travel so high. The breeze, however, did make it that high, and it invited itself in through the open window in Zack's bedroom, stirring up the warmth of the sunlight around the two forms – one asleep, the other awake and enjoying watching the other.

It wasn't the warmth of the light, or the cool breeze that began to rouse Cloud – it was the hand that was trailing along his eyebrows, as they furrowed briefly, that was slowly bringing him from his slumber. The touch was gentle, dare he think _ticklish _so early in the morning, but he heard himself let out a single hum of amusement between the sounds of his steady breathing.

He felt at peace; each thought that would normally be swirling about his head – good or bad – was subdued in the comfort next to him, like an angry swarm of bees calming with smoke. But the smoke was but a loving murmur besides him, addressing him; yet, he couldn't bring himself to fully rouse from such a serene feeling, or even from the tickling touch across his forehead. It was as though the voice was so distant, hidden behind something that was trying to keep him apart.

He was trying to remember how he came to such a state. It was hard to concentrate on anything but the peaceful void in his mind. He felt as though if he were to disrupt it, he would forever lose this feeling.

"Really, Cloud, how much longer?"

_Just a little longer …_

"As much as I've enjoyed lying next to you all morning, it's really time to get up."

He heard himself mumble something, but didn't even feel his lips move. He just knew that whatever he managed to say made Zack laugh a little.

"You've been asleep for more than ten hours. I thought we were gonna spend some time together," Zack said lightheartedly.

_We did … didn't we?_

Daylight was now flooding his eyes as they opened, pouring into his sight impatiently, as if it had been waiting around for hours to do so. He saw Zack lying on his side facing him, his chest bare, and as he stretched a little and the blanket shifted, Cloud saw that he was fully nude.

His heart started to thump heavy in his chest when he realized that he was wearing nothing but his boxers, and that angry swarm in his mind awoken. He was now trying to piece together everything from the night before.

He remembered initiating a kiss, he remembered the door to Zack's room being thrust open carelessly and hitting the wall, he remembered the sound of their muffled moans being blended together between them as they kissed …

Clothes were quickly shed and tossed wherever, the mattress was dipped down beneath them from their weight and frantic, _very_ frantic groping …

Then, that peace had consumed him.

Cloud looked at Zack, unable to say anything once he realized what had happened between them.

He had fallen asleep while they were making out.

It probably looked to Zack as though Cloud had passed out at the time. If Zack only knew how tired he was from having had such little sleep, it probably would have made some sense when one moment their tongues had been hungrily seeking out the other, and the next Cloud lay motionless beneath him.

But Zack mentioned nothing, and when Cloud's sight fully adjusted to the light in the room, a good morning was spilled warmly from Zack's lips when they parted open in a toothy smile.

"Good morning. You're finally awake."

"Zack, I can't believe it," Cloud said eagerly, but his voice was hoarse with drowsiness. "I fell asleep on you, didn't I?"

Now it was coming back more clearly as his drowsy state started to ebb away. Things surely had been getting heated the night before. He started to recall the urgency in Zack's reactions to his touching. He even heard the conversation again in his head that they had been having, although it wasn't so much a conversation as it was heady words and demands lustfully uttered. He felt himself blushing at some of the words he was remembering.

Zack grinned in a way that Cloud had a hard time interpreting. "Oh," he said, a slight humorous tremor in his voice, as though he were trying not to laugh, "don't worry about me."

Cloud frowned, guilt washing over every inch of him.

"Although, I probably should go and buy more … um … lube. There's a lot less of it now." Zack sat up, Cloud catching what he thought was a bashful expression on his face, one that he was probably making himself, especially when the blankets slipped further and revealed Zack's full body to him.

"Huh?" Cloud muttered, his eyes peeling away from Zack's groin when the man had reached over and grabbed something off the nightstand.

Zack snorted, holding up a box of tissues. "Look what I remembered to bring in here, just in case. Came in handy last night."

It was definitely a bashful look on Zack's face, Cloud now confirmed.

And slowly, he realized what Zack was talking about.

"Zack," Cloud choked out, "y-you did _that _next to me while I slept!" Cloud felt his face on fire from shock.

"Well, n-not next to you, like I was gettin' off watching as you slept or anything!" Zack cried out in his defense, his voice cracking in several places.

There was an awkward silence, and Cloud's eyes were terribly wide and unblinking.

"But I was left a little high and dry," he offered quickly, as though it were to make the situation a little less uncomfortable. But it didn't for Cloud.

"But … i-in the same room!"

"What's the big deal? It's not like we haven't done anything before. Might I remind you, we've both sucked each other off at the same–"

"That's different!" Cloud said at once, pulling the blanket up to his chest to hide himself.

Zack looked down at him, what once was a sheepish look now turning into one of confusion. "Cloud, are you really bothered by that? I didn't know that you would be so private about that after everything we've shared together."

"But that's _different,_" Cloud now spoke in desperation, even though he didn't bother to elaborate or back up his statement. He just fell quiet again, looking as though he knew he already lost the conversation with no reasoning behind it.

The blankets rustled as Zack slipped back beneath them, scooting over to Cloud. He reached out and pawed around for Cloud's hands, then pulled them away from clutching at his chest to rest against his own.

"You were out like a light, though," Zack said slowly, changing the subject as best he could. "One minute you were giving me a run for my money, then before I knew it, I was doing all the work. Took me a few moments to realize that you were snoring."

"I-I know, I didn't mean to," Cloud said earnestly, allowing his hands to be brought to Zack's bare chest. He felt his eyebrows arching at the firm and warm body beneath his fingertips, and a chill ran through him as more of what could have been their night flashed through his mind. He heard a minute moan escape his lips.

But no matter how minute it was, Zack still heard it. He took that moment to shift even closer, wrapping one arm around Cloud's waist and bringing them together, their bodies meeting. Zack was a little disappointed that he could feel Cloud's boxers against his own bare skin, but he wouldn't have felt right removing those after Cloud was already asleep.

"I can see you feel bad about leaving me hanging like that." He smirked at his choice of words; he was hardly _hanging _the previous night. "So maybe … you can make it up to me this morning," he murmured, leaning into Cloud and nuzzling his forehead.

"Your phone still off?" Cloud murmured back, and his eyes closed when Zack began to kiss his face slowly.

"It is."

"How … do you want me to make it up to you?" Cloud's breath hitched in his chest when Zack's hands began to trail between them, rustling the blanket in a way that Cloud knew wouldn't be such an innocent sound much longer, the more that those hands roamed.

Zack kissed down to his lips, lingering there for a moment before making his way across his jawline and towards his ear. His hand began to stroke Cloud's stomach, leaning more into him to roll him onto his back.

Cloud looked up at him, his eyes hazy, picking up right where they had left off the night before with that amorous expression. He let out a similar whimper he had released the night before, as well, when Zack's tongue began to lap at his earlobe.

"Touch yourself," Zack whispered in his ear.

Cloud shuddered against him, his body immediately flushing in obvious embarrassment. "Zack, no."

But Zack ignored him, his tongue delving into Cloud's ear, which he had long since learned that it reduced the boy to a trembling need and a piqued desire. He moaned into his ear softly as his tongue trailed along the contours of it, his face burying into the messy blond hair. "I just couldn't help myself last night," he whispered, pausing for a moment to nibble his earlobe. "You drive me crazy with whatever you do."

"Zack," Cloud said, his voice higher in pitch already.

Zack smirked again, shoving his tongue deep into his ear, having to steady Cloud's body as it convulsed momentarily from the sensation. Cloud relaxed with a breathy moan after a moment, then shifted his body beneath Zack's hand as though he were trying to urge Zack to touch him.

His wordless plea was in vain; Zack made no effort to lower his hand beneath the boxers constricting Cloud's erection.

Instead, his kissing became slow and teasing, each holding the possibility for more, but none actually leading closer to that. Not even when Cloud began to writhe in frustration, his own hands gripping onto Zack's wrists and tugging on them did Zack comply.

"Please," Cloud whispered, his cheeks spotting pink from hearing his ardent tone. "J-just touch me."

Zack chuckled low and calmly as he began to drag his tongue from his ear down his neck, kissing his Adam's apple as it became exposed for him. He said nothing, though, but his lack of obeying was telling Cloud exactly what he didn't want to hear.

"No, Zack … don't make –" He cut himself off with a thick gasp as Zack's hand skimmed teasingly around his erection then across his heaving stomach and around his hip to his thigh where it remained. "- me do it."

He let out a relieved sigh when Zack finally seemed to listen to him, and he felt his boxers being tugged at from beneath the blanket. A shiver ran through him as he lifted his hips eagerly, and his boxers were removed in silence. But whimpers broke that silence when a few minutes in wait, and Cloud realized that Zack was not indulging him in the way that his body was yearning.

Trailing downwards Zack nipped, kissed and licked every inch of Cloud's bare skin, his lips feeling as though they were burning against the boy's body heat. He began to taste hints of perspiration, twinging the taste buds on certain parts of his tongue; he was relishing in the taste of Cloud's crumbling restraint.

"G-gods, Zack …" Cloud was whining now, a tone in which Zack had never heard before. It was making it hard to hold out for this long, but when Cloud started to run his fingers through his dark hair, he knew that it wouldn't be much longer.

Cloud's bellybutton was kissed with a sweet moan from Zack, feeling the moist tip of the boy's erection brushing beneath his chin as Cloud writhed again. He could feel those hands in his hair emitting a downward pressure, with fingertips wrapping around strands for added force, and palms trembling with hesitant desire. He smirked when the pressure suddenly lifted, and a defeated growl filled the room.

"It's okay, Cloud. Touch yourself," Zack murmured against his bellybutton, giving his stomach a nuzzle with his nose.

"No," Cloud said, panting heavily. "That's wrong."

"You can't tell me that you've never done it. That's a lie."

Cloud was quiet through a few more provoking kisses that were now closer to his member. When Zack paused to glance up at him, he looked away and mumbled, "Well … of course I have. Just … not in front of anyone."

"Not even in the barracks late at night when everyone is asleep?"

"No … not really," Cloud said without confidence.

"C'mon, Cloud …" Zack muttered, purring through a few more laps at his skin with his tongue.

Cloud's stomach flinched, his member twitching against Zack's throat again. "N-No, I haven't." He took a minute to recover while Zack grinned at him. The pink in his cheeks suddenly turned red, and his eyebrows that were once furrowed in sexual frustration were now in anger. "Stop asking! You're such a pervert!"

"I'm not," Zack said calmly. "It's just something that couples can do for each other."

Cloud looked baffled. "_For_?" he repeated. "How is this doing anything for you?"

"Well," Zack said, suddenly pulling away from hovering above Cloud's groin, and he got to his knees to lean over him, one hand firmly next to Cloud's head on the pillow, the other running along his own chest. "Just watch me. Tell me if you don't enjoy it."

Cloud was stammering at first, his eyes quickly darting off to the side as he saw Zack's hand finally grasp his own member. He knew his chest was rising and falling quickly, and even erratically, as when Zack let a moan slip from his lips, he felt his breath jerk inside his lungs. He tried not to watch, to catch a glimpse of his thumb swirling about the tip, to watch Zack's brilliant eyes haze over as he submitted to his own lust …

Zack caught a short flicker of interest in Cloud's face, especially when he made a very lengthy groan. He was moving his hand patiently, even though his heart was screaming for more … to experience more and to share more. At first, he was making sounds to get under Cloud's skin, but as he saw the boy reach between them and circle his hand over his stomach close to his own member, those sounds were growing genuine with the anticipation.

And Cloud finally looked over at him, his eyes moving from Zack's face immediately down to where his hand was touching. He watched Zack's hands – rough yet supple in feel, strong yet delicate in touch – run down his length, over every ridge and every inch of himself in a raw act of desire. His own teasing fingers treading lightly over parts that made his brow wrinkle, or his eyes to narrow, left Cloud with a coiling tension in not just between his legs, but throughout his entire body.

"C-Cloud," Zack muttered.

At first, he thought Zack was trying to get his attention, but when he noticed that Zack was lost in the moment as he touched himself, he realized his name had been uttered as though he was the reason for causing Zack that pleasure. He wondered what was going through Zack's mind.

Cloud's hand slipped down, touching himself with an increasing confidence … or lust – he wasn't sure. But it didn't matter what it was. The sight hovering above him, the sound of their hands now moving at the same speed … even their knuckles brushing against each other as their hands passed along … it all was an equal display of emotion for an equal purpose.

A small smirk tugged onto Zack's lips briefly before his eyes closed, the last image he saw was of Cloud's face stained in an embarrassed hue before finally giving in. He wanted to continue watching him, but this alone was an accomplishment, so he decided to give Cloud a bit of privacy, for now, as they both touched themselves.

Pre-come was collecting at Zack's tip, trickling over and catching Cloud's eye. The sight made him groan loudly, his tongue willing to lap at it as well as ask if they could stop using their hands to continue their pleasure. But the look of concentration on Zack's face as he became more animated and eager made it impossible to speak; he didn't want to disturb the man above him. But as Zack's fingers wiped up the fluid in their movement, distributing it across himself, Cloud was unable to stop himself from whimpering in need.

Zack opened his eyes as Cloud's hand started to move faster against himself, and the boy was clearly getting into it. Thick pants and breathless swears left Cloud's mouth, his hips bucking enough that their erections and hands were fully touching.

"Shit, Cloud," Zack said, lifting himself away from hovering over Cloud to sit back on his knees, and the blanket slipped back from their bodies revealing everything. Zack could now see the extent of how aroused Cloud was – it almost looked painful.

His free hand slid below Cloud's erection, cupping his balls and giving him a gentle squeeze. He massaged him in time with their stroking for a while, and Cloud's voice began to strengthen. He opened his legs a little, and their eyes met for a brief moment before Cloud's closed when Zack's hand gave him a firmer squeeze.

Zack released him and let his fingers dip below, shuddering slightly at the feel of the heat between his legs. He brought his hand back up, stroking it along Cloud's length, then back down again. Slowly, tentatively, Zack slipped his middle finger between Cloud's cheeks, watching him for any sort of reaction, but Cloud was too lost in what he was doing to really notice. It wasn't until his fingertip nervously began to circle around his entrance did Cloud finally react; he let out a long moan.

He began to urge Cloud's legs a bit wider at the welcomed sound, and the blond obeyed unconsciously, his knees bent and touching the mattress on either side of Zack's body. He squirmed a bit, his hips wiggling the more that Zack's finger would trace around him.

It was a feeling between being ticklish and being pleasurable. The touch of Zack's finger felt heightened, and a shudder racked Cloud's body as a bit more pressure was applied. There was much sensitivity in that spot that Cloud felt as though he could feel every ridge of Zack's fingerprint, and every slight tremble of his hand as it moved against him. It made his mind murky, and all he could do was slump his head to the side with another moan.

The puckering sound of a cap opening went ignored as Zack had reached over to the bottle of nearly-empty lubrication on his nightstand. He removed his hand from Cloud's body to pour some down onto his fingers, his hand shaking so much that a little missed and dripped onto the bed. He used his thumb to distribute the slick fluid about the full length of two of his fingers, and once again, one was brought to Cloud's entrance.

Cloud made a hissing sound at the cold feeling, and his eyes fluttered open to look between them. His hand stopped its movement along his member, and his eyes widened quickly. Panic was crossing his face.

"Z-Zack … what –"

Zack hushed him, smiling down at him reassuringly, even though his body was aching for everything about Cloud at that moment. "It'll just be my fingers." He felt his own heart jump at his words, and before he realized, his index finger was beginning to push into Cloud's body.

"J-Just that, right?" Cloud's voice had never been so meek.

"I promise … so relax."

Cloud paused in all movement and breathing for just a moment, but then finally reanimated when Zack's finger slowly began to move inside him. He gasped as though startled as Zack's other hand reached to one of his, bringing it back to his erection that now lay neglected against his abdomen.

"Relax, baby," Zack whispered thickly, urging Cloud's hand to move along himself once again. "Don't stop doing this … keep going for me."

Cloud nodded with a soft groan and continued.

One finger was enough to know so much about Cloud's body in an instant. The flesh around his finger was smooth, tightening around as muscles contracted when the boy's hand began to move faster on himself, and when his back would arch slightly. He could feel each quiver through him, each thrill of unfamiliar pleasure as Zack slowly moved his hand, knowing that Cloud was quickly becoming accustomed and accepting. It was an overwhelming and surreal feeling, and Zack could only imagine how more than one finger would feel.

He pushed in a second. Perhaps it had been too soon, as Cloud stiffened for a moment with a wince that was a mixture of surprise and discomfort. But it didn't last long, and his features melted into a lustful trance when Zack's fingers began to move again.

"This okay?" Zack murmured, then smiled when Cloud looked too distracted to answer properly; he seemed to only be able to grunt a response. "Let me know if you want me to stop."

"N-no, don't," Cloud whispered, his head lulling to the side once more. He let his eyes almost sink fully closed, but Zack could see a glimmer of light beneath his lashes when rays of sun from the window would reflect off them. Zack would have easily been fooled that those glimmers were tears if it hadn't been for the occasional but brief smile tugging at the corners of Cloud's mouth.

"I won't, then."

In and out … steady and gentle … two fingers now moved through that constricting heat, brushing past sensitive nerves, sending waves of new feelings through Cloud's body. Moans that harmonized filled the air, which was now warm and humid from the perspiration forming evenly on their skin.

Cloud stared at Zack's hand once again, through those half-lidded eyes, and he could clearly see more pre-come dribbling down Zack's member. He licked his lips as urges to take him into his mouth suddenly bombarded his mind. "Zack," he said, whimpering. "I … wanna –" He cried out in a loud moan as Zack suddenly thrust his fingers deeper, slipping past a bit of resisting muscle.

"D-did that hurt?" Zack asked hurriedly, a bit of panic in his words.

"N-No, it feels … I … wanna …"

"What, baby? What do you want?"

"I wanna … use my mouth on you," he whispered, his face red again.

Zack chuckled between a few of his own noises, his thumb circling his tip, trying to last a little longer; it was getting hard to control himself. He shook his head at Cloud, not wanting to stop the sight below him. _Erotic _did not come close to describing what Cloud looked like as he touched himself.

Cloud tried to choke out a plea, but when Zack's fingers inside him curled ever-so-slightly, a surge of strange and intense pleasure burst throughout his entire body. The feeling consumed his breath and his thoughts, leaving him with nothing but raw bliss. He cried out again.

The muscles around Zack's fingers felt as though they were trying to push back against his hand, but this fueled him to continue with a resolve to get him to cry out like that again; he had never heard such an unbridled sound coming from Cloud.

He began to thrust his fingers faster, but still gently, watching Cloud with such intensity that he hardly took note of his own movements on himself. Their eyes locked then as pleasure mounted, and they seemed to share a moment of fervent passion as everything began to teem on the edge of spilling over.

Cloud climaxed, strings of moans escaping his lips as he stiffened, unable to stop his voice. Zack continued to finger him, his movements roughened as his own orgasm followed quickly, and they released together in their own hands.

They stayed idle for a moment, Zack swaying on his knees and Cloud continuing to writhe with a heaving chest in the aftermath. Neither had taken their eyes off the other during, and even now as emotions began to calm, they resisted looking away from each other.

Cloud finally let out a small sound, his hips wiggling against Zack's hand, reminding him that he still had his fingers inside. Zack muttered something that was far from intelligible, and he gingerly slipped his fingers out, wincing along with Cloud as he did just a little.

"Sorry, baby," Zack whispered, holding up both of his hands rather warily. "Just hang on for a minute, let me get those tissues."

Cloud stopped Zack from moving, grabbing his hand covered in his own seed and brought it to his mouth. "Let me," he murmured before closing his eyes and beginning to lap at his fingers.

Zack stared in shocked awe, moaning as he watched Cloud clean him up without a second thought. If anything had been _erotic_, it would have been this. He couldn't stop himself from swearing continuously as Cloud serviced his mess.

"G-guess we don't need those tissues after all."

Cloud finished, pulling away with a sated purr, albeit restrained as he was surely calming down now from everything and realizing his actions.

Zack chuckled and eagerly returned the favor to Cloud's hand.

A bit of an embarrassed silence floated between them, but Zack tried to ignore it as he nestled back down beside Cloud, pulling the blanket back over their waists. He wasn't sure what to make of Cloud's expression, but it looked a mixture of a stunned reflection on what had just transpired.

Zack grew a bit worried when more than five minutes passed without a single comment made to each other, so he leaned into him and started kissing at his jawline. "I hope I wasn't out of line."

"No," Cloud said at once. "It's okay."

"It didn't hurt, did it?"

"No," this was said just as quickly. "I can't believe that it didn't."

"Well," Zack said, laughing softly, "it _was _only my two fingers."

"Still!" Cloud said, exasperated.

Zack pressed his lips together in thought before he gave Cloud an eager look. "So … it was good?" He felt as though he already knew the answer, given Cloud's reaction to it, but he wanted to hear Cloud say it for himself. Not only had he got Cloud to touch himself in front of him, he also was getting Cloud used to … other things.

Cloud looked back at him, his eyes still wide in shock, and Zack rolled over, propping himself above Cloud to look directly at him as he answered. "It was …" Cloud's eyes were momentarily drawn between them, catching one last glimpse of Zack's softening member. He couldn't help but groan. "Yeah, it was."

* * *

Muzak was droning overhead; Cloud took note that it was quieter than usual. Not that that was anything to complain about. The soothing song that was on now Cloud actually recognized form having worked in the office for several long weeks before, and it wasn't that the song was bad or annoying, it was just … _too _soothing. It brought back memories of battling to stay focused and oftentimes to _stay awake_ during those shifts. Even now, he was feeling drowsy by thinking about it.

Of course, that could have been attributed to his morning with Zack.

The receptionist merely glanced up at him and gave him a polite smile, but said nothing; her eyes darted back down and resumed her activity behind the counter. Cloud was unsure if he should state what he was there for, but remembered that the psychologist promoted him to head back to her office without signing in. He thought it a bit strange, but he made his way past the front desk and through the hallway as instructed.

With the music turned down, he could hear Dr. Bleier's deep voice muffled from behind his office door as Cloud passed. He paused by it, glancing over his shoulder to see if anyone was nearby, and he tried to make out what was being said. But nerves got the better of him when he heard the receptionist move from her seat, so he hurried down the hall.

He was greeted not by a warm smile from the psychologist, but with a rush of frigid air. Instantly, the hairs on his arms and neck prickled and a brief shiver of shock shook through his shoulders. His armor shifted from his shuddering, and he readjusted them as he closed the door behind him. The air conditioner was on full blast again, and he wondered dully what town the psychologist was from to withstand such cold air. Perhaps she was from the Icicle Inn, or the Modeoheim area. This was cold, even for Cloud's Nibelheim standards.

The psychologist was not there.

"Um … hello?" Cloud called, having to raise his voice over the hum of the air conditioner. "D-Dr. Arolin?" Cloud frowned; he double-checked the clock on her desk with the appointment card she had issued him the previous day – it was the correct time, but the office was empty.

There was a small room that he knew about that was connected with her office, and he figured she must have been in there. It was mainly used as a storage room for extra filing cabinets, and he himself had been in there a few times to file things away while working there. He peeked inside, but saw nothing but the filing cabinets lining around the wall with a few dusty cardboard boxes on top.

He started to feel annoyed. Maybe something had come up and she couldn't make it, but she was the one that had insisted on this appointment – not him. He couldn't imagine the psychologist standing him up when she herself had practically been begging him to come.

Cloud was about to leave, but stopped abruptly when he saw a simple note lying on the patient couch. It wasn't addressed to anyone, but he assumed it had been left for him. He saw her writing scrawled across the paper, and reluctantly picked it up as he juggled about the idea to ignore it and just leave. But he decided to give it a read.

_'__Please wait for me. If you get cold, remember to turn off the AC.__'_

His perturbed snort was barely audible over the air shooting out from the vent above. He wondered how long she would possibly be, as he sat down on the couch, and he realized that if she had bothered to write this note, she must have known she would be gone long enough for Cloud to lose his patience.

He was going to humor her request, but only for so long. If he hadn't been the least bit curious to find out what she had to say, he would have left. He would much rather be spending his day in its entirety with Zack. Just the thought of what he and Zack had done earlier that morning sent a pleasurable quake through his spine and a warm feeling churning in his stomach … and in other areas.

He was surprised with himself. He had been so worked up in the moment to realize where Zack's free hand had wandered. He was scared, if not for only a brief moment, but once Zack had smiled at him, he knew that he could trust him to not venture any further. All he knew was that he would not have wanted to stop what Zack was doing to him. It had just felt too good to stop, and admittedly, he found himself wondering what _more _would feel like.

Cloud felt his face blush instantly. He had been trying to ignore it for a while now, but even he was aware that things were steadily growing closer and their options were dwindling down in what they could do that wasn't actually sex.

At times like these, he wished that he could speak with Ratcliff. He had no one in which to confide, and the mere thought of having sex with Zack made his head spin and unable to sort out his brain. Ratcliff surely would know what to tell him or what to suggest. He always seemed to be able to make Cloud feel better about things that were troubling.

What would he say to him at a time like this? Perhaps he would tell him to wait until he knew for sure that he was ready; perhaps he would tell him to just go for it. Cloud just couldn't be entirely sure. He could practically hear the man's voice saying both possibilities, and it left him no closer to coming up with an answer than before he had thought of him.

Ratcliff …

Cloud felt another chill colder than the surrounding air could ever cause him. The man's whereabouts were still unknown. He had little information about what had happened to him, and that little that he had was no where enough to even come to some sort of solid theory. All he knew was that the report claimed that Ratcliff had been seen by the psychiatrist in this office, and that was it. That told him nothing.

This office. It was empty.

Cloud looked up to the door that led to that small storage room. He could see the doorknob peeking out from between two bookcases that flanked the door, and his heart began to beat fast. How long had he been waiting in this office for the psychologist? He glanced to the clock; it had already been fifteen minutes. Would he have enough time to rummage through a few of those filing cabinets before she returned?

Could this have been what the psychologist was going for the entire time? Had she left him alone in her office for a reason?

He found himself moving slowly towards the storage room door, as though he were trying to remain undetected in her empty office. It was pointless, but paranoia weighed on his mind as he turned the doorknob, and it seemed to him like his movements were alarmingly loud, even though somewhere in the back of that paranoia-filled mind he knew nothing could be heard over the sound of that air conditioner.

It was on a whim that he looked through those cabinets, as he realized that Ratcliff was Dr. Bleier's patient and not hers. But maybe, just maybe she had something stored in here on the man. So he rummaged as quickly as he could, his hands shaking with anxiety as he flipped through the folders, but his mind was racing too much to pay attention to what he was doing. He had to calm himself when he realized that he had just looked past at least twenty patient files and had not retained one name that he saw. He could have easily looked over Ratcliff's file in his haste.

He scolded himself and went through again, muttering the names out loud so he could hear them and help retain them that way. But he found nothing. The only thing of interest that he came across was of his own file, to which he really had no interest to look through, despite past curiosities in knowing what it contained.

His head was throbbing horribly.

Cloud closed up the filing cabinets clumsily and shuffled back out into her office. He slumped back onto her couch and began pawing around his trouser pockets for his prescription. He had gotten good at taking them without water lately, as it seemed the headaches hit him at inconvenient times where downing them with liquid was unavailable, and he took one out of the bottle without even giving the water cooler tucked in the corner a second glance. But he nearly missed popping the pill into his mouth as his body suddenly gave an involuntary shudder, and he realized he was once again sitting directly under the vent.

"Stupid AC," he muttered angrily, and rather hoarsely as the pill had gone down a bit rough. He cursed the psychologist in his head and stood to turn the thermostat off like how she had suggested; he wondered why she just didn't do it herself.

The air above slowly died to nothing. He could hear murmuring in the room next door, and then Dr. Bleier's distinct voice traveling through the quiet vent now. But that second voice …

Cloud stood, transfixed. This voice was light … shy … nervous. He couldn't exactly make out the words, but the way that the sentences that were spoken all sounded the same as they ended.

Was that … Ratcliff?

He scrambled to clamber up onto the couch to try and get his ear closer to the vent, even though standing fully erect left him a good two feet from the ceiling. He tried to stay perfectly still, but his painful head was making it hard to concentrate, and to stand steady. He found himself wobbling a few times, and unable to make out anything that the lighter voice was saying.

All Cloud managed to hear was Dr. Bleier ask the patient, "How are the pills making you feel?"

He had to get down. He was getting too dizzy straining his ear to the ceiling while balancing on the precarious cushions. Blood was now pounding in his ears either from excitement or pain, but either way, he had to close his eyes and rest for a moment on the couch.

He lost track of how long he lay there for, and his vision was too blurry to look at the clock. But he forced himself to get to his feet when he heard the door to the office next door shut and shaking through the walls, and he momentarily froze, trying to decide if he should still wait for the psychologist.

He could hear Ratcliff's voice clearer now.

Cloud threw open the door, wincing a little as the force caused a rather loud crash when the door hit the wall, but he didn't care. He began scrambling down the hall after them.

"Oh, there you are!"

He let out a small yelp of surprise as the psychologist suddenly appeared around the corner, blocking him from exiting out into the waiting room. She was smiling at him strangely, her eyes glancing over her shoulder to the front desk where Cloud could hear Dr. Bleier murmuring something to the receptionist.

"P-please move," Cloud said, panting.

She leaned in close. "Calm down," she whispered softly to him, moving to block him as he tried to dart around her. "Just calm down, Cloud, and follow me."

He swallowed hard a few times, finding it difficult through his frantic breathing, but he did as told and allowed her to lead him slowly out of the hallway and around to the front desk.

"Sorry that I'm late," she said in her normal voice. She slipped behind the counter and gestured for Cloud to stand in front of her on the other side.

He stopped right next to Ratcliff.

"An incident happened with another patient of mine, and I was summoned to talk with him to make sure he _didn't do anything rash,_" she said, the last words very pointedly. Her eyes flickered from Cloud to Ratcliff before they dipped down to her scheduling book. "Let's reschedule."

Both he and Ratcliff were breathing heavily.

She took her time filling in another appointment for Cloud, glancing up every now and then to watch as Dr. Bleier filled out what Cloud could only assume was a prescription pad for Ratcliff.

Both doctors finished at the same time, one handing out an appointment card, the other handing out a prescription.

Both Cloud and Ratcliff took the papers, muttered their half-hearted thanks about the same time, then turned and left.

Ratcliff exited first, throwing the door open roughly, hitting a man in a suit rounding the corner in the process. Cloud followed in shocked silence, watching as Ratcliff headed towards the elevators at a very brisk speed. They neared them, but as Cloud was about to hit the button, he suddenly felt himself being seized and dragged into the stairwell beside the elevators with shaking hands.

The stairwell was dark and warm with staled air; quite a shock from having been in the controlled – albeit frigid – air of the office. The ambience of the surrounding floors were muffled and echoing throughout the plunging depth of the building, and Cloud caught a quick glimpse of the twisting staircase below disappearing into darkness. He felt that if he stared any longer, he too would be sucked into the void that seemed to swallow the stairs.

The door was shut loudly behind them, and Cloud felt himself being hurled around and slammed up against the wall. "R-Ratcliff! What the hell –"

"I'm a terrible liar, you know, yeah? Can't lie worth shit, yeah!" Ratcliff pinned Cloud's shoulders against the wall, ignoring the boy when he winced in pain. "I gotta remember to finish my sentences with 'yeah', yeah? O-otherwise, they'll know I'm lying, yeah, because when I don't end them with 'yeah', it's obvious, yeah? I try too hard!"

"Ratcliff," Cloud said, gasping in the air that had been knocked from his chest, "w-what are you talking about? Slow down …"

"I can't tell you, yeah," Ratcliff said quickly. "I was told not to tell you anything, yeah. No one can know, yeah. They're watching, you know? I bet they are, why wouldn't they, yeah?"

"Who? Just tell me already!"

When the echo of Cloud's voice slowly died, the sudden silence in the stairwell was eerie, and even those muffled noises from Shin-Ra's activities seemed to disappear. His eyes flickered against Ratcliff's, taking in the strain of his face from the unimaginable horror that Cloud suddenly felt was surfacing.

Ratcliff looked delusional. His eyes were listless, as though the dark circles beneath them were black holes, sucking the life from them. His skin was ashen and damp – not from exertion, but from whatever turmoil was going through his head. Maybe it was the shock of finally seeing each other again after so long and under such strange circumstances. Maybe it was from embarrassment that Cloud had seen him in such a place to begin with … whatever it was, something had to explain the haunted look on his face.

"Cloud," Ratcliff said, his fingertips digging into Cloud's arms.

"R-Ratcliff … where have you been all this time?"

Ratcliff's jaw quivered before he spoke, but his voice came out surprisingly calm. "Nibelheim."

Cloud started to feel lightheaded, a definite feeling of dread washing over him. "Nibel – b-but, why? What happened?"

There was another long silence before Ratcliff's mouth finally moved, but Cloud heard no words; blood was starting to pound behind his ears again.

"What?"

Ratcliff repeated himself with a look of reluctance. And Cloud heard it right before the blood roared, drowning out everything else; right before the dark stairwell became even darker … before the air became cold again.

"I killed Graves," Ratcliff had said.

Cloud blacked out before he even hit the floor.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Five: Perks and Monsters.

Ending Author's La la laaa: Cloud, what is wrong with you! I'd let Zack fap all he wanted next to me! Oh my … WELL. This certainly was a chapter with some extremes, man. Hope you all enjoyed it. Heehee! I THINK ZACK SURE DID.

Next chapter is gonna be on … Tuesday, December 14th. Gonna skip another week. I am so far behind in this story. I was having some trouble in chapter forty-six with motivation and inspiration and yeah. Stress does kill that quite easily. Anyway! Hope you don't mind!

Thanks for reading and reviewing! I can't express that enough to you all. ; w ; Lots-o-love!


	45. Chapter FortyFive: Perks and Monsters

Chapter Forty-Five: Perks and Monsters

* * *

Arms were around him, cradling his body. He was thankful for this, for he knew immediately that his legs were nothing but unraveling and fraying rope, unable to support any weight if he were to stand on his own. His head was leaden, made heavy with persistent throbbing and what felt like liquid. Was it blood?

He tried to lift his arms to whomever was holding him as he roused. It couldn't have been Zack; the touch was cold and impersonal.

"Strife," said a voice, echoing around them.

Ratcliff wouldn't call him that … that was for certain.

_Ratcliff …_

Cloud opened his eyes, what light in the stairwell doing little to illuminate the man in the dark suit that held him. His face was shrouded in shadow, but as the man straightened and brought Cloud to a sitting position, his features revealed sharp eyes and a round mark on his forehead.

"Ts-Tseng."

"That's right," Tseng said, peering at Cloud with what could have been a hint of concern. Perhaps it was more confusion.

Cloud looked around the stairwell, Tseng staying quiet as he did so. He felt fully roused now, even if he himself was quite confused. Where had Ratcliff gone, and why was Tseng, head of the Turks, in his place?

"What are you doing in here, Strife?"

"Taking the stairs," Cloud said carefully, his voice slurring a bit. He reached up, wiping at his head expecting blood, but felt nothing.

"Were you by yourself?"

"I was, sir," Cloud said, taking his time as though he were trying to collect his senses, although it was more to collect lies together. "Not too many people like to take the stairs …"

They looked at each other, and Cloud thought his shadowed face in the dim light was too much of an ominous sign to ignore.

_He must be looking for Ratcliff._

"And why do you?"

"M-Motion sickness. I get motion sickness from the elevators, sir."

The pause Tseng took spoke volumes – he was skeptical, so Cloud interjected with the best lighthearted voice he could manage.

"Remember the mission to Modeoheim, sir? We – um … you, Zack and I – were deployed together. The helicopter ride there –"

"I remember," Tseng said coolly.

They had all been deployed together, what now seemed like ages ago, and Cloud was thankful to remember such a time, and so quickly in such a circumstance. Then again, it was the mission in which he had first met Zack, which he would never forget. Although, he would have liked to have forgotten how the helicopter ride had made him so ill in front of the SOLDIER and the head of the Turks.

Cloud waited for Tseng to speak again, but when he didn't, Cloud grew increasingly nervous and felt as though he needed to add more to the conversation. "I get woozy riding the elevators for so long –"

"Apparently you get woozy taking the stairs as well," Tseng said coldly. "What happened?"

Cloud rubbed his head with a forced groan, even though the throbbing had subsided. He took more time in trying to think of a way to outsmart a Turk, if that was even possible. "I stared down the stairwell for too long I guess. Got a little dizzy from it, sir."

Tseng's brief silence was unnerving. Surely Cloud's excuses sounded strange, but the longer that Tseng contemplated, the more Cloud hoped that he was taking the time to believe what he had said, instead of finding it too faulty.

"Are you okay to walk?" Tseng finally said. "I'm taking you to the infirmary."

Cloud swallowed hard, feeling himself pale over those words. "No, I'm fine, sir. I'll just head back to the barracks. Sorry for the trouble."

Tseng blatantly ignored him. "Or would you rather I deliver you to Zack's care?"

"Sir, please," Cloud said, trying to keep his voice sounding calm and controlled, "none of that is necessary. I'm fine, really."

"So you faint often? This is a regular occurrence for you?"

Cloud realized he wasn't getting out of this and slowly got to his feet.

Tseng rose with him, whether that was because it was merely coincidence or if he was rising in time to make sure he caught him if something were to happen again, Cloud wasn't sure.

At least Cloud stood without wobbling or groaning.

They exited the dark stairwell and began to head in the direction of the infirmary; with each step, Cloud was increasingly beginning to dread this. The last place he wanted to be was the infirmary. He only wanted to find Ratcliff again and speak with him about what had happened to him in the past few weeks. The man had started to say something, but Cloud strained to remember what it was and failed in the end. All he could recall was the haunted look in the man's eyes and the mouthing of words he couldn't remember.

Cloud looked over to the psychologist's office as they passed, with the hope to perhaps see Ratcliff in there again, but in the back of his mind he knew he wouldn't be. With the way that Ratcliff had fled the office, throwing open that door without even caring that he had knocked it into a man in the process, and then storming away like that …

Cloud's eyes trailed back to Tseng who was walking with a calm purpose past the offices. He felt himself pale more as he realized that that man whom Ratcliff had knocked the door into, whom Cloud had bumped into the previous day near the office had been Tseng.

He then wondered if there were such things as _mere coincidences _with the Turks.

"Um … s-so," Cloud began, his eyes flickering away when Tseng turned his head ever-so-slightly to look at him from over his shoulder, "do you get motion sickness too?"

Tseng turned a bit more, but not by much and not for very long. Cloud thought he caught a glower hidden behind that stoic expression before he faced ahead again. "No. Why do you ask?"

"It's just that … you found me in the stairwell. I was curious if you take the stairs instead of the elevator because of motion sickness."

Tseng was quiet for just a second – a second longer than what he would normally take to respond, Cloud thought.

"Being the head of the Investigative Department, I find myself with little time for leisure activities. Since I can't seem to find time to visit the gym, I take the stairs to stay fit instead."

It was a firm answer; a pointed answer. It was as though Tseng was trying to prove that he too could lie effectively.

Cloud didn't think he could pale so much in one day, but he did again.

They arrived, the glass doors parting eagerly and releasing the unmistakable scent of hospice; Cloud grimaced at the smell, but Tseng seemed unaffected by it as it hit their senses. There was the usual bustle inside – nurses darting back and forth; SOLDIERs, infantrymen and office workers alike sitting in wait on chairs, some with injuries, others with nervous looks on their faces; and the greenish hues of light emitting from doorways could only be Cure being cast on the patients. Muffled pages for doctors or nurses by name sounded above through tiny speakers, but they seemed to go unnoticed in the activity of the infirmary.

Cloud was hoping that his panic would go unnoticed as well. Immediately, as he stepped through the doors, a personal bustle of activity went through his head, revolving around the single thought of Zack finding out he was in the infirmary yet again; surely Tseng might say something, why else had the Turk threatened to bring him to Zack's care?

He started to picture Zack babying him once more, treating him as though he were to break under any form of touch. Zack had already inquired about the medication Cloud was taking; Zack had already been offered lie upon lie about everything that had happened to Cloud in the past. Suspicions were already in the forefront of Zack's mind – Cloud knew this.

Again, Cloud tried to think fast. To think of something he could say or do that could erase what had just happened from Tseng's mind, to get the Turk to ignore the fact that he had just found him lying unconscious in a stairwell with no apparent reason as to why he had blacked out …

This time he was unable to think quick enough, as they had already approached the front desk where a young female nurse sat, her eyes crawling up to them expectantly.

Tseng was about to speak on Cloud's behalf, with Cloud preparing to interrupt and speak on his own – despite the dangers of undermining a Turk – but the glass doors opened behind them and the nurse's eye darted over as someone approached. A small smile twitched onto the nurse's face, but quickly disappeared.

"I can take it from here, Tseng, sir."

They both turned to see Kunsel standing behind them with a stiff salute. Tseng's facial expression did not waver, but Cloud knew his own had certainly looked no less than bewildered.

"I am one of Strife's direct supervisors. He is my responsibility."

"Are you even aware of why we are here?" Tseng said in his usual cool manner.

"No, sir," Kunsel said with a neutral tone. "If you care to fill me in, then I can take over for you. Being a department head, I can imagine there must not be much time allotted in your schedule for minding mere infantry cadets."

Cloud was unsure whether he should be thankful, worried, or downright angry for that.

Tseng nodded coldly and briefly explained what had happened before saying, "See to it that this cadet is properly seen."

Kunsel saluted again and approached the counter as Tseng headed for the exit. He greeted the nurse formally and began to explain the situation and why Cloud needed to be admitted. He glanced over his shoulder as Tseng paused for a brief moment, even when the doors slid open for him and waited for him to pass through. Kunsel continued, already filling out paperwork, until Tseng finally exited. As the glass doors shut, he cut himself off abruptly with a single nod to the nurse and set down the clipboard that contained unfinished admittance papers.

"C'mon, Cloud, let's go." He turned, placing a hand on Cloud's back and forcing him to turn away as well.

Cloud found himself being led from the infirmary in confusion. They stayed back a bit in the hallways until they saw Tseng entering the elevator with a ding of the bell, then they proceeded to wait for the next cart.

"I thought you were admitting me," Cloud said quietly.

Kunsel snorted. "I think not. Not this time, at least." He shot Cloud a curious look. "You're walking, you're talking, you don't need the infirmary from what I can see. It was just lack of sleep, right?"

Cloud refrained from mentioning their deal the previous day in which Kunsel threatened to send him to the infirmary had he not gotten any sleep. "How did you know I was here?"

"I was going to meet up with you at the psychologist's office to see if you had found out where Ratcliff was."

Cloud made a baffled expression before their eyes met. "How did you know that I was seeing her today?"

"Kid, I can find anything out if I put my mind to it. Or, if I have connections, of course."

"What do you mean?"

The elevator dinged and they filed in with a few others. Cloud caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirrored walls of the elevator before turning his back to it. He was surprised to not see some sort of injury to his head after fainting like that. He was surprised, when he thought about it, with how fine he felt. His head was aching slightly, but other than that, he had not felt sore anywhere on his body. He expected to at least have some sort of evidence of hitting the floor of the stairwell – a bruise or a bump on the head – but there was nothing.

Kunsel was silent for a while as the cart traveled through the shaft, dropping off various passengers to their destined floors. He only continued when they were finally alone in the cart.

"That nurse at the front desk? I used to date her. Or I guess … 'dated to use her would' be the correct phrase."

Cloud made a questioning noise, unsure of how to respond to such a statement.

"How do you think I got the report about Ratcliff to begin with?"

"You dated her to get information out of her?" Cloud finally asked, although it wasn't so much a question as it was Cloud analyzing and rephrasing for his own clarification.

"Actually," Kunsel drawled, "I dated her because of her nice rack, but that's beside the point." He gave a sort of noncommittal shrug that Cloud found himself smirking over. "Turns out she was on the clingy side, which really cut into my … _leisure activities_."

Cloud blinked. "Leisure activities? So you were following us in the hallway?"

"I like the hallways." Another vague shrug. "You never know who you might run into. Like Ratcliff, for example."

"Ratcliff? Where is he!"

Kunsel ignored Cloud's excitement when the cart stopped and the doors open, letting in a few passengers. "As I was saying, _never_ burn your bridges, Cloud. By having broken up with her on good terms, I get a few perks once in a while."

"Perks?" Cloud mumbled, frowning when his mind filled in the blank. "You guys don't still–"

"_Information_, Cloud," Kunsel said firmly, but with a short chuckle. "That type of perk. Same with the receptionist in your psychologist's office. Although, when I dated her, she was working in the Reactor Engineering Department at the time." He paused when the cart stopped and the doors opened once more, and he beckoned Cloud to follow him.

Cloud obeyed, glancing around the surroundings. He realized that they were on a housing floor, and he mildly began to panic in fear of it being Zack's floor. But it didn't take long to realize that he was not on the 1st Class floor, due to the 2nd Class SOLDIERs wandering about the hall.

"She knew more than she should have working in that department," Kunsel continued. "Anything from pressure and compression ratios of the mako, to the codes to the reactors themselves. The stress of the job got too much for her, so she was forced to see your psychologist, actually. That's what landed her the job working in there. She's a lot less stressed now."

"Why would you do that though? Use people like that." Cloud couldn't help but feel a bit resentful towards Kunsel from having learned this about the man, and he certainly didn't try to hide it with his accusing tone of voice.

Kunsel rubbed the back of his neck in thought for a moment. "Well, unlike you," he said slowly, but kindly, "sometimes people don't date for sappy love. Different motives, you know."

They stopped walking and Cloud rounded on him with an expression of pure shock. "L-love?" he stammered, aghast.

Kunsel grinned wryly at Cloud's comment, but ignored him once more. "It's not like I was a bad person. Ask them yourself. I was quite the gent while we were together."

Cloud was the one to ignore him now. "Who said anything about me loving –"

Kunsel suddenly swung open a door that Cloud had not realized they were standing in front of, and he froze, staring in.

Ratcliff was sitting inside with his arms wrapped around himself, looking frail and small against Kunsel's large couch in which he sat. In the short time – minutes – that they last saw each other, Ratcliff looked as though he had gotten much worse in composure. The skin on his face was still ashen, save for red streaks down his cheeks from what Cloud could only assume was caused by tears. His uniform looked a bit disheveled, and his leg was bouncing nervously. He looked away from Cloud when their eyes met.

Cloud stepped into Kunsel's apartment. He had never been in there before; he had only ever been in Zack's. It looked the same in design as Zack's, except for a bit smaller and much neater, even with all the electronics and gadgets lying around. Everything looked untouched almost, as though Kunsel rarely used the place, and by the frequency of how often the man stayed in the barracks, it was probably true.

"Make it quick," Kunsel said from the doorway, his hand still wrapped around the knob. "Ratcliff, you're due back in the infirmary soon. I managed to get my ex to change the time of your appointment in the system so it would give you a few more minutes to … catch up with Cloud." He started to shut the door, but poked his head back inside, muttering, "Also, don't talk too loud. The walls are thin, and Zack lives directly above me. If he hears anything you two say … well, he might go berserk." And Kunsel shut the door.

Cloud stood where he was, glancing around but not really looking at anything anymore. So many questions were going through his head, but he was unable to single one out and ask it. His mind kept on traveling back to the stairwell, replaying the scene over and over again, trying to slow it down, as though he were hoping to catch something he missed.

"You're okay, yeah," Ratcliff said softly, but his head was still turned away. "I-I was worried … I caught you before you hit the ground … but I couldn't stay, yeah, didn't want them finding us together. But I-I ran into Kunsel in the hallways and told him to go get you, yeah. Glad there's someone we can trust, right?"

"R-Ratcliff," Cloud said, walking over to the couch on shaking legs. That feeling of foreboding was washing over him again, and without knowing why, his heart started to beat heavy in his chest. "W-What happened?" He narrowed his eyes in thought, bits and pieces of their conversation in the stairwell coming back to him. "You mentioned Nibelheim … what happened?"

There was a pause as Cloud stopped in front of him, and he was preparing himself for what he thought was going to be a long time before Ratcliff spoke, if he even did at all. But it didn't take long.

Ratcliff looked up, his mouth moving with no words coming out at first, and Cloud's memory was quickly becoming jogged of what he was trying to remember in the stairwell. His thoughts seemed to reveal itself at the same time Ratcliff finally spoke tremulously.

"I killed Graves."

Cloud was speaking again even before Ratcliff was finished declaring this. "Wh-what? How?"

"It doesn't matter how, yeah," Ratcliff muttered, his voice cracking. "He's dead."

"Don't fucking joke like that."

Cloud wasn't sure if it was because his voice came out sounding not of his own, or if what he said was challenging, but Ratcliff glared up at him with anger, his shoulders pitching with deep breaths.

"Cloud, he's dead, yeah. I watched him die!"

"Why … how …" Cloud pressed a hand to his forehead, every muscle in his body trembling with surges of confusion and disbelief. "Y-you were ordered to?" he asked in a hopeful, but wavering tone.

Ratcliff was quiet for a long time, watching with delirious interest as Cloud swayed back and forth in front of him. It wasn't until Cloud stumbled and nearly buckled on his quaking legs did Ratcliff stand and help him to the couch.

"That's right, Cloud. I was ordered," Ratcliff said stiffly once Cloud was stable on the couch. "It was an order."

"In N-Nibelheim?"

"Yes."

Cloud's voice finally broke what little strength it had; he finally broke, and tears began to fall down his face, which he quickly hid behind his hands. "My … gods. W-why …"

Ratcliff stared at him expressionlessly. Cloud only knew this from glancing at him once to see if there was still a chance that it was all a joke, hoping that Ratcliff would crack his usual bright smile and reassure him that it was all fine – that Graves was fine. But his eyes were dulled, his brow slack and his mouth nothing but a thin line on his face.  
"How could they make you do that?" Cloud blurted loudly, covering his face harder when his words were slurred with grief. "Why would they put you through something like that?"

Ratcliff said nothing; he did nothing. He just sat and stared, as though merely on the sidelines watching with no emotional attachment.

"I can't even imagine how you must feel."

"Like a monster, yeah," Ratcliff said monotonously.

"No! You're not!" Cloud's voice was rising once again. He tore his hands away and shifted to face Ratcliff hurriedly, unashamed of the tears streaming down his cheeks. "It's not your fault you were ordered! This isn't your fault."

Finally Ratcliff's expression softened, as though Cloud's words had reintroduced emotion into his bleak demeanor. Ratcliff slipped his arm around Cloud's shoulder as the boy continued to cry, holding him tighter when he gave a great shudder and choked out a restrained sob.

"This isn't your fault," Cloud said again, leaning into Ratcliff's embrace.

Ratcliff pulled Cloud against his chest, resting his chin atop a mass of blond hair; Cloud went with no resistance. He was finally hit with the gravity of everything.

Graves was dead.

Cloud's sobbing was now unrestrained, the only means of holding them back was muffling them against Ratcliff's chest.

Ratcliff hushed him when Cloud's tears began to soak through his uniform blouse, realizing how hysterical he was quickly becoming. "Don't cry, my friend, please," he murmured into Cloud's hair.

"You're not a monster," Cloud said through another shudder.

A smile spread onto Ratcliff's face, no matter how faint, half-hearted or brief it was. But when he spoke, his voice was sullen, holding no evidence that that smile for whatever reason had been on his face.

"We all turn into monsters eventually. If not by Shin-Ra, then by the demons in our own minds, yeah."

Cloud just continued to cry, fighting desperately to stop himself. He wanted to say so many things to Ratcliff, to drill into his head that this was not his fault; to force the man to realize that true monsters only existed in the minds of someone like Mejia, and not in the mind of someone as goodhearted as Ratcliff himself. Monsters like that lurked in the dark and were afraid of strength and of light, both of which Cloud knew that Ratcliff had. A monster could not be this kind … a monster could not be comforting like this.

"Please, Cloud …" Ratcliff whispered, lowering his face into Cloud's hair, his other arm now joining in with the other already wrapped tightly around Cloud's shoulder. He breathed in deep and held it; restrained it.

Cloud looked up slowly – expectantly – when Ratcliff trailed off with a pleading tone. "Yes …?" Their noses were an inch apart.

Ratcliff let out the breath he was holding. "I-I …" he began, his voice cracking. He seemed suddenly flustered and his grip around Cloud's shoulders loosened. "I have to go." He pushed Cloud away with shaking arms. "They'll be looking for me if I don't get back, yeah."

Cloud tried to stand up with Ratcliff, but his legs refused. "Wait, don't go!"

Ratcliff stopped, his hand already having turned the knob, but he had yet to pull the door open. He was silent for a long time again with his back to Cloud.

Cloud waited, knowing that he should probably be saying everything that had crossed his mind, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. He looked away, his voice caught in his throat behind repressed sobs.

"I didn't think anything of it at the time, yeah?" Ratcliff suddenly said, and it seemed as though he were speaking to the door and not to the boy who sat behind him. "Just the asshole saying his usual shit to get under my skin, yeah. He – He was always doing that."

"What are you talking about?" Cloud said hoarsely, his eyes narrowing at Ratcliff in confusion.

But Ratcliff continued on, like Cloud had not even questioned him, like he was holding a conversation with someone that wasn't there. "Of course, you wouldn't have remembered, Cloud. You were lying in your own blood."

"Ratcliff, please, what the hell are you talking ab–"

The door shut, and Ratcliff's footsteps disappeared down the hall.

* * *

How long Cloud had been sitting on the couch in a stunned stupor, he didn't know. It had felt like hours to days sitting there, staring with unblinking eyes at the closed door in which Ratcliff had left, shallowly breathing the cold air of Kunsel's apartment, listening to nothing but the sound of his own heart thumping in his chest, feeling nothing but warm tears rolling down his skin …

He startled himself when his legs seemed to think on their own and brought him to stand. Somewhere in the back of his foggy mind he was thankful that he had stood; it caused his chilled blood to flow again, bringing a little warmth back to his body. He glanced around, catching a glimpse of the clock – it really hadn't been long he had been sitting there after all, but the way his body was now aching as he moved made it feel as though he had not used his muscles in months.

Tears were wiped away as Cloud exited Kunsel's apartment. He now knew that he was only minutes behind Ratcliff, but he couldn't bring himself to chase after him. He knew not where Shin-Ra was keeping the man, or even if he would see him again, and even though swarms of questions were dying to be released, Cloud felt as though there was nothing left to be said between them. Ratcliff was alive and Graves was dead. There was nothing he could say, nothing they could talk about to have the situation become any more clear or real to him.

Somehow Cloud ended up in the elevator, unaware if there were other passengers around him or not. He had not the interest or the mental capacity to be aware of his surroundings, he only knew the familiar feeling of his balance being displaced by the elevator as it started to move. This too felt as though it had taken hours, but finally the door opened and he glanced up at the numbers, realizing numbly that he was at his barrack floor.

He stood in front of the double doors, unable to muster the will to enter. Entering the barracks, seeing that Graves' bunk remained empty above Elici's would snuff out the one tiny bit of hope that he had faintly smoldering about this all having possibly been a sick joke. But the only purpose Cloud could think of for such a sick joke was even sicker than the potential joke itself.

Ratcliff having claimed that Graves was dead so Cloud would no longer hang on, to forget about him, to stop asking about him, to stop worrying about him … to accept that he would never see him again …

The own absurdity of the concept was what solidified the truth in which Ratcliff had spoken. Cloud had saw no lies behind Ratcliff's grief-stricken eyes, but now was only able to see tears in his own.

Cloud gasped as his body instinctively reacted to suddenly being seized from behind. He thrashed, those aching muscles jumping at once, uncertainty drying up his tears. Reacting this way caused whomever had grabbed him to release him, and behind him stood a bewildered Zack, his arms still lowering to his sides in equal shock as Cloud turned around.

They stared at each other for several long, awkward moments until Cloud caught Zack's gaze fixating on what he was certain were his reddened eyes. Cloud was the first to move by turning away slightly, but Zack was the first to speak.

"Didn't mean to scare you," Zack said earnestly, taking a step back from Cloud as though he were trying to get a better look at him. "I seem to have developed a bad habit of doing that to people."

Cloud's mind was working very fast, but working on a single thought or action deemed impossible. He wasn't sure to divert Zack, lie or run away. "Huh? What do you mean?" was all he was able to come up with.

Zack hitched a thumb over his shoulder, gesturing to the elevators down the hall from which, Cloud realized, Zack had come not moments after Cloud himself. "Just scared the wits outta Ratcliff in the elevator. I wasn't even trying."

The mere mention of the man's name sent waves of mixed feelings crashing over him. Did Zack even know that Ratcliff had been gone for as long as he was, only to have returned spun and riddled with remorse over Graves' death? Had Ratcliff even mentioned anything about Graves to Zack during their encounter? Cloud was almost certain that Ratcliff's strange behavior could not have been well hidden if Zack knew he had been startled, just as Cloud was certain that he could not even manage to hide his own.

"R-Ratcliff?" Cloud's voice came out in a strange squeak, which he tried to quickly cover up by clearing his throat. The skepticism on Zack's face when their eyes met for a brief second let Cloud know that it was not glossed over like how he had hoped.

"Yeah, Ratcliff," Zack said slowly, inspecting Cloud. His eyebrows raised with curiosity when the double doors opened as a few people exited behind them, and Cloud couldn't stop himself from flinching at the noise; he had forgotten that they were standing directly in front of it.

Cloud glanced inside, half expecting to see Ratcliff casually lounging on his bunk in one last pathetic grasp at that faded hope that none of this had happened. But Ratcliff's bunk was empty, as was Graves', and somewhere in his mind he felt his subconscious throw that hope back in his face, as though demanding an explanation for such childish whims.

When Cloud turned back around, he saw Zack staring in as well, trying to see what Cloud had been looking for.

"What's going on?"

"What do you mean …?" Cloud said quietly, his eyes darting to watch a few of his barrack mates pass by.

Zack saw Cloud's uncomfortableness and pulled him down the main stretch of the hallway, ducking around a corner that led to different barracks. The traffic passing to and from the elevator at this time of day made it hard for them to speak freely. Perhaps it was too private because now that Cloud was standing alone in a quieter part of the floor, staring into Zack's kind eyes, he felt as though he would not be able to control the sorrow scratching away at him – sorrow that he did not want to share.

"You and Ratcliff seem upset. Did something happen?"

Zack reached up, brushing his thumb across Cloud's cheek, and Cloud froze in fear that it was to wipe away an errant tear. But when Zack pulled his hand away, he felt no remnant of wetness streaked across his face; he was thankful.

"No," Cloud said, his voice shaking when Zack smiled at him as he spoke, "nothing is wrong."

"You sure?"

Cloud nodded once but somehow returned the smile, even if it was as shaky as his voice had been.

"I was waiting for you, you know. You said you'd come back after you took care of that errand."

"I did?" Cloud murmured more to himself than to Zack. He felt his brow furrowing in thought, picking through the piles of events of the day. He nearly caught himself repeating the word 'errand' before he realized it was to see the psychologist. He could hardly remember what Zack was referring to from all of the turmoil he went through in such little time. "Oh … yeah, sorry, Zack. I forgot … got … caught up in something."

Zack was quiet; his eyes burrowing into Cloud's – strikingly blue and maddeningly benign.

"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" Zack finally said.

"I'm sure."

"Are you sure you're sure? You seem kinda upset." A wary look suddenly formed on Zack's face, and when he spoke, his voice now had taken on a shaking tone, especially when a few men turned the corner and walked past them towards their own barrack. "I didn't … hurt you, did I?"

Cloud blinked. "Hurt me?" he said, feeling his own face twisting into confusion.

"Um … earlier this morning." Zack was now wringing his hands together, his leather gloves groaning their disapproval. "Y-you know. With … what I did."

Cloud blinked again. "Huh? What did you do?"

Zack frowned heavily, his eyes flickering against Cloud's as though he were trying to read hidden words behind his eyes. "We, uh, were intimate. I used my fingers."

Cloud caught Zack's Adam's apple bobbing as the man swallowed nervously, and Cloud shook his head to dismiss everything, his thoughts finally piecing together his day properly. After blacking out, it had felt like ages ago that they had did that.

"Yeah, no, um … don't worry about it, Zack. I said I liked it. Your fingers felt good," he said, forcing himself to sound confident.

Zack looked over his shoulder as Cloud spoke, his eyebrows raising as a few more men walked past them, taking notice of them. Zack turned back to Cloud, those eyebrows still raised in surprise as Cloud had managed to say that so freely, as though they were alone and discussing the weather. Cloud's face had not even flinched or turned its usual shade of embarrassment saying that so casually.

"Cloud, what's going on? Please, talk to me."

"You approached me, Zack. Don't _you_ have something to talk to me about?"

Zack stared at him for a moment, his mouth agape. Cloud realized how short he sounded then, and his face quickly gained that embarrassed shade that it should have been not moments before.

"I'm – I'm sorry, that came out rude."

"It did," Zack said with a congenial chuckle when he saw Cloud fluster. "But you're right, I was just stopping by to tell you I'm going on a mission for a few –"

Cloud's eyes widened and interrupted him before he had even realized it. "For how long?"

Panic was mounting quickly; thoughts of Elici and Graves, and their empty bunks assaulted his sense of reason. He rarely felt worry for Zack when he was deployed on missions, but the thought of the man even gone for one day now instilled fear in him. Unsure when he would see him next, when he would be able to hear his voice, touch his skin, smile with him … Zack was one of the few he had left. To lose another … Cloud knew he wouldn't be able to handle it again.

But he knew that Zack stood tall; he stood with an air of comfort. Radiating from him was the strength Cloud found all too often that he needed. To soak up one moment of that strength in anyway that he could, to cling to it and hold on meant that he could handle another day dealing with himself … to handle one more lie that he _childishly_ hoped would bring him closer to stability …

Zack looked taken aback. "A few days," he said slowly, now fully studying Cloud. "I … wish you would …" He trailed off, shaking his head slightly, but his gaze was still locked on Cloud's.

Cloud waited for Zack to continue, now realizing that Zack knew something was wrong – there was no question about that. The way he searched, the way his eyes implored Cloud for the truth, but finding nothing but a labyrinth of lies forking in endless ways in front of him … unsure of what to say … which path to take …

"... Would …?" Cloud whispered, hearing himself swallow so loudly he was surprised that it didn't echo down the now quieting halls. His mind stopped whirling; his mind stopped on the one thing that could distract Zack from his reddened eyes, from his tear-soaked skin, from all the evidence of hiding death behind fake smiles and forced words. "… Kiss you? Is that it?"

"N-no, not that, Cloud–" Zack began, but his words and breath were captured when Cloud leaned up against him, closing his mouth over his. Whatever Zack was thinking, whatever he was about to say was gone now, melted into a moan of surprise.

"I want to see you when I get back, okay?" Zack whispered when their kiss slowed to a stop. He nuzzled his nose against Cloud's cheek as his arms snaked around his waist and pressed him closer.

Cloud whimpered a response, pecking Zack's lips a few more times, even when he heard the ding of the elevator announcing that more men were about to walk past their hallway.

"Is that a yes?"

Cloud continued kissing him, his eyes closing and blocking out everything but Zack's warm embrace. "Yes," he murmured, his lips not leaving Zack's, "of course."

"You," Zack murmured as well, giving Cloud's lips a tiny nip, "sure you're okay?"

Their kissing finally stopped as Cloud pulled away.

"Everything's fine, Zack," he said carefully.

Zack smiled a little, almost sadly. "We have to let go now. People are coming."

They pulled away at the moment men began filing past and Zack stepped into the bustle, giving Cloud another smile that Cloud realized he didn't deserve.

_… You wish I would stop lying to you, don't you, Zack?_

And Cloud watched Zack leave in the elevator; he watched as the doors closed, leaving him with the fear of loss, and the taste of his lies overpowering the taste of their kiss.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Six: Scapegoat.

Ending Author's Note: Nnngh, Kunsel … I want to have your sneaky babies. Seriously, I love him. XD

Annnyway, lying seems to be a fad in this story, I swear. But you know what's no lie? How awesome this is (remove the spaces in the address):

http : / / black-moral-taka. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Serendipity-188962445

Yeeeeees! Black-Moral-Taka on (dunno if she has a personal fanfiction. net account that I can list) drew this really beautiful, but sad, Malady fan-art from the tragic Chapter Twenty: Serendipity. If you don't remember what happened in that chapter, then you, sir or madam, should go reread it.

Many, many thanks and snuggles for her. C:

WELL. I'm taking a break. A much longer break than I have taken before. My fingers are going numb again (carpal tunnel can kiss the whitest part of my ass, I swear) and I've actually been kinda … depressed … the last few weeks, so I have been unable to function properly, especially with writing. I have barely written nine hundred words in the past two weeks for chapter forty-seven, and that's an all-time record of fail. I also blame Christmas preparations and OF COURSE work. Anyway, break time. Come back … Tuesday, February 1st, 2011 (I KNOW, DON'T KILL ME) for the next chapter. It'll give me some time for my fingers to stop being punks and to hopefully get a bit further ahead with this story. I'm coming up to some very important and difficult stuff to write, so it slows me down 'cuz I wanna get it right, you know? It's for the greater good! Lulz.

I hope everyone has a great holiday and fabulous (AND SAFE) New Years. See you all next year. Love …!

Edit 12-22-10: FAN-ART! Black-Moral-Taka of deviantART. com has drawn her versions of my OCs, Mejia, Graves, Ratcliff and Elici! Whoo! Go here to check them out! (get rid of the spaces):

h t t p : / / black-moral-taka. deviantart. com / art / Malady-Original-Characters-190405807

Ratcliff looks friggin' adorable, but nnngggh Mejia...I think he's my favorite out of her interpretations! XD I know, I'm sick and twisted. BUT I LUFFS HIM. Don't judge me. 8D


	46. Chapter FortySix: Scapegoat

Chapter Forty-Six: Scapegoat

* * *

Chasing down Wutai spies in a damp, remote cave in the middle of nowhere had left Zack frustrated and feeling isolated. It had been a long few days, but the one thing that kept him going strong was the memory of his recent morning with Cloud, which he recalled any chance he could to better his mood.

Sleeping on the rickety transport to his mission made him appreciate his bed back home, with the memory of having been warmed with Cloud's body as they slept. Eating the MRE supplied by the company on his mission – bland and unpalatable – made him long for that morning again, where he and Cloud had attempted to make a breakfast together before he left for his errand. The meal they had accomplished wasn't the best, but the experience alone was worth it, with pancakes that were light on one side and burnt on the other, and with hints of sticky syrup clinging to their lips after they ate and kissed.

And any moment he felt a pang of loneliness, his mind would not hesitate to remember how Cloud looked as he touched himself. Lying beneath Zack's body, flushed and flustered with the indecency they shared … the feeling of Cloud's tight warmth wrapped around his fingers … the sight of Cloud's tongue flickering between Zack's fingers to clean up his seed afterwards …

Admittedly, thinking about that too much had left him rather distracted during one of the last fights he encountered against the spies, and the heat of the Firaga spell that a Bandersnatch had cast had quickly brought him out of that reverie.

Somehow he completed the mission with only minor burns, but high spirits.

He had been excited to see Cloud again when he returned, as when he had caught up with him before he left on his mission, the boy seemed troubled but wouldn't admit to anything being wrong when questioned. But despite what seemed like a feigned smile that Cloud had given him, his red eyes and thick, nasally voice was hard to ignore. He had been crying, Zack knew, and as much as Zack wanted to know why, Cloud had admitted to nothing and had smoothed it all over with a kiss.

So when he arrived back at the building, Zack wasted no time in seeking Cloud out.

He was disappointed when he stepped through the double doors to the barrack and found it mostly empty. One of the only occupants aside from a few men, was Ratcliff sitting atop his bunk, idly staring up at the drab ceiling.

Zack did not approach noiselessly – in fact, a few other stragglers in the barracks greeted him with vigor when he walked in, and he greeted them back in a similar manner. He even called up to Ratcliff before he reached his bunk, and yet the man seemed to not notice him. But on the second attempt at getting his attention, the man jolted up, causing Zack to startle as well – especially when the bunk let out a metallic creak from the sharp movement of Ratcliff's reaction.

There was a wild look on the man's face – wide-eyed, fearful – and in the time that it would have taken a man to calm who had only been superficially startled, Ratcliff only managed to look more alarmed.

Zack was unsure of what to do or say; he was not anticipating to give the man such a fright like that. It wasn't as though he had done it with any malicious intent, or _any _intent for that matter.

"Hey, Ratcliff. Didn't mean to scare you," Zack said and frowned at those words, recalling only a few days prior when he had scared Ratcliff by merely encountering him in the elevator. There was no intent at that time either. "… Again."

Ratcliff was looking down at him as though Zack were speaking gibberish. He made no attempt to say or do anything to acknowledge that he had even heard a word Zack had said.

Zack shifted uncomfortably on his feet, a feeling of familiar foreboding hitting him when he realized that Cloud was no where to be found and Ratcliff sat completely aghast; he couldn't help but think about the time months ago …

Ratcliff stirred and finally seemed to take a mild notice of Zack. He mumbled something that Zack was unable to understand – it was much like _gibberish._

"Huh?" Zack forced a chuckle. "Come again?"

"What're you doing here?" Ratcliff finally said clearly.

Zack frowned once more beneath the chill of Ratcliff's voice. Maybe he was still irritated that he had frightened him in the elevator. "Um … I'm just looking for Cloud." Zack looked around at the empty barrack, then up to Ratcliff. "How come you're not with the rest of the unit?"  
"Liberty," Ratcliff said simply. "Just enjoying my day off."

He hardly looked as though he were enjoying anything. He was not reading a magazine, nor book, and was certainly not dressed to go out. He had just been laying on his bunk in full uniform and staring up at the shadows on the ceiling.

Zack decided not to question him and instead glanced around for Cloud again. "Seen Cloud?"

"He's out getting something to eat."

Zack's memory was recalled quickly to the previous time he had been looking for Cloud like this in the barracks. Ratcliff had then replied with the same answer with the same hidden fright on his face. Cloud had not been getting dinner at that time, but had just come from the infirmary, drenched in the scent of hospice. Foreboding was lingering stronger now, and he couldn't help but mistrust what Ratcliff had said.

Ratcliff lowered himself back down onto the bunk, tucking himself as far into the mattress as he possibly could. "You can wait for him if you want," he mumbled.

"Uh … sure. I think I will."

Zack took his usual waiting spot on Cloud's bunk, but he didn't have to wait for very long, which he was thankful for, for Ratcliff was now acting as though he were not there and as though their conversation had never happened – he just went back to staring.

Cloud entered with a small group of barrack mates, but as they talked and laughed with one another, Cloud stayed emotionless and was clearly not interacting with any of them. It was a surprise for Zack to see him like that, as any time he could remember seeing Cloud with others, the boy was always mingling and enjoying their company. But when Zack thought about it, those others had always been Elici, Graves and Ratcliff, and now all there was beside him as a friend was Ratcliff. Now Cloud looked lonely.

But upon spotting Zack sitting on his bunk, whatever expression of forlorn was gone and he looked instantly happier. Zack's heart skipped at the sight of Cloud's smile, and over the realization that that smile, that happiness, was because of him … and _was his_.

And his smile was decorated with cute crumbs on his cheeks and the smell of garlic bread on his breath when he bounded up to Zack and greeted him. Zack had to resist all temptations to tease him about it, and to kiss those crumbs off his cheeks in front of everyone.

"Enjoy lunch?" Zack said with a chuckle, resisting another temptation to at least reach up and rub his arm when more people began to file in.

Cloud went to answer but stopped before he had even sucked in a breath to speak. His eyes darted up to the top bunk.

Instantly, a cold feeling settled over them and Zack found himself turning to see what could have possibly made Cloud react this way, and he spotted Ratcliff sitting up again with a strained and guilt-ridden face. No one said anything.

Cloud's mood plummeted to one akin to what it was when Zack last saw him before he left on his mission. And as he looked on between them – confused – he received no explanation or answer to the sudden chill in the presence.

Zack could no longer take the silence, so he cleared his throat and turned back to Cloud with a smile, even if it was a little forced in the situation. "I want to see you tonight, remember?"

Cloud's troubled expression continued on, even when he pulled his eyes away from Ratcliff and focused them back on Zack's. He nodded numbly with an air of not processing what he had said.

"Y-yeah," Cloud said, nodding once more. "I remember." Cloud grabbed Zack by the arm – Zack could feel he was trembling – and took him a few steps to the side with a tremulous smile. "I'll come by in an hour. I just want to wash up."

"You can do that at my place," Zack said eagerly.

"I-I know, but I just have to do a few things here before I leave …" He trailed off with a loud swallow; his eyes darted over to Ratcliff.

"Everything okay?" Zack said as he peered into Cloud's face, trying to read him the best he could.

Cloud let out a short breath, squaring his shoulders. "Yeah!" he said, his voice suddenly upbeat. "I missed you a lot, Zack."

Zack rubbed the back of his neck, a mixture of flattery and confusion leaving him unable to respond.

"But give me an hour, okay?"

Cloud's hand brushed up against his, sending a wave of warmth through him, wiring his brain back into working properly, if not a little perversely.

"Oh, I'll give you as many hours as you want, so long as you use them to show me how much you've missed me," he said huskily.

"Make it two hours …" Cloud said flatly.

"Aw, c'mon! Don't do this to me!" Zack didn't care how loud he had said that, even when the men around them turned and stared curiously. He leaned in close, murmuring, "You know how difficult it's been trying not to think about the other morning?"

Cloud was silent in thought for a moment, seemingly taking in what he had said with heavy consideration. "One hour, Zack," he finally said.

* * *

When Zack had left, he took what little warmth there was, leaving that icy apprehension in its wake. Cloud didn't know what to say to Ratcliff and he was fairly certain that Ratcliff was feeling the same way. They both stayed in that awkward tension until Cloud hurried away to shower, still with no words spoken between them.

The past few days had been difficult. He had been alone with nothing more than his thoughts for company. His thoughts and more sleepless nights. It seemed as though the only real sleep that week he managed to get had been with Zack, and that was sleep that came from sheer exhaustion. But after finding out about Graves, and with both Zack and Ratcliff being gone, exhaustion needed to try harder to get him to succumb to slumber with the flurry of grief that had kept him wired.

But now Zack was back, and a part of him was trying to relax, but the other part had been sent into shock seeing Ratcliff sitting atop the bunk in what could have been a casual manner had he not looked so derailed. Seeing Ratcliff had been so abrupt that not even Zack's presence had managed to calm his brain from going into overload.

He stood beneath the stream of the water in the shower, failing at an attempt to straighten his thoughts. He wondered if Ratcliff had told Zack anything at all, whether about Graves or the fact that Cloud himself had blacked out in the stairwell. Cloud had not given that much thought until now; it had not even been a concern compared to everything else that had been going on at the time. Even now it was just another thought sitting quietly behind all the others that were standing and screaming in his mind.

Cloud lost track of time, not realizing how long he had been in the shower for, until the water turned cold and he began to shiver. He walked into the locker area in a daze, poorly trying to form questions he would ask Ratcliff when he gathered the nerve. They were a mixture of questions, some blunt and some delicate – each tailored to the comfort of what Cloud thought their psyches could handle. As much as he wanted to stay respectful and yet somehow pry into everything, he didn't think that either of them could handle a barrage of questions.

He weaved past the lockers and spotted Ratcliff opening and closing an empty one nearby his own as though he expected it to magically become occupied with possessions each time the door was shut. On closer inspection, Ratcliff wasn't exactly looking into the locker with any bit of interest – it just looked like he was doing it out of boredom or anxiety.

"Where have you been?" Cloud said after a few moments of watching him do this repeatedly.

"Here."

"I meant … after the mission and after the last time we saw each other."

Cloud noticed the locker was once Graves'.

"Infirmary," Ratcliff said monotonously into the locker, his voice echoing in the emptiness inside before he shut it again.

"But –" the locker opened, "– why?"

"'Cuz my head's a mess, yeah."

"It's –" and the locker shut, "– it's not."

Ratcliff finally dropped his hand from the locker to the pocket of his uniform trousers, pulling out a prescription bottle. He laughed a mirthless laugh and popped a pill.

Cloud frowned.

"Doesn't matter, yeah" Ratcliff said, slipping the bottle back into his pocket. "I'm not allowed to talk about any of it anyway, yeah."

The locker opened and shut again, this time with more force.

"How many medications are you on right now?" Cloud asked, peering at Ratcliff and his jittery behavior.

"Lost track, yeah," Ratcliff said still in that bland voice.

"Do you even know what they're for?"

"Told you already. Head's a mess, yeah."

Cloud was silent for a while. He was unable to really piece anything together and was starting to feel his patience slipping away.

"I don't understand. Why would they be keeping, no – _hiding_ you in the infirmary for so long, and then just release you like that?"

Now the combination lock on the locker was being whirled, the clicks of the tumbler sounding rapidly. Ratcliff stared at what he was doing with such an intense gaze that Cloud was surprised that the man didn't burst any blood vessels in his eyes.

"Shin-Ra has its reasons."

Patience was gone now.

"Ratcliff, would you knock it off!" Cloud shouted, and he was unsure if it was meant for his evasive responses or his annoying behavior with Graves' empty locker. But Ratcliff immediately stopped, shrinking into himself faster than Cloud could realize that he had frightened him.

"I-I'm sorry," Cloud said quickly, sitting down on the dressing bench beside the man. "Just … talk to me. Stop what you're doing," Cloud reached up when Ratcliff's hand went to fiddle with the combination lock again and stopped him, "and talk to me."

Ratcliff put his hand down in his lap stiffly and stared ahead in the open locker. "I told you, yeah, I'm not supposed to talk."

"You can talk," Cloud said reassuringly, but wasn't all that convincing. "If they released you back to the barrack, I'm sure you're allowed to talk about some things."

"They told me –"

"Forget what they told you for a moment. You may not be allowed to talk about what happened during the …" Cloud trailed off, swallowing hard when a lump began to sting in the back of his throat. He forced it down. "… mission, but you can talk to me about how you feel."

"You sound like her."

"Who?"

"That psychologist, yeah."

Cloud thought for a moment, the woman's name having eluded him briefly. "Dr. Arolin?"

"Yeah."

He then thought back to the report that Kunsel had managed to smuggle him. "Didn't you only see her for one day?"

Ratcliff seemed to ignore him. "I like her better than Bleier, yeah."

"Then switch back to her."

"She doesn't use pills, yeah."

"Well, their methods may be different, but that doesn't mean he's not capable of helping," Cloud said slowly.

"She doesn't use hypnosis either, yeah."

Cloud stared at Ratcliff. "Hyp– are you serious? Is that even–"

"He says it'll calm me, yeah," Ratcliff said neutrally.

Ratcliff began to open and close the locker once more, his leg now bouncing.

Cloud continued to stare.

"But they won't let me change back to her, yeah."

"Then don't go at all!"

"I tried, yeah."

Cloud found he was at a loss for words. What could he say? 'Try harder'? 'Don't try, just do it' or some other ridiculous-sounding fluff that would only serve the purpose of sating the moment and not the person?

"_Has_ … it even calmed you?" was all he managed to ask as the locker began to open and close again, this time more swiftly.

And again, Ratcliff spoke with nary an emotion.

"Yeah, I think it has, yeah."

* * *

Too eager to see Cloud, Zack had decided to leave the building and wander about in the city. He knew that if he had gone back to his quarters before Cloud arrived, he might not have had the patience to wait for him … especially when he still couldn't stop thinking about watching Cloud touch himself in his bed as he fingered him …

He had found a great thrill in entering a convenience store and buying a new bottle of lubricant, of all things. He had enjoyed the rush of picking one out, trying to decide on flavored or unflavored, then on strawberry or cherry when he finally had decided on giving a flavored one a try. He had even enjoyed a coiling excitement in his stomach as he had browsed the condom section – which he had thankfully remembered that Cloud was allergic to latex before he made the mistake of purchasing any – and then he oddly enjoyed the flush of embarrassment when the woman behind the register gave him a knowing smirk as he paid. He had thought that her tone as she told him, "Have a good night" possibly implied a bit more than standard courtesy.

As he was leaving, still with that flush, something else had caught his eye that he knew that Cloud would enjoy more than the strawberry-flavored lubricant that he had picked out. He had stood and stared at it for a while, contemplating if Cloud would be excited for it, embarrassed over it … or even if he would use it if Zack were to buy it for him. Zack came to the conclusion that Cloud would be too embarrassed over it, but he had bought it anyway.

And when the woman behind the counter said, "Have a good night" again as he paid for the second time, he flashed her a confident smile and replied, "Oh, I will."

Now Zack was pacing about his kitchen in wait for Cloud. Had it been only an hour? It felt like it had been several, as he glanced at the clock in his kitchen, and he began to dread that perhaps Cloud was not going to show. The boy had been acting strange the past few times Zack had seen him; he had even forgotten to come back after his errand during their last morning together when he said he would.

He found himself biting his thumbnail in thought as he circled around his bar counter, listening to the sound of his footsteps going from echoing on the linoleum of his kitchen to the soft pads on the carpet in the living room.

Old habits of Cloud forcing himself to make Zack happy, with equally forced smiles, and the possibility of Cloud having lied about not being disturbed over their intimacy began to worry him once again.

He looked down at his feet when he realized he still heard footsteps, even when he had stopped pacing. Much to his heart's elation, there was a knock at the door, and it took every fiber of his being not to bound over like his life depended on it.

Cloud stood before him with his head aimed up, but his eyes were no where near Zack's own. He smiled a sort of weary smile that did nothing to still the lingering worry.

"Please don't make me wait for an hour ever again," Zack said, ushering Cloud in. "I thought I was going to go outta my mind."

Cloud was continuing to avoid eye contact as he removed his boots at the doorway. "In just one hour?"

"Being away from you for one minute would drive me crazy."

"Then how on Gaia do you possibly manage?" Cloud said lightheartedly, but he seemed to be unnecessarily fiddling with his blousing straps, as though wasting time before having to stand and look at him.

"I make do."

Finally Cloud stood, but walked past Zack to the kitchen area before they could look at each other in the face. He took a seat on one of the barstools and was taking notice of the convenience store bag still left out on the counter.

"You went shopping?"

Zack hurried over, gathering up the top of the bag to hide the contents. "Yeah, I got impatient waiting so I busied myself in town for a bit."

Cloud made a noncommittal hum of acknowledgment and they fell into an awkward silence.

"Hey, um … listen," Zack said after a minute. "I wanna ask you something, but I want you to be completely honest with me, okay?"

Their eyes finally met, and Cloud undoubtedly looked frightened.

"W-what do you mean? What's wrong?"

"That's what I was going to ask you."

"Nothing's wrong," Cloud said quickly, although Zack could tell that he had attempted to make it sound casual but failed.

"Did something happen between you and Ratcliff?"

Cloud sat up straight, his shoulders squaring and stiffening, even when one of the armor pads slipped a bit. "No, why would you think that?"

Zack shrugged vaguely, now the one attempting to act casual. He liked to have thought that he pulled it off better than Cloud had. "You both seem a little distracted, that's all."

"He's just tired after his mission."

"And you?" Zack said, motioning to Cloud's tired eyes and to his leg which bounced slightly.

"I … just received lower marks than usual on my rifle qualification. I'm … a bit bummed."

"Oh."

"But I'm getting over it. Kunsel said … it wasn't the best he's seen from me, but it wasn't total shit."

Zack snorted a laugh. "So nice of him to put it so kindly."

"Yeah …"

Zack held his hand out to Cloud as he sat beside him on the other barstool. He smiled when Cloud took it; his smaller hand was warm, even through his issued gloves. But that smile soon faded when the words he wanted to speak were prickling at his tongue, and he couldn't stop himself any longer.

"I … don't think you're being completely honest with me, Cloud."

Cloud obviously paled, and Zack could only imagine that that warm hand suddenly turned icy by the look of horror that was creeping onto his face. He said nothing; he only waited with bated breath on his seat.

"I know that something is bothering you. I wish that you would …" He trailed off but a moment, only long enough to let out a quick but heavy sigh before speaking again, " …tell me what's really on your mind."

Cloud's hand began to shake in his, not even calming when Zack gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I-I really did get low scores …" he said feebly.

"I believe you," Zack said kindly. He started to stroke Cloud's hand with his thumb in an attempt to soothe his whole body, even if he knew it probably wouldn't work. "But I know there's more."

Light blue eyes darted instinctively to the door; that leg was bouncing more now. Zack's fingers tightened around that shaking hand.

"I–I," Cloud began, then swallowed very audibly, "I lied to you."

Zack was now the one waiting on bated breath.

"A-about …" His eyes darted to the door once more and lingered until he spoke again. "About the other morning."

Zack suddenly felt a wave of relief but with an undercurrent of dismay. He _had _hurt Cloud with his actions. Gods, why hadn't he realized? Why had he thought that Cloud would be okay with _that_ after everything he had been through?

"C-Cloud … I-I …" Now Zack was the one swallowing quite loudly, and he felt himself beginning to perspire. "I am … I mean, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I-I knew it." Zack dropped Cloud's hand, turning away from him to face the stove on the other side of the counter. He couldn't bear to look at Cloud from his guilt and shame.

"L-let me finish, Zack!" Cloud suddenly sounded desperate and he reached over and seized Zack's hand again, pulling and swiveling him on the stool to face him once more. "It's okay, it really is. I'm okay with it now, honest!"

Zack let his eyes crawl up to meet Cloud's, but Cloud's were once again no where near his. He looked as strained as Zack had felt.

"You're lying again," Zack whispered.

"I'm not. I was a bit scared after all was said and done, but I'm okay now, I promise."

"Is that why you didn't show up after your errand?"

Cloud paused, and Zack caught his jaw working on something as though he were chewing; he must have been nibbling on the inside of his cheek or his tongue. His eyes turned back to Zack and their gazes locked; Cloud looked a little uncertain.

"Yeah. I just wanted to … think things over."

He squeezed his eyes shut; he still couldn't look at him. "Cloud, I am so sorry … you know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you like that. If I had known–"

"Zack, n-no, please. It's not your fault." Cloud's voice was cracking. "But I'm okay now, really. T-that's the honest truth."

Zack's heart began to beat in his chest when Cloud reached up and caressed his face. He wanted to lean into that touch, to scoop him up and hold him tighter than he ever had in the past. But he felt like he was no better than Mejia … like he had molested Cloud.

"Please, Zack," Cloud whispered shakily, and Zack felt Cloud's breath close to his lips. "Don't be upset. After … after I gave it some thought, I really did love it."

"You're just saying that."

"No." Cloud's voice was low now, and Zack was surprised to hear that it was almost a purr. "I really did love it. I … wanna do it again."

Zack opened his eyes just as Cloud's lips touched his in a soft and sweet kiss. He could hardly find the ability to move his lips with Cloud's, partially because he was so shocked over the sudden shift of mood, and partially because he did not feel worthy.

"I also loved watching you touch yourself," Cloud murmured huskily into his ear.

"Gods, Cloud," Zack whispered with a slight whine to his voice as the boy began to peck kisses along his jaw. "Just stop right now. I don't … I can't do that right now, okay? Not after learning this."

Cloud immediately stopped and pulled back, pale once more. "I-I'm sorry."

"You have no reason to be. I should have known not to go that far with you. You may say that you liked it, but at one point you didn't. I don't think it's a good idea to force yourself, okay?"

Unknown horrors were crossing Cloud's face and Zack could only wonder what he could have been thinking … what the outcome of the battle of truths and lies would be that tormented him. But Zack wasn't going to give Cloud an opportunity for a lie to win that battle, and he reached down, giving his thigh a pat.

"Hungry?"

Cloud looked stunned, as though Zack had slapped him across the face with this sudden change of topic. "Um … a little."

"I'll make us something to eat." Zack stood, willing himself to walk away and take on his usual upbeat demeanor. He found himself rummaging through the cabinets and humming a tune he knew didn't exist until now; he was just trying to seem normal.

He made them soup, which just consisted of grabbing a can opener and dumping the contents into a saucepan on the stove and turning it on to heat. He continued a superficial conversation with the boy, but kept his back to him the entire time as he stirred the soup. He honestly didn't know what to do once again. All he knew was that he felt like he should have been begging Cloud for forgiveness, even though Cloud now seemed settled and content as they conversed.

Maybe Cloud really was okay with what had happened in the end, but that still didn't change the fact that Zack felt as though he shouldn't even lay a hand on the boy ever again.

But that thought … that single, gut-wrenching thought melted away when he turned to serve them their meal and Cloud was waiting with large, blue eyes. While Cloud didn't look necessarily happy, he wasn't shying away now, and even managed what could have been a reassuring hint of a smile.

Zack knew there would be no way he could ever push himself away from this boy.

They for once ate at the bar counter, both alternating twisting side to side on the stools with care, as their knees would bump into each other absently if they didn't. They also gave a mocking critique to Zack's cooking, as though he had made the lentil soup from scratch himself. It was fairly good, although they both admitted it could have used some hot sauce.

The mood was now lightened, even if Zack felt that it shouldn't have been. Something still didn't feel right, but that could have just been his own heavy conscience. He was at least thankful to still be on good graces with Cloud after he unknowingly disturbed the boy with his lustful actions.

Cloud pushed his empty bowl away, rubbing his stomach with a sated groan. "Thanks for dinner, Zack. Didn't realize how hungry I was."

Zack nodded and began to wash their bowls when he felt Cloud's gaze burning on the mess. "Anytime, baby. You're eating okay during mealtimes, right?"

"Yeah," Cloud said slowly. "Why?"

Zack glanced over at him, nodding his head towards Cloud's shoulder armor which sat slightly askew on his body. "You look like you've lost a little weight."

Cloud adjusted the strap, turning a bit red, and he mumbled something that Zack couldn't quite hear. He then gave Zack a sheepish grin. "No … I, uh, the leather strap broke on mine so I had to borrow … Graves'."

"Graves? No wonder they're slipping off you. That guy is built. I'm surprised he left them behind when he left Shin-Ra …"

"Yeah," Cloud said quickly. "Ratcliff got his locker open so I took them – so what'd you buy earlier?" He stood and moved over to the bag, tugging at one of the handles.

Zack spun around and grabbed Cloud's hand with a chuckle. "Nuh-uh, sneaky monkey, don't be so nosy."

"That's only going to make me more curious," Cloud said with a slight pout.

Zack couldn't help but laugh then; it was a raucous laugh that felt like a breath of fresh air in the aftermath of the earlier tension, even if he would rather have heard Cloud laugh like that instead of himself. But with Cloud's piqued expression, with eyebrows raised and with his mouth slightly open in anticipation, he was fueled to relax.

"I have something for you in here," Zack said, dipping his hand in the bag and grinning wider when Cloud was trying to peer inside before he brought it out to give to him; Cloud was acting like an impatient young boy … it was so cute.

Cloud opened his mouth to say something, but Zack had already pulled out the item and held it up between them nervously.

"I didn't know if you'd like it … or even want to use it. But I saw it and there was no way I couldn't get it for you. Not after you made it a point to tell me how much you cherished it as a kid."

A drinking glass with bright pink pigs adorning it was handed over to Cloud's waiting hands, and he stared down at it in what could have been silent awe, but Zack was having a hard time reading his expression now.

"They had other designs. Like chocobos and moogles, even lady bugs, but I think the pink was what caught my eye. Maybe it was the curly tails, who knows." Zack shrugged, not taking his eyes off Cloud.

Cloud turned the glass over a few times, his fingers passing over the images of the pigs, and his slack mouth twitched before stretching into the widest smile Zack had seem him wear in what seemed like a very long time.

"My pig cup!" Cloud said breathlessly. "It almost looks just like the one I had as a kid!" He looked up excitedly at Zack, pointing down at it with the same vigor. "Thank you, Zack!"

_Damn, he really is too cute._

"There really isn't much difference between them. Mine was shorter because it was a kid's glass, but the images are pretty similar." Cloud turned over the cup to look at the bottom. "I wonder if it's the same company …" He trailed off deep in thought as though he would possibly remember such a detail as a child.

"Gods," Zack said excitedly while laughing. "I love you!"

Cloud was still clamoring over the cup and didn't even notice when Zack slapped a hand over his mouth.

"I wonder if my mom remembers where she got it originally."

Zack said nothing, his hand still pressed firmly against his mouth.

"Maybe a neighbor gave it to her. They were always giving her things after my dad died to help her along."

Still, he said nothing.

"She'd get a kick out of this. Maybe I'll … finally write her a letter and tell her about it."

His lips were going numb now; his skin was on fire.

"But when did I tell you that I had a cup like this? How did you know? Zack?" Cloud finally looked up, their eyes meeting. His gaze trailed from Zack's hand over his mouth to what Zack was sure was a horrified look on his face.

Cloud set the cup down on the counter without looking or tearing his eyes away from Zack's. "W-what … what did you say?"

Zack finally lowered his hand, revealing a tremulous and goofy grin. "'You're too cute'?"

"That's not what you said," Cloud said quickly.

"Yes it was." Zack cursed himself mentally when his nose twitched and Cloud's eyes caught this.

"No. It wasn't. What did you say?" Cloud demanded, his hands beginning to shake down at his sides.

Zack bit his bottom lip in hesitance."'G-g-gods, I l-love you'," he repeated. "J-just without the s-stammers."

Those large, blue eyes were now staring at him without curiosity, without enamor or excitement … without the emotion that Zack hoped to hear declared back to him after he let his own slip.

Cloud's face was expressionless, even when he turned and left without a single word.

Zack stared as the door closed and as Cloud's footsteps disappeared down the hall. He continued to stare, even as he moved around from the kitchen area to collapse onto the couch.

He felt as though an old weight had lifted from his shoulders; he felt as though a new one was settling down in its place and digging its presence deep into him. He couldn't run after Cloud – he suddenly had not the energy or even any more words to say.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Seven: Familiar Words and Lies.

Ending Author's Babble: ZOMG HELLO EVERYONE. ; w ; I MISSED YOU ALL YOU HAVE NO FRIGGIN' IDEA. It's been a long month and a half or so, hasn't it? I hope everyone had nice holidays, yush?

So … like … ohehmgee … Zack finally let the beans spill, didn't he? Not how he exactly wanted to say it, but then again … that's life for you. Sometimes the most important things we want to say come out at the most ridiculous, yet sincere times. *giggle*

Just one quick military-related lesson: An MRE (mentioned at the beginning) stands for Meals Ready to Eat, and they are prepackaged meals (with shelf lives for up to three years!) that the armed forces use to feed their men when they're out in the field and no gourmet kitchen is readily available. Lol They are infamous for their … unpalatable and questionable quality. Some people refer to them as "Meals Rejected by Everyone", "Meals, Rarely Edible", "Meals Rejected by the Enemy", etc.. My ex boyfriend had a ton of them after he came back from Iraq and Kuwait, and I used to eat the cookies from them. = w = They were kinda tasty.

Anyhoo, I had a bunch to talk about, but meh. XD OH! I will mention this! MY DARLING KISHIKO-KEI FROM DEVIANTART. COM DREW ME SOME AMAZING FAN-AAARRRT! It's from "Chapter Sixteen: Bittersweet Angel"! The romantic fountain scene~~~

Copy and paste the link into your browser, but delete the spaces first!

http : / / kishiko-kei. deviantart. com/ art/ Undercover-Angel-195452294

If the link doesn't work, there is also one in my profile, of course! ; w ; Isn't it just beautiful?

Hrm … so I didn't get as far as I wanted during my break. I'm hitting a very, very crucial part in this story and really want to make sure everything makes sense and things are justified. So please, please bear with me. I don't want to hastily write this out and then regret something later, you know? So I'm going to hold off until Tuesday, February 22nd. Not as long as last time, eh?

Thank you for sticking around, everyone. I really do appreciate your support. :3


	47. Chapter FortySeven: Familiar Words

Chapter Forty-Seven: Familiar Words and Lies

* * *

A night had not gone by that sleep was not disturbed in some way. And it wasn't as though Cloud did not care that each night was filled with nightmares that were not his own, or filled with whimpers that he – for once – did not make, or even that he had never heard the man that he once perceived as being so level suddenly being capable of crying with such sorrow …

Nighttime was no longer a ritual of rest – it was consumed with attempts at calming a hysterical man. His own sleep went ignored for trying to get Ratcliff to sleep. His own comfort was disregarded – when he did manage to catch a few hours – when interrupted by Ratcliff awaking with fright, causing the bunk to jostle. One night he had reacted from a nightmare with such hysteria it had caused the entire barrack to awaken, and no one but Cloud made an effort to ease him. Cloud gave what he had in encouraging words, kind embraces and patience … hell, he had even sneaked out of the barracks to buy Ratcliff a candy bar from the vending machine … it just never seemed to work.

Cloud did care. He really did. But so many words in so many ways could only console for so long.

Even if he did know what to do to comfort the man at night, he had not the energy to continue after several straight weeks of this. He was past the point of trying; he was past the point of frustration. He was numb. And each night, as if like clockwork, when Ratcliff would startle awake, Cloud would open his eyes passively, as though being awakened on his own accord, and he would simply wait. It varied what Cloud would wait for, as some nights it was for another man in the barrack to mumble for Ratcliff to be quiet as he whimpered, some nights it was for Ratcliff to leave the bunk to pace about nervously, and some nights it was for his own sleep to claim him … if even for a moment.

But through all this, what stayed consistent was the exhaustion and feeling of utter helplessness. There was little hope for Cloud that all would be well when the sun would rise, as even during the day Ratcliff was detached. Verbal responses were lagged, emotive reactions – whether good or bad – were nonexistent, and his empty staring was so intense it could have burned a hole through time and space.

His eating habits even changed – declined was more accurate. During mealtimes, he would go through the usual motions of loading up his tray of his usual favorites, but once he sat at the table, the food would go ignored. It was frustrating, even if Cloud could relate to not having an appetite during certain times. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep and constant stress Ratcliff endured at night, but his strange behavior continued as the days trudged on.

The biweekly visits to the psychiatrist brought no consolation. Ratcliff didn't have to say a word to Cloud for Cloud to know that there was little effectiveness in seeing Dr. Bleier. He knew this well, as he felt most of his visits with Dr. Arolin were nothing but a waste of time, but Cloud was at least able to acknowledge his own personal progress as time went on, no matter how slim it seemed. But with Ratcliff, it was as though he were reverting to the nightmare that had caused everything with each session with that psychiatrist.

Worse and worse Ratcliff seemed to become, and Cloud couldn't help but to follow.

Their bodies were craving sleep. He wasn't sure how Ratcliff was exactly holding up physically – even though the man did seem more lethargic and thinner – but Cloud knew that his own health seemed dulled. Activities that he was once able to complete with ease now seemed arduous. He would get waves of weakness during stressful situations when normally adrenaline would fuel him. His appetite would come and go, he could barely pay attention to any instructions given to him by his superiors, he even noticed his vision wavering when that weakness took over. And his migraines … they were coming in full force, and the pills were taken in succession.

Cloud now lay in his bunk, already having given up on keeping track of the days and nights they both lost to the upheaval of sleep, and Ratcliff lay above him making a poor attempt at muffling his nightly anguish in his pillow. There was a small twinge of what Cloud assumed was either resentment or agitation, as he had finally drifted off, only to have been awoken by Ratcliff crying out Graves' name.

It surprised him at first, as he hadn't felt such irritation at the man in quite a number of days, after becoming numb to the nightly occurrence. It wasn't until tiny bits of his dream came back to him did he realize why he seemed to gain back a bit of that numbed emotion once again.

He had been dreaming about Zack.

Cloud's stomach twisted into a knot and all the muscles in his chest and throat became unbearably tight. He suddenly felt smothered not by Ratcliff's troubles, but by his own. For as long as he had been enduring all of this, he also had been enduring his own personal guilt.

He had estranged himself from Zack for nearly a month, dodging him at every opportunity, ignoring him and running away whenever the SOLDIER would try to contact him. He knew why Zack had been seeking him out so desperately … he could see it in the strain of the man's face for the brief moment that Cloud dared to make eye contact when they happened to cross paths.

Zack just wanted to be loved in return.

Yet, Cloud couldn't bring himself to. Not after his behavior, not after his self-doubt and insecurities; not after his dishonesty.

More lies. More … more lies. Lies were mounting on top of each other as Cloud tried to climb over, and he no longer could reach the summit of them to come back down. _Why _had he lied to Zack? He had actually _enjoyed _being fingered by Zack. He had actually _enjoyed _touching himself together with Zack. So why had he resorted to using that lie as his escape when cornered with Zack's questioning? Why had he put the blame on the poor man when he couldn't bring himself to tell him what was really the matter?

Graves being dead and Ratcliff acting strange with Shin-Ra's dirty red hands labeled all over his actions were the real reasons. And yet, Cloud had stooped so low as to dodge the truth and promote that his obvious distress had been all Zack's doing.

He had even lied about taking Graves' shoulder armor, for Shiva's sake.

_Gods, I'm nothing but scum._

And now he had no one. He had dug himself such a hole that he might as well have stayed there and rotted. He didn't deserve to be pulled out of his hole by Zack. He didn't deserve Zack's love.

The usual ambience during the night inside the barracks was playing, sleepy noises and ambiguous shapes moving subtly in the darkness. It seemed whenever Cloud couldn't sleep was when the rest of the barrack was most peaceful, and at times like these he had wished he could take opportunity of such serenity. Instead, he was focusing too much on the familiar mantra of Graves' name that Ratcliff was muttering as he slept to even consider sleeping.

There was something different about it tonight … he was muttering something else … something new.

He was mumbling Cloud's name as well now.

Cloud sat up in his bunk, unsure if Ratcliff was awake or dreaming. Perhaps the man was calling out to him in a faint state of consciousness; perhaps he needed something, like water or just a familiar touch of comfort.

"Yeah?" Cloud whispered, leaning over the side of the bunk to peer up at the man's form in the darkness. His name had been muttered a bit more forcefully now.

"It'll be okay …" was his answer.

"What?" Cloud held his breath when he was unsure if that was what he had really heard or not. He attempted to at least eliminate one less sound from his surroundings to hear better.

"We'll get you out."

Ratcliff must have been dreaming, but Cloud still slipped out of bed and stepped up the ladder. He could see in the darkness that Ratcliff was in a fetal position, his arms wrapped around himself, blankets strewn about.

"He won't hurt you again, Cloud."

Cloud's blood began to run fast and cold, and even though Ratcliff was only dreaming; even though Cloud was safe in the barrack … even though Mejia was dead, a heavy force seemed to press upon him.

"I won't let him take you."

Cloud began to say Ratcliff's name, but no sound, not even a squeak, left his lips. It took him a moment to compose his voice before he finally got out the man's name and before he could make sense to grasp him and shake him awake.

"Wake up," Cloud whispered.

And just like every night in the past few weeks, Ratcliff started awake, thrashing momentarily before he sat up, drenched in sweat and confusion. He looked about with a wild sort of expression – almost savage … even feral.

"You okay?"

Ratcliff stared at him widely, his eyes flickering across Cloud's body which still clung to the ladder. "Are you!"

Cloud just stared at him incredulously.

"Y-you …" Ratcliff tossed what little blanket had been covering his body to the side and got to his knees, crawling to the edge of the bunk, inches from Cloud. His hands reached out and he began to pat Cloud's chest frantically. "Where are you bleeding!"

Cloud shrugged his hands off as best he could for being perched on the bunk ladder, but to no avail – Ratcliff's hands were back on his body and searching for something that wasn't there.

"I'm not bleeding!" Cloud whispered. "You were having another dream. I'm – stop it – I'm fine!"

Finally he was able to get the man from groping him needlessly, but Ratcliff still seemed disorientated. He was now looking around the darkness as though searching for something or someone.

"We'll get you … help … quickly," he murmured.

"I don't need help. You were _dreaming_!"

There was a moment's pause before Ratcliff began to touch his chest once more, just as aimlessly, if not a little more.

"I'm sorry … I'm so sorry!"

Cloud was unable to figure out if the man was aware of his surroundings now, or if he was still reacting to whatever he had been dreaming about. He reached up and grasped Ratcliff's hands in his, giving them a firm squeeze. "Don't. It's … okay," Cloud whispered, releasing the man's hands when they stopped in all movement and resistance.

He peered at Ratcliff for a while, watching as the man ran a hand through his hair and across his face. He muttered something angrily about the amount of sweat he was covered in, and that was when Cloud knew he was cognitive.

"All right now?"

"Yeah," Ratcliff said, his voice shaking. "Yeah."

"Can I ask you what you were dreaming about?"

"Nothing," Ratcliff said quickly.

"That wasn't '_nothing_'."

Ratcliff's sudden glower seemed to be quite clear in the darkness, and even if it wasn't, his tone of voice spoke for it. "I don't remember, all right?"

Cloud found himself taken aback, but he nodded respectfully. "Okay. S-sorry I asked." He continued to stand on the bunk ladder, unwilling to move until Ratcliff lay back down.

"Shouldn't you be going back to sleep?" Ratcliff asked so curtly that he might as well have slapped Cloud in the face and knocked him off the ladder.

"S-sorry …"

Cloud slipped back down the ladder, swallowing loudly. He crawled back into his bunk, trying to fight back a lump that threatened to grow from shock. He lay there, replaying the last few minutes in his head until, deep within him, that irritation he had long forgotten began to resurface.

"Not like I get much sleep with you acting like this anyway," Cloud whispered harshly.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Ratcliff was silent, as though he were trying to question what he had heard in disbelief.

"Go to sleep, Cloud."

Cloud rolled over onto his stomach and muffled a scoff into his pillow.

* * *

Neither slept. Neither had even tried. And both were quite aware that the other still lay awake, but no attempt was made to talk or console one another. If they weren't supposed to be sleeping under the blanket of the night and were face-to-face, it would have been a tension-filled, cold-shouldered, long moment where neither spoke in irritation.

And it continued even when the sun began to rise after the men in the barracks had long since been awake and readying for their day ahead. And the strange tension trickled between them as time passed, like rain through a weakened roof – unwanted, unstoppable, and if left ignored the damage it would cause would be insurmountable.

They were assigned patrol duty through several sectors after an early breakfast, which Ratcliff did not eat much once again. Cloud was thankful that they were ordered to patrol separately – each at a neighboring sector and passing by at a designated point – because interaction was robotic; they only spoke when needed.

Cloud didn't understand why Ratcliff was given not a single lift of duty. The man was obviously suffering from _something_, even if he was physically able, but the company continued to assign him their usual tasks. He may have been lethargic from lack of sleep and food, but he still functioned normally when given orders. In fact, around superiors or peers, he seemed perfectly fine. Flashing that smile – even if Cloud could tell it pained him – to even receiving passing marks on the rifle qualification he had to make up since he had been in the infirmary during the previous one – it all seemed normal behavior.

But … he wasn't. When not under the scrutiny of Haskin – who still watched them like a hawk – or under the attention of anyone else, Ratcliff's guise crumbled. He would be reduced to how his behavior was at night. A few times Cloud had found him alone in the locker area, or around a deserted hallway, and caught the man quaking and muttering to himself. Cloud had spent a few minutes simply observing and saw that Ratcliff would straighten up and collect himself as best he could if anyone neared. He would carry on conversations as though he were of right mind, but the moment Cloud approached … the moment Cloud showed a shred of worry, Ratcliff would break down.

Maybe it was because Cloud could sympathize_. _Or maybe it was because Ratcliff saw Cloud as someone who wouldn't judge him, as someone who wouldn't turn away. Maybe it was because they were the same.

And Cloud could understand entirely. As much as Cloud tried not to, Zack had been the one he would break to.

Afternoon came at its leisure, and Cloud was unsure if he should have been thankful that it came so slowly as he and Ratcliff had a scheduled lunch together. He was nervous about how it would play out, given the tension of the morning. But once they received the order to take a break, they met up and shared an awkward moment before Cloud muttered something about a sandwich shop that they passed on their patrol, and both headed towards it together without a single word. They both were quite shocked to hear each other speak when they gave their food orders, since they had been so quiet throughout the day; hearing each other speak was almost foreign.

They sat together at the same table – most likely out of habit or a bad attempt at normalcy – and Cloud was more shocked to see Ratcliff finally eating something, even if he only ate half of what he ordered. He mostly spent the time they sat there staring out the window at the passersby.

Cloud could hardly take it anymore. So many questions had been going through his head about everything that he could no longer ignore it – be damned the consequences and the awkwardness.

"You mentioned something a few weeks ago … in Kunsel's quarters."

Cloud's voice scared Ratcliff in his seat, and he jerked away from the window to turn his gaze onto the blond.

"Forget I said anything, yeah."

"I want to know what you were talking about. I think it has something to do with the dream you had this morning."

"I said forget I said anything," Ratcliff said harshly, grabbing a chip from his plate and tossing it back down again.

"Does it have something to do with Mejia?"

Ratcliff pushed his plate away in what looked like sudden disgust.

Cloud ran his teeth over his bottom lip before speaking carefully, respectfully. "You always said I could talk to you about anything … especially Mejia. So why can't it work the other way around?"

"Drop it, yeah."

"So it _does _have something to do with him. And me."

"Just eat your damn food," he said warningly.

"I've been patient, Ratcliff," Cloud began, most of that sentence coming out in a heave of a sigh, "and I'm trying to understand what you're going through. But you're making it hard."

"I never asked you to, yeah."

Cloud sat for a while, anger beginning to churn and quickly frothing to the surface. He leaned forward over his plate, talking as low and as calm as he could. "I don't know what the hell is going on, or what the hell goes on behind …" Cloud trailed off, unable to think of the name of Ratcliff's doctor suddenly. "… your doctor's doors, but with how you're acting, I don't think it's doing you any good."

Ratcliff suddenly had the expression that he was about to lose it – by either crying or shouting, or both.

A warm breeze blew across Cloud's back then as the door to the shop opened behind him, and he felt someone lingering, bringing the scent of gunpowder and cigarettes to his nose. He caught Ratcliff's eye darting back down to his sandwich and Cloud felt his heart lurch in his chest.

He could see in the reflection of a window behind Ratcliff that it was that redheaded Turk, and his gaze was turned on them. Maybe it was because they were both in uniform and obviously worked for the same company, but Cloud had a strong feeling that it was for other reasons.

The Turk stayed but a moment longer and sauntered up to the counter to place a food order, and said not one thing to either of them, nor did he give them any more glances. But Cloud knew he was still watching them, and Ratcliff seemed to know that as well, for he stiffly stood and tossed his food into the trashcan and then left.

"What division, yo?"

Cloud turned his head away from watching Ratcliff leave to the sight of the Turk having tossed himself in the now empty chair across from him. Cloud swallowed with great difficulty.

"S-Sir?"

"What division are ya in, yo? Logistics, supplies, infantry?"

"I-Infantry, sir."

The Turk reached forward and grabbed a chip from Cloud's plate and stuffed it into his mouth, chewing rather rudely. He hooked his foot around a chair nearby at another table and spun it around, then kicked both his legs up onto it in a show of complete ease, which Cloud found very unsettling.

"Hey … I know ya." The Turk nodded a few times to himself, peering at Cloud with narrowed eyes. "You're the one that I delivered that order to a few months back, yo."

"Order?" Cloud was now the one to narrow his eyes in thought, straining his memory that far back and through all that had happened.

"Yup." The Turk ate another one of his chips, glancing up at the counter to see if his food was ready. "The one that said ya'd be jail-bait if ya didn't go to your quack session, yo."

It took Cloud a few moments to decipher what this Turk was saying, but he eventually remembered the order he received stating that he would be thrown in the brig had he not showed up to his scheduled appointments with the psychologist.

"I-I remember, sir."

The Turk reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled-looking, familiar piece of paper. He waved it about nonchalantly. "Got another one."

His heart that had been lurching suddenly dropped to his stomach.

"Seems like all I am lately is a delivery boy, yo. Not what I signed up for."

Cloud watched as the Turk continued to wave it around in front of him. He reached up and started to take it reluctantly, his mind racing with reasons as to why he would be ordered to see the psychologist again. But the Turk pulled it away from Cloud's fingers with such grace and such timing that it seemed as though the Turk wasn't even aware that Cloud was grabbing for it.

"S'not for you though, it's for that dude who just left, yo," the Turk said with a sigh, setting it down on the table as one of the employees behind the counter alerted him that his order was ready. He stood up and walked away, leaving it there.

Cloud looked down at it, glancing back at the Turk who had his back turned and continued to have it turned as he flirted with the woman behind the counter for a few moments as he gathered his meal. Cloud wasted no time in reading it, even if it was upside down.

Familiar words. Very, very familiar words.

"_Failure to follow through with this order will result in disciplinary action which includes, but not limited to: Trial through court-martial, honorable discharge and/or corrective custody._"

They were forcing Ratcliff to go to the psychiatrist, how stupid could Cloud have been not to realize? The pills, the hypnosis, the decline to switch doctors – it was all an order, just like the order they gave Ratcliff to kill Graves. He was just following orders, even though it seemed to be torturing him.

It wasn't the first time that Cloud had heard of an instance where men were ordered to shoot those who were once comrades. Hell, there were even rumors flying around Shin-Ra about Genesis Rhapsodos not having been 'killed in action' like how the reports claimed, but actually deserting the company with some of the elite SOLDIERs chasing after. Reports of the man popping up all over the Planet only proved that lies and deceit was what Shin-Ra did best.

But _why_? What did this have to do with Graves' death? Was Shin-Ra trying to cover something up? Why had they been ordering Ratcliff's silence? It had only been a _reconnaissance_ mission. Granted, it ended with Graves perhaps putting up enough of a fight to receive the order to shoot to kill, but would Shin-Ra really bother with trying to cover up something so trivial as a mere deserting and defying infantryman?

"Whoops, clumsy me."

Cloud snapped out of his musing to see that the redheaded Turk had taken a seat across from him again. The Turk made a playful whistling sound as he slid the order towards himself and deposited it back into his pocket.

"Not really meant for prying eyes, yo."

"You did that on purpose," Cloud said weakly.

"Did I, yo? That'd imply that I went against a direct order from my boss to deliver this in an 'efficient an' private manner'," he said with an air of mocking what were most likely his boss' words.

Cloud shut his mouth after a feeble apology, feeling his face heating up. He probably shouldn't have accused a Turk, whom he didn't even know, of disobeying orders for the sake of someone such as himself. He had no worth to this person. But Cloud had a hard time believing that a Turk would be so blatantly incompetent.

The Turk scoffed. "Don't be so damn wimpy, yo. If ya bothered to say it like ya meant it, I might've admitted to somethin'."

After a moment, Cloud sat up a little straighter and forced himself to look into the Turk's eyes. "Why did you show this to me?" he said with a little more force.

"That's more like it, yo," the Turk said, leaning back in his chair and looking somewhat amused. "See, I didn't come here to show ya this, yo. Think of it as a bonus. My polite way of saying 'keep your damn nose where it should be' before my boss does, yo."

Cloud sat, baffled, his mouth agape.

"Don't go askin' questions that'll never be answered."

"D-Do you mean … Ratcliff?" Cloud looked out the window, as though Ratcliff were standing right there, but he had been long gone.

The Turk looked in the direction that Cloud did, stuffing a few chips into his mouth with a hum. "That his name, yo? Yup, that guy." He turned back to Cloud, an eyebrow cocked in a definite display of sizing Cloud up for whatever reason. "Jus' accept it for what it is. He ain't allowed to talk 'bout shit, so don't ask."

"I understand –"

"No one. Don't ask no one nothin', yo. Not even Zack."

Zack …

Cloud's heart had surprisingly climbed up from his stomach and seated itself back where it should have been at the mention of the man's name.

"Is … that an order?"

The Turk laughed a single, sarcastic laugh. "Ya catch on quick, yo."

"Then, sir, why are you here?"

"Gettin' lunch, what's it look like, yo?"

The door behind him opened once more, sending in another blast of fresh air from outside. This time it carried with it a simple scent of perfume.

The redheaded Turk grinned widely at whomever was now standing behind Cloud, then waved lazily. "Yo."

"Honestly, Reno, can you not get Tseng's lunch without dicking around?" a woman said.

Cloud turned in his seat to see a familiar female Turk standing with her arms crossed over her chest, but he couldn't remember where exactly he had seen her before. Her eyes were cast no where near him, but were locked onto her subordinate's with an icy stare. And even though her gaze was no where near Cloud's, he felt as though she were still looking at him.

"Hey! I got it just fine. But look what I found, yo." Reno motioned to Cloud, and Cloud gave the Turk a respectful nod and what he hoped looked like a smile, and not a grimace.

"Well, Reno," she said, smiling mildly at Cloud, "you managed to kill two birds with one stone. I guess that amounts to something."

"Nah, I haven't talked to 'im yet 'bout that."

Cloud turned back around in his seat, a wave of dread washing over him. "Talk to me? About what?"

The female Turk walked over to where Reno had his feet resting on the chair and shoved them off. He grunted his dismay but allowed her to take a seat.

"And here I thought you were doing what we set out to do. You were dicking around, after all."

"Cut me some slack, Cissnei, I ain't good at this stuff, yo. Not my fault ya were too busy gawking at that dress in the shop back there and didn't get here in time."

Cissnei's face turned a bit red, but that could have been the bright afternoon sun hitting her and illuminating her auburn hair, but Cloud couldn't exactly tell. Her expression remained stoic.

"What's going on?" Cloud asked, glancing between the two. A feeling of foreboding had never been so strong.

"We … wanted to talk to you about … Zack," she said slowly, a small twinge of a smile hitting her lips.

"What about him?" Cloud said quickly, defensively.

She paused long enough to give Reno a glance, and he just shrugged. It was though they weren't exactly sure how to tell Cloud whatever it was that they were there for. Which made him all the more frightened, and it started to show on his face.

"He's not _physically _hurt or anythin', if that's what you're thinkin', yo. So don't go freakin' out."

"That's his nice way of saying 'relax', Strife," Cissnei said kindly.

Cloud couldn't help but not believe them, and couldn't help but feel that this was a game of 'Good Cop, Bad Cop'. He continued to glance between them, his eyes wide.

"He's been really down," she said. "For a while now."

"Yeah, the fool can't do his damn work properly since ya've up an' left 'im, yo."

"I-I don't know what you're talking about," Cloud said, breathlessly. He started to squirm in his seat and they noticed, but he could have cared less.

"Tseng's been gettin' real pissy lately, ya know," Reno said, stealing another one of Cloud's chips that went ignored. "We've been havin' to pick up his slack 'cuz of it, yo."

"He's been really distracted since you've stopped talking to him. Will you just give him some time?"

"Yeah, kiss an' make up already!"

"How did you guys know we were …?" Cloud murmured.

Cissnei finally broke a smile, even if it was slightly sarcastic. "Seeing you under-dressed with messy hair in Zack's apartment was enough to know. I mean, _come on_, he made you _eggs _of all things_._"

"Yup, ya always make eggs for the _morning after_, yo."

The two Turks shared a laugh together, but Cloud stayed silent, trying to remember what she was talking about. He knew she had looked very familiar, but he had been trying to think through their short conversation as to who she was and where he had seen her last, but he couldn't do it. Now she was saying that she actually had seen him in Zack's apartment before … under-dressed? He started to develop a headache from thinking about it.

Their laughter died down when they realized that Cloud hadn't joined in and was instead rubbing his head in his hands.

"So, will you talk to him? If you're thinking that he sent us to convince you, you're wrong. We're here without him knowing," Cissnei said, more gently now. "He does seem really distraught, and we haven't seen you two together lately, so we kinda put two and two together …"

Cloud let out an inaudible groan as he pulled his hands away from his face, but still kept his head aimed low. He didn't want to look at them; he didn't want them to see that he too was upset.

Cissnei sighed a little. "You … care about him, right?"

_Of course I do …_

"I-I … don't know. H-He's nice to me and all … I just …"

_Another damn lie …_

Reno slapped his hand down on the tabletop, an exasperated look on his face. "Man, I can't see what Zack sees in ya!"

"Reno! That's rude!" Cissnei cried in utter shock. She immediately, and almost ashamedly, smacked his shoulder and gave Cloud a quick glance.

"Well, lookit 'im!" Reno said, rubbing his shoulder. "He can't even hold his head up high when talkin' 'bout his boyfriend! S'like he's ashamed or somethin'!"

_I'm not …_

"That doesn't give you the right to say something like that!"

_My … head hurts._

"Well he ain't sayin' shit, so someone's gotta –"

Cloud stood up quickly and awkwardly, knocking his chair back. "E-excuse me."

"Where ya goin'? We need an answer, yo! Are ya gonna get back with Zack, or what? I can't take it anymore, yo. He's like a damn lovesick puppy."

Cissnei stood with Cloud in haste. "No, please. Don't listen to Reno. He's an idiot. We're just concerned –"

"Since when are Turks concerned about someone like me?" Cloud said curtly, his hand on the door. "I don't expect you to stick your neck out for me."

When Cloud opened the door, the warm breeze brought only silence with it, and it drifted over all of them for a long moment. The only thing that stopped him from leaving was something Reno muttered softly.

"If ya only knew, yo."

"We're concerned," Cissnei began, taking a tentative step towards him, "because it's affecting the company. And if Tseng catches wind that Zack's performance is slipping because of an employee relationship …"

Cloud didn't need her to finish that sentence to understand. He looked down at his feet, her words sinking in like fangs through weakened flesh. They had a company to protect; they had jobs to get done and they didn't give a damn about his relationship, or even his mentality. It was all to keep things running smoothly so the monsters hidden behind the scenes didn't break free.

He realized that he no longer wondered if something more could have happened to Ratcliff in Nibelheim than he let on.

"Just … talk to him," Cissnei said.

"Fine, I will," Cloud said flatly, and somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered if that was yet another lie.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Eight: Deserving of Pity.

Ending Author's Usual Babble: Short chapter is short. D: Sorry about that, everyone. Things just need to happen in certain chapters, you know? Didn't want things spilling over awkwardly.

Also LOL at: "Don't ask no one nothin', yo." Would that be like a triple negative? XD Hurray for Reno talk!

And silly Cloud, if he only knew that Reno had already stuck his neck out for him by helping Zack learn what really happened back in Kalm. Shin-Ra isn't full of all jerks. Just most.

So. Um. Writing has been sloooow. I know, I say this like every time lately it seems, but it really has been. I know by now that you all understand and the true readers will stick around, right? Right. So gonna wait until Tuesday, March 29th. I have five days off this week for my birthday, so hopefully I'll be able to crack out a good chunk … if I can get over this flu that I have. Le sigh.

Thank you all who read, fave and review. C: I need to start responding again to reviews. I've admittedly been rather bad on that as of late. But thank you, and I do read and enjoy them all. And this time I will respond! *pose* Promise!


	48. Chapter FortyEight: Deserving of Pity

Chapter Forty-Eight: Deserving of Pity

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. The site wouldn't let me upload. Kept on giving me some strange Error Type 2 message anytime I would try to edit the story to add the new chapter.

* * *

He wasn't sure what was worse or more excruciating – the migraine that developed since his conversation with the Turks, or the fact that he was now standing outside Zack's door without the answer that Zack was surely hoping for.

He had not a plan for what he would possibly say to him, let alone the will to even knock. Countless times he had stood before this door, countless times he had knocked – some being easier times than others – but never had he been so clueless towards his own intentions. 'You'll think of something' was quite a laughable thought … if Cloud was able to find the ability to laugh through the mindless void that spanned his thoughts.

But he knocked – an awkward and stuttering knock – and before long, he heard footsteps approaching from behind at a lot less rapid pace than his own heartbeat.

"What are you doing here?" Zack said genuinely, once the door was opened and once he seemed to shake off the surprise of seeing Cloud standing in front of him.

It wasn't the reaction that Cloud was hoping for … but then again, Cloud wasn't sure what he was hoping. He wasn't even sure if there was any hope for him at that moment.

"T-t-to t-talk."

Zack eyed him cautiously, those eyes still holding a light for him that Cloud knew he didn't deserve, but then stepped aside with a tremulous smile and beckoned Cloud in.

In the time that Cloud had been away, Zack's apartment reflected the dismay that the Turks had claimed he had been in. It was much like how it looked when Cloud had first set foot in there so long ago. Water bottles and ramen cups littered around, dishes were piled in the sink, and a quick glance into his bedroom revealed sheets that were crumpled at the foot of the bed with the comforter hanging off the side. Cloud hadn't seen it like this in a long time.

But there was something less _bachelorish _about it now_, _and something more … troubled. It was though Zack didn't have the effort to put in to even try.

The door shut behind, but Cloud didn't turn to face him. He felt more than nervous with Zack lingering and waiting for him to initiate a conversation. He was never good at things like this; he started to wish that Zack would heave him out the door and slam it in his face for obviously causing him hurt. But the man only walked past him briskly and into the kitchen area to open the refrigerator.

"Want something to drink?"

"Listen … Zack …"

"I have instant coffee and some hot cocoa mix. I can make you that mocha you've always wanted to try," Zack said casually.

"I-I've been avoiding you," Cloud blurted.

Zack shut the refrigerator door slowly, his shoulders sinking with a quiet sigh. He stood for a moment, contemplating what to say … quite possibly contemplating the confusion and upset he had endured for the past few weeks.

"I," he began, his hand sliding off the handle of the refrigerator to swing down by his side, staring into the appliance with an aloof look. "I was relieved at first."

Cloud shifted nervously on his feet.

"To get something like that off my chest that I had been holding in for so long …" He chuckled once, but the expression on his face was pained. "But when you left like that … I didn't know what to do. 'Was it something I said?' I had thought." He laughed again to himself, giving his head a slight shake. "I couldn't even run after you. I was so confused."

Cloud felt as though he were suddenly intruding on a conversation that wasn't meant for him to hear. But when Zack turned and looked at him, it was quite clear that Zack wanted him to hear this. His doleful eyes … that weakened smile …

_I … caused this._

"I thought that maybe you needed some time … to let it sink in," he said quietly. "So, I gave you time. I'll give you more … I'll give you –" he let out a shuddering breath, "– all the time you need, Cloud. I've told you before that I'll wait for you."

They were both silent. Even with those patient words, Zack had an impatient truth lying close to the surface of his expression. The truth was that he wanted to hear the same vulnerable, yet wondrous words said back to him.

But Cloud couldn't after all his lying, all the difficulties and troubles that he had caused. Zack deserved someone better than that. Zack should not waste his time on someone as pitiful as himself …

_I caused nothing but pity._

"Just … don't," Cloud whispered, lowering his head as his body began to tremble.

Zack took a few steps towards him but didn't close the gap completely, yet Cloud could feel the tension in his body from two feet away.

"Don't … wait for you. Is that what you mean?"

Cloud nodded, his eyes quickly filling with tears and his stomach quickly filling with disgust for feeling this way. He had no right to be upset after everything.

Zack finally closed that gap, his hands gripping Cloud's shoulders tightly as he lowered his head, trying to get a better look at Cloud's face. But Cloud looked away, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to flee.

"You honestly don't know why I love you, do you?" he said, his voice soft. "I can see it in your face, Cloud. You don't think I should."

_I caused all the lies and all your pain._

"No. You shouldn't," Cloud whispered.

"After everything we've been through together …?" Zack asked, giving his shoulders a single shake.

Cloud lifted his head quickly, tears spilling from his eyes as they opened, releasing pent up emotions of anger and sorrow. "That's just it!" he said, his voice cracking. "Our relationship is based off my weakness and your pity. There's nothing there!"

Zack released his shoulders, taking a step back with a look of complete horror. "Why would you say that?"

"Because it's true," Cloud said, wiping at his face angrily. "We're only together because of what happened. You felt sorry for me. You and I both know it."

"You thought this way? You thought that I cared about you because I pitied you? You went along with it when you had all these doubts? You let me …" Zack trailed off, looking away for a moment as whatever thoughts may have crossed his mind – most likely sexual activities they shared as his face suddenly looked ashamed.

_I just can't anymore._

"I-I've wasted your time," Cloud said and began to turn, wanting nothing more than to run.

"Goddamit, Cloud!" Zack suddenly shouted, grasping his wrist and giving it a harsh tug to face him again. "Listen to yourself! You don't mean any of this!"

Cloud whimpered as the force caused him to lose his balance and he stumbled into Zack's chest. The room was spinning and he couldn't collect a shred of his thoughts. None of this seemed right. He knew he was lying again and he didn't know how to stop.

Zack wrapped his arms around Cloud's body, pressing him painfully close. He buried his face in his hair, muttering things that Cloud couldn't quite understand through the sound of his own heavy breathing.

"I'm sorry that I had blurted it out that way. You deserved something better than a mindless slip. I should have been completely certain before I said it … but I thought that you had felt the same way. I knew you did," Zack murmured quickly, stroking the back of Cloud's head with one hand while the other still pressed into him. "I was sure the way you looked at me was the same way I looked at you. Gods … Cloud," he said, squeezing Cloud very tightly as his voice began to sound more desperate. "I do love you. I love everything about you."

"It's just pity. That's all it is," Cloud muttered coldly and to his surprise, Zack released him immediately. He nearly fell over from the sudden movement.

"I'd be lying if I said that I didn't feel pity at one point," Zack said grimly, looking away. "But it was because of what happened to you, not because of how you reacted or handled yourself. You held strong, Cloud. Stronger than most people would."

Cloud scoffed and looked the opposite direction.

"Love doesn't come from pity – _my_ love for _you_ didn't come from pity," Zack said, his voice wavering but still held a desperate strength. "I loved you long before that happened."

"I care about you," Cloud said quietly after a moment. "Y-you're my best friend." It was getting hard to keep his voice level; it was hard keeping his mind level as everything but what he truly wanted to do and say began to take over.

Zack smiled weakly, a bit of hope peeking through.

"But … I don't know … if I love you," Cloud whispered, turning his head back in Zack's direction, but still not making eye contact.

"That's okay," he said reassuringly.

Cloud finally looked at him in disbelief, and if Zack had tears in his eyes, Cloud was unable to tell from his own blocking his view. "Is it?"

Zack sighed, shaking his head, his tone changing to one of a painful, earnest truth. "No. It's not. I want nothing more than for you to be sure that you love me back … for you to say it and mean it … for … for you to have no doubt in your mind about it." He reached up, cupping Cloud's face in his hands, his thumbs passing across his cheekbones. "But I can't force you, just like you can't force yourself either."

And they were silent again. Conflicting thoughts and feelings bombarded the both of them during that moment, and Cloud was growing more and more uncomfortable as the seconds ticked by. He didn't know what to say or what to do. A part of him wanted to fly out that door and not look back, another part wanted to break down in Zack's arms and admit that he was just confused and scared … because he was. But a third part, a deep and relentless part in him anchored itself to his rationale and fed off it, consuming it.

Insecurity was a powerful monster.

"You feel warm," Zack finally muttered with a concerned frown, the gentle movement of his hands now stilled and pressing against Cloud's face with a different purpose.

Cloud ignored him and stepped away, the comforting feeling of Zack's touch leaving him. "I don't know what to do right now, Zack."

_You don't deserve that._

Zack's hands slowly lowered from where they had been – lowering with his shoulders and whatever hope that he had to convince Cloud to reconsider everything that he had just admitted. "I … don't know either."

"Maybe I should go."

"I'd like for you to stay," Zack said in what could have been a commanding tone. "We don't have to talk about this. We don't even have to be in the same room. I just want to know that you're here and are okay."

Quaking legs somehow managed to back towards the door, and Cloud's hand sought out the doorknob behind his body as he moved …

_And I don't deserve you._

… He opened the door as he took one last look at Zack's heartbroken face, and he whispered, "I'm sorry, Zack," and left.

* * *

Somehow he made it back to the barrack in the muddled state that he was in. He vaguely remembered slipping through the door and passing a few of his barrack mates, some of whom spoke to him – most likely asking him if he were all right – but he didn't remember responding to any of them.

He must have said something to satisfy them, as when he stumbled into the locker area and leaned against his locker, no one had followed him in there. He was thankful for that; he didn't want to explain why his face was damp and why his eyes were red to a group of men whom would most likely tease him.

He rested the back of his head against the cool metal surface of his locker, his eyes closing when the bright fluorescent bulbs above started to make his migraine pound even harder. Even the buzzing hum from the bulbs dug its way into his head, clutching onto his nerves.

This migraine really needed to go away so he could think a bit more clear. He pushed himself away from his locker with a slight wobble and turned, taking a moment to recall the combination before opening it. He began to rummage around for his prescription, unsure of where he had left it. He found his toiletry bag stuffed in the corner and began to sift through that. His search soon slowed to a stop when the gravity of what just transpired in Zack's quarters finally hit him.

Now Cloud was confused as to which monster that lurked around was stronger. Insecurity proved to be formidable, but now regret was rising to the ranks of strength. The look on Zack's face was impossible to wipe from his mind, and his own words were just the same. The more and more that he thought about it, the stranger they began to sound. He replayed the whole scene in his head – like torture – to remind himself of the nonsense he had spouted. How could he accuse Zack of such things? It was hard to not think those thoughts, as most of what could have been considered flirting really did happen when Mejia had first thrown him against the bunk so long ago. The trip to the infirmary together, the moment on the couch together as Zack forced him to ice his ribcage … Cloud was very sure that would have been their first kiss, had Zack's phone not interrupted them.

Even when Zack took care of him after the attack in the hall outside the barrack … more and more affection seemed to come from the man, and when Cloud thought about it, it all stemmed from such pitiful things happening. Yet, Zack seemed sure of himself, so adamant to claim that he truly did love him, regardless of what had happened to bring them together. And that affection did continue to grow as time passed when things seemingly settled down.

But if none of that happened … would Zack still have said those three words to him?

Maybe love really didn't come from pity. One could find admiration or respect from the depths of pity when the pitiful began to overcome, but one could easily find disrespect or disappointment when the pitiful began to fall. But was he really overcoming?

His hand brushed up against something cold and metal in his search for his pills. He slowly pulled out the key to Zack's apartment that he had stored away in there when he first received it. He stared at it for a long time.

He … had thought all these thoughts before. He had worried about this exact conflict before with that key in his hand the last time.

_If the pity eventually disappeared, and what was left was still the laughter and affection, would it really matter in the end where it came from?_

He had thought all of this in the past, and back then it had not mattered to him. What had changed since then?

Zack didn't know about the attack in Kalm, or at least, Cloud hoped that he didn't; he didn't know about Graves – there was no pity from that. Zack only knew the time that they spent together and the moments that they shared. All of their smiles, embraces … all of their evolving passion …

It really was love.

"Gods … I'm a fucking idiot," Cloud muttered, giving the key a hard squeeze in his palm. The teeth were painful against his skin as he squeezed, but he couldn't even imagine letting go. He wanted to be reminded of his unforgiving mistake.

"What happened, yeah?"

Cloud jumped, his hand gripping the key even tighter as he was started.

Ratcliff stood beside him with what could have been an angry look. His eyes were scanning Cloud's face, and the more that he stared at him, the more that his expression became angrier.

"Nothing," Cloud said, giving his face a casual wipe of his hand. "Just talked to someone, that's all."

"What'd Zack do to you?" Ratcliff asked, almost hostilely.

Cloud shook his head, making a bit of noise with his belongings in his locker to drown out the fact that he was sniffling. "Nothing, for the last time."

"You're not crying for nothing, yeah."

"Yeah, just like your nightmare was _nothing,_" Cloud muttered, but meant for Ratcliff to hear every word.

Ratcliff stood for a while, his eyes scanning Cloud's movements. "Whatever. I'm late, yeah," he eventually said, his tone dry.

"For what?" Cloud said, continuing his search for his migraine medication. "It's dinner time."

There was a rustling noise beside him, and Cloud looked to see Ratcliff smoothing out a familiar, crumpled-looking order in his hands. It was the one that Reno had flashed to him earlier that day. Ratcliff merely flashed it to him now, already assuming that Cloud could recognize it from his own that he had received in the past.

"Oh," Cloud murmured, finally coming across his prescription bottle beneath a small pile of his civilian clothes. "Want me to save you something to eat while you're there?"

"No," Ratcliff said at once.

Cloud just nodded and began to fumble with the cap of his prescription.

"Look, if Zack hurt you …"

"I'm not helpless, Ratcliff!" Cloud said, giving up on the prescription and slamming it on top of his locker. "Why does everyone think that I can't take care of myself?"

Ratcliff was now the one to look started, and for a moment, he held a very similar look of horror on his face that Zack had worn earlier. "I … just don't want anything bad happening to you, yeah."

"Are you saying that Zack is something _bad_ now?" Cloud asked, rounding on the man with a swelling of sudden defensiveness.

Ratcliff's eyes flickered on Cloud's a few times before darting away evasively. "I'm late," he said, then walked out of the locker room.

Cloud didn't bother to follow him and egg him on; he only bothered to scoff and turn back to his locker to continue his search for his medication.

His patience was already thinned, but now it was crumbling at an incredible speed as he tossed his belongings around his locker, trying to find that damned prescription bottle. Now he didn't bother quieting his verbal temper and was quite aware of the string of expletives leaving his mouth.

He gave up with a vicious growl, slamming his locker shut with trembling arms. He had never wanted to punch his locker so much at that moment, and it wasn't even his locker's fault.

"Looking for something?"

And he started again, looking up to see Kunsel now standing beside him. He had half a mind to shout at the man for sneaking up on him like that; he was tired of people doing that to him.

Kunsel held up his prescription bottle with a sympathetic smile. He placed it in Cloud's outstretched – and still shaking – hand. "You left it on top of your locker. You oughtta be careful where you leave this thing, you know."

Cloud mumbled a sheepish thanks and stuffed it into his pocket. He knew his face was incredibly red.

"Quick question for you," Kunsel began before Cloud could whisk past him. "Know what's up with Zack lately?"

Cloud quickly shook his head, not daring to speak at first as he knew his voice would surely crack.

"Ah," Kunsel said, nodding thoughtfully. "He seems troubled, so I thought that you'd know what was going on with him."

"S-shouldn't you know? I mean," Cloud said when Kunsel lifted an eyebrow, "you do know a lot of what goes on around here."

"Not as much as I want," Kunsel said slowly, looking Cloud over with analytical interest. "I'm still curious –" his eyes continued scanning him to where it almost made him uncomfortable, as though he were reading Cloud's mind, " – about some things."

Cloud was almost afraid to ask. "Like what?"

Kunsel suddenly blinked a few times and shook his head with a smile, coming out of his contemplation. "I'm still curious to know what's going on with Ratcliff. I was just watching you two right now …" He trailed off, back in thought. "I've been ordered to submit weekly reports about his behavior." Kunsel caught the confused look on Cloud's face and shrugged. "It's nothing new. I've heard of … others in charge having to do that before. It's usually done when an individual is on light-duty, or still under doctors' care, whether for a physical ailment, or otherwise."

"Did … you do that on me?" Cloud asked as all sorts of ideas began to run through his head. He could only imagine what Kunsel had reported on him …

Kunsel shook his head. "No, _I_ didn't."

He relaxed, if only a little.

"But, I've been reporting that he's fine. I've been lying," Kunsel said quietly, moving a bit closer as he glanced around.

"He's not, though."

"I know that. He tries to keep up a façade, but I've seen him break down. You'd think that if he were undergoing proper treatment, he'd be somewhat okay by now. Unless of course, something more than just a simple shoot-to-kill order went down in Nibelheim."

"So you know about Graves?"

Kunsel smirked. "I let you guys talk in _my _quarters. At least one of those gadgets in my place is a recording device." His smirk quickly died though, and he had a look of grief over Graves. Cloud followed suit and they were silent for a moment, but Kunsel gave him a pat on the shoulder when tears became apparent in Cloud's eyes, and he tried to make his voice sound more upbeat. "Normally I'd say Ratcliff needs more therapy, but for whatever reason it's not doing him any good."

Cloud swallowed the lump in his throat, also forcing himself to sound as upbeat as he could, given the topic of conversation. "So I'm not the only one."

"I'm going to get my ex to try and take a peek at his files."

"What do you think is going on? He told me that they're using hypnosis!"

"That's not an uncommon practice," Kunsel said kindly when Cloud's voice became accusing and shocked. "It's used to help issues like anxiety and insomnia. Stuff like that. It also helps to modify behaviors, like bad habits and …" He trailed off again, then mumbled his own words once more in reflection.

Cloud rubbed his head with a groan. Things were starting to point in the direction that Cloud was certainly hoping it wouldn't go.

"Something's not sitting right. Try and see if you can get any information from Ratcliff in the meantime."

"I can't," Cloud said from beneath his hands. "I had a run-in with a Turk today. He told me to keep my nose out of it."

Kunsel scoffed, folding his arms over his chest. "Typical. But don't let that stop you, Cloud. That's even more reason to suspect something bigger happened than what's being let on. I mean … just look at what happened in Kalm."

Cloud lowered his hands, a grimace on his face. "What do you mean?"

"That shit that happened to you … well, Ratcliff and I were both ordered by the Turks not to say anything to anyone. Not even to Zack."

A feeling of elation – whether appropriate or not – began to rise from Cloud's sunken stomach and up to his heart from hearing that. Even though it meant that Shin-Ra was indeed covert and solidified Cloud's fears of something more sinister going on, it still meant that Zack truly didn't know what had happened … that Zack really did love him for who he was, and not from pitying him.

It must have shown on his face, for Kunsel gave him a very odd look and studied him for a brief moment. "Anyway," he said slowly, "talk to Ratcliff. And if you think you're being followed, you probably are. If you don't think you're being followed, you definitely are."

"That doesn't leave me with many options," Cloud muttered flatly.

Kunsel just continued. "Stay clear of corners, alleys, potted plants, Commander Haskin, anyone in a suit, not in a suit, and … well, anyone, really."

"That still doesn't leave me with many options."

Kunsel finally chuckled, even if it was a bit sadly. "Go get some dinner. You're looking starved."

Cloud nodded and began to walk past him, but stopped when Kunsel spoke again.

"Oh, and if you see Zack, tell him to snap out of it and come talk to me." He paused, then spoke again, each word said very carefully and pointedly. "Tell him … he should know me better than that by now."

"W-will do," Cloud said in confusion, and left, still feeling Kunsel's analyzing stare, even after he turned the corner.

* * *

As expected, Ratcliff wasn't at dinner in the chow hall, but it was full of rowdy and hungry men to make up for his absence. And Cloud was a fool to think that the men from his barrack had not seen him enter the barrack upset earlier, and now some lightheartedly heckled him for it, and perhaps others not so much. They all seemed to be more inappropriate than usual, but then again, it could have just been Cloud's own mood affecting his views on these men.

He ignored their teasing as best he could as he tried to eat his meal, but his headache was proving to be more persistent than the jeering words of his barrack mates at the table. Before he knew it, he had pushed his plate away and sat with his head in his hands in an attempt to calm the pulsing pain. Fighting back the onset of nausea was even more of a challenge.

"Oh, look, he's crying again," said a familiar voice, yet Cloud could hardly pinpoint who it was until he peeked out from between his fingers to see Zabalza scooting closer on the bench seat. If he didn't have a large, friendly grin on his face, Cloud would have mistaken that for more malicious heckling.

"Shut up," Cloud muttered, forcing a weak smile before cupping his hands over his eyes again. "Just a migraine."

"Aren't you taking pills for those now? We see you popping those things all the time."

"I am. I did. I took them before I came here. But it doesn't seem to be taking the edge off," Cloud said, now considering why he was still in so much pain when the medication normally would bring him decent relief.

"Maybe you need to down the whole bottle," Zabalza said with a chuckle, giving Cloud a single pat on the shoulder before turning to the other men at the table and resuming his dinner.

Why was his head still hurting like this? Maybe it was from the stress of the day – or _month, _rather. He still couldn't even recall a night when he had gotten a decent amount of sleep as of late, and with everything going on with Ratcliff and Zack, he wasn't all that surprised he was getting one this bad right now. But he _had _taken his pill. He took it right before …

Cloud reached down and felt around in his pocket to find that the pill he had taken out of the bottle was still there, along with the bottle itself. He could have sworn he had taken it; it was no wonder why his migraine was still lingering.

He brought the pill to his lips as a wave of dizziness hit him. The blood in his ears pulsed whenever someone at the table shouted too loudly, and the only thing he was aware of at that moment was that he quickly was becoming disorientated. He reached out, grabbing the edge of the table to steady himself. He could do nothing but think of the infirmary, and that made him worse at the thought.

He tried to slip the pill between his lips, but something had stopped him. There was a warm sensation around his wrist, but he couldn't determine what it was in his state.

"Don't."

Cloud forced his eyes open, the light from above seemed to flood his vision. The pill was wiggled from his fingers aggressively, and it was gone before his eyes could finally adjust.

Ratcliff was leaning over the table, one arm still clasped onto Cloud's wrist, the other pinching the pill between his fingers.

"What're you –"

"Don't take that. And don't eat this either." Ratcliff grabbed Cloud's dinner tray and pulled it towards himself, panic across his face.

The attention of the other men at the table was grabbed, and some were already laughing or staring in interest.

"What're you on?" Zabalza said, watching as Ratcliff stood with Cloud's dinner.

"I'm not done with that," was all Cloud could think to say.

Ratcliff ignored him and stood.

"Dude, that's fucked up!" Zabalza said, giving questioning glances between Cloud and Ratcliff, who was now stepping over the bench seat and heading towards the trashcans. "The hell's going on?"

Ratcliff suddenly stopped, whirling around with a crazed look on his face. "They're poisoning us! Haven't you realized!"

There was a hush that fell on the men at the table, and some at the surrounding ones in earshot through the usual bustle of the hall. But it didn't take long for some of the men to start responding with rude remarks and scoffs.

Cloud stood up, ignoring the immense throb that tore through his head at the movement. "S-Stop it, Ratcliff. I don't know what the hell you're thinking, but –"

Ratcliff turned and walked to the trashcans, Cloud scrambling over the bench seat to follow him.

More jeering and raucous laughter from the men sounded. Some of what they said was indistinguishable through the chatter, but Cloud managed to hear a few of them shout, "Uh-oh, lovers' spat!"

Cloud stopped and turned, unsure if he had heard them correctly. The broad grins on some of their faces was enough to confirm. All he could think to do was to flip them off which did nothing but cause more laughter, so he continued to follow Ratcliff.

He allowed the man to dump his tray of food into the trashcan, not wanting to cause more of a scene, and trotted after him when he burst through the doors and into the hallways of the building.

"What the hell was that about?" Cloud shouted after him, trying to catch up. The man was walking at an incredible pace towards the barracks. He chased after him through several flights of stairs, all the while shouting at the man to stop. He was ignored.

They reached their barrack floor and rounded a corner. Cloud nearly collided with Ratcliff when he stopped and turned quickly.

"Are you that stupid, Cloud?"

Cloud stammered, panting heavily from what shouldn't have been an exerting activity while trying to keep up with him. He was stunned.

"Are you that fucking naïve to not realize they've been poisoning us for a long time!"

He could only stare; he could only look deep into the man before him, with some hope that this would make sense. His mind was reeling with no sign that it would stop – not when his friend … his _only _friend was no longer the same. His only friend that was once so calm, once so kind and level …

This friend now stood before him – eyes wide and red, skin pale and clammy, frame thinned and frail … his mind broken.

Cloud had to keep calm. If he didn't right now – as Ratcliff was visibly shaking and looking close to losing whatever composure he had left – then nothing but chaos would ensue between the both of them.

"Is that why," Cloud began, forcing the tremor in his voice to steady, "you don't eat anymore?"

"No shit!" he shouted, taking a step closer to Cloud. "Don't pretend you haven't noticed, because I sure have, yeah!"

"Noticed what?" Cloud narrowed his eyes as the man took another step closer, but Cloud didn't move away. "The only thing that I notice is that you're making one hell of an accusation towards the company. It's nuts!"

"Open your damn eyes, Cloud!" Ratcliff shouted again, moving so close that Cloud was forced to take a step back, drawing closer to the wall across from the barracks. "You think I haven't noticed how you've lost weight?"

Cloud now had to reach behind himself to feel around for the wall as he continued to be pushed back. His eyes were locked on Ratcliff's. "I haven't much."

"You can't focus worth shit lately, yeah! You have constant headaches!"

"You told me," Cloud whispered, his back finally hitting the wall, and the sound of his prescription bottle rattled in his pocket, "that was the concussion syndrome."

"Yeah?" Ratcliff said lowly, now having stepped so close to Cloud that he was forced to fully press himself against the wall. "Well, that was before I saw all that shit in Nibelheim."

Cloud's blood chilled, his eyes frozen on the man. His breath stopped.

"Give me your pills."

"W-what?" Cloud said, trying to hold onto his composure. "No." His hands instinctively went down to his pockets where his prescription resided.

"Now!"

He shook his head, his mind sifting through whatever it could to steer this conversation elsewhere – _anywhere. _"What happened in Nibel –"

Ratcliff struck Cloud across the face. His yell of force and Cloud's yell of surprise ripped through the quiet hall in tandem. Cloud staggered; he was unable to focus on anything but the sudden and searing pain in his lip and cheek. He couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened – and before he even had a second of a chance, Ratcliff lunged forward.

One hand was slammed against Cloud's chest, knocking him back against the wall. His head hit second. He was pinned, as Ratcliff's hand continued to press against his chest, despite Cloud's weak struggling. The man's other hand dipped down, trailing across his trembling body towards the pockets on his uniform trousers.

"Give them to me, Cloud," Ratcliff muttered, increasing his hold. "You're not going to take them anymore, yeah!"

Cloud sucked in the breath that had been knocked from his chest, blood from his newly split lip being sucked into his mouth as well. He could taste it – coppery and warm. It made his stomach churn and began to flood him with a familiar haunting. "G-get off," he said, making a feeble attempt to grip Ratcliff's shoulders.

Ratcliff shook Cloud's hands off with a simple shrug. "Where are they, yeah?" he muttered frantically, his hands groping around Cloud's body in his search.

Cloud tried to growl, but a whimper came out instead when Ratcliff suddenly pressed their bodies together, now using his weight to pin him. Cloud began to feel a swell of anxiety as Ratcliff's roaming hand brushed up against his groin when he realized the pills were in the opposite pocket.

His head was screaming with both pain and memories that quickly were surfacing. He felt the warm, familiar trickle of blood run from his lip; he felt all the familiar trauma creeping into his mind as Ratcliff handled his body in his desperate search.

Now his head lulled to the side, his blurry vision coming across an old blood stain on the wall not a foot away from where he was pinned.

"No …"

More frantic movements, more pressure, more pain.

"I care about you, Cloud."

Cloud whimpered again, images flashing in his mind of this hallway, of being pinned and defiled …

"Shh … let me do this." The pills were found, the bottle slowly being removed. "I don't want you to end up like us …"

"Please." Hot tears spilled from Cloud's eyes. "… Don't."

Cloud was released quickly and he slumped to the floor with a moan.

"I'm sorry, yeah?" Ratcliff said as he realized what was happening, his voice distant and tremulous. "I'm sorry … so sorry … sorry …" And he ran off, the sound of Cloud's prescription rattling in his hand disappearing down the hallway with his sobbing.

Cloud stayed there for a long time … or what felt like a long time. His whole body shook, yet nary a sound – sob or whimper – left his bleeding lips. He couldn't take his eyes off the old stain of his blood on the wall, and he numbly wondered if there was a new one to join it.

He eventually rolled his eyes down, almost expecting his uniform to be disheveled and his body exposed, but they hardly looked pilfered through. Yet he couldn't shake the feeling of being violated from his mind, even if that was far from what had happened.

Clambering up on weak legs, he glanced back to where his head had hit the wall, but took no solace in the fact that there was no blood this time. Even if there was, it wouldn't have made any difference.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Forty-Nine: Grin and Bear.

Ending Author's Note: Jeez, Cloud. It's not like Zack was asking you to marry him or anything. Give him a few months and he might, though. Teehee … C:

Hey everyone! I have some wonderful pieces of fan-art to share today! Four actually!

First is from kishiko-kei! It's a portrait of shirtless!Ratcliff (remove the spaces in the web address!)

**h t t p : / / kishiko-kei. deviantart. com / art / Uhmmmm-Haigaiz-199842072**

Isn't he just utterly darling? OwO What a face. I watched her work on it via Livestream. I gotta say, it was a bit surreal to watch her draw my OC's nipples. LOL

Next is three pieces of traditional art by Djali aka Kitsuchi-chan (remove the spaces in the web addresses!)

From Chapter Thirty-Three: Unspoken Words

**http : / / kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com / art / Malady-Unspoken-Words-200822029**

Ratcliff again! w Getting a fluffy hug from fluffy Cloud. Lol

From Chapter Thirty-Six: Cause and Effect

**h t t p : / / kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com / art / Malady-Cause-and-Effect-200816364**

ZOMG HALF NAKED ZACK AND CLOUD! The blush on Zack's face … so hot. Lucky Cloud.

From Chapter Twenty-Four: Understanding

**h t t p : / / kitsuchi-chan. deviantart. com / art / Malady-Understand-200822893**

This has to be my favorite piece she's done for me so far. I really do love it. She captured the tender moment better than I did in the story! Lol! And omg! Cloud butt! *noms on it*

**If you have trouble accessing these pieces, they are also linked in my profile here.** You can also find them through my deviantART account, which there is a link in my profile here, as well. C: Please check them out and leave a comment for the artists if you have an account on that site! Thank you so much, Kishi and Kitsuchi! Hehehe, my K Girls. XD

Sorry about the wait for this chapter everyone. Thank you for your patience and understanding too. I just have a bit of a mental block lately, and it's probably because of the plot I have to get over in the chapters I'm writing. This one scene in 50 that was a measly 2,000 words or so took me about three weeks to write. Normally 2,000 words would take me about four hours to so to write, so that puts my writing block in some perspective for you.

So forgive me, I'm holding off until Tuesday, April 26th. I know it's a long time, but just take comfort that I will not quit and I will get over this writer's block … as soon as I get over this plot. You'll understand what I mean when the time comes.

Love you bunches!


	49. Chapter FortyNine: Grin and Bear

Chapter Forty-Nine: Grin and Bear

* * *

The sun was starting its descent, but the rich, vibrant hues that it cast across the orange sky went ignored. The calming breeze took no effect; the laughter from the children went unheeded. Yet Cloud was somehow drawn to it. He staggered into the park, his senses finally coming to him slowly as he looked around.

He didn't remember how he got there.

But it was the park that he had spent an evening at with Zack. They had stared at the stars together, holding hands on the grass in the light of the streetlamps. It was a simple evening, but one that he had enjoyed. Recalling such a night now had just made him feel worse.

Small children were running around each other, weaving in between the play equipment that were sparsely placed on the lot. The equipment wasn't the best, but the children didn't seem to mind as they squealed and darted about, clambering over the slides and using the swings to pretend that they could fly like the Shin-Ra helicopters that occasionally passed overhead.

If Cloud's lip wasn't stinging with fresh pain, he probably would have smiled a little.

The park was quite full, and it was then Cloud realized that it was Sunday, and parents and children alike swarmed the city, making the most of the end of the very late afternoon and preparing for what seemed like a lovely evening that was sure to come.

Cloud's eyes trailed over the children running about, trying to find the spot that he and Zack had shared together. He knew it was a small patch of grass by a park bench – he remembered this because he had thought it was silly to sit on the grass while there was a perfectly empty bench to relax on. But Zack had chosen the grass and tugged him down playfully to join him, rolling on top of him as he landed to hold him down if he were to protest.

But Cloud didn't … he wouldn't. Not when Zack had looked so happy to be there with him …

He spotted the bench and began to walk to it in a daze, pushing the memory of what had just happened from his mind. He wanted a moment, even if it was filled with shrieking children, to collect himself.

To his surprise, the psychologist was sitting on that bench.

She said not a word as he approached slowly, but only watched him with curious interest. He stopped in front of her, blue eyes locking together.

She gestured for him to sit down.

And he sat next to her, catching a hint of citrus and baby powder – scents he had never smelled on her before. She always was so neutral while working at Shin-Ra.

He turned to look at her to say something, _anything. _Before he could, she placed a cloth to his bleeding lip, smiling at him gently. He stared at her for a brief moment before he broke down and cried.

"Tough day?" she said, her voice almost lyrical. Or maybe it just seemed that way after everything that had happened.

"R-Ratcliff," Cloud said through a few light sobs. She continued to dab at his bottom lip which was now very swollen. "He's not himself."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Cloud let out a shuddering breath, more blood dripping onto his chin, which was immediately dabbed at in a motherly manner. "Do you know what happened to him?" Cloud asked once she paused long enough to let him speak. "You must know _something_."

"I have some answers," she said warily but continued to hold that smile. "But not all the ones that you seek."

"I need to know what happened to him. He's just … getting worse."

She lowered the cloth, folding it a few times to bring up a fresh corner. But she turned away to watch the children play in the playground instead of tending to his lip. She didn't speak for a long time, and Cloud started to fear that he had offended her by insinuating that her colleague wasn't helping Ratcliff as he should have been. Yet, the calm expression on her face made Cloud feel as though he could be open with her for once.

"Something happened on his last mission," she finally said, her voice a bit distant. "Something that wasn't supposed to, but I don't know what it was. He must have found out something that he shouldn't have there."

"In … Nibelheim?"

"That's your hometown, is it not?"

Cloud was silent, shifting uncomfortably on the bench for the first time.

"Anything strange ever happen there?"

He was still silent, but now in thought. He knew of gruesome rumors that floated through the townspeople since he was a child – since before he was even born. He had heard of urban legends and folklore about the mansion or the monsters that lurked Mt. Nibel, but that was all they were – urban legends.

"I'm not paid to learn Shin-Ra's secrets," the psychologist said. "I'm paid to learn the secrets of those unfortunate people who find out about them. They then become my secrets and Shin-Ra doesn't pay me to keep them." She gave a single, dry laugh. "There's no such thing as confidentiality there."

"But why weren't you able to keep Ratcliff as a patient? He wouldn't be so bad right now if he were in your care."

The psychologist smiled a slow, amused smile – she almost looked flattered. But it disappeared rather quickly before she spoke next. "I removed myself as Mr. Ratcliff's doctor."

"But … why?"

"He used to be a past patient of mine when he was in need of guidance after a tragic mission he was assigned."

Cloud thought long and hard for a while. He vaguely recalled Graves mentioning a time when Ratcliff had been disturbed over a mission in which he was ordered to shoot-to-kill a deserter. He never did know the exact details, he just knew that Ratcliff had been affected by it more than either Elici or Graves. He wondered if it was nearly as bad as what he was going through now.

"Wouldn't that be _more _of a reason to take him as a patient again?"

"I care about my patients," she said, her eyes trailing along the playground until stopping at the sandbox where a towheaded child, maybe around three or four, sat alone, beginning to dig in the sand with a plastic shovel. "I see to it that they get the help that they need. And if that means to bend Shin-Ra's rules to do that, then so be it."

"I don't understand … that's your job. That's what Shin-Ra hired you for. You're supposed to help people. What else do they expect you to do?"

She turned her gaze back on Cloud with such a motherly look, and she chuckled. It was a patronizing chuckle, showing that his naïvety was amusing to her, and Cloud was quick to glower.

"You're so young, Cloud. Far too young."

"I'm young, but I'm not stupid."

"Indeed, you are not."

"So can you be more straight with me?"

She looked back towards the towheaded child with a defeated, yet soft sigh. The child was still alone and continuing to dig what looked like a hole in the sand.

"When you were attacked in Kalm, I was ordered to convince you to never tell Zack what had happened. You were not supposed to be released from my care until I drilled it into your head that telling Zack what happened would be a bad idea. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie to you like that for the sake of Shin-Ra's secrets."

"Like … brainwashing?"

She said nothing, but a grimace crossed her face.

"But … why? I'm nothing to this company."

"It's because of Zack."

Cloud stammered the man's name, then out of habit bit down on his bottom lip, causing the wound to reopen and bleed once more.

"He's a precious commodity in the eyes of the company – one that Shin-Ra would not like to see follow in the footsteps of his deserting predecessors. He is nothing more than an item to this company. You all are. And," she said, then sighed again, "just like all possessions, some are unfortunately coveted more than others."

He also began to silently cry again.

"I don't see you like that," she murmured with a tender smile. "Humanity is my precious commodity."

It was suddenly strange for Cloud to be sitting on the same seat as her. Being next to her was almost as though they were equals … just two people understanding one another without the analyzing and judging that came with her job, even if she was now dabbing at the tears on his face with that cloth.

"But … that's wherein lies the problem. Differing opinions is not something that Shin-Ra handles well. That's why we were at war with Wutai for so long. It's why both you and I work for the company. It's why I'm no longer trusted."

Cloud's eyes widened a bit, but he was unable to say anything, for she pressed the cloth to his lip again when more blood began to seep.

"You weren't supposed to cross paths with Mr. Ratcliff. That's why he was being kept in the infirmary at first." She began to talk faster and quieter, as though she were afraid she would be heard by someone who wasn't meant to hear. "Who knows when he would have been released, or what they were waiting to accomplish with him before they did," she said sourly. "But I wanted to help, that's why I set up that meeting between you two at the front desk of the office … so you would know he was at least alive. And that's why I altered Dr. Bleier's report to get Mr. Ratcliff released back to the barracks shortly after. I saw how he was suffering, and I care about him too much to see him go through that again."

Now Cloud's eyes were very wide and unblinking.

"I risked a lot," she said sadly. "Please believe me when I say that I wanted to do what I could to help him … the both of you … even if I was no longer his doctor. But I was being monitored heavily since the incident in Kalm. They probably figured I didn't follow through with those orders, and they were right."

Cloud thought of Tseng lurking about the hallways. He thought of seeing Reno throughout the weeks in the hallways as well, approaching him in the sandwich shop and how the Turk seemed to know exactly what was going on. Cloud wasn't surprised to be hearing this anymore.

"I know what I signed up for when I joined this company. I knew the risk. But … knowing the risk and facing it is entirely different. I have more than just_ my_ life to worry about. So that's why I dropped Mr. Ratcliff as my patient. I'll get too involved at this point."

"It's because of me," Cloud finally said, pulling away from the cloth that she continued to hold against him. "It's because I associate with Zack that Ratcliff now suffers and why you're scared to do your job."

She shook her head, her hand lowering to her lap, and she once more turned to watch the child in the sandbox. "No, it's because … well, sometimes those you least suspect to be weak in fact are. I'm sorry, Cloud. I'll help you as much as I can, but I can only go so far."

"You've done a lot already. Thank you." And he meant it.

The children in the playground continued to squeal and run about together – all but the lone towhead. He diligently kept digging at his hole, every so often glancing up to the other children having fun together, but never joining.

"I took psychology for selfish reasons when I was younger," she suddenly said in a nostalgic voice. "I thought that if I learned how to help others, that maybe I could help myself one day. That along the way, I could find the answers to my own questions." She looked to Cloud again with a quick, yet sad smile. "Mr. Ratcliff … he's a lot like me. He's constantly searching for answers. But what the problem is, is that we sometimes don't know what the question is that we're asking ourselves."

Cloud looked away from that motherly smile, looking down at his hands which were gripping his uniform trousers tightly. Ratcliff had always seemed so strong … as did this woman. How could she claim that they were both so weak? Could one really wear such a convincing mask?

"'Am I wrong?', 'Was I wrong?'," she said, her tone now speaking passionately and of personal experience. "'Will I be wrong again?'" She reached over when she noticed blood and tears dripping from Cloud's face again, wiping them away. "'Will I be forgiven?'"

Cloud lowered his head even more.

"He's the type to dwell on his imperfections," she continued. "To self-hate and sacrifice his happiness to his own insecurities. He doesn't give a chance to forgive himself and forget. He blames himself for everything bad that may happen to himself and to those he cares about."

"We're the same," Cloud murmured, surprised to hear himself confess something so freely.

"It's common to feel that way sometimes. You're not alone."

Cloud's eyes were drawn to the child then, who was now digging with such a fury that sand was flying out behind his body in continuous trails. It made Cloud wonder what the child was possibly thinking or pretending to be so fervid over this activity. He watched the child for quite some time until he felt the psychologist's eyes back on him.

He looked to her and she squared her shoulders, then raised her bosom.

"My son," she said, her voice suddenly taking on a very proud tone that Cloud had never heard her use before.

"I-I didn't know you had a family," he muttered.

"Well, when we're together, it's not supposed to be about me, is it?" she said lightheartedly.

Cloud only offered a vague shrug as a response. But a thought occurred to him when this new information finally sank in. "Your son … He's the reason why, isn't he?"

"Yes. Like I said, I have more than my life to worry about. There would be no one to take care of him if something were to happen to me."

"I'm sorry," Cloud said, finding it hard to swallow not only the lump that was still in his throat, but all the guilt he had about her from the past. "You really did risk a lot."

"Thank you for understanding," she said sincerely.

Cloud nodded and continued to watch the child for a while, the melodious giggles of the children filling the silence between them. It was sad to watch her son as he continued to play alone, occasionally glancing at the other children with a look of longing.

"How come … he's playing alone?" Cloud asked.

"Why does any child play alone?"

Cloud knew that look well.

"He's afraid to play with the others," he muttered after another bout of silence. "He's afraid of rejection … that they won't like him if they get to know him."

The psychologist nodded, sighing sadly. "He had a bad experience once. A bully," she said, her face growing cold in expression. "Unfortunately, it takes only one time with one bully to scar a person."

Cloud expected her to glance his way, but she didn't.

"Mr. Ratcliff," she slowly said. "… I do worry about him."

Cloud peeked at her through his hair, catching a pained look on her face now.

"I wouldn't tell just anyone something so confidential, Cloud, but I think it's important that you understand something about his past … if you want to understand him now."

He said nothing; he froze in a mixture of fear and anticipation … or from anticipating fear itself.

"He's had history of certain tendencies." She was silent for an unnerving amount of time before she spoke again, this time very clearly, as though finding no point in speaking cryptically any longer. "He has tried to take his own life."

"Suici –" He got stuck on his own voice and couldn't finish – he _wouldn't _finish.

"It's hard to believe," she said gently, "but he's very good at absorbing personal tragedy and holding it all in until it overflows. For some individuals, that's the only outlet they see."

Somehow, he was able to ask, despite that fear of her answer. "Did he ever ... _t-try_ …?"

She looked at Cloud directly, but said nothing.

He could no longer look at her and felt a surge of hurtful anger rise up in him. It wasn't directed at her, and he would have liked to have thought that it wasn't towards Ratcliff either, but that – he wasn't so sure. And now confusion swirled with that anger, leaving him with a burning question somewhere in the jumbled mess of his thoughts.

"His friends," she continued, "Mr. Elici and Mr. Graves … they helped me watch over him while he was going through all that. They were my little birdies. And at times, they were the only method that seemed to help him."

He weighed this for a while and came to an impasse.

"But … what do _I_ do?" he murmured, more to himself than to her.

"I had a hard time finding the answer to that very question when my husband took his own life a few years ago," she murmured, more to herself than to him.

He hung his head again, speechless and feeling thoughtless.

Her son slowed his digging as he began to look rather tired. But he had dug the hole fairly deep, for whatever reason a child would have to dig such a thing, yet he still looked unhappy over it.

"If you were in Ratcliff's shoes, what do you think you would need most?" she asked him, their gaze meeting slowly. With the children laughing around them, Cloud suddenly felt as though they were the only two people in the entire city that felt so out of place, and so very, very lost.

"I'd need …" He trailed off, watching as her eyes remained on his, imploring him to answer honestly, begging him to choose the right answer for the both of them … an answer that seemed so simple and weak to a question that was so staggering in comparison.

They paused as their attention turned to her son when another little boy broke off from a group that galloped by, laughing and squealing. He stopped, staring at the towhead through his own dark head of hair with genuine curiosity. Without much hesitation, he waddled over to her son, clambering over a mound of sand that surrounded him, slipping on a bit of it when he reached the top. He slid down with a giggle, nearly toppling over the towhead as he reached the bottom of the hole that had been dug. There were no words that were exchanged, only smiles – one bright, the other apprehensive.

Right then, Cloud thought of everyone that he had ever loved, and of everyone that had ever loved him. He thought of his mother, his father. He thought of Elici, he thought of Graves, and of Ratcliff …

The dark-haired boy thrust out his hand, silently asking for the shovel, which the towhead eventually relinquished with much distress on his face. Cloud and the psychologist watched in silence as the dark-haired boy sat with the towhead, and together they started to build a sandcastle in the center of that hole.

… and he thought of Zack.

"I'd need someone to be there for me," Cloud finally said.

"Simple enough, isn't it?" she said sweetly, if not a little sadly as she continued to watch the children.

"Yeah … I guess …"

But … was it really? It had been before with Elici and Graves. _They _had been enough … but with them gone, would _Cloud _be enough?

"Are you okay?"

Cloud suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, sending a massive shiver through his body that he didn't realize he had been holding in.

He also didn't realize he had been holding his head, hunched over his knees, the sight of the ground being masked with pain and whiteness in his vision. He began to slowly sit up, blinking the whiteness away.

"Yeah … I guess …" he muttered.

"You're not okay," she said harshly. Her hands were now on his face, and her cold skin seemed to burn against his cheeks.

"I am. Ratcliff … he just clocked me hard, that's all."

"That doesn't explain why I had been talking to you for five minutes without a response."

Five minutes …?

Cloud looked at the sandcastle that the children had only just started to build. It was significantly larger now.

"I just … haven't been sleeping all that well. Headaches … a lot," he mumbled. "Ratcliff said I probably have some sort of concussion syndrome."

The psychologist seemed to contemplate this for a moment, then slowly lowered her hands from his face. "That is possible. PCS would explain the headaches and the sleeping problems. I would say post-traumatic stress disorder and depression as well."

"Haven't … been sleeping," he mumbled again.

She gave him an odd look and searched his face. It made him uncomfortable when he made eye contact with her and he quickly looked away.

"You said that already," she said slowly.

"I-I know," he lied.

"Cloud, I highly suggest you go to the infirmary. And you really should come see me again. I was quick to release you from my care."

"No!"

She recoiled, shocked at his outburst.

Cloud calmed himself, rubbing his temples as he waited for the sudden strike of pain in his head to subside. "Please … no. After hearing all this … I just don't want to."

She stared at him for a while, any motherly look gone and replaced with sternness. "I understand. But it'll come down to you not having a choice soon if you keep neglecting your health."

"I'm fine, really."

She continued that stern expression, discrediting everything he thought or claimed with that single look.

"I'm not going," he said with finality.

"Very well," she said, defeated and looking none too pleased about it. She returned to staring at the children playing in the sandbox, every now and then smiling a little when her son giggled or let out an excited shriek – the first Cloud had heard from the child since he had arrived there.

Eventually she turned back to him, a look on her face suggesting that whatever she was about to say was something that she had wanted to say to him for a while. "Perhaps … both you and Mr. Ratcliff would do well by surrounding yourself with those who care. Even the support of a single friend can be enough to pull you up."

His eyes fixated on the two children, but he said nothing.

"How're things going with Mr. Fair?"

Cloud shrugged sadly.

"Everything okay?"

He now shook his head, careful not to shake it too hard in fear that the tears that brimmed in his eyes would spill over again.

"You know, Cloud," she said compassionately, her hand once more on his shoulder, that motherly smile back on her face and being the reason why his tears finally spilled. "Zack really loves you."

"I know," Cloud said, suddenly letting out a sob, finding himself unable to control it any longer.

The two children were clamoring with great excitement over the little details they were placing on their sandcastle now, their young voices traveling over to Cloud and the psychologist easily. They sat and listened to every word, every giggle and every momentary disagreement they would share until they began to laugh again.

Cloud wiped at his eyes quickly, then steadied his voice.

"... I know he does."

* * *

Cloud stayed until the sunset with the enchanting sound of the children at play was but a memory. He found that he was unable to move from that bench, even when everyone else had cleared out. The psychologist was kind to stay for as long as she could, encouraging her child to nap on her lap as she continued to talk with Cloud. Her son had put up a bit of a fuss, but after nibbling on a sliced orange – that scent of citrus he had caught on her earlier – he gladly curled up on the bench between them and fell asleep with his thumb in his mouth. Cloud didn't mind much when the child had stretched out and used his lap as an ottoman.

There were more questions burning in his mind than time would allow to ask. It seemed as though he would have to schedule an appointment with her just to have another chance to speak with her about everything, but he knew that that would be risking a lot for the both of them under Shin-Ra's watchful gaze. She seemed to understand this, and so she offered that this be the bench on which they could freely talk with each other, should he have a need to talk. She informed him that she visited that park every Sunday with her son, but it would be wise not to make a habit of it. Surely Shin-Ra would catch wind of any secret meeting they might have if the company was watching them both like how they both were suspecting.

So as the sun set and her son slept, Cloud decided to ask the two heaviest questions that had been on his mind. He had thought of many, but he knew that these would do for now; he was afraid that he had already asked too much.

He thought of asking her why her husband had killed himself, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Maybe she would share her story with him and maybe it would provide him with some sort of understanding of Ratcliff's behavior, but he feared that it would cross a very thin line, especially when her son was now awake and listening to their conversation with childlike curiosity.

He thought of asking her what exactly happened with the first mission when Ratcliff had been ordered to shoot-to-kill. Was it possibly linked to Graves? Or was it just a horrible coincidence? Could Cloud have been looking too much into this with heavy paranoia, and perhaps Ratcliff was only just relapsing from his old torment?

He even thought of asking her how she possibly knew that Zack loved him.

But what he chose to ask had been two easy questions, yet he knew that the answers would be difficult to accept.

"Why isn't Bleier doing anything to help Ratcliff?"

She had taken her time in responding, her hand ceasing in its movement on her child's head for a brief moment before it resumed again. Perhaps it was because the lack of people and activity around made her feel very exposed to those whom might be lurking, or maybe there just wasn't another way to put it, but as Cloud had surmised, her answer was vague, yet somehow pointed.

"Sometimes the ideal way to fix a problem is to have the problem fix itself."

Cloud suddenly found that his second question had been much easier to ask with that answer.

"Is hypnosis really a common practice?"

She had definitely taken her time to answer that question, and even had scooped up her child and her purse before speaking – again just as vaguely, yet meaningfully.

"Like any weapon, materia or _possession, _the power of suggestion could easily be used for good as it could for evil."

And she readjusted her hold on her son, bid Cloud goodnight and then left while glancing around at her surroundings with caution.

Cloud had looked around as well, peering into the shadows where the streetlamps couldn't reach. Now that he was alone and surrounded by silence, that paranoia began to set in.

The company was watching everyone he was in contact with; the company was watching _him_. And he could only imagine for how long they had been doing it, and even how much.

He was left with a feeling of complete loss and facing an even bigger impasse than before. How easy it would be to distance himself – more than he already was – from these people. How easy it would be to run away and ignore them … to sever any fraying tie with them and set them free from Shin-Ra's eye. The problem would have _fixed itself._

And yet … it easily was just as naïve and downright _childish_. Stupid … so utterly, utterly stupid.

To think that Shin-Ra would toss in the towel because Cloud simply walked away … he should have been condemned for even considering that after everything he had learned. They would never relinquish their fight; there would always be some sort of monitoring since Shin-Ra never seemed to take any chances. It was all a laughable thought, and even through the burden he was feeling he heard himself scoff a single, dry sound that could have possibly been a laugh.

After a while, Cloud heard a soft, electronic beep nearby that caused him to start with fright. His heart was racing long after he realized that the sound had only been his own wristwatch changing over to the new hour. It was hard to comprehend how long he had been sitting there for, even with the watch. Time just seemed to both drag by and speed past.

It was going to be lights-out soon, and the more he idly sat, the less of a purpose he had there. Yet, he still couldn't bring himself to head back to the building; he didn't want to face Ratcliff … and especially Zack. He knew that both would be inevitable, however.

On his way back to Shin-Ra, he weighed new questions in his mind. If the company was watching him, did they now know that he was aware that they were doing so? The more he reflected, the more he realized how painfully obvious it had been at times. He recalled countless instances when he had seen the redheaded Turk in the hallways, but Cloud had always assumed he was on the lookout for potential SOLDIERs. Even Zack had seemed wary of the Turk, which Cloud had overlooked the warning signs at the time. He remembered how Zack would spot the Turk and grow cold, if even for a moment, and suddenly Zack would whisk Cloud down another hallway or rush inside the elevator as though avoiding someone.

Which meant that Zack somehow knew they were being watched for some purpose. That alone raised more questions in his mind than he could handle, and he had to force himself to stop dwelling on it due to the headache that began to throb once more.

He made it back to the building, a distinctive smell of sterility overwhelming the crisp, night air he had been breathing. It was such an empty smell, lack of any notes or flavors in the air throughout the lobby and offices. It was like a building devoid of personality … of life – all the more reminding Cloud of how heartless Shin-Ra seemed to him now. Only around the medical facilities, mess hall, and barracks did the air in the building hold any sort of character.

The elevator and hallways were beginning to thin of employee traffic, but became a bit heavier near the living quarters as the men who resided in the building at night made their way to their respective barrack. That sterile, neutral smell of the lobby was gone now, replaced with the cigarette smoke that often lingered around the outside of his barrack, but was significantly lessened now that Graves was gone and no longer used the area to smoke. It nearly made him sad to think about, but as he rounded the corner and his eyes trailed to the area where Mejia had defiled him – the area that Ratcliff had just struck him – nothing but resentment filled him.

And pacing about in front of that area was Ratcliff himself. It was obvious that he had been waiting for Cloud, for he looked up immediately and a face that was so pained began to relax, if only a little.

"Cloud!" Ratcliff cried, rushing forward to meet Cloud before he could dart into the barrack in avoidance. "I'm sorry about earlier, yeah?" He looked very distraught with eyes showing evidence of shamed tears.

Cloud was unable to say anything at first, as he was suddenly reminded of what he had learned about the man today and any lingering anger for him was quickly drained away. He studied Ratcliff's face, trying to see past that warm smile that Cloud always imagined him to wear whenever he was frowning like this, to the man truly beneath … but it was so very hard.

And even after studying him for that moment, he still couldn't think of what to say.

But Ratcliff continued to speak, closing the gap between them warily. "I just … worry about you, yeah. Y-you weren't listening to me. You need to listen to me, yeah?"

"I know," Cloud murmured, his voice coming out hoarse. "But I need those pills, Ratcliff. You even said yourself that I should take them." He caught a slight twitch in Ratcliff's face as he said that. "So can I have them back?"

"No. I threw them away."

Right then Cloud affirmed in his mind that he would stay calm, despite every instinct in his body telling him otherwise. The pills suddenly seemed the least of his concerns now in comparison.

"T-that's okay," Cloud said slowly, perhaps more to himself. "That's fine. I'm just glad to see that you're more calm now."

There was an awkward pause, one most likely spent reflecting on what had happened. A remorseful expression took over Ratcliff's face, and Cloud felt himself grimacing instead of smiling the encouraging smile he tried to form.

"Did I hurt you bad?" Ratcliff took a step forward, his hand suddenly reaching up and brushing across Cloud's swollen lip. "I just … I don't know what came over me, yeah."

Cloud's grimace grew and he tried to pull away from Ratcliff's hand. "I'm fine," he said, his voice becoming a bit more serious. "It's not bad. I don't think I need stitches like I did last time."

"Let me see," Ratcliff murmured, both his hands now on Cloud's face, holding him steady. Cloud allowed the man to look over his lip, his fingertips gently moving across them, perhaps trying to brush some of the dried blood away. They then moved to his cheek, pressing a little bit and causing Cloud to wince – he wasn't even aware that there was a bruise there from Ratcliff's strike.

"Here too," he murmured again as he pressed the bruise lightly, sorrow laced in his voice. "I'm so sorry, yeah?"

"S-stop, it's nothing to worry about," Cloud said, taking a step back as Ratcliff took another step into him. He was starting to feel anxious again the more those hands searched, and his eyes darted away from Ratcliff's when he saw them lock onto his mouth. "I had worse as a kid, so no worries."

"But it was never caused by someone who cared about you, yeah …"

Cloud quickly pulled away, but Ratcliff's hands were back on him; his body once more pressing against him.

"Hold still."

"P-Please, Ratcliff, can you back up just a bit?" Cloud asked weakly, his shoulders starting to pitch with each anxious breath. "I'm really not comfo–"

Ratcliff looked lost as he studied Cloud's lips, his eyes half-lidded and his own mouth parted. "It's worse than it seems," he whispered, seemingly unaware that Cloud was pinned against the wall and panicking.

Whether there was double meaning behind such a statement, Cloud was unsure. He was now sucking in frantic breaths in panic to be able to put any thought into it; he couldn't clear his head of his own haunted thoughts as Ratcliff drew nearer.

"So much worse."

"Hey!"

Both Cloud and Ratcliff froze at the voice, and slowly they turned their heads in tandem to a sight that made Ratcliff begin to tremble and Cloud nearly lose consciousness.

It was Zack.

The SOLDIER was standing in the center of the hallway, staring on – wide-eyed, _furious_.

"The hell is going on!"

Before either could attempt to explain, he had already reached them, teeth barred and muscles rigid. He grabbed Ratcliff by the muffler of his uniform and yanked him back, ripping him from Cloud.

"I had a feeling something happened between you two with how you both have been acting! I guess I should've expected something like _this!_" Zack shouted, shoving Ratcliff against the double doors of the barrack, causing them to shudder in their frames. "Your behavior lately said it all and I was blind to it!"

"Z-Zack," Cloud murmured, shaking so violently that his vision was wavering. This couldn't have been happening …

Ratcliff scrambled from the doors right as Zack thrust out his fist to grab him again. "N-No!" he cried, slipping on legs that were clearly trying to flee. "It's not like that–"

But Zack had turned away, rounding on Cloud now. His mako eyes flared with vivid anger, only flickering for a moment when he saw Cloud's injuries. "What happened to your face?"

Cloud couldn't answer. He only stood there and shook his head as tears streamed from his eyes.

"What happened to his face!" Zack shouted again, having turned back to Ratcliff and pointing directly at Cloud at the same time. "Did you do this to him!"

A look of pure fear was consuming Ratcliff's entire composure. Zack didn't need an answer.

"What the fuck were you trying to do to him!"

Cloud looked to Ratcliff in disbelief. Was that really what was about to happen …?

Ratcliff paled, sweat beading and rolling down his face. "N-nothing, Zack! It was nothing!"

"It was _nothing_?" Zack bellowed. "Sure as hell looked like it was gonna be _something _if I didn't show up!"

Cloud found himself trying to speak, but no words came out. He glanced between the two helplessly.

Now Ratcliff was silent and quaking. He swallowed hard, audibly.

When no explanation came and thinning patience disappeared, Zack hoisted Ratcliff close again. "Cloud's been through too much for shit like this!" His arms were visibly trembling from ire; Cloud had never seen him so livid. "We're supposed to be caring for him, not hurting him!"

Ratcliff squared his jaw, seeming to muster forth a hidden bravery from somewhere deep within him. "You don't seem to be helping him much," he said slowly, almost tauntingly. "Where have you been the last few weeks? Or do you only come around when you want _it_?"

"You don't know our business," Zack said lowly, so low that it took Cloud a moment to decipher what he had said; it sounded much like a growl.

"Trust me, I know that type of_ business _well enough, yeah_._"

Zack pulled Ratcliff close, noses only an inch apart. "I suggest you stop talking."

"It was the same business as _him,_" Ratcliff said, his voice soft yet surprisingly strong. "All SOLDIER are the same – taking advantage of someone when they know they're weak, yeah."

"The hell do you mean by that?" Zack said, pulling away a little, his face turning from anger to perplexity.

"Y-You're no different than Mejia."

Zack stopped cold. His hands released Ratcliff immediately.

"And," Ratcliff muttered, backing away and nearly tripping over himself. "I'm no different."

Zack stood eerily still as Ratcliff ran off down the hallway.

It wasn't long until the sound of Cloud's hysterical and gulping breaths caught Zack's attention. He turned, those infuriated eyes settling but still holding sharp. And they stayed that way, even when he saw how Cloud was shaking; how his eyes were wide open in horror over what had occurred.

"Baby," Zack said, his voice barely above a raspy murmur. "Let me see your face." He rushed over when Cloud's knees began to wobble. He outstretched his arm, hand raising towards Cloud's wounded and trembling lip. "Look at me."

His hand was quickly smacked away, the sound echoing in the now quieted hallway. Cloud glared up at him with his own vivid eyes.

"Been through too much, huh?"

Zack took a single step back, bringing his hand to his body in shock.

"I knew it was pity," Cloud whispered, his voice breaking with every word, breaking with his strength, his trust …

… breaking with Zack's heart.

"That's all it ever was."

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Fifty: Overturned.

Ending Author's Note: I wrote the opening to this chapter while listening to B-52's' "Rock Lobster". How the HELL was I able to concentrate?

Erm, yeah. I love this chapter. One of my personal favorites. You all probably hate it though. XD I won't blame you …

… Or will I …?

A few notes:

Towhead is a term for someone with extremely blond hair, almost white. Most blond children are considered towheads (pronounced like toe head) and as they get older, their hair tends to turn darker. Cloud was probably a towhead when he was a baby … nnggh so cute.

Also, the mission that the psychologist mentioned that Ratcliff went on was mentioned a really, really long time ago. Think back to chapter thirty-one. Graves' inner musing mentioned Ratcliff coming back from a mission where he was ordered to kill a deserter and was all loopy afterwards. Lol long-ago foreshadowing. There's quite a lot of that in this story. But yeah, that's what the psychologist was referring to at the middle of this chapter. She was his doctor at the time. And whooooa she was married! Random fact is random …

… Or is it? O3O

SO! With the next chapter I'm planning on releasing random tidbits of information about this story. Like, how many words and pages it is, how many hours I've spent working on it, how many personal maladies I've suffered while writing "Malady" … just interesting statistics that I think a few of you might enjoy reading since you've stuck with me for so long so far. So if you have a specific question you'd like answered about "Malady", feel free to ask and I shall answer them in my next author's note (so long as they are somewhat appropriate and don't reveal any plot)! Don't be shy.

Next chapter will be Tuesday, May 31st. I knooooow don't cry … another month. But I'm almost over that plot hill that's been slowing me down that I mentioned previously. Thank you for your patience as I trudge on. :3

**Edit 05-30-11:**

Malady fan-art! Whoo! For this chapter too! It's from a friend on deviantART named BeforeTheMomentGirl! Check it out! (Remove the spaces between the address):

h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. deviantart. com / art / Malady-Fanart-Ch-49-210736436

It's so pretty...I just love the colors she used in Cloud's skin and the background and stuff. = w = Thank you, MomentGirl!


	50. Chapter Fifty: Overturned

Chapter Fifty: Overturned

* * *

"Are you cold?"

"N-no."

"You are trembling. We cannot start unless you are relaxed."

"O-okay."

"I need you to relax."

"I-I am."

There was a pause.

"Please, take this."

A little pill was offered in a plastic medicine cup. A cup of water followed that, then an intense stare was not far behind when he hesitated in taking it.

"Make sure you swallow it."

He shuddered and obeyed.

A few minutes passed, maybe longer. Somehow the trembling stopped, but maybe it had been the pill finally taking effect. Dr. Bleier spoke again.

"Very good."

But it didn't feel good.

"I think I shall have you lie down for this session."

"I-I'd be more comfortable sitting, yeah."

There was another pause.

"Please, do what you feel will make you most comfortable."

Running from that office would have. But that wasn't an option. It was never an option.

The lights were dimmed. He hated that. He knew what that meant.

"You will remember everything that I say during our session. Do not worry."

Dr. Bleier said that every single time. He wondered if it were true. Hours to sometimes days after their sessions his mind would be struck with forceful thoughts and remarkable ideas. Some were appealing, and all were frightening.

"Close your eyes."

He did. And he hated that he did.

"Very good. Let us revisit that serene place we talked about last time. Do you remember?

"Yes."

"Very good. Now, I want you to relax," he said, voice now calming. "Relax your hands for me."

He did, but slowly.

"Very good. Just relax your feet, and then your legs."

He did; his legs went slack, only twitching once as though knowing what was about to happen and trying to protest it.

"Very good. Feel your hips relaxing, and then your waist …"

Dr. Bleier's voice was awfully soothing now. Maybe this time wouldn't be so bad.

"Your shoulders are relaxing now, yes, very good. And now your neck is relaxing …"

His shoulders sank. His head began to nod as Dr. Bleier's voice seemed to flow over him.

"Very good. Now you can feel your body relaxing all over."

His breathing slowed, his head slumped forward.

"As I continue to talk, that feeling will get stronger, relaxing you until you are in a deep and peaceful state of hypnosis. Each word I say is pulling you deeper into that state … deeper and deeper. As I talk, that relaxed feeling is getting stronger and stronger, taking you deep into that peaceful state …"

His voice started washing over him like continuous waves at night against a shore, lapping at a steady and rhythmic pace.

"The deeper you go, the deeper you'll want to go. The deeper you want to go, the deeper into that peaceful state you'll go. Go down, deep down. Go down … deep down."

He soon could feel his mind slipping into a subdued state, only aware of what was being said and the upright position he was sitting in on the couch …

"Very good, indeed."

… and nothing more.

"You are now deep in that peaceful state of hypnosis, only able to return when I pull you back. Do you understand?"

"Yes," Ratcliff murmured.

"Now, deep down in that peaceful state is a serene place. Imagine yourself there in a charming town surrounded by rolling hills and green trees. There is a mountain breeze that is calming; the moon is bright above you. This town that you are in is so humble that there is no need for concrete roads … no, everything is rustic and simple. Do you see it?"

He saw it – a town at night with dirt roads tucked beneath mismatched, rural houses where each were nestled closely together. There were trees surrounding the little town, and the breeze … it felt real. But the town hardly looked charming. The breeze was hardly calming.

"There is an inn and wonderful shops by the entrance. Yes, very wonderful, indeed. And each one of those buildings is facing the center of the town where you stand, welcoming you …"

He hardly felt welcomed. He felt trapped – horribly trapped. He remembered this feeling from their previous session. He tried to remember why.

"And as you stand there, you look past the town and you see a glorious mountain. Yes, let us visit that mountain. As you head past those houses, each window basks you in a warm light from inside. Basking and calming … very calming. There are aromas of fires burning in their chimneys and supper in the air, you can smell it so vividly."

Ratcliff said nothing. The only _aroma _he could smell was mako.

"You are traveling up that mountain now. Crickets are buzzing, alight with nocturnal excitement in the bushes and trees …"

All he saw were boulders and decaying trees that had long been sapped of life. There were no crickets, only the haunting breeze and sounds of scurrying in the darkness. He didn't want to go up that mountain. He wanted to run down it and leave. He wanted the man who was speaking these things to stop. What was so important about this damn town and mountain anyway?

"When we get to the top of the mountain, I want you to tell me what you see. But we are not there yet … no, not yet. You are now climbing higher and higher, crossing strong bridges that are undisturbed in the wind of the upper mountain, trekking so high that you can now see that charming town below. You are almost to the top now, that feeling of deep peace you are in washing away any fatigue you may have felt along the climb."

No … he felt tired. Very, very tired. There was no peace deep within him; there was nothing but churning turmoil beginning to surface as he further climbed that mountain that Dr. Bleier was laying out for him.

"Now, coming into your view is the top of the mountain. The long trek is over. Your feet do not ache, your knees are free of pressure, your shoulders are light. You are calm and relaxed. What do you see?"

Ratcliff stared at a familiar structure on a familiar mountain, under a familiar moon over a familiar town – all things he would rather soon forget than revisit. The structure was neither massive or grand, nor was it representing any sort of _serene _or _calming _emotion that Dr. Bleier was suggesting he should be feeling.

It was a structure of unimaginable depravity.

"What do you see?" Dr. Bleier said again.

Ratcliff felt himself beginning to answer despite every remaining ounce of will he had left to not say it.

"A reactor."

Dr. Bleier made a noise of interest. His voice reflected this interest. "A mako reactor?"

"Yes," Ratcliff whispered.

"Very good."

It was a mako reactor; the very same atop Mt. Nibel. The very same that imprisoned not only dozens of mutated humans, but also Graves. Casey Graves … his friend … his friend that had died by his hand because he was too weak to stop him from leaving and too weak to save him.

"Let us go inside, and tell me what you see."

Panic began to fill him as his body traitorously moved to Dr. Bleier's words. He found himself walking up those cold, metal steps. He found himself slipping through that heavy metal door and into the bleak darkness of the reactor. The air reeked of processed mako, churning his stomach with each breath he took, reminding him of the monstrosities that lay dormant before him. Each pod was there exactly as he remembered. Ominous and symbolically they stood like tombstones in those rows, dim and greenish lights shining through each of the windows, casting haunting shadows across Ratcliff's form.

He wanted to run. He wanted to turn and never look back again. He just wanted this to end. To relive this over and over again … it was pure torture.

"You are relaxed," he heard Dr. Bleier say, perhaps in more of a commanding tone now than before. "Tell me, what do you see?"

He saw himself walking up those steps. He saw his hand on the glass of the pod, staring at the face of a monster. He saw himself panic and cry. He saw his friend die in his arms.

No more. He couldn't take it.

He could still hear himself screaming at Graves; he could still hear himself sobbing and begging. But through that, Dr. Bleier began to speak to him rapidly, tonelessly, instructing him of something that he couldn't quite understand at first through the rush of hysteria.

"You can end it."

He was trying. He clawed his way out, heart racing and sweat clinging to every inch of his skin.

"You have the power to end it."

He felt himself coming back as Dr. Bleier continued to speak, but the haunting memory was still with him. It was clutching on and trying to hold him there with the other grotesque beings who already had their souls stripped away by Shin-Ra. If he couldn't leave right now, would he last there? Forever trapped between an unforgiving memory and its demented reality?

"You are coming back now. As you come back," Dr. Bleier said, his voice clearer than before, "you will remember what you saw. As you come back you will tell me what you saw."

He finally forced open his eyes – bleary, hazed.

Dr. Bleier sat before him back in his office, his face chiseled in what could have been displeasure. His cold eyes burned into Ratcliff's for a moment, then moved down his body.

Ratcliff looked down at himself too, seeing his fingers gripping his uniform trousers with knuckles blanched. The muffler around his neck was damp with sweat; the skin on his face soaked as well, possibly with tears.

His chest hurt. His head hurt.

… Would he last here?

"The hypnosis has ended prematurely. Far too prematurely."

Ratcliff peeled a hand away from his trousers, brought it to his hair and ran it through in utter exhaustion.

"Now … tell me what you saw."

He felt probed and prodded; forcefully thrust into his secret and demanded that it be revealed. There was still the feeling of his mind being in that subdued state, so any second he could take to collect himself would work in his favor. His tongue itched to move and his lips burned to speak, but somewhere in his muddled subconscious he knew not to give into those urges that Dr. Bleier was feeding to him.

"I-I don't … feel so hot, yeah," he murmured.

"You will feel better when you tell me what you saw inside that reactor."

He tried to gain his bearings and he tried to focus his wavering mind on anything that he could to keep his consciousness with him. This man's voice … how it lulled him. How he hated it.

He could only think to lie down on the couch, partially feigning ailment to buy a little time before he had to give an answer. Dr. Bleier shifted impatiently in his chair.

"I need you to sit up for me, please. We are not completely done with our session."

"You said I could do whatever made me feel more comfortable, yeah."

Dr. Bleier was silent, save for a short rustling of papers in Ratcliff's file.

"C-Can I leave now, yeah?" Ratcliff asked weakly, already knowing the answer to this.

"I need you to tell me what you saw."

"I-I saw … exactly what you told me to see. I felt exactly how you told me to feel."

"You were not exhibiting behaviors of which I was describing to you. This leads me to believe that we have tapped into some memory that is troubling you."

"N-nothing is troubling me."

"If nothing is troubling you, then describing what you saw inside that reactor should not be a problem."

"I don't know what I saw because I don't know what the inside of a mako reactor looks like. Infantry is not exactly cleared to go inside."

Dr. Bleier was silent again, this time scribbling something down in the file.

Ratcliff relaxed, if only a little. That seemed to have shut the man up about it.

After some time of silence, Ratcliff managed to struggle into a sitting position, his body having protested the movement greatly. He watched Dr. Bleier out of the corner of his eye continue to scribble furiously in the file. It was unnerving. What was more unnerving was that their hour-long session had passed already, and it had only felt like five minutes to him.

"We got further than we have today than our previous sessions," Dr. Bleier finally said, shutting the file and setting it neatly in his lap. "I do believe that the next session we can get even further."

"U-Um … c-can there … not be a next session, yeah?"

"It is either that or corrective custody."

A little timer on Dr. Bleier's desk chimed, signaling the end of their session, and Ratcliff nearly jumped to his feet. His whole body shook as he moved, both from what he had just endured and from the devastation of the answer he just received.

He staggered to the door, barely finding the ability to grasp the doorknob through a swarm of emotions swelling inside.

Unforgiving memory or not, he was still trapped in its demented reality.

"See you this Friday, Mr. Ratcliff."

* * *

The cold air conditioner nor the mundane muzak could deter Cloud from listening in. The air was easy to deal with. It was only a simple push of the button on the thermostat. The music proved to be a bit harder, but that was only because he had to drag a chair over to the overhead speaker in the center of the office to be able to reach the volume knob.

The psychologist had been even more of a challenge, but after Cloud had implored her to help – he didn't explain _what_ had happened, only that something _did_ and that he needed her help – she eventually gave in. Although she made her displeasure quite apparent with a constant soundtrack of sighing and tutting. Even more consistent were her facial expressions over Cloud's antics. A firm frown, tumbling eyes when he would strain his legs to reach as far as he could to the air vent with his ears while standing on the couch, even rubbing her forehead in irritation when those strained legs would wobble and nearly send him crashing to the floor.

"Don't expect me to treat your injuries if you fall," she had said warningly. And yet, any time he would let out a surprised curse if he were to feel as though he were to fall, she would shoot up from her chair and rush over to help steady him.

She eventually gave up and reiterated her statement when he would not relent, and then busied herself in the storage room attached to her office while he ignored her and continued. He could tell she was listening for the inevitable crash, as her busywork would pause and he would see her peek around the corner at him every now and then while he listened to Dr. Bleier and Ratcliff in the next room over.

He had come about twice a week for the past three weeks to try listening in under the guise of receiving actual sessions from the psychologist. She gave him an ultimatum – one fake session a week in which he could try and listen in, for a real session in which she could resume her professional evaluations of him. But when Cloud refused, she gave in anyway. She was probably under the assumption that Cloud would attempt to find out what was going on with Ratcliff on his own by using different and more dangerous means, which she was right to assume. So as much as the company had been watching them, this seemed to be the safest way to go about their eavesdropping, and so she eventually allowed it. Given Cloud's previous history, they hoped that it would seem less suspicious using scheduled appointments as their cover.

There were still several conditions made. Their sessions would be canceled immediately if Shin-Ra showed any signs of arising suspicion, and each session would be conducted during overlapping times to Ratcliff's appointments. They could _never _be at the exact same time.

Cloud, of course, agreed.

The first _session_ mainly consisted of Cloud looking about her office for any signs of recording devices or hidden cameras, per Kunsel's suggestion. Picture frames were inspected closely, potted plants were rifled through, books in her bookcases were opened and shuffled around. Cloud even overturned the cushions on the couch, and that beaded pillow he grew that strange affinity for had been no exception.

Everything seemed normal. Perhaps Shin-Ra still had a bit of trust left in the psychologist, but this still was unnerving to Cloud. However, after an hour of turning the place inside out, Cloud had been forced to feel satisfied that her office was not bugged.

The second session wasn't very successful in finding anything out, but that was not to say that it was uneventful. Cloud only had about twenty minutes of their appointments overlapping, and most of that was just listening to Dr. Bleier murmuring steadily. But after a while, Cloud heard what sounded like Ratcliff becoming hysterical, and then the door to the office shutting hard. Cloud had become so excited that he had to wait several minutes to follow him as to not look so anxious as he left afterwards. By the time he managed to school his emotions, Ratcliff had already left and fled somewhere else in the building before he could catch up and confront him.

Cloud didn't see him until later on that night well after lights-out when the man came stumbling into the barracks very much drunk and very much a shaking mess. Any attempt that Cloud made to try and talk with him about not only his wellbeing, but also what had happened in the hallway weeks earlier, went ignored.

In fact, Cloud had been completely ignored by Ratcliff since the incident. Any attempt he made to initiate a conversation was blatantly rejected. At times Cloud was almost thankful that Ratcliff was doing this, as he honestly didn't know what to say or do once Ratcliff finally permitted them to talk. Yet when the psychologist had advised to 'just be there for him', it made any effort seem so pointless when Ratcliff wouldn't allow him to do just that. But Cloud refused to give up, and he refused to stop caring or to be the one to ignore his obvious distress. When Ratcliff continued to become more jittery and withdrawn, turning his back on his friend seemed impossible. And Cloud could tell a lot of the avoidance was done out of shame – there was no mistaking it as Cloud was doing exactly the same thing to Zack.

He had passed by the SOLDIER a few times in the halls, each time Zack looking as though he wanted to approach but never did. And even Cloud found himself about to walk over to him or even visit him in his quarters … but he never did. Cloud had even spent an entire hour in the gym with him one day, but only a painful moment did they spend making eye contact. And that single moment was enough to convey unfathomable hurt and confusion between them.

Yet no effort was made to ease that hurt, or to explain that confusion as the weeks went by. They only went on their separate ways.

They tried not to look back, but they did. And it only hurt more.

Cloud's initial scorn had lifted mostly, only occasional flares of anger rising in him when he would replay Zack's actions and words in his head from that night. He tried not to, and maybe he just wanted to forgive Zack, but it was hard when he felt so betrayed.

Zack had felt betrayed as well; it was obvious what it had _looked _like between Ratcliff and Cloud, and even though Cloud knew that that was not what had honestly happened, he still felt somehow guilty, like they had actually kissed and that he had _cheated_ on Zack. Perhaps he had felt guilty that he was powerless to stop any of it from happening in the first place. And deep in his mind, Cloud wondered how Zack would react now if he were to find out about what happened in Kalm. Maybe now he would think that what happened with Mejia had actually been _consensual_ all along.

"Mr. Strife, you'll be the death of me."

Steady and firm hands were on his hips; he hadn't realized that his legs were not only wobbling, but the whole couch was rocking beneath his feet. He looked down and saw the psychologist standing beside the couch and holding onto him with a smirk on her face. She tightened her grip when he lowered down from his tiptoes.

"I come to work to get _away_ from a stubborn boy who doesn't listen to me. Now I have another to deal with," she said lightheartedly. "Will you please just give it a rest? You've been at this for twenty minutes. You're working up a sweat, you realize."

He hadn't. He wiped at his forehead, which was indeed damp.

"Sit." She gestured to the cushions beneath his socked feet. She had made him remove his boots before he was allowed to step up there, probably having spotted his footprints from the first time he had done this when she had left him alone in her office.

"Just a little longer," he mumbled, jerking a bit as the cushions moved beneath his legs.

"Were you even listening to them in the past few minutes? You looked as though you were spacing out. You were muttering to yourself."

Had he? He frowned at this.

Her smirk was gone, a concerned look on her face now. "You didn't realize you were doing that?"

He looked back up to the air vent, saying nothing.

"Get down. Now."

He ignored her.

She tutted at him for the umpteenth time that session and left him be, sitting back down at her desk with an exasperated sigh.

He was thankful that that was the last noise she made, as he began to hear Dr. Bleier talking again.

But he found that he had a hard time listening in, partly because Dr. Bleier was talking in a much more hushed tone now, and partly because his mind began to dart through his thoughts rapidly again, like flipping through an uninteresting magazine.

It wasn't as though he were uninterested in what was going on – it was far from that. He was just having quite the battle to stay focused. The moment his ears would pick up a certain word or phrase clearly, his brain began to cycle through any explanation it could come up with to have a better understanding as to what was going on in there. By the time he came up with an idea, he would already be well behind in the current conversation taking place.

He also had to fight with trying not to think about Zack.

This went on for quite some time, and he was only able to pick out a few words from what he could hear.

_Town._

He strained his hearing and his legs again, balancing and listening as best he could.

_Mountain._

A throbbing pain began to form in Cloud's head the more he strained.

_Mako reactor._

Nibelheim.

The room suddenly shifted when the couch wobbled beneath his feet, and he collapsed down onto the cushions before the psychologist could hurry over and steady him. He lay there, squeezing his eyes shut. He heard her rush to his side, then felt her hands on his body to shake him slightly.

Her voice seemed distant and insignificant. "I knew this was a bad idea." She pushed him down when he tried to get back up defiantly. "It's your head, isn't it?"

He could only moan a response, burying his face in that beaded pillow when the pain would not subside and when she would not allow him to sit up.

"Do you have your medication on you?"

Her cool hand burned on his hot forehead. He tried to shake his head no, but knew he didn't. Her hands were now pressing against his neck and face.

"Cloud?"

He couldn't form the words to reply to her through the pain.

"Just rest here for a while."

He didn't want to … he wanted to continue to listen, and he tried telling her this. He wanted to find out what the hell was going on in that office and what the hell was going through Ratcliff's head as of late.

Cloud instead fell asleep.

* * *

There was more dampness on his face now, but it was what felt like a cold compress and not sweat. A cool breeze and a noisy vent accompanied it, and Cloud slowly opened his eyes to the air conditioner blaring once more overhead, and the psychologist staring down at him with that frown again. She didn't say anything at first, only patted his face with a wet cloth. She must have been doing that for a while as his hair around his face was plastered to his skin.

His eyes immediately rolled over to the clock on her desk, but he couldn't make out the time with his blurred vision.

"Thirty minutes," she said down at him, pulling the compress away and watching as he blinked heavily. "You've been asleep for thirty minutes."

"Why didn't you wake me?" he said, his voice hoarse. He rubbed at his eyes, finally gaining back clear sight but still feeling a lingering pressure in his head from the headache.

"Your health is more important."

He groaned at that; of course she would say that.

"Their session should be just about done. It's no more use for today."

He bolted up, ignoring any pain that coursed through his head and ignoring the fact that she had removed his muffler from around his neck, opened up his uniform blouse and even removed his socks as he slept.

"You have a fever," she said simply, watching him as he tenaciously began to clamber back up onto the cushions. "You need to go to the infirmary."

"No, it's nothing. I'm just tired."

"I understand your hesitance, Cloud, but I hate to tell you that exhaustion does not cause fevers."

When he ignored her and cursed to himself, realizing that he had to get down and turn the thermostat off again to be able to hear, her voice became more commanding and less suggesting.

"If you do not come down from that couch and get some proper rest, I will cancel our deal."

Cloud looked down at her slowly, taking in a very uncharacteristic angry look. Usually she held her face in a stern manner, but he could actually see her jaw clenching this time. Her eyes bored into him as though to challenge her threat.

A door closing roughly next door shook through the walls and Cloud realized that Ratcliff was leaving. He glanced at the clock again – it was a bit earlier than usual. He jumped down off the couch, his knees giving out slightly when he landed, but he managed to keep his balance as he rushed to the door.

"Cloud!" the psychologist said, following him. She managed to reach the door first during his stumble and she blocked it.

"Please, move. I need to follow him."

She just stood there, one arm outstretched and blocking the doorknob.

"Move!" he said loudly, almost shouting.

It took him a moment to realize that she was holding his boots out to him with her other hand.

His face reddened and became hotter than his alleged fever was already making it. He took them from her sheepishly and tossed them to the ground, not bothering to lace them properly or to even remove his socks that were folded up and shoved inside.

She opened the door and watched as he hobbled out into the hallway, his laces trailing behind. "We made good progress today, Cloud," she said loudly. "See you this Friday."

Cloud muttered a goodbye to her and then muttered a very nervous hello when Dr. Bleier stepped out of his office to watch as Ratcliff left through the front door. The man looked down at him as he passed and gave him a nod, but nothing more.

He left the office as fast as he could for his boots being on sloppily.

The first thing he saw in the bustle of the hallway was a dark and very bald Turk. The man was wearing sunglasses, but Cloud could feel his eyes on him. He had seen this Turk before, but recalling a name was hard in the sudden panic he was feeling when the man turned from looking at him to Ratcliff, who was standing in wait at the elevator.

Cloud immediately turned and rounded a corner out of sight. He waited a few moments before he peeked out and saw that the Turk was being approached by the female one he had encountered in the sandwich shop. She spoke a few words to him before handing him a stack of paperwork with what Cloud could only assume was a flirtatious smile.

Her eyes flicked over to Ratcliff momentarily, and then straight to Cloud.

He slipped back around the corner and let out a shaking breath. There were other people roaming about the halls, so perhaps she had looked over at someone else. Yet somehow, he doubted it.

Again, he peeked around. The female Turk was still looking his way as she spoke to the other Turk casually, who didn't seem very much engaged in the conversation. And again, she looked from Ratcliff to Cloud, and to Cloud's sudden surprise, she pulled the stack of paperwork away from her body and let a few folders plop to the ground, scattering papers everywhere.

The male Turk seemed neither amused nor irritated over this, but merely squatted down to help her collect everything. She laughed it off and helped him, but Cloud noticed she tipped the stack in her arms to the side again, allowing more to fall into the mess.

The elevator arrived and opened. Cloud sucked in a breath and darted out from around the corner to follow Ratcliff inside. He thought he saw the female Turk give him what could have been a kind smile, but he wasn't sure. The doors closed.

Upon seeing Cloud enter behind him, Ratcliff immediately began jabbing the button to open the doors repeatedly. They remained closed and the cart began to move, so he jabbed at the button for the next floor.

"We need to talk," Cloud said, watching as the man frantically pressed the button over and over, as though expecting the elevator to instantly appear at the next floor.

"T-There's nothing to talk about, yeah."

"There's plenty."

Ratcliff was quiet, fidgeting uncomfortably now that he had stopped abusing the buttons. Cloud was silent as well, unsure of what to say to this man. He looked nothing short of disastrous in appearance and demeanor, and he feared that anything he would say would push Ratcliff over the edge.

But when he decided to speak, they both spoke at the same time.

"M-my lip is healed now."

"I fucked you and Zack up, didn't I, yeah?"

Cloud looked away.

"I fucked _us_ up … didn't I?"

"No, Ratcliff," Cloud said solemnly. "Don't think that. That's why we just need to talk. I … want to understand what's going on."

"I can't tell you, yeah. We've been through this, yeah," Ratcliff said, his voice shaking as well as his body.

"No, I mean with you." Cloud pressed his lips together for a moment, whirling through things to say and how to say them, but coming up so very short. "What … uh … what was that … back then?"

"I don't know, yeah. I just don't know. Forget it happened, yeah?"

Cloud looked at Ratcliff, and as much as he could tell Ratcliff wanted to look his way, he never did. "I can't forget it happened."

"O-of course you can't, h-how fucking stupid of me. It ruined you and Zack, yeah. How stupid. Stupid, stupid, yeah."

Cloud reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. That was all he could think to do.

"It just looked really bad, that's all, yeah," Ratcliff muttered quickly, nodding to himself. "I was trying to get a closer look, yeah? I was feeling terrible about what I did … you looked so upset …"

The cart stopped at whichever floor Ratcliff had pressed earlier.

Ratcliff finally looked at Cloud, blue eyes wide and being held up by horribly dark circles.

Cloud smiled as best he could. He gave his shoulder a small squeeze.

Ratcliff sighed and hit the button to close the doors. It obeyed silently and then the cart shuddered and began to move again. They stood in silence, both not knowing where to go or even how to get there.

"Are there cameras in the elevators?" Cloud finally asked, looking above the button panel and up at the ceiling.

"I-I'm not sure, yeah. If there is, there wouldn't be audio, yeah. At least, t-that's what Kunsel says." Ratcliff glanced around too, and Cloud could feel him beginning to shake again. "M-maybe we should get off somewhere and meet up back at the barracks."

Cloud didn't want that. He had a feeling that Ratcliff would run if given the chance. But the cart stopped and the door opened.

They both froze, staring face-to-face with Zack.

Zack's eyes hardened as they trailed over Ratcliff, who was sweating and breathing hard, and then to Cloud, who had his hand on Ratcliff's shoulder with his uniform blouse still undone, his muffler hanging about his neck and his boots not on properly. He too was clammy and nervous-looking.

Cloud could only imagine what it looked like.

No one moved for what felt like hours. It was Zack first who finally did and he just stepped off to the side to let them out, looking straight ahead with a vacant look on his face.

Cloud's hand slid off Ratcliff's shoulder, not because he pulled it away, but because Ratcliff began to quake violently.

They exited warily, Cloud's eyes daring to dart up to Zack's as they passed. Zack only looked straight on, his eyes above Cloud's head as though he were not there. If Zack had muttered anything as he passed, Cloud couldn't hear over Ratcliff hyperventilating beside him.

Cloud heard Zack enter the elevator behind, and he glanced over his shoulder to him. Zack's eyes were locked onto his as he waited for the doors to close, and all that hurt and confusion was back again between them.

And only when the doors closed did their eye contact break, and what was left was still that feeling of guilt.

It always did hurt to look back.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Fifty-One: Chain Reaction.

Really, really long ending author's babble: That subtle hint at RudexCissnei was for you, Soyna. ;3

Like whooooaaa, hypnosis. It was a pain in the butt to research, but it was interesting to say the least.

First: Malady Fan-art, by the lovely BeforeTheMomentGirl on deviantART. com. It's from Chapter Forty-Nine...so sad. ; w ; (Remove the spaces in the address!)

h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-Fanart-Ch-49-210736436

Thank you, MomentGirl...so pretty, despite it being about a sad scene. And if you have trouble with the link here, it's also in my profile.

**EDIT!:** lady-yuna7 scribbled the most amazing chibi picture of Ratcliff in his infantry uniform EVER! SO ADORABLE! (Remove the spaces in the address!)

h t t p : / / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Ratcliff-chibi-211105778

HEEEEEEEEE CUTE RATTY IS CUUUUUTE! OMFG.

EDIT AGAIN 06-03-11: BeforeTheMomentGirl again drew some fan-art! The opening scene to this chapter, actually, with Ratcliff and stupid Bleier! (Remove the spaces in the address!)

h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. deviantart. com/ art/ malady-Fanart-Ch-50-211585159

Thank you again, MomentGirl! You are too sweet to me!

Second: I have a new one-shot published! It's a Zack and Angeal fan-fic called "An Orchid's Lie". Some of you have read it already, and I thank you! But for those who might be interested, here's a quick summary: "Zack will stop at nothing to make his dream of being a 1st Class SOLDIER, even it means lying to Angeal. But a single, harmless lie for the sake of getting good graces can easily backfire, and soon Zack finds himself in over his head when volunteering to house-sit for Angeal." It's canon, but if you squint you can see the hints of yaoi. Lol I hope you check it out and enjoy it! It's total fluff. Find it through my profile, of course.

Third: I said I was going to reveal some statistics about this story (since it's chapter fifty) and few questions that people have asked me. Enjoy some statistics and factoids.

Some Stats:

Total chapters so far: 53 (50 published)

Total word count in published chapters: 308,249

Total word count (all chapters): 323,783

Total pages in word document: 517 (at size 12 font, Arial)

Total pages if made into an actual book: 1,295 (approximate)

Total months in writing: 23 months (approximate)

Total editing time spent in word document: 2142:54:69 (I'm not sure exactly how long that is. This is how my word processor broke it down. XD)

Shortest chapter (including author's note): Chapter Eight: Color of Existence (3,643 words)

Longest chapter (including author's note): Chapter Thirty-Six: Cause and Effect (8,880 words)

Chapter with the most reviews: Chapter One: Enigma (27)

Chapter with the least reviews: Chapter Thirty: R&R (5...LOL)

Hardest scene to write so far: The hypnosis scene at the beginning of chapter fifty! AARGH!

How many pieces of fan-art/videos for "Malady": 47 pieces of art from 8 individuals, and 2 videos from 2 individuals!

Some facts:

Mejia, Kumpf, Haskin, Zabalza, and Bleier are all last names of people that I know in real life. :D

We have a street in the city I live in that's named "Graves". I laughed so hard when I saw that for the first time. XD

I was incredibly nervous writing the first molestation scene in chapter four. I couldn't even write certain words because I was that bashful about it. Even writing Clack's make-out session in the women's bathroom in chapter ten made me blush. Now writing smut doesn't bother me in the least. LOL PENIS, PENIS, PENIS.

Some questions from the readers:

Tookkia asked what my favorite type of cheese is – Pepper jack. LOL You weirdo.

The Silent Black Violin asked (and others in the past): "How did you come up with the plot for this?" – It originally started out as a one-shot or drabble to get my yaoi demons out while writing my other story "Existing". The beginning was really supposed to be them having sex, but since I had never really written a sex scene before, I chickened out and made it what it is now. After I wrote a few chapters, I started coming up with the main plot. At this point I can't really say how I came up with it as it would give away some things, but I was lying in bed trying to sleep with my mind racing around, and one thought led to another in some crazy process, and the idea came to me. I'll explain further when the time comes.

Soyna wants me to reveal the maladies I've suffered while writing "Malady" – Spinal surgery; a bad cold that caused a torn muscle in my stomach area (they thought it was appendicitis) from coughing for a month and a half, and it laid me up for three weeks; a sprained thumb, wrist and ankle after tripping over a baby gate; attacked by my cat (like...majorly mauled...not just a tiny scratch. It was back in June of 2010, and my leg still hurts where the scars are!); carpal tunnel; a month's worth of depression; a cyst on the bottom of my foot; my jaw moving out of place from TMJ and now I can't eat certain foods properly and need braces to fix my problem; and now I need more surgery on my spine to fuse a few vertebrae together. LOL LIFE IS GOOD! Soyna says this is my punishment for hurting Cloud in this story. Every time I make him worse, something seems to happen. Seriously, I'm probably forgetting a few things that have happened to me.

lady-yuna7 and I were talking and got onto the topic of how I came up with the name of this story and she wanted me to share it – Eight years ago I wrote this Trigun fan-fic called "Geranium" and one of the chapters was named "Malady", since it was about Vash getting some strange Plant-related illness (I dunno what's up with me and my favorite blond characters getting sick...I swear I'm sane! I SWEAR!) and I took the name for this story from that chapter. So thank my Trigun fandom for the name of this Final Fantasy VII story. LOL

I think that's enough for now. I'll release updated stats when I finish the story to compare for those that may be interested. :3

Next chapter will be out on Tuesday, June **17th!- EDIT. I'M AN IDIOT. WRONG DATE. SORRY, PEOPLE. TUESDAY JUNE 21ST.**


	51. Chapter FiftyOne: Chain Reaction

Chapter Fifty-One: Chain Reaction

* * *

It took twenty minutes to calm Ratcliff down; it took Cloud only ten to calm himself after seeing Zack so unexpectedly. Eventually the man's hysterical breaths subsided, but the shaking continued with little sign of stopping.

Cloud had to ask himself how the hell did everything come to this.

They had fled to the barracks, knowing no other place that they could go where the Turks couldn't easily follow. It was now full of the men from their unit, but most of them were lazing about or mingling among the tables across from their racks. The locker room and shower area remained unoccupied, so they holed themselves up in there to calm down.

They kept the lights off, as Cloud's head was pounding relentlessly and the thought of looking into a light made him nauseous. Maybe he just didn't want to see Ratcliff in the tormented state he was in.

Sitting together without a word was both awkward and frustrating. Cloud felt as though letting a moment pass without saying anything to Ratcliff would somehow make things worse. But no matter how hard he tried to focus on comforting this man, his thoughts would trail to Zack and how his heart was aching. How Cloud longed to explain himself after such a misunderstanding, and how he longed to tell Zack how much he regretted saying the things he did. How he longed to take it all away to be able to put a smile back on Zack's face.

And even so, anytime he did try to open his mouth to say something to Ratcliff about it all, nothing but a helpless silence followed.

"M-Mejia," Ratcliff eventually said, breathless.

"What?" Cloud looked to him in surprise.

"You asked how it all came to this, yeah."

"I … did?" Had he really said that aloud?

Ratcliff paused, and from what Cloud could see in the darkness was a very uncertain and fearful expression. Cloud waited patiently, even though his mind was screaming for him to continue.

"Th-that mission we all went on to the Materia cave. You p-probably don't remember what happened, at – at least not this, yeah. But, y-you were hurt." He swallowed hard, bringing a shaking hand to his hair and running it through. "G-Graves and E-Elici … they were going against M-Mejia's orders to not use materia to heal you, but you were suffering. I-I tried to distract him to give them enough time to heal you. I-I tried to sweet talk with him so he wouldn't see what they were doing, yeah. He was a s-sucker for inappropriate flirting, yeah."

Ratcliff grew quiet, reaching for his locker and opening it. He grabbed a few things out and Cloud heard his clothes rustling in the darkness. Then there were two flicks of what sounded like a lighter and then an orange glow.

The smell of familiar cigarettes passed over Cloud, and he then was reminded heavily of Graves. It struck him by such surprise that he didn't even think to remind Ratcliff that he shouldn't be smoking in the barrack, let alone ask him why he was smoking in the first place. He could see the smoldering tip quivering as the man brought it to his lips and took a long drag.

Cloud stayed as patient as he could.

Eventually Ratcliff smoked enough of the cigarette to encourage himself to speak again.

"I-I hate to admit that after I broke up with him, I-I would find myself doing that with him a lot, yeah. M-maybe I just wanted him to miss me so much that he'd – he'd change, yeah?" Another drag of the cigarette. "So, I s-strung him along sometimes. I don't know why, yeah. And I don't know why either of us gave a damn after the way he used to treat me. Y-you can ima – imagine, yeah."

Cloud nodded solemnly. He didn't know the details or extent of what Mejia had done to Ratcliff when they were together, but he had _ideas_.

"But the flirting – he didn't fall for it. Not after so many times of asking me to get back with him and me refusing. And back then when I had refused, it devastated him." He suddenly laughed once – sarcastic and bitter. "I g-guess that'd imply that he had some sort of compassion at some point, yeah. But the extent of his _compassion_ only went as far as his sick mind would allow, yeah. He's like a s-spoiled brat, yeah? Doesn't get his way, he'll throw one hell of a tantrum and make you regret your decision with f-fear. And there was plenty of that, yeah.

"So the only thing I could think of was to confront him about letting that monster hurt you, yeah. If there's one thing he's a s-sucker for more than flirting is confrontation. He loves it, yeah." Ratcliff scoffed. "The ass."

They were silent again. They listened to the water dripping from the shower heads and hitting the cold tile. Ratcliff flicked the lighter again, and a new cigarette was lit just as tremulously as the previous.

"Angels … he – he told me –" He cut himself off to take a long, crackling drag again, and when he spoke next, his voice held so much nervousness that Cloud felt as though Mejia were right there looming over them. "... M-Mejia said, 'You took away my everything when you left me. I'll take everything from you.'"

Frozen and confused Cloud stood, dissecting what that could have meant, what it did mean, and what it could still mean, even in Mejia's wake.

He knew too little about their relationship. Had they been so serious to warrant such a bold statement? Had what little heart Mejia had been broken, or was it just that spoiled mentality declaring revenge on rejection?

"What the hell does that even mean? He _cared_ about you that much?"

"Who – who knows, yeah. Sometimes I th-thought he had. There were times when he would actually be somewhat human, yeah … but … I-I can't forget the look in his eyes as he said that. It was _vindictive_, yeah."

"Why would he tell you something like that at such a strange time?"

"He …" Ratcliff fell silent, his breathing became heavy with that nervousness again. "He was jealous of you."

"Me!" Cloud cried out, having to thrust his hand out to steady himself against the lockers beside them. It caused Ratcliff to flinch. "Jealous? Of me!"

Ratcliff said nothing. He only sat himself down slowly on the dressing bench and sucked on the cigarette with desperation.

"What in the hell are you talking about? Is that some sort of joke –"

"No," Ratcliff said at once, barely finishing blowing the smoke out of his mouth before he spoke. "N-not a joke, yeah. I-I stopped stringing him along when y-you showed up. That cut off any hope he might've had to get me. Th-that was the s-start of it all."

Cloud stared at Ratcliff incredulously in the darkness. "But … you were friends with Elici and Graves before you were friends with me. Why in the hell did he not care about that? Why me?"

"He f-fucks with people because he can, yeah. S-sometimes there doesn't need to be a big reason behind someone's actions. There are s-sick people that do shit like that just because they _can, _Cloud."

Cloud couldn't argue with that, knowing firsthand. It was still all very hard to comprehend, and even more to accept that to be the driving force behind Mejia's motives.

Ratcliff must have understood Cloud's awed silence, for he continued.

"Th-think of it this way, yeah? If you saw someone trip and fall, you'd help pick them back up, yeah?"

"Of course …"

"Nobody falls for no reason. M-Mejia would be the one to have tripped that person. And you know as well as I do that he'd just step on over you, yeah."

"Or on you …" Cloud muttered.

Ratcliff suddenly laughed, even if it sounded a little forced, and it didn't last as long as it would have in the past. Cloud hated to hear it now; it reminded him of how Ratcliff used to be back when everyone was still alive and content.

After his laugh subsided, things grew awkward and cold again. Ratcliff lit up another cigarette and Cloud absently rubbed his temples, groaning to himself.

"Is this why he killed Elici?"

"P-Probably," Ratcliff said after a moment. "E-Elici ratted him out on a few occasions, yeah. M-Mejia always saw him as an ass-kisser. He hates ass-kissers, unless it's his ass you're kissing, yeah. He knew how much I cared for Elici, so that gave him even more reason. I used to have a c-crush on him for a bit, yeah," Ratcliff said, his voice a strange high pitch, as though trying to sound lighthearted.

Cloud almost laughed. Out of all the days and months he had spent with these men, living with them there at Shin-Ra and spending almost every moment together, he had never known this. There was no telltale sign nor drunken mentioning of it from his friends – nothing.

But that meant more motive for Mejia, if that was what Ratcliff was suggesting by admitting this.

"It's why he tried to get at you, I'm assuming, yeah. He knew how much I cared for you and saw how I stopped interacting with him when we became friends. He even tried asking Zack out a while ago, did you know that, yeah?" He didn't wait for Cloud to respond. "Probably saw how you two were getting so close and thought he could make all of us miserable if he took Zack from you somehow, yeah. Who knows."

Cloud had not known that, and knots began to form in his stomach and a wave of nausea hit him again. Somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered how long ago that had been, how Zack reacted and what he possibly said to turn him down. "Y-yeah," he slowly mumbled, and that was with which he could only respond.

Perhaps all his adrenaline was winding down from earlier and was leaving him exhausted, because he had to sit down on the bench next to Ratcliff when his body suddenly began to hurt. He put his face in his hands, no longer having the strength to prod the man for more information; what he had just learned was more than he could handle for the moment.

This didn't make sense, and yet it did. To fathom someone being so cruel and self-indulgent as to physically hurt others for the sake of revenge was a staggering thought. But this was Mejia. This was the man who had hurt Ratcliff in the past, this was the man that continued to haunt them both through a domino effect of his greedy actions.

"Making people m-miserable is all he's good at, yeah," Ratcliff muttered bitterly, and Cloud could hear the man rubbing out the last of the cigarette against the dressing bench. "You know he was the reason why …"

Cloud lifted his face from his hands and whipped his head towards Ratcliff, seeing the man stand and step to his locker again. He opened it wide and busied himself inside for a few moments; Cloud couldn't see what he was doing again.

"Why what?"

"Th-that deserter I was ordered to kill a l-long time ago. I'm – I'm sure you've heard about it, yeah. B-but Mejia was the one to give me the order to kill him," Ratcliff said sorrowfully, stopping his rummaging and looking back at Cloud in the darkness. "W-we were supposed to ap-apprehend him and that's it, yeah. But M-Mejia's sick … so – so f-fucking sick. Maybe the man looked at him f-funny one day and he decided he wanted him dead, yeah, wh-who knows. But that just goes to s-show you how f-fucked in the head he is."

Cloud looked away with a single nod. After what he did to Elici, hearing this only made perfect sense.

"And … Graves," Ratcliff murmured.

"What about Graves?"

Ratcliff paused his rummaging. "W-well … he was chasing after M-Mejia, you know."

"What does he have to do with Mejia? I mean … didn't you … weren't you the one to …" He fell silent.

"I … I lied."

"About Graves?"

Ratcliff sucked in a breath to speak, but the lights above suddenly flashed on, and Cloud cringed as pain erupted from his eyes and into his head. He covered his face and heard Ratcliff scrambling with whatever he was doing inside his locker before slamming it shut.

"N-never mind … f-forget it, yeah?" he said as some men from the barracks made their way through the lockers to the showers.

One of those men spotted them, and a wide smirk crawled onto his face. "Looks like we interrupted something," he said suggestively, motioning to the both of them, as they certainly looked more than a little disheveled in their state. A few of the others chuckled along with him.

Ratcliff looked as though he were about to blow up on these men, but he just gritted his teeth and turned away. "We – we'll talk later," he muttered, and Cloud only nodded.

They then both fled from the sanctity of the locker room, and knowing no where else to go, Cloud crawled into his bunk in the hope to sleep his headache off, and Ratcliff slipped out to not return until later on that night while everyone was asleep, drunk and a hysterical mess again.

* * *

Ratcliff's hangover in the morning was horrible. At first Cloud was contributing the man's dark circles, clammy skin and sluggish movements to it, but as the morning went on it was obvious that it had only played a small role in the man's appearance and behavior at first. Perhaps it had been his lack of nutrition throughout the weeks that began to finally take a dominating effect on him, as Cloud noted during their meal times Ratcliff only snacked lightly on whatever he could buy from the vending machines or from convenience stores in Midgar. He even went as far as trading gil for MREs from their fellow barrack mates.

It seemed as though Ratcliff was sticking by his allegations of Shin-Ra poisoning the both of them, and Cloud was left to wonder why would they would possibly become targets. Cloud knew that if it were true, it would have something to do with what really happened in Nibelheim. But Cloud was not involved in that, so why would he become a target for such a scheme?

It was quite a subtle way to dispose of someone, when Cloud thought about it. It would ensure the least amount of suspicion, and since Shin-Ra practically owned their men through written contracts and fear, the mysterious deaths of two infantrymen would easily be covered up with slander, and maybe a little bribery or blackmail on the coroner's part.

Which upon reflection made the thought of strange things happening in Dr. Bleier's office seem much more probable.

In a twisted way, Cloud couldn't wait for Friday to come so he could listen in on Ratcliff's session again. The last one had not been too successful during, but what he had learned afterwards began to shed a little bit of light on what Ratcliff could be thinking or experiencing. And for Ratcliff to open up to him in the locker room like that meant that he might be coming close to some sort of breakthrough with him. Perhaps the next time they talked he would be able to prod for further information as to what really happened in Nibelheim, even though in the pit of Cloud's stomach he was dreading the answer.

But Friday was coming around very slowly. Too slowly, in fact, and Cloud found himself struggling to concentrate on anything but the onslaught of worry and anxiousness he was feeling. And it was certainly showing. Barrack mates began to take notice and heckle him, calling him a slacker during patrols when he would unintentionally space out, or a 'Broke Dick' when his headache would leave him incapacitated for a few hours.

It was bad enough that he was getting teased for his motion sickness. His unit had been called to duty when reports of sightings of Genesis Copy came in, and while on the transport to the slums where they were assigned their search, he had vomited. It really was nothing new, but it just added fuel to the 'Broke Dick' fire and the attention he received only added to the alienation he had been feeling as of late.

He was getting teased a lot more now, or at least it felt that way now that Elici and Graves were gone, and Ratcliff seemed to be in his own little world. Maybe no one had bothered to tease him because he had them at his side, or maybe he could deal with the taunts and jeers he received, because with them, things like that just seemed insignificant compared to all the laughs they had.

Or maybe he was just getting weak.

A few hours dragged by on their mission, and all they really ran into were monsters, which were scrambling beneath the debris below the plates. It was a tiring task, as most of the time the monsters hid and they were forced to flush them out by overturning the debris or using scare tactics. Their only saving grace was that some of the monsters liked to hide where population was scarce between the Sectors, and so if a stray bullet were to miss its target, they didn't have to worry so much about it hitting a bystander.

The mission as a whole went terrible. He could barely follow Haskin's orders and found himself so disorientated to the point of having forgotten how to cast a simple Fire spell while under pressure. It wasn't helping that Haskin was barking at him from behind, or that the sound of their assault rifles firing off rounds was wrecking havoc on his head, but it took him a moment to right himself and cast the spell. The energy he had put forth into casting it was not enough, and Haskin had to come in from behind to finish off one of the monsters.

Cloud then would rather have listened to their rifles firing at pointblank without ear protection than the tongue-lashing he received from Haskin.

Ratcliff too was subject to the man's now-strained vocal chords. It seemed as though Ratcliff was not doing any better than Cloud, and inaccurate shots with careless spell-casting was making that apparent. Neither of their hearts were in it, or their attention spans, and so Haskin started to push them harder in battle.

Towards the end, the other men on the mission sat back and merely watched Cloud and Ratcliff as they were ordered to handle the last of the monsters on their own, per Haskin's punishment for their 'slacking'. It was becoming like a sporting event for them, and behind their backs the men began to take bets on who would collapse from exhaustion first. Most bets were on Cloud.

And with how his body was feeling, he didn't really blame them for their decision. It soon became too much for him, and when they finally did encounter a Genesis Copy, he was easily overwhelmed.

It was strong – too strong for him even if he were at full strength and of sound mind. By the time the others realized what was going on and came over to help fend the Copy off, Cloud had already been knocked to the ground and Ratcliff fell beside him.

After the Genesis Copy was disposed of and reported, the men seemed more concerned about exchanging gil than tending to Cloud's injured shoulder and Ratcliff's bleeding head. They both had been hit so hard that one of Cloud's pauldrons cracked and Ratcliff's helmet now lay in several pieces in his hands, and both were so weakened that they had to be helped back to the vehicle even after a basic Cure spell was finally administered.

When they reached the Shin-Ra building, they were greeted with utter chaos. The reports of the Genesis Copies had just been a diversion, causing Shin-Ra to mobilize troops and send them out on a wild goose chase throughout Midgar, weakening their defenses back at headquarters.

Now plumes of black smoke billowed from gaping holes in the building and flashes of red peeked through, whether from fire or the alert system rigged throughout the hallways. SOLDIERs and infantrymen alike scattered around, trying to resume some sort of order throughout the hordes of frightened office workers, executives and scientists that were useless in the aftermath of the attack. The damage was staggering, but it seemed as though there was a good handle on the situation outside the building.

They reported in with Kunsel in the underground garage, which the only damage there was from opportunists taking advantage of the discord by breaking into a few of the more expensive-looking vehicles and looting through. He informed them that their unit was safe, but several floors and wings were damaged inside the building and the infirmary was full of injured. Upon the word injured, his eyes fell onto both Cloud and Ratcliff, and then onto Haskin.

After Haskin briefed him on what had transpired on their mission and why Cloud and Ratcliff were in the state they were, Kunsel ordered Haskin and the others to the main lobby to help with the relief efforts, but not after a tongue-lashing of his own for allowing such an error of judgment to happen.

Haskin tried to argue that it was because of their alleged 'slacking' that got them into the mess, but Kunsel dismissed him with a few choice words and threats of punishments. It was quite gratifying seeing Haskin slump off with the other men for more hours of hard work.

Now both Cloud and Ratcliff stood at a wobbly attention in wait for some sort of order from Kunsel, but the SOLDIER just stared at them for a long time, trying to make sense of what happened, what was wrong with them to cause them to be so spacy, and then what to inevitably do with them. In the end, he ordered them back to the barracks to rest, seeing as the infirmary was full and how neither of them would go to it anyway.

And as he ordered Ratcliff back first, he waited until the man got out of earshot before grabbing Cloud by the arm and quietly telling him that not only would the barracks be empty for most of the night, but the Turks would be busy with the attack on the building, so now would be the time to try and get information out of Ratcliff. He released Cloud's arm and dismissed him.

Cloud hurried after Ratcliff and they made their way to the barracks through a sea of frantic SOLDIERs and infantrymen. It was indeed chaotic, and they were hardly taken notice of by anyone who passed. He hoped that Kunsel was right in assuming that the Turks would be too busy to pay them any mind, because he could only imagine what would happen if they were seen talking together privately.

They reached their barrack and were a bit relieved to see that it suffered no damage in the attack. It was empty and dark, and immediately Cloud began to feel tired the moment he set his gear down on his bunk. His shoulder was throbbing with a possible sprain, along with everywhere else on his body. He could tell that Ratcliff was feeling the same, as he rolled onto Elici's bunk instead of climbing up his own after tossing his shattered helmet up there with his gear.

He lay with his back turned for a while and Cloud was starting to fear that they both would fall asleep before any information could be extracted. Little was said between them, mostly a few-word sentences about how stupid Haskin and the others were acting. After a while, Ratcliff quieted, but Cloud could hear his stomach growling and he shifted uncomfortably afterwards. Ratcliff must have been starving.

Upon hearing this for several minutes, Cloud offered to get something from the vending machine for him, and after a moment of contemplating, Ratcliff agreed. So Cloud mustered up what little energy he had left and slipped out of the barrack in search for a snack for the both of them. He too was starving after vomiting up his only meal earlier that day.

First he tried the vending machine near their barracks, but he had forgotten that it changed over to cigarettes a while ago when Graves had bitched enough about having to go down six floors before he reached a vending machine that had sold them. He was able to rally enough men in their barracks and the surrounding barracks to have it changed over. Apparently they valued smoking more than food.

Cloud tried another wing of their floor, but it only housed unfamiliar barracks and laundry rooms. Two more floors he tried, both proving to be unsuccessful. He managed to find another vending machine, but it too had been looted much like the cars beneath the building had from very advantageous men.

Searching more was getting difficult as he moved about the building, weaving between people and rubble-littered hallways. The more and more he looked, the more of the damage he began to see from the attack on the building. Large, gaping holes spanned the length of the corridors and offices; charred remains of furniture lay in scattered heaps which made it rough to traverse through some parts; and bullet holes dotted along walls and windows with intimidating flair.

This was now becoming quite the lost cause. He started to lose his patience and considered heading back. It was ridiculous to be doing this in all the chaos and confusion of the building, but he thought of how hungry Ratcliff must have been and how malnourished he must have been getting, especially from his dismal performance today during the mission. Although Cloud's wasn't much better.

It was surreal to be wandering around looking for a snack of all things, while everyone else was bustling about in haste with trying to clear walkways and assess the damages. Employees looked flustered and turned around, trying to make sense of which way to go and how to get there, as rooms and corridors were blocked by wreckage, making it hard to reach certain areas of the building.

Even Cloud had a hard time navigating around, and he usually had a very good sense of direction from growing up in the mountains. He never had a problem with their land navigation training or simulations, so to suddenly be confused as to where he was and from which way he came was concerning. Nothing looked familiar anymore, and the posted signs that normally told him which way to go if he were to get a little lost were now too damaged or completely missing from their spots on the walls.

He stopped the next person he passed – a 3rd Class SOLDIER – and with a polite salute and surely a reddened face he inquired about the nearest vending machine. He held his breath in fear of yet another tongue-lashing, for this SOLDIER looked pushed to the edge from the events of the day. But the young man actually looked quite relieved to assist, probably thinking it a relief from all the turmoil and panicked questions he most likely had received all day. The SOLDIER directed Cloud three floors down and listed off surprisingly detailed directions on how to get there and what items he would exactly find in the machine.

All of which Cloud forgot by the time he reached the three floors down.

He was now standing in a corridor that looked as though a wrecking ball had smashed through … and then smashed through again. It was somewhat traversable, if not a little dangerous for the clumsy individual, but the lack of lights above made things hard to see. The only light was a single bulb flickering lazily above with an equally lazy buzz, and the light of the moon shining through the impressive hole that now looked out on the city below.

He continued on through the remains of the hallways in search, slowly realizing that he was now very turned around and very lost. He found that he was unable to pull his thoughts together to try to find a way out of whatever damaged wing he was in. At this point he wasn't even sure as to which floor he was on. He couldn't even tell what this floor was designated for from all the damage, and slight panic began to well in his chest.

His head had been pounding again, and badly. Even if those signs were still there and the hallways were clear, his sudden blurring vision was stopping him from keeping track of where he had gone and to where he was going. He was aware that he was becoming disorientated – he knew that much – and he stumbled to the nearest wall, palming it as he walked to steady himself as best he could.

The remaining light above burnt out with a crack, and even the moonlight seemed to be disappearing. Cloud could no longer see where he was going from darkness wrapping around his vision from the pain, and he had to sit down on the nearest object before he became worse and toppled over from swaying.

He desperately tried to keep his mind wrapped around solid thoughts, as the feeling that they were slipping away was soon stronger than the strength in his body. But he was quickly worsening, and nauseating pains pulsated through his head. He lost his balance, slumping off whatever he had been sitting on and he fell between huge chunks of debris.

The muscles in his body now refused to move from the pain. He felt some of that debris sliding off and covering him, and now the only worried thought in his head was that he would pass out and not be found.

Cloud lay there motionless and helpless for what must have been an hour, maybe a bit less. He only knew this from opening his eyes a crack and seeing the shadows that the moonlight created in the hallway shifting away, casting him further into darkness. But even opening his eyes and moving them that little bit – being the only thing he dare move – was causing his head such agony. He closed them again, silently willing himself to ease. He almost wished that he _would_ pass out, if it meant to reawaken and be pain-free.

There was a growing sound coming from down the hallway. Two pairs of footsteps walking; two voices. One was talking about the damages and about following the leads they received about the Genesis Copies, and the other was blandly replying with disinterested grunts and hums of acknowledgment.

They stopped when they got to the large gap in the wall. Cloud peeled his eyes open to see them standing in front of it and staring out, silhouetted by the dim lights of the city. One was short and female, flecks of auburn hair catching in what little light there was. The female Turk maybe? The other was tall and male with what looked like a normally proud stance that was now sagged and apathetic as the female Turk spoke about the hole.

"Are you listening to anything I'm saying, Zack?" said the female voice, annoyed.

Cloud's heart slammed in his chest, lifting his eyes up to the figures and straining to make out the features of the man standing there.

Zack turned, and the first and only thing that Cloud was able to see was that same expression of unbelievable hurt still etched in Zack's face; it had not changed at all … not one bit.

They conversed for several minutes, Zack's voice having no trace of any sort of happiness, his body language dulled. Cloud tried to utter a sound, but his head was searing and his chest was heavy with both the weight of debris and his own guilt. He wanted to call out to him, to tell him that he was all wrong … to tell him that he was sorry.

To tell him to never wear that face again …

They finished their conversation and started to walk off. Cloud tried to reach out towards him; the pain in his head spread throughout his body like wildfire.

To tell him that he …

"Za–"

Zack stopped, turning towards Cloud's direction at the small peep he managed to utter.

"What's wrong?" the female Turk asked, stopping as well.

"Thought I heard something," Zack murmured, peering right at Cloud but unable to see him shrouded in shadow.

"This floor has already been searched for the injured and dead. It's probably a rat," the female Turk said, waving her flashlight around the area but never revealing anything. "This place is crawling with them." She started to walk off with an indifferent stride. "Sometimes I think those science geeks let them out to watch the women in this building squirm for entertainment." She disappeared down the hall, leaving Zack standing and staring by himself.

He strained the muscles in his arm, but nothing seemed to work. Vocal chords were gone.

Cloud wanted to tell Zack everything.

"Yeah," Zack muttered, turning away. "You're probably right." He too disappeared.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Fifty-Two: Not Far to Run.

Ending Author's Note: Sorry, everyone. In my last author's note I got the date wrong. I said June 17th, but I meant the 21st. My bad … teehee. C:

The term 'broke dick' is a derogatory term for someone in the military who is always getting injured or faking injury to evade their military duties.

The 3rd Class SOLDIER in this chapter that Cloud stopped is my roleplay OC Nodin Gervase … he has an obsession with the vending machines in the building and has cataloged every single one in Shin-Ra and keeps a very accurate and staggering list of where each is located and which machines carry which products, the prices, and what days of the week they are serviced by the vendors. He's just in here for my own amusement. Lololol Who knows, he might make another appearance one day …

Also, I changed "shoulder armor" to the more technical term "pauldrons" and will be referring to them as such from here on out.

I have a feeling some of you are frustrated with my "dragging things out", but trust me this all has purpose and will wrap up really soon. I'm predicting about chapter 53 or 54 it will wrap up. It'll be worth it, trust me! I really, really appreciate your patience, understanding and support while this plot arc revolves around my OC and Cloud. But I figured by now the majority of people who are still reading this story by this point support (or at least tolerate) my OCs and acknowledge their significance as plot devices. Everything I write and the pace at which I write has a purpose. I don't feel as though I should apologize per se, and I don't think anyone expects me to, but I did want to address this as I do know a few of you *cough**cough*are feeling a bit frustrated over the lack of Clack.

But what's this? Some Clack interactions next chapter? Why yes … yes there is. 8D

**FAN-ART ALERT!**

BeforeTheMomentGirl on deviantART again has drawn me two more pieces of fan-art! Both are from Chapter Fifty: Overturned! (Remove the spaces in the web address!):

**h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. deviantart. com / art / malady-Fanart-Ch-50-211585159**

and

**h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. deviantart. com / art / Malady-Fanart-Ch-50-Again-213329448**

And speaking of BeforeTheMomentGirl, I do believe it's her birthday today! Happy Birthday, dear! C:

And lady-yuna7 drew chibi Ratcliff! He's so chunky and adorable and squeezable and nommable! Check him out! (Remove the spaces in the web address!):

**h t t p : / / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com / art / Ratcliff-chibi-211105778**

What an adorable booberry. C: Oh, and Ratcliff is adorable too. ;3 LOL I love you, yunie.

And if none of these links work, they are in my profile, or you can find them in my favorites on my deviantART account.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter! Didn't get around to thank everyone who did individually. Some drama happened with my family and is kinda still going on, so I've been a bit preoccupied with things lately. Slowed down my writing a bit. I know, same old story with me, but it's true.

That said, next chapter will be Tuesday, July 19th. And yes, I double-checked the date. XD

Smell ya later. LOL


	52. Chapter FiftyTwo: Not Far to Run

Chapter Fifty-Two: Not Far to Run

* * *

Cloud had been gone for far too long. The building was a mess, but to find a vending machine shouldn't have taken more than fifteen minutes, maybe twenty with having to traverse through wreckage. But he had been gone for over an hour now.

Any other time Ratcliff would have just assumed that perhaps he became sidetracked with conversation, or a SOLDIER spotted him and decided to question him for wandering around; but after how the boy had been acting that day and also for the past two months, Ratcliff began to grow concerned.

He left the barracks after a few attempts at the actual act of sitting up, as his body was protesting anything other than shutting down for the night. First he checked around their barracks and their floor, and then the one above and the one below. But Cloud was nowhere to be found.

He tried the chow hall, but the double doors were locked at this hour. Something in his gut made him check at the infirmary, but it was overflowing with Shin-Ra staff scrambling about and seemed the most disorderly of wherever Ratcliff had went.

Concern turned to worry, and then panic.

Eventually that panic forced him to think rationally. Maybe Cloud had gotten sidetracked by a certain SOLDIER. So he climbed the stairs until he reached the SOLDIER floor and nervously strode down the dark hall until he reached Zack's quarters. He did not knock, as he didn't think he could. Instead he held his breath and pressed his ear to the door to listen.

Silence.

No murmuring, no laughing, nor arguing … no muffled sounds of heated passion …

Ratcliff pulled away, shaking. His worry increased, albeit a part of him having an almost relieved feeling upon hearing no sounds of sexual activities. He didn't think he could handle hearing that …

… Not when that selfish, jealous part wanted Cloud for himself.

What a disgusting monster he was.

His search led him back around the barracks. He checked bathrooms, poked his head into other barracks, rechecked their own barrack, but Cloud was still nowhere to be found.

He was tempted to start at the bottom of the building and work his way up, combing through every place he possibly could, but he had not the energy nor the clearance to roam around certain areas. It was getting very late, and surely their unit would be making their way back to the barracks, and surely Kunsel or Haskin would be expecting them to be tucked away in their bunks. He could care less if he were to get in trouble, as anything that Haskin would throw at him would matter not to him, but for Cloud to get into trouble and be forced to possibly experience the things Ratcliff himself had to experience …

Ratcliff didn't think he could handle that, either.

He started to search at every vending machine that he knew about, but with no luck at first, not until he came upon a young, freckle-faced 3rd Class SOLDIER lingering about one and mumbling to himself over the damages that it had received during the attack.

"I found one looted. Can you believe it? Looted! The bastards," he said when Ratcliff approached warily.

"Are they all damaged like this, yeah?"

The SOLDIER shook his head, tinkering a bit with a loose button on the keypad. "I found a few that survived unscathed."

"Know of any with actual food inside? It's all cigarettes around my barracks, yeah."

"Try four floors down, go past what was the PR department but now is a heap of crap, take a right, then another right, and then it should be in the far right corner of the employee lounge. It has some good stuff. Like my favorite – Tonberry Berry Bar."

That was oddly specific.

"Sent a bubba to that one earlier," he continued, slapping the side of the machine as the inner lights flickered a few times. "Hope he didn't get the last bar. The vendor only brought twelve last shipment. They sell out quickly because it's on the same floor as the executive gym."

Ratcliff tried to stay patient through his rambling. "How earlier, yeah?"

"Why, you lookin' for him or somethin'?" He growled as the lights shorted out, and he slapped the side once more.

"I might be, yeah."

"Just a kid?" Again he slapped the machine. "Blond?" And again. "Short?" Now he slapped both sides. "Blushes easily?" Harder. "Fresh scar on his lip?"

Very oddly specific.

"Yeah. That's him, yeah."

The lights buzzed back on and he let out a triumphant laugh, and then he finally turned to face Ratcliff. "Had to have been over an hour ago. He looked lost. Of course, our floors are pretty damaged. Maybe he got a little turned around."

"Yeah. Maybe."

Ratcliff thanked him and headed four floors down, declining the SOLDIER's offer to help Ratcliff in his search for Cloud.

He found himself standing in a heavily damaged corridor, and unlike the lights in the vending machine, these were burnt out completely with no flickering life left in them. Ceiling tiles swayed above in a drafty breeze, occasionally letting dust trickle down onto the floor. He walked through cautiously, stepping over large chunks of wall and furniture lying about.

"Cloud?" he called out, glancing down a long, dark stretch of hallway to his right. He thought he heard a shuffling noise down the hall in front of him, which was not the correct direction of the vending machine, according to what that SOLDIER had directed. He continued straight for the noise, and that draft began to get stronger, carrying with it the scent of the city. He stopped when he reached a massive hole in the wall. He was astonished at the size of it and the amount of wreckage it had caused. He approached it, hand gripping the edge to brace himself as he looked out.

The city looked peaceful. Lights twinkled from each sector, and the sounds made from the inhabitants did not reach this high. All he heard and all he felt was the wind. He wanted to sit down and enjoy the breeze; to hang his legs over the side carelessly, much like one would do into a pool on a summer day. It was a liberating feeling, and in the moment he savored it, and became jealous of it. To move through the Planet so freely – powerful, yet gentle; ignored, yet admired … underestimated, yet respected. It truly was an entity to envy.

Maybe for a minute he could sit down and enjoy it. Just a minute to be able to leave everything around and let it all be carried away by that wind … it would be so nice to have a minute with such freedom and such peace.

Something shuffled behind him again.

"Za … ck."

Ratcliff whipped around at the voice, nearly losing his footing. He threw himself forward, away from the hole. He stumbled and landed hard on his hands and knees, almost having crashed down onto a pile of debris on the other side of the hallway. He rested there, gulping in frightened breaths and staring wide-eyed at the tile beneath him, the realization of almost falling off the building hitting him.

His eyes trailed along the floor until it reached the beginning of a corridor with large chunks of debris. There was an outstretched arm not a foot away. It was Cloud, lying face down and unmoving.

Ratcliff scrambled over, tossing off debris that was covering the boy. At first he was expecting the debris to be heavy, as it looked to have pinned Cloud down, but it was not. It wouldn't even have trapped a small child.

"What happened?" he said, tossing the last bit to the side and scooping the boy into his arms. Cloud struggled weakly to his knees with Ratcliff's help, and sat slumped and swaying.

"I-I d-dunno," Cloud slurred, voice distant. "Got … lost."

"Lost?" he repeated in shock, dusting Cloud's shoulders and back. "How the hell did you get lost? What's the matter with you, yeah?"

Cloud didn't respond for a while. He only teetered and breathed heavily while Ratcliff supported him from collapsing over again. If Ratcliff didn't know any better, he would have thought that Cloud had been drinking.

"Zack," the boy finally murmured, and Ratcliff caught what looked like tears falling from his eyes, although in the darkness they were only but a flicker of shadow. "… he looks so sad."

He stared at him in confusion. "Zack? Cloud, get up." He tugged at his arm, but the boy did not budge. "Get up now."

"What have I done?" Cloud asked, his voice shaking and sounding delirious. "He loves me, and I ruined it. I'm so pathetic. So _fucking_ pathetic."

"Y-You're not, yeah? I fucked everything up, not you."

Cloud didn't seem to hear him. In fact, by the way he was swaying and the way he sounded, it was as though he was not aware that Ratcliff was there beside him. More and more of his weight began to sink against Ratcliff's arms.

"He loves me." Cloud's voice began to gain in strength, yet his body was growing slack. "He _loves _me, and I couldn't say it back to him!"

"What's the matter with you, yeah?" His eyes searched Cloud's face rapidly, as though the answer to his question was darting about like a fly trying to evade being caught. He reached up to cup Cloud's cheek worriedly with his free hand and gasped at the feel of his skin. "Shiva's sake, you're burning up, yeah!"

Cloud made no acknowledgment that he had understood or even remotely heard what Ratcliff had said, or that he was starting to slip into unconsciousness. He only continued to ramble about Zack, even when Ratcliff tried to hush him and urge him to get to his feet.

"C'mon, yeah? You need to get up, yeah? Don't fade on me."

"Wanna … say … it," was what he muttered before he went completely limp in Ratcliff's arms.

* * *

It took every ounce of strength that Ratcliff had to drag Cloud back. The elevators were shut down due to a maintenance crew inspecting it for any damage during the night so it would be fully functional in the morning during peak business hours. Luckily that 3rd Class SOLDIER had passed by during his long trek back through several floors and wouldn't take no for an answer in helping to carry Cloud to the barrack.

The SOLDIER left once Cloud was deposited onto his bunk, and Ratcliff nearly collapsed on top of him from exertion. For being so thin now, Cloud as deadweight was more than he could handle.

Ratcliff immediately began to tug Cloud's boots off and remove what he could of his clothing to help relieve his fever. He was looking quite similar to the state he was in when they had met up in the elevator the previous day, and now he began to wonder for how long Cloud had been suffering with this fever, and how often it reduced him to be in such a state.

_This is all my fault._

It was because of him that Cloud was suffering like this; Mejia was getting exactly what he wanted. Ratcliff was losing everyone he ever truly cared about, and he was powerless to stop it, especially when Shin-Ra was helping with that loss. To fight against Mejia was something he thought he could handle with his friends at his side, but to fight against Shin-Ra – it was impossible when he was now so alone. There was no Elici to give him confidence; there was no Graves to protect him. And now Cloud, who had been his hope and light, seemed to be slipping away.

If he couldn't protect Cloud any longer; if he were powerless against all the horrors that circled around them like vultures, waiting for them to fall, and to feed off them until nothing was left … then maybe the only thing he could do was be the one to distract those vultures. At least then Cloud could be the one to get away.

Yet, salvation seemed but a myth in their world. A fruitless endeavor would await Cloud if he were to run scared and alone. He wanted nothing more than to run with him, but Ratcliff knew he would only drag Cloud down. Maybe he could stay behind and watch Cloud for a little while, just until he almost disappeared out of his sight. He could try to make sure Cloud was safe for long enough, just until he got to where he was going. But … to where would Cloud run?

Finally Cloud gave a massive shudder after about an hour, and the pained look on his face relaxed as his fever seemed to break. Ratcliff tried to rouse him, running his hand across the boy's face tenderly, murmuring to him to try to get some sort of response out of him.

Cloud turned his face into Ratcliff's hand with a small whimper and murmured Zack's name.

Of course … he would run to Zack.

Ratcliff pulled his hand away.

Cloud wouldn't have to run very far, nor run for very long.

* * *

He awoke bleary-eyed and shivering. His clothes were damp as well as the hair that was stuck to his face, and even though he looked around he was unable to pull his thoughts together at first to determine anything.

Soon he realized that he was in the barracks, but it was empty. Where his barrack mates were, he didn't know. He felt a sudden strike of panic – was there a mission or an emergency, and had he slept in?

He didn't even know the time.

Cloud lifted his head a bit more, spotting Ratcliff sitting on Elici's bed. His knees were brought up to his chest, and his arms wrapped around his legs tightly. Cloud could barely see his eyes from Ratcliff's face being buried into his knees.

"Morning?" Cloud muttered, his voice weak and it took him by surprise. He felt sweat rolling down the back of his neck as he glanced around.

"Morning?" Ratcliff repeated into his knees. "Morning? Definitely not."

"Where's everyone? What happened?" Cloud propped himself up on his elbows with a bit of effort. He could feel a lingering pressure inside his head; he must have fallen asleep with a headache.

"You don't remember?" Ratcliff finally looked at him, his eyes wide and reddened. "You don't remember what happened!"

Cloud stared at him for a moment, stunned. What was he supposed to remember? They had their mission that went terribly, they came back to the building that had been attacked, then they came back to the barracks and …

"How could you not remember!" Ratcliff said before Cloud could respond; the confused look on Cloud's face must have given him his answer. "You got lost looking for a vending machine! I found you unconscious under a shitpile of rubble!"

Cloud said nothing as Ratcliff yelled, he only sat up fully and mimicked the position Ratcliff had been sitting in. Cloud buried his face in his knees.

"It's all my fault, yeah? This is all my fucking fault," Ratcliff muttered. "Everything. Elici, Graves … you, Zack. Because of me this shit is happening to everyone, yeah. If I had been stronger I could have handled Mejia, and this –" He thrust his hand out towards him in frustration. "– you wouldn't be getting lost and losing your fucking mind in a hallway! They're doing this to you, you know, yeah? Because of me."

Cloud suppressed the urge to sigh and roll his eyes, but he couldn't stop the irritation from coloring his tone. "No one is doing anything to me but my own damn self."

"How long do you think you were gone?" Ratcliff asked curtly.

"I-I don't know."

"An hour. An _hour _looking for a vending machine! And you were only four levels up, right around the corner from the stairs, yeah! How the hell could you have gotten 'lost' like that!"

"I-I don't know, all right? My headache was so bad; I couldn't think straight."

"I still can't believe you don't think they're poisoning you, yeah!"

"They're not!" Cloud said, his voice becoming louder. "They have faster and more efficient ways of disposing of us!"

Ratcliff's began to match. "Shin-Ra likes to play with their prey, Cloud. I know this! They're fucking with us to drive us crazy!"

Cloud buried his face back into his knees and muttered, "You got the crazy part right."

Ratcliff buried his face back into his knees as well, but said nothing.

The silence between them was thick, and both could tell that each wanted to say something to one another, but they didn't. Breaths would be taken in to speak and heads would turn, but words never came. Cloud mulled about how he had gotten lost and what had happened, and Ratcliff … well, Cloud was unsure what he was thinking. But whatever it was, it had to have been something worrisome.

But how _had_ he gotten lost? He remembered setting out on a search for a vending machine, but it had been difficult in the chaotic state of the building. There were a lack of signs, but even still … had he really been that close to the stairs? How long had he been walking in circles and trying to find a way back to them? Had he even been trying to find a way back? He couldn't remember …

And yet, a familiar hurt resided in his chest – one that was deep and self-inflicted; one that was the perfect mirror to the hurt on a face that had been haunting him for too long now – Zack.

The more that Cloud dwelled, the clearer the image became in his mind. He had been looking for a vending machine, but his head began to hurt more than it ever had in the past. With his body refusing to move, he couldn't even call out to Zack as he walked by, and as he looked directly at him with heartache unchanging.

Now he wished he had not remembered.

Ratcliff finally moved beside him, and the man swung his legs over the side of the bed and leaned against his knees. Cloud watched him from the corner of his eye.

"Do you think … that if we never met, that this would be happening?"

"What're you talking about?"

"I mean …" Ratcliff began, running a hand through his hair, "… if I were no longer here … would they stop messing with you, yeah? They'd have no more reason to do this if I left."

"Are you thinking of deserting …?"

"No."

Cloud dropped his knees and swung his legs over now, sitting on the very edge of the bunk. "Then what …?"

Ratcliff frowned, his eyes darting away. "Then what what?"

"What do you mean … if you were no longer here?"

"I don't know, Cloud. I'm speculating, yeah. I'm desperate and speculating because that's all I seem to be capable of doing. I have no other answers as to what the hell is going on with you. Getting lost and disorientated like that is not normal, yeah."

"This isn't your fault, Ratcliff. Whatever is going on with me is because of my past head injuries, not because of –"

"Which were caused by Mejia, because of me."

Cloud collapsed back down onto his bunk, frustrated and no longer having the energy to keep up with Ratcliff's self-loathing. Was this how Zack felt whenever he talked down about himself or was too stubborn to realize the truth of his words and actions?

Did he make Zack feel this helpless whenever they were together?

Cloud crawled underneath the covers of his bunk, and Ratcliff did the same. Nothing more was said.

* * *

He was unable to sleep throughout the night from a mind that raced. There was too much to think about to be able to sleep, even though it was what he desperately wanted.

He couldn't stop thinking about what Ratcliff had said. Shin-Ra playing with their prey was really not all that farfetched. He was more determined now to find out what Ratcliff knew about the company that he did not. He was tempted to wake the man and engage him in further conversation while the rest of the barrack slept, but for once it seemed as though Ratcliff was actually getting a decent night's sleep, so Cloud refrained.

When was the last time he himself got a decent night's sleep?

Yet another thing he couldn't remember.

Before Cloud realized, the lights above flickered on and Kunsel began shouting at everyone to wake up. The men roused and dressed with grumbles, and Cloud felt his bunk move as Ratcliff climbed down to join. When Cloud just couldn't seem to get up, he felt a hand on his shoulder and heard Kunsel's voice beside him telling him to wake.

Cloud forced himself up and winced. His shoulder was hurting from the day before, but he was pleasantly surprised to feel that the pressure in his head was gone upon standing. That was enough motivation to wash and dress himself. Being headache-free was almost enough to put a smile on his face, had he not been so disturbed over the events the previous night. As much as he tried not to, somewhere in the back of his mind he began to worry about himself.

His uniform no longer fit him, and he realized this when he passed by a full-length dressing mirror inside the locker room. His blouse billowed over his belt, and in fact his belt was on one of the very first notches. Even his leather gloves seemed loose on his hands. His pauldrons were certainly too big for him as of late, but now one of the straps were broken from the encounter with the Genesis Copy. He was going to need a new uniform, especially since Haskin seemed meticulous about their uniforms being in perfect order.

He looked closer in the mirror. Even his skin seemed dull and his eyes very tired. And when he glanced over to Ratcliff, who was slowly dressing himself in what looked like discomfort, he started to see how easily they could look like prey.

Could Shin-Ra really be poisoning the both of them?

He tore himself away from the mirror and walked over to Kunsel. The man was readying a seabag on his bunk with 2nd Class Luxiere standing beside him. They were engaged in a briefing, of which Kunsel was explaining the situation in the building and the orders their unit had received in the recovery effort.

Cloud caught his name as well as Ratcliff's being said as he approached, and he tried not to show his unease when Kunsel glanced at him.

Luxiere saluted Kunsel and exited the barracks.

Cloud started to explain about his uniform once Kunsel turned back to him, but Kunsel cut him off before he could even say anything.

"Damn, Strife. What the hell happened on that mission yesterday?" He reached over and tugged at the broken strap on Cloud's armor. "Looks like you got mobbed by girls or something."

"I need new armor."

"You need new everything," Kunsel said, looking his uniform up and down. "You're supposed to be growing, not shrinking."

Cloud forced a smile but ignored that. "Can you find me another?"

Kunsel shook his head with a frown. "It'll have to be specially ordered. You're already the smallest size there is. I can put in an order when I get back."

"Back? You're going on a mission?"

"Yeah, being sent out with Zack on a scouting mission to try and track those Genesis Copies. The Turks are being deployed too, so you have an easier chance at getting more info from Ratcliff."

Cloud pushed his thoughts past the mention of Zack. "I couldn't get much out of him last night. We … fell asleep."

"You guys looked beat. I don't blame you. That's why you two can take it easy again for the day. I put Luxiere in charge instead of Haskin," Kunsel said, a bit of bitterness in his voice; Cloud could tell Kunsel was starting to not like the man having any bit of authority. "And Luxiere knows not to put you two to work so you can rest." He tightened the drawstrings on the seabag and hoisted it over his shoulder with a grunt, then started to move to the double doors.

Cloud followed as Kunsel continued to speak. They exited the barracks into the empty hallway. It was still early, but Cloud could hear the muffled sounds of the surrounding barracks beginning to assemble and ready for their day.

"We should be back Friday night, maybe Saturday morning. This will probably be your last chance in a long while to talk with Ratcliff. Make good use of your time."

The elevator dinged at the end of the hallway and they both looked to see Zack exiting. Cloud looked away immediately and began to inch his way back into the barracks, unaware that the door had opened as Ratcliff had started to follow him out there.

Zack must have spotted them both, for the man stopped and didn't approach any further.

Kunsel let out a frustrated growl, donning his helmet over his head. He didn't say anything at first; he merely observed as Cloud was becoming more uncomfortable by the second, Ratcliff ducked back into the barrack, and Zack took no effort to come over and greet them like he normally would.

"Seriously, what the hell is going on with that guy?" Kunsel finally muttered.

Cloud shrugged his shoulders, and his broken strap caused one of his pauldrons to completely slip off. He left it hanging at his side. "Don't know."

"Maybe he was dumped or something. He certainly has the look of losing someone he loved, doesn't he? Like an ignored dog who made the mistake of chewing a pair of his master's shoes."

Cloud was looking no where in Zack's direction. "Yeah. He does."

"Well, maybe his lover will come around eventually. Love – it's a scary thing, but it can also be unprejudiced. Everyone deserves someone, you know? No matter their faults or their decisions," Kunsel said, turning and placing Cloud's pauldron back where it belonged with a light pat. "In the end, I hope she gives him that chance again. I bet she'd be happy if she did." He suddenly snorted. "Well, she or _he._"

"H-He!"

Kunsel now reached up and ruffled Cloud's hair with a chuckle and started to walk off. "See ya Friday, Cloud."

Cloud finally looked up, watching them leave towards the elevators. He caught Zack glancing back his way, and in his mind Zack would turn and flash him that smile before leaving. In his mind they would share a secret moment of something more than friendship – perhaps a wink or a coy grin, _something _to symbolize their feelings and their history together. In Cloud's mind, whatever that little moment shared would take away Zack's pain, and take away his own. It would let them both know that everything was going to be all right.

But all he saw was Zack leaving without anything more.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Cloud took off running towards him, the sound of his frantic footsteps causing both Kunsel and Zack to turn in surprise. He caught a swirl of emotions on Zack's face – confused, expectant, even scared; and that was everything that Cloud was feeling as he neared.

Zack reached out and grabbed his shoulders to stop him from colliding into his chest. And just that single touch after being away from each other for so long nearly sent Cloud into hysterics. He panted and muttered, trying to form thousands of things to say to him, but couldn't speak as fast as his mind was turning.

Kunsel chuckled a little, and Cloud heard him mutter to Zack that he would see him on the helipad when he was ready, but not to take too long. He then left in the elevator.

"Cloud, I don't have the time right now," Zack said before Cloud could get anything out.

"B-but, Z-Zack … pl-please."

"Cloud," he said quietly, "I have to go. Now."

"Z-Zack..."

"I'm sorry." The muscles in Zack's arms flexed to let go, but he didn't. He was reluctant, even as Ratcliff reappeared from behind slowly.

"I-It's not what you think," Cloud finally got out, no matter how clumsy it may have sounded. "You know I-I would never … I could never … I mean, R-Ratcliff and I, we're just f-friends –"

Ratcliff stopped at a respectable distance, but not far enough to be unable to hear everything.

"I-I wanna talk. Please. Let's talk now. D-don't go."

"I know, Cloud. I know," Zack murmured almost sweetly, but there were still hints of hurt in his voice.

Zack's phone beeped, and his fingers tightened on Cloud's shoulders.

"We'll talk tomorrow. I'll be back then," he said, despite Cloud shaking his head repeatedly in protest.

"B-but –"

"Tomorrow," Zack said, and a new expression was on his face now – one that filled Cloud with a bit of hope. It was one that yearned to lean in to kiss him, to capture his lips as his once again, to let go of that hurt … and Cloud looked the same.

The sound of men exiting their barracks burst through the silence in the hallway, and Zack's phone started to ring not seconds later. They both pulled away awkwardly, and Zack left in the elevator.

Cloud waited until the hallway was clear again, unmoving and refusing to step to the side as his barrack mates were forced to walk around him. Some pushed him a little as he blocked the path to the elevators, others ignored him. When they all finally disappeared, Cloud broke down, sobbing silently.

Ratcliff only watched from behind as Cloud's shoulders shook. He did nothing to console him.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Fifty-Three: Crumbling Secrets.

Ending Author's Note: Ugh, Nodin you are so strange. Again, that was my roleplay OC who has an unhealthy obsession with the vending machines in Shin-Ra. XD

lol Whenever I reread the part where Cloud explains that he got lost, and Ratcliff says "Lost?" I always hear his voice in my head like Angela in Silent Hill 2.

**h t t p : / / www. youtube. com / watch?v=5SfhtIjxZmg**

Hurray for horrible voice acting!

Fan-art time...again!

Lady-yuna7 drew such an adorable chibi picture of Ratcliff and Cloud all happy and holding hands! It's so darling! (Remove the spaces in the web address, or visit my profile for the link!):

**h t t p : / / lady-yuna7. deviantart. com/ art/ Ratcliff-and-Cloud-215722652**

And BeforeTheMomentGirl drew several more pieces of fan-art!

This one is of Ratcliff sleeping...so adorable!

**h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. deviantart. com/ art/ Ratcliff-Sleeping-214468820**

This one is of the same picture, but with more detail and some pretty leaves! I love this version:

**h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. deviantart. com/ art/ Ratcliff-sleeping-2-214468807**

And omfg she altered a usable base to turn it into Mejia and Ratcliff gettin' it on. If you don't like explicit pictures, I suggest NOT looking at it. It's very dirty. LOL

**h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. deviantart. com/ art/ MejiaXRatcliff-216274503**

And then for lady-yuna7's birthday, she drew Mejia in various ways to kill him because yuna hates Mejia that much. Lol Here it is for the lulz:

**h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. deviantart. com/ art/ Present-2-Ways-to-kill-Mejia-217110713**

BeforeTheMomentGirl has also created a Ratcliff plushie (about five inches tall...so cute!) and has made several outfits for him. Those can be found in my favorites gallery on deviantART if you want to check those out. There's too pictures of it to list here. Here's the link to the gallery that also contains all Malady fan-art from the past:

**h t t p : / / lagunanojutsu. deviantart. com/ favourites/ 39340720**

It might be easier to look through that gallery for all the fan-art than to copy and paste all these links that I've provided. Whichever way is easiest for you. And again, most of these are in my profile here as well.

Anyway, a bit of Clack … not what everyone was hoping for, but that'll be sooner than you think. Trust me. :3

Unfortunately that sooner than you think just means chapter-wise. Not time-wise. I need to put this story on hold for a while, I'm sorry to say. I've just learned that my dad has cancer and so a lot of my free time has been going to visit him. I've also injured my neck at work and now one of my arms is going numb and weak, so I'm not sure if I've injured the disks and spinal cord like how I did my lower back. Another malady to add to the already staggering list of personal maladies I have. If it turns out to be my disks, I'm unsure what will happen. I could possibly need surgery. I swear to Gaia if it's not one thing it's another.

But yes, I think I need to take a bit of a hiatus. I haven't even finished the next chapter yet, to tell the truth. I don't know when I will be able. I know what's going to happen at the end, I just can't seem to write it. It's very difficult. So as for right now, I can't give the date of the next update. It will be on a Tuesday of course, but as to which Tuesday in which month I am unsure. If this story is not on your alerts yet, I'd suggest to do so. Or you can always bug me via message, on deviantART, e-mail, Twitter, LiveJournal, wtfever, for the date of the next update.

I'm really sorry about this, everyone. But I can't seem to concentrate lately with all this stuff going on, especially the stuff going on with my dad. I hope you all understand and will be patient. Thank you for your support...all of you.

-Ziggy


	53. Chapter FiftyThree: Crumbling Secrets

Chapter Fifty-Three: Crumbling Secrets

* * *

Friday finally came, and Cloud was back to listening to Ratcliff's appointment through the walls and vents of the psychologist's office. The psychologist was back to hovering around the couch in the event that Cloud began to topple. She lectured him for a few minutes in the beginning, but she knew there was not much that she could do to stop him once again. She spent that time darting back and forth between the couch and her desk.

After about twenty minutes the psychologist had slipped out of the office saying that she would be back shortly, and for Cloud to not fall down before she returned. He responded with a disinterested grunt as she walked out.

Cloud was able to hear much better once she left. While she tried to stay as quiet as possible, she still had work to do. Cloud could respect that, but now without her movement in the office it was much easier to hear. There were a lot of mumbles that floated through, a few peaks of louder words here and there, but not enough for Cloud to string the words together to form full sentences. It wasn't until he began to catch familiar words that had been uttered the time before did he start to catch on.

_Town._

_ Mountain._

_ Mako reactor._

But _s_omething else was being repeated now. Over and over again. It came steadily, but it was in a tone that was far from suggesting. It was a dominating tone.

_You._

'You can', maybe?

He listened more. He was thankful that the psychologist had left; it was all coming clearer now.

'You can' what?

He strained. He closed his eyes, held his breath, stopped moving. He did whatever he could to hear the repeating phrase.

"You can end this."

Cloud pulled away from the vent. "You can end this?" he muttered to himself, beginning to repeat it like how Dr. Bleier had been doing, as though doing so would give him a better understanding. He lowered down onto the couch, confused and skeptical over what he had heard. He sat there for a long time, repeating the words to himself in mutters.

The psychologist eventually returned. She must have known that he had skipped lunch to make it to the appointment again for she came back carrying familiar foam containers from the mess hall – one for her, and one for him.

"Come eat," she said in her motherly way, setting one of the containers on her desk and motioning for him to sit in her chair. "Cloud?"

He stood and obeyed, in too much of a daze to deny her. As he walked around her and sat down in her chair, her eyes trailed on him the entire time.

"Part of the kitchen in the mess hall was damaged from the attack, so this was all I was able to get for us. I hope you like mac and cheese," she said, taking one of the containers and sitting down on the couch. "I could hear your stomach growling this entire time. You really should eat."

Cloud hummed a response, staring into the closed container with the words still in his head.

"Cloud?"

He hummed again but didn't glance up at her or begin to eat.

"What happened? What did you hear?"

He finally lifted his head, his mouth opening to tell her but nothing came out. Had he really heard that right? He must have been mistaken. He mulled it around in his head again.

"Nothing," he said.

The psychologist stared at him for a moment before leaving it at that and motioned for him to begin to eat.

They ate in silence at first, both listening to the muffled murmurs of Dr. Bleier speaking and to Cloud's stomach growling. He started to look at the various things on her desk. He had never stopped to really look at them while he worked in that office, nor when he was there for his sessions. She had a few photographs of her son sitting in frames on the desk, but one frame in particular caught his eye.

It was of the psychologist and her son in her arms as an infant – the mass of blond hair on the infant's head made it quite apparent that it was him. She looked incredible, beaming with a joy he had never seen her emit. She looked younger, happier. Beside her in the picture stood a good-looking man in what appeared to be in his mid thirties. His arm was wrapped around the psychologist's shoulder, and he too looked just as happy. Cloud stared at it for a while, but then leaned in close when he noticed the man was wearing a Shin-Ra ID badge on his hip.

"Your husband worked for Shin-Ra?"

The psychologist stopped eating and placed her fork down in the container. A pained look twitched onto her face for just a moment, but she slowly smiled and looked at him with understanding. "He did," she said with a nod. "He was an engineer in the RED department."

The Reactor Engineering Development department was a classified and coveted department, Cloud knew. Along with SOLDIER, the Investigative department, and the Science department, Shin-Ra upheld this department to be of an utmost importance. It was one of the departments that helped shape Shin-Ra to be the company and empire that it was now, and even had caused a war between Shin-Ra and Wutai. But life without the mako reactors throughout the whole Planet would have been much more primitive. RED was Shin-Ra's bread and butter.

"He hadn't been working for Shin-Ra for many years," she continued. "He had just barely finished his internship when we first met." She chuckled to herself, nostalgic. "He was so shy."

Cloud studied the man's face. He did have a reserved look in his eye, but Cloud could hardly tell when he was standing next to his wife and smiling that wide. They must have been a happy family before he died.

"I met him in the mess hall, you know," the psychologist said, almost excitedly. "He was holding up the line trying to decide on which flavor dessert to get." She smiled a knowing smile at Cloud, who only stared back at her. "Strawberry or cherry? Seems to be the general dilemma." Her smile faltered a little when he continued to give her that blank look. "Sound familiar?"

It didn't, but Cloud forced himself to smile politely and nod.

"He was in charge of designing improved siphons and turbines for the reactors, among other classified projects," she continued again. "He was always coming up with brilliant new ideas, and he was always working even when he wasn't supposed to be working. Oftentimes he'd bring his work home to the dinner table. He was very dedicated."

They took a few more bites of their meal, and the psychologist watched as Cloud studied the picture. Dr. Bleier's voice was still coming through the vent steadily.

"M-may I ask … what …" Cloud trailed off.

The psychologist set her lunch to the side and brushed her lap of crumbs that were not there. She then cleared her throat and removed her glasses, folding them and hanging them on the front of her blouse. Her eyes met his as she shifted a bit on the couch and prepared herself for what she knew Cloud wanted to ask; she prepared herself for giving the answer, as well.

"You want to know what happened to my husband. It's okay to ask, Cloud."

"I-I just … didn't want to pry."

"I pry you all the time while you're the one to sit on this couch," she said simply.

Cloud smiled a little.

"I don't know all the details," she began, and Cloud noticed that she casually grabbed that beaded pillow and set it in her lap before continuing. "I just know that he was approached by the head of the Science department and asked to design something specific for research inside a reactor. He wasn't allowed to talk about it, not even with me. It was highly classified, but a lot of his work usually was.

"But whatever he had been working on … whatever it was … it was stressing him out." She fell silent for a while, staring off into a bookcase against the wall, her eyes narrowing unconsciously as Dr. Bleier's voice peaked and fell again with certain words. They could hear bits of Ratcliff's voice as well now. "Stress isn't the right word," she mumbled, as though to herself. "_Disturbed_."

"Disturbed?"

She looked at Cloud again, a deep frown on her face. "He told me that he wanted no part in it, and voiced that to both the Science department and the RED department as well. But they wouldn't let him off the project. It was disturbing him physically, emotionally … morally," she muttered, shaking her head. "I tried to counsel him, but he refused. It was like it was eating him alive."

"What do you think it was?"

"I don't know," she said sadly, and Cloud could see her swallowing a few times. "I even tried to see him on a professional level when he became worse, but he wouldn't. I appealed the idea of forcing him through an official order to those in charge of both the medical and science departments. I even went to the head, Professor Hojo, about it, but it was all denied."

"So he just suffered on his own without help? Is that why he committed–"

"No," she said quickly, bitterly. "He was ordered to be evaluated by my colleague, Dr. Bleier."

Their gaze met again. Her eyes were full of tears.

Cloud dropped his fork roughly and pushed himself away from the desk. "A-and he k-killed himself after?"

She was growing horribly pale. "I didn't think anything of it at first, Cloud." Her voice was beginning to tremble. "I trusted Bleier. He told me afterward that my husband couldn't handle the pressures of work and home life, and that's why he did it. I couldn't believe it at first, so I checked Bleier's reports. All had details backing up what he had stated. I-I still don't want to believe it, but after what started happening with Mr. Ratcliff's behavior and how similar it was to my husband's …"

Cloud's breath began to quicken as things fell into place in his mind. "Do you know … which reactor he was assigned for the project?"

The psychologist swallowed, and after a long pause she choked out, "Nibelheim, I think."

He stood in a panic and rushed over to the thermostat mindlessly. He turned on the air conditioner to drown out Dr. Bleier's voice. When he turned back to the psychologist, she was staring at him with an expression that was pleading.

"Cloud, tell me … what did you hear earlier?"

He looked away as she stood and took a few steps toward him. He just shook his head.

"Please. Tell me."

She reached up and touched his arm. The words tumbled from his lips.

"'You can end this'," he whispered.

The psychologist began to tremble. She backed away with eyes wide and mouth agape.

"Ma'am?" he asked slowly, watching as she felt around for the couch behind her as she moved. She found the arm of the couch and lowered herself down onto the cushions, her knees visibly quaking as she sat, and her eyes never left his. "A-Are you okay?"

She began to weep.

He watched her, pain growing in his chest. What he could do or what he could say for her was impossible for him to know. All he could think of doing was grabbing the box of tissues from her desk. He shuffled over, moving that beaded pillow aside to sit down beside her closely. He offered the tissues to her.

She didn't take it. She only cried harder, cupping her face with her hands.

He pushed the box a little closer, wanting to say something, but nothing came.

"E-excuse me, C-Cloud," she eventually said through sobs.

Cloud nodded and stood, setting the box down beside her should she need it. "O-okay … um … o-okay," he said clumsily, his own voice shaking now. "I … I … okay." He hesitated, unsure if he should move to the other side of the room or leave entirely.

He didn't want to leave her to cry like that alone if he didn't have to.

"Please, a m-moment."

He left, shutting the door behind him and still listening to her increasing sobs. He leaned against the door, trying to compose his own emotions but finding it very hard.

The office door beside the psychologist's suddenly opened, and he turned to see Ratcliff staring at him, looking haggard.

"Hey, Cloud," he said, almost with hints of sadness. "Wanna get some food or somethin', yeah?"

Cloud stared back at him incredulously.

Ratcliff exited the office towards him, and Dr. Bleier followed.

His heart began to race as he looked at the older man. He was tall, looming over Ratcliff as he walked behind him. Weathered, wrinkled skin surrounded beady eyes in ripples, like wind-blown sands in a desert. Thick eyebrows were petrified stones above those eyes, casting shadows down his face, giving him a darkened appearance. His jowls were sunken, dragging the corners of his wide mouth down with their weight, permanently displaying an intense frown. What little white hair he had in his older age was sparse and slicked back with heavy gel, giving his scalp a shiny appearance that reflected the lights from above, further darkening his face. His entire appearance seemed to grip Cloud's chest in intimidation.

Any composure Cloud had managed to gather was gone the instant Dr. Bleier made eye contact with him and acknowledged him with a nod. Cloud was frozen in place.

"Let's go, yeah?" Ratcliff said, still with that sadness, seemingly unaware that Dr. Bleier was standing behind him as though his silent shadow. "It's been a while since it was just me and you."

They shouldn't be talking. They shouldn't be near each other under the circumstances. Should he respond? Should he play Ratcliff off like he hardly knew him? After everything that had been built up to keep things secret was now crumbling as Ratcliff spoke to him.

The psychologist's crying seemed to get louder. Cloud forced himself to finally speak to drown it out, even if his voice was weak and frightened.

"O-okay … um … okay."

Ratcliff held his arm out, ushering him along. "C'mon, yeah?"

He jerked forward, but jerked back again and thumped against the door.

"What's wrong with you, yeah?" Ratcliff grabbed him by the arm and tugged him forward.

Cloud went with him, stiffening as he passed by Dr. Bleier, who stood unmoving beside them. He had only made it a few steps past down the hall before Dr. Bleier's deep voice stopped him.

"Young man?"

They both stopped and he turned slowly, seeing that Dr. Bleier was now staring with those beady eyes at the psychologist's door. Ratcliff's grip on Cloud's arm tightened.

"Is everything all right with Sandra?"

Cloud couldn't stop his eyes from widening, nor from his voice from squeaking as he spoke. "U-Um … I think she just got some bad news, is all."

"I see. Thank you – Mr. Strife, was it?"

He reluctantly nodded. Ratcliff began to pull him along again.

Dr. Bleier turned back towards his office. "Enjoy your meal, gentlemen." He slipped back inside, shutting the door with a heavy click.

* * *

_"I'll give you all the time you need, Cloud. I've told you before that I'll wait for you." _

He had meant it, and he had been waiting. Every painful moment apart had been in wait for Cloud to come around. But when he finally did, when his love had finally come back to him begging to speak with him …

_ "Cloud, I don't have the time right now."_

Zack felt like he had broken his promise.

He had been so confused and blindsided as Cloud approached him after almost a month of avoiding. It was the moment he had been _waiting_ for, but when it finally arrived his priorities were sent into disarray.

The helicopter could have waited. Shin-Ra could have waited. The damn Genesis Copies could have waited. The whole Planet could have waited if it meant to talk things out with Cloud.

But now he was in that impatient helicopter far away from being able to mend anything. He was reduced to again sitting in wait and dwelling on everything that had happened.

All along he knew in his heart that what had happened with Cloud and Ratcliff wasn't what it seemed. At least, on Cloud's behalf. He wasn't so sure about Ratcliff's behavior, but as many times as Zack had played that scene out in his head, each time he was reminded of how panicked Cloud had looked as Ratcliff drew near before Zack had interrupted them.

Yet it took a while for his anger towards the both of them to dwindle. The more that Cloud avoided him, and the more times he saw Cloud and Ratcliff together, only helped to keep that dying flame of anger smoldering just a bit.

He had a hard time coming up with an explanation for when he saw them in the elevator. Cloud's clothes were a mess as well as his hair, and Ratcliff too looked disheveled. What had they been doing?

Maybe Ratcliff had tried kissing him again, or _worse. _Cloud could have fended him off and that was why they both looked a mess, but when Zack had thought about it, Cloud's boots weren't on properly. Zack highly doubted that Ratcliff would remove his boots if he were trying to get at him, let alone get at him in an elevator.

Maybe they had been sparring together, or training in the gym?

That would have made much more sense than Cloud having _cheated_, or Ratcliff having tried to take advantage of him.

Yet whatever Zack came up with only served to make his chest hurt.

Nothing was making sense.

He had not realized that he had been in that helicopter for a while now, and he and Kunsel sat together in a thick silence to their destination. Kunsel had tried to ask him what Cloud had wanted before they departed, but when he shook his head without explanation it only caused Kunsel to ask what was going on with _him._

He couldn't tell him, and he was quite surprised that Kunsel hadn't figured it out yet, given the man's invasive nature. Perhaps he had it figured out, but he only wanted Zack to talk with him about it on his own, considering that that was what friends were for. Somehow Zack just couldn't bring himself to admit that not only did he have a gay relationship and it was with Cloud, but that he ruined that relationship. It had been the only relationship that had fully meant something to him, and one that he could say he truly loved.

Kunsel spoke after a while, causing Zack to jump after such a long time of silence. He easily masked his reaction by shifting in his seat and adjusting his aviation headset over his ears, but with the momentary smirk on Kunsel's face, Zack was sure he had caught that.

"I wish you'd tell me what the hell's the matter."

"It's nothin' to worry about," Zack said with a small shrug.

"Well, if you ever wanna talk about whatever's bugging you, I'm here. Seems like everyone is troubled, especially after what happened with Graves. I know that hit both Cloud and Ratcliff really hard, so I figured it did you too. You know, aside from the girl troubles that I think you're having."

"Graves?" Zack narrowed his eyes at Kunsel, his head tilting to the side. "What do you mean? I know he went AWOL, but …"

"He was KIA," Kunsel said slowly, as though Zack should have already known this.

"Graves?" he said in disbelief. "Killed? W-when?"

"I don't know exactly. Around the time you were sent out to track those Wutai spies."

He raced his mind back through the last few weeks and months. He tried to assemble a timeline of everything that had happened. His thoughts revisited his last conversation with him which had been in Costa del Sol, and over and over again he began to mentally kick himself – _hate_ himself – for having let the man pass him.

"They never told you what happened in Nibelheim?" Kunsel asked, studying the pained look that was surely on Zack's face.

He shook his head multiple times before he was even able to answer. It was around the time when he had told Cloud he loved him. It was around the time that Cloud's lies seemed to become thick. Was this the reason why Cloud had been acting so strange and bothered? Was this the reason why he told lie after lie? Why would he choose to grieve alone like that? Why wouldn't Cloud share the pain with him, like he did when Elici had died?

Cloud must have truly believed that they were formed on a foundation of pity.

"No," Zack eventually said. "Neither told me anything."

"Are you serious? I thought Cloud would at least tell you, if anyone."

"He didn't. He … doesn't tell me a lot of things."

Kunsel scoffed. "That's Cloud for you. He tries to be so secretive. And to all the wrong people."

Zack looked away and out the window of the helicopter. Not only had Cloud been hiding this, but Ratcliff, too, had been keeping this from him. Why would they leave him in the dark? He wasn't sure if he should be sad or angry, or even offended.

"Well, Ratcliff was sent out on a mission to find Graves several months back with a few others. Allegedly they encountered him in Nibelheim and Ratcliff was given the order to shoot him."

Zack frowned. That would explain a few things about Ratcliff's behavior, but not everything.

"But … I dunno, bro. Something strange has been going on."

"Strange? How do you mean?"

"With Ratcliff, I mean."

Zack looked at him with eyes wide.

"He's been acting really off. Really, _really_ off."

"I haven't seen him much. I've noticed a few things different about him in the time that I have," Zack said, hiding the bitterness in his voice. "But I didn't know what happened. Maybe he's just distraught because he had to kill his friend."

Kunsel shook his head and motioned for Zack to remove his aviation headset so the pilot couldn't hear their conversation over the radio.

Zack obeyed, leaning forward so Kunsel could place his mouth to his ear.

"Shin-Ra's up to something. I don't know what, but you know damn well it can't be good."

They pulled away, staring at each other intently.

The pilot started to speak to them over the headset before Zack could ask more questions, and their helicopter began to descend. They donned their headsets again and received intelligence about the Genesis Copies, as well as coordinates locating them. Neither of which Zack had paid any attention.

He could comprehend nothing but the shambles his thoughts were in, and he knew nothing but the yearning he felt to get back to Midgar and see Cloud, and even Ratcliff.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Fifty-Four: Broken Promise.

Ending Author's Note: A DETAILED PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION OF A CHARACTER? FROM ZIGGY? WHAT IS THIS WIZARDRY?

Um...yeah, I never bothered describing my OCs in this story because I originally didn't plan for them to play such a role. So this is why Bleier gets a detailed description, unlike everyone else who is/was more important. C: Teehee.

BUT!

It has been too, too long. Hello, everyone! I hope you all didn't lose patience or interest in this story. It's been almost four months since I last updated, and I cannot believe I went that long. Things in my life have been turned upside down. While I'm happy to report that my dad is doing much better with his cancer (thank you to all the well-wishers!) my health has gone down the crapper. Turns out that my neck injury is pretty scary, and I've actually had to get an attorney to help me along in the mess because … well, it's just that messy. I don't want to go into too much detail, but let's just say that with my neck injury, I could very well be paralyzed...*cough*it could also kill me if things get worse*cough*. Currently my arms are weak and sorta tingly, but I can give anyone a thumb's up just fine, and certainly can flip anyone off just as well. LOL So I hope I'm far away from being paralyzed...*cough*or dead*cough*...

It has made things a bit difficult with concentrating, and I said that I would update when I was done with chapter fifty-six, but I'm not even done with fifty-five yet after all this time. I really wanted to give you all an update, however, even if it is a short one. Not much happened, but a bit of light has been shed on the current plot.

Lesse, what else? Heh … tons of fan-art. Yes … while Malady was sleeping, the fans certainly were not. Prepare yourself for quite a list of fan-art to check out!

First off, Vallentyne of deviantART. com digipainted a GORGEOUS piece from Chapter Eight: Color of Existence. OMG it's so beautiful and sad! Copy and paste this link into your browser, and delete the spaces I've made to view!

H t t p : / / vallentyne. Deviantart. com/ art/ Color-of-Existence-252879574

Mahado/Chibi-BB of both fanfiction. net and deviantART. com has draw two adorable and sexy pieces! The first is just a general Malady fan-art:

h t t p : / / chibi-bb. Deviantart. com/ art/ I-will-always-call-you-Angel-254079167

While the second is from the shower scene in Chapter Twenty-Six: No Strings Attached:

h t t p : / / chibi-bb. Deviantart. com/ art/ Cloud-under-the-shower-X3-254392878

Mahado also made two super cute animated icons of both Ratcliff and Graves! I love them so much!

Graves: h t t p : / / chibi-bb. Deviantart. com/ art/ Graves-icon-255178979

Ratcliff: h t t p : / / chibi-bb. Deviantart. com/ art/ Ratcliff-confess-icon-255900246

Ratcliff is so, so cute! *flail*

And for those CloudxRatcliff lovers, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE OUT THERE WHO SUPPORT THEM MORE THAN ZACKXCLOUD (SERIOUSLY!), BeforeTheMomentGirl of deviantART. com has written a Malady fan-story about those two. A fan-story of a fan-story...it's like fan-fiception!

H t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. Deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-fanstory-A-new-start-261377668

It's based in the Advent Children setting, and like a what-if type story that has all the game characters, as well as some of her own original characters.

She also altered a base and created a cover picture to the story here:

h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. Deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-fanstory-full-pic-261381685

That's it for the fan stuff! Remember that all my fan-art is also listed in my profile with actual, clickable links!

Oh! I caved and got a tumblr account, for those who are on tumblr. I post a Clack picture a day. C:

www. ziggypasta. Tumblr. Com

I think that's all the news and stuff I have to share. I might be forgetting something, so forgive me if I am.

Again, thank you so much to all that read this story, and have stuck around after almost four months of no update. I've gotten a lot of new readers lately, but I hope my old have stayed and are still enjoying this story. Currently, I really can't say when I'll update next, but my goal is to update chapter 55 as a Christmas gift to all of you, so expect the next chapter to be updated between now and then. I really, really hope I can do this! *pushes sleeves up*

OH! And again I was bad with responding to reviews, but I promise I will respond this time! THAT'S A ZIGGY PROMISE …

… because I think I might be getting off work for a long, long time soon because of all my spinal problems (more surgery, yay...) so I'll have all the time in the world to respond and write again...

...and draw, because I've admittedly been doing a lot of that lately. Hehehe...

I'LL SHUT UP NOW. I'VE JUST BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG THAT I MISS WRITING MY INSANELY LONG AUTHOR'S NOTES, AND I MISS ALL OF YOU!


	54. Chapter FiftyFour: Broken Promise

Chapter Fifty-Four: Broken Promise

* * *

Cloud followed Ratcliff through Sector 8 at several paces behind. He couldn't keep up with the man as he kept on darting into restaurants, but then immediately darted back out, unsatisfied. After about four restaurants Cloud was able to get an answer out of him as to why he was changing his mind.

"Too many people. Don't know who could be watching," he muttered, then stalked past down the street.

Again he darted out of three more restaurants. By the tenth restaurant they were already near Sector 7, and so they walked several blocks until they reached it to continue on Ratcliff's hunt.

Another two … another three …

Cloud finally seized Ratcliff's shoulder before he was able to enter yet another restaurant, and Cloud couldn't stop himself from sounding both irritated and exhausted as he spoke. "I think that's enough. I doubt we're being followed."

"You don't know that, yeah."

"I do. Kunsel said the Turks would be busy tracking the Genesis Copies."

Ratcliff seemed to mull this around for a bit, shifting on his feet and glancing around to the surrounding businesses. He too was looking tired in their search, and both their stomachs were complaining aloud with Cloud.

"Fine. In here."

Cloud followed him into what he hoped was the last restaurant they would enter.

It was a shabby little place, maybe _cozy_ if one could try to argue, but the air inside was warm and smelled of decent food, which was what they both needed. And it was empty, which was what they especially needed.

They were led to a table and seated by a hostess that barely gave them a second glance as she handed them their menus. Normally they would have found that to be rude, but the fact that she seemed to care less if they were there meant one less suspected spy in their paranoid minds. After a few moments a bored-looking waiter brought them tea without asking if they wanted any, took their orders with an uninterested stance, and then walked off. At least he had been quick about it.

"Satisfied?" Cloud asked once the waiter ducked into the kitchen area and out of sight.

"For now, yeah."

"Look, Ratcliff, we really need to talk."

Ratcliff ignored him, fiddling with the small teapot until the bag was deposited in and dunked a few times. "Your mom makes really good tea," he said, his tone evasive.

"My mom?"

"Yeah, met her when I was in Nibelheim. She's a lovely woman. Very pretty, yeah."

The blush on Cloud's face went ignored as well, thankfully.

"Her rose tea with the cinnamon … it was so cute, yeah."

Cloud snorted, shaking his head. "Not when you grow up with it and it's the only thing to drink in the house sometimes. I used to beg for soda."

Ratcliff laughed a little, but it sounded distant. "Well, I liked it, yeah. She's a very gracious woman."

"I guess."

"Graves met her too, yeah. She told me."

Cloud was silent, staring down into his empty teacup. He debated if this were a good time to bring it up, and eventually decided it was as good a time as any, especially since Ratcliff was the one to bring up both Nibelheim and Graves. He wiggled in his chair, mumbling a thanks as Ratcliff poured him a cup of tea.

"What really happened there?" he asked when Ratcliff was done.

The man cursed under his breath as he poured too much in his own, and the tea spilled over the cup and onto the saucer. He became conveniently distracted with cleaning up the mess he had made.

"You invited me out. You brought this up. You need to talk about it."

Ratcliff tossed a napkin to the side when he was done blotting the area around his saucer, and he hung his head, staring down into his lap for a very long time. "I watched Graves die right in my arms, Cloud," he muttered.

"You were ordered, Ratcliff. It's either obey or get punished."

"No, it wasn't on an order, yeah." Ratcliff said, shaking his head. His eyes crept up to meet Cloud's nervously. "I lied."

"Lied? Was it an accident?"

Ratcliff was quiet again until he gained up the courage to speak, and when he did, it was in complete, confessing detail about what really had happened on the entire mission. He told Cloud about how they had been tracking Graves from town to town, and how they had even interviewed his uncle in Corel to find him. He told Cloud about how Haskin and Luxiere were so adamant about finding him that they changed their tactic to focus not on trailing Graves, but on Mejia and where he could have gone. They felt that wherever Mejia had run, Graves would surely follow.

Through a cracking voice and tears Ratcliff then told Cloud about how they were led to Nibelheim, how they searched the town for him, and the only lead that he was able to find was through Cloud's own mother which led him to the mako reactor on Mt. Nibel with the boy, Pawn. He recounted the smell and eerie glow of the mako coming from strange pods installed inside. He spoke of horrendous and unworldly monsters trapped in them, showing fading signs that they were once human.

And Casey Graves had been among those monsters, disfigured and no longer.

"He was trapped in some … p-pod thing," Ratcliff said, his voice barely audible. "Test, experiments ... I don't know who or what could have done that to him, yeah … but the p-pod had some sort of l-life support, Cloud. I-I opened it … and he died. I k-killed him trying to save him. I wanted nothing more than to run away."

Ratcliff never looked up as he spoke to see if Cloud were soaking this in, if he were believing him, or even if he were crying. Maybe he didn't need to look at him to know.

"A monster?" Cloud whispered, each word shaking with disbelief. "Graves … a monster? Wh-who could have put him in there?"

Ratcliff shook his head grimly, eyes staring intently into his tea. "He was chasing Mejia … maybe he had something to do with it."

"M-Mejia wouldn't be able to get in there, Ratcliff."

"I got in there, didn't I?"

Cloud fell quiet.

"Think about it. How'd he get like that to begin with, yeah? We were the first unit to be sent out to find him. None of us did that to him, Cloud. _Someone_ had to've gotten to him before we did, yeah."

"But … Mejia is dead …"

"When did he die exactly?"

"I don't know–"

"Who reported him dead?"

"I don't know–"

"Who killed him?"

"Ratcliff …"

"Shin-Ra did, yeah. That's who. All it takes is one phone call from one fat cat, and lies can be turned into truth, yeah!"

They suddenly forced themselves quiet and seemingly normal as their waiter served them, but neither made a move to eat once he walked away. Whatever composure they gathered then quickly crumbled.

"I can't take it anymore, Cloud," Ratcliff said desperately, voice hoarse. "Every week he takes me back there … reliving it. It's torture."

"H-he? Bleier?" Cloud whispered again, his eyes never leaving Ratcliff's body as the man's head sunk down into his hands.

Ratcliff nodded, his fingertips curling into his temples as they remained hiding his face. "Shin-Ra's trying to get some sort of confession out of me, I know it, yeah. Pawn too. Th-they don't have proof that we entered the reactor and saw what we saw. That's why they're ordering me to see h-him, yeah."

"They're doing this to you," Cloud took several breaths to calm himself, "… to get a _confession_?"

Ratcliff nodded again, removing one hand to blindly push a napkin to Cloud when tears silently spilled over. "M-Me and Pawn … we were able to get G-Graves back into that pod and get ourselves out of the reactor in time, yeah. H-Haskin wasn't given clearance to enter after he ordered us back to the inn, but he still reported his suspicions. We left in the morning … I-I don't think he ever got inside, yeah. B-but that doesn't mean the T-Turks didn't investigate afterwards."

Cloud didn't take the napkin and instead wiped his eyes with his shaking hand. "How did you even get in in the first place?"

"Texted Kunsel," Ratcliff said quietly. "He got the code somehow, yeah."

"That's … that's just …" Cloud fell silent, unable to form any words that would come close to the repulsion he was feeling.

"Dr. B-Bleier has tried and tried again, yeah … b-but it's not like it's some m-magical truth serum, yeah," Ratcliff continued. "When we get to the reactor and he asks me what's inside, I always come out of it right before I can answer, yeah. N-No way in hell I'm gonna admit to that," he said, shaking his head defiantly, "n-no matter how many pills he shoves down my throat or how many times he tries to hypnotize me, yeah."

"But … what about … other things?"

Ratcliff pulled his hands away and peered at him strangely. "What things?"

"I-I don't know. I mean … I asked someone about h-hypnosis. This person said that in that state the power of suggestion can be strong …"

"Was it Dr. Arolin, yeah?"

Cloud felt a sheepish look come over his face, but Ratcliff actually smiled a little, even if it were very faint.

"I thought so, yeah."

"Bleier … he's not suggesting anything, is he?"

Ratcliff frowned and looked away. His leg began to bounce. "No … not that I remember."

Cloud groaned, rubbing his face with his hands. "Ratcliff …"

"I-I don't have a choice, Cloud," Ratcliff snapped, "if I ditch these sessions, they'll throw me in the brig."

"But if you confess, you'll be killed."

Ratcliff seemed to weigh this, but only for a brief moment. "That won't happen, yeah. I always manage to snap myself out of it in time."

"Can you really rely on that?"

Ratcliff was clearly becoming irritated and his leg began to bounce more. "I don't have a damn choice, yeah."

Cloud's watched as Ratcliff's tea nearly spill out again from the table shaking, then Cloud went back to watch as he started rapping his fingers against his mouth before nervously nibbling on one of his nails, then went back to rapping again in obvious discomfort.

"Are you sure Bleier's not suggesting anything strange to you?"

Ratcliff stopped moving in an instant and made eye contact with him. "Like what?"

"I don't know," Cloud murmured, feeling his face contort in distress. He knew a headache was about to start, but how bad of one remained uncertain. "Just … strange things or ideas."

"Be more specific."

He opened his mouth to force words out – all the words that had been churning inside his mind – but someone spoke nearby and stopped him from saying anything. It even stopped him from breathing.

Cloud paled, Ratcliff tensed.

The redheaded Turk was sitting two tables away with his back to them. He was looking at a menu. Their waiter was taking his order.

Ratcliff turned his head to see behind. He turned back to Cloud, suddenly angry. "Weren't you watching the damn door?" he whispered harshly, causing Cloud to shrink into himself.

"I-I wasn't paying attention, I-I'm sorry."

"Y-you're in on this, aren't you? Shin-Ra put you up to tricking me into a confession."

"No," Cloud whispered back, glancing to the Turk, then back into Ratcliff's wild expression. "Why would you even think something like that?"

"Fuck," Ratcliff said under his breath, now looking haunted, uncertain of what to think and what to do.

The Turk continued about his business and never glanced their way.

"I-I gotta go, Cloud, yeah? I gotta go."

Cloud watched as Ratcliff rose, arms shaking as they pushed his body up from the chair, legs wobbling and mind in shambles.

"Ratcliff, wait … he could've just gotten here. Sit back down," Cloud said as calmly as he could.

Ratcliff stopped for a moment, a moment that was filled with painful regret. "Y-you know too m-much, yeah. I-I'm not gonna let you be involved anymore. I was stupid f-for telling you anything. You b-better leave too, yeah."

Cloud stayed behind, watching as Ratcliff left without giving him nor the Turk a second glance.

* * *

Their dinner was long since cold, now boxed up in foam containers from the restaurant and stacked neatly in Cloud's locker with the hope that the food would still be edible by the time Ratcliff returned. And Cloud had long since retired to his bunk, but was still fighting to stay awake with the hope that Ratcliff _would _return.

It was cold in the barrack, air dry and silent with the unit gone in aiding with the recovery effort. The lights were off with nothing but a faint glow from floodlights in the bathroom area breaking through the darkness. Water dripped in the showers like a metronome keeping steady the rhythm of seconds, minutes, now _hours_ that passed as Cloud waited.

It was a lonely ambience – chilling and almost maddening. The only time he had felt this alone had been when waiting outside Zack's door for him to return from his vacation; the longing silence in that hallway and in his heart making him all the more desperate for the comfort of another.

How long had it been since he had that? How long since a caress graced his cheek, or his hair brushed from his face? How long since a blanket of warmth, whether from love or friendship, had been wrapped around him with security?

How long had it been since he _gave _that to another for whom he cared?

A forward kiss …

A song of shared laughter …

A genuine embrace?

How long had it been since Ratcliff felt this?

How long since Zack had felt that love for which Cloud, too, was now longing?

To think of how lonely they were and how he had caused this for everyone made him hurt unbearably – a hurt in which he knew he deserved but was selfish to no longer wish to feel.

Would it be too late to turn back that rhythm of seconds, minutes, hours?

Would it be too late to say 'I'm sorry'?

'Forgive me'?

To say 'I love you'?

A crack of light crawled across the floor, only a single door opening as someone slipped inside, and then it was gone. Cloud lifted his head to see Ratcliff's form shuffling in, his face and body scarcely illuminated by the faint lights.

Time was no longer allowed to drip through Cloud's fingers.

The blanket covering him as he lay in bed was discarded to the tiled floor, hesitation falling alongside it. He ran to Ratcliff, arms opening wide and wrapping around the man's body to hold him, to console him, to apologize, to ask for forgiveness, to forgive, to love.

Ratcliff did the same in return. Neither spoke. There wasn't a need when Cloud still held tight and Ratcliff's heart beat heavy against Cloud's chest.

Eventually they pulled apart, and Cloud was the first to speak and push away the last of that longing silence in the room.

"I saved your dinner."

Ratcliff laughed a little, head turning to the side in embarrassment but with no actual response. He merely followed Cloud as he started to head toward their lockers.

The lights were turned on and Cloud pulled out the containers, handing one to Ratcliff after peeking inside to see to whom each belonged, and they sat together on the dressing bench, resuming the dinner that should have been enjoyed hours before. Ratcliff even mumbled an apology for having skipped out on the bill when he had said he would pay, and he fished around in his pocket to reimburse Cloud for everything.

"Sorry if the food is dead. I had no where else to put it but my locker," Cloud said, poking around his food with his fork. "It probably made your shirt smell like food, too."

"My shirt?"

Cloud nodded and motioned to his open locker. Ratcliff's dress shirt lay folded neatly on one of the shelves inside. "The one you let me borrow for my first date with Zack."

Ratcliff looked at the shirt and then looked away. "Oh, yeah … that one."

"I've had it for a while. I should probably give it back to you."

"Keep it, yeah? I don't need it. You will, though, yeah."

Cloud set his fork down, swallowing hard for a moment before speaking with uncertainty. "I don't know about that. Things are kind of rough with Zack right now."

"Think he's still mad at me, yeah?"

"I-I don't know," Cloud said, shrugging a little. "I hope not."

"You still mad at me?"

He looked to Ratcliff, a soft smile on his face. "No, I'm not."

"I'm sorry, yeah? About everything." Ratcliff set his food aside, and Cloud was pleased to see that he had eaten most of it. He fidgeted, suddenly looking very conflicted and Cloud was unsure why. "But … Zack's back now, yeah? I saw him and Kunsel walking through the halls when I was coming back. They're probably gonna go through a debriefing before heading home. You should go see him before everyone here gets back, yeah."

Cloud's stomach twisted, heart fluttering in a strange way that made him both nervous and excited. It was reminiscent of old feelings he would have when he knew he would be able to see Zack and spend time with him. It was reminiscent of a time before everything turned out this way, before innocence was stripped, lies told, and friends lost.

"He promised he'd talk to you, yeah? Go and see him. Patch things up."

"It's okay," Cloud said with a nod to assure himself, "I know he'll keep his promise when I'm ready." He looked to Ratcliff, mustering up a grin. "Besides, we're eating dinner. Just you and me, yeah?"

Ratcliff laughed. He laughed and he cried. He put his arm around Cloud and pulled him close. "You're too cute, yeah." He leaned over, kissing the side of his head in a fatherly way, pulling away with tears down his face; yet he was neither sobbing, nor speaking with his voice trembling. "Thank you, Cloud. Thank you."

Cloud smiled encouragingly until his eyes darted down to the tears now meeting beneath Ratcliff's chin.

"Things'll be okay, yeah?" Ratcliff said almost in an upbeat tone when Cloud frowned. "Zack loves you, you know that." His arm tightened around Cloud's shoulders. "And … I …"

Ratcliff silenced himself and paused entirely for quite some time. Cloud waited, the dripping of the water the only indicator that time was still passing as they stayed motionless.

"What? Tell me, Ratcliff."

Ratcliff finally shook his head, returning the smile, but sadly. He motioned down to the ignored vegetables in Cloud's container of food. "E-Eat your broccoli, yeah."

Cloud was confused at first, but then looked down and pouted at them with disdain. "But they're stinky …"

"C'mon. We'd all want you to, yeah."

He considered this for a brief moment and then complied, but not without a grunt of disgust.

Ratcliff chuckled a little. It died quickly and they fell quiet as they continued to eat.

Not much else was said, only more urging for Cloud to finish off his meal. Cloud did the same to Ratcliff, who, too, reluctantly complied.

Eventually Cloud retired to his bunk once they were done, and Ratcliff lingered to clean up their mess. Cloud lay alone for a while, listening to periods of complete silence and then Ratcliff rummaging around in his locker, only for sounds to still. Perhaps he was smoking Graves' cigarettes again.

"Ratcliff?" Cloud called after one of those bouts of silence.

"You're not asleep yet?" Ratcliff called back, voice slightly alarmed.

"I was waiting for you."

"Don't wait for me, yeah" he said, "I'm not worth losing sleep over."

Cloud heard Ratcliff shut his locker, then the lights shut off with darkness following. He moved to their bunk with a slow gait, sighing with a heaviness that weighed down even on Cloud from across the room.

Ratcliff situated himself in his bunk, fidgeting around uncomfortably for a while. They lay together for quite some time without saying anything, but both knew the other was awake. It was Ratcliff who finally spoke first.

"You really should see him, yeah?" he said, a pleading tone to his voice. "Do it before everyone comes back."

"I can see him tomorrow."

"Please, Cloud. Go see him now."

"I wouldn't even know what to say to him."

"You'll think of something, yeah? Just … go to him."

"But–"

"Please."

Cloud sat up in bed, looking at Ratcliff's mattress above his with a deep frown. "You really think I should?"

"You miss him?"

"Yeah, of course."

"You want to be with him, yeah?"

"I do," Cloud murmured, face now alight with a bashful smile.

There was a long pause.

"You love him … right?"

Cloud said nothing, but he continued to smile.

Another long, heavy pause.

"Go," Ratcliff whispered, urging him. "Go be with Zack."

Only a moment longer did Cloud take to think about it, and he kicked away his covers with that earlier excitement coming back. He dressed himself as quickly as possible, Ratcliff bid him a quiet goodnight, and he made his way to the SOLDIER housing floor.

Thoughts were blank, reserving themselves for the explanations, the apologies and the confessions to come. Instinct was what took him there. Instinct made him enter the floor, walk down that hallway and knock on that door.

But instinct only took him that far. It disappeared when Zack did not answer.

He stood staring at the door and trying to keep calm as past emotions began to flood him. It was a sudden, chilling grip of solitude, reminding him of everything that he had felt the last time he was before this closed door and wanting the person behind it.

Perhaps Zack was still attending a debriefing; Cloud would simply wait for him. The time that he would spending waiting for Zack to return home would be short lived compared to the time that Zack had spent waiting for Cloud and never knowing if he would return.

There was no more need to feel anxious over a closed door.

Not when Cloud had the key.

* * *

It was quiet when he arrived back at the barracks. The men still had not returned, and he felt guilty for having left Ratcliff alone in that silence. Even the dripping of the water in the showers seemed to have stopped.

Through everything he had completely forgotten about the key to Zack's apartment. It lay unused and buried inside his locker. He didn't think he would have a need for it again, not after what he had done to Zack_._

Atonement for his actions, hope for forgiveness, and truth to come all resided inside, held firmly in the structure of its metal, in its teeth. It was retrieved with a nervous hand and gripped with determination.

Cloud shut his locker, passing one nearby which sat ignored, its door ajar with contents strewn about in conflict. He passed another two which had been emptied long before. He passed two bunks which, too, were empty — owners but a memory with time moving on without them.

Cloud gripped the key tighter.

His own bunk was passed. Above Ratcliff lay; arm hanging off the side, perfectly still; soundless, but for once not sleepless.

Below Cloud's blankets were in disarray, the bars of his metal footboard warped from where he had been thrown against so long ago, his pillow indented from where he had lain his head … his mattress now a resting place for an object that had not been there before he had left, and certainly didn't belong.

He walked over and picked it up, unfolding it. He sat down on his bunk, staring but not reading, reading but not understanding, understanding but not believing.

Ink was in disarray on yellow legal paper, hints of indents pressed into its page from where past letters had been written to friends, family, maybe lovers … now a resting place for intimate words.

That rhythm — he began to hear it again as he read.

_'Cloud,'_

Faintly … very faintly.

'_Promises can be fulfilled. And they can be broken.'_

Slow … much … slower.

_'I tried, but I could never keep my own.'_

Drip …

_ 'I'm passing it onto you.'_

… after …

_'Tell him you love him.'_

He stood in panic. His foot bumped against something hard below.

Beneath the shadow of Ratcliff's hand, a familiar 9mm handgun lay on the floor.

… drip.

Cloud upturned his head; blood fell onto his brow, onto his cheek from above.

Johnny Ratcliff was dead.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Fifty-Five: The Perfect Truth.

Author's Shameful Note: I'm deeply sorry to all of the Ratcliff fans...just know that I was a fucking sobbing wreck when writing this and proof reading it.

On a lighter note: Rose tea with cinnamon is actually really good. I forgot to mention that when I first wrote about Cinnamon Rose and her tea back in the Nibelheim arc with Graves, I actually went out to buy rose tea and put cinnamon in it to make sure it actually tasted good before I wrote such a thing. It's now my dad's favorite drink and obsesses over it. XD He thinks I should open up my own tea shop with strange flavors like this. He's so hilarious.

So yeah. Try it. It's really good.

Um...anyway, I feel strange right now...like some sort of murderer.

If you all don't hate my guts now, come back on Christmas. I'll have the next chapter up for you all as a present. Or maybe it's really an apology.


	55. Chapter FiftyFive: The Perfect Truth

Chapter Fifty-Five: The Perfect Truth

* * *

There had not been a single moment when Zack did not think about Cloud during his mission. Even through the debriefing he thought about him. Through the walk to the bar and the subsequent drinks with Kunsel, he thought about him. And now, through a tipsy stupor into his quarters, he _ached_ for him.

It was much too late to go see him, and Zack was much too drunk on his emotions and from whatever poison that had been placed in front of him at the bar. He wasn't sure if it was Kunsel's way of loosening his tongue to get him to confide in him his problems, but Kunsel seemed quick to replace his empty glass with something new.

A few drinks turned into _quite a few_, but Zack never did say anything.

His vision sloshed around as he began to undress, now bracing his legs against his bed frame to support himself from falling over as he removed his shirt. An attempt to remove anything below left him teetering, so he never finished. Instead he collapsed down onto his bed — Cloud's side of the bed — and breathed in, smelling nothing but empty space which should have been filled with something else … some feeling of certain nostalgia which now felt lost, forgotten.

Morning would come and he would track down the source of this ache and the source of the empty space beside him. The only words he would let slip would be ones which he hoped could remedy everything. The only person in which he would confide would be Cloud.

Only Cloud.

Even now as the alcohol coerced him to sleep, everything in his mind turned to that boy; that boy with such brilliant eyes, a coveted smile like a rare delicacy, a laugh that was as soft and sweet as his name. Cloud, with his complexities and his insecurities; a timidness that frustratingly lingered with every word, every decision and every reaction he would make … to even his lies. All his lies — the white, the heavy, the ones that made him chuckle, the ones that made him angry, the ones that actually made Zack love him just a little bit more.

It all made him ache unbearably, and not even in sleep could he find solace. He dreamed of Cloud, hearing him call his name with desperation, feeling his touch with such yearning need. It had felt vivid against his face, the warmth of his hand cradling his consciousness and holding it captive. He wanted to wake, to believe that that touch had been real, to know that when he opened his eyes, Cloud would be there.

But he slept on.

He could hear him crying in his dream. Out of all the things he could dream, all those possibilities of happiness, Cloud was still crying. He shouldn't — not alone, at least. Why was Cloud crying alone?

He could hear water running. Both sounds went on for a long time. Far too long. And an oddly familiar scent began to creep through his dream. Wisps of it filled the air, a deep and spicy scent that he couldn't place. It wasn't Cloud … Cloud smelled liberating.

Zack soon roused, blinking up at the darkened ceiling, the sound of the water that ran becoming louder. That smell began to decipher in his nose as well; it was his shampoo.

Someone was in his shower …

He turned his head, bleary eyes making out fuzzy numbers on the clock beside him. The water stopped.

… at two in the morning.

He heard the screech of the shower curtain, and moments later his bedroom door was pushed opened fully. Before he could lift his head, his mattress dipped down from an added weight, and he felt someone crawling toward him.

It was Cloud.

Quickly Zack tried to make sense of this, but both shock and the persistent booze left him staring dumbfounded. Cloud, _his_ Cloud was here, crawling towards him wearing nothing but a towel around his hip and an unbelievable expression on his face. He could see in the moonlight that peeked through his blinds a pair of frightened, reddened eyes staring back at him, and his cheeks were soaked with more than just water from the shower. It hadn't been a dream.

"W-what're you doing here?" Zack whispered, afraid that if he were to speak any louder Cloud would somehow be scared away.

But he didn't. He moved closer, and as he did, the towel around his waist slipped and slumped off the bed, revealing his nude body. Zack swallowed heavily.

"I'm sorry, Zack, I-I am so s-sorry for everything. Please forgive me … please."

"Sorry?" He sat up quickly. "Why're you so upset like this? What's happened?"

Cloud continued to mutter apologies as he crawled nearer. Without hesitation he forced Zack against his headboard and then straddled his lap, gripping his shoulders almost painfully tight.

Zack could do nothing as Cloud pinned him with his body. He tried to wiggle some room between them, but Cloud wouldn't budge. There was a possessiveness to him that Zack had never seen before, a reckless look in his eyes being magnified by the tears present.

"Don't leave me."

Zack forced Cloud away just enough to free his arms, and he started to wipe at the boy's face, trying to keep up with the tears that fell in quick succession. "Leave you? What're you talking about?"

"I don't want you to leave me too … please, not you."

"Baby—"

"I've lied to you. So many times." Cloud reached up, cupping Zack's face. "I don't deserve you, but I want you. I want to be selfish with you. You're all I have. I can't lose that. I can't—"

"You won't."

Cloud's eyebrows wrinkled in disbelief, and when he spoke, it was frenzied. "You won't leave me?"

"I won't … I would never."

"Even if I don't deserve you?"

"You do."

"Even if I lie?"

"Even if you lie."

"Even though I—"

Zack brushed his thumb across his face to his lips, pressing lightly to silence him. "Cloud … I've never left."

"Never left …?"

"That's right," Zack said, now wiping more tears from Cloud's face. "I've been here for you the whole time. For _us_."

Cloud suddenly broke down, his body racked with violent sobs. Somehow through the shaking of his hands he reached up, cupping Zack's face once more as he tried to speak. Nothing but incoherent sounds came from him as he cried. Zack tried to search Cloud for answers while holding what he knew to be a weak smile, but holding it steady nonetheless. He watched as over and over Cloud mouthed words to speak, but he was a mess with each attempt.

"What, baby? What are you trying to say?" Zack murmured, stroking his dampened cheek with compassion.

"I love you, Zack," Cloud said through sobs. "I love you."

To finally hear those words, to see Cloud's lips form them and his voice — no matter how tremulous — speak them, made waves of relief drown Zack's heart. He wrapped his arms around Cloud's trembling body and buried his face in his neck, squeezing him tightly as elation consumed him. His eyes began to sting and burn against Cloud's heated skin. "Gods, Cloud, I love you too."

Cloud continued to sob, even as Zack smoothed his hands across his face and murmured little nothingnesses to him to get him to stop. He searched through his eyes for some sort of answer, and the more that he cried, the more that wave of relief soon began to turn tide. No explanation for those tears were given, no other inclination given for being there at two in the morning, or the sudden confession, or the fact that he was _naked _and pressing himself further against Zack's body.

"Tell me what's wrong."

Cloud finally quieted and he shook his head. He said nothing, focusing every ounce of energy on trying to control the tremble in his lip and the pain from showing again on his face. He began to lean in, his nose brushing against Zack's with the faintest trace of a whimper, eyes focusing on their mouths centimeters apart. And he kissed him.

It lasted but a second, yet weeks and months spent apart melted away.

Zack murmured Cloud's name as they pulled back. Their eyes met, a yearning for each other being silently shared in that gaze. He wanted to kiss him again, to feel Cloud's being with every touch and caress, every breath, every bit of love that he had known to be there from the beginning.

They kissed again.

Longer, much longer. Lips moved in a slow stride, the rush of anxiety to get to that moment now behind them, and a new rush to travel further together now approaching.

Cloud pressed more of his weight against Zack, sliding his hands to the back of his head as their kiss began to deepen. Zack moaned quietly when Cloud's fingertips curled through strands of his hair and his tongue curled against his lips. He opened his mouth, meeting Cloud's tongue with reserve but not without increasing interest.

His mind was getting hazy when Cloud swirled his tongue about his; he wanted it to stay that way. It made his heart race, blood thumping through his veins, heating his skin to unknown temperatures. He could feel that heat travel throughout him, coiling and settling to where Cloud's body pressed against the most. He muttered his name once again between heady breaths, and the hands in his hair began to roam.

One hand skimmed down his bare chest, the other along his side. It traced and curved until it reached the hem of his trousers, not pausing when he moaned into Cloud's mouth again, but continued on what began to feel like a search. It finally stopped at his pocket, and then dipped inside.

"W-what are you doing?" Zack asked breathlessly, his eyes flickering against Cloud's.

"Your phone," he whispered, his hand digging around until he found it. He flipped it open and tried to press one of the buttons but was having a hard time keeping his hands steady. "Turning it off." The phone eventually beeped and darkened. It was tossed to the floor. "I don't want us to be interrupted."

Zack could not get another word in, for Cloud leaned forward and continued to kiss him with even more fuel. His lips, his tongue, his hands now tugging at Zack's zipper were all becoming hard to keep up with.

His trousers soon followed the path of his phone onto the floor.

Zack now sat naked beneath Cloud as he crawled back onto his lap. He groaned when his growing erection settled against Cloud's bottom, the heat of his body both moist and more intoxicating than any poison. He couldn't stop himself from rubbing against him. Cloud responded with a shy nip to Zack's lip, and their tongues further explored.

Perhaps tasting him once more, to indulge in what he had missed so much, would allow for a glimpse inside Cloud's mind. Zack wanted to know what he was thinking and feeling with each kiss. He wanted to know what Cloud wanted, and what had pushed him over the precipice of truth to reach desperation such as this.

Their heads turned together as their kissing increased to an impassable tempo. Bodies began to rock as Zack's hips pressed against Cloud with a wordless request,

approval coming as a soft coo. It was a sound soft enough to barely be heard by Zack's ears, but with more than enough strength for his heart to hear.

He kissed away from Cloud's lips and moved onto his neck, taste buds awakening with flavors of fresh skin and dewy hints of perspiration. Tasting that sweat beginning to build, knowing to where their bodies and hearts were headed made him vulnerable to his forgotten urges.

Slowly they descended to those urges, arms wrapped around each other for support as they lowered upon the bed, sparing not a moment to adjust blankets nor pillows, but taking those moments to pull each other closer, and to seek those lost feelings in each other.

Zack rolled him onto his back, never breaking contact of his lips to Cloud's body. He tried to lift himself to see his face, but he couldn't pull away with the grip that Cloud had against his shoulders, holding him with that possessiveness again. It was nearly shouting with enough force to get Zack to stop suckling at his neck, to stop everything. If it hadn't been for his name being whispered as he now kissed across Cloud's collarbone, he might have.

His thumbs sought out and found his nipples; they were soft beneath his touch. He began to circle around them, hoping to feel them harden, and to feel Cloud's member harden as well. As close as their bodies were, Zack could feel only his own erection between their entangled legs. He received a meek sound as his thumbs continued, but nothing more.

He kissed down, making sure each one was with patience and filled with all his emotion. No kiss wavered or hesitated. Each was perfectly placed across the light planes of Cloud's skin … one after another, never growing tired. His lips skimmed, stopping as Cloud's pitching chest brought a nipple to his mouth, meeting with precision timing. Zack closed his lips around it, gentle suction coaxing the nub to harden while his other hand began to coax Cloud's softened member.

The grip on his shoulders lessened the more his tongue lapped and the more his hand stroked. Zack pulled his mouth away when he heard a trace of a moan coming from Cloud, and he looked up at him with a soft smile. He held his eye contact as he kissed the center of his chest, and Cloud's hands slipped off and fell to his sides.

Downward again he moved, hands sliding to his thighs as his breath ghosted across Cloud's navel, stopping for a brief moment to lap his tongue around its contours. He kissed a few more times until he reached Cloud's groin, glancing up at him to see his face before moving further.

His expression was hard to interpret.

Conflicted, eager, pained … Zack couldn't tell.

But Cloud, too, was studying Zack as he paused, and slowly he shuffled his legs apart, giving Zack more room, and giving him the consent for which he had been searching.

Zack settled between his legs. His eyes locked on Cloud's for any change in expression as he lowered his mouth down, hovering above his groin. Nothing flickered across his face, and so Zack continued to stroke Cloud's member and move his mouth closer.

It had been far too long, and as his lips impatiently closed around his tip, Cloud's taste — that unique, sensual taste — sent Zack's mind stuttering into disarray. He had missed everything about him that he knew he would want more … that he would need more.

So much more.

His nose nestled against Cloud's skin, his entire length beginning to fill his mouth as it stiffened. Faster it grew as Zack began to bob his head along, but only soundless breaths were Cloud's reaction. It was far from the usual moans and cries he would make as Zack sucked him.

His hand brushed lightly over his balls, earning a slight wiggle from Cloud's hips. It caused his member to thrust further into Zack's mouth, and ignited both eagerness and lust. Fingertips then dipped below, pushing their way between Cloud's cheeks to seek his entrance.

Cloud finally made a tiny squeak as Zack's fingers ran against him. Back and forth they rubbed, each pass emitting more pressure, asking for more. His middle finger now circled around once he found the center of all that moist heat surrounding his hand. He left it there for a few moments as he continued to suck on him, but unconsciously he began to press his finger inside, and hadn't realized this until Cloud stiffened and made a small grunt of discomfort.

Zack pulled away, Cloud's member slipping from his mouth to fall against his lower stomach with a small slap. He muttered an apology to him and got to his knees, shivering when Cloud's body heat left him. He clumsily moved across Cloud's legs to the edge of his bed, reaching for his nightstand.

The bed rustled beside him, and he turned to see that Cloud sat up on his elbows and was watching him with intensity. His chest was beginning to pitch as though he were to have some sort of panic attack, and that earlier expression of fright was on his face once again.

Zack didn't take his eyes off him even as he reached into his nightstand and blindly found the bottle of lubrication he had purchased months ago. He tried to give him a reassuring smile, but frowned instead when he thought he saw Cloud's eyes shimmering in the darkness. He crawled back over to him and popped open the cap, all the while whispering to him sweetly, hoping to calm him … and himself. His hand shook as he dribbled the liquid onto his fingers. The bottle was then set to the side within reach.

Cloud seemed to relax when Zack's body covered him, and he sank back down onto the mattress with Zack's lips following. Again he kissed down his neck and chest, trying to retrace each step he had taken but with no less meaning and emotion; a nip to his collarbone, a moment to suckle his nipple, and even another teasing lick at his navel. Once more Cloud's member was taken into Zack's mouth, and one hand slipped between his legs to disappear against his heat.

He began to push his finger against his entrance again, the lubrication warming up almost instantly when it came into contact with Cloud's body. He didn't hesitate pushing it in, or hesitate moving it; he didn't think that he could now that his mind was swimming with anticipation. Cloud made another grunt of discomfort but quickly silenced when Zack's sucking increased, driving Cloud's member further into his mouth with each bob of his head.

He wanted to feel Cloud harden unbearably, painfully. He wanted to taste teasing hints of his seed against his tongue, flavor intensifying as pleasure mounted. He wanted to hear those melodious tones of Cloud's voice, as much and more than he had in the past. He wanted to feel Cloud's body quiver — his muscles, his bones, his breath — against him. He wanted the heat between them to become more than either could handle but still not enough for them to stop.

Instead Cloud remained nearly flaccid … silent. There was no melody for which Zack longed, nor growing and intensified flavors which he craved. The only quiver in which he felt was of his own body.

Zack released his member and lowered his face down, nuzzling his nose against Cloud's inner thigh before kissing it with need. He groaned as though to encourage him as he moved closer to his groin. He nuzzled there, causing him to flinch and move his legs further apart, giving Zack more room.

He murmured to him eagerly, now turning to give attention to Cloud's balls. His free hand grasped his member once more as his mouth took them in almost playfully. He let his tongue move about, running across soft skin and fine hairs which tickled, which made him yearn for more. He gave Cloud an encouraging squeeze.

Cloud finally let out a moan, his voice being carried to Zack's ears by a breath which he must have been holding back. Zack glanced up to see that his eyes had fluttered closed and his brow had wrinkled in the most enticing way, as though he were in pain, but with how his lips had parted and how his chest heaved, he hoped it were far from the truth.

He pulled his finger out slowly, the muscles around unrelenting in grip as well as resistance. Pushing in a second finger was done just as slowly, just as caring. He began to move deeper, feeling Cloud's body again in one of the most intimate ways; a way that he had shared with him before, but too long ago to relish in its memory.

They needed a new memory, born at this time from passion intertwined, and never again abandoned.

Cloud's hand found Zack's head, stroking it with a shyness which held just a whisper of demand for more. Sucking increased, fingers pushed further in a search to find those unbridled sounds that Zack knew to be hidden, though his own moans filled the room the more that Cloud caressed him.

He no longer could keep anything steady; his whole body quaked with urgency as he released Cloud's member from his mouth and kissed up his body to waiting lips. Cloud caught his kiss, already moving his tongue against Zack's in an alluring dance the instant they met. A rush of lust swept up his restraint, overpowering every last shred of it to which he clung, and Zack helped Cloud move his legs completely apart.

He pulled away, a moan trailing between their parted lips. One hand sought out the bottle of lubricant while the other held Cloud's face, fixating their gaze upon each other in what Zack hoped to be a shared assurance. He couldn't help but whine as he felt the tip of his head brush against Cloud's bottom, and Zack's gaze turned potent.

The bottle was found once more, recovered from being nestled against Cloud's thigh. Zack brought it to his tip, his hand shaking with such severity that every other drop he poured onto himself missed and soaked into the mattress below. His breathing, even his swallowing was as stuttered as his movements.

"Are you okay?"

Zack gasped, startled by Cloud's voice and by how steady it seemed. He let a small laugh escape, but the smile behind it was wavering. "J-just a little nervous. A-aren't you?"

Cloud watched as Zack began to run his hand along himself, coating his member liberally. He said nothing.

Zack spent a few more moments stroking himself. Perhaps he were biding time, as though expecting for Cloud to make some movement to stop him, or to make some sign that he wasn't ready for this. Perhaps he were waiting for himself to do it, but neither made a sound or action as those long moments passed.

He released a slow breath, bringing himself to Cloud's entrance. He immediately pulled back, heart beating erratically.

Cloud glanced up to him as Zack stopped, his lips swollen and face stained with the flush of the moonlight. His eyes were still shining, but not from ardor or passion; there was something else behind them, behind those tears that still lingered.

"We don't have to do this, Cloud," Zack said, leaning down to kiss those swollen lips which now trembled faintly.

"P-please," Cloud whispered.

_Please …_

Even stuttered, even if barely heard through Zack's muddled thoughts, that word – vague, yet seemingly sure — held so much. Good, bad; even a neutrality for their actions, their reactions. Zack couldn't decide with that one word spoken if what he was doing was right or wrong; to continue, to stop …

_Please_ never confused him so much in his life.

"I need you."

Zack moaned Cloud's name, both his heart and his body seized by those words. He brought himself to Cloud again, the last of his shaking tapering off as he released one final, nervous breath. He waited for Cloud to finish shifting beneath him, again legs opening wide for him. His eyes darted between them to catch one last glimpse before he began to push in.

As Zack moved, Cloud tensed, his fingers digging into the sheets. He could tell he was trying to hide any discomfort with a straight face, but with how his eyebrows twitched and how he was biting his bottom lip, Zack could tell otherwise. It was almost painful for him, too, as everything was tight; it felt nearly impossible to continue.

"Cling to me instead, baby."

Cloud looked perplexed for a brief second until Zack motioned down to how his knuckles were paling as he gripped the sheet.

"Like this," he whispered, stopping his entrance to concentrate on wiggling each of Cloud's hands away. He placed them on his shoulders. "Cling to me if it hurts."

Cloud obeyed, leaving his hands there awkwardly, as though not knowing where exactly to place them or how to hold them.

Zack couldn't help but smile a little, lowering down to kiss him. "Relax." He kissed him again, this time adding in a gentle stroking of his face. He continued until he felt Cloud's body relax against his, and slowly he pushed in more.

It was a stop and go effort, each push past restricting muscle getting a loving hush or coo if Cloud showed any sign of pain. There seemed to be plenty, as every inch he went Cloud would tighten his hold on Zack's shoulders, or allow himself just a tiny squeak of discomfort. He had to continually remind him to relax each time he felt the muscles around him squeeze. It took more calming attempts, but Cloud did listen and try.

Soon Zack lowered his head down to rest against Cloud's forehead, pausing to let Cloud become accustomed, to breathe him in, to revel in the feeling of him. It was tighter, hotter, more nerve-racking, and more wonderful than he thought it would ever be. What he felt from inside Cloud seemed to transcend to how the rest of his body felt; every bit of him was gripped in an unfathomable heat.

Cloud sniffled then. It brought him out of this new bliss and back to his love beneath him. His eyes opened to see tears leaking from the corners of Cloud's. They were brushed away on one side, and kissed away on the other.

"Does it hurt?" Zack whispered.

Cloud shook his head as a few more tears rolled down.

"Then why're you crying?"

"I've missed you," Cloud said after he released a shuddering breath.

Zack grabbed one of his hands from off his shoulder and linked their fingers together, giving him a squeeze. "I've missed you too. So much that it hurt."

Cloud let out a vulnerable whimper as he leaned up and caught Zack's lips, his hand returning the squeeze. His body shook as they kissed, surely holding back any sobbing that threatened to surface.

Their lips parted, and Zack kissed his way down Cloud's neck as he began to move inside him. Cloud grunted, body tensing in response, but then relaxing as Zack stroked his face again. With each patient thrust, he moved in a little deeper, breathed a little quicker, trembled a little harder. He soon was fully seated, his body now flush against Cloud's and joined together in a beautiful union.

It was overwhelming to finally be with Cloud in this way.

He paused once more, indulging in the sweltering heat around his member. It was almost too much with how high each of his emotions were running. But he started to move again — gentle, with worlds of caution in every thrust.

Cloud made another noise, stifled behind his pursed, reddened lips. It sounded slightly pained, but very endearing.

"It hurt?" Zack asked, scarcely moving inside him, afraid to until he was sure that Cloud wasn't feeling anything but pleasure.

Cloud shook his head once.

"Feel good?"

He gave a single nod.

Zack squeezed his hand again and kissed him, catching another sound with his mouth as he began to move more fluently. Further back he pulled, only to plunge in deeper, but slowly. In time their bodies started to rock together, his pushing into Cloud's, his _loving_ Cloud's.

Their tongues found each other, courting into a dance once again. Zack could never grow weary with how he tasted, cravings for him impossible to be sated no matter how much they kissed, or where his lips roamed across his body. Even now as he kissed across Cloud's jawline to his ear, the feelings surging throughout his body and mind kept him starving.

He turned Cloud's head gently, hearing him whimper in question when he brushed his hair away from his ear and took his earlobe between his teeth. He felt Cloud's muscles tighten around his member as he worked it with his mouth. He started to push into Cloud's body with a little more force when he shuddered beneath him, arching his back in what Zack hoped was blooming pleasure.

His tongue ventured further into his ear, earning the sweet sound of Cloud letting out a moan, albeit a little choked. It was still beautiful; a louder, teasing hint of what Zack knew to be hiding. It caused him to groan into Cloud's ear in response, and senses began to reel.

The bed followed in harmony with the noise which was filling the room. With each thrust Zack let himself be heard, his voice almost being drowned out with the creaking of the bed frame, or a tentative knock against the wall with the headboard if he thrust too awkwardly. Cloud stayed mostly quiet; maybe he was nervous, overwhelmed as much as Zack. He was starting to think that it was actually hurting him, or maybe the position was just growing stale.

Zack slowed his movements to a gradual stop, and now his mind began to race through all the positions he knew, all the advice that had ever been given to him, and everything that he wanted to try with Cloud. He wanted this to be good for him too … he wanted it to be more than _good._ He wanted to pour every ounce of love into this for him, for the both of them. It was impossible for him to keep his thoughts straight, and he found his body moving on its own to move Cloud into something different.

Cloud quickly sat up after him when Zack pulled out of his body, a feverish look consuming him again. He reached up and gripped Zack's arms, stopping him from moving any further with a crushing force.

"Where are you going?"

Zack stared back at him, eyes searching his in shock.

"You said you wouldn't leave me!"

Cloud was now shaking uncontrollably, his fingertips digging into him and eyes welling with tears. His legs closed around Zack's knees as though to pin him in place.

"I'm going no where," Zack said, lowering them both back down onto the bed as he stroked him reassuringly. Confusion began to build again and he continued to caress him, slowly easing them both to calm. "I was just moving us into something different, baby."

Cloud whimpered an apology and wrapped his arms around Zack's neck, burying his face against him like an upset child would to its parent. He remained like that, allowing Zack to cradle him and soothe him until he settled. Eventually his shaking stopped, but the hold around Zack's neck stayed firm.

"I said I wouldn't leave you, Cloud. We don't have to do this if you're not ready."

"Don't stop, Zack," Cloud whispered, shifting against him so that his legs were now raising into the air. "Please."

Zack hesitated, stroking his head idly as he felt Cloud's legs begin to wrap around his waist. His breathing quickened when Cloud brought his entrance to his tip and began to force him back in. His member was being enveloped in that heat again, and he moaned together with Cloud for the first time.

"Gods, Cloud," he whined, pressing himself inside with a needy urge.

Cloud muttered something back to him, but it was interrupted by another moan when Zack hit a spot inside him which caused his arms to tighten and his legs to link around Zack's waist, melding their bodies together.

Zack scooted forward, coaxing Cloud to lift his hips off the mattress, supporting his body with his own. Cloud obeyed, rolling most of his weight onto his shoulders as Zack resumed thrusting with renewed desire.

Cloud's arms loosened around Zack's neck enough to slip one hand into his hair, his earlier whimpers now becoming heavy with signs of enjoyment. Zack sped up his movements, somehow murmuring passionate things to him between each labored breath he took. Cloud heard every word, responding to them with kisses against his neck and more moans.

He inched his way apart from Cloud reluctantly, but he wanted to watch his lips form every one of those sounds he loved to hear. They locked eyes, Cloud momentarily looking worried as Zack parted from his hold, but his expression changed to what seemed like surprise when Zack slipped his arm between them and began to stroke his member.

Cloud let out a small cry, his hands on a search for something to grab onto again when stimulation increased. He found the sides of Zack's face, tugging downward to bring their lips together for an attempted kiss. But when Zack struck that spot again, sending an outpour of bliss throughout his body, he tossed his head back with a louder cry.

It still wasn't exactly what Zack wanted to hear. He wanted to get Cloud to cry out like how he had in the past — that unrestrained howl of euphoric levels, but watching his eyes squeeze shut and his chest pitch, there was no way that he couldn't enjoy Cloud's every reaction. And each gained more strength, an organic rhythm forming between them to nurture their confidence in themselves and in each other.

His hand moved faster on Cloud, feeling the muscles surrounding him convulse for a brief moment. He matched his pace with his hand, their tempo becoming finalized as emotions brimmed on spilling over, exerting Zack's control. Possibly hurting Cloud was a concern floating amongst his carnal instincts, but with how Cloud was now clinging to him, Zack's thrusting roughened.

Perspiration now embellished their skin, sharing a warmth created from their actions. It enticed new tremors throughout their bodies, heightening unfamiliar but arousing sensations. There was not a breath that Cloud didn't take that Zack couldn't feel. There was not a quiver of passion nor surge of pleasure which Cloud felt that didn't resonate to him.

But what was now truly shared between them was whispered to each other in three perfect words. Just three words, spoken with more meaning than any other, and strengthened with their intimacy.

Frantically Zack slipped his free arm beneath Cloud's shoulders, clutching him to his body as his movements shortened. Every impulse was telling him to not slow down, to let go of restraint. There was something else which he heard; a whispered feeling amongst an infinite chorus of singing nerves inside. This feeling for which Zack had once forgotten, for which he had been blindly searching. It was what really soothed that ache.

Cloud stammered Zack's name, both his tone and his body racing to climax. His legs squeezed Zack's waist, his arms locked around his neck. But it was Zack who was holding on; he held on to how Cloud was writhing against him and was slick with sweat, how an impassioned display of need was staring back at him. He clung to each second, afraid that if he were to let one pass without cherishing it, that this feeling would be gone before he knew.

His hand stroked at an intense pace, its rhythm broken as his thrusting became desperate for release. No more words could be spoken, no utterance of pleasured curses, or heady whispers to tease. They could only exclaim what they felt through instinctual cries as their peak was reached. He didn't dare look away from that angelic face staring back at him. Those blue eyes held a glimmering intensity behind moist lashes, and those beautiful lips were parted … such beautiful lips even when swollen with the indents of his teeth and past scars in them. How Zack still loved them. And how he kissed them.

Every muscle clenched, and Cloud's entire body went rigid in an instant. His cries fell into a screaming silence as he came.

It was breathtaking, but even more so knowing that what Zack thought he had lost and forgotten was his once again.

Watching Cloud rushed him to his own finish. He followed after, pumping through the last of Cloud's spasms as bursts of rapture devoured him. He clung to him, burying his face against his neck as he released. He muffled lengthy, unbridled moans into dampened skin, knowing no other outlet in which to channel this overwhelming feeling. It was more than he could take.

Zack finally slowed, his mind dazed and his breath erratic. He could feel their pulses racing together, continuing in the wild thrill long after their bodies had been spent. The legs around his waist lowered down but the arms around his neck stayed, shortly joined by Cloud's lips against him. He turned his head to catch those kisses, to catch those ragged breaths and sated moans which left Cloud's lungs. The last bit of their lust began to settle, but their hearts still continued.

He removed his arm from beneath Cloud, lowering him back down upon the bed … his side of the bed where he belonged. He took in each of his features, burning the image of Cloud panting, covered in their sweat and his own seed, inside his mind. It was an image which he had always desired, which now far exceeded all his expectations of being in this exact moment with him. He had dreamed of this, he had longed for it. Now he had it. Now it was his.

Zack smiled down at Cloud as he lay there panting, and a brief smile tugged onto Cloud's lips in return. He whispered 'I love you' to him and kissed him, now knowing no other outlet in which to channel _this_ nostalgic feeling.

This feeling … this was a feeling of every emotion he had ever experienced … that he _would_ experience. Like he were endlessly flying without wings … that his Cloud, _his angel, _were carrying him. This feeling which he would only feel with Cloud … always only Cloud.

An endless feeling of comfort.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Fifty-Six: Locked Out.

Ending Author's Note: Erm...Merry Clackmas! I wanted to present you all with this Clackmas gift, one that has been two years in the making! My gift to all of you amazing and lovely readers. Some of you have been with this story from the start and have been painstakingly waiting for this chapter to happen, so here it is! And even the readers just joining have been eagerly awaiting this too. XD

Whether it was what you were expecting or hoping for is beyond me, given the circumstances of the previous chapter.

Did I ever mention I'm sort of evil?

Just an FYI.

:D

As far as the next chapter goes...erm...well...I'm not done with that yet. So I have no idea when it will be released. Ah! Some good news for those who care about my personal blahs: My doctor is pulling me out of work indefinitely. So far I have a surgery on my lower back scheduled for February 1st (nuuu I don't want to be laid up for my birthday in Feb...D: My birthdays are always so shitty...just what I need...flarg) and come December 30th, I will no longer be working! So this means I can finally rest and have all the time in the world to draw and write and waste my days on Tumblr! :D

**EDIT!**

I forgot to include something. I've compiled a Malady Soundtrack! It's a .rar file that you can download here:

(Remove the spaces in the web address first)

http : / / www. mediafire. com/ ?62guyfc82cs41bj

that contains songs that I've deemed "Malady-esque". It has various artists from different styles music, but nothing too crazy. XD Anyway, give it a download and listen as you read if you'd like! There's also a READ ME file explaining things a bit further. :3

**The download link to the Malady OST can also be found in my profile!**

Anyway, hope you enjoyed my Clackmas gift, and I hope that your day is merry and bright with smut and fluff. May all your Clackmas wishes come true!

With evil amounts of love,

Ziggy


	56. Chapter FiftySix: Locked Out

Chapter Fifty-Six: Locked Out

* * *

They lay together, Cloud pulled close against Zack's chest. The aftermath of what they had just shared together was already fading. Or maybe the alcohol in Zack's system was finally leveling out and the gravity of it all was hitting him. Their bodies had now cooled and their sweat dried; yet Cloud remained breathing unevenly and trembling. He said nothing, he only held tighter if Zack tried to ask him what was wrong.

Everything had fallen prey to another nostalgic feeling, one that Zack wanted to never relive again. It was a feeling of foreboding. Deep, frightening foreboding.

After a while of holding him, he tried to leave the bed to retrieve a washcloth for Cloud to clean himself with; they had left themselves in a mess. When he moved to stand, Cloud turned back to those earlier hysterics. Again he clung to Zack's arm, screaming for him not to leave. This time he wouldn't calm with kissing or stroking.

"It's just a washcloth."

"Please, don't," Cloud cried.

"A washcloth, that's it," Zack said as steadily as he could, despite his own panic now rising. He pulled himself away and stood, then reached down and brushed tears from Cloud's face. "I'm not going anywhere."

Cloud sniveled and pulled a blanket up to his chest with difficulty. He was quaking.

"Why do you keep thinking that I'm going to leave you?"

He tried to stammer something, but sobbing was all that came out.

Zack slipped on his boxers and began to back out of the room, unable to take his eyes off him in fear. "I'll be right back. I promise." He paused at the door, watching as Cloud stared back at him with even more fear — pure fear.

With reluctance he rounded to the bathroom where a faint trace of his shampoo still lingered in the humid air. He flicked on the light and froze.

Cloud's uniform was thrown all around. Pieces of it were soaked in blood.

Cloud began to hyperventilate from the bedroom.

His eyes moved to the shower in horror. Diluted blood was splattered onto the tiled walls.

Zack turned to rush to him but stopped when someone began to bang on his door. The frantic beat was only a segue to a rush of voices behind it, screaming for him, screaming for Cloud.

"For fuck's sake open your goddamn door!"

It was Kunsel. But there was another voice. A woman.

"Cloud, are you in there!"

Zack continued to stare in horror.

Cloud was now wailing from the bedroom.

The pounding worsened. The shouting continued. Torn between the sounds of Cloud in sudden, unexplained anguish and his own confusion left him motionless. He couldn't bring himself to open the door.

Their voices became desperate. Cloud's sobbing became desperate.

Zack finally rushed to the door and opened it. Kunsel stood with his arm raised, looking angry and haggard, still buzzed from their drinking. Beside him frantically stood the psychologist in her pajamas, a groggy child clutched in her arms. Tseng loomed behind them in his uniform with his tie undone, but no emotion on his face.

"Where have you been!" Kunsel immediately shouted. "Why was your phone off?"

The psychologist crossed the threshold before Zack could get in a word, and her child was dumped into his arms. "Where is he?" she said, voice stern but trembling. Again Zack wasn't able to answer, and she was already running to his bedroom. She shut the door behind her. Zack could hear her repeating Cloud's name woefully.

Tseng followed into his apartment without a word or glance. Zack finally snapped.

"What the hell is going on?"

Kunsel began to shout at him, voice slurred with rabid abandon. Nothing he said was making sense — he was repeating unknown events in what seemed like broken sequence, all the more confusing. The young child in Zack's arms began to fuss from the shouting. The fussing turned to crying in an instant. Zack began to shout back, not knowing what he was saying or why.

"That's enough," Tseng said, holding his hand up and silencing everyone but the child. "Kunsel, return to your barrack. Get the situation under control."

"But, sir—"

"Now."

Kunsel stiffened; he hesitated for as long as he could. His eyes locked onto Zack's with such pained anger. Zack felt himself begin to tremble.

"Sir," he said, then turned and left.

"Zack," Tseng said, now turning his attention to him. "Calm down."

The psychologist was murmuring frantically to Cloud from inside the bedroom, but there was no response.

Zack, too, did not respond. He waited for that feeling of foreboding to manifest into whatever words Tseng were about to speak. He felt it coming, creeping toward with arms outstretched.

"Strife has witnessed what appears to be a suicide."

The child in Zack's arms was now howling.

Foreboding now had hold of him, silencing him with its fingers around his neck.

"Infantry Cadet Johnny Ratcliff."

His throat was stinging. Burning. _Stinging_. Swelling with screams and questions and soundless, useless … _fucking useless_ words. Those hands around his neck wouldn't relent. He couldn't say anything. He couldn't _think _anything.

Reno and Cissnei suddenly appeared, both slipping up beside Tseng like a shadow. Cissnei looked visibly concerned, and her eyes bore into Zack's with a mix of emotion which Zack couldn't begin to interpret. Reno leaned into Tseng and murmured something to him. Zack looked down to see that he was holding a plastic bag with a 9mm handgun in it.

They then stepped behind Tseng and stood, blocking the doorway.

Tighter those fingers squeezed.

"Strife needs to accompany me to the infirmary," Tseng said.

"I think not."

Tseng stared at Zack for a moment, allowing Zack's simple words to reach him but not affect him. "Dr. Arolin and a physician will need to speak with him further to asses his condition. Depending on her evaluation, arrangements at the infirmary will be made for in-patient admittance."

"Cloud is going no where. He is speaking to no one. Do you understand me?"

"This is not a discussion."

"He is not leaving with you."

Tseng was quiet again. Reno and Cissnei looked on, somewhat conflicted. Cissnei seemed as though she wanted to speak on Zack's behalf, but Reno put a hand on her shoulder when her mouth opened, silencing her.

The psychologist finally exited, wiping her eyes a bit as she shut the bedroom door. "He's in shock," she said quietly. "He won't say anything to me."

"B-But he's okay, right?" Zack said, rounding on her and unconsciously gripping her child. "H-He doesn't need to go anywhere, right?"

She glanced to Tseng warily, then stepped forward to detach her child from Zack. She bounced him in her arms for a moment to settle him before speaking again. "It's hard to tell at this stage, Mr. Fair. I do think he needs to be seen by—"

"I'll take care of him." Zack looked to Tseng quickly. "She can evaluate him here."

"You are a SOLDIER, Zack. Not a nurse or babysitter."

Zack fell quiet, looking to his bedroom door, hot tears threatening to fill his eyes.

"The Director is right, Zack," Cissnei finally said, taking a step forward. "He needs to be seen by the infirmary staff. If he's in mental shock, it could lead to physical shock …"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Fair," the psychologist whispered.

Zack started to shake his head vehemently, ignoring everything they had to say.

Reno then spoke, voice calm and coaxing. "Yeah, bro, ya dunno what the kid went through earlier. He didn't tell ya nothin', did he, yo?"

Zack was silent still, blinking hard to will not just his tears away, but everyone away as well.

"Dr. Arolin, would you escort Strife to the infirmary?" Tseng said, he, too, ignoring everything anyone had to say. "Cissnei will look after your child."

The psychologist nodded and handed her son over to Cissnei slowly. She gave Zack a nervous glance before turning to his bedroom door.

There was no way out of this. Foreboding was not only silencing him, it was leading him straight to a dark and unknown hell, and dragging Cloud along with it. If he couldn't stop it to save himself … how could he protect Cloud?

"I'll take him," Zack said in defeat, stepping to the door.

The psychologist paused and glanced back to Tseng. Tseng made no attempt to protest anything. She nodded and moved aside.

There was a loud clicking noise from inside the bedroom.

Cloud had locked the door.

* * *

Half an hour passed, and everyone stood by as Cloud refused to leave with definitive silence. Only the soft sound of the blankets rustling, or stifled sobbing was heard throughout that time. Both Cissnei and the psychologist tried their hand at negotiating with Cloud through the door. They even tried to explain in great detail about how he needed medical attention for his shock, but however kind or as blunt as they put it, it fell on deaf ears. Zack tried to urge him to unlock the door, but even that didn't work.

They couldn't carry on like this all night. After a while Tseng was bound to get impatient; Zack was surprised he had waited this long for Cloud to comply. But the longer that they pushed and stalled, the smaller a chance they had at getting through this without Shin-Ra's full intervention.

Breaking down the door was suggested, but the psychologist was against it. She didn't want to scare Cloud and possibly risk any more damage than what was already done to him. Easing him out willingly would be the best way. Impatience got the best of Reno, and he suggested to pick the lock. No one protested, especially when all sounds inside the room had grown quiet.

He squatted down and removed a few tools from one of his pockets, inserting the pick hook into the keyhole. Without warning Cloud suddenly slammed against the door with an angry growl, startling Reno and knocking him backwards. Tseng ordered him to stop. He stood and moved away, cursing under his breath. They at least knew he was conscious, despite the setback.

Zack then moved back to the door like a man approaching a deer on the verge of fleeing. He put his hand on it, pressing his ear against it to hear the heart-wrenching sound of Cloud now weeping into a pillow. "Cloud?" he murmured into the tiny gap between the door and frame. He paused and listened again.

Cloud stopped crying at the sound of his voice, and he heard him shuffling over to the door. He could almost feel Cloud's breath through the gap.

"Cloud, what do you want right now?" he asked, forcing himself to sound strong even though he felt as though he were about to lose it.

There was a soft thump against the door; Cloud had put his hand against it where Zack's resided on the other side.

"You."

Everyone was quiet.

Behind, Tseng gestured for Reno and Cissnei to leave. They obeyed, slipping out of the apartment in the same fashion as they came — just shadows passing along in the darkness. "I will be back in one hour to take Strife to the infirmary," Tseng said, now fixing his tie and straightening up. "If he is unwilling, I will take him into corrective custody. By force if I have to."

"If you're willing to have your men sacrificed tonight by my hand, then just give the order."

Tseng stared at him for a moment, his eyes flickering almost hesitantly, as though finally weighing his words. "See to it that Strife complies by morning," he said simply, then left.

Zack let out a shaky breath when the front door closed, his shoulders sagging and the lump in his throat rising. He nearly forgot that the psychologist was still in the room with him if it hadn't been for the sound of the child whining. He didn't think he could hold back his tears whether she were there or not. He turned away from her to face his bedroom once more, listening closely to the sounds coming from within.

The psychologist moved beside him, one hand reaching out to touch his arm. "I'll stay."

He shook his head.

"But, Mr. Fair —"

He shook his head again, teeth clenched.

Her arm dropped to her side. "I understand," she said, sounding very reluctant. She walked to the front door with her child and stopped before opening it. "Keep a close eye on him. If he gets difficulty breathing, any chest pains, confusion or impaired judgment, it's a sign of shock."

Zack blinked once, tears skimming down his cheeks before disappearing below.

"Are you really going to take him to the infirmary?" she whispered.

"No," he said, trying to compose himself. "Not unless he really needs it."

"I think … that's a wise idea." She opened the door and looked back at him. "Don't hesitate to call me. For anything. You have my number."

She saw herself out, wiping at her own eyes.

Zack staggered to the front door, locking it in a daze. He lowered his head upon it and broke down. He didn't know for how long he cried … it wouldn't be enough. Not nearly. Never enough.

Ratcliff was dead. Graves was dead. Elici was dead. Essai and Sebastian, Angeal; each comrade, each friend snuffed out. All that remained was a fading trail of their memory from where their flame once burned. All they had left was each other. All Cloud had left was Zack.

The bedroom door unlocked very slowly, the action dragged out with hesitation. Zack looked over his shoulder, knowing it wouldn't open on its own, but it was now _unlocked _for _himself _toenter.

He pushed himself away from the front door and began to numbly collect supplies from his bathroom. He grabbed that washcloth to finally clean his own mess on Cloud. He grabbed a second one and soaked it in cold water, and a third soaked in hot water, just in case he needed all three. He grabbed tissues, Cloud's boxers, even a potion from his medicine cabinet. He then walked back to his room, racing through every supply he had, wanting to make sure he had everything which Cloud would need.

Nervously he entered, eyes crawling across the floor and following the shifting moonlight. On the center of the bed Cloud sat naked and trembling, staring at him with such anguish on his face. He stuttered out Zack's name, reaching out to him. Zack dropped everything in his arms.

Cloud just needed him, and he needed Cloud.

He crawled onto the bed, murmuring his name in response with arms outstretched. Cloud allowed him to pull him into a deep embrace. He allowed Zack to kiss him, to brush his tears away once again, to hold him throughout the night … and neither cried alone.

* * *

Cloud went through hours of endless crying and only minutes of sleep caught in between. And even when he did sleep, Zack was scared that it was more than just sleeping, so he woke him every now and then to make sure he was all right. Each time became harder and harder to wake him, but Cloud at least made some sort of verbal grunt or moan, so he knew he was actually sleeping and not unconscious from shock.

Zack did not sleep. Not for a minute.

He spent the hours kissing his head when he fussed, and tending to him. He found himself using that cold washcloth against Cloud's forehead; his skin was both hot and clammy, and pulling back the blankets didn't seem to help in lowering his temperature. He used the warm washcloth to wipe Cloud's bottom and stomach clean of their seed as best he could. That last washcloth was used to tend to Cloud's wounded hand. The flesh had been torn back from his knuckles when he had struck the door, so he dabbed at it and then bandaged it for him.

Zack even gave him a potion when he had noticed his right ankle and foot looked very swollen. He couldn't make sense of that. He lifted Cloud's head into his arm, rousing him as much as he could so he would sip at it. Cloud didn't really drink it. Instead he sputtered it out and cried himself back to sleep in Zack's arms. He didn't know if any of this would help him, but he didn't know what else he could do.

The morning began to gain strength, filling the apartment with unappreciated light. Zack lay in wait for the inevitable knock on his door, but it never came. Tseng never came. All that greeted him was his own restlessness, his own guilt, and a mound of unanswered questions.

Things began to hit him as the hours changed over. Kunsel had tried to warn him that something wasn't right. Cloud had tried to warn him. He saw the warnings. Ratcliff … oh gods … Ratcliff. What could have drove him to do that?

Maybe he should have allowed the psychologist to stay, but he wanted to be left alone and he wanted to be left alone with Cloud. Was that so much to ask? Maybe he shouldn't have been so selfish to wish that everyone who was trying to help would just disappear. _Were_ they even trying to help? Did they even _need_ help?

Zack pulled Cloud's body close, choking out a sob as he huddled themselves together, avoiding a ray of sunlight hitting his bed. He didn't want it to be morning. He wanted time to be suspended where they had been hours before when the sun was still down, when nothing else mattered but the union of their bodies and souls.

Was it selfish to wish that none of this had happened? Ratcliff, Graves, Elici … Mejia … if Mejia hadn't been that catalyst of chaos, would they all still be alive? Cloud, would he still be suffering, and would they still have their love?

Cloud stirred, and Zack prepared himself for another bout of crying, but he only moved closer, burying his face against Zack's chest. He let out a moaning sigh while trembling, and Zack couldn't tell if he were crying. After a few minutes passed by and the sunlight began to crawl across their bodies, he could feel hot liquid rolling down his skin.

Would it all be worth his suffering?

Morning shifted to early afternoon with an air of false peace. If it hadn't been for the pain in his chest, this could have easily been mistaken as a carefree moment filled with nothing but carefree thoughts. It would have been the moment they should have had lying in each others arms as the sun rolled past, reflecting on the deep secret of their lovemaking. Maybe words would be shy, but their gaze and their smiles would have spoken for their hearts when their mouths could not.

Their lovemaking … was that lovemaking? Or was it _impaired judgment_ fueled by a broken mind, aching hearts, and alcohol? The thought made every nerve inside Zack lurch and twist, entangling around this possibility despite the voice inside his mind telling him otherwise. Cloud had confessed to that intimate beauty of his own will. Every bit of it had been exposed, left vulnerable to the elements of doubt. It was all there for Zack to interpret and to accept. And he had accepted it as nothing but what it should have been all along — love. Just love with nothing hiding, nothing to derail him, or to question.

He felt robbed of everything — happiness, strength, normalcy … life.

* * *

There was a knock on his door around one. He didn't want to leave Cloud, but his gut began to gnaw at the possibility that it was Tseng. He began to prepare for the upcoming fight, whether verbal or physical, but was surprised to open the door and see Reno. He was even more surprised to see how worn he appeared. By the look Reno gave him in return, he assumed he appeared the same. It also appeared that Reno was assigned to monitor him again. This came at no surprise.

"No one brought you coffee throughout the night?" Zack asked.

Reno motioned behind him, down to three empty coffee cups strewn across the floor in the hallway, mingling with double the amount of cigarette butts. "Could use another," he said.

Zack invited him in, and the scent of coffee soon filled the air. It was strong, but not strong enough to cover the smell of sweat and Cloud's skin against his own. He found himself closing his eyes and breathing in. No matter how hard he focused on it, it wasn't enough to distract him, if even for a second. He was scared to find out what Reno wanted or had to say to him.

"He found the kid … above that cadet's body," Reno began once he had downed most of his mug. He had now lit a cigarette and was using the rest of the coffee to extinguish the falling ash. "Ya know, Kunsel did, after you guys were done drinkin'."

Zack set his coffee down. It was becoming bitter quickly against his tongue. It was making his eyes sting.  
"Shot himself in the head, yo. The kid made him a tourniquet. He tried to do CPR. Hell, he kicked in the steel materia case inside the barrack. Scattered it all around. Tried to use Revive and Cure on him. Nothin' worked, yo."

That explained his swollen ankle. To kick in one of those cases enough for it to open was an incredible feat. He was surprised he hadn't broken any bones in the process. Maybe he had; Zack wouldn't know.

"Kunsel found him hysterical," Reno continued, voice low. "Hunched over that cadet's body with his arms around his head, clutchin' him … cryin', wailin'." Reno paused for a moment, taking in a long drag of his cigarette. His eyes never left Zack's. "He had to pry the kid away, yo. He just wouldn't let go."

Zack squeezed his eyes shut and turned away. Too quickly his throat filled with a burning lump, and he did everything in his power not to let it consume him, but it was impossible. Not when the imagery of Cloud holding Ratcliff's body in his mind haunted him.

"By then, help was comin'. Medic team and all, yo. They came and took the body away, then sent for another team to escort the kid to the infirmary. They needed to tranq him. They had to, ya know? He was freakin' out big time, yo." He fell silent for a minute as he took one last drag of his cigarette. He looked towards Zack's bedroom door as he did so. "Me and Cissnei could hear him all the way in the elevator when we arrived on the floor. When we got there, the kid took the first opportunity to run off the moment we all got distracted with talkin' to each other, yo."

"And … he ran here?"

"Seems that way, yo."

He was feeling sick to his stomach now, but he knew that whatever he felt would be lost in a sea of meaninglessness compared to what Cloud was going through. But Zack did know what he was going through, and that was why his heart was searing with pain, that was why he wanted to kick and scream and hurt someone — it didn't matter who — until he couldn't any longer. None of it would bring anyone back, not Cloud's friends, not his own, but what else could he do? What else would he be good for doing?

"'Member that clip we found? In the basement in Kalm?" Reno said, now dropping the cigarette butt into the mug without consideration. "Found the gun it belonged to, yo." He waited for Zack to turn and look at him. It took him a while, as he had been fighting off the torrent of emotions. Reno spoke when Zack finally made eye contact with him. "Yeah, your gut's not deceivin' ya," he said when Zack's gaze hardened. "It was Mejia's, yo."

Zack slapped his own coffee cup away with fury. It flew off the bar counter and crashed onto the floor, shattering into pieces of ceramic and puddles of coffee. Reno didn't flinch, not even when Zack went on a tirade of foul, venomous words. Not even when he shook and openly sobbed, those foul words now only a smattering of coherency. To hear that man's name again, to know that he indirectly played a role in Ratcliff's death after everything he had already done, made Zack teem on insanity.

Reno merely sat and watched as he paced around the kitchen, tongue alight with embers of anger, face stricken with tears and emotions which no one would dare to calm or to challenge. He allowed him whichever reaction would help to ease everything, yet nothing seemed to work. Zack continued, losing himself to feelings which would never go away, to a memory of a friend who would never return, to the hatred of another who had stolen so much.

Inevitably Zack tired himself out, leaving his voice hoarse and face worn from exhaustion. The broken coffee cup was left to lie there, made insignificant by words, then forgotten. Reno could say nothing to comfort, so he stood and gave Zack a pat on the shoulder, a look of sympathy in his eyes yet none in the rest of his expression. He told Zack that Tseng was not happy about all this, and that if Cloud didn't go to the infirmary to be evaluated, he would be discharged from the army. And he left.

Reno had only been there to deliver a message. He had only been outside his door for hours to monitor him, not because he cared or that he was worried. It was all on an order. He had helped him in the past, but now they were even. Now Reno no longer owed him, nor Cloud anything.

Cloud truly was all which he had left as someone he could trust, and he only hoped that Cloud felt the same about him.

But he didn't know how he could convince him to go to the infirmary, not when there had been so many things hidden from each other, not when Zack knew so little about what had happened to both Cloud and Ratcliff in the past few months. Not when Zack didn't want him to go.

He found himself moving towards his bedroom, stepping over the pieces of the coffee mug, past the bathroom which remained defiled in an innocent's blood, into his bedroom where love and pain lay as a tangible being upon his bed. Cloud was entangled in the messy sheets on which they had made love, avoiding the sunlight in his slumber as though avoiding reality. How Zack wished he could help him avoid it. How he wished he could avoid it himself. How he wished he could take away the past pain, the present and the future which Cloud would feel. How he wished Cloud could continue to sleep peacefully like this.

Their reality was a web of lies, and it was a powerless fight. It was not a lazy morning in the sunlight, it was not coffee with a little bit of chocolate, it was not a sitcom playing softly in the background. It was not grilled cheese sandwiches or sappy nicknames, kissing by the fountain, or sharing laughter together. It was not what Zack hoped it to be, or what Cloud deserved. It was death.

He stared down at him with reddened eyes, watching as he slept on his side, curled up. His chest rose and fell scarcely. Only the tips of his soft hair were in the sun, part of his hand which had outstretched towards Zack's side of the bed, the tip of his knee which was bent slightly and caused his foot to cover the swollen ankle of his other leg. He was naked and beautiful, and all his to love and to cry with, to face reality with.

"Cloud," he said, slipping onto the bed beside him, body curling against his and molding to him. His skin was warm, still slightly clammy, rich with the hints of sweat, saliva. "Cloud, can you wake?" His hand trailed up his arm to his shoulder and into his hair. The feel of it reminded him of everything which was right in the world, and he couldn't find his voice to speak again. For a while longer he lay there, unable to fight more tears as he watched him sleep, passing by through time in a bubble, untouchable for now until Zack could speak once more.

Maybe if Cloud were to open up to him, he could avoid taking him to the infirmary. If Zack could confirm that he would be able to get through this, even though doubt weighed heavily on him, maybe Tseng would allow him to stay far away from the infirmary. Maybe … Zack would be able to save him after all.

"Cloud," he said again, hand sifting deeper into his hair, body molding closer. "Baby, wake up. We need to talk." His hand moved down to his shoulder when Cloud remained asleep. He shook it, then shook it again when there was no response. "Cloud?" He sat up, staring down at his placid face, and shook him another time. And again. Panic began to swarm him.

He rattled his shoulder, calling his name louder each time.

Cloud wouldn't wake.

* * *

… To be continued in Chapter Fifty-Seven: Say Goodbye.

Ending Author's Note: Oh. My. Glob. I don't even know where to being with the apologies about the lateness of this chapter. I can't even … like, seriously, I am ashamed that it let it go for as long as I did. I had been writing this chapter back in December. I just finished it a mere hour ago.

Life has been a rough Mfer to me the past few months. As of January, I am no longer working due to my health. My doctor pulled me out. So you'd think I'd have more time to write, but damn it all Tumblr is very distracting. And art, I've been doing a lot more art lately. C: Also, family drama is continuing with my dad and his cancer, and to make things even worse, my doggie's spine had an issue which left him paralyzed in his hind legs for many weeks. All that happened on my birthday in February. He's finally able to walk again, but his bladder (which was affected) is still bad. Poor guy has to be locked up all the time to make sure he doesn't relapse. Ugh. I swear my family is cursed.

ANYWAY. Short chapter is short, long author's note is long.

Fan-art alert!

My darling Kitsuchi-chan did this for me a long, long time ago, but again since I haven't updated there was no way to share it with everyone! It's fan-art for the previous chapter! Mmmm sexy sexy fun times. (Remove the spaces)

http : / / kitsuchi-chan. Deviantart. com/ art/ The-Perfect-Truth-277448712

It's so beautiful. And look closely, there are hidden words!

**EDIT 04-30-12: MORE FAN-ART!**

This is by the lovely Advent-Traitor on deviantART! Remove the spaces!

http : / / advent-traitor. deviantart. com/ art/ Falling-Farther-Away-298283259

I really love Cloud's expression in this! As well as Zack's pose. w ; It just really shows so much emotion! Thank you both for the lovely art!

I have no idea when the next chapter is going to be. I haven't even started it yet. I never update without having another chapter done ahead of time, but it had been so long since the last update that you all deserved something. If you want to get updates on the story, you can bug me on my tumblr: www. ziggypasta. Tumblr. Com or on twitter or on deviantART, or on here. I don't care which.

Gah anyway, I'm sure I could go on forever about stuff and junk, so I'll just shut up.

Love you all!

-Ziggy


	57. Chapter Fifty-Seven: Say Goodbye

Chapter Fifty-Seven: Say Goodbye

* * *

Evening came. Zack was only able to rouse Cloud once. It had taken a lot of jarring and near shouting at him to wake him, but eventually he did. Seeing his eyes open but not hold any sort of light just served to continue Zack's worry, although it had been lessened from the panic he had been feeling during his attempts to rouse him. Cloud just stayed awake long enough to stumble to the bathroom in silence. He did not acknowledge Zack, nor his own injuries. He did not acknowledge his uniform that lay by the toilet, smeared in Ratcliff's blood. He did not acknowledge Ratcliff's suicide.

Cloud vomited, sobbed, then exited.

Zack had skirted behind him after he finished and made his way back to the bedroom. Cloud swayed in a daze without uttering another sound. There had been something haunting about the way he walked, as though a part of him had died, as though his very purpose had been defeated. He sank down onto the bed and sobbed himself to sleep.

This behavior continued for the next few days. When Cloud was not crying, he was sleeping. When he was not sleeping, he was crying. He ate little, moved even less. By now, the only thing he acknowledged was Zack's presence, and that was by crying harder if Zack were to stroke or kiss him. As time passed, sleep began to claim his crying. That was all Cloud seemed capable of doing.

The psychologist stopped by several times. Cloud refused to talk to her in the moments that he stayed awake long enough during her visits, and most of that was to take care of his basic needs. The psychologist advised Zack that this was a possible symptom of those dealing with tragedy and depression, but that served as little consolation to him. Over time these acute symptoms should wear off, she said; however, if Cloud was unable to overcome the initial bereavement, he would need help. This was of no consolation.

No symptom lessened. For a week longer, Cloud was fixed in a translucent limbo. Zack could only look in, powerless when it came to consoling him, only able to watch him exist day to day with meager scraps of sanity, fed to him during the brief moments when he could cry no longer, when all he could do was breathe and rest. These moments were no more nourishing than trite condolences Zack offered for all that had happened. Cloud would once again starve for something that Zack could not give.

It was becoming more apparent that Cloud needed help, help that Zack was reluctant to give. There was so little that he trusted, and who he trusted, that he began to distrust his own decisions.

Yet he knew—they both knew—that the inevitable was coming.

* * *

The funeral ceremony for Johnny Ratcliff came eleven days after his death. It had taken time to contact his only remaining family member, and for that member to make his way from Icicle to near the Chocobo Farm where Ratcliff's body was being laid to rest. It was an unremarkable day in terms of weather. There was no dramatic rain as one would see often in the movies, not even grayly shrouded skies. There was a delicate breeze, carried far from the ocean, its unique scent having been weakened on its journey there. It was barely strong enough to cause the endless green fields to bow in respect, but it did well to help dry the tears on the faces of those few who gathered. The sun shined brightly, oblivious to the sorrow below it, but not shining obliviously to at least one person there. Cloud noticed it. Its warmth reminded him of Ratcliff's smile. It was something he did not wish to remember at that moment, but no sooner would he ever wish to forget it.

No one bothered to keep track of who showed up to the burial; it wasn't very many. Zack was right alongside Cloud, standing protectively and ready to console while trying his hardest to remain sound. Kunsel, too, who drove them both there in silence. He did not shed any tears, but the sorrow apparent in his face was more than enough to convey.

The psychologist was there without child. She was muffling her sobs behind a fraying tissue, paying Ratcliff her respects, but thinking of her late husband as well, with every right. Elici's wife and child were present, the wife coddling her boy's face against her neck to comfort him, but was thinking about how she no longer had anyone to return this gesture. Haskin, Kumpf, and Zabalza attended, all solemn with heavy expressions. The boy, Pawn, stood nearby, sickly shaking from undeserving guilt of knowing too much.

Cissnei and Reno also attended, but from afar. Cissnei looked native, holding a sympathetic look and watching with as much respect as a stranger could. Reno appeared out of place. He only seemed to be there to observe, as though he had been passing by and stopped to watch when he found the crying faces to be curious. His eyes were fixed more on Cloud and Zack than the deceased being lowered into the dirt.

Aside from the two gravediggers, who only worked with diligence to get the job done, there was one other standing beside the fresh mound of overturned dirt. To Cloud, it was strange to see someone not of the army or from Shin-Ra at the funeral. He was taken by surprise when a man in his late twenties with long, shoulder-length hair and body-piercings on every part of his face, introduced himself as Joey Ratcliff, Johnny's older brother and only remaining family member.

Joey had a tired look, as though he had lived for years longer than he really had. He welled the weariness of an elder in the struggles of endless hardship. There were faint traces of wrinkles that branched from his eyes like budding sprigs on a sapling, new and insignificant now, but holding promise to grow into the boughs of an old, mighty tree. Vitality was lacking in his skin, skin that wrapped around thinning muscles and bones that ached of a long life. His shoulders drooped low and inward, but had been that way for longer than his brother had been gone. Gray strands of hair hid between blond and were only noticed by those who bothered to observe this frail man; those who were sympathetic enough to take one look at him and put themselves in his shoes to try to figure out what kind of life he possibly led to appear this way so soon.

But it was more painful than strange, for Joey and Ratcliff resembled each other in features, voice and smile, albeit Joey's was brief and empty. It was hard to hold eye contact with him, so Cloud didn't. Zack sensed this, and his hand was down by Cloud's to grip it very tight without hesitance, silently telling him that it was okay not to look. In fact, all who cared about Ratcliff were unable to hold Joey's gaze for very long, but Joey seemed understanding to this difficulty. He, too, did not make much eye contact with anyone. Even after the last shovel of dirt was tossed upon the remains, long after the mourners had said their goodbyes and left, Joey remained to himself.

Cloud and Zack observed him for a long time. Joey stood, staring to the dirt and sharing an intimate moment with Ratcliff's memory. In an instant, he was able to relive their whole lives together; perhaps an early memory of their childhood, times when they laughed, times of great happiness and others of great sorrow, arguments and apologies, meals shared, games played, traditions upheld; and secrets created, which dare not ever be spoken. All these thoughts would be his alone to relive fondly, and his alone to suffer through.

Cloud had his own memories, perhaps ones that didn't run as far or as deep as Joey's did, but they were as personal. And they were painful. The sad memories were of a natural, expected hurt, but it was the lighthearted that became corrupted. The thought of Ratcliff having been standing alive and next to him not two weeks prior, laughing and loving, now gone forever in an instant burned his heart black.

Ratcliff had once been here. He had. Everything about him had been alive and true. His voice was still sounding in Cloud's ears: _'I'm sorry, yeah? About everything'. _Cloud's last words to him were still fresh on his tongue: _'I do' _and_ 'Goodnight'. _The thump of Ratcliff's heart that had been beating so heavily against Cloud as they embraced for what would be the last time still held residual life in Cloud's own heart. He could still feel the heat of Ratcliff's blood on his skin.

As Cloud remembered his friend, who still seemed so very alive, the image of Ratcliff's handwriting flourished across his vision. What he had read of his final note was what he fought to forget. It was the rest that he had yet to read which he fought to resist: '_… keep him close, because in this life with these monsters, you'll never know when you'll lose the one you love to death …' _

He wanted to forget this note, yet he now kept it close at all times, tucked away inside his pocket. This was his alone to suffer through.

The wind began to pick up. It was a reminder to Joey, Cloud, and Zack to move again, to keep breathing, to continue. Joey raised his head and turned to face his observers with downcast eyes and a polite, still empty smile. He gestured for them to approach, and then he stepped aside, allowing them their turn in saying goodbye. Zack stayed behind several steps after murmuring to Cloud that he would be right there for him.

This brand-new grave sat side-by-side to one other, both nestled beneath the swaying shade of a lone tree. The other grave was relatively new in respect to the eternity it would stay, but it seemed old with how it was already forgotten. When Cloud fully approached, he realized that he had not visited Mick Elici's grave since his funeral. There was also one other grave missing.

Guilt pressed upon him so much that he began to falter. It started in his feet; a cold numbing sensation. It then spread rapidly up through his legs and to his hips. He sank down, his knees being lost in the moist, vulnerable earth. Behind him, Zack stepped forward in fear, but stopped when Cloud began to openly weep, uncaring of how noisy he was, or who was left to hear him.

Cloud realized that no matter how loud he was, or how desperate he became, Mick Elici, Casey Graves, and Johnny Ratcliff would never hear him again. They were dead, and he was left to grieve and to carry the guilt of being unable to change any of it until the day he joined them.

* * *

Zack and Joey allowed Cloud to take as long as he needed beside the two graves, and a long time he took. Neither man dared to hurry him, nor even approach. They stayed back and not once thought to let their patience slip. The sun was lower, growing dimmer. It finally had witnessed the mourning below, and as a courtesy it thought to submerge itself in the rich, deeper colors of the evening. It was a kindness that was overlooked.

In what was left of the fading daylight, Cloud clambered to his numb and icy feet and began a search of the ground. He walked past the lone tree, shuffling through the tall grass and causing it to part around his legs. Each blade of grass that brushed past his shins or beneath his feet had never been touched by anything other than the wind or the rain. Now each became easily disturbed, even crushed by this single person. Behind was left a trail of broken grass, where some blades began to immediately raise, and others stayed down, perhaps to wilt and die.

Cloud came upon what he was looking for in his search; it didn't take long, despite the tall grass obscuring most of the ground. It was a rock, modest in size, smooth, and fitting for what he needed. He picked it up with some difficulty, and found it even more difficult to carry it back to the lone tree, as he had walked far out to find it. The rock grew heavier in his arms with each step, and by the time he made it back, the muscles in his arms and legs were weakened and his breath very labored.

Zack watched the entire search with intensity, as did Joey. It wasn't until Cloud dropped the rock next to Ratcliff's grave did Zack ask, "What're you doing?"

"Making a grave for Graves," Cloud said.

Neither Zack nor Joey were close enough to hear Cloud's heavy breathing, or to see the tremble in his legs. They could only see as he dropped once again to his knees, and arranged the rock between Elici's grave, and Ratcliff's grave.

Zack caught Joey looking at him in the corner of his eye. At first, he didn't want to face Joey, or the likeness of his brother held within him, but he did. He found himself regretting it when Joey smiled.

"Johnny told me a lot about you, and especially Cloud," Joey started simply. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigarette. He offered one to Zack after he placed one between his lips, but Zack silently declined. "He cared a great deal about Cloud."

"He cared a great deal about everyone," Zack said.

Joey hummed in thought, a non-committal noise that made Zack feel uneasy. "He cared too much sometimes." He didn't wait for Zack to inquire further as to what he meant. "Johnny told me everything that Angels did to Cloud. He did the same to my brother, you know. Even after all that Angels did to Johnny and his friends, Johnny still cared for him."

Zack looked away and over to Cloud without responding. He watched as Cloud scratched words onto the surface of the makeshift headstone using a smaller rock in his hand. It was most likely Graves' full name that he was carving, but from where he stood, Zack couldn't see. That uneasy feeling grew stronger.

"I really hope you get that man one day," Joey said.

"Your brother didn't tell you? Mejia is dead."

Joey hummed again. "Johnny didn't think so. At least, not in his last letters."

Zack looked to him and allowed his gaze to turn indignant, angry. "What do you mean?"

Instead of being fearful, Joey seemed understanding to his change in demeanor, almost sympathetic. "Johnny thought Angels had something to do with your friend Casey's death."

"Impossible. He's dead."

Joey took a short drag of his cigarette, blowing out the smoke before he pulled the filter away from his lips. He shook his head. "Your friends are the ones dead, and by Angels' hand."

"He's dead!" Zack yelled. His voice ripped through the wind and echoed far past the fields, across mountains and trees, down into the earth, straight into Cloud.

Cloud stopped scratching at the rock and sat frozen until the echo of Zack's words disappeared. He began sobbing.

"I figured you'd want to know that was what Johnny was thinking," Joey said.

Zack ignored him and rushed over to Cloud, sinking down on his knees beside him. He turned Cloud's face into his neck where he continued to cry until the sun was gone and replaced by the night.

Joey left not long after those few words were exchanged. The only ones remaining by the lone tree were Cloud and Zack, with Kunsel waiting in his truck in the distance. It was time to go. There was nothing more that could be said or done, thought of or remembered. Zack urged Cloud to stand, but he made no effort to try on his own. Cloud was reluctant to leave his friends in the ground, to leave the memory of them behind in some forgotten field. Zack didn't have the heart to be the one to convince him further, not even when Cloud pulled away from him to lie on the dirt between their graves where he cried himself to sleep.

Eventually, Kunsel pulled the truck around and walked over to help move Cloud into the truck for the long ride home. When Zack scooped him up, he noticed the rock that Cloud had been using dropped from his hand. It was irregularly shaped, and sharp on several of its sides. It had traces of Cloud's blood on it, and Zack looked down at his hand to see that he had been gripping the rock very tight as he used it, and the edges bore into his flesh. Kunsel saw it, too, and they both looked to the headstone and saw that Cloud had indeed been carving Graves' name onto the surface. His last name was unfinished, so Zack passed Cloud's sleeping body to Kunsel, picked up the rock, and finished the name.

Kunsel held Cloud until Zack climbed into the seat of the truck, then he gently set Cloud onto Zack's lap, where the boy slumped against him lifelessly and remained that way.

As they drove away, Zack watched the reflection of the lone tree grow smaller and further in the side mirror. He bid his friends a silent goodbye. When the image was finally gone, he glanced to Kunsel, whose eyes darted from the rear-view mirror back to the path ahead. Zack then looked to Cloud, whose face was resting against his shoulder. He was expecting to see Cloud asleep, but his eyes were open and staring out the back window of the truck. Cloud was bidding his final goodbyes, as well.

* * *

They returned to Midgar very late. The streets and motorways were barren; a stark contrast to how lively the city was during the day. It served as a somber reminder of what they had just left behind. Cloud had slipped into sleep again not long after they departed, and had stayed that way throughout the rest of the trip. They didn't have to stop for his motion sickness, which they had been prepared to do, but instead to allow Zack to stretch his legs from having Cloud's weight on them. Cloud didn't stir while being handled inside the truck, and now he continued to lie dormant in Zack's arms as they pulled into Shin-Ra's underground parking.

Kunsel helped Zack carry Cloud up to the 1st Class SOLDIER floor. The two hadn't said much of anything to each other on the ride, not even when they took a brief moment to say goodnight. It was a few simple words, and Kunsel went his own way, while Zack went his. He waited until the elevator descended before he pulled Cloud's arm from off his shoulder and scooped him up in his arms to continue carrying him. Cloud made a soft sound, as though letting Zack know he was still alive, and his head rolled to the side and buried against Zack's chest. Zack looked down at him with sadness, and for a moment, he contemplated turning around and taking him to the infirmary.

He stood still and struggled with both premonition and his instinct. He was waiting and willing for Cloud to wake, to smile at him in a daze and mumble something to let him know that he was going to be fine, that taking him to the infirmary would be a waste of time.

But Cloud continued to sleep in his arms, and Zack received no other sign. He only had that premonition. It was enough to frighten him.

There was someone standing at his door, rigid and professional. It was Tseng. Zack gripped Cloud tight. One of the elevators dinged behind him, and out slithered two more—Reno and Cissnei. They came up behind with purpose, boxing him in between Tseng, who was still standing at his door in wait. Zack gripped Cloud tighter. Cloud made a sound of discomfort, but he didn't stir any further.

He stopped in front of Tseng, feeling the other two Turks hovering behind him. It was cunning for them to corner him when he held Cloud's fragile body in his arms; when they were both so vulnerable. He wouldn't be able to escape, not peaceably. Tseng must have anticipated this, yet he made no indication that he had any plans to fight if Zack were to become hostile.

Zack couldn't see, but Reno and Cissnei had their weapons at the ready.

"You were given plenty of time," Tseng began, his voice holding no hint of care, not even artificial sympathy, "more than enough to help Strife seek treatment."

"Your point?"

"My point has already been made," Tseng said.

"And my point was that your point was pointless," Zack said quickly.

Reno snorted behind him.

Tseng was unfazed by any humor or threat that were in Zack's words. "I think I've been more than gracious with this matter, Zack. I've been understanding. What I won't be is disobeyed."

Zack thought hard about it, but in no more time than it took to exhale an angry breath. He knew this had been coming all along, and he could sense the Turks behind him stepping closer after he caught a subtle flicker in Tseng's eyes.

"I'll talk it over with him," Zack finally said.

Tseng's eyes flicked once more, and his two Turks stepped backwards. "See that you do. If not, then I will." He passed around Zack, paying no mind to the unconscious Cloud, or to the SOLDIER who was following his movements with an illimitable glare. When he passed Cissnei, he nodded to her. She stayed behind, while he left in the elevator with Reno.

Cissnei hurried to Zack's door when she saw him struggling to get it open. She held it for him, but only received silence as a thank you when Zack stepped through with Cloud. She followed him to his bedroom and offered the same courtesy, and pulled back the blankets on the bed before Zack set Cloud down. All was without thanks, or even eye contact.

First, Zack took care to remove Cloud's boots, then his socks. He rubbed at his feet idly, watching his face for any sign of pain when he touched his healing foot. He also was idly waiting for Cissnei to see herself out, but she stood in silence, without intimidation. She only observed, but Zack felt as though she loomed above them, waiting for the moment to prey upon them in their weakness.

"Are you here to follow through?" Zack said to her over his shoulder. "Because I'm not taking him. Not now."

"No, but I am assigned to ensure you do by tomorrow."

"You don't need to stand here to ensure that."

"I know," she said with kindness, "I was making sure you're both okay."

"You see that we're fine. So go."

Cissnei crossed her arms, and when she spoke, her voice was almost maternal. "He's skinny, Zack."

"So what?" Zack said, scooting close to Cloud's body on the bed, as though to shield him from any more scrutiny, no matter how accurate it was. "So are you."

She ignored his comment, but not how it was laden with defensiveness. "Hiding him away is in no way beneficial to his health, or yours."

Zack remembered how reluctant the psychologist was to take Cloud to the infirmary the night Ratcliff had killed himself. It perpetuated so much of his paranoia. He wondered if he was slowly becoming the one with the impaired judgment, or if there was any valid reason behind it.

"Tell me one thing, Cissnei. Should I trust you?"

"No."

He scoffed. "I thought so."

Cissnei stepped into Zack's view, and he looked up at her for a brief moment before looking away. "But you still can."

"I won't."

"I know you won't. But, you don't have many you can trust."

"I don't have anyone."

Cissnei motioned to Cloud, who was breathing lightly and looking peaceful for once as he slept. "You have him. That should be reason enough to make sure he gets healthy again, no matter what it takes."

Her words began to sink in. Zack stopped rubbing Cloud's feet and looked down at them, realizing how bony they felt, as if he were to press any harder, he'd shatter each bone inside. His eyes moved to Cloud's thinning hands that lay at his sides. Zack picked one up gently and placed it on Cloud's stomach with care. It was like a child's hand—light and small, one that he would want to hold and never let go for fear of harm coming to him. But he released his hand, his own then trailing across Cloud's stomach, which was concave and frightening thin to how it used to be. Cloud was more than just skinny. He was wasting, and his spirit was long since stripped of the essence that defined him. A shell hardly remained of both his body and mind.

Zack folded across Cloud's body and wept into his chest. It was silent and still, but Cissnei knew. It was in that silence, and in her sympathy that she could feel Zack's pain. She placed a hand upon his shoulder, looking first to him, then to Cloud as she spoke.

"I'll be outside the door if you need anything."

Zack shook his head. Cissnei hesitated and squeezed his shoulder.

"You don't have to worry about him going alone," she said, then hesitated further. "Tseng not only wants him to see Dr. Arolin, he … wants you to see her, as well."

The shoulder beneath her hand tensed. Zack's weeping stopped. He raised his head and shrugged out of her grasp as every word of protest began to collect on his tongue. Cissnei was beginning to form her own defense against his, but Zack remembered, truly remembered that the psychologist was _reluctant_. Cloud's own psychologist did not want him initially to seek medical treatment when he in every right should have. Instead, she came to them to check up on him; she offered her phone number and services to them on her own time. There was a reason for it, for his paranoia being justified.

"Understood," Zack said, "we'll both go."

* * *

In the morning, they did both go as promised. It was a hard fight against himself on the matter, let alone one with Cloud. It was a battle to wake him, and the battle only got worse when Zack explained that he needed help at the infirmary since he was no longer functioning properly. How the boy did cry, and how he refused and clutched at Zack, and begged not to be taken there. Zack couldn't do anything more but to be honest with him.

"I'm not doing this to upset you, baby. It's an order from Tseng. If you don't comply, you'll be discharged," Zack said, wiping away Cloud's tears as he cried harder.

Cloud shook his head, and his bottom lip quivered as if to say something, but nothing came out. He clutched at Zack's arms with desperation.

"If I could keep you safe from this pain, I would. But I can't anymore."

"Th-Think of something," Cloud pleaded.

Zack continued to wipe Cloud's face, that beautiful face which was consumed with a hope that Zack felt he were about to maim with reality. "I've thought of everything, I have, but my hands are tied. I thought I could protect and take care of you, but I'm useless."

"N-No," Cloud said, his head shaking rapidly as the hope on his face became dead to despair. "That's not true, that's not—"

"It is true, Cloud. You—_we_ need help. If you won't go to the infirmary, then we at least have to go see Dr. Arolin. Together."

"To … gether?"

"That's right." Zack held Cloud's face in his hands and kissed his forehead with eyes closed. He pulled away as slowly as he could, careful to express all his support and assurance in that single kiss. "I'll be there with you," he whispered. "We'll both go talk to her. We'll get through this, because we're all we have. We can't afford to lose each other after losing so much already."

There was a hand brushing against his cheek, and he opened his eyes to see Cloud looking at him with his own faint traces of assurance. He brought up his other hand, and his thumb brushed against Zack's other cheek, beneath his eye.

Zack had not realized that he, too, was crying.

Cloud couldn't speak, but he nodded and mouthed an okay to go.

* * *

Cissnei was not where Zack expected her to be when they left his quarters. He assumed she would be standing out by his door in wait, but she wasn't. It made him nervous to think where she, Reno or Tseng, could be and why they weren't seeing to it that he followed through like they said they were going to.

They made their way to the psychologist's office as promised to one another, regardless of how reluctant they were. Their pace was slow, almost like they were strolling through a park on a date. Cloud was clearly uncomfortable with the pace, so they walked faster. Perhaps he wanted to get it over and done with as fast as possible. Zack fought every urge to hold his hand as they made their way there. There were too many people around in the halls, and he still was on the lookout for signs of Turk shadows. Even if they were walking alone, Cloud's hands were too busy wringing together for Zack to grab hold. He did, however, reach over and squeeze Cloud's shoulder in a gesture to calm him.

"It'll be fine," Zack murmured with a smile.

Cloud looked over at him, but their eyes met briefly before he looked away and continued to wring his hands with renewed vigor.

The psychologist's office was alight with soft music and a low chatter. The receptionist tapped away at the computer on her desk, with the phone to her ear and another patient standing before her and trying to inform her of something she most likely was too busy to hear. So Zack and Cloud sat in wait. Zack sat nearest to the desk, next to an end table full of magazines he never considered reading, and instead tried to read Cloud's body language. There wasn't much of it. He sat closest to the door, rigid and on the edge of the seat, eyes locked onto a doorway down the hall.

It was a full ten minutes before the receptionist was off the phone and done with the patient before she glanced to Zack, then over to Cloud. Her eyes widened in shock when she saw Cloud. It could have been because she wasn't expecting to see him, or that he was being accompanied by Zack. Or perhaps it was because he was frail, no longer the person she remembered working with, albeit such a short time. The shock in her eyes turned to a moment of sorrow before she resumed her professional demeanor.

"Here for Dr. Arolin?" she asked, but didn't wait for a response before moving away from the desk, then down the hall. "I'll see if she's available."

Cloud's eyes followed her as she disappeared down the hallway. They sat for only a few tense seconds before she returned with the psychologist following behind. The psychologist stood at the end of the hallway and surveyed them in awkward hesitance. She shifted on her feet before walking to them. She slipped onto one of the seats beside Cloud, who still stared down the hallway as though petrified.

"Come with me," she whispered, and she hovered her hand at his arm and waited for him to stand. "Come on," she whispered again, this time giving his arm a light touch to persuade him.

Cloud flinched. Yet, his gaze never left one of the doors down the hall, even as his eye twitched as if begging for him to blink.

"Cloud, we have to, remember? We've made it this far, we can go just a bit further," Zack said, standing and then sliding onto the seat on the other side of Cloud. He placed his hand on his other arm, and tried to urge him to move. "I'll be there with you, right?" He looked to the psychologist then for her approval. She shook her head grimly. "No …?"

"I'm afraid it's against regulations."

Zack grew fearful that Cloud would back out of the agreement, but after one final little push, he rose to his feet.

"I'll be waiting out here for you," Zack said sadly.

As Cloud and the psychologist passed the first door, Zack saw her hurry him past it, and he thought he heard her mutter, "Don't look."

Zack found himself now staring at the door, and that premonition from the previous night was back again.

The air conditioner was off; that was the first thing Cloud noticed when he stepped foot in her office. And despite this, Cloud was welcomed with a different kind of chill. It was one he felt on his own when he sat on her couch, next to that little beaded pillow of which he had grown fond. A silence was settled upon him since the vent above his head was not blowing air, nor bringing the sound of other voices—a particular voice—through it. The sights and smells inside her office were the same; cheerful but professional décor, old books and clean fibers of the rug, the wood which made up her desk. With everything appearing the same, Cloud wondered why it felt so unfamiliar.

But different circumstances had brought him there.

All of the past ones that caused him to sit on that couch seemed inconsequential. He felt ashamed for those reasons. Those trivial, meaningless, _pathetic _reasons for seeing this woman; for using up her time and her tissues, for clutching that pillow for such equally pathetic needs_. _He had lost and he had suffered, but what was all that compared to how he suffered and what—who—was gone now?

It was so much different. And absolutely foreign.

For a while the psychologist observed him and asked gentle questions that Cloud failed to hear. She stood from her desk and began to pace as the questions turned more direct, and then to questions that led to deeper questions, then to follow-up questions if Cloud actually gave an answer. The most he offered were nods, head shakes, shrugs, or just affirmative silence. He never met her gaze.

Not until she stopped pacing, leaned against her desk and asked him, "Are you hurt?"

He looked up at her, peering deep into such a vague question that could have meant anything, or _everything_. He nodded.

And it meant everything.

The psychologist looked as though she were trying to keep her composure in her face. She returned the nod and fell silent for a while. She turned her head to the picture frames sitting on her desk, and her hand went to one of them—Cloud was certain it was the one of her and her husband. She didn't pick it up. She only gave it a simple touch, but it was enough to transform her face into grief.

"When you get hurt," she finally said, her voice holding a slight tremor, "there's a loss. A loss of blood maybe, loss of pay because you're hurt and can't work … a loss of security." She pulled her hand away from the picture frame, but then decided to adjust it fondly where it sat. It looked like she smiled briefly, but it could have been a grimace. "Maybe you feel unsafe that it could happen again." She looked back at Cloud finally, and any suffering on her face was tucked away behind her duty to her patient. "But what happens after you get hurt?"

Cloud needn't consider his answer.

"You either heal … or you get worse and die."

"Yes, those are the possibilities," the psychologist said. "But you don't want to die. You want to get better, right?"

Cloud's hand went to his pocket, to Ratcliff's suicide note.

The psychologist stiffened in wait for his answer.

"Right, Cloud?"

* * *

… to be continued in Chapter Fifty-Eight: Denied Answers.

Ending Author's OMG: AAAAAAH IT'S BEEN SINCE APRIL SINCE THE LAST UPDATE I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON PLEASE FORGIVE ME. ; A ; Assuming there are still readers who have stuck around to do some forgiving. I am truly sorry that it's been so long. I don't have many valid excuses, other than writer's block. And a lot of distractions. tumblr being a HUGE one. And watching tv series with friends on Livestream. And I guess depression.

Writing this chapter was really hard though. I wanted to have a certain tone to it. I definitely wanted more narrative than dialogue to help convey the despair, isolation, and mistrust the characters were feeling. So each and every word was carefully considered and chosen with precision. I hope that I accomplished it! And I hope that it was somewhat worth the wait.

With that being said, I'm gonna ask a favor of everyone that I hope I won't regret. I always get such nice and amazing reviews about how good my writing is, but is there anything about it that I should work on? I wouldn't mind some constructive criticism once in a while. Also, has anyone noticed a change, whether good or bad, with my writing? Has it gotten too technical, less creative, or has it gotten stronger, more streamlined? I'd appreciate the feedback!

ANYWAY. I dunno when the next chapter will be out. I HOPE NOT IN NINE MONTHS LIKE THIS ONE WAS.

OH, AND MAJOR SHOUT OUT TO BOTH THISISTHSOU AND KIMIEVII FOR GIVING ME MUSIC TO HELP ME WRITE. I asked my followers on tumblr for sad/moving instrumental music (music with words distracts me too much when I'm writing) and they both sent me some music through Dropbox that really helped kick me into gear. Thank you so much to the both of you. I love you both omfg.

I hope everyone's Christmas and New Years was nice! :3 Thank you for being awesome!

-Ziggy

P.S. Oh and I know it's not Tuesday, the day when I normally update, but I figured it was long enough since my last update that I wouldn't make anyone wait any longer. Plus some people on tumblr are about to riot if I don't update. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Hehehe.


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